The following is quoted in its entirety, without permission, from the
v8#44 issue of the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, available now at your local 7-11:

                    REVENGE OF THE GOOFY GURU

                Motorcycling swami mows down pilgrims

        Slaphappy swami Khalid Jha barreled his souped-up
        Harley-Davidson right into a crowd of praying pil-
        grims--trying to run down a rival guru who claimed
        he could fly higher than Khalid!

        Ten terrified worshipers were battered and bruised
        when the hotheaded holy man, wearing a homemade
        crash helmet, roared into a mob kneeling at the
        feet of bearded swami Sunil Pillai.

        The bizarre incident occurred at a remote mountain
        retreat in northern India, where the goofy gurus
        have spouted outrageous claims and counterclaims
        for months in a battle for control of their tiny
        religious sect.

        ``One swami claims he can turn people into dogs and
        the other says he can turn people into airplanes,''
        said journalist K K Seedharan.

        ``Then one says he can crack 500 coconuts over his
        head and the other says he can crack 600 coconuts
        over his head.

        ``One claims he can walk across five miles of hot
        coals and the other says he can walk across 10 miles
        of hot coals.

        ``They've split the sect into two camps with their
        silly bickering, but as far as I know no one has
        ever seen them perform even one of these feats.''

        The wacky spat remained relatively peaceful until
        the day the squabbling swamis fought over who could
        fly the highest.

        ``I had just told my followers that God had given
        me the power to fly over rooftops,'' kooky Khalid
        recalled.

        ``That swine Sunil heard me and later in the day
        I overhead him tell his followers that he could
        soar as high as any eagle.

        ``I was enraged. I know he can't fly that high. I
        got my motorcycle and I was going to run him down.
        I thought, `Let's see you fly away from this Harley.'

        ``Unfortunately I couldn't get to him without run-
        ning over many people and my motorcycle was wrecked.
        I never did reach Sunil but I made him squeal like
        a scared pig.''

        Shook-up Sunil dashed into a nearby village and
        asked police to arrest his hot-rodding rival. Cops
        investigated the incident but so far have taken no
        action.

        ``They must do something. That man is a menace,''
        Sunil said. ``He hurt all those innocent people
        and tried to kill me. But I wan't afraid. If he
        had gotten too close I would have simply flown
        away.''

ucbvax!brahms!weemba    Matthew P Wiener/Brahms Gang/Berkeley CA 94720