Friends, are you tired of paying through the nose for spiritual peace,
both temporal and eternal? Do you pay FOUR, EIGHT, up to TEN PERCENT
of your wealth to someone who "claims" to be on the side of the
Almighty?

In these tough times, can you afford to shop the Old-Fashioned Way for
the One True Faith? Of course not. So, come on down to:

                ***   Eric's HOUSE O' SALVATION   ***

Our busy buyers search the universe for the best bargains in
salvation. We have aisle after aisle of Tried-and-True all-time
favorites, as well as a huge selection of cutting-edge items that'll
surprise even the most experienced spiritual shoppers!

Want to worship the dead, but don't know who to choose? We've got
ANCESTORS stacked to the ROOF; or bring your own for EXTRA savings!

Do you need physical signs of enlightenment? Our specially trained
counselors can have you levitating or sleeping on nails faster than
you can spell T-I-B-E-T!

You want Salvation by Faith and Works? We've got it. You want
Salvation by Faith Alone? We've got it. Apostolic succession? Gifts
of the Spirit? Friends, WE'VE GOT IT ALL! Pick a mainstream sect, or
take a trip through BIG J'S BUFFET to mix-and-match a cult of your
very own!

Tired of the same old rat-race of DEATH and REBIRTH? A few minutes in
our patented MANTRA-MATIC will have you chanting all the way to
Nirvana!

For an eternity to remember with that Special Someone, try a romantic
cruise down the River Styx for a taste of that Old Time Religion (tips
for ferryman not included). And our exclusive line of easy-care
FERTILITY ICONS will put new zip into your next Family Home Evening!

Our in-house staff of Certified Afterlife Designers can help you
choose the items you want for guaranteed ETERNAL BLISS! Start out
with Pearly Gates and Streets of Gold. Want more? How about Watching
the Damned Burn in Hell! Still more? Here's a White Light
surrounding you with feelings of Peace and Love! Not enought? Then
try HOURIS! HOURIS! HOURIS!

And our Atheist friends keep coming back for our All-Natural 100%
Deity-Free ETERNAL RECURRENCE, the freethinker's choice that can be
enjoyed over and over WITHOUT COMPROMISE!

If you're confused by the wide, wide selection in Eric's HOUSE O'
SALVATION, or you just want to test-drive the spiritual life, try one
of our exclusive STARTER-PAKS. Begin with a few invocations to the
Earth Spirit, wrap a few garlands around your favorite tree, and
pretty soon you'll be ready BIG-TIME salvation!

You don't have to go on a Seven Year Pilgrimage to reach Eric's HOUSE
O' SALVATION. We're easy to find! Just get on the freeway of your
choice and wander aimlessly without thought or purpose until you reach
the LAST EXIT, then follow the signs to the Giant Whirling Dervish,
and you'll know that you've reached Eric's HOUSE O' SALVATION.

Bring the Whole Family! We've got free Invisible Pink Unicorn rides
for the kids. Pick up some no-obligation sample Indulgences, and ask
about our Free Stigmata offer!

Brand-Name or Generic, High Church or Low, Poly or Mono or A: We've
Got It All! So, come early and often to:

                ***   Eric's HOUSE O' SALVATION   ***

                ***   Eric's HOUSE O' SALVATION   ***

                  !!!   WE WON'T BE UNDERSAVED   !!!

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