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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #23| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Apr. 24,1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
===============================================================================
The Index
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS An Editorial.
EVENTS AND NEWS Various & sundry items of [dis]interest
FICTION AND POETRY
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
ASK THE ORACLE Do Twinkies have cream fillings?
MEET THE M00SES Scamp & Guardian Angel
M00SE LIST UPDATE The compleat list...
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Spriiiing is here! ah-suh-puh-ring is here! Life is skittles and life is
beer...
BL00p!
Some of you may have noticed that there haven't been any M00se Droppings for a
while (you could say the M00se is constipated). (Nia kulpo, nia granda kulpo!)
For a while, this was because there were *no* submissions. This is, of course,
understandable, since many of us have papers to write and can't afford to bl00p
around.
NOW, however, there are submissions. (Of course, this issue could have gotten
out a few days earlier, but this time it was *our* fault; Goblin decided to
join a Twinkie-farming commune while I was away in Florida training at the
SWAMI-swamp.)
The next issue *will* be out no later than the twelfth of May. Submission
deadline for the next issue is Thursday, May 11. (As long as we receive it by
Friday morning, it'll be in the issue, which will be sent out in the late
afternoon.)
One article is missing from this issue: we assigned a M00se to cover a rumored
conspiracy concerning blue-haired grandmothers, but he hasn't reported back.
If we have received no word from him by next Thursday, you'll have to remove
him from your lists.
Ni deziras al vi bonan tagon! (Bl00p 'til you dr00p!)
Submissions: WITHALL@CTSTATEU.BITNET (Goblin)
M00se list & Back Issues : LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.BITNET (SalmonM00se)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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According to our sources, the sun was two degrees warmer last Tuesday according
to a big nosed Penguin friend in the Antartic.
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There was a Starfire sighting at Adventure V... (*Great* fun!!!!!)
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The Mega-Thr0ng-A-Th0n is to be held??? Where? When? How??
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Wanted: Donald Trump look-a-alike in Bill the cats body.
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.tekcop ruoy gnikcip si dneirf ym ,siht gnidaer er'uoy elihW
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Does anyone else out there speak M00speranto?
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Wanted: More info on M00se T-shirts..
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Wanted: Goblin seeks the Iguana Tavern, where (when) is it now? (& sends
hellos to the guy with the Pen)
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This line added to make the issue 1000 lines even (discounting mail headers).
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Quiet fern seeks companionship of a older potted palm. Is looking for a well
war watered, mature ladyfriend to be misted with. I am a normal mild mannered
fern into peanut butter parties and mazola togas..
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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Hi Gang! How's it going out there in television land? Spaceman Biff
here. I just had a few thoughts I just HAD to share with y'all.
1) If Penelope' is the classical Greek symbol for wifely
fidelity, and Calliope' is the Muse of the dance, and
Turpsycchide' the Muse of music, does that make Envelope'
the Muse of punctual postal delivery?
2) Is there any interest out there in starting a new
m00se shaped breakfast cereal? We could call it Fr00t Bl00ps.
Test market: San Francisco.
3) I am working on a new mollusk-specific hunter/killer,
but am having a little trouble with the guidance system.
The basic idea is that the fully automated unit is released into
the ocean and hunts down scallops (oooh.) and cooks them in the
shell using a small, poorly shielded microwave oven. The unit
operates by distilling combustible hydrocarbons from the
seawater itself which it then burns in a diesel engine.
Unfortunately, the magnetic-to-true North deviation is huge up
around Alaska, where the fuel is most plentiful this time of
year. (And speaking of North deviations, how about that Ollie,
huh?!) Any helpful hints would be appreciated.
4) THERE IS _NO_ RULE #6!!!!!
5) Love is like drinking from a broken water glass. It doesn't
hold what you put in it, the edges are cold, hard, and pointy,
and you risk serious lip damage if you try too hard. Ahem.
6) And now, a poem from Mr. Steve Martin:
The Pointy Birds
The pointy birds are pointy, pointy.
They anoint my head, anointy, 'nointy.
7) Well, that went so well I think I'll finish with a set of
poems concerning fishing, and the logical conclusion of fishing,
ripping off fishheads. These were written by yours truly, a Mr.
Thomas Wickham, and a Mr. Michael Graham, all manly men who
are mighty to kill fish.
TO FISH, TO FISH
THIS IS MY ONLY WISH
WHEN OUT FISHING LATE
I ALWAYS FEEL GREAT
WHEN OUT FISHING EARLY
I FEEL MANLY AND BURLY
TO CAST OUT MY LINE
IS NOTHING MORE DIVINE?
TRULY, FISHING IS MOST QUIET,
MOST PEACEFUL.
THEN OUT GOES YOUR LINE!
THIS IS THE TIME.
RIP OFF ITS HEAD
UNTIL IT SCREAMS AND IS DEAD!
I'll tell you a tale (which you'll get in the mail);
A schedule of fishing designs!
Of heads to be torn (on the Ides of March, morn)
From the fish that we snare on our lines!
We'll hook up the bait and get there no late
-er than six A.M., beating the sun.
Then cast our rigs out, enticing the trout
To a meal, and thus, our meal become!
For the quiet of dawn, when to the lake I have gone
With a cup of hot Joe by my side
Makes me again whole, a tocsin of the soul
Awaiting doomed fish from the tide.
Then later, to Bud's, for some eggs and fried spuds
And strong coffee, and lightly singed bread.
Then 205 Linn is the place we'll begin
To peel skin back, and rip off some heads.
So now comes the time for the end of my rhyme.
Preserve it so you can look back
Once again to this reference, so that, with great deference,
We can sacrifice the trout we caught at Wickhamhead rock, in full view
of the bass and sunny in the tank*, thereby striking fear into their
hearts as they watch us merrily decapitate their buddies and cousins!
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!!!!!!!
* - Mssrs. Wickham and Graham keep several locally caught fish
in a seventy gallon aquarium in their living room. Wickhamhead
rock is on of the ornaments in the tank.
Fish heads, fish heads!
Let's go hook some fish heads!
Fish heads, fish heads!
Let's rip off some!
In the fish tank
Happy laughing fish heads!
Rip off fish heads
From the Lake!
Honestly, it seems to me quite a shame not to go fishing this afternoon!
Respond soon, or be a goon.
Happy, Laughing
--T. Sticklerod Z.
(Author's note - the following poem is written as if in a dialect common
to a particular southern community; no offense is
intended, any more than if I had written it using a
midwestern dialect, a "valleygirl" dialect, etc., so
please, no ruffled feathers or hate mail. Thanx.)
Skin strains, muscle pains
Ooh ah loves dem fish heads!
Spines breaks, mah muscles aches,
Ah loves to rips dem off!
In da mawnin', by de stream!
Ooh ah loves dem fish heads!
De water be murky, dis mus' be a dream!
Ah loves to rips dem off!
Tamara mawnin', vicious early!
Ooh ah loves dem fish heads!
Eyes a bleary, hairs a squirrelly!
Ah loves to rips dem off!
Mah main man John**,by Sahmun Crick
Ooh ah loves dem fish heads!
Wants ta fish wid his mighty stick!
Ah loves to rips dem off!
At fahv foh sebben, when de sun rise!
Ooh ah loves dem fish heads!
It be legitmit to rips off fish heads!
Ah loves to rips dem off!
Seriously, at 5:47 tomorrow morning stream trout season opens. How'd ya
like to head out to Myers and work your fave trout spot?
--T. Sticklerod Z.
** - The Innkeeper
April 11, 1989
It sure ain't too early to be manly and burly
And rip off the heads of some fish
And strip flesh from their spine, so with a fine wine
Their remains make one hell of a dish.
Perhaps thou wouldst deign, barring instance of rain
To go snare a few sometime this week?
We could try in the lake, or a stream, if we take
The precautions for wading a creek.
This Saturday noon would be all none too soon
For this lad to go dangle a lure.
Any cold that we catch will be surely no match
For some trout liver oil; the cure.
I've run out of rhyme, so respond in quick time
O'er the system, or perhaps face to face.
I'm sending this fare to both Wick and "Half-There"***
To see who responds first; wins the race.
*** - Mr. Graham, whose other half of the wonder twins was lost to
marriage approximately two years ago. His reply is below.
Once again a fish poem, that is less than a tome
It would be my pleasure,
the length of to measure,
HEAD to tail of a beautiful fish.
Then rip off its head,
butter on the rest spread,
and turn into a devourable dish.
The ides would be great,
best early, not late,
lest the piscines no longer are biting.
We speak of this later,
til then, alligator,
in fishheadish thoughts be delighting.
That's all for now, cadets. Stay tuned for Batman!!!
T. Sticklerod Z.
(Spaceman Biff!!)
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SECRET AGENT M00SE
====== ===== =====
There's a M00se that leads a life of danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger with every move he
makes another chance he takes. Odds are he would live to see
tomorrow.
Secret Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a
number and take away your name.
Beware of pretty faces that you find. A pretty face can hide
an evil mind. Be careful what you say or you'll give yourself
away. Odd are you won't live to see tomorrow.
Secrete Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a
number and take away your name.
Secret Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a
number and take away your name.
Swinging on the Riviara one day and then laying in a Bombay
ally next day Oh no you let the wrong word slip while kissing
persuasive lips. The odds are you won't live to see tomorrow.
Secret Agent M00se Secret Agent M00se they've give you a
number and take away your name.
Secret Agent M00se
-By D0CT0R M00SE (DRX)
and Claudette M00se.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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The following is from Indiana Joe...
My roomate found this inside a roll of toilet paper. We have no idea where
it came from or what it means, so we thought this was the perfect place to send
it. Here it is.
There is garbage out of food-water-TV-
radio-books-newspapers in America -
mental and physical cancers are made
out of living and children everyday.
1776
Why don't world governments and every state
in America do what Father Flanagan did -
build a boystown and save world children.
Easy to do if governments are not parasites.
Dictators and sick value free with their own
kind would die with *sickness-cancers and
wars* - why build them in any way.
There would not be any governments if
governments had to prove themselves
what governments allow.
Duty-honor-country and legally-
morally correct to destroy business
and government parasites
1776 - America minutement watchmen not
Washington DC Columbia parasites statues -
Valley Forge reminders not decorators
in every state in America - 1776
Big people are parasites not children
When is America going to have a
school of morals for lawyers.
Why are world governments not self
supporting Boy Scouts or better
1776
Bankruptcy signature law is a sick devil
cancer parasite business and government
and are *accessories* to crimes against every
age and create martyrs and wars.
Minimum wages governments and people -
only good working conditions needed not
parasites = work clothes-work shoes
America not sick mirrors
Living creatures have to be killed every
day = best of medicine if possible -
salf control - medicine ground floor planet
not snake pits out of living or material
B[B 1776
No money schools - no useless studies
halfday in factory - halfday in school.
Everyone gets an equal chance -
nno government parasite tax or salary.
Big people are parasites not children.
Does anyone else understand this? --Indiana Joe
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This one is from Jonathan Clemens
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