From The Devil's Dictionary:


Air,  n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the
         fattening of the poor.

Christian  One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
         book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.  One
         who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
         inconsistant with a life of sin.

Faith, n.  Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without
knowledge, of things without parallel.

Fiddle   An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail
         upon the entrails of a cat.

Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals
         into the mouth.  Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose and
         by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over
         the other tool, which, however they do not altogether reject, but
         use to assist in charging the knife.  The immunity of these persons
         from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of
         God's mercy to those that hate Him.

Harbour. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to
         the fury of the customs.

Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
         thrust into somebody's pocket.

Impartial Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing
          eitherside of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting
          opinions.

Politeness  The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Positive  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Pray      To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a
          single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Prophecy  The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future
          delivery.

Rational  Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and
          reflection.

Reasonable  Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.  Hospitable to
          persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

Religion  A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature
          of the Unknowable.

Saint    A dead sinner revised and edited.

Self-esteem  An erroneous appraisement.

Yankee  In Europe, an American.  In the Northern States of our Union, a
        New Englander.  In the Southern States, the word is unknown (See
        DamYank).

  As you can tell, there are many potential taglines there!  Unfortunately,
Bierce didn't include entries for evolution, science or scientist.  But I
love his definition of "Pray"!