ISSUE 3 FebApr. 1990

+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | ISSUE 3 Feb-Apr. 1990 | | | | | | MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | | M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | | M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE | | M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | | M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | | | | DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L | | D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | | D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | | D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | | DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL | | | | | | | | A m00se! A m00se! My kingdom for a m00se! | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Sorry for the delay, but the hunters were after me, and well, I'm a moose with his priorities straight: 1) Survival 2) Sleep 3) Dr00l. Remember, only a moose who is a public nuisance is worth listening to. This issue is dedicated to all those lesser illuminated beings that hunt the mystic rabbit of April. -Mike Oose ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ M00SE DR00L STAFF Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief Subscriptions Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet) Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors Cathy Ow (cow@drunivac.bitnet) Information Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to? Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! (Wouldn't that be dangerous?) NEW in this issue: an editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Editorials: From: ABLAKELY@DRUNIVAC I was quite distressed to note in the horrorscope section of this issue the horrorscope for Sagittarius was conspicuously absent. Answer: The half-moose/half-man is an abomination. Please do not remind us of it in the future. Bleech. Some mooses will sleep with anything. From: SYSTEM@DRUNIVAC Ok, who is the idiot who created all those animal accounts on ALPHA and BETA? Speak up or you'll all be chopped at the head and hung up on my wall. This is an academic system, not a toy. Answer: Phthththth. (User deleted.) From: V291NHTP@UBVMS (Pat Salsbury, DangerM00se) You're a looney! :) (Not that tha's a bad thing, mind you!) SO! Competition, eh? Harrumph! I wonder if I'll have to think about that.... Feh. My brain is starting to hurt. See ya! Answer: I actually prefer to be called warped and twisted. Competition? We don't look at it that way. Besides, when did illuminati ever have competition? From: DICKSON@HARTFORD (Bill Dickson) Just what the net needs! An *alternate* m00se magazine! May you spread it far and wide, and may it bring fame and increased circulation to both the M00se Illuminati and its first magazine. May all m00ses grow together! Answer: Sure, we'll help you and the others out, but do you really want _our_ help?? That mooses growing together sounds sick to us. Don't they get tangled? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Asian mooses seek wealthy Americans for potential divorce settlements. Send photo and SASE for details. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mooses for a Better America by Mike Oose (their poster boy) In recent moose-type news here at Drew University (the University in the rapidly dwindling forest), a conference was held by some big-shot speaker on the enigma of death. Being among the first to catch onto the "death-thing" in modern conferences, we introduced the Angel of Death at our own conference called "Experiencing the Enigma of Death" and made a killing so to speak. We plan to put this show on the road later this year, so it may be at a school near you sometime. You'll know when the telltale solid black posters start appearing (and by the blood smeared on your neighbor's door)... We also hope to have our "Mooses' Guide to the Afterlife" available sometime in March. I myself have had an offer from a movie company to make the "Angel of Death" movie followed shortly by the soundtrack and action figures. For a condensed version of this sequence of death-related events, read this message backwards at full speed and one of our representatives will tell you where to go. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Yo! Mooses don't Rap. Mooses prefer to sing. It's just not all that good. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Travis and Phyllis, The Trashy Saga Continues... by Mike Oose Chapter 3 Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs. "Ohh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal. While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis spied a piece of lingerie. "Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their passion inflamed. "Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials." she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt. Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main terminal of the airport. While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They paid no notice, however, and continued... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Coded message follows: htaed sih dekaf elkniwllub ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ News from the Field ANCHORAGE, Alaska (MPI) -- Deep snow, high winds, volcanic ash, crazy temperatures and pissed-off mooses combine to make Saturday's start of the 1,158-mile Anchorage-to-Gnome Idiotarod Sled Dog Race the most challenging ever for the 70 men and mooses and 1,200 dogs competing in the adventure. "The guys are saying this might be the most challenging ever are probably right," said Montana Oose, the race's only four-time winner. Some of the deepest snow in decades has forced moose into the contest. The huge lumbering antlered animals, trying to avoid energy-sapping walks through 10-foot snow, have made a surprise entrance in this year's contest. "Hey, we can make a few bucks too," chortles one moose. This winter moose have attacked people walking down their driveways to get their mail, stomped sled dogs on Idiotarod training runs and even charged Alaska Railroad engines trying to reclaim the tracks. "We play to win," the mooses say in defense of their actions. Veteran musher Jerry Ackle, who said "the competition makes this the worst year in the history of the Idiotarod," is packing a semi-automatic AR-15 for protection. Ackle's encounter with the moose was one of two in the race. He shot and killed a moose Monday after it tried to stomp the team run by Beatrice Eaver. He was later surrounded by a bunch of mooses and was drooled on until he drowned/froze. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Was it a momentary lapse of reason, or the first step on the road to recovery? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mike Oose's Country Chartbusters (AroooOOOooooo-ee!) Compiled by Michele Oose 10. Bird Nest in My Antlers - Grampa Harappa's Jamboree Band 9. My Dog Died - The Antler Brothers 8. Discordian Mooses' Illuminated Square Dance - Moose in the Pyramid 7. Forever and Ever Arooooooo - Travis and Phyllis 6. I Love A Drooly Night - Eddie Rabbit 5. Always In My Fur - Nelson Riddle and his Foot-Stomping Orchestra 4. Those Truck-Chasin' Blues - The Head-On-The-Wall Gang 3. My Wife's Run Off, and She's Taken My Mind - Moosey Waters 2. Tip Cows, Don't Love 'Em - Karl Kam00se 1. I'm So Blue, I Could Drool All Over You - Traditional ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here we are at Drew University, where we have secretly replaced the administration with Weeble replicas. Let's see how long it takes those annoyingly politically active students to make some banners slandering harmless Weebles just so they can get in the newspaper and look like fools. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How To Be A Moose (Part II) by Manny Oose 9. DO eat like a moose. Always manage to get at least half of what you're eating on the floor. Potato chips are a valid substitute for line printer paper. 10. DO sleep with your mouth open, so that your noxious moose-breath will fill the room and destroy any insects that might attempt to eat your food. 11. DO stay away from cows. They can ruin a moose's good reputation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is the end. Our computer doesn't seem to be willing to cooperate with us on this, so I will make this closing brief. Sometimes mooses have problems with their teeth. So you can take them to the dentist. You must also try not to step on mooses, because it hurts them. So, until the next issue... beware of giant hedgehogs. Mike Oose, your loyal and devoted public nuisance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ T H E E N D ------------------------------------------------------------------------------