1%Father: [sigh] Oh well. At least we still have his little brother
1% George.
1%George: [singing]
1% Bwa bwa bwa bwa,
1% Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky Home,
1% Bwa bwa bwa bwa...
1% [spoken] Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.
1%-- Timeless classics, "Rosebud"
2%Burns: Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow.
2%Smithers: [hesitantly] Who's Bobo, sir?
2%Burns: Bobo? Er, um, I meant...Lobo! Er, Sheriff Lobo, they never
2% should have cancelled that show.
2%-- What were they thinking?, "Rosebud"
3%Burns: That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers...who is he?
3%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7-G,
3% but I don't think --
3%Burns: I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I
3% must harness his fractured take on modern life.
3%Smithers: Fine, sir. I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque
3% material.
3%-- Better than Diceman, anyway, "Rosebud"
4%Marge: What are you doing?
4%Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday
4% party. Is "poopoo" one word or two?
4%-- Better grab a dictionary, "Rosebud"
5%Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his
5% birthday.
5%Lisa: Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles if done with the
5% greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's
5% heart.
5%Homer: Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [laughs] I paint
5% a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!
5%-- Going for the subtle approach, "Rosebud"
6%Homer: "Now I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent" --
6%Bart: Incontinent. [laughs] Too rich!
6%Lisa: Does either of you know what "incontinent" means?
6%Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun.
6%-- "Rosebud"
7%Marge: Come on, everybody, it's time to go.
7%Homer: OK, stupid.
7%Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your
7% boss!
7%Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what
7% gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters.
7% [Outside, Flanders clips the hedge] Hey Flanders! You smell
7% like manure.
7%Flanders: Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for
7% the nose-news, neighbor!
7%-- Just practising my invective, "Rosebud"
8%Guard: Hey!
8% [President Bush grunts]
8% No one-termers. [tosses him out]
8%Carter: You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.
8%Bush: Get away from me, loser.
8%-- One-term Republicans are bigger losers, "Rosebud"
9%Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far.
9% Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones!
9%Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
9%Ramone 1: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
9%Ramone 2: Hey, up yours, Springfield.
9%Ramone 1: One, two, three, four!
9% [Abrasive guitar music begins]
9% Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!)
9% Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!)
9% Happy Birthday, Burnsey,
9% Happy Birthday to you!
9%Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard.
9% [The curtain falls]
9%Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us!
9%-- Silence gives consent, "Rosebud"
10%Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed.
10%Smithers: Sir, those aren't --
10%Burns: Do as I say!
10%-- The perils of being Smithers, "Rosebud"
11%Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands
11% tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a
11% satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head
11% slightly.
11%Burns: Bah, no time. Next!
11%-- O hallowed gratitude, "Rosebud"
12%I have some sad news to report: a small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was
12%just run over in the parking lot.
12%[Audience gasps]
12%And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
12%-- Smithers warms up the audience, "Rosebud"
13%Homer: [exaggeratedly loud] Are you ready to laugh?
13%Man: Poor dog.
13%Homer: I said, are you ready to laugh?
13%Woman: Quiet, you awful man.
13%-- Homer starts his comedy routine, "Rosebud"
14%Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap --
14%Burns: What?
14%Homer: I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old --
14%Burns: How dare you!
14%Homer: Woo hoo, tough crowd.
14%-- The comedy routine, "Rosebud"
15%Homer: Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in
15% public again.
15%Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
15%-- Hope springs eternal, "Rosebud"
16%Bart: Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world
16% your fat can.
16%Homer: Don't worry, boy, he'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
16%Lisa: I knew it.
16%-- So much for _that_ promise, "Rosebud"
17%Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's
17%"Excalibur". The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare
17%first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
17%-- Smithers, "Rosebud"
18%Smithers: [dressed in a bear suit] Here's something that should cheer
18% you up, sir. It's me, sir: Bobo! Hug me! Squeeze me!
18% [suggestively] Tug at my fur...
18%Burns: [pushing him aside] Enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now
18% find my teddy! And oh, er, leave the costume.
18%-- Uh, Hallowe'en is next week, "Rosebud"
19%Kent: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the
19% world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house...
19% You could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front
19% of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps
19% being held up by a loved one.
19%Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down!
19% [realizing] Moldy? Old?
19% I'm gonna get something to eat!
19%-- Right on the tip of his tongue, "Rosebud"
20%Lisa: Bobo: it's Mr. Burns' bear all right.
20%Homer: Well, Burns isn't getting _this_ back cheap, I can tell you that.
20% He's gonna have to give me...my own recording studio!
20% [In a studio, Homer sings] Two all-beef patties special sauce,
20% lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun. [drools]
20%Man: Homer, you're drooling on the mike again.
20%-- Fifth one today, "Rosebud"
21%Marge: Mmm...I'll sew that eye back on.
21%Bart: No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail; he'll pay more money
21% if he thinks the bear's in danger.
21%Homer: [in a trance] Yes, we'll send the eye.
21%-- "Rosebud"
22%Marge: I'm sure he'll offer a fair reward. [as an afterthought] And
22% then we'll make him double it.
22%Family: Huh?
22%Marge: [defensive] Well why can't I be greedy once in a while?
22%-- Because you're the nicest?, "Rosebud"
23%[tenderly] Bobo, my beautiful Bobo. I promise I'll never leave you
23%behind again.
23%[to Homer] Ahem. Ah, yes. Er, naturally I can't pay you much of a
23%reward because I'm strapped for cash.
23%[The ceiling caves in, spilling gold and jewels on him] As you can see,
23%this old place is falling apart...
23%-- It's all cubic zirconium anyway, "Rosebud"
24%Burns: I'm sure we can come to an understanding.
24%Homer: Yes, sir.
24% [thinking] Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.
24%Burns: May I offer you a drink?
24%Homer: Sorry, Burns, no deal.
24%-- A tough bargainer, "Rosebud"
25%Homer: I knew you'd come crawling back.
25%Burns: How much do you want?
25%Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the
25% leper one!
25%Burns: Done!
25%-- Plus an option to pick up the leper one later, "Rosebud"
26%Homer: Aw, big deal. Who needs his money? We're gettin' by OK.
26% [Abe drives through the wall into the living room]
26%Abe: Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here
26% and I don't have any insurance!
26% [congenially] So how's by you?
26%-- You should have asked ten seconds ago, "Rosebud"
27%Homer: Mmm...sixty four slices of American cheese.
27% [Takes the stack to the table and sits down]
27% Sixty four...[eats it]
27% Sixty three...[eats it]
27% [Next morning]
27% Two...[eats it really slowly]
27% One...[eats it]
27% [Marge walks in]
27%Marge: [incredulous] Have you been up all night eating cheese?
27%Homer: [slurred] I think I'm blind...
27%-- All that lactose, "Rosebud"
28%Man 1: Excuse me, we wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness
28% of his children more than money.
28%Homer: [unenthused] Right here.
28%Man 2: Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball.
28%Homer: Oh, my life can't get any worse.
28%Smithers: [over the intercom] Homer Simpson, report for much worse duty.
28%Homer: D'oh!
28%-- Homer, meet Mr. Murphy, "Rosebud"
29%Marge: Mmm, I think we need a new hair dryer.
29%Homer: Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns' money.
29%Marge: I don't hate you, I'm proud of you! You came through for your
29% daughter when she needed you the most.
29%Homer: Aw, thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to
29% comfort _this_ tortured soul.
29% [He reaches for the box and puts it on his head] Hee hee hee,
29% boxey!
29%Marge: [indignant] Gimme that!
29%-- Simple pleasures, "Rosebud"
30%Barney: [the dinosaur, that is]
30% [singing] Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus
30% two is four...
30%Homer: Heh heh heh, I can see why _this_ is so popular!
30%-- Homer learns addition, "Rosebud"
31%Burns: As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And
31% you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in.
31%Otto: Woo, that bites.
31%Patty: Holy crap!
31%-- Taking over MacGyver is a fate worse than death, "Rosebud"
32%Burns: What's that you say? You can live without television so long as
32% you have _beer_?
32%Homer: [defiantly] That's right.
32%Burns: [ominously] Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield
32% have been diverted...this town will be as dry as a bone. And if
32% the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a
32% problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
32% [The doorbell rings, and Homer answers it]
32%Barney: [brandishing a gun] Homer, give him what he wants!
32%-- You don't know how far he'll go, "Rosebud"
33%Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man [points at
33% Jimbo] won't give a beer to another old man. Let's get him!
33%Jimbo: Wait! Why are we gettin' him?
33% [Martin walks by]
33%Martin: Look, gentlemen. The first snapdragon of the season!
33%Nelson: Never mind. Let's just get _him_! [points at Martin]
33%-- Bad timing, "Rosebud"
34% [A dumb sitcom is shown on TV]
34%Burns: Smithers, I'm home! [canned laughter]
34%Smithers: What, already? [canned chuckle]
34%Burns: Yes. [loud canned laughter]
34%Lisa: [watching] Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?
34%Homer: Ehh, it's about the same. Uh oh! Look out, Smithers!
34% [Sound of breaking glass]
34% Heh heh, I love this show.
34%-- Homer, discerning TV viewer, "Rosebud"
35%Burns: Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of though. I'm sure we
35% can come to some sort of agreement --
35% [Starts trying to pull the bear away, but he's too weak]
35% Beaten by an infant...what could be more humiliating?
35%Reporter: [taking a photo] What a scoop!
35%-- You had to ask, "Rosebud"
36% [Maggie offers him the bear]
36%Burns: For me? Bobo?
36% Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm
36% actually happy. Take a note! [resolute] From now on, I'm
36% only going to be good and kind to everyone.
36%Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil.
36%Burns: Ehh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
36%-- "Rosebud"
37%Well...we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted.
37%Marge, I'm confused! Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
37%-- Homer the prescriptivist, "Rosebud"
38%Man: [quietly] Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger
38% Falls...where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and
38% the children are pink-cheeked and robust.
38% [Audience laughs loudly]
38%Homer: What the hell's so funny?
38%Man: At the Apple Biscuit cafe, where the smiles are free, don't you
38% know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu, and finally he ordered the
38% same thing he has every day.
38% [Audience laughs and applauds]
38%Bart: Maybe it's the TV.
38%Homer: Stupid TV. [Hits it] Be more funny!
38%-- TV: object of aggression, "Marge on the Lam"
39%Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons
39% as "Out With Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."
39% Folks, do you realize without your support, public television
39% can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as "Edward
39% the Penitent"?
39% [Cut to clip]
39%Edward: [kissing the papal ring] I'm really, really, _really_ sorry --
39%Pope: I'm afraid "sorry" doesn't cut it with this pope!
39%-- Eleven "Tony"-winning shows, "Marge on the Lam"
40%Troy: What the hell -- Oh! We got a call.
40%Homer: Ha ha! Some idiot actually called in.
40%Troy: Hello? What's your name?
40%Marge: Marge Simpson.
40%Homer: Aah!
40%-- My wife's an idiot!, "Marge on the Lam"
41%Marge generously pledges thirty dollars, then thanks Troy before hanging
41%up.
42%Marge, it's public TV! They never have anything good. Where are the
42%Geraldos? Where are the Ewbankses-es?
42%-- Homer objects to Marge pledging money, "Marge on the Lam"
43%Marge: [of public TV] They need our support! Besides, they gave me two
43% tickets to the ballet.
43%Homer: [jubilant] Ballet? Woo-hoo!
43%Marge: [incredulous] You like ballet?
43%Homer: Marjorie, _please_. I enjoy _all_ the meats of our cultural
43% stew.
43%-- Particularly the snouts and entrails, "Marge on the Lam"
44%Homer: _That's_ what ballet is? [whining] Oh --
44%Marge: You promised! You can't back out like when you volunteered for
44% that Army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'.
44% [Flashback]
44%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, you _do_ realize this may result in hair loss,
44% giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium?
44%Homer: Yeah, yeah, just give me the serum.
44% [Doctor injects him]
44% [Back to the present]
44%Homer: Heh heh, it was worth it.
44% [Homer falls out of his chair]
44% [giddily] Tee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee --
44%-- A tangled web, "Marge on the Lam"
45%Carl: Hey Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home?
45%Homer: [sneering] I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet.
45%Lenny: Heh. You're gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh?
45%-- People unclear on the concept, "Marge on the Lam"
46% [Homer reaches inside a pop machine, grunting]
46%Homer: Just...a little more...argh...got it! [realizing] Aah! I'm
46% stuck. Help me!
46%Carl: He's done for!
46%Lenny: Let's get out of here!
46% [They run off screaming]
46%Homer: [dragging the machine behind him] Must...get to ballet...
46% promised...Marge!
46%-- A man with a mission, "Marge on the Lam"
47%Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap!
47%-- Homer with his arm stuck in a vending machine, "Marge on the Lam"
48%Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools along
48%with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind.
48%-- Ruth Powers on divorce, "Marge on the Lam"
49%Ruth: Vayachipa's loins ought to be outlawed.
49%Marge: [snickers]
49%Burns: Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing!
49%Smithers: A little mincing would be nice...
49%-- At the ballet, "Marge on the Lam"
50%Marge: Well, thank you for a lovely time.
50%Ruth: You're not going home already, are you?
50%Marge: Well, it's almost 9:30.
50%-- Lights out by 10:00, "Marge on the Lam"
51%Man: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to
51% saw your arms off. [brandishes a buzzsaw]
51%Homer: [plaintive] They'll grow back, right?
51%Man: Oh, er, yeah.
51%Homer: Whew!
51%-- He failed anatomy, I guess, "Marge on the Lam"
52%Ruth: [sighs] I envy you and Homer.
52%Marge: Thank you. [realizing] Why?
52%Ruth: If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did
52% was eat, sleep, and drink beer.
52%Marge: Your point being?
52%-- "Marge on the Lam"
53%Ruth: [about her ex-husband] To top it off, he's been stiffing me on
53% child support for the last four months.
53%Marge: Hmm. Well, you _were_ unlucky. But there _are_ a lot of good
53% men out there.
53%Barney: Hey! [to waiter] Can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy
53% somethin' --
53%-- "Marge on the Lam"
54%Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines.
54% That's why I had the firemen write me a note.
54%Marge: [reads] "Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a
54% lumberyard burned down."
54%Homer: D'oh! [sadly] Lumber has a million uses.
54%-- Even worse, "Marge on the Lam"
55%Marge: I'm disappointed in you. But it turns out I had a wonderful time
55% with Ruth Powers. In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night.
55%Homer: Marge, that's twice. I think you're spending entirely too much
55% time with this woman.
55%Marge: Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends.
55% [Flashback to Marge and three women drinking coffee in the living
55% room]
55%Woman: Heh heh. Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday.
55% [Homer walks in wearing a "No Fat Chicks" T-shirt and Hawaiian
55% shorts]
55%Homer: Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look! It's doing it
55% again.
55%-- Respect thy wife, "Marge on the Lam"
56%Homer: Marge, you can't go out on Saturday! That's our special night.
56%Marge: What's so special about it?
56%Homer: What's so -- [sarcastic] Oh, I don't know. A little show called
56% "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"?
56%-- Starring Vanna White, "Marge on the Lam"
57%Homer: Where are you going?
57%Marge: I don't know.
57%Homer: When will you be home?
57%Marge: I'm not sure.
57%Homer: Where are you going?
57%Marge: You already asked me that.
57%-- The long-term effects of TV-watching, "Marge on the Lam"
58%Homer: How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children?
58%Lisa: Have a blast, Mom.
58%Bart: Rock the Casbah!
58%Homer: [sneering at Bart] "Man's best friend," indeed.
58%-- "Marge on the Lam"
59%Marge: You look...nice.
59%Ruth: Tonight has nothing to do with "nice". Tonight's all about --
59% [She puts in a tape: "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows" --]
59% Oh, sorry Marge. Wrong tape.
59% ["Welcome to the jungle! We got fun and games..."]
59%-- The jungle that is...Springfield, "Marge on the Lam"
60%Homer: I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me.
60%Bart: Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in
60% curlers and give you a makeover, [slyly] Homina.
60%Homer: [falsetto] Oh, that would be delightful --
60% [realizing] Quiet, boy!
60%-- "Marge on the Lam"
61%Homer: There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a
61% night out, right, Lisa?
61%Lisa: Sure, dad. [makes a whipping sound]
61%-- Ball and chain, "Marge on the Lam"
62%Homer: That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one
62% who can have a girls' night out. [dials the phone]
62%Lenny: Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game.
62% [Shaves a woman's legs]
62%Woman: Shave up, not down, you idiot!
62%Burns: Ooh, sounds delish! Let me just toss some jeans on and --
62% wait a minute! Who is this?
62%Flanders: Howdily-doodily-do!
62% [Homer hangs up]
62% Hello? Y'ello! Hellodily-odily!
62%-- Maybe some other night, "Marge on the Lam"
63%Homer: Fine. I can have a great time all by myself.
63%Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a
63% babysitter.
63%Homer: Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen "Home Alone"? If some burglars come,
63% it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.
63%Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!
63%Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...
63% [Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what
63% Bart says"] Hmm...you kids _do_ need a babysitter!
63%Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] _Don't_ give that card to
63% me.
63%Homer: Here you g -- [pulls back] No!
63%-- Just before Homer leaves, "Marge on the Lam"
64%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I
64% couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course,
64% being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
64%Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two
64% popsicles out of the freezer.
64%Hutz: Three.
64%Homer: Two.
64%Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
64%Homer: Done!
64%Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.
64%-- "Marge on the Lam"
65%Cowboy: Hey, baby! Feel like gettin' lucky?
65%Marge: I _am_ lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children.
65% Thank you very much.
65%Cowboy: [threatening] Listen, baby, I _always_ get what I want.
65%Marge: [indignant] I said no!
65%Cowboy: Oh, did you? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our
65% apologies.
65%-- A true redneck gentleman, "Marge on the Lam"
66%Homer: Sometimes, you gotta go where everybody knows your name.
66% [walks into Moe's] Hey guys!
66% [No one answers; the fan squeaks]
66% Moe, get the darts. I want to play.
66%Moe: No. We're phasing out the games; people drink less when they're
66% having fun.
66%-- Cause and effect, "Marge on the Lam"
67%Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries.
67%Look at him! He's wearing a belt. [wistfully] That's Hollywood for ya.
67%-- Lionel Hutz on "LA Law", "Marge on the Lam"
68%Hey, Mrs. Simpson! You should try one of these "Smart Drinks." [laughs
68%and drinks it]
68%Ooh, wow...I've wasted my life!
68%-- Otto, realization dawning, "Marge on the Lam"
69%Quimby: Would you, er, like to dance?
69%Marge: Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here!
69%Quimby: I'm, er, here with my nephews.
69%-- Remind you of anyone?, "Marge on the Lam"
70%Marge: What was it you wanted to show me?
70%Ruth: This. [pulls a gun]
70%Marge: [gasps] You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you?
70%-- No, for meat, "Marge on the Lam"
71%Marge: Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates.
71% [Flashback to said date, where Homer brandishes a thick stick]
71% Homer, stop that! It's just a weather station.
71%Homer: Come on, Marge! It's fun to smash things. [hits it] Heh heh, I
71% smashed it good! [laughs some more]
71% [to Marge] You got real purty hair...
71%-- A hopeless romantic, "Marge on the Lam"
72%Ruth: [pointing] Look, you can see our houses.
72%Marge: Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.
72%Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
72%Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to
72% Miguel Sanchez!
72%-- Lawyers can change legal names easily, "Marge on the Lam"
73%Marge: Maybe we should call it a night.
73%Ruth: OK. I _should_ get home to my daughter before that naked talk
73% show comes on.
73%-- The one with bacon on the beach?, "Marge on the Lam"
74%Homer: The old make-out place. Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash
74% it good! [sighs] Oh, it's just no fun without Marge.
74%Wiggum: Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still.
74% [notices Homer] Oh, Simpson! [tosses the moonshine] What are
74% you doing here?
74%Homer: [bitter] My wife is having a girls' night out.
74%Wiggum: Aw, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's
74% a woman, though, because one time I...heh.
74%-- Another story not suitable for children, "Marge on the Lam"
75%Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me?
75%Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child
75% support?
75%Marge: Uh huh.
75%Ruth: Well, to even things up, I kind of stole his car.
75%Marge: Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the
75% police?
75%Ruth: Marge, you're the level-headed friend I never had.
75%-- Small consolation, "Marge on the Lam"
76%Wiggum: We're in pursuit of two female suspects. One is wearing a green
76% dress, pearls, and has a lot of blue hair.
76%Homer: A lot of blue hair? Hee hee -- what a freak!
76%-- A freak that _you_ found her, "Marge on the Lam"
77%Homer: ...it's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I
77% didn't take her to the ballet.
77%Wiggum: That's _exactly_ how Dillinger got started.
77%Homer: [interested] Really?
77%-- You learn something new every day, "Marge on the Lam"
78%Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give
78% yourself up.
78%Ruth: Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that
78% deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren'tcha?
78%Marge: [thinking] I should say something reassuring and noncommittal.
78% [spoken] Hmm.
78%-- Reassuring..._and_ noncommittal, "Marge on the Lam"
79%Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this.
79% Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out.
79%Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are
79% professional lawmen, and --
79% [Ruth turns the car's lights off]
79%Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car! [slams on
79% the brakes]
79% There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know.
79%Homer: [timid] Hold me.
79%Wiggum: [conciliatory] Only if you hold me.
79%-- You first, "Marge on the Lam"
80%Marge: [uncertain] Well, goodbye.
80%Ruth: I'm...sorry about all this. But you gotta admit, we _did_ have
80% some fun.
80%Marge: Yeah...everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely.
80%-- "Marge on the Lam"
81%Woman 1: [to Woman 2] This cross-country flight from the law would be
81% hell if we didn't stick together.
81%Woman 2: Hey: friends _stick_ together.
81%Woman 3: [to Woman 4] It's amazing how through all this adversity, we
81% managed to stick together.
81%Woman 4: If there's _one thing_ decent folk do, it's stick together.
81%Waitress: I hate it when the waffles stick together.
81%Cook: Stickin' together is what good waffles do.
81%-- Philsophy in a truck stop, "Marge on the Lam"
82%Wiggum: Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be
82% sitting pretty.
82% [Marge and Ruth whiz by]
82%Homer: That's them!
82%Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs.
82%-- Wiggum the epicure, "Marge on the Lam"
83%Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.
83%Lisa: Don't worry, Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. [taps
83% him]
83%Hutz: [wakes up, clears his throat] Don't touch my stuff! [holds a
83% knife]
83% Hey, this isn't the YMCA...
83%-- Survival of the fittest, "Marge on the Lam"
84%Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the
84% rebelling women.
84%Dispatch: All right, your current location?
84%Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'm, er, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt...oh,
84% geez, trees, shrubs...er, I'm directly under the earth's
84% sun...now!
84%-- No need for GPS satellites, "Marge on the Lam"
85%Kent: We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The
85% suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of
85% Springfield.
85%Bart: Cool!
85%Lisa: I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the
85% shackles of our male oppressors.
85%Bart: Ehh, shut your yap.
85%-- Bart Simpson, Male Oppressor, "Marge on the Lam"
86%At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt
86%with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could
86%incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause]
86%It's in "Revelations", people!
86%-- Kent Brockman thumps the bible, "Marge on the Lam"
87%Ruth: I give up. A single mother can't win in a man's world.
87%Marge: Ruth, that's a lot of hooey. It's not over 'till it's over.
87% [Grabs the steering wheel, making the car veer off the road]
87% I'm sorry, I should have asked first.
87%-- Always considerate, "Marge on the Lam"
88%Wiggum: Oh, no! They're headed right for the Grand Chasm!
88%Homer: Oh my God! They're going to drive right into it just to teach
88% us men a lesson. And it's all my fault!
88%-- A heavy burden, "Marge on the Lam"
89%Homer: [into bullhorn] Marge, Marge!
89%Marge: Homer?
89%Homer: Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry
89% about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I
89% used your wedding dress to wax the car. And I'm sorry -- oh
89% well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this
89% point.
89%Marge: [to Ruth] You're right: I _am_ lucky to have him.
89%-- Stand by your man, "Marge on the Lam"
90%Wiggum: Hah! And to think those idiot environmentalists were protesting
90% this landfill!
90%Homer: It's solid waste...I could kiss you!
90% [kisses it] Ew...
90% [kisses it] Ooh...
90% [kisses it] Argh!
90% [kisses it] Ooh...I think _this_ was pizza.
90%-- With bile topping, perhaps, "Marge on the Lam"
91%Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The
91% judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced
91% him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the
91% outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz.
91% Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, was
91% paid eight dollars for his thirty-two hours of babysitting.
91% He was glad to get it.
91% Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code
91% section 618A: Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans.
91% She was ordered to pay fifty cents to replace the cans, and
91% $2000 in punitive damages and mental anguish.
91% Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States
91% Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland,
91% for extensive testing.
91%Homer: Woo-hoo!
91%-- The fates of the principal characters, "Marge on the Lam"
92%Ooh! The Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away sixty soiled
92%mattresses!
92%-- Homer reads the "FOR FREE" section of the paper, "Bart's Inner Child"
93%Homer: Oh my God!
93%Lisa: What is it?
93%Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline! [runs out]
93%Bart: He said what now?
93%Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!
93%-- Homer gets excited over a free trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
94%Krusty: You here for the trampoline?
94%Homer: Yeah. What's the deal?
94%Krusty: Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing
94% it out for more dirty limericks: "There once was a man named
94% Enis..."
94%-- Krusty gives away a trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
95%Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering!
95%-- Lisa, after Homer gets a trampoline for the family, "Bart's Inner
95% Child"
96%Bart: I will _never_ get tired of this!
96%Lisa: I'm going to have my wedding here!
96%-- The children play on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
97%Marge: I don't know if this is a good idea.
97%Homer: Marge, it's the perfect exercise! It'll double the value of our
97% house, and it was free! Free!
97%-- Why trampolines are good, "Bart's Inner Child"
98%Bart: Otto, are you OK?
98%Otto: Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. [Bart does so] Thanks,
98% little buddy!
98%-- Otto injures himself on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
99%Todd: Each leap brings us closer to God.
99%Rod: Catch me, Lord, catch me!
99% [They collide and fall onto the ground]
99% What have we done to make God angry?
99%Todd: _You_ did it!
99%-- The Flanders children jump on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
100%Milhouse: Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt.
100%Homer: Kids, kids: once you get hurt, move aside and let other people
100% jump.
100%-- Homer lays down the trampoline rules, "Bart's Inner Child"
101%Homer: Hey, Krusty: I'm bringing back the --
101%Krusty: [points a shotgun at Homer]
101% You just keep right on driving.
101%-- Homer tries to return the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child"
102%That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone.
102%[A shadow grows above Homer]
102%[The trampoline bounces repeatedly off Homer's head, driving his feet
102%into the ground]
102%If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.
102%-- Physics according to "Road Runner", "Bart's Inner Child"
103%All right, all right...you win for now. But someday you'll _rust_!
103%-- Homer vs. the trampoline., "Bart's Inner Child"
104%Bart: Dad, you really want to get rid of this trampoline?
104%Homer: Uh huh.
104%Bart: Observe: a bike lock.
104% [He locks the trampoline to a post]
104% Now just turn around, and count to three: one, two, three --
104% [They turn around to see Snake with a pair of wire cutters]
104% Uh, better make it five.
104%Snake: All right! I got me a bed.
104%-- 1,001 uses, "Bart's Inner Child"
105% [Outside]
105%Kearney: Shh, quiet! You'll wake up old man Simpson.
105%Jimbo: Hey, no more trampoline.
105%Kearney: Let's jump on the car instead!
105%-- Appetite for destruction, "Bart's Inner Child"
106%Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least
106% I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd
106% ever do is work and go to church.
106%Marge: That's not true.
106%Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
106%Marge: I can name ten things! Uh...I made sloppy Joes!
106%Homer: That's not fun.
106%-- The importance of being fun, "Bart's Inner Child"
107%Marge: Hmm...I didn't realize people saw me that way.
107%Lisa: Are you mad?
107%Marge: No, I'm fine. I'm going to my sisters' now.
107% [She runs out and drives away]
107%Flanders: [cheerily] Careful there, Marge, you almost nicked me!
107%-- Marge deals with being a nag, "Bart's Inner Child"
108%Patty: Your blood pressure is off the chart.
108%Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit.
108%-- The sisters inspect Marge, "Bart's Inner Child"
109%Thank you, Martha Quinn. [Audience applauds]
109%There you have it: unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities.
109%She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in.
109%-- Brad Goodman on his infomercial, "Bart's Inner Child"
110%Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality
110% disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow;
110% what's in there? [reads list] Depression, insomnia,
110% motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness,
110% bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity
110% disorder (or GPD), and chronic nagging...nagging...nagging...
110% [Close up shot of Marge]
110%Selma: Sorry, it does that sometimes. [hits the TV]
110%-- Nine things in the seven-colored rainbow, "Bart's Inner Child"
111%Oh, hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help
111%videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid". Well, now
111%I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's
111%right, it's the Brad Goodman [squints at cue cards]
111%something-or-other...
111%-- Troy McClure introduces "Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat", "Bart's Inner
111% Child"
112%A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then
112%Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified
112%wine! [drinks from a can] Ah...sweet liquor eases the pain.
112%-- Troy McClure describes how self-help aided him, "Bart's Inner Child"
113%Troy: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in
113% "impr-you-vement"...Brad Goodman!
113%Brad: Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way...I'm not happy you're
113% still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than
113% fifty.
113%-- "Bart's Inner Child"
114%Brad: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not
114% have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one
114% thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can
114% change your life.
114% [Steps to a blackboard] Troy, this circle is you. [draws one]
114%Troy: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!
114%-- Accurate characterizations, "Bart's Inner Child"
115%Marge: That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a
115% passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do
115% foolish things, I just enable your life script.
115%Homer: And that sends me into a shame spiral.
115%Marge: Exactly!
115%-- Following their bliss, "Bart's Inner Child"
116%Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
116%Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad.
116%Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
116%Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
116%Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.
116%Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
116%Homer: I feel validated by that.
116%Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.
116%Homer: Me too. [walks off whistling]
116%-- The new problem-tackling paradigm, "Bart's Inner Child"
117%Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation Desert Storm!
117%-- Homer finds more good free stuff, "Bart's Inner Child"
118%Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
118%Lisa: We know, Dad.
118%Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to
118% attend this self-help seminar.
118%Bart: What an odd thing to say...
118%-- Homer's new directness approach, "Bart's Inner Child"
119%Brad: Thank you. OK, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't
119% be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!
119%Quimby: I, er, can't commit to a relationship.
119%Burns: I'm too nice!
119%Apu: I have problems with --
119%Lenny: I'm always interrupting people!
119%-- The "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child"
120%Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no
120%trick to it -- it's just a simple trick!
120%-- Brad Goodman at the "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child"
121%Brad: Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner
121% voice inside, your inner child. Listen! What's he saying?
121%Ned: [inside] Stay the course, big Ned. You're doing super!
121%Homer: [inside] Food goes in here! [spoken] It sure does.
121%Moe: [inside] Hey, Moe, what's-a-matter? You no talka with you accent
121% no more. [spoken] Mama mia!
121%-- The inner children speak, "Bart's Inner Child"
122%Brad: Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work. I want you to
122% pretend this dummy right here is your mother.
122%Skinner: OK, I'll try.
122%Brad: Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now.
122%Skinner: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed -- angry! I'm
122% a grown man now [yelling] and I can run my own life!
122% [Tears at the dummy with his teeth]
122%Brad: Calm down, calm down. Oh, _moving_. You can sit down now.
122%Skinner: [sitting next to his mother] We're still going antiquing on
122% Saturday, right, Mother?
122%-- Open aggression, "Bart's Inner Child"
123%Brad: You see, folks, we're all trying to please someone else. And as
123% soon as you're not a human be-ing, you're a human do-ing. Then
123% what comes next?
123%Bart: A human go-ing! [gets up to leave]
123%-- Bart's syllogism of humanity, "Bart's Inner Child"
124%Brad: People, this young man here _is_ the inner child I've been talking
124% about!
124%Lisa: [incredulous] What?
124%-- Lisa's slow acceptance, "Bart's Inner Child"
125%Brad: Son, you've never read any of my books, have you?
125%Bart: [snorts] Earth to boring guy.
125% [Audience howls with laughter]
125%Brad: [laughs] That means "no", huh? I'm not so old-fashioned.
125%-- Grace under pressure, "Bart's Inner Child"
126%Brad: This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious
126% eating disorder, and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle, I'm sure
126% worn only for shock value --
126%Marge: Erm --
126%Brad: -- and yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son.
126% That's fantastic.
126%Marge: Oh, thank you.
126%-- Insurmountable odds, "Bart's Inner Child"
127%Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this --
127%Bart: Rudiger.
127%Brad: -- Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger --
127%Marge: His name is Bart.
127%Brad: [snaps] His name isn't important! What's important here is that
127% this lad has fully developed ego integrity with well-defined
127% boundaries.
127%Bart: [snoring noises]
127% [Audience laughs]
127%-- Bart, everyone's obnoxious inner child, "Bart's Inner Child"
128%Brad: People, I am excited. I can sense a change in the air
128% tonight. You are all going to start _living_, really
128% _living_.
128%Audience: Yay! [chanting] Living! Living!
128%Brad: Be like the boy!
128%Audience: Be like boy! Be like boy!
128%Brad: Just the ladies.
128%Ladies: Be like boy! Be like boy!
128%Brad: Now, the seniors in the back.
128%Seniors: We like Roy! We like Roy!
128%-- Not Roy Cohn, surely?, "Bart's Inner Child"
129%Lisa: This is madness. He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers.
129%Carl: [enthusiastically] And how!
129%-- Lisa sees through Brad Goodman, "Bart's Inner Child"
130%pre-moistened towlette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and
130%really communicating, with no holding back, and this reporter thinks
130%it's about [bleep]ing time. Of course, all these good vibes can be
130%traced to one feisty little scamp [picture of Bart appears] who taught
130%us that if it feels good, do it!
130%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, "Bart's Inner Child"
131%Bart: Lis, today I am a god.
131%Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?
131%Bart: Eww!
131%-- Blessed by the holy bottom, "Bart's Inner Child"
132%Now instead of my boring old sermon, I'm going to take a page from the
132%Book of Bart to do something I've always wanted to do.
132%[Walks over to the organ]
132%Take five, Mrs. Feesh.
132%[Begins playing "The Entertainer" badly] Wait, wait, I can do this...
132%[Starts over, playing more wrong notes]
132%Wait, wait, hold on...
132%-- Reverend Lovejoy does what he feels like, "Bart's Inner Child"
133%Edna: [reading] "The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo
133% Marconi." Who can tell me what his first message was?
133%Bart: Uh --
133%Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name-a!
133% [Everyone laughs]
133%Edna: [chuckling] Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first
133% message by wireless?
133%Bart: It was --
133%Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
133% [Everyone laughs]
133%-- Everyone lives like Bart, "Bart's Inner Child"
134%Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me. So why does it suck?
134%Lisa: It's simple, Bart: you've defined yourself as a rebel, and in the
134% absence of a repressive milieu your societal nature's been
134% co-opted.
134%Bart: [pause] I see.
134%-- Said the blind man, "Bart's Inner Child"
135%Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your
135% identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix,
135% one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society.
135%Bart: What's the answer?
135%Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity.
135% May I suggest...good-natured doormat?
135%Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.
135%-- Lisa consoles Bart, "Bart's Inner Child"
136%Springfield will have its first annual "Do What You Feel" Festival this
136%Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up! It'll be a welcome change
136%from our annual, "Do As We Say" Festival started by German settlers in
136%1946.
136%-- Kent Brockman's residual bitterness, "Bart's Inner Child"
137%Willy: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of
137% you and burn your town to cinders.
137%Workman: [whispering] The mike's on.
137%Willy: I know it's on!
137%-- Don't delay, vote today, "Bart's Inner Child"
138%Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this
138% so-called..._iced_ cream.
138%Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just
138% like to say that...[clears throat]...I...love you.
138%Burns: Hmm?
138%Smithers: [hastily] In those colors! [aside] Oh, who am I kidding? The
138% boathouse was the time!
138%-- Plagued by doubt and regrets, "Bart's Inner Child"
139%Skinner: My God, they're naked!
139%Patty: Double your pleasure, Springfield.
139%Selma: I'm sweating...let's ride through the car wash.
139%Everyone: Ew!
139%McAlister: [snapping a photo of them] Arr! This picture will serve me
139% well on those lonely nights at sea.
139%-- Their biggest fan, "Bart's Inner Child"
140%Homer: This is great...I can finally look like I want, and not get
140% hassled by the man! [Apu and Jamshed ride around the family on
140% skateboards]
140%Apu: Cowabunga!
140%Bart: Skateboards? You copycat wannabes!
140%-- The "Do What You Feel" Festival, "Bart's Inner Child"
141%Good afternoon and welcome to the "Do What You Feel" festival. By the
141%way, this young lady is not my wife, but I _am_ sleeping with her. I'm
141%telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.
141%-- Quimby, the Master of Ceremonies, "Bart's Inner Child"
142%Quimby: And now to usher in this new era of feeling good is the
142% godfather of soul, James Brown.
142%Brown: Ow! [singing]
142% I feel good, huh!
142% I knew that I would, now. How!
142% I feel good, good God!
142% I knew that I would. Hah!
142% So good! So good! I got a-you. Wow!
142% [The bandstand collapses, and everyone gasps]
142% Hey, wait a minute. Hold on here -- this bandstand wasn't
142% double-bolted. Huh.
142%Worker: I didn't feel like it.
142%Homer: Hey, I hear you, buddy.
142%-- James Brown, closet carpenter, "Bart's Inner Child"
143%Marge: Er, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation,
143% but my inner critic says you should have done your job!
143%Ned: Hey, now, Marge, let's not "should" this fellow to death.
143%-- New-age arguments, "Bart's Inner Child"
144%Quimby: In the spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I
144% think. You two screwed up royal!
144%Worker: Ya know, I really don't feel like being blamed.
144%Skinner: I feel that you should shut up!
144%Moe: You know, you really irritate me, Skinner, what with your
144% store-bought haircut and excellent posture.
144%Hot-dog boy: Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice!
144%Moe: Oh, really? [pushes him]
144%Hibbert: Oh, now, now: there's no need to resort to violence.
144%Moe: Oh, sure there is! [punches the boy]
144%-- So much for owning their okayness, "Bart's Inner Child"
145%Marge: I knew it. If only I had nagged more!
145%Lovejoy: God is angry: we've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.
145% [Two women in togas hold onto a giant gold statue of Goodman]
145%-- And the Lord said..., "Bart's Inner Child"
146%Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
146%Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
146%Homer: No we're not.
146%Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
146%-- Short attention spans, "Bart's Inner Child"
147%Homer: Aw, boy: if only Bart had been a better role model for everyone.
147%Marge: That's not fair. The lesson here is that self-improvement is
147% better left to people who live in big cities.
147%Lisa: No! Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix:
147% it's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.
147%Homer: That's what I've been saying! We're all fine the way we are!
147%-- Homer, master paraphraser, "Bart's Inner Child"
148%Homer: Ooh! It's that new show about the policeman who solves
148% crimes in his spare time.
148%Bart: Crank it, Homer!
148%Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, MacGarnicle.
148% Did you really have to break so much furniture?
148%MacGarnicle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind
148% your desk.
148%Homer: Ah, MacGarnicle: eases the pain.
148%Chief: You're off the case, MacGarnicle!
148%MacGarnicle: You're off _your_ case, Chief!
148%Chief: What does that mean exactly?
148%Homer: [yelling] It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
148%Lisa: Dad, siddown.
148%Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.
148%-- More award-winning TV shows, "Bart's Inner Child"
149%Video Man: Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the
149% inexpressible?
149%Martin: [entranced] Tell me more!
149%-- Martin plays "My Dinner with Andre", "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
150%Bart: Be cool, Simpson...but be _in_ the game, not _of_ the game.
150%Man: Bwaa! No es bueno...Bwaa!
150% [He gets shot and falls off the building]
150% [George Bush walks on the screen and kicks the corpse]
150%Bush: [robotically] Winners don't use drugs.
150%-- Bart plays "Panamanian Strongman", "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
151%Bart: Aw, I'm out of money.
151%Milhouse: Don't say that out loud!
151% [Security men watch a bank of TV screens]
151%Man 1: Caucasian males out of money in sector four. Go to code red.
151%-- Bart and Milhouse at the arcade, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
152%Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?
152%Bum: You musn't kill time, boys, you must cherish it. Seize the
152% day!...Can I have some change to go get loaded?
152%-- Bart and Milhouse get ejected from the arcade, "Boy Scoutz N' the
152% Hood"
153%Ah, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites...
153%[Looks at books, picks up peanut jar]
153%Honey-roasted peanuts. Ingredients: "Salt, artificial honey-roasting
153%agents, [excited] pressed peanut sweepings..." Mmm.
153%-- Homer reads a literary masterpiece, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
154%Ah, the last peanut -- overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed
154%brothers.
154%-- Homer with an almost empty jar of peanuts, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
155% [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
155%Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy!
155% Eww, slimy.
155% Oh, moving!
155% Ah-ha! [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty
155% dollars...I wanted a peanut!
155%Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
155%Homer: Explain how.
155%Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
155%-- The voice of reason, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
156%Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar. What do we do?
156%Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style!
156% [Singing together]
156% Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town:
156% the schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down.
156% The stray dogs go to the animal pound,
156%Bart: Springfield, Springfield!
156%Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield!
156%Sailor: New York, New York!
156%Bart: New York is that-a-way, man!
156%Sailor: Thanks, kid!
156%Together: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown!
156%-- Painting the town green, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
157%I don't know where you magic pixies came from...but I like your pixie
157%drink! [drinks some Squishy]
157%-- Barney to Milhouse and Bart, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
158%Bart: [groans] Oh, my head.
158%Lisa: Tsk, tsk, tsk, the remorse of the sugar junkie.
158%Bart: Ohh...I don't remember anything.
158%Lisa: Really? Not even...this? [pulls back the covers]
158% [Bart is dressed as in a uniform]
158%Bart: Aah! Oh, no! I must have joined the Junior Campers.
158%Lisa; The few, the proud, the geeky. [Laughs unsympathetically]
158%Bart: Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.
158%-- Bart considers a membership in Squishyholics Anonymous, "Boy Scoutz
158% N' the Hood"
159%Bart: OK, look: I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior
159% Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done: I've made my
159% bed, and ow I've got to weasel out of it.
159%Marge: I know you think the Junior Campers are square and "uncool", but
159% they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-alongs and flag
159% ceremonies.
159%Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is
159% important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!...
159% except the weasels.
159%-- The morning after the Squishy bender, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
160%Bart: All I've got to do is take this uniform back after school.
160%Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers; _I_ got a
160% dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
160%Skinner: [gasps] What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to
160% shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a
160% right: it's a privilege!
160%-- The curse of the toupee, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
161%Nelson: What's in the bag, wuss? [grabs it from Bart]
161% Oh, look: [contemptuously] Campers' Pampers. Heh.
161% [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney appear, and the four bullies start to
161% play "Keepaway!"]
161%Bart: Yeah, whatever. [walks away]
161%Jimbo: [blocking his path] You better pretend you want your uniform
161% back, twerp!
161%Bart: [gulps]
161% [The bullies begin to play Keepaway again]
161%Bart: [half-hearted] Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform.
161%-- Oozing sincerity, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
162%Edna: Guess what, class?
162%Martin: Time for a surprise quiz?
162%Edna: Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it's a good idea.
162% Hah!
162%-- Thank you, Mr. Prince, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
163%Edna: Take out a sheet of paper, books under your desk.
163%Warren: [whining] I'm supposed to -- I've got -- I'm supposed to --
163%Edna: Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All Junior Campers are excused to
163% attend their patrol meeting.
163%Bart: [hastily putting on the uniform] Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I-I'd love
163% to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities.
163%Nelson: Hey, look: sergeant Dork! Ha-ha!
163%Bart: [slyly] Enjoy your test.
163%Nelson: Ha-h -- [realizing] Aw!
163%-- Saved by the skin of his teeth, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
164%Bart: Hello, alternative to testing!
164% [Opens the door, sees Ned Flanders] Ohh...
164%Ned: Well, it's Bart Simpson...come on in! You're just in time for
164% "Sponge Bath the Old Folks" Day!
164%Jasper: Help yourself...but stay above the equator!
164%-- Frightening introductory activities, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
165%Ned: Well sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary
165% pinecone and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir!
165%Bart: I'm outta here, man. [starts to leave]
165%Ned: OK, now everybody take out your Junior Campers' pocket-knives.
165%Bart: Huh? [excited] You guys get to play with knives? [grabs one of
165% the other kids' knives] Aw, cool: a spork!
165%Kid: Don't hurt me!
165%-- Bart at a Junior Campers meeting, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
166%Moe: When I say, "Put your beer on a coaster," I mean it!
166%Hans: You call that a knife? This is a knife! [pulls a huge blade from
166% his cane]
166% [It's too heavy for him to hold up]
166% [weakly] Ooh, down I go.
166%-- Crocodile Moleman, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
167%"Don't do what Donny Don't does"...[sighs] They could have made this
167%clearer.
167%-- Bart reads a knife safety book, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
168%Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol,
168% boning up on his nerd lessons.
168%Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive.
168%Homer: You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. [ruffles his hair]
168% [Marge leaves]
168% [singing] Egghead likes his booky-books!
168%Marge: Homer!
168%Homer: Just tucking him in.
168%-- Homer, master of tolerance, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
169%Here you go: your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of
169%"pussy willow"!
169%-- Ned to Bart the Junior Camper after Bart passes a knife safety test,
169% "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
170%Ned: Howdely-hey, Camper Bart. Ready for today's meeting?
170%Bart: You knowdely-know it, Neddy.
170%Ned: Okily dokily.
170%-- Bart learns Nedspeak, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
171%Ned: Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend.
171%Bart: [thinking] Oh no, me bring Homer on a rafting trip?
171% [In Bart's imagination, Homer wears a paper sailor hat and
171% faces the wrong way in the raft]
171%Homer: Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. [splashes everyone
171% with his oar]
171%Father 1: What an oaf!
171%Father 2: How embarrassing.
171%Camper: Glad he's not _my_ father.
171%-- Nightmare rafting trips, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
172%Ned: Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret! A
172% special celebrity dad has been arranged for you.
172%Warren: But -- my older brother would like --
172%Ned: [cheerfully] Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already
172% been confirmed.
172% [Ernest Borgnine walks in laughing]
172%Ernest: Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant Fatso Judson
172% in "From Here to Eternity".
172% [The kids except for Bart and Warren cheer]
172%-- Or not, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
173%Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to
173% trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?
173% Huh?
173% [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
173%Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting
173% trip.
173%Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son.
173%-- People unclear on the concept, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
174%Bart: [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask
174% him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault.
174%Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go,
174% I'll just say, "Yes!"
174%Homer's brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
174%Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
174%Bart: [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come
174% on this trip with me.
174%Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on
174% your trip with you.
174%Bart & Homer: D'oh!
174%-- The rafting trip showdown, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
175%McAllister: Arr, here be a fine vessel -- the yarest river-going boat
175% there be.
175%Homer: I'll take it!
175% [The raft sinks]
175%McAllister: [sadly] Arr, I don't know what I'm doing.
175%-- The truth comes out, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
176%Ned: Okey dokey, every dad find a partner. Two dads to a raft.
176% [All dads except Homer shake hands and smile at one another]
176%Homer: Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders --
176%Ned: Well, Homer, looks like we're boat-buddies, huh? Want me to zinc
176% your sniffer?
176%-- A fate worse than death, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
177%Ned: Well, I guess now we know why they call them "rapids" and not
177% "slowpids", huh?
177%Bart: [appreciative] Ha, ha!
177%Homer: You are not my son!
177%-- Bart gets disowned in the raft, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
178%Ned: Now, what happened to that gosh-darn map I brought?
178% [said map is on Homer's head as a sailor's hat. It blows off]
178%Homer: Um, I dunno...but lucky for you _somebody_ here is responsible.
178% [pulls out a "Krusty Burger Fun Map"]
178% Hey, there's a _New_ Mexico.
178%-- Useful geography trivia, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
179% [Homer dances on a beach with ice cream cones and lollipops]
179%Homer: [singing] Sugar, do-do-do do, do do,
179% Oh, honey honey, do-do-do do, do do,
179% You are my candy girl...
179% [batteries in walkman run down]
179% Lousy piece of junk! [throws it into the water]
179%Todd: Hey...I got that for my birthday!
179%Homer: Now I have to face stupid reality again.
179%-- Homer's escapism, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
180%Homer: Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash
180% them.
180%Flanders: Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's
180% our only hope!
180%Homer: Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you
180% think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water,
180% water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."
180%-- The Rime of the Modern Homer, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
181%Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed!
181% [a seagull flies into view]
181%Flanders: Wrong, we're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They
181% only go out to sea to die!
181% [it squawks and spirals into the ocean]
181%Homer: [triumphant] Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right,
181% not Flanders. We _are_ doomed! In your face, Flanders!
181%-- Extreme grudge-holding, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
182%Bart: A rescue plane! Get the flare gun!
182% [Flanders does so, but Homer grabs it]
182%Homer: This ain't one of your church picnic flare-gun firings, Flanders!
182% This is the real thing!
182% [He discharges the gun, and the flare hits the plane and
182% explodes]
182% D'oh!
182%-- Homer, Church of Armaments member, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
183%Ned: Oh, we're done for, we're done for, we're done diddely done
183% for, we're done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily, done
183% diddely doodily, done diddely doodily --
183%Homer: [grabs him and slaps him] Flanders! Snap out of it! [slap!]
183%Ned: Thank you, Homer...I don't know what got -- [slap! slap!
183% slap!]
183%Bart: [grabbing Homer's arm] Dad, I think he's OK --
183%Homer: [slap! slap! slap slap!] It's better [slap!] to be [slap!]
183% safe [slap!] than [slap!] sorry! [slap! slap! slap!]
183% [apologizing] Sorry.
183%Flanders: Diddely -- [slap!]
183%-- Violence solves everything, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
184%Homer: Son, there was something I was going to give you at the end of
184% this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it
184% now.
184%Bart: [gasps] A real Swiss Army knife! Cool!
184%Homer: I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
184% [Scene switch to a ferocious bear]
184%Ernest: Don't worry, kids! I'll take care of him with my trusty...
184% [searches for his knife]...er, er, um, er, uh, hmm.
184%-- Who needed it more?, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
185%Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If
185%I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug.
185%-- Bart to Homer as they near death, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
186%The foul stench of death is upon us! [sniffs] Mmm, hamburgers.
186%-- Homer's famous nearly-last words, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
187%Homer: According to this map, there's a Krusty Burger on an offshore
187% oil rig.
187%Flanders: That's what you're smelling, Homer! Oh, if it weren't for
187% this blasted fog, we'd be saved.
187%Homer: Never mind the fog! [sniffs] That way! Steer, there isn't
187% much time!
187%-- The nose knows, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
188%Krusty: Oh, I'm taking a bath on this.
188%Man: We tried to tell you, these are _unmanned_ oil rigs.
188%Krusty: Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever going to come.
188%Homer: [runs in] Give me seven hundred Krusty burgers!
188%Kid: You want fries with that?
188%-- Just in the nick of time, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood"
189%Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything?
189%Lisa: Not yet, sir.
189%Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait?
189%Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility
189% far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
189%Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son?
189%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
189%Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's
189% on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
189% that way to our elders.
189%Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
189% [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
189% All right! We eat tonight!
189%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
190%Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole \\
190%* Is Power Plant Responsible? \\
190%Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms \\
190%Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
190%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
190% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
191%Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? \\
191%* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap \\
191%Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
191%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
191% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
192%Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in
192% and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
192%Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find
192% better things to do with my time.
192%Marge: Like what?
192%Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday
192% back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry]
192% What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out...
192%Marge: You're late for work, Homer.
192%Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me.
192%Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad.
192%Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer!
192%Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...
192%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
193%Hi, ho, faceless employees.
193%-- Monty Burns greets his faceless employees,
193% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
194%Hold me, Smithers.
194%-- Monty Burns, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
195%Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy]
195%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
195% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
196%Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
196%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
196% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
197%Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
197%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
197% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
198%Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly]
198% Uh, just resting my eyes!
198%Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
198%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
198% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
199%Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy,
199% deplorable...
199%Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and
199% thousands of dollars just lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh,
199% Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
199% return, the pile of money will be gone.
199% [leaves, waits, then returns]
199% Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are
199% still here.
199%Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying
199% to bribe me.
199%Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
199% [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets]
199% Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!
199%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
199% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
200%Burns: How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?
200%Smithers: Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir.
200%Burns: Fifty-six million!
200%Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.
200%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
200% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
201%Ooh! Cushy!
201%-- Homer sits in Monty Burns' car,
201% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
202%Burns: Do you realize how much it costs to run for office?
202% More than any honest many could afford!
202%Homer: I bet could afford it, though.
202%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
203%Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
203%Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
203%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
204%Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
204%-- Lisa, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
205%Now, here's the problem as I see it.
205%While Governor Bailey is belov\'ed by all,
205%ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse.
205%-- Monty Burns' political advisor,
205% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
206%Advisor: Their job is to turn this Mr. Burns...
206% [shows standard portrait of Monty Burns]
206% ... into this one.
206% [shows `artist's conception'.]
206%Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?
206%Advisor: Because you're smiling!
206%Burns: Ah, excellent!
206% Yeah, this is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.
206%-- Monty Burns runs for office,
206% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
207%Thank you for watching `Movie for a Dreary Afternoon'.
207%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
208%An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?
208%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
209%Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
209%Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal?
209% I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
209% you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
209%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
209% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
210%Advisor: Now remember to smile.
210%Burns: [back to camera] I smiling.
210%Advisor: You'll have to do better than that.
210%Burns: [grunt, grunt] How's this?
210%Advisor: There you go!
210%Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace]
210% Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!
210%-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement,
210% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
211%By the time this paid political announcement is done, every
211%Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating
211%out of my hands. [realizes the camera is on] Oh, hello, friends.
211%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
211% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
212%But don't take word for it.
212%Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what thinks.
212%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
212% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
213%So you're saying this fish may have an advantage over other fish.
213%It may be, in fact, a kind of `Super-Fish'!
213%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement,
213% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
214%This fish is a miracle of nature. With a taste that can't be beat.
214%[rubs his tummy] Mmm-mm!
214%-- Monty Burns neutralizes the fish story,
214% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
215%``Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns.''
215%-- Monty Burns' campaign song,
215% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
216%Wow! Super-Fish!
216%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
217%That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood!
217%-- Abe, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
218%Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
218%Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.
218%Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, a Burns Booster.
218% [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!
218%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
218% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
219%Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are
219% up six points.
219%Burns: Ah, giving me a total of...
219%Advisor: Six.
219%-- Burns runs for governor,
219% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
220%Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state
220% are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their
220% intelligence and good judgement.
220%Reporter: Interesting strategy.
220%-- The gubernatorial campaign,
220% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
221%Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey
221%Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey.
221%Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns.
221%Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns.
221%-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign,
221% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
222%Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?
222%Advisor 1: Well, we've gone through her garbage.
222%Advisor 2: We talked to her maid.
222%Advisor 1: And so far, the only negative thing we have found is
222% from some guy who dated her when she was 16.
222%Burns: Ah. And?
222%Advisor 2: He, uh, he felt her up.
222%Burns: Bah! Not good enough!
222%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
223%Bart: Is your boss governor yet?
223%Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.
223%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
224%Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.
224%Burns: Hot dog!
224%Advisor: But there's a down-side to it.
224% The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with
224% the common man.
224%Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!
224%-- Burns runs for governor,
224% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
225%Homer: Oh! Great toast, Marge!
225% Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is
225% coming over for dinner.
225%Marge: What!?
225%Homer: Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to
225% feed them.
225%Bart: Cool, man! A media circus!
225%Marge: Absolutely not!
225%Homer: Come on, Marge!
225%Marge: Mm mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
225%Homer: D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
225%Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away]
225%Homer: [on his knees] Please please please please please please please please
225% please please...
225%-- The power of persuasion,
225% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
226%Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime
226% tomorrow?
226%Lisa: ``Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway
226% freight train. Why are you so popular?''
226%Advisor: Very good.
226%Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
226% my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
226% day render it uninhabitable?
226%Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine.
226%Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
226%Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure
226% she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
226%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
226% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
227%Mr. Burns wants you to appear veeeery affectionate towards him.
227%But we must remind you, he hates being touched.
227%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
227% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
228%Homer: Marge, get back in bed.
228%Marge: [on the floor] No, I'm just fine right here.
228%Homer: What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.
228%Marge: I don't feel like snuggling.
228%Homer: What's that got to do with it?
228%-- Apparently, not much, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
229%Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog!
229%-- Homer, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
230%Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
230%-- Bart says Grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
231%Lisa, you're learning many valuable lessons tonight. and
231%one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
231%-- Marge, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
232%YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!
232%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
233%Burns: [smashes some pictures] [tries to overturn a table, but can't]
233% Smithers, turn over this table for me.
233%Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so]
233%-- A friend in need, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
234%Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
234% election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
234% go to jail. That's democracy for you.
234%Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
234%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
235%Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like
235% the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing
235% to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't
235% you make it better, huh?
235%Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
235% dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on
235% weekends, no one man can destroy them.
235%Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]
235%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
236%TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler?
236%Homer: Hitler!
236%Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota?
236%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
237%TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?
237%[all four simultaneously]
237%Bart: Blue! Orange! Red! Purple!
237%Patty: [bored] Green.
237%Selma: [bored] Green.
237%Homer: Yellow! Red! White! Black! Green!
237%Contestant: [pause] Green.
237%Homer: I was right!
237%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
238%Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to.
238%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
239%For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza,
239%Hair City, Utah.
239%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
240%Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough!
240%Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration
240%product in the trash]
240%-- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
241%We do have a product that is more in your price range. However, I must
241%assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be
241%purely coincidental.
241%-- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah''
242%Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint...
242% [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing.
242% [leaves, crying]
242%[at the nuclear plant]
242%Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing!
242% And I storm right out of there.
242%-- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah''
243%Dry fish-sticks! This sucks!
243%-- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah''
244%Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
244%Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
244%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
245%Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the
245%jackpot?
245%-- One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance
245% form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
246%Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
246%-- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
247%Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
247%Barney: Hey, it's the president!
247%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
248%Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
248%Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it.
248%Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar!
248%Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him]
248%Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh.
248%Marge: Oh, Ooh!
248%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
249%Patty: This is Homer? Oh, my!
249%Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling.
249%Patty: Look who's talking.
249%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
250%Burns: None of these cretins deserves a promotion!
250%Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within
250% per year.
250%Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter?
250%Smither: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more
250% dynamic and resourceful.
250%Burns: Simpson, eh?
250%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
251%Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive.
251%Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to
251%room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
251%-- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah''
252%Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough...
252%-- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
253%Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's
253% only a matter of time until they find you out.
253%Homer: Gasp! Who told you?
253%Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders,
253% the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself
253% in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
253%-- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
254%Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high
254% worker accident rate.
254%Burns: [expels breath] Any suggestions?
254%Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
254%Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
254%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
255%Burns: How would you improve the worker situation?
255%Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when
255% the cafeteria would serve fish sticks...
255%Burns: Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about?
255%Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of
255% the sticks [sic]. Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it...
255%-- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah''
256%Let them have their tar-tar sauce!
256%-- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah''
257%You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself
257%is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level is
257%just as high as during Simpson's last vacation.
257%-- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah''
258%Oh, hey ho, men. You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when
258%I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...
258%-- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah''
259%Hm... $1000? Dimoxinil? ``To keep brain from freezing''?
259%-- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
260%Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want?
260%Lisa: An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
260%Homer: Uh... How about a pony?
260%Lisa: Okay!
260%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
261%Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan
261% out of $1000.
261%Burns: What!? Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside]
261% And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher...
261%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
262%Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die!
262%Bart: I love you, Dad!
262%Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you,
262% but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the
262% rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your
262% family, and baldness is hereditary!
262%Bart: It is!?
262%-- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah''
263%Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion.
263%-- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed,
263% ``Simpson and Delilah''
264%Homer: [picks up a note]
264%Karl's voice: Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your
264% speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards. All the big words are spelled
264% phonetically
264%Homer: Phonanetically.
264%Karl's voice: God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special
264% creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there]
264% Your obedient servant, Karl. ... Good luck, sir.
264%Homer: [startles] Karl, so that just a sweet voice I heard inside
264% my head.
264%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
265%Homer: I'm just a big fool.
265%Karl: Oh no, you're not.
265%Homer: How do you know?
265%Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack]
265%Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl!
265%Karl: Now go get 'em, tiger!
265%Homer: [roar!]
265%Karl: [pats Homer's behind as he leaves]
265%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
266%Homer: [ahem] A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
266% [burns a dollar bill]
266%Burns: He's crazy!
266%-- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
267%Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair!
267%-- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah''
268%[card #56 reads: ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the
268%one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.''
268%Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for
268% a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and...
268% lots of money...
268%-- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
269%Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am?
269%Homer: I dunno. A hundred and two?
269%Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one...
269%-- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah''
270%Burns: I'm giving you your old job back.
270%Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
270%Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider.
270%Homer: Oh. Better hurry up.
270%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
271%Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! [walks to the front of the room]
271%Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I
271%read was . It's about these... [describing the book jacket]
271%pirates. Pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold
271%teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... [pause]
271%Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson?
271%And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion,
271%on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being
271%the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine.
271%Any questions? [hands go up] Nope? Then I'll just sit down.
271%-- Bart's book report, ``Bart Gets an F''
272%Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
272%-- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book
272% he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F''
273%I will not fake my way through life.
273%-- Bart's blackboard punishment, ``Bart Gets an F''
274%Ms. K: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term.
274% Are you aware of that?
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Blah blah, blah-blah. Blah blah blah blah blah?
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Blah blah. Blah-blah blah, blah blah blah.
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you.
274%Bart: Yes, ma'am.
274%Ms. K: Well, then what did I say?
274%Bart: Uhhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right?
274%Ms. K: Pah! That was a lucky guess.
274%-- Yes, ma'am, ``Bart Gets an F''
275%Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please.
275%Marge: Just a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news.
275%Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom.
275%Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring.
275%-- It's like walking and chewing gum, ``Bart Gets an F''
276%Homer: Pssst. Marge, come take a look at this.
276% [Bart has fallen asleep at his desk]
276%Marge: Oh... the little tiger tries so hard.
276% Why does he keep failing?
276%Homer: Just a little dim, I guess.
276%-- Like father, like son, ``Bart Gets an F''
277%Bart: [reading his history book while boarding the bus]
277%Otto: Hey, Bart-dude! Whoa, you look freaked!
277%Bart: Hey, Otto-man. I got a big test today I am ready for.
277% Could you please crash the bus or something?
277%Otto: Oh-ho, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose.
277% But, hey! Maybe you'll get lucky!
277%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
278%Bart: Good morning, girls!
278%Sherry+Terry: Good morning, Bart!
278%Bart: Say... Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first.
278% What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
278%Sherry: The Spirit of St. Louis.
278%Bart: [taking notes] And where'd they land?
278%Terry: Sunny Acapulco.
278%Bart: And why'd they leave England?
278%Sherry: Giant rats.
278%Bart: Cool! History's coming alive!
278%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
279%Ms. K: All right, class, take one and pass the rest back. [hands out exams]
279%Bart: [to himself] Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you.
279% [convulses and collapses on the floor, moaning]
279%Ms. K: Ugh. What is it, Bart.
279%Bart: [climbing back to his seat] Nothing... Must... take... test...
279% [falls back to the floor]
279%-- Bart the Thespian, ``Bart Gets an F''
280%Nurse: [concerned] What's the matter, son?
280%Bart: [clutching his stomach] Sharp, stabbing pains... in my stomach.
280%Nurse: Oh dear, I've heard of this... [consults a medical reference book,
280% opens to the page ``Amoria Phlebitis'']
280% Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?
280%Bart: [waving his arms] Both arms, ma'am.
280%Nurse: Temporary loss of vision?
280%Bart: [blindly] Huh? Who said that? Come closer...
280%-- Live from the Improv, ``Bart Gets an F''
281%I wish had Amoria Phlebitis...
281%-- Homer, ``Bart Gets an F''
282%Lisa: Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.
282%Bart: Well, everyone better keep their mouth shut.
282%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
283%Ms. K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our district psychiatrist
283% Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
283%Homer: Hey, Dr. J.
283%Dr. J: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what
283% laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an
283% underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this...
283% proud of it?
283%Homer: Hmmm.
283%Dr. J: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead
283% to blah blah blah blah...
283%Homer: Uh-huh.
283%Dr. J: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah...
283%Homer: Mmmm...
283%-- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F''
284%Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear?
284%-- Bart learns he might be held back a grade, ``Bart Gets an F''
285%As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
285%-- Bart, ``Bart Gets an F''
286%Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!
286%Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw
286% stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns.
286%Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible
286% `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head, little man?
286%Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
286%Otto: Yeah huh...
286%Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade
286% if I don't shape up.
286%Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing
286% that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself,
286% twice! Look at me, man! Now I the school bus!
286%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
287%Bart: I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much.
287%Martin: They... laugh at me? I've always considered myself rather popular.
287%Bart: You're not. Watch. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs]
287%Martin: But... but my speed with numbers... [Bart helps Martin to his feet]
287% my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas?
287% These things mean nothing to them?
287%Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. [pushes him down again, more laughs]
287%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
288%No study area is complete without adequate plant life.
288%-- Martin, ``Bart Gets an F''
289%Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus]
289%Bart: No!
289%Martin: No?
289%Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the
289% back row. And that's just on the bus, it goes for school and
289% church, too.
289%Martin: Why?
289%Bart: [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing!
289%Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing]
289% the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity
289% to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart:
289% \math M \propto 1/P \math]
289%Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that...
289%-- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F''
290%Pretty soon, you will be ready to try it with a book!
290%-- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F''
291%Who would have ever thought that pushing a boy into the girl's lavatory
291%could be such a thrill! The screams! The humiliation! The fact that
291%it wasn't me!
291%-- Martin joins Bart and friends, ``Bart Gets an F''
292%Bart: [praying] Well, old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know
292% I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school
292% tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more
292% day to study, Lord. I need Your help!
292%Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel.
292%Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll
292% cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do
292% it, You can! Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.
292%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
293%Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga!
293%Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
293%Bart: [rushes for the front door. Lisa's ominous shadow blocks the way] Hey!
293%Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your
293% prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or
293% what God is exactly, all I know is He's a force more powerful than Mom
293% and Dad put together, and you owe Him big. [shuts the door]
293%Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa]
293% I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man!
293% [goes upstairs to his room]
293% I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that
293% stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be?
293% [looks out window...]
293%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
294%Burns: I was never one to back away from a snowball fight!
294% Smithers, you may fire at will!
294%Smithers: Certainly, sir.
294%-- Snow Day, ``Bart Gets an F''
295%I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of
295%Springfield!
295%-- Diamond Joe Quimby, ``Bart Gets an F''
296%Th. Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident...
296%Bart: [to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident...
296% We hold these truths to be self-evident...
296%Th. Jefferson: That all men are created equal.
296%Bart: [to himself] That all men are created equal...
296%Th. Jefferson: And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent
296% and inalienable...
296%Delegate: [glances out the window, points]
296% Hey, look, everybody! It's snowing!
296%Delegate: In the middle of July?
296%Al. Hamilton: It's a miracle!
296%Ben Franklin: [comes in, shakes snow off his wig]
296% Fellas, I've invented something fun! The sled!
296% [all the delegates (except Bart) rush outside to play]
296%Delegate: [o.s.] Hey, look everybody!
296% John Hancock's writing his name in the snow!
296%-- Trying to study during a snow day, ``Bart Gets an F''
297%You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man!
297%-- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F''
298%Bart: I... passed?
298%Ms. K: Just barely!
298%Bart: Gasp! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [crying tears of joy]
298% All right! [kisses Ms. Krabappel and dances out of the classroom]
298% I passed, I passed, I passed, I passed! I got a D-! I passed!
298% [showing off his exam to anyone and everyone]
298% I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed!
298% I passed! I... ... ... kissed the teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick!
298%-- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F''
299%Homer: We're proud of you, boy!
299%Bart: Thanks Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God...
299%-- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F''
300%Hello everyone. You know, Hallowe'en is a very strange holiday. Personally,
300%I don't understand it. Mm mm... Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be
300%devils. Oooh, things on TV that are inappropriate for younger
300%viewers. Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother
300%kids. But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary.
300%So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed
300%early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for
300%your attention.
300%-- Marge's disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Terror''
301%Ooh, what a haul this year. I Hallowe'en!
301%-- Homer returns from a night of trick-or-treating, ``Treehouse of Terror''
302%Prime location, eighteen bedrooms, moat...
302%-- Marge admires the family's new mansion,
302% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
303%House: Geeettt ooouuuttt...
303%Marge: What on earth was that?
303%Homer: Probably just the house settling.
303%-- The Simpsons buy a haunted house,
303% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
304%Mm... This kitchen could use a woman's touch.
304%-- Marge discovers a blood-covered kitchen in their new home,
304% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
305%Lisa: It looks like a vortex. A gateway into another dimension.
305%Homer: Oooh, a vortex. [takes an orange and tosses it in] Catch!
305% [the orange disappears with a pop]
305% Heeeeey! Pretty slick!
305% [a crumpled-up piece of paper comes back]
305%Lisa: [reads the message] ``Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.''
305%-- ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
306%Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.
306%-- A message from the beyond, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
307%Lisa: I can feel an evil presence in this house.
307%Marge: Evil!?
307%Homer: Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother.
307%-- First things first, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
308%It's only natural there be things wrong with an old house like this.
308%It's a fixer-upper!
308%-- Homer explains the family's new (haunted) house,
308% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
309%House: They are all against you, Bart... You must kill them all...
309% They all must die...
309%Bart: Are you my conscience?
309%House: I... [pause] ... Yes, I am.
309%-- A conversation with the... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
310%This family's had its differences, and we've squabbled,
310%but we never had knife fights before.
310%-- Marge, after the infamous knife scene,
310% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
311%Lisa: It's an ancient Indian burial ground...
311%Bart: Man, this place has got everything!
311%-- ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
312%Mr. Bloot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to
312%mention one little thing: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL
312%GROUND! ... NO YOU DIDN'T! ... Well, that's not recollection. ...
312%Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye! [angrily hangs up] He said he mentioned
312%it five or six times.
312%-- Homer, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
313%You will diiiiieeeee. You will die slowwwwwwwly.
313%Your stomach will swelllllllll, your intestines will wriiiithe and booooil.
313%Your eeeeeyes will buuuuurn. And some horrible stuuuuuuuff, possibly
313%your braiiiiin, will start coming out through your noooooooose.
313%-- A house that knows how to get its point across,
313% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
314%Bart: Do it again!
314%House: What?
314%Bart: Make the walls bleed.
314%House: No!
314%Bart: Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood!
314%House: I don't have to entertain .
314%Bart: Come on, man, do it. Do the blood thing. Come on, do it.
314% Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!
314%-- Bart talks to the ... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
315%Hm... Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have? [self-destructs]
315%-- The House, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
316%Bitchin'!
316%-- Bart watches the house self-destruct,
316% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
317%It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. One can't help but
317%feel a little rejected.
317%-- Lisa, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
318%Alien: Greetings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.
318%Marge: You, you speak English.
318%Alien: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence,
318% both of our languages are exactly the same.
318%-- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens,
318% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
319%Look, I know that to you, we Simpsons are a lower order of life.
319%We face that prejudice every day of our lives...
319%-- Lisa pleads for mercy from the aliens,
319% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
320%Radish rosettes! These are hard to make. They're a very advanced race.
320%-- Marge admires the aliens' food,
320% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
321%Alien: [drooling] Your wife is quite a... dish.
321%Homer: Oooh, thanks.
321%-- ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
322%Alien: On this cable system, we receive over one million channels from the
322% furthest reaches of the galaxy.
322%Bart: Do you get HBO?
322%Alien: No, that would cost extra.
322%-- Showing the flying saucer's entertainment center,
322% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
323%Alien 1: Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel
323% raise your hand. [raises his tentacle]
323%Alien 2: [raises his tentacle]
323%Bart: [raises his hand]
323%Homer: [slaps Bart's hand]
323%Alien 1: All right, then.
323%Marge: I'm sorry. Your game is very nice.
323%-- After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO,
323% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
324%Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons!
324%-- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
325%Alien: We offered you paradise. You would have experienced emotions
325% a hundred times greater than what you call love. And a thousand
325% times greater than what you call fun. You would have been treated
325% like gods and lived forever in beauty. But, now, because of your
325% distrustful nature, that can never be.
325%Marge: [aside] Mmmm. For a superior race, they really rub it in.
325%-- ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
326%Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?
326%-- Marge, after Lisa ruins things yet again,
326% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
327%Narrator: While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
327% As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
327%Homer: 'Tis some visiter,
327%Narrator: I muttered,
327%Homer: tapping at my chamber door---
327% Only this and nothing more.
327%Bart: Are we scared yet?
327%-- Lisa reads ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
328%Narrator: Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
328%Homer: Sir,
328%Narrator: said I,
328%Homer: or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
328% But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
328% And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
328% That I scarce was sure I heard you
328%Narrator: ---here I opened wide the door;---
328%Homer: [throws open the door and covers his eyes]
328%Bart: [impatiently] This better be good.
328%Homer: [peeks through his fingers]
328%Narrator: Darkness there and nothing more.
328%Homer: Huh?
328%-- ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
329%Homer: Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,
329%Narrator: I said,
329%Homer: art sure no craven,
329% Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore---
329% Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!
329%Narrator: Quoth the Raven
329%Bart/Raven: Eat my shorts!
329%-- ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
330%Bart: Lisa, that wasn't scary. Not even for a poem.
330%Lisa: Well it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to
330% scare back then.
330%Bart: Oh, yeah. Like when you look at ``Friday the Thirteenth, Part 1''.
330% Pretty tame by today's standards.
330%-- Lisa reads ``The Raven'', ``Treehouse of Terror''
331%Homer: There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one
331% of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became
331% a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.
331%Barney: Please, Homer?
331%Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
331%Homer: Well, okay.
331%-- Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of
331% how he became a loser, ``Dancin' Homer''
332%[police sirens wail in the distance]
332%Heh, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ballpark! Awright!
332%Two birds with one stone!
332%-- Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
333%Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it
333% to the big leagues someday.
333%Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers?
333%Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here.
333%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
334%Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire.
334%Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the
334% right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself.
334%Marge: Mph.
334%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
335%Burns: Ah, the Gammels. Good to see you.
335%Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.
335%Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog!
335% [laughs]
335%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
335% ``Dancin' Homer''
336%Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
336%Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir.
336%Burns: Eh? [refers to the index card] Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson.
336% Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'.
336%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
336% ``Dancin' Homer''
337%Marge: Here you go, Bart.
337%Bart: [reads the inscription] Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26,
337% How about it? -- Flash.
337%Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic,
337% Marge.
337%-- Marge gets a baseball autographed, ``Dancin' Homer''
338%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball,
338% the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest
338% and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!
338% [isolated smatterings of applause]
338%Smithers: Oh, they love you, sir.
338%-- At the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
339%Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend.
339%Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be
339% by them...
339%-- Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
340%Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?
340%-- Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game,
340% ``Dancin' Homer''
341%Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the
341%post-game show.
341%-- Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville,
341% ``Dancin' Homer''
342%And I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to
342%do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle!
342%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
343%Our lives have taken an odd turn.
343%-- Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... ``Dancin' Homer''
344%Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos!
344%Lisa+Bart: All right!
344%Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm.
344%-- Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
345%For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me,
345%they were laughing me!
345%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
346%A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day...
346%-- Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt,
346% ``Dancin' Homer''
347%S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!! Springfield!!!!!
347%-- Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
348%Tex: Why don't you talk it over with your family?
348%Homer: Because they might say no.
348%-- Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team,
348% ``Dancin' Homer''
349%This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced.
349%I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife.
349%Oh, I shouldn't have called her that.
349%Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Mmph. Ow!
349%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
350%Lisa: I can't leave Springfield!
350% I was born here and I thought I would die here!
350%Homer: It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else.
350%-- On moving to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
351%We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and
351%too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.
351%-- Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
352%Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!
352%-- Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
353%Sure, what would you like? Four years? Five years.
353%-- Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, ``Dancin' Homer''
354%Ned: I don't know how to say this, but uh...
354%Homer: Oh, knock it off, Flanders; don't start blubbering on me.
354% I'll miss you too.... [aside] not.
354%-- Homer prepares to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
355%Lisa: I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other
355% better, my leaving would actually have meant something.
355%Friends: Yeah.
355%-- Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, ``Dancin' Homer''
356%Kids, look! Street crime!
356%-- Homer drives the family through Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
357%Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings
357%of respect for me. It wouldn't last.
357%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
358%Goof: What exactly do you have planned for us?
358%Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city,
358% all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'.
358%Goof: Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend.
358%-- Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, ``Dancin' Homer''
359%Well, hello again, everybody. Dave Glass talking at ya.
359%We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome...
359%-- Calling the baseball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
360%Homer: [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of
360% concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.
360%Vendor: Red hots! Getcher red hots here!
360%Homer: Ooh, red hots!
360%-- ``Dancin' Homer''
361%Oh, what a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I
361%realized how little that helped...
361%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
362%Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts,
362%the wrestling match of the century!
362%-- Announcer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
363%Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian!
363%Lewis: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian?
363%Lisa: Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed
363% wrestling, perhaps forever.
363%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
364%Bart: [in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match] \\
364% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
364%Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously.
364% Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet!
364%Homer: [in Moe's tavern] \\
364% Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand,
364% the Professor's got his patented coma lock.
364% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
364%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Daredevil''
365%Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro.
365%That's to be disorienting...
365%-- Announcer for wrestling match, ``Bart the Daredevil''
366%If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail...
366%And if you're in jail, break out!
366%-- Announcer for ``Truck-o-Saurus'', ``Bart the Daredevil''
367%Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and
367% I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday.
367%Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something?
367%Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing. No, I don't think so.
367%-- at the dinner table, ``Bart the Daredevil''
368%I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday,
368%I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
368%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
369%Oh cruel Fate! Why do you mock me?
369%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
370%Skinner: Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
370%Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.
370%Marge: Mmmmm.
370%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
371%Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo] My son! My son!
371%Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not bad.
371%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
372%I reached him!
372%-- Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly,
372% ``Bart the Daredevil''
373%Let the destruction begin!
373%-- Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
374%The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger,
374%if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch!
374%-- Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
375%Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're
375%all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my
375%most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature and gravity by
375%leaping over this tank of water, filled with man-eating great white sharks,
375%deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and
375%perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion!
375%[a lion is added to the pool]
375%Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one
375%drop of human blood.
375%[pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously]
375%Now, in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so
375%buckle up!
375%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
376%This is cool.
376%-- Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
377%Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold,
377%when he's not in class, he's risking his ass,
377%the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!
377%-- Announcer in Bart's dream, ``Bart the Daredevil''
378%Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil.
378%Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.
378%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
379%Lewis: Oh no, he's hurt.
379%Richard: Bad.
379%Milhouse: Let's get out of here!
379%-- kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil''
380%Marge: Are you all right?
380%Bart: Better than all right. I got stitches! [lifts the bandage]
380%Homer+Lisa: Ewwwww.
380%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
381%Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by
381%imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage.
381%-- Dr. Hibbert, ``Bart the Daredevil''
382%Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.
382% This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a
382% recent TV wrestling match.
382% I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
382%Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
382%Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless
382% hours of top-notch entertainment.
382%Homer: Amen!
382%-- Dr. Hibbert shows Bart the injury ward, ``Bart the Daredevil''
383%Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly.
383%I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever
383%find it.
383%-- Otto, on Springfield Gorge, ``Bart the Daredevil''
384%Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
384%Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something?
384%Bart: What?
384%Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!
384%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
385%Otto: [humming into the bus microphone]
385%Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone?
385%Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only.
385%-- on the bus, ``Bart the Daredevil''
386%Murdoch: [tries to give a thumbs-up sign] Doc, I heard a snap.
386%Dr. Hibbert: Hm. I'm afraid the bone is broken. Well, that's all of them!
386%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
387%Now let me start by saying... Good for you son!
387%It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger.
387%Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy,
387%and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is:
387%Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America
387%has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!
387%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt,
387% ``Bart the Daredevil''
388%I'm sorry Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra
388%attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.
388%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
389%Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do.
389% He's as good as dead! [bawls]
389%Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.
389%Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!
389%-- Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
390%Homer: Bart? Bart?
390% What are you doing?
390%Bart: [halfway out the window] Uh, nothing.
390%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
391%Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you!
391%Bart: Maybe.
391%-- Bart and the 9th commandment? ``Bart the Daredevil''
392%Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect
392%you to keep!
392%-- Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
393%Why that little liar! I should have...
393%And I was going to play pickle with him.
393%-- Homer, finding Bart's room empty, ``Bart the Daredevil''
394%I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even
394%tried reasoning with you.
394%-- Homer to Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
395%You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right...
395%-- Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
396%You think you've got guts. Try raising my kids.
396%-- Homer to Murdoch, ``Bart the Daredevil''
397%> Voice credits
397%>> Starring
397% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Lance Murdoch)
397% Julie Kavner (Marge)
397% Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Rod, Nelson)
397% Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
397% \: and
397% Harry Shearer (Announcer, Ned Flanders, Skinner, Insurance adjuster?,
397% Dr. Hibbert, Otto)
397%>> Also Starring
397% Hank Azaria (Moe)
397% Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
397% Maggie Roswell (Lewis, Tour guide)
398%> Didja notice...
399% ... Lisa is reading a book through the entire wrestling match?
399% ... the wresling match was sponsored by Duff Beer?
399% ... the wrestling match arena was empty in real life, yet we saw
399% a packed auditorium on TV?
399% ... when Homer rushes home from Moe's, the oil spot is back in the
399% driveway?
399% ... the unidentifiable food glop they were eating? (What it?)
399% ... the poor guy stuck behind Marge's hairdo at the recital?
399% ... when Homer stands and applauds Lisa's solo, Maggie sort of claps,
399% too? @{ajr}
399% (And when Homer points at his watch, who does he think he's showing
399% it to? Lisa? Mr. Largo?)
399% ... nobody (except Maggie) was wearing seat belts when Truck-o-Saurus
399% grabbed the car? (Especially with respect to Captain Lance Murdock's
399% exhortation, ``Seat belts save lives, so buckle up!'')
399% ... at the arena, the slogan on the beer mug was ``I survived
399% Truck-o-Saurus''? (Truth in advertising strikes again.)
399% ... the sign outside the Emergency Ward: `Cash Only'?
399% ... Marge start to realize that TV violence can be a problem?
399% ... Maggie is spooning her dinner onto the floor when Homer
399% tells Bart not to jump Springfield Gorge?
399% ... when Homer falls down the gorge the second time, Wendell
399% covers his mouth?
400% | Chris Baird@{cjb}:
401% ... when the kids are watching the wrestling, Maggie's walking trainer is
401% in a corner?
401% ... Homer drives home directly from Moe's Tavern? (So much for the
401% designated driver...)
401% ... when Dr. Hibbert is showing the family around the children's
401% ward, there looks to be an in one of the beds (or maybe
401% just a kid with a very large nose)? Hibbert was pointing at it
401% when he said 'the tragic always is'.
401% ... when Lisa mentions to Lance Murdoch that Bart intends jumping over the
401% Gorge on his skateboard, watch his eyes bulge...
401% ... someone with `Lisa-hair' is in the audience when Bart shows off before
401% he climbs the ramp? (A reasonable guess would be to say that it
401% was Lisa, since she's the only one I've [cjb] seen with that type of
401% hair-style.)
401% [There is at least one other girl in Springfield with Lisa-hair.
401% See [8f12]. --rjc]
402% | Dave Hall@{dh}:
403% ... when Homer is driving `defensively' down the highway, he cuts off a cab
403% with Bleeding-Gums Murphy?
403% ... Otto appears to be wearing a pearl(?) bracelet on his right hand,
403% and socks with lace trim?
404%> Movie (and other) References
405% . Jaws
405% - the way the lion leaps out to attack Captain Lance Murdoch.
406%> Freeze Frame Fun
407%>> The billboard in front of the Springfield Speedway
407% | Tonight!
407% | Monster Truck Rally
407% | featuring
407% | TRUCKASAURUS
407% | [unclear]
407% | Sunday: Bear Baiting
408%> Animation and continuity goofs
409%At the gorge, Nelson (the bully) says, ``Where is he? I thought he said
409%noon!'' but notice that Milhouse's mouth also moves to the words.
410%(And, as a plot discontinuity, Bart never said he was going to jump at noon.
410%He said, ``May I have your attention, please? This Saturday, I will be
410%jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. There is a good possibility
410%I will plunge to my bloody death. Hope to see you there! Thank you.'')
411%As Homer and Bart walk to the house after coming home from Truck-o-Sarus,
411%as they walk from the driveway, they are shaded on their backs, as though
411%the light is coming from the left. When they turn to go inside, walking away
411%from the viewer, the shading remains on their backs.
412%But this isn't an animation error. There are two light sources in the
412%scene. The first is the streetlamps, which provides the first shadow.
412%The second is the lights from the house, which provides the second shadow.
413%> Comments and other observations
414%>> Bart's T-shirt
415%Tim P. McNerney @{tpm} observes that Bart's
415%skull-and-crossbones T-shirt he wears for the jump across the gorge
415%has a skull with ``Bart-spikes''.
416%But Jym Dyer @{jd} recalls that the
416%X-rays in ``Bart Gets Hit By A Car'' shows a
416%normal skull. (Normal for cartoon characters, that is.) Bart's spiked skull
416%is clearly a matter of artistic license on his part.
417%>> The concert
418%>>> General notes
419%Schubert's Unfinished Symphony and Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture are a
419%bit too highbrow (and difficult!)\ for a bunch of eight-year-olds.
420%Mr. Largo counts, ``five, six, seven, eight'' before giving the
420%downbeat. Unfortunately, the Unfinished Symphony begins in 12/8 time.
420%(So he really should have counted either, ``7 8 9 10 11 12'' or just
420%``3 4''.) And, of course, the tempo he sets is nothing like the tempo
420%the orchestra plays. (And, the symphony doesn't even begin that way.
420%Mr. Largo skipped the introductory bars.)
421%There is no saxophone part in the Unfinished Symphony, a fortiori, no
421%saxophone solo.
422%The playing itself was down to school standards. Despite Mr. Largo's
422%exhortation of ``Remember children, stay together,'' they fall out of
422%step at the moment the first note is played. And the conclusion of
422%the 1812 Overture was the embodiment of school concerts. Everybody
422%had long since fallen out of step with everybody else, and moved on to
422%bigger and better things like playing the wrong note.
423%When Homer says, ``How much longer was Sherbert planning on making
423%this junk!'', the symphony comes to an end, and all applaud.
423%Unfortunately, what was played was only the end of the first movement.
423%The piece was only halfway finished---to the extent that `halfway
423%finished' applies to an unfinished symphony.
423%Perfectly in keeping with
423%what always happens at school concerts. (Parents applaud during
423%any break in the action.)
424%And as the Symphony started, you could hear Maggie sucking away.
425%Principal Skinner announced that it was the first in a series of Saturday
425%Evening Concerts. This is way beyond the abilities of a student orchestra.
425%It typically takes grammar school orchestras 10 to 14 weeks to prepare for
425%a single concert. (Unless they intend to have other performing groups
425%fill in, like Bart's fourth-grade dance demonstration.)
426%The only thing missing that I could think of was flashbulbs going off
426%intermittently as eager parents take pictures of their kids, unaware that
426%the flashes are immensely distracting. (And useless beyond 15 feet.)
427%>>> Lisa's solo
428%Brian Heil @{bh3} makes
428%another interesting note about the concert and Lisa's sax solo: ``I haven't
428%paid close enough attention in the past to say if Lisa is lefthanded, but I
428%assume she is, seeing the way she held the saxophone. Of course lefthanded
428%sax players hold it the same way as righthanded players... in fact it is nearly
428%impossible to play a sax as it was pictured!''
429%>>> Todd's solo
430%Theron Stanford @{tws} identifies Todd's solo as `My Heart at Thy Sweet Voice'
430%from the opera ``Samson and Delilah'' by Camille Saint-Sa\"ens.
431%Alan J Rosenthal @{ajr} notes that Todd's bowing was very odd. When he held
431%a note, he stopped the bow movement. Of course, this would stop the sound.
432%>> Butchered in America
433%Scenes were removed from the original US airing to make room for the ``Do
433%the Bart Man'' video on first airing, then again for a Gulf War Update
433%when the episode repeated. Canadians received a full episode.
434%One cut scene involved the introduction of a female truck driver at the
434%monster truck rally. Note Lisa, ``Another barrier broken.''
435%> Boring distribution restrictions
436%Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1993 by Raymond Chen.
436%Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
436%(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
436%and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
436%I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)
437%Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion]
437%Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
437%Bart: She took my glue!
437%Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue!
437%Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take
437% your glue away and then will have any glue to glue with.
437%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
438%Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality.
438% He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
438%Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it.
438%Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here.
438%Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.
438%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
439%Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose.
439%Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak.
439%Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his
439% own medicine. Ha ha.
439%Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill.
439%Announcer 1: Ha ha. Wait, what did... Did what I say make sense?
439%Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill.
439%Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt.
439%Announcer 2: What are you taling about, Bill?
439%-- Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
440%Son, this is a tradition. If they start building a balloon for every
440%flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a FARCE.
440%-- Homer watches the Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart,
440% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
440% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
441%It's broken, Mom. ... Mom, it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en,
441%Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en....
441%-- Bart `helps out' in the kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
442%See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys, Daddy's
442%favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half
442%points. Understand?
442%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
443%Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.
443%-- Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
444%Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the
444% well-groomed go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!'
444%Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude!
444%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you
444% to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth,
444% the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!
444%-- Football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
445%Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh,
445%happy news. The following people have relatives who wished they could
445%be here today...
445%-- At the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
446%I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing...
446%You never do anything right.
446%-- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
447%Thank you! You're super! Be good to each other!
447%-- `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show,
447% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
448%In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything'
448%leaves the field! Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures
448%to work, but nobody seems to care!
448%-- Announcer for the halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
449%Holy moley! That's the biggest... one of those things I ever saw!
449%-- Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece,
449% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
450%And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
450%safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
450%Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
450%love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what
450%happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the
450%universe or what!
450%-- Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
451%I saw the best meals of my generation
451%destroyed by the madness of my brother.
451%My soul carved in slices
451%by spikey-haired demons.
451%-- `Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
452%Cool! The wrong side of the tracks!
452%-- Bart crosses the railroad tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
453%Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!
453%-- Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
454%Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID.
454%Bart: Here ya go, doll-face.
454%Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax.
454%Bart: Ow!
454%-- Bart gives blood to make some money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
455%At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing:
455%I'm sorry I came.
455%-- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
456%Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything.
456% It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
456%Homer: [sycophantically] Yes, Dad.
456%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
457%Twelve bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out]
457%-- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
458%All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!
458%-- Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks,
458% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
459%Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers,
459% scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter,
459% or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way
459% place. Oh, we have our reasons. They're depressing, they wear
459% ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``crazy'',
459% they smell bad.
459%Guy: Hey, listen, man.
459%Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.
459%-- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen,
459% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
460%Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written.
460%Grampa: Sounds interesting.
460%Homer: Oh, okay.
460%Lisa: Ahem. `Howl of the Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson. Ahem.
460% `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television]
460%Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart!
460%-- Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
461%Kent: And how long have you been on the streets?
461%Bart: Going on five years, Kent.
461%Kent: Ah. Son, your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like
461% to say to them?
461%Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha ha! I didn't apologize!
461%-- Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
462%Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
462%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
463%If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and
463%collect my insurance!
463%-- Grampa rushes back to the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
464%Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't
464% blame ourselves.
464%Homer: We can and will!
464%Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.
464%-- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
465%Marge: Now we can blame him for everything!
465%Homer: It's your fault I'm bald!
465%Bart: [meekly] I'm sorry.
465%Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!
465%Bart: I'm sorry!
465%Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk!
465%Bart: I'm sorry!
465%Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way!
465%Bart: I'm sorry!
465%All: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!
465%-- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
466%Whoa! My whiffle balls! My frisbees! My wire rackets!
466%I've hit the jackpot!
466%-- Bart climbs to the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
467%Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because
467%I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already
467%that I don't... know... [sobs]
467%-- Lisa writes in her diary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
468%Lisa: Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried!
468%Bart: Really? Did they cry?
468%Lisa: Yes.
468%Bart: Whoa! Bulls-eye!
468%-- Lisa joins Bart on the roof after his brief career as a runaway,
468% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
469%I don't know! I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I enjoyed it!
469%And I don't know why I'll do it again!
469%-- Bart doesn't apologize to Lisa, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
470%You know, Marge? We're great parents!
470%-- Homer watches Bart apologize to Lisa on the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
471%Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family
471% one more crack at togetherness.
471%All: Amen.
471%-- Homer says grace at the second Thanksgiving dinner,
471% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
472%One o'clock. Still just a potato.
472%-- Bart's science project, ``Dead Putting Society''
473%There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all.
473%Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, `elfgrass'.
473%-- Homer defending crabgrass against Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
474%Homer: Marge, Where's the Duff!?!
474%Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
474%Homer: D'oh!
474%Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
474%Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!!
474%-- Homer needs refreshment while mowing the lawn, ``Dead Putting Society''
475%Ned: Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland.
475%Homer: Well, buggers can't be choosy.
475%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
476%Homer: All right, knock it off!
476%Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
476%Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!
476% Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from
476% away, than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's
476% ...
476%Ned: [gasp!]
476%Homed: ... is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
476%Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I hope you
476% understand.
476%Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [finishes his beer, then leaves]
476% [returns] One for the road. [takes a club sandwich and leaves]
476%-- a friendly visit to the Flanders rumpus room, ``Dead Putting Society''
477%Homer: Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff...
477%Marge: What exactly did he say?
477%Homer: Get this. He said, uh, he said...
477% Well, it wasn't so much what he said; it was how he said it.
477%Marge: Well, how did he say it?
477%Homer: Well, he...
477%Marge: Was he angry?
477%Homer: No.
477%Marge: Was he rude?
477%Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it, either.
477%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Dead Putting Society''
478%I drag him over here, have a few beers... You can't blame him for erupting.
478%-- Ned Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
479%Mrs. Lovejoy: Honey, wake up. Honey, it sounds like Ned Flanders is
479% having some sort of crisis.
479%Rev. Lovejoy: Oh. Probably stepped on a worm...
479%-- Flanders calls in the middle of the night, ``Dead Putting Society''
480%Ned: I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19.
480%Rev.L: Huh?
480%Ned: Love thy neighbor.
480%Rev.L: Oh, Matthew nineteen, yeah, right, right.
480%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
481%Homer: [reading Ned's letter] ``You are my brother.''
481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [giggle]
481%Homer: ``I love you.''
481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [laugh]
481%Homer: ``And yet, I feel a great sadness...'' [tries to stifle a giggle]
481% ``... in my bosom.''
481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [finally lose it and laugh uproariously]
481%-- Reading Ned's letter of apology, ``Dead Putting Society''
482%Read the `bosom' part again, Dad!
482%-- Lisa, ``Dead Putting Society''
483%Bosom.
483%-- Bart, ``Dead Putting Society''
484%Mm. I going to wash my hair...
484%-- Marge, after Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing,
484% ``Dead Putting Society''
485%Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair.
485% If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor.
485%Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
485%-- Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, ``Dead Putting Society''
486%Play it where it lays, Homer.
486%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
487%Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit.
487%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
488%Todd: Hi Bart!
488%Bart: Get bent.
488%-- friendly greetings at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
489%Ned: Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there.
489%Homer: That shot's impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
489%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
490%Bart: Final score. Bart, forty-one. Homer... let's see...
490% six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus...
490%Homer: Never mind!
490%-- leaving the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
491%Todd: Wow! First prize fifty dollars!
491%Bart: Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters!
491%-- A matter of perspective, ``Dead Putting Society''
492%Ned: So, my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament?
492%Homer: Yeah, he's entering.
492% And what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy?
492%Bart: I guess it's possible...
492%Ned: Hey hey, I like that confidence.
492%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
493%Oh yeah? Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins
493%any day of the week! C'mon boy!
493%-- Homer tells off Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
494%Bart: But Dad! I've never won anything in my life!
494%Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is
494% okay to lose!
494%-- The ghost of Vince Lombardi? ``Dead Putting Society''
495%Keep your head down, follow through. [Bart putts and misses]
495%Okay, that didn't work. This time, move your head and don't follow through.
495%-- Homer giving putting advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
496%Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a baseball bat is
496% to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that...
496% the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.
496%Bart: What?
496%Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
496%Bart: Mister Putter.
496%Homer: D'oh.. You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's
496% name.
496%Bart: Mom.
496%Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!
496%Bart: Why?
496%Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy,
496% Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes
496% staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how
496% glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
496%Bart: Who's Charlene?
496%Homer: [raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it]
496% I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!
496%Bart: Grrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! [loses enthusiasm]
496%-- a pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
497%Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
497%Homer: And?
497%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
498%Marge: I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little
498% kiddie golf tournament.
498%Homer: But Marge, but this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. [sic]
498%Marge: Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
498%Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by
498% making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel
498% good about themselves!
498%-- Marge concerned over Homer's tactics, ``Dead Putting Society''
499%Bart: Hey Lis, whaddya call those guys in chess that don't matter.
499%Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're
499% referring to a pawn.
499%Bart: Right. I am a pawn.
499%Lisa: Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little
499% to no interest in almost everything I do.
499% Bart, I think I can help you.
499%-- Lisa offers some sisterly advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
500%Golf... `Anecdotes'... `Eisenhower and'... `fishing'... `humor'...
500%`Japanese obsession with'... Ah, here it is... `Putting'.
500%-- Lisa, looking through card catalog under `Golf', ``Dead Putting Society''
501%Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
501%Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
501%Bart: Oh... heh, heh... gotcha! [wink]
501%-- in the library, ``Dead Putting Society''
502%Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
502%Bart: Okay.
502%Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
502%Bart: You got it.
502%Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
502%Bart: Done.
502%Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm saying!
502%Bart: True.
502%Lisa: Well, it's very annoying!
502%Bart: I'll bet.
502%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
503%Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
503%Bart: Piece of cake. [claps with one hand]
503%Lisa: No, Bart, it's a 3000-year-old riddle with no anwer.
503% It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
503%Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up! [claps with one hand]
503%-- Solving unsolved problems, ``Dead Putting Society''
504%Lisa: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound?
504%Bart: Absolutely! [makes the sound of a tree falling]
504%Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it.
504%Bart: Wooooooo...
504%Lisa: [hands Bart his putter] It is time.
504%-- Bart finally gets it, ``Dead Putting Society''
505%Lisa: The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have
505% to do is hit the ball... here.
505% [Tap] [Clunk-clunk] [Clunk-clunk] [Duh-dunk]
505%Bart: I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry!
505%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
506%Ned: May the best man win.
506%Homer: ``May the best man win.'' The mating call of the loser!
506%-- From one who should know, ``Dead Putting Society''
507%Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.
507%-- Ned Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
508%Homer: Keep your left arm straight, Bart! Rotate your shoulders!
508%Lisa+Bart: Daaaad!
508%Homer: Look son, all I'm asking is that you try.
508%Bart: Ok, I'll try.
508%Homer: D'oh! Anybody can try! I want you to !
508%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
509%Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke.
509%-- Homer reads the morning paper, ``Dead Putting Society''
510%Lisa: Eighth hole.
510%Bart: Aim for the octopus, third tentacle.
510%Lisa: Twelfth hole.
510%Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
510%Lisa: Nirvanha.
510%Bart: A state of bliss obtained through the extinction of the self.
510%-- pre-game drills, ``Dead Putting Society''
511%Lisa: Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she
511% wins the Kentucky Derby.
511%Homer: Newsflash, Lisa, Bart is not a horse!
511%-- the breakfast table the day of the contest, ``Dead Putting Society''
512%Hello everybody, and welcome to the finale of what has already been
512%a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. The cream has risen. The
512%wheat has bid farewell to the chaff. And now, we approach the
512%championship match where but two warriors remain: The heretofore
512%unknown Bart Simpson and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled
512%ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade.
512%-- K.B.B.L. announcer, ``Dead Putting Society''
513%Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself,
513% I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. Here goes.
513% I believe in you.
513%Bart: Thanks, man.
513%-- pre-game pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
514%Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and
514%we can't win.
514%-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society''
515%Homer: This time tomorrow, you'll be wearing high heels!
515%Ned: Nope, will.
515%Homer: 'Fraid not.
515%Ned: 'Fraid so!
515%Homer: 'Fraid not.
515%Ned: 'Fraid so!
515%Homer: 'Fraid not infinity!
515%Ned: 'Fraid so infinity plus one!
515%Homer: D'oh!
515%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
516%If one looks up courage in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very
516%well come upon a photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final
516%hole in the shadow of the Great Emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes
516%on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant; he will
516%drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in
516%this oft cruel game.
516%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
517%Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said:
517% If you lose you're out of the family!
517%Marge: Homer! [slap]
517%Homer: Ow.
517%-- words of encouragement during the golf match, ``Dead Putting Society''
518%Bart: This is pretty tense, isn't it, Todd.
518%Todd: Yeah, my knees are shaking, I got butterflies in my stomach...
518% But I guess this builds character.
518%Bart: Who wants to build character? Let's quit!
518%Todd: Okay.
518%-- ``Dead Putting Society''
519%This is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since
519%Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.
519%-- Tearful announcer, ``Dead Putting Society''
520%Mm. My best dress...
520%-- Marge watches Homer mow the lawn in her Sunday dress,
520% ``Dead Putting Society''
521%Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
521%-- Lisa watching Homer mow the lawn in Marge's dress, ``Dead Putting Society''
522%Marge: [making pork chops]
522% A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram...
522%Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
522%Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.
522% [continues her work]
522% A sprinkle of chervil, a teaspoon of tumeric, and a whisper of MSG.
522%-- How much care am I supposed to add? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
523%Homer: Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack.
523%Marge: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
523%Homer: It's no trouble! I got a whole of tools I never use!
523%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
524%Ah, here it is. The complete handyman's bookshelf. Volume 1: Spice racks.
524%-- Homer sets to work to build a spice rack, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
525%Bart: Hey Dad, can you move your head?
525%Homer: No, I can't. It's broken...
525%-- Is it in a cast? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
526%Maggie: [picks up a pencil] [wacko `Psycho' music plays]
526%Homer: Aaaaaaaaagh!
526%Marge: [picks up Maggie] No, Maggie, bad baby!
526%Homer: Keep her away from me, Marge!
526% She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!
526%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
527%Marge: You won't be watching these cartoons any more. Ever.
527%Lisa: But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense
527% of humor and be robots.
527%Bart: Really? What kind of robots?
527%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
528%You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ...
528%I told you! My baby beat me up! ...
528%No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ...
528%[sotto voce] Wise guy.
528%-- Homer phones in sick after, well, you know, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
529%Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
529%Homer: [laughs]
529%Marge: Mm...
529%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
530%Dear purveyors of senseless violence:
530%I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you
530%show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way.
530%Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine
530%programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
530%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
531%Myers: Take a letter, Miss White.
531% Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy
531% and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of
531% America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection.
531% In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research
531% shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big
531% a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
531%Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on?
531% I'll show them what one screwball can do!
531%-- A letter from the CEO, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
532%Marge: [through a megaphone]
532% How many of you were hit on the heads with mallets last week?
532% [crowd murmurs]
532% [man with head bandaged raises his hand]
532% [another man with head bandaged raises his hand]
532% [and a whole bunch more]
532%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
533%Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler!
533%Lisa: There's peas !
533%-- The infamous TV dinners, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
534%D'oh! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
534%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
535%Krusty: Hi Kids! [laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel!
535%Mel: [slide whistle three times]
535%Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
535%Kids: [really, parents] Boo!
535%Krusty: Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will
535% have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment, again.
535%-- Krusty faces Kancellation, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
536%Marge: What do we want?
536%Crowd: Less and less violence in children's programming!
536%Marge: When do we want it?
536%Crowd: Now!
536%-- We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more,
536% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
537%Meyers: That screwball Marge Simpson, we've got to stop her. But how?
537%Man #1: Drop an anvil on her?
537%Man #2: Hit her on the head with a piano.
537%Woman: Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
537%Meyers: All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do?
537% You make me sick!
537%All: [agree meekly]
537%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
538%You know, some of these stories are pretty good.
538%I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
538%-- Homer watches Itchy and Scratchy, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
539%Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of `Smartline'.
539%Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, ``No, of
539%course not, what kind of stupid question is that?''
539%-- The value of objectivity in reporting, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
540%Joining us live, via satellite from Vienna, home of Sigmund Freud, the
540%world's greatest psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind,
540%Dr. Marvin Monroe.
540%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
540% [Does that make Freud or Monroe the world's greatest psychologist?]
541%Meyers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing...
541% There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
541%Kent: I see. Fascinating.
541%Meyers: Yeah, and know something, Karl? The Crusades, for instance.
541% Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went
541% on for thirty years.
541%Kent: And this was before cartoons were invented?
541%Meyers: That's right, Kent.
541%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
542%Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales
542%in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into
542%every day. I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning,
542%sexaholism, stuff like that.
542%-- Dr. Marvin Monroe on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
543%Kent: For another opinion...
543%Krusty: [laughs] Hi, kids! [laughs]
543%Kent: Krusty, please. We're giving you the opportunity to participate in
543% a serious discussion, here.
543%Krusty: Oh, I'm sorry Kent. Just that when the camera gets on me, I just...
543% Hey! [throws a custard pie in his own face] [honks horn]
543%Kent: Krusty!
543%Krusty: [honks horn] [cowers]
543%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
544%Meyers: [explaining on the phone]
544% Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and...
544%Animator: Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
544%Meyers: [to animator] Okay, a pie!
544% [to Marge] Anyway, Scratchy is understandable upset.
544%Marge: Uh huh.
544%Meyers: So we figured he could just, you know, grab Itchy and toss him into
544% a bucket of acid.
544%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
545%Marge: Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?
545% Then they would have pie!
545%Meyers: [walks to storyboard, considers, steps back]
545% It's different, I'll give you that...
545%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
546%Announcer: It's a tool that every home handyman needs!
546% It's a jigsaw! It's a power drill! It's a wood-turning lathe!
546% It's an asphalt spreader! It's 67 tools in one!
546% How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
546%Homer: One thousand dollars!
546%Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet...
546%Homer: Oh, sorry.
546%Announcer: Because you also get...
546%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
547%They love! They share!
547%They share and love and share!
547%Love, love, love!
547%Share, share, share!
547%The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
547%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
548%Lisa: Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge...
548%Marge: Well, I think it conveys a very nice message about sharing.
548%Bart: I think it sucks.
548%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
549%Marge: Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
549%Bart: Naah. Come on, Li.
549%Lisa: Maybe there's something else to do on this planet...
549%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
550%Krusty: Hi, kids! [laughs]
550% [sees empty studio]
550% Huh? Is it Saturday?
550%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
551%Artist: This will be the art even of the century. The greatest
551% masterpiece of the Italian renaissance, Michelangelo's David,
551% on a coast-to-coast tour of United States.
551%Reporter: Uh, sir, which cities will be included on your itinerary?
551%Artist: Eh, New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago,
551% Boston, Los Angeles.
551%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
552%Helen: You've got to lead our protest against this abomination!
552% [shows newspaper article]
552%Marge: Mm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
552%Helen: [gasp] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body,
552% which, practical as they may be, are evil.
552%Marge: But I like that statue.
552%Helen: [gasp] I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity!
552% Come on, girls...
552%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
553%Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down?
553%That's our topic tonight on Smartline...
553%-- Kent Brockman, on the coming of Michelangelo's David to Springfield,
553% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
554%Kent: Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko?
554%Marge: Mm... Yes and no.
554%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
555%I guess one person make a difference, but most of the time,
555%they probably shouldn't.
555%-- Marge, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
556%I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight.
556%Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, ``Religion: Which is the one true
556%faith?''
556%-- Kent Brockman on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
557%Well, there he is. Michelangelo's `Dave'.
557%-- Homer admires Renaissance art, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
558%Homer: Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School
558% is going to come and see this thing.
558%Marge: Really? Why?
558%Homer: They're forcing 'em! [laughs]
558%-- On Michelangelo's `David', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
559%Smithers: I think the boy is hurt.
559%Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.
559%-- after... ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
560%Hey, cool, I'm dead.
560%-- Bart realizes he's dead, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
561%Please hold onto the handrail. Do not spit over the side.
561%[and repeated in Spanish]
561%-- Heavenly voice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
562%I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
562%-- Bart introduces himself to Satan, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
563%According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees
563%wins the pennant. That's nearly a century from now.
563%-- The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
564%Boy is my face red.
564%-- Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet,
564% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
565%Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
565%Satan: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
565%Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.
565%-- Bart leaves Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
566%Satan: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
566%Bart: Yes, sir!
566%-- Some parting advice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
567%Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.
567% Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
567%Homer: Ooh, classy.
567%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
568%Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe,
568% nothing serious.
568%Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots!
568%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
569%Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
569%Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?
569%-- Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
570%Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
570%-- Chasing a gurney down the corridor, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
571%Marge: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
571%Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first.
571%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
572%Homer: If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office
572% right now and...
572%Smithers: Simpson!
572%Homer: Aah!
572%Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
572%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
573%Ah, Simpson. At last we meet.
573%-- Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident,
573% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
574%Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!
574%Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw out.
574%-- Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent,
574% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
575%The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.
575%-- Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
576%Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah].
576%-- Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees,
576% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
577%Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement.
577%But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
577%-- Lionel Hutz, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
578%You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson.
578%You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace,
578%a $99 value, as our gift to you.
578%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
579%Just look at the X-rays! You see that dark spot there? Whiplash.
579%And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma!
579%-- `Doctor' Nick Riviera, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
580%With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's
580%not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera].
580%-- Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
581%Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma
581% in the facial area?
581%Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head] Just say when!
581%-- Bart is in the care of trained professionals, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
582%I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
582%-- In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
583%Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court
583% in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
583%Burns: You wouldn't dare!
583%Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.
583%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
584%Judge: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between
584% telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son?
584%Bart: Maybe.
584%Judge: Uh huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
584%Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No!
584%Bart: No.
584%-- Bart takes the witness stand, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
585%Defenseless child at three o'clock.
585%-- Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
586%Marge and Lisa: Mmm...
586%-- Reactings to Bart's ``Believable testimony'', ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
587%Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining.
587%I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys...
587%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
588%NOOOOOOOO!! TAKE ME!! I'M OLD!!
588%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
589%Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary
589%publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off
589%with a banana or two!
589%-- Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
590%Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth.
590%Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals.
590%Burn: Oh, I don't like everything about them. Just their heads.
590%-- Invited to the Burns mansion, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
591%Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
591%Burns: Yes.
591%-- A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
592%Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide,
592%twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds.
592%-- Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
593%Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing
593% but the truth, so help you God?
593%Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
593%Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
593%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
594%Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite
594% as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
594% [draws a giant zero]
594%Hutz: I think we should take it.
594%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
595%Homer: [thinks] A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
595%Marge: Homer? Would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
595%Homer: [thinks] Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous
595% snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you.
595%Marge: Some string beans?
595%Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing
595% back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you.
595%Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
595%Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you.
595%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
596%Moe: Oh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're
596% born to the day they die, they they're happy, but trust me.
596% They ain't.
596%Homer: [thinks] Moe. Wish he'd shut up.
596%-- Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case,
596% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
597%Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
597%-- Marge, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
598%Homer: [thinks to himself] She's been your wife for ten years, you've had
598% three children together, it's time to be honest with her.
598% [out loud] I'm not sure I love you any more.
598%Marge: Gasp!
598%Homer: But, don't worry. Uh, I'll never let on. I'll still do all the
598% bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.
598%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
599%All right, all right. Look at her if it'll shut her up.
599%Start with the feet. Still angry. Good! Good, Homer, good!
599%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
600%Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for will never die.
600%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
601%Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher.
601%One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing.
601%-- Moe, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
602%Homer: Is it done yet? Is it done yet?
602%Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
602%Homer: D'oh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?
602%-- Homer watches dinner cook, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
603%Four... three... two... one... Bing! We have meatloaf!
603%-- Homer watches dinner cook in the microwave,
603% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
604%I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa!
604%-- Homer serves dinner, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
605%Hm. Thursday. Meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
605%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
606%Homer: What are you getting at?
606%Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new
606% things, live life to the...
606%Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!
606%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
607%Marge: Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner.
607%Homer: Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed
607% pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87!
607%-- Marge suggests a change of pace, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
608%Hm. Friday night. Pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched
608%in stone and God's library somewhere in heaven...
608%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
609%Homer: Okay, okay, where do want to go?
609%Lisa: Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken!
609%Homer: Fine! We'll go to Mars!
609%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
610%Marge: Mm, there's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street...
610%Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on
610% the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
610%Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point
610% entirely.
610%-- Marge suggests the family go to a Japanese restaurant,
610% `One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
611%Marge: Please, Homer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar]
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
611%Homer: If I said `no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to
611% say `yes' the second time?
611%Lisa: Nothing, but you may say `yes' the ninety-ninth time.
611%Homer: Oh? Try me.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: No.
611%Lisa: Please, Dad.
611%Homer: Oh, okay, okay.
611%-- If at first you don't succeed, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
612%This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping
612%with drunken Japanese businessmen.
612%-- Restaurant hostess, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
613%Bart: Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel.
613%Akira: Very good.
613%Bart: Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths?
613%Akira: Not today.
613%-- At the Japanese restaurant, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
614%Come on, pal! Fugu me!
614%-- Homer snaps at Akira the waiter, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
615%Apprentice: But master, we need your skilled hands.
615%Master chef: My skilled hands are busy!
615%-- The master chef making the pretzel with Mrs. Krabappel,
615% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
616%Fan-fugu-tastic!
616%-- Homer eats some fugu, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
617%No need to panic. There is a map to the hospital on the back of menu.
617%-- Apprentice chef at the Japanese restaurant,
617% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
618%Dr. H: You have twenty-four hours to live.
618%Homer: Twenty-four hours!
618%Dr. H: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.
618%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
619%Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all
619%until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes.
619%-- Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu,
619% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
620%Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through
620% five stages. The first is denial.
620%Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge]
620%Dr. H: The second is anger.
620%Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H]
620%Dr. H: After that comes fear.
620%Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear? [cringes]
620%Dr. H: Bargaining.
620%Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
620%Dr. H: Finally, acceptance.
620%Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
620%Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
620%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
621%Homer: Marge! Why did you let me sleep so late?
621%Marge: You looked so peaceful lying there.
621%Homer: There'll be plenty of time for that!
621%-- Homer oversleeps to begin his final day on this earth,
621% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
622%I want to share something with you:
622%The three little sentences that will get you through life.
622% Number 1: [whispers] Cover for me.
622% Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
622% Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
622%-- Homer tells Bart the secret, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
623%Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares,
623%and stick one there... and there... and any place you're bleeding...
623%there... and there... Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on
623%your face.
623%-- Homer teaches Bart how to shave, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
624%Oh I want to be in that rumba
624%When the saints go over there!
624%-- Homer sings to Lisa's sax playing,
624% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
625%Ned: Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy.
625%Homer: Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it.
625%Ned: Heh heh, no sirree-bob!
625%-- Homer borrows Ned's camcorder, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
626%Homer: I'll even bring the thickest juciest T-bones you've ever seen.
626%Ned: Mm mm. Sounds terrif!
626%Homer: Heh, the joke's on him! I'll be dead by then!
626%-- Ned invites Homer over for a cookout,
626% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
627%Ahem. This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie! I'm
627%speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooooo! Hee hee hee, hope
627%that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown-up now, and unless
627%you've taped over this, you're probably wondering what sort of man
627%your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who
627%loved his children and... [phone rings] D'oh! [answers] Hello!
627%Yeah, he's here, who is this? [scratches his butt] ... Bart's friend
627%Millhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here!
627%-- Homer tries to make a tape for Maggie,
627% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
628%Homer: Dad, we've never been too close, have we.
628%Grampa: Not to my knowledge.
628%Homer: Never one went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.
628%Grampa: We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. Whatcher point?
628%-- Homer reconciles with his father,
628% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
629%Homer: [spots his harmonica-playing cell-mate]
629% That's sort of nice. What are you in for?
629%Man: Atmosphere.
629%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
630%Homer: [on the phone] You gotta help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
630%Barney: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
630% [waves across the street to Homer]
630% Hiya neighbor! I can see you!
630%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
631%Bart: Why are we all dressed up?
631%Marge: [staring out the window waiting for Homer]
631% Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner.
631%Lisa: Why are we using the good china?
631%Marge: Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china.
631%Bart: What's with the candles?
631%Marge: Sometimes it's fun to use candles.
631%Lisa: Why are we waiting for Dad?
631%Marge: Because we love your father and enjoy his company.
631%Bart: Why are we waiting for Dad?
631%-- Homer is late for the last dinner of his life,
631% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
632%Burns: [peering through binoculars]
632% Smithers! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
632% [staring at her red pumps]
632% That's it baby, work those ankles!
632%Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
632%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
633%Homer: Hey Burns! Eat! my! shorts!
633%Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?
633%Smithers: Why it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from sector 7-G.
633%Burns: Simpson, eh?
633%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
634%Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
634%Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
634%Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz?
634% Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! [realizes]
634% Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my
634% hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
634%-- Yet another phone prank, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
635%Moe, another last beer, please.
635%-- Homer, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
636%Moe: Please, not in public.
636%Man: You be dying!
636%Barney: Whoa! How European! [belch]
636%-- responses from the bar folk to Homer's good-bye kisses,
636% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
637%Marge: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called,
637% `To a Husband'.
637%Homer: Okay, okay.
637%Marge: (Ahem.) The blackened clouds are forming.
637%Homer: Oh, give me a break, Marge.
637%Marge: Soon the rain will fall.
637% My dear one is departing.
637% But first, please heed this call.
637% That always will I love you,
637% My one, my love, my all.
637%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
638%Goodbye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.
638%Goodbye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud.
638%Goodbye, Bart. ... I like your sheets.
638%-- Homer tucks in his children one last time,
638% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
639%Hi, I'm Larry King.
639%In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...
639%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
640%... lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
640%Well, that's it. Old Fred [?] is standing by, we'll get some coffee,
640%we'll get some matzo-ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs,
640%by the way, if you're betting on the NBA this year, I think they'll
640%win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but... [closing music]
640%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
641%I'm alive! From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!
641%-- Homer realizes he's not dead after all,
641% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
642%Homer: Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up, or it'll hurt
642% your eyes.
642%Bart: It will not.
642%Homer: [makes a fist] Yes, it will...
642%-- ``The Way We Was''
643%Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state,
643% McBane. And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of
643% three of his bodyguards, and drove a bus through his front door?
643%McBane: But, Captain, I have prroof dat he is head of an international
643% drrug cartel!
643%Captain: I don't want to hear it, McBane! You're outta here!
643%McBane: [pushes the Captain out his office window, who falls into the
643% fountain in the plaza] Dat makes two of us.
643%-- Here's a typically brainless scene, ``The Way We Was''
644%Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery!
644% [bangs on the TV and the picture gets worse]
644%Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
644%-- ``The Way We Was''
645%Cheap Chinese TV, what did I ever buy it for...
645%-- Homer tries to fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
646%Homer: [fiddling with the back of the set] Is that better?
646%Lisa+Bart: NOOOO!
646%Homer: How's this? [picture gets worse]
646%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
646%Homer: Okay, everybody remain calm.
646% [gives the TV a big whack; picture disappears]
646%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
646%-- ``The Way We Was''
647%Dear God, just give me one channel! [dramatic camera angle]
647%-- Homer can't fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
648%I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.
648%-- Bart suffers through Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
649%Lisa: How did Dad propose to you?
649%Marge: Oh, well... [ flashback ]
649%Doctor: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
649% I think we've found the reason why you've been
649% throwing up in the morning.
649% Congratulations.
649%Homer: Doh! [ end of flashback ]
649%Marge: Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story ...
649%-- ``The Way We Was''
650%Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
650%Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
650%-- ``The Way We Was''
651%Friend: Don't you think you deserve to earn just as
651% much as a man who does the same job?
651%Marge: Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.
651%-- ``The Way We Was''
652%Barney: [bell rings] Oh no, we're late for wood shop!
652%Homer: But... we're early for lunch! Let's go grab a burger.
652%Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you never gain a pound.
652%Homer: It's my metabomolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
652%-- Life as a high school senior, ``The Way We Was''
653%Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from
653% these male-imposed shackles! [lights a bra] [foom]
653%Friend: I didn't think it would burn so fast.
653%Marge: Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.
653%-- ``The Way We Was''
654%Barney: Hey, Estelle? Will you go to the prom with me?
654%Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould!
654%Barney: Oh, shot down again...
654%Homer: Hey, don't worry, Barney, it's a big school. There's got to be a
654% girl nobody wants to take the the prom.
654%-- ``The Way We Was''
655%Homer: So, uh, what are you in for?
655%Marge: I'm a political prisoner. Last time ever take a stand...
655%Homer: Well, I'm here for being me.
655% Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
655%Teacher: Simpson, be quiet!
655%Homer: I haven't seen you in school before.
655%Teacher: Okay, Simpson,
655%Homer: What?
655%Teacher: You just bought yourself
655% another day of detention.
655%Homer: Maybe we should get together sometime.
655%Teacher: Two days!
655%Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
655%Homer: I'm Homer
655%Teacher: Three days!
655%Homer: J.
655%Teacher: Four days!
655%Homer: Simpson.
655%Teacher: Five days!
655%Homer: It was worth it!
655%Teacher: Six days!
655% Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room!
655% [ return to present ]
655%Lisa: So it was love a first sight!
655%Bart: It was a jailhouse romance, man!
655%Homer: I reached Step One: She knew I existed.
655% The only problem was, she didn't care.
655%-- The beginning of a beeootiful friendship? ``The Way We Was''
656%Grampa: What's the matter, boy?
656%Homer: Nothing.
656%Grampa: You haven't said poo all night and usually I have to wrestle the
656% bucket [of `Shakespeare's Fried Chicken'] out of your greasy mitts.
656%Homer: Dad, I'm in love.
656%Grampa: Uh oh! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
656%Homer: But Dad, I don't drink ...
656%Grampa: Cut the crap!
656% [in a mocking voice] I just collect the cans, Daddy.
656% [in his normal voice] Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.
656% Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker?
656%Homer: Uh huh.
656%Grampa: A lot on the ball? [ie, intelligent?]
656%Homer: Yeah.
656%Grampa: Oh, Son, don't overreach!
656% Go for the DENTED car,
656% the DEAD-END end job,
656% the LESS ATTRACTIVE girl.
656% Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago.
656%Homer: Thanks, Pop.
656%-- Grampa's three words of advice, ``The Way We Was''
657%Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.
657%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
658%I just met this girl Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to like me.
658%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
659%The only advice I can give you is, uh,
659%try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend.
659%-- Guidance counselor dispenses advice, ``The Way We Was''
660%Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
660%Homer: Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT.
660%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Was We Was''
661%Heh, heh, Imagine me in a nuclear power plant. KaBOOM!
661%-- Homer thinks about life after graduation, ``The Way We Was''
662%Homer: My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something.
662%Mrs. B: Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
662%Homer: Debate, like, arguing?
662%Mrs. B: Yes.
662%Homer: I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT!
662% Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
662%-- Homer tries to share interests with Marge, ``The Way We Was''
663%Mrs. B: This year's topic is
663% `Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered
663% to 55 miles per hour.'
663%Homer: 55? That's ridiculous!
663% Sure, it'll save a few lives,
663% but millions will be late!
663%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
664%Homer: Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me?
664%Artie: Ignoramus?
664%Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!
664%Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
664%Homer: Not to me, there isn't!
664%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
665%Mrs.B: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
665%Homer: With pleasure. [turns around and moons the class]
665%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
666%Look, I'm not asking you to like me,
666%I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position
666%where I can touch your goodies,
666%I'm just asking you to be fair.
666%-- Homer smooth-talks Marge, ``The Way We Was''
667%Barney: Wanna go to the prom with me?
667%Girl: Good God, no!
667%Barney: Well-put.
667%-- Negative feedback, ``The Way We Was''
668%Bart: Great story. [bangs TV]
668% Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV]
668% [to TV] Damn you.
668%Homer: Bart! Pay attention,
668% you may be telling this to your son if something breaks.
668%-- ``The Way We Was'' [double entendre alert]
669%Ooh. [spots hairs in his brush] Lost a few.
669%Well, there are plenty more where that came from.
669%-- Teenage Homer isn't worried about male pattern baldness, ``The Way We Was''
670%Homer: Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents
670%Marge: Consonants.
670%Homer: consonants, with your beautiful mouth,
670% your beautiful breath pushing past
670% your beautiful teeth...
670%-- ``The Way We Was''
671%So will you go out with me? Please say `Oui'.
671%-- Homer to Marge after a French lesson, ``The Way We Was''
672%Homer: My tux is going to have the widest lapels, the most
672% ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw!
672%Marge: And maybe I'll wear my hair ... up.
672%-- Marge accepts Homer's invitation to the prom, ``The Way We Was''
673%Get off the edge of your seat.
673%They got married, had kids, and bought a cheap TV, okay?
673%-- Bart fails to enjoy Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
674%Artie: Would you go to the prom with me?
674%Marge: Oh,
674%Artie: I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.
674% Now the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974 ...
674%-- ``The Way We Was''
675%Mrs.B: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow.
675% A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
675%Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
675%Mrs.B: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
675%-- ``The Way We Was''
676%Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
676%Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out.
676% [Or maybe Patty and Selma. It's hard to tell.]
676%-- ``The Way We Was''
677%Homer: You said you'd go the prom with me.
677%Marge: I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then.
677%Homer: I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from
677% you completely, even though it meant skipping school
677% for three weeks and graduating this summer. I hope.
677%-- ``The Way We Was''
678%Wait a second. Is that a bong-g? [student points at his throat]
678%You have asthma? All right. Move along.
678%-- Mr. Dondelinger chaperones the prom, ``The Way We Was''
679%Hello, classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy,
679%you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you.
679%-- Artie Ziff's acceptance speech, ``The Way We Was''
680%Driver: Well, where to now, Romeo?
680%Homer: Inspiration point.
680%Driver: Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
680%-- Homer goes (alone) to Inspiration Point, ``The Way We Was''
681%Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it
681% if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands.
681% Not so much for myself,
681% but I am so respected,
681% it would damage the TOWN to hear it.
681% Good night.
681%Marge: Yeah, right.
681%-- ``The Way We Was''
682%You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life.
682%-- Mr. Bouvier, ``The Way We Was''
683%The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live.
683%I will now read them in no particular order.
683%-- Moses, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
684%I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!
684%-- Flanders is upset at the cable TV hook-up man,
684% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
685%So you've decided to steal cable.
685%Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
685%Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
685% which makes it okay.
685%-- Homer reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
685% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
686%It's funny 'cause it's true.
686%-- Homer laughs at a stand-up routine, [inside joke alert!]
686% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
687%I have an announcement to make: The Simpsons have cable!
687%-- Homer's important announcement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
688%Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before.
688% You really think we can afford it?
688%Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
688%-- The Simpsons have cable! ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
689%Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
689%Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less
689% and are repeated ad nauseum.
689%Hmm I don't know.
689%-- Marge reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
689% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
690%TV: Hear Me Roar, the Network for Women.
690% In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid
690% bill in half by making your own band-aids.
690%Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
690%TV: Now before we begin, you need five yards of sterilized cotton...
690%-- Something for everyone on cable, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
691%Homer: Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
691% You know, down there, it's a sport. ...
691%Bart: Ooh, this is where Jaws eats the boat. ...
691% Ooh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window. ...
691% Ho ho, this is where Wall Street gets arrested, ha ha. ...
691%TV: ``Mr Speaker, if I could call your attention to the
691% retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill,
691% I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and...''
691%Homer: They must think people will watch anything...
691%TV: ``Live, from New Orleans, this is the World Series of cock-fighting!
691% Oh, son-of-a-gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.'' ...
691% [time passes]
691% ``We could get there quicker if I borrowed Dad's car.''
691% ``I don't know, Davey...''
691%-- Watching cable all night, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
692%Rev. Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks
692% he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his
692% instant pizza-pie.
692%Homer: Ooh, pizza. [licks his lips]
692%-- Sunday sermon, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
693%Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell.
693%Kids: Ooh.
693%Bart: All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness.
693% we get to the good stuff.
693%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
694%Miss Allbright: Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms
694% your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll
694% be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact,
694% if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.
694%Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright.
694%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
694%Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
694%M.A.: No.
694%Bart: [raises his hand]
694%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
694%Bart: Are there pirates in hell?
694%M.A.: Yes. Thousands of them.
694%Bart: [rubs hands] Hoo hoo, baby!
694%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
695%Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
695%Bart: Hell.
695%Homer: Bart!
695%Bart: But that's what we learned about.
695% I sure as HELL can't tell you we learned about HELL
695% unless I say HELL, can't I?
695%Homer: Well, the lad has a point.
695%Bart: Hell, yes!
695%Marge: Bart!
695%Bart: [singing] Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, ...
695%Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
695%-- Coming home from church, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
696%Troy: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as
696% `Cry, Yuma' and `Here Comes the Coast Guard'! But today I'd like
696% to tell you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans
696% and straightens your teeth!
696%Homer: Oh, goodie! A program-length advertisement!
696%Woman: [methodically] Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused.
696% Did you say, cleans straightens?
696%Troy: There's no confusion, Tina. Just good science. Ladies and
696% gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
696%Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody!
696%Studio audience: Hi, Dr. Nick Riviera!
696%-- The `I Can't Believe They Invented It!' show,
696% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
697%Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh.
697% It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL!
697%Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out]
697%Marge: What's gotten into Lisa?
697%Bart: Beats the HELL out of me!
697%Homer: Bart!
697%-- Lisa's conscience speaks, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
698%Lisa: Mom, what are you doing?
698%Marge: What, what do you mean?
698%Lisa: Don't you remember the eighth commandment?
698%Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um,
698% graven images, something about covet...
698%Lisa: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!
698%-- Marge eats two grapes in the supermarket,
698% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
699%If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it
699%someplace else ... We've got it! On the Blockbuster Channel!
699%-- TV advertisement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
700%Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
700%Homer: [sotto voce] Oh, great...
700% [speaking up] All right, what makes you say that?
700%Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
700%Homer: Well, DUH.
700%Lisa: But everybody does it.
700% I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
700%Homer: Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning,
700% did you pay for it?
700%Lisa: No.
700%Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
700%Lisa: No, I didn't.
700%Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!
700%Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
700%Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
700%-- There, I've run rings around you logically,
700% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
701%It's Watson-Tatum 2. This time... it's for money!
701%-- `The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out',
701% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
702%How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness!
702%-- Homer on the wonders of cable TV, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
703%Len: Hey, big fight coming up.
703%Karl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round
703% updates on the radio?
703%Len: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the
703% still photos on the 11-o'clock news.
703%Karl: Not too shabby!
703%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
704%Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones in sector 7-G.
704%-- Smithers to Mr. Burns, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
705%Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir?
705%Burns: Permission granted.
705%Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy, ...
705%Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
705%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
706%I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds.
706%-- Apu excited about watching the upcoming fight,
706% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
707%Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family,
707% that would be stealing?
707%Rev.: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
707%Lisa: I see.
707%-- A clarification from Reverend Lovejoy,
707% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
708%TV: You're watching `Top Hat Entertainment'. Adult programming
708% all day, every day. (Except in Florida and Utah.)
708% Coming up next, `Stardust Mammaries'...
708%Bart: Aye, Carumba!
708%Homer: Bart!
708%Bart: Dad! [He didn't yell `Homer!']
708%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
709%Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for
709%mommies and daddies who love each other very much.
709%-- Homer catches Bart watching an adult cable channel,
709% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
710%Lisa: Hi, Dad.
710% I think stealing cable is wrong,
710% so I am choosing not to watch it
710% in the hopes that others will follow my example.
710% That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
710% Thank you for your time.
710%Homer: Hey, Lisa... `Racing From Belmont'? Horsies!
710%Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
710%-- Lisa takes the high ground, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
711%There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral.
711%Why can't she be more like ... well, not like Bart...
711%-- Homer muses on Lisa's moral posturing,
711% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
712%The cable stays! The foot has spoken!
712%-- Homer puts his foot down, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
713%Homer: Hey, how'd you get in here?
713%Man: Oh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way.
713%-- Homer finds a man in his living room,
713% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
714%Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere.
714%And I'm not talking about the small forgiveable stuff.
714%-- Homer installs bars on the windows,
714% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
715%Bart: Come one, come all! Top Hat Theater is on the air!
715% The most beautiful women in the world!
715% Just fifty cents!
715% I am your host, Bart Simpson!
715% (Must be at least eight years old to enter.)
715%TV: And now, the `Top Hat' channel is honored to present...
715% `Broadcast Nudes'.
715%Gang: Oooooohh...
715%Millhouse: Gross!
715%Martin: Yet strangely compelling...
715%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
716%Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
716%-- Bart is caught watching a cable porn channel, [Burger King alert!]
716% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
717%Here, I brought some imported generic beer.
717%-- Barney brings a gift, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
718%Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer. I brought an assortment of jerkys.
718%Homer: Oh, did you swipe those from work?
718%Apu: Certainly not. What has been implied here?
718%-- Apu arrives to watch the fight on Homer's stolen cable TV,
718% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
719%I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching
719%this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.
719%-- Lisa refuses to watch stolen cable,
719% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
720%Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!
720%-- Homer yells at Lisa who simply stares at him,
720% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
721%Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
721%Bart: Borrowed?
721%Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work.
721%-- Panicking when Mr. Burns arrives, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
722%Will you quit staring at me like that!?
722%-- Homer to Lisa who is staring innocently at Homer from outside,
722% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
723%Cop: Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup.
723%Homer: No! No, I... It wasn't me. It was my wife. My wife's idea.
723% Yeah, yeah, ...
723%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
724%When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end,
724%they will do the right thing.
724%-- Marge to Lisa, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
725%Announcer: The challenger learned how to fight in the notorious province[?]
725% of Capital City, and honed his skills while serving time for
725% aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.
725%Barney: Awright! A local boy!
725%Tatum: For five years, I was incarcerated, away from my family, and
725% the mothers [sic] of my children...
725%-- Watching the pre-fight hype, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
726%I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that
726%I've made a couple of really important decisions.
726%Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and
726%Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.
726%-- Homer, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
727%Lisa: Dad, we may have saved your soul.
727%Announcer: [from the TV inside] Tatum is reeling from the champ's
727% exquisite hailing...
727%Homer: Yeah, at the worst possible time!
727%-- Cutting the cable hook-up, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
728%Apu: What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
728%Burns: Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett
728% fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen
728% rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than
728% fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!
728%-- After watching the big fight, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
729%Dad, I beg you to reconsider.
729%Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin!
729%-- Bart begs Homer not to cut the cable hook-up,
729% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
730%Marge: Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
730%Lisa: I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.
730%-- Lisa wakes up ill, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
731%Homer: Maaarge, the dog is hungry.
731%Marge: Well, then, feed him.
731%Homer: Yeees, Master.
731%-- Do I have to do everything around here? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
732%Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa[?] stays home, stay home.
732%Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
732%Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute...
732% [eyes dart madly as an indication of frantic neural activity]
732% If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa
732% stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
732%Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
732%-- There, I've run rings around you logically.
732% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
733%Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!
733%-- Bart telling Lisa how to enjoy being ill,
733% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
734%You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.
734%-- Apu shooing Santa's Little Helper away, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
735%You know, they've got the velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue,
735%built-in odometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity licence plates!
735%-- Ned Flanders showing off his `Assassins' sneakers,
735% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
736%Dr. Hibert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
736%Lisa: Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
736%Dr. Hibert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
736%-- Lisa is diagnosed with the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
737%Take a rest, have yourself a wowwipop.
737%-- Dr. Hibert's prescription for the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
738%Yello? ... Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? ... The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.
738%-- Homer learns on the phone that Lisa has the mumps,
738% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
739%The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.
739%-- Marge telling Lisa she is genetically programmed to know how to sew.
739% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
740%You just need to develop a callous. [pricks her finger and lights a lighter
740%under it] You see? Now a sewing finger, honey.
740%-- Marge showing Lisa how to sew, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
741%Homer: Oh, 125 bucks...
741% [Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head]
741%Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
741% spoil yourself...
741%Homer: But I can't afford to...
741%Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!
741%Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh.
741%-- Homer and his conscience? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
742%Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
742%Lisa: Ooh. Phonics, functions, vocabulary, ... remedial reading?
742% Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
742%Bart: D'oh!
742%-- Bart delivers Lisa's homework, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
743%Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
743%Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones!
743%Homer: D'oh!
743%Marge: 125 dollars?!?
743%Homer: Bart! [strangles Bart]
743%Bart: Wauuugh!
743%Marge: Homer!
743%Homer: D'oh!
743%-- Caught in the crossfire, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
744%Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
744%Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
744% a single fire.
744%Marge: Mmm...
744%-- Homer buys expensive sneakers, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
745%As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!
745%-- pitchman Troy McClure on `I Can't Believe They Invented It!'
745% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
746%Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
746%Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything...
746%-- finding a school for Santa's Little Helper,
746% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
747%Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
747%Miss Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and
747% change color, ever so slightly.
747%Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
747%Miss Winthrop: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that.
747% `Choke chain' is a misnomer.
747% Trust me. They are always breathing.
747%-- demonstrating the use of the choke chain, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
748%Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
748%Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out.
748% I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma,
748% and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.
748%-- watching a love scene on a TV soap opera, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
749%Woman: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.
749%Fr. McGrath: I was!
749%-- soap opera on television, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
750%I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
750%-- shoe store clerk, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
751%Girl: Aloha! Would you like a free sample?
751%Homer: The price is right! [stuffs them furiously into his mouth]
751% Mmm.. Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts.
751%Girl: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
751%Homer: Oh, so your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack
751% up the price! [as he talks, cookie crumbs splatter out of his
751% mouth, dirtying up his shirt] ... [meekly] Well, you win.
751%-- at the Cookie Collossus store, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
752%Look Mom, I've finished my patch.
752%It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
752%[cough cough]
752%On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school?
752%He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of
752%its beauty and soul.
752%And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy.
752%He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out
752%of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.
752%-- Lisa describes her contribution to the Bouvier Memory Quilt.
752% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
753%Marge: [weeping] My quilt! Six generations, ruined!
753%Homer: Now Marge, honey honey honey. Come on, come on, don't get upset.
753% It's not the end of the world. We all love that quilt,
753% but we can't get too attached to... OHH!!! MY COOKIE!!!
753%-- Homer tries to console Marge after Santa's Little Helper
753% chews up the quilt (and Homer's cookie) ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
754%Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting.
754%Bart: We never had a family meeting before...
754%Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
754%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
755%Lisa: I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
755%Marge: Mmm. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
755%Homer: You do? [taunting and dancing] Ha ha ha ha ha.
755%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
756%Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition,
756% but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the
756% way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it away?
756%Homer: [weeping] Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me,
756% I want you in my corner, honey.
756%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
757%``Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says `I Love You'
757%on command.''
757%-- advertisement for selling Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
758%Now... Sit!
758%I said, Sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away]
758%Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt.
758%See? He does exactly what I tell him.
758%-- Bart trying to demonstrate his control over the dog,
758% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
759%You son of a bitch. Good show!
759%-- Dog obedience instructor to Santa's Little Helper,
759% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
760% Buddy -- Ran away from home.
760% Lao Tzu -- Ate poison toad: now in a coma.
760%Santa's Little Helper -- Bit Bart. Homer didn't mind.
760%-- The eventual fates of the dogs in the obedience school,
760% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
761%Homer: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you!
761% [one word per finger] Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue...
761% [realizes he needs his left hand] Pit.
761%Marge: Oh, Homey, remember you told me you'd try to limit pork to six
761% servings a week?
761%Homer: Marge! I'm only human!
761%-- ``Principal Charming''
762%Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances...
762%-- Rev. Lovejoy greets the wedding guests, ``Principal Charming''
763%Lisa: Aunt Selma?
763%Selma: [grunt]
763%Lisa: Do you think you'll ever married?
763%Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
763%Lisa: No.
763%Selma: [grunt]
763%Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece,
763% I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant
763% number of forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
763%-- ``Principal Charming''
764%Marge: You owe me a favor.
764%Homer: [whining] Oh...
764%Marge: To be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
764%Homer: But that was just an idle promise!
764%-- Marge cashes in a favor, ``Principal Charming''
765%Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
765%Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines,
765% and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
765%Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like
765% to be ... you know ... touched.
765%Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy
765% thrust upon her.
765%-- ``Principal Charming''
766%Marge: You will find her [Selma] a man!
766%Homer: [conceding] All right.
766%Marge: And not just any man.
766%Homer: [annoyed] Okay!
766%Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
766%Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?
766%-- ``Principal Charming''
767%Mrs. K: Sodium tetrasulfate is highly toxic, and can remove your skin.
767% [pours into a beaker] Say when... [chuckles]
767%Martin: That will do. [Mrs. K stops pouring, and spills quite a bit]
767%Bart: What's this stuff for?
767%Martin: It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and
767% as a preservative in fast foods.
767%-- Chemistry class, ``Principal Charming''
768%Karl... Too handsome.
768%Smithers... Jerk.
768%Ms. Finch... Not a man.
768%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
768% ``Principal Charming''
769%Boy, a good man really hard to find.
769%-- Homer searches for a husband for Selma, ``Principal Charming''
770%One seafood burrito, Apu.
770%-- Homer makes a purchase from the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Principal Charming''
771%Apu... Pro: Discounted snack treats. Con: Dangerous profession.
771%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
771% ``Principal Charming''
772%I am loathe to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for
772%money to change hands.
772%-- Apu snaps Homer out of his daze at the Kwik-E-Mart register,
772% ``Principal Charming''
773%?... Pro: Nice stride. Con: Complete stranger.
773%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
773% ``Principal Charming''
774%Pro: Smoker. Con: Just a sign.
774%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
774% ``Principal Charming''
775%Say what they will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best
775%tater tots money can buy.
775%-- Principal Skinner eats his lunch at school, ``Principal Charming''
776%Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew that you were
776% writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters on the field, and that
776% you would be caught.
776%Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
776%Principal Skinner: There are no other Barts!
776%Bart: Uh oh.
776%-- Another visit to the principal's office, ``Principal Charming''
777%Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
777%Moe: Homer who?
777%Bart: Homer... Sexual.
777%Moe: Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on,
777% come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! [guffaws from the
777% gang] You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my
777% teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
777%-- ``Principal Charming''
778%Principal Skinner...
778%Pros: * Uses big words.
778% * Dislikes the boy.
778% * [something]
778%Cons: * Possible Homer Sexual.
778%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
778% ``Principal Charming''
779%Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely
779% (and available) sister, Selma.
779%Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty!
779%Homer: What!?
779%Skinner: [dreamily] Patty...
779%Homer: D'oh!! Wrong one!
779%-- Homer introduces Principal Skinner to the wrong woman,
779% ``Principal Charming''
780%I tried to repel him, I really did!
780%-- Patty to Selma, on Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
781%Patty: I'll have a Lady Laramie 100's please.
781%Selma: We both know it could have easily been me. Very easily.
781% [to Apu] Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day.
781%Apu: Ooh, all right, here you go. Smoke them in good health.
781%-- ``Principal Charming''
782%I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant.
782%You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
782%-- Principal Skinner takes Patty out for a date, ``Principal Charming''
783%Principal Skinner: That was the worst movie I've ever seen.
783%Patty: Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
783%Principal Skinner: Ho ho ho. Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
783%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
784%Principal Skinner: So, see me again tomorrow?
784%Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
784%Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
784%Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
784%Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
784%Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
784%Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
784%Patty: Hai-ya! [gives him a healthy karate (or whatever) chop]
784%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
785%Principal Skinner: I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
785%Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.
785%-- ``Principal Charming''
786%Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man. [belch]
786%-- Barney comes to the rescue when Homer needs to find a husband for Selma?
786% ``Principal Charming''
787%Clerk: A good rule of thumb is two years' salary, sir. Try this.
787%Principal Skinner: I can't afford that, I'm an educator!
787%Bart: Seymour...
787%Principal Skinner: I'll take it.
787%-- Buying an engagement ring for Patty, ``Principal Charming''
788%Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all,
788%tomorrow is another school day!
788%-- Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
789%And then when I got out of the service, eh, uh... Well, the next few years
789%are a blur.
789%-- Barney, ``Principal Charming''
790%Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. [sobs]
790%Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
790%Barney: [perks up] Well, whaddya know! You're right!
790% And look, a whole pitcher to myself!
790%-- Every cloud has a silver lining? ``Principal Charming''
791%Grampa: The screen was too small.
791%Jasper: The floor was sticky.
791%Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on.
791%Jasper: In short, we demand a refund.
791%-- Complaining at the movie theater, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
792%... and thank you most of all for nuclear power,
792%which has yet to cause a single proven fatality.
792%At least in this country. Amen.
792%-- Homer, saying grace, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
793%Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons,
793%and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
793%-- Homer, threatening his kids, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
794%Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
794%Homer: What is it, Dad?
794%Grampa: Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh.
794% Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die
794% someday.
794%Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
794%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
795%Hey handsome, wanna `dunk' the `clown'?
795%-- Carnival girl/prostitute, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
796%She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.
796%-- Grampa, remembering an affair, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
797%Granma: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father.
797% He must never know about that, that carnival incident.
797%Grampa: Okay.
797%Granma: Promise you won't tell him.
797%Grampa: I promise.
797% [end of flashback]
797%Grampa: Oops! Forget what I just told you.
797%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
798%Homer: This makes me special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that
798% must mean you really loved me.
798%Grampa: Mm. Interesting theory.
798%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
799%Lisa: A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
799%Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
799%Homer: Bart!
799%Bart: His parents aren't married are they?
799% It's the correct word, isn't it?
799%Homer: I guess he's got us there.
799%Marge: Mmm...
799%Bart: [singing]
799% Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard!
799%Marge: Bart!
799%Homer: Bart! Baart!
799%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
800%Homer: Oh brother, where art thou!
800%Attendant: Take it easy, buddy, they moved across the street.
800%Homer: Oh, hee hee. Sorry.
800%-- looking for the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
801%Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
801% I myself have spent years searching for long-lost twin brother.
801%Homer: Yeah yeah yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking
801% for brother today.
801%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
802%Director: Your brother could be anywhere. Even ... Detroit.
802%Homer: I know he could be ,
802% that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
802%Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of love
802% isn't Philadelphia, it's ... Detroit.
802%Homer: Well, if you asked me, changing the subject makes you the
802% most worthess, heartless excuse for a human being I ever...
802%Director: Read between the lines, Mr. Simpson!
802%Homer: Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you
802% tell me where my brother lives?
802%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
803%Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell...
803%Pomerantz, Poole, Popkins, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randal, oops, too far.
803%-- Homer, looking through the phone book, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
804%Homer: Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! [bangs the phone]
804%Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here!
804% I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.
804%Homer: Oh. Sorry.
804%-- first contact with his brother, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
805%Homer: Just a little further!
805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
805%Homer: Just a little fur...
805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
805%Homer: Just a little further!!
805%Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car
805% right around and go home.
805%Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
805%Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
805%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
806%Herbert: Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese and I want to know why.
806%Advisor: Oh, unfair trade practices?
806%Advisor: Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
806%Advisor: Some sort of gypsy curse?
806%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
807%People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!
807%-- Herbert Powell, board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
808%Herbert: You, what are your roots?
808%Advisor: Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met
808% the Saxons... [all except Herbert chuckle]
808%Herbert: Or in other words, when white met bread.
808%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
809%Holy moly, the bastard's rich!
809%-- Homer, seeing his brother's mansion, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
810%Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa ...
810%Maggie: [falls down] [thud]
810%Homer: ... and Maggie.
810%Bart: Hello, sir.
810%Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.
810%Herbert: All born in wedlock?
810%Homer: [whispers] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
810%-- introducing his family, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
811%Herbert: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home.
811% Any time you're hungry, any time day or night,
811% Cook will make you anything you want.
811%Homer: Even pork chops?
811%Herbert: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool,
811% a screening room...
811%Homer: If I want pork chops any time in the middle of the night,
811% your guy will fry them up?
811%Herbert: Sure, that's what he's paid for.
811% Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
811%Homer: Wait, wait, wait. Lemme see if I got this straight.
811% It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach...
811%Marge: Homer, please.
811%-- touring the estate, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
812%Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
812%Marge: Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three
812% beautiful children.
812%Herbert: Wow. We have so much catching up to do.
812%Marge: Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
812%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
813%Bart: Watch me dive!
813%Lisa: Watch me dive!
813%Homer: OKAY, we're watching!
813%Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them...
813% [they dive]
813%Bart: Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
813%Lisa: Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...
813%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
814%A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one.
814%-- Grampa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
815%Bart: Unkie Herb, can I spit over the side?
815%Herbert: Heh heh heh. I love this kid. Hock your brains out!
815% [Bart spits, as does Herbert]
815%Bart: Ho! Got him!
815%-- in a balloon, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
816%Hello, cook?
816%Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some...
816%That's right. Don't forget the applesauce!
816%-- Homer, on the phone late at night, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
817%Herbert: And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
817%Homer: And I want to let you!
817%-- hiring Homer as a consultant, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
818%Herbert: Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
818%Homer: Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other
818% and rack-and-peanut steering.
818%-- first day on the job, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
819%Herbert: Do you understand?
819%Homer: Sort of.
819%Herbert: Homer?
819%Homer: What.
819%Herbert: Answer me again with self-confidence!
819%Homer: SORT OF!
819%-- pep talk, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
820%Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style!
820%Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting...
820%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
821%Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said.
821%-- Herbert, to his advisor, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
822%I want a horn here, here, and here.
822%You can never find a horn when you're mad.
822%And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.
822%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
823%Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids
823% with optional restraints and muzzles?
823%Homer: Bullseye!
823%-- designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
824%Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy.
824%Bart: They hate each other.
824%Lisa: And they're not shy about expressing it.
824%-- ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
825%To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings,
825%when I could've been watching cartoons!
825%-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy'
825% ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
826%Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?
826%-- Lisa, talking to a penguin at the zoo, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
827%Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders,
827%members of the press, Your Holiness...
827%-- Herbert Powell, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
828%All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
828%Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
828%Now, at last, I have found it.
828%-- Homer, describing his car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
829%Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all
829% your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been
829% better off if I'd never come into your life.
829%Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off?
829% MAYBE!
829% Why you sponge-head. Of COURSE I'd have been better off.
829% As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
829%Marge: Mm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
829%-- Herbert leaving forever, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
830%His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.
830%-- Lisa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
831%Bart: Dad?
831%Homer: What is it, boy?
831%Bart: I thought your car was really cool.
831%Homer: Thanks boy! I was waiting for someone to say that.
831%-- driving home, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
832%Marge: You know, be old someday.
832%Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home
832% like I did to my dad, would you?
832%Bart: [considering the idea] Well...
832%Homer: Aaah!
832%-- After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, ``Old Money''
833%Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place
833%at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!
833%-- Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, ``Old Money''
834%Yo, active wear? Need a price check on a wool shoal.
834%-- Clerk at `Grandma's World', ``Old Money''
835%Do not feed the animals. Do not allow animals inside the car.
835%Do not make eye contact with animals.
835%-- Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, ``Old Money''
836%Mr. Simpson, I presume.
836%-- Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, ``Old Money''
837%You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know
837%she died of a broken heart.
837%-- Grampa mourns Bea's passing, ``Old Money''
838%You can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer.
838%-- Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, ``Old Money''
839%Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
839%Grampa: Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.
839%Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing!
839%-- Grampa disowns Homer, ``Old Money''
840%Hutz: There is one catch... You must spend one night in... a haunted house!
840%Grampa: [gasp!]
840%Hutz: Just kidding.
840%-- Grampa inherits $106,000, ``Old Money''
841%Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks
841%just like a cigar. Isn't that something!
841%-- Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, ``Old Money''
842%Grampa: Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated
842% like human beings! whether they have money or not?
842%Director: Yes, but it passes.
842%-- The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... ``Old Money''
843%Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting
843%a family in Texas.
843%-- Bea's ghost appears, ``Old Money''
844%Hiya. You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.
844%If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW!
844%If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW!
844%If you have trouble maintaining an...
844%-- ``Old Money''
845%Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive
845% food and water. The floor can become electrified, and showers of
845% icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it... The Monroe Box!
845%Grampa: Uh huh. Sounds interesting. How much will it cost to build?
845%Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part! It's already built! I need the money
845% to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty.
845%Grampa: What are you trying to prove?
845%Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and
845% will harbor a deep resentment towards me.
845%Grampa: Mm. Interesting.
845%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
846%Man: With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy
846% an area the size of New York City.
846%Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them!
846%Man: Oh. Well, to be honest, the ray only has applications...
846%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
847%Lisa: The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums.
847% They're little children who need more library books, and they're
847% families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted
847% to, you could buy me a pony.
847%Grampa: You're right!
847%Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
847%-- Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... ``Old Money''
848%Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and
848% for God's sakes, hurry!
848%Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone]
848%-- The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, ``Old Money''
849%Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: If you can make one heap
849% of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
849% and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe
849% a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is
849% in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
849%Homer: You'll be a bonehead!
849%-- Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, ``Old Money''
850%Grampa: Put it all on 41. [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
850%Roulette man: The wheel only goes to 36.
850%Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36.
850% [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
850%-- Grampa at the casino, ``Old Money''
851%Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to...
851%Kids: Kroon Along With Krusty! Yeah!
851% [singing]
851% I want to go to Mt. Splashmore,
851% Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
851% Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
851% Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now! Yay!
851%-- ``A rather shameless promotion'', ``Brush with Greatness''
852%Homer: [asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No!
852% [following Homer walking down the hallway]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852% [at the dinner table]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No!
852% [as Homer watches television with a beer in his hand]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No.
852% [as Homer takes a shower]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: No!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NO!!!!
852% [as Homer tries to get some sleep]
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NO!!!!!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NO!!!!!!!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NOOO!!
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: NOOOOO!!!
852% [Marge pulls her pillow over her head]
852% If I take you will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME!
852%Bart: Yeah!
852%Lisa: Of course!
852%Bart: Well?
852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
852%Homer: Yes!
852%Bart+Lisa Thanks, Dad!
852%-- The persistence of memory? ``Brush with Greatness''
853%Everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ...
853%[turns around, everybody is gone] D'oh!
853%-- Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore,
853% ``Brush with Greatness''
854%Challenge the raging water of DEATH.
854%Dare to discover what water is really made of!
854%H2WHOA!
854%-- Mt. Splashmore announcer, ``Brush with Greatness''
855%Bart: Okay, Lis. Turn on the water works, babe.
855%Lisa: [crying] Mommy! I want my mommy! [sob sob]
855%-- How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt. Splashmore,
855% ``Brush with Greatness''
856%Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and
856%five hundred pounds.
856%-- Newscaster on Homer's getting stuck in the water slide,
856% ``Brush with Greatness''
857%Krusty: [surrounded by reporters]
857% No, this slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.
857%Kent Brockman: I understand that Krusty... [lost in the reporters' yelling]
857% Krusty! Was that exactly what you said just before the recall of
857% tainted `Krusty Brand Mayonnaise'?
857%Krusty: Now kids, you know that question is out of bounds.
857% This interview is over.
857%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
858%Homer: All right, family. I want the truth. Don't pull any punches.
858% [sweetly] Am I just a little bit overweight?
858% [silence]
858% [angrily] Well, am I?
858%Lisa: Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response.
858%-- Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, ``Brush with Greatness''
859%Oh! Four hundred and thirty-seven... Fifty pounds?
859%Oh my God! Three hundred and... A hundred and fifty?
859%OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh.
859%Oh my God! It's two hundred and sixty pounds!
859%I'm a big fat pig!
859%-- The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, ``Brush with Greatness''
860%Marge: You do have big bones.
860%Homer: Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bones!
860%-- Homer finds he weighs 260 pounds, ``Brush with Greatness''
861%I am going on a diet.
861%From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent!
861%No donut too tasty!
861%No pizza too laden with delicious toppings
861%to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight!
861%As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!
861%-- Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
862%Bart: Hey, Homer, I found your weights.
862%Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer...
862%-- Up in the attic, ``Brush with Greatness''
863%Marge: Oh Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl.
863% The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on him.
863%Homer: A likely story...
863%-- Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings,
863% ``Brush with Greatness''
864%Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?
864%-- Homer, setting out on his diet, ``Brush with Greatness''
865%Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things!
865%-- Homer admires a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
866%Hello! Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?
866%-- Homer bites into a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
867%Hey Mom, these paintings are good.
867%While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is,
867%I'd love to hear the particulars of how gift was squashed.
867%-- Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting talent,
867% ``Brush with Greatness''
868%Lisa: Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College.
868%Marge: I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer?
868%Homer: Do I have to do anything?
868%Marge: No.
868%Homer: Great! Fine! Go nuts!
868%-- A loving, supportive husband, ``Brush with Greatness''
869%I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.
869%I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu,
869%pushed too far by convenience store bandits.
869%I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'.
869%-- Apu, at Springfield Community College, ``Brush with Greatness''
870%Marvelous!
870%-- Prof. Lombardo sees a handyman paint the handrail, ``Brush with Greatness''
871%Now, using the Lombardo method, you learn to see everyday objects
871%as a simple grrouping of geometrical shapes. Heah, we see how two
871%concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses, and yes! even a rrhombus!
871%can create an adorable little bunny-rabbit. It's just that easy!
871%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
872%Bravo! Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages.
872%[to next student]
872%You! Not another stroke! Oh well, maybe one more, that's it! Perfect!
872%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
873%Marge, please, I don't take praise very well!
873%[sees a sign painter]
873%Oh! Another triumph!
873%-- Prof. Lombardo, ``Brush with Greatness''
874%Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait
874%was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!
874%-- Burns chews out Smithers, ``Brush with Greatness''
875%Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson.
875%Burns: Who?
875%Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair,
875% and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily
875% intimidated.
875%Burns: Excellent.
875%-- Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
876%Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
876%Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
876%Burns: Shut up.
876%-- Too much of a good thing? ``Brush with Greatness''
877%Marge: That's wonderful, isn't it kids?
877%Lisa: [to Bart] Pass the moo juice.
877%Marge: Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support?
877%Lisa: Way to go, Dad!
877%Bart: You look mahvelous!
877%Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula]
877%-- Homer reaches his weight goal, ``Brush with Greatness''
878%Donut man: Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up.
878%Worker: Heh. Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet.
878%Donut man: Oh my God. And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead]
878%-- Homer's diet depresses the local economy, ``Brush with Greatness''
879%Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
879%Marge: Well, no. Just Ringo Starr.
879%Burns: Ring-Go?
879%Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called
879% the Beatles, sir.
879%Burns: Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key
879% caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What Ed thinking?
879%-- Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
880%Smithers: Ah, sir. At least the world will see you as I always have.
880%Burns: [trying to get him to shut up] Yes, yes, yes.
880%-- Preparing for a portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
881%Marge: What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?
881% Did you have a dog that you loved?
881%Burns: Well... Daah! There's something on my leg. [waves his leg]
881% Get it off! Get it off! [Maggie is clutching his leg] Ugh!
881%Marge: [takes Maggie, holds her up] Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.
881%Maggie: [suck suck suck]
881%Burns: [still scared] Ooh!
881%-- Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', ``Brush with Greatness''
882%Homer: All right, all right. Who took the funny pages?
882%Smithers: [reading to Burns] So Ziggy goes to the repair shop,
882% there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'.
882%Burns: Heh heh. Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?
882%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
883%Bart: Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body?
883%Burns: [opens the door] I heard that.
883%-- Marge accidentally bursts in on Burns (naked) in the bathroom,
883% ``Brush with Greatness''
884%Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?
884%Burns: Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor.
884%-- Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, ``Brush with Greatness''
885%Burns: [off camera] Smithers! I want my tea!
885%Marge: Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
885%Smithers: Oh ho ho. Actually, I value every second we're together.
885% From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning,
885% til I tuck him in at night.
885% He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too.
885%Burns: [sipping the tea] Bah! Too hot! [spills it on Smithers]
885%Smithers: Right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.
885%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
886%Dear Sally. In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966,
886%me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard.
886%Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo.
886%PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
886%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
887%Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!
887%-- Homer is proud of his weight loss, ``Brush with Greatness''
888%If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. [leaves, crying]
888%--Homer reacts to Burns' insulting his weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
889%Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung
889%it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question,
889%yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French
889%fries `chips'. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
889%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
890%Friends, art lovers, security personnel...
890%-- Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing of the
890% art museum, ``Brush with Greatness''
891%He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.
891%-- Ms. Hoover, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
892%You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.
892%-- Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, ``Brush with Greatness''
893%Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
893%Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did.
893%-- On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
894%> Voice credits
894%>> Starring
894% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, H2WHOA ride spotter)
894% Julie Kavner (Marge)
894% Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
894% Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
894% and
894% Harry Shearer (nearly everybody else)
895%>> Special Guest Voice
895% John Lovitz (Mr. Lombardo, donut man)
895% Ringo Starr (himself)
896%>> Also starring
896% Hank Azaria (Registration guy)
896% Maggie Roswell (Ms. Hoover)
897%> Didja notice...
898% ... the water slide schematic looks like the human digestive system?
898% ... Bart was eating left-handed?
898% ... the Picasso-style painting of Burns in the discard pile?
898% ... the substantial number of curlers Marge needs?
898% ... the string quartet played `For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' when
898% Burns came in?
898% ... this is Marge's second run-in with full frontal nudity?
898% ... Ringo said `gear!' when he saw Marge's painting?
899%[Jym Dyer]
899% ... that they're reading the `Springfield Shopper' in the
899% first new episode to air since `Simpsons Illustrated' was released?
900%[Scott Amspoker]
900% ... the runners up in the art contest? ("dogs playing ping pong" and
900% the sad unicorn asking "Why?")
900% ... the number of different "camera shots" in which the genitalia
900% in Mr. Burns' portrait were kept hidden from view? It was so
900% conspicious it became a joke in itself.
901%[rjc]
901% Here's the list of things that blocked the view of Mr. Burns'
901% privates:
901% the feather of a woman's hat
901% Burns' head
901% Marge's hairdo
901% Marge's head
901% Marge's hand
901% Marge's upper lip
901% Marge's wine glass
901% Dr. Hibert's wine glass
901% Smithers' head
902%And for those who weren't sure of Lisa's age, Marge says, ``Mr. Burns, it's
902%hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old
902%girl.''
903%> Movie References
903% Howdy Doody Show
903% - Shamelessly pitching products on a kids show
903% and getting the kids all riled up to buy the stuff.
903% + Ascending and Descending, an etching by M. C. Escher
903% - the line for H2WHOA!
903% ~ Batman
903% - Krusty wipes make-up from his face, cf. The Joker. {evl}
903% + Gone With the Wind
903% - ``As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!''
903% ~ Back to the Future
903% - ``Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?'' Now change `taste'
903% to `McFly'.
903% + Rocky
903% - Music as Homer works out.
903% + The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
903% - Music as Homer approaches the scale. {gh2}
903% ~ The Empire Strikes Back
903% - When Marge walks in on Burns in the bathroom, cf. Darth Vader.
903% Yellow Submarine
903% - The cartoon of Ringo is largely the same.
904%> Freeze Frame Fun
904%>> Things in the attic
905% A `Burns for Mayor' placard. [dale@mks.com (Dale Gass)]
906% A half-empty bottle of pills labelled, `Dr. Nick Riviera's Gym'
906% superimposed on a picture of a weightlifter lifting barbells.
906% Presumably, it contains steroids. [rmm@ipac.caltech.edu (Mike Melnyk)]
907%>> Blurbs from TV, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
907% - Two hours free parking
907% - Nose plug rental
907% - Trauma center on premises
908%>> At the park, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
908% - This park is not copless. So please don't go topless.
908% - Wavewalker. Caution. You will get wet.
908% - Rock-a-bye riptide. Water changed hourly. 1" 1 1/2" 2".
908% - Stop if you have - Athlete's foot - Hepatitis - Yeast infection.
908% [Many others have given the middle item as `Impetigo'.]
909%>> In the attic, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
909% - Burns for governor.
909% - Gluteus Maximizer.
909% - Dr. Nick Riviera's Gym.
909% - Gee, your pecs look terrific.
909% - Football jersey #17
910%>> The envelope, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
910% - Marge Bouvier, Springfield USA
910% - Ringo Starr, c/o The Beatles, Liverpool England, S.W.A.K.
911%>> Misc stuff, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}
911% - Springfield Community College Extension Center.
911% - "Where old dogs learn new tricks"
911% - Lombardo Method
911% - The Rolling Donut
911% - Burn's mirror is 'monogrammed' CMB
911% - The cubist (with three eyes, fishy, eh?) painting and mobile of Burns.
912%> Animation and continuity goofs
913%Carl's ``Homer Simpson went on a diet'' line was spoken with Lenny's voice.
914%> Comments and other observations
915%>> References
916%>>> Previous episodes
917% [7g04] The quartet plays ``For He's a Jolly Good Fellow''.
917% [UFA] Marge's original letter to Ringo is reproduced
918%>> Home decorations
919%Gary Bisaga {gb2} observes:
920%Right before Burns insults Homer's new reduced waistline, Homer is shown
920%standing in front of the staircase and two pictures are shown on the wall
920%behind him. One appears to be a baby picture of Bart, on all fours but with
920%the same spike hair. The other appears to be a female ancestor of Marge's,
920%looking just like Marge; she had blue hair done up like Marge's (and her
920%mother's) current style, except it didn't go up nearly as far - more of an
920%afro with a little peak on the top. It was in a little ellipsical frame.
920%The picture appears to be from the early part of the 20th century because
920%the dress she is wearing has mutton sleeves (those big puffy shoulder/sleeve
920%units that they wore back then). But the picture was in color (you can see
920%the hair is blue). They probably would not have given the woman that type of
920%dress unless they were attempting to portray a picture from, say, the 20's,
920%so I say the picture should have been B/W. What does everybody else say?
921%>> Audrey Rosen kindly provides the jumprope rhyme:
922% Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinkin'
922% What the heck have you been drinkin'?
922% Is it water? Is it wine?
922% Oh my gosh, it's turpentine!
923%Except that Lisa and Bart say `hell' instead of `heck', just to give it
923%a little more edge.
924%>> Paintings of Monty Burns
925%Chris Baird {cjb} notes that paintings of Monty Burns already existed,
925%such as the painting of a younger (blushing) Burns in his office in
925%`Homer's Odyssey'.
926%>> The Rolling Donut
927%Jym Dyer {jd} explains (for the benefit of non-Americans) that a common
927%American unpleasantry is to tell somebody (presumably male) to `go take a
927%flying fuck at a rolling donut.' On a visit to Los Angeles, Mr. Dyer
927%found a shop named
928% ROLLIN'
928% DONUTS
929%It has since been taken over by Dunkin' Donuts, but the sign remains.
930%> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments
931%Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1993 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed
931%in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course,
931%remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
931%the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the
931%compilation.)
932%1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover?
932% She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.
932%2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well.
932% [Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying]
932%Lisa: My God, she's been dumped again...
932%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
933%Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long.
933% I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease.
933% Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
933%Ralph: What's lyme disease?
933%Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one. [goes to blackboard] Lyme disease
933% is spread by small parasites called `ticks'. [writes `TICKS'
933% on blackboard] When a diseased tick attaches itself to
933% you, it begins sucking your blood...
933%Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
933%Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually
933% spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
933%Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God...
933%Class: Wow!
933%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
934% [a scream is heard from the room above]
934%Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you!
934%-- Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, ``Lisa's Substitute''
935%Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
935%-- Bart shows a videotape of kittens being born, ``Lisa's Substitute''
936%Bergstrom: [enters the classroom, guns ablazin']
936%Skinner: Are you the substitute?
936%Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
936%Skinner: Are you insane?
936%-- Principal Skinner doesn't quite get Bergstrom's unorthodox teaching
936% technique, ``Lisa's Substitute''
937%And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen.
937%Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.
937%-- Mr. Bergstrom's lesson on the American West, ``Lisa's Substitute''
938%Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library,
938% featuring an ABC of the over[something] genre. Asimov,
938% Bester, Clarke!
938%Student: What abouy Ray Bradbury?
938%Martin: [dismissing] I'm aware of his work...
938% [orating] Thank you, and... Keep watching the skies...
938%-- Martin's campaign speech for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
939%Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat.
939% How can I put this? Does your father help you with it.
939%Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
939%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
940%Martin: [campaign speech] In a sample taken in this very classroom,
940% a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
940%Bart: That's not enough! We demand MORE asbestos!
940% [leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS']
940%-- Martin and Bart run for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
941%Homer: Wow! You made the front page!
941%Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest?
941%Homer: JUST a popularity contest?
941% Excuse me. What's more important than popularity?
941%-- Bart runs for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
942%I always knew you had personality.
942%The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
942%-- Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president,
942% ``Lisa's Substitute''
943%He says there aren't any easy answers.
943%I say, he's not looking hard enough!
943%-- Bart's campaign speech against Martin, ``Lisa's Substitute''
944%Martin's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy!
944% Bart's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! [scrawled]
944%-- The campaign for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
945%You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
945%-- Lisa comments on Bart's campaign antics, ``Lisa's Substitute''
946%Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow,
946% and I think you should take her.
946%Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning
946% on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching
946% TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the
946% boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.
946%Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your
946% relationship with her.
946%Bart: Me too, Mom. I think you're drifting apart.
946%Homer: Shut up, boy.
946%Marge: Homer, please.
946%Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
946% [thinking to himself] You're trapped. If you were smarter, you
946% might think of something. But you're not, so you just might as
946% well... [speaks up] All right, all right, I'll take her.
946% [sotto voce] Lousy brain.
946%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
947%Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'?
947%Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir.
947%Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero?
947%Clerk: That is up to you.
947%Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it?
947%Clerk: Yes.
947%Homer: I see. And you think that people are going to pay
947% you $4.50 even though they don't have to?
947% Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs]
947% Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it!
947%-- Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum entrance,
947% ``Lisa's Substitute''
948%Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
948%-- Homer admires the mummy at the museum, ``Lisa's Substitute''
949%She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education,
949%youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, ``Why me? What
949%did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...'' [cries]
949%-- Homer talks to Mr. Bergstrom on Lisa's need for a strong male role model,
949% ``Lisa's Substitute''
950%Mr. B: There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
950%Homer: Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
950%Mr. B: I giving her an A.
950%Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
950%Mr. B: Mr. Simpson, she earn it.
950%Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.
950%-- On Lisa's education, ``Lisa's Substitute''
951%Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner?
951%Lisa: Oh, Mom! That's wonderful!
951% Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it?
951%Marge: Sure.
951%Lisa: Can I wear your jewelry?
951%Marge: Sure.
951%Lisa: Can I get my ears pierced?
951%Marge: No.
951%Lisa: Can I dye my shoes pink?
951%Marge: Yes.
951%Lisa: Can I paint my nails?
951%Marge: No.
951%Lisa: Can we have wine?
951%Marge: Yes.
951%Lisa: Can I have wine?
951%Marge: No.
951%Lisa: Does Bart have to be there?
951%Marge: Yes.
951%Lisa: Can we do it this week?
951%-- Setting the ground rules, ``Lisa's Substitute''
952%Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be
952% [spells it on the board] psychosomatic.
952%Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?
952%Student 2: No, that means she was faking it.
952%Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.
952%-- Miss Hoover returns to teaching, ``Lisa's Substitute''
953%Bart: I demand a recount!
953%Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin.
953% Would you like another recount?
953%Bart: [realizing he's beat] No.
953%Ms. K: [enjoying it] Well, I just want to make sure.
953% One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles]
953%-- The Apathy Party loses again, ``Lisa's Substitute''
954%That's the problem with being middle-class.
954%Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.
954%-- Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, ``Lisa's Substitute''
955%Bart didn't get one vote?
955%Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us!
955%-- Homer, on Bart failing to be elected class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
956%Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
956%-- Homer tries to understand Lisa, ``Lisa's Substitute''
957%Lisa: You, sir, are a baboon!
957%Homer: [gasp] Me?
957%Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!
957%Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...
957%Lisa: BABOON! [leaves in tears]
957%Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe
957% it was her.
957%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
958%Mmm... Horse doovers...
958%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
959%Marge: [slaps Homer's hand] Homer! You promised.
959%Homer: I promised I wouldn't eat? Never! You lie!
959%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
960%Homer: Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all
960% the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
960%Marge: That was our wedding!
960%Homer: Oh.
960%-- pre-party discussion, ``War of the Simpsons''
961%Marge: Oh, they're here. How does everything look?
961%Homer: Yeah, how do I look?
961%Marge: Do we have enough glasses?
961%Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes?
961%Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on.
961%Homer: What are all our friends' names again?
961%-- pre-party panic, ``War of the Simpsons''
962%And the house! You've done...
962%[looks at the living room; nothing spectacular] Whatever!
962%-- Ned tries to compliment the Simpsons, ``War of the Simpsons''
963%Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it!
963%Ned: Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of
963% bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor.
963%Homer: Really? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem
963% to be slurring my speech. You're right! Gimme another.
963%-- Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, ``War of the Simpsons''
964%Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol. Remember last year at the Winfields'
964% party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
964%Homer: No.
964%Marge: Mm.
964%-- Homer starts getting tipsy, ``War of the Simpsons''
965%Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right?
965%I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful.
965%[she maces him] Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough]
965%Is that a new kind of mace? It's really painful.
965%-- Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), ``War of the Simpsons''
966%Dr. Hibert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you
966% roll him onto his stomach.
966%Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert. Thanks for coming.
966%Dr. Hibert: Remember, I said `if'.
966%-- The party's over, ``War of the Simpsons''
966% [And notice that she didn't roll him over! -- Chuck Anderson]
967%Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
967%Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
967%-- The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, ``War of the Simpsons''
968%I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there
968%was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you.
968%But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
968%-- Marge, ``War of the Simpsons''
969%Marge: You are going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred
969% him for life.
969%Homer: No, I didn't! I ... Oh, you mean inside, don't you.
969%-- ``War of the Simpsons''
970%Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little
970% strange and you probably don't understand why.
970%Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
970%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
971%Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect
971% for me.
971%Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
971%Homer: Awww.... [pats Bart's head]
971%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
972%We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including
972%`Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners'
972%and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'.
972%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
973%Marge: Grampa, could you do something?
973%Grampa: I can dress myself.
973%-- Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
974%Bart: Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this.
974% It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
974%Grampa: [reads] Eh heh. Uh huh. You're allowed to smoke cigars?
974%-- Marge leaves the kids in Grampa's care, ``War of the Simpsons''
975%Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty
975% Burger, and head for the arcade.
975%Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man. He trusts us. Are you sure it's
975% right to take advantage of him?
975%Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or
975% wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, ``Bleed Gramps dry.''
975%-- Grampa babysits the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
976%A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.
976%It takes a whole weekend to do that!
976%-- Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
977%Rev.: We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way, a happy marriage,
977% heh heh, won't be the one that got away.
977%Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions.
977%-- Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter retreat,
977% ``War of the Simpsons''
978%Ah, three couples. Our best turnout yet!
978%-- Rev. Lovejoy opens the marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
979%Ned: Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in Bible
979% because she can't find hers.
979%Homer: [mutters] Oh. Lucky they don't keep guns in the house.
979%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
980%Rev.: Marge is going to tell us about your faults, why don't you tell
980% us about hers?
980%Homer: Oh, she's perfect.
980%Rev.: Come on, Homer, what are her faults?
980%Homer: Well, sometimes it can be annoying.
980%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
981%Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy
981% bar with bums and lowlifes.
981%Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
981%Rev.: Homer, don't interrupt.
981%Homer: Sorry.
981%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate.
982%Bart: Check.
982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.
982%Bart: Check.
982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip.
982%Bart: Yep.
982%Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list?
982%Lisa: Grampa, what a question!
982%-- Shopping for groceries, ``War of the Simpsons''
983%It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.
983%-- Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking advantage of Grampa,
983% ``War of the Simpsons''
984%Grampa: [pours Lisa a cup of coffee] Sugar?
984%Lisa: Yes, ten please.
984%Bart: [shaking] Hey Grampa, top me off.
984%Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee?
984%Bart: [snaps] For the last time, yes!
984%-- My breakfast with Grampa, ``War of the Simpsons''
985%Helen: Now, this is a trust exercise.
985% You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
985%Marge: Do I have to do this?
985%Rev.: No. Even if your husband here, I wouldn't recommend it.
985%-- Marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
986%Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where
986%I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault.
986%I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.
986%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
987%Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is.
987%Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show.
987%-- Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', ``War of the Simpsons''
988%Holy mackerel!
988%-- Homer lands a catfish, ``War of the Simpsons''
989%Otto: Any chicks over eight?
989%Bart: Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
989%-- Bart throws a wild party, ``War of the Simpsons''
990%Bart: Lisa, what's wrong?
990%Lisa: Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's
990% rights movement for decades to come.
990%Bart: You're great at a party, Lis. Really great.
990%-- Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, ``War of the Simpsons''
991%Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
991%Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.
991%-- Is it contagious? ``War of the Simpsons''
992%I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage.
992%-- Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake,
992% ``War of the Simpsons''
993%I'll never trust another old person...
993%-- Bart realizes Grampa duped him, ``War of the Simpsons''
994%Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of
994% bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but
994% if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
994%Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him?
994%Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet
994% tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel,
994% cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.
994%-- The making of a legend, ``War of the Simpsons''
995%Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will
995% be gone!
995%Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper
995% the Wimpy Ghost.
995%Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and
995% I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
995%Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of
995% Richie Rich. [shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich]
995%Lisa: Hey, they do look alike!
995%Bart: Wonder how Richie died.
995%Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and
995% took his own life.
995%Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?
995%-- driving to the comics convention, ``Three Men and Comic Book''
996%Too bad you didn't come dressed as a popular cartoon character.
996%-- Lisa to Bart at the comics convention, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
996% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
997%Bart: Oooh, what's that?
997%Otto: My very own idea for a comic book, little man.
997% [unveils his conception of Busman, which bears a distinct resemblance
997% to Otto despite some anatomically awesome features]
997% It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night,
997% fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone!
997%Bart: Cool!
997%-- A Heroic Ideal, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
998%Radioactive Man: Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves that
998% I need to combat evil.
998%Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wished I was old enough to
998% smoke Laramies.
998%Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
998%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
999%Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his
999%bullet-riddled body was found?
999%-- Bart asks a pointed question at a Q&A session at the comic convention,
999% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1000%Bart: Wow, Radioactive Man #1! I bet it's worth a million bucks!
1000%Dealer: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for a hundred, because you
1000% remind me of me.
1000%-- A deal that's hard to beat, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1001%Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know:
1001%To buy that comic book!
1001%-- Bart, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1002%Bart: I need a hundred dollars for a comic book.
1002%Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michael Milangelo?
1002%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1003%Bart: I want this more than anything in the world.
1003%Homer: Well, T.S.!
1003%-- Bart wants $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No.
1004%Bart: Please, Dad.
1004%Homer: No! Now look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like
1004% this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. (It shows
1004% you've been paying attention.) But we all know I'm not gonna give
1004% you a hundred dollars. Now, are you going to stop bugging me?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: No.
1004%Homer: Are you?
1004%Bart: OKAY!!!!
1004%Homer: Hoo hoo! I win! In your face! Yeah, how do you like them apples?
1004%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1005%Young Selma: We'll give you half our allowance.
1005%Young Patty: Uh huh. But you have to be our slave.
1005%Young Marge: Oh, okay.
1005%Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time.
1005%Young Patty: Uh huh. Let's take up smoking.
1005%-- Marge wants to buy a light-bulb toy oven, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1006%Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
1006%Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. Your already taking care
1006% of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
1006%Lisa: She means should get a job, stupid!
1006%-- Bart needs $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1007%Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, a la Wonder Years] Me? Get a job? Were they
1007% serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my
1007% childhood had slipped away, forever.
1007%Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
1007%Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither
1007% did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we...
1007%Homer: Bart! Stop it!
1007%Bart: Sorry.
1007%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1008%Bart: Ching-ching-ching! [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received
1008% from Patty and Selma] [goes to the bank] Americanize this, my good man.
1008%Clerk: Okay.
1008%Bart: All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
1008%Clerk: Let the good times roll!
1008%-- Bart is desperate for money, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1009%Bart: There you go, Apu.
1009%Apu: Ah, very good. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a
1009% jumbo cherry squishy?
1009%Bart: No, not today, I need the dime.
1009%Apu: Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.
1009%-- Young entrepeneurship, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1010%Barney: Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this
1010% week.
1010%Bart: Beat it.
1010%-- No harm in trying, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1011%Cop: Hey, uh, do you have liquor license here, young fella?
1011%Bart: Uh, my dog ate it.
1011%-- Bart's one-time lemonade stand is now a beer stand,
1011% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1012%Dried apricots? Almond paste? Sauerkraut candy!
1012%-- Mrs. Quick offers Bart some sweets, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1013%[Asa pulls the pin, ready to throw the grenade]
1013%This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the
1013%boys in D company. Yeah... Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob. And Reggie. Yeah,
1013%even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to know hi...
1013%[*** KABOOM ***]
1013%-- And the rest is history, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1014%Woman: Jack, please, I'm married.
1014%Jack: [embraces her] Ha. Must be what's turning me on. [hot stuff ensues]
1014%Mrs.Q: Filthy! But genuinely arousing.
1014%-- Mrs. Quick watches a smarmy soap, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1015%Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
1015%-- Bart, Romancing the Comic, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1016%No, no, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch.
1016%Amputate my arm, but not the .... AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
1016%-- Bart is treated by Mrs. Quick, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1017%Mrs. Quick: Bart! You didn't say `Thank you'.
1017%Bart: Listen Lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can
1017% leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I
1017% am saying `Thank you'.
1017%Mrs. Quick: You're welcome!
1017%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
1017% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1018%Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money.
1018%Bart: Really?
1018%Homer: Naah.
1018%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
1018% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1019%Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
1019%Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was your age before I figured
1019% that out.
1019%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
1019% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1020%Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
1020%Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that?
1020%Martin: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home.
1020% I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake!
1020%Dealer: No way. [notices Bart] What do you want?
1020%Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five?
1020%-- Unsuccessful haggling, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1021%Bart: Look pal, we got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
1021% Radioactive Man #1. So why don't you just waddle over
1021% there and get it?
1021%Dealer: Yes, sir.
1021%-- Bart in charge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1022%Martin: I would've thought that being hit by an atomic bomb would've
1022% killed him.
1022%Bart: Now you know better.
1022%-- The gang read the original `Radioactive Man' comic,
1022% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1023%Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays,
1023% Millhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will
1023% take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
1023%Bart: Perfect!
1023%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
1023%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what Sundays?
1023%Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number
1023% generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Millhouse will
1023% have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
1023%Bart: Perfect!
1023%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
1023%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what 0?
1023%Millhouse: Yeah.
1023%Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined
1023% by Rock Scissors Paper competition, best 3 out of 5. How's that?
1023%Bart and : Oh, okay.
1023%Millhouse: Yeah, all right.
1023%-- An Equitable Split, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1024%Bart: Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
1024%Martin: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go
1024% to the bathroom?
1024%-- Crime and Punishment, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1025%I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows?
1025%-- Marge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1026%Bart: We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.
1026% We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
1026%Millhouse: What's your point?
1026%Bart: Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off.
1026%-- The moral of the story, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
1027%Diamond Joe Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests,
1027% I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the
1027% off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the
1027% good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
1027% [sign lights up, ``Relax. Everything is fine.'']
1027%Crowd: Aah. [applause]
1027% [sign lights up, ``Minor leak. Roll up window.'']
1027%Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
1027% [sign lights up, ``Meltdown. Flee city.'']
1027%Crowd: [scattered applause]
1027% [sign lights up, ``Core explosion. Repent sins.'']
1027%Crowd: [stunned silence]
1027%Homer: Hee hee. Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any
1027% power to light that sign!
1027%-- Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster Warning Sign,
1027% ``Blood Feud''
1028%No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's
1028%an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]
1028%-- Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, ``Blood Feud''
1029%Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me
1029%really hit the spot.
1029%-- Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the blood necessary
1029% to save his life, ``Blood Feud''
1030%I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions
1030%of dollars who needs our help. And you don't want to cash in?
1030%-- Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of his coworkers
1030% wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
1031%[showing Maggie flashcards] Maggie, look! What's that? Lemur.
1031%[slowly] Le-mur. [next card] Zebu. [slowly] Ze-bu.
1031%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
1032%Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu?
1032%Lisa: It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap.
1032% [indicating to Maggie] [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap! Hump and dewlap!
1032%-- Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
1033%Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
1033%Bart: Is it a Bible story?
1033%Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion
1033% who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it
1033% out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And
1033% Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is,
1033% the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
1033%Bart: How did a lion get rich?
1033%Homer: It was the olden days!
1033%Bart: Oh.
1033%-- ``Blood Feud''
1034%Burns: [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to
1034% dictate my epitaph.
1034%Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead.
1034%Burns: Charles Montgomery Burns. ... American... Patriot... American...
1034% Patriot... [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge
1034% of the despot! [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant! Hear his
1034% mighty name, and quake! [gets up] Smithers, I'm back!
1034%-- Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1035%Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye! Why, look who's here!
1035% It's ... good old... You!
1035%Man: Hi, Mr. Burns.
1035%Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes! How about that ..
1035% local sports team!
1035%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1036%Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar!
1036%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1037%You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and
1037%tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood
1037%of a young boy.
1037%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
1038%Burns: By the way, what was the lad's name?
1038%Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
1038%Burns: Who?
1038%Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs
1038% in sector 7-G.
1038%-- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, `Blood Feud''
1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%Summons. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
1039%-- Homer goes through the daily mail, ``Blood Feud''
1040%Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors
1040% can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on more lights. Oh, do
1040% something!
1040%Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler]
1040%-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
1041%Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even
1041%a lousy card! Wait a minute... there a card...
1041%-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a
1041% thank-you card, ``Blood Feud''
1042%Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do
1042% them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
1042%Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly]
1042% you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells
1042% and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
1042%Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.
1042%-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood, ``Blood Feud''
1043%Homer: Bart! Take a letter!
1043% Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my
1043% son's blood. And your `card' was `just great'. In case you can't
1043% tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last
1043% part back to me?
1043%Bart: `You stink!'
1043%Homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy,
1043% with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...'
1043%Bart: An elephant's butt?
1043%Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.'
1043%-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, ``Blood Feud''
1044%I'm with you, Homer! Fight the Power!
1044%-- Barney provides encouragement as Homer kicks the mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
1045%Homer: I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will
1045% be able to read it!
1045%Bart: Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
1045%Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo!
1045% You know the kind of letters people write. ``Dear somebody you've
1045% never heard of, How is so-and-so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
1045% Yours truly, some bozo.'' Big loss.
1045%-- On watering the mail to prevent a letter from being mailed, ``Blood Feud''
1046%Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you
1046% know my name and address and everything, huh?
1046%Postal Worker: That's right.
1046%Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]
1046%-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
1047%Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous?
1047%Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself] What in blazes!
1047%-- Burns hires a ghost writer, ``Blood Feud''
1048%Homer: [trying to disguise his voice]
1048% Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
1048%Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
1048%Homer: [brief pause] I don't know.
1048% [outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
1048%-- Trying to intercept a letter, ``Blood Feud''
1049%Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
1049%Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and
1049% your father is trying to worry.
1049%-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
1050%Burns: Who are you?
1050%Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.
1050% [aloud] Homer Simpson.
1050% [thinks] D'oh!
1050%-- Thinking fast on your feet, ``Blood Feud''
1051%I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is
1051%a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell.
1051%I'll just crush him like an ant.
1051%-- Burns plans his next move, ``Blood Feud''
1052%Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never
1052% believed it.
1052%Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it.
1052% We were just trying to scare you.
1052%-- Bart destroys the family, ``Blood Feud''
1053%In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you.
1053%`What's that?' you say? Me thanking you?
1053%No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much
1053%as you enjoyed reading it. The End.
1053%-- Burns finishes his book, ``Blood Feud''
1054%Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
1054%Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
1054%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has
1054% anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons]
1054% [to phone] Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going
1054% to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with
1054% an ice pick.
1054%-- Another phone prank, ``Blood Feud''
1055%Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
1055%Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
1055%Moe: Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems.
1055%Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch]
1055%-- But does it work? ``Blood Feud''
1056%We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable,
1056%utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
1056%-- Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? ``Blood Feud''
1057%Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here.
1057%Bart: Wow, a crowbar!
1057%Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.
1057%-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, ``Blood Feud''
1058%Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard]
1058%Lisa: No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly] Ol-mec.
1058%Maggie: [falls down]
1058%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
1059%Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing!
1059% Just a big scary rock.
1059%Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
1059%Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a
1059% good deed is its own reward.
1059%Bart: Hey, we a reward. The head is cool.
1059%Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
1059%Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've
1059% gotten anything.
1059%Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
1059%Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
1059%Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
1059%Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
1059%Homer: Amen to that!
1059% [laughter all around]
1059%-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, ``Blood Feud''
1060%Ned: Come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're going to fire up ol'
1060% Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy-nummy-num!
1060% [hands Homer an invitation]
1060%Homer: I'll be there! [sotto voce] Notty-notty-not.
1060%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1061%The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon.
1061%Incredible Ned-ibles.
1061%Maude-acious vittles.
1061%-- Lisa reads Ned's barbecue invitation, ``When Flanders Failed''
1062%Stupid Flanders. Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back
1062%and I was dead from not eating. They'd cry their eyes out. [mock crying]
1062%``We should have never gone to the Flanders'. Oh, why did we go to the
1062%Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?'' And I'll be laughing,
1062%laughing from my grave, ha ha ha.
1062%-- Homer really knows how to show 'em, ``When Flanders Failed''
1063%Hmm, let's see...
1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
1063%Naah...
1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
1063%Mmm...
1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON WINS SUPER BOWL]
1063%Hey!
1063%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
1064%Come on, Homer. I've got an ambition to do some wishin'!
1064%-- Ned Flanders, ``When Flanders Failed''
1065%[dreams of a penniless Ned]
1065%Ooh!
1065%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
1065% a `Going out of business' sign]
1065%Heh heh heh heh.
1065%[dreams of a grave with the tombstone, ``RIP Ned Flanders']
1065%Eh, too far.
1065%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
1065% a `Going out of business' sign]
1065%Mm! Okay, ready.
1065%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
1066%Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
1066%Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.
1066%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1067%Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend.
1067%-- Homer explains, ``When Flanders Failed''
1068%Akira: Hello, I am Akira. Ha! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
1068% That didn't hurt very much, because I know the ancient art of karate.
1068% [lying on his back with a giant rock on his chest, as two men pound the
1068% rock with sledgehammers]
1068% Karate focuses the mind and gives you self-confidence.
1068% People from all walks of life...
1068% Doctors...
1068%Man: Hai-ya! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead, in the process,
1068% breaking his glasses, which he forgot to take off]
1068%Akira: Home makers...
1068%Woman: Hoi-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
1068%Akira: Landscape architects...
1068%Woman: Haiiiii-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
1068%Akira: Choreographers...
1068%Man: Hoa! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
1068%Akira: High karate, at low, low prices.
1068%George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal!
1068% [smashes a wooden board with his head]
1068% [TV caption: Washington's Birthday Sale, $10 a lesson]
1068%-- TV advertisement, ``When Flanders Failed''
1069%Absotively posilutely!
1069%-- Ned Flanders' way of saying, `yes', ``When Flanders Failed''
1070%Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
1070%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy.
1070% Can we break out the nunchucks?
1070%Akira: Ah yes, the impetuousness of youth. For now, let us read...
1070%Bart: Akira, my good man, when do we break block of ice with our heads?
1070%Akira: First, you must fill you head with wisdom, then you can hit ice with it.
1070%Bart: Yo, sensei. Can I go to the bathroom?
1070%Akira: You can if you believe you can.
1070%Bart: [leaving] Pay money to read books, pffft. The hell with this!
1070%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
1071%Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
1071%Homer: No, I do not know what shaden-frawde is.
1071% [sarcasm] Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
1071%Lisa: It's a German term for `shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering
1071% of others.
1071%Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
1071% [getting mad]
1071% He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones,
1071% and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy
1071% thing of yours?
1071%Lisa: [nastily] Sour grapes.
1071%Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!
1071%-- Selbstverstaendlich! ``When Flanders Failed''
1072%Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
1072%-- Marge, ``When Flanders Failed''
1073%Homer: Hey, boy! How was class?
1073%Bart: Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him
1073% before he dies!
1073%Homer: Ooh. That'll learn him.
1073%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
1074%Ned: I think word of mouth is starting to spread.
1074%Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
1074%Ned: Oh, right as rain! Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh.
1074%Man: Just stamp the ticket.
1074%Ned: Oh, okay.
1074%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1075%Burns: And what's your name?
1075%Homer: Homer Simpson, sir.
1075%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'm Monty Burns.
1075%-- Pleased to meet you, again, ``When Flanders Failed''
1076%Burns: [reads an entry in the suggestion box]
1076% `Keep that handsome owner out of sight,
1076% he's distracting the female employees'.
1076% Oh, Smithers...
1076%Smithers: You got me, sir.
1076%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1077%Burns: Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!
1077%Homer: Um, Mr. Burns? ... [dreams of Ned's Leftorium store]
1077%Ned: [in Homer's dream] Come on, Homer, tell him about the store!
1077% I'm dying out here!
1077%Homer: Sorry, Flanders. [leaves]
1077%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1078%Ned: See anything you like? [at Ned's lawn sale]
1078%Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough
1078% for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello!
1078%-- Homer espies Ned's gas grill, ``When Flanders Failed''
1079%Homer: Hey, Bartly-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney?
1079%Bart: Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly!
1079%Homer: Heh heh, duddly-doodly.
1079%-- Talking like Ned Flanderoosky, ``When Flanders Failed''
1080%I'm sure did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.
1080%-- Lisa, ``When Flanders Failed''
1081%Chuck: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Chuck Ellis, from the Springfield Collection
1081% Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay
1081% your bills.
1081%Homer: Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many!
1081%Chuck: Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money?
1081% We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.
1081%Homer: I know, but... Wait a minute, I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives
1081% over there. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?
1081%Chuck: Ha. We don't make mistakes.
1081%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1082%Ned: At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace,
1082% but even the Good Book can't help me now.
1082%Homer: Why not?
1082%Ned: I sold it to you for seven cents.
1082%Homer: Oh.
1082%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
1083%Homer: Listen, Flanders, you still have that store?
1083%Ned: For two more days. [sniff] It becomes Libertarian Party headquarters.
1083% I hope they have better luck than I did.
1083%-- Fat chance, ``When Flanders Failed''
1084%`Kiss me, I'm left-handed''? [laughs] Oh, that's a classic! [laughs]
1084%Whoa! [falls off the table]
1084%-- Barney, bastion of balance, ``When Flanders Failed''
1085%It's all here, and it's all backwards!
1085%-- Homer hypes Ned's Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
1086%Burns: [talking to a tin can]
1086% Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?
1086% Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of
1086% the left hand of Burns!
1086%Moe: My life begins today!
1086%Barney: [wearing a `Kiss me, I'm left-handed' shirt] Wow, what an icebreaker!
1086% [two pretty girls kiss him]
1086%Chuck: Left-handed ledgers! Now I can write all the way to the edge!
1086%Akira: Ha ha ha. Left-handed nunchucks!
1086%-- Shopping at the Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
1087%Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends.
1087%-- Ned, ``When Flanders Failed''
1088%Hey, we're like the Waltons. We're praying for the end of the Depression, too.
1088%-- Bart reacts to President Bush's 1992 State of the Union Address
1089%Lisa: [wakes up Bart]
1089%Bart: Lisa! It's 6am! Something's wrong. Dad died!
1089%Lisa: No no, he's fine!
1089%Bart: Well, whaddya know, I'm relieved.
1089%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1090%Lisa: Bart, in two days, I'm going to be eight years old.
1090% It's a big number, almost double digits.
1090%Bart: Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the
1090% big one-oh. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good
1090% any more...
1090%Lisa: Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out?
1090%Bart: Sorry, this old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he.
1090%-- Pre-life crisis? ``Stark Raving Dad''
1091%Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hot-Line!
1091%If you haven't asked your parent's permission, naughty-naughty!
1091%But Krusty forgives you.
1091%($2 for the first minute, 50 cents for each additional minute.)
1091%[laughs and laughs and laughs]
1091%Thanks for calling, kids! A new message every day!
1091%-- 1-909-O-U-KLOWN, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1092%Marge: Bart, I asked you to watch your sister [Maggie].
1092%Bart: I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me!
1092%-- A likely story, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1093%Aagh! Pink?
1093%Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work.
1093%Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different...
1093%-- Homer finds all his shirts are pinko, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1094%Burns: Why is that man in pink!
1094%Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir.
1094% He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
1094%Burns: Simpson, eh?
1094%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1095%Burns: Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of
1095% free-thinking anarchist.
1095%Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
1095%Burns: Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already
1095% paid for themselves...
1095%-- Homer wears a pink shirt to work, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1096%Burns: Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here?
1096%Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity
1096% took months. That's all changed, thanks to the Marvin Monroe
1096% take-home personality test. Twenty simple questions that will
1096% determine exactly how crazy or [makes quotation sign with fingers]
1096% `meshuggeneh' someone is. [hands it to Homer]
1096%Homer: [reading] Print name? [moans] Oh...
1096%-- In triplicate, please... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1097%Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
1097%Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
1097%Homer: D'oh!! Oh, okay.
1097%Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson.
1097% [reads]
1097% I had a cat named Snowball --
1097% She died! She died!
1097% Mom said she was sleeping --
1097% She lied! She lied!
1097% Why oh why is my cat dead?
1097% Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
1097% [next verse]
1097% I had a hamster named Snuffy --
1097% He died...
1097%Homer: [takes his form] No deal.
1097%-- Death and Transfiguration, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1098%Bart: Dad, maybe you should do this.
1098%Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me.
1098% Remember that absentee ballot?
1098%-- On filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1099%Announcer: Our $50,000 home video finalists are...
1099% Man Breaking Hip. [sound of bowling pins, followed by a scream]
1099%Homer: [chuckles]
1099%Announcer: [chuckles]
1099% Dog On Fire.
1099% [doing a doggy voice]
1099% Ruff, anybody order a hot dog?
1099%Homer: [laughs uproariously] Oh, look at him!
1099%Announcer: And finally, Baby With a Nail Gun. [kachunk]
1099%Homer: Aww....
1099%Announcer: Cast your votes now!
1099%Homer: Dog On Fire! Dog On Fire!
1099%-- America's Stupidest Home Videos, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1100%Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices?
1100%Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV...
1100%Bart: [checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger?
1100%Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up!
1100%Bart: [checks] Yes. Do you wet your pants? Well, even the best of us
1100% has an occasional accident.
1100% [checks the remainder of the form `Yes' all the way down]
1100%-- Filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1101%Careful, men. He wets his pants.
1101%-- Smithers' instructions to security, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1102%Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot]
1102%Homer: Eh, the devil with his fly open.
1102%Doctor: Right. [shows another]
1102%Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're
1102% going to eat it.
1102%Doctor: Good. [shows another, which looks like Bart]
1102%Homer: THE BOY!!!!!! [restrained by two orderlies]
1102%-- I'm perfectly normal, really... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1103%Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
1103%Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method.
1103% [stamps his hand, `INSANE']
1103% Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.
1103%-- Does that mean he can come back for free? ``Stark Raving Dad''
1104%Homer: Who are you?
1104%Man: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons.
1104%Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons...
1104%-- Homer meets his cell-mate at the asylum, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1104% [A little meta-humor for your enjoyment.]
1105%Man: I can't believe you never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer.
1105%Homer: Oh, of I've heard of you! I mean, you'd have to be living
1105% under a rock not to know... What'd you say your name was?
1105%Man: Michael Jackson.
1105%Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
1105%-- I own a mansion and a yacht... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1106%Man: Well, have you heard of MTV?
1106%Homer: No.
1106%Man: Motown.
1106%Homer: No.
1106%Man: Beat It.
1106%Homer: beat it!
1106%Man: Thriller.
1106%Homer: What was that last one?
1106%Man: Thriller.
1106%Homer: Nope.
1106%Man: Well, how about this...
1106% [sings Billy Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab,
1106% and moonwalk]
1106%Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet?
1106%Man: The moonwalk?
1106%Homer: No, that thing with your feet!
1106%Man: Here, look. Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on
1106% the ball of your foot. [demonstrates]
1106%Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards] D'oh!
1106%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1107%Man: You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here?
1107%Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt.
1107%Man: I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed...
1107%Homer: What'd you wear?
1107%Man: One white glove, covered with rhinestones.
1107%Homer: [crosses his eyes and does that `bebebebebebe' thing with his lips]
1107%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1108%Lisa: Bart, in the split second before he died,
1108% I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present.
1108% Do you see how this relates to us?
1108%Bart: Hey, you want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it, Sis.
1108%- Lisa fishes for a birthday gift, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1109%Man: Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. Give him any two
1109% numbers, and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
1109%Homer: Okay. Five times nine.
1109%Floyd: Forty-five.
1109%Homer: Wow!
1109%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1110%Homer: I gotta call my family. Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling them
1110% from a nuthouse. I mean, they think I'm a god!
1110%Man: I could call them for you.
1110%Homer: Oh great. And uh, try to put a good face on it.
1110% Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.
1110%-- HS, Phone Home... ``Stark Raving Dad''
1111%Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
1111%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1112%Man: Hello? Who's this?
1112%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
1112%Man: I'm Michael Jackson.
1112%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1113%Man: I'm Michael Jackson.
1113%Bart: Michael Jackson? [makes scoffing sound] No way!
1113%Man: It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.
1113%Bart: Uh huh. And is Elvis with you?
1113%Man: Could be. It's a big hospital.
1113%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1114%Man: Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a
1114% lobotomy, do you?
1114%Bart: Hm... lobotomy...
1114% [begin dream]
1114% [Bart is playing in the house and breaks a lamp]
1114%Homer: [stitches on forehead still visible, wearing his pink shirt]
1114% [zombie-like] That's all right, son...
1114% [end dream]
1114%Bart: Well, there's probably a down side I don't see.
1114%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1115%[Bart jots down a message]
1115%Uh huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us. Needs us. Fears he may never see
1115%us again. Got it. [hangs up]
1115%Michael Jackson, woo hoo! I love you, man!
1115%-- A difference of priorities, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1116%Bart: Hey, Mom! Dad's in a mental institution!
1116%Marge: Oh, my God... Mother was right!
1116%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1117%Man: Don't you worry. Your family's going to be here before you know it.
1117%Patient: Forget it, pal.
1117% There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty.
1117%Homer: What's that?
1117%Patient: Dating a nurse.
1117%Homer: [whining] Oh!
1117%-- Escape from New Bedlam, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1118%Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house!
1118%Bart: No, Mom, you said poor house.
1118%Marge: I said crazy house.
1118%Bart: Poor house.
1118%Marge: Crazy house.
1118%Bart: Poor house.
1118%Marge: Crazy house!
1118%-- Den of iniquity? ``Stark Raving Dad''
1119%Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam ``Wrongly Committed'' Hot-line.
1119%All of our operators are currently busy. Please stand by.
1119%[Muzak is `Crazy', Patsy Cline's biggest hit (written by Willie Nelson).]
1119%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1120%Homer: [talking in his sleep] pancakes... football... boobies...
1120% pork rinds... waffles...
1120%Man: [to his stuffed animal] Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.
1120%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1121%Dave: So I was working in an insurance company, right? Youngest VP
1121% in the history of the firm, okay? The job was my life.
1121% Then one Monday morning, I got up. I got up, I couldn't leave
1121% the house. I just couldn't.
1121%Homer: Was the door locked?
1121%Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there.
1121%Homer: Was it raining?
1121%Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and
1121% crowds. Please, Dave, go on.
1121%Dave: Thank you. Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that
1121% long drive to work.
1121%Homer: Were you out of gas?
1121%Nurse: [glares at Homer]
1121%Homer: Pffft. Baby...
1121%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1122%Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution
1122% complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
1122%Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning
1122% our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
1122%Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!
1122%-- Springing Homer from the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
1122% ``Stark Raving Dad''
1123%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no
1123% threat to yourself or others.
1123%Homer: That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me.
1123% Can I have it in writing, please?
1123%Doctor: Of course. [hands Homer a certificate:
1123% This certifies
1123% HOMER SIMPSON
1123% not insane.]
1123%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1124%Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
1124%Man: Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily.
1124%Homer: You are!? Why?
1124%Man: Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my `Off the Wall'
1124% album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.
1124%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1125%Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
1125%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1126%Homer: [on the phone with Bart]
1126% I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days.
1126% [aside] Isn't that cute, he's heard of you.
1126% [to phone] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some
1126% beer on ice...
1126%Man: Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
1126%Homer: Are you you're here voluntarily?
1126%-- Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
1126% ``Stark Raving Dad''
1127%Bart: [on the phone]
1127% Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul.
1127% ...
1127% No, not even Millhouse. [hangs up]
1127% [intense, but brief, mental struggle]
1127% [dials phone]
1127% Hello, Millhouse? Can you keep a secret?
1127%Millhouse: No.
1127%Bart: Oh, well, who cares.
1127%-- I've got a secret, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1128%This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town
1128%since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that
1128%Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be
1128%henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.
1128%-- Mayor `Diamond' Joe Quimby, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1129%Lisa: Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join
1129% them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised
1129% to get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask...
1129%Bart: You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.
1129%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1130%Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me
1130%to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps
1130%if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant
1130%family reunion. But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [sobs]
1130%-- Lisa writes a letter to Bart, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1131%Bart: I can't write a song, I'm only ten.
1131%Man: Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records!
1131%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1132%Bart: Looney Toons, this is what Michael Jackson looks like.
1132% [shows an album]
1132% You're nothing but a big fat mental patient.
1132%Man: You'd be amazed how often I hear that.
1132%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1133%[to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March]
1133%Lisa, her teeth are big and green.
1133%Lisa, she smells like gasoline.
1133%Lisa, da da da Disa.
1133%She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a.
1133%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1134%Man: Oh, she looks sad.
1134%Bart: That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her.
1134%Lisa: [turns] Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look
1134% exactly the same even if you weren't.
1134%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1135%Man: Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight?
1135%Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike...
1135%Man: Good. That's good. [plays and sings]
1135% Your training wheels come off your bike,
1135% You start to notice boy you like. Hee hee hee!
1135%Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial.
1135%Man: [chuckles]
1135%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
1136%Man: [in his normal voice] Well, my work is done here.
1136%Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?
1136%Man: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer
1136% from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one
1136% day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this.
1136% [in his normal voice] All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me,
1136% and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it.
1136% To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
1136%Homer: Not me, I've got this! [shows his certificate]
1136%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1137%Marge: Bye-bye, Leon.
1137%Lisa: You're a credit to dementia!
1137%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
1138%Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
1138%Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling
1138%going on, folks...
1138%-- Bill Pie ``in the Sky'', KBBL traffic report, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1139%This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble. All talk, 24 hours a day.
1139%If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening
1139%audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin
1139%Monroe. The number is 555-PAIN.
1139%[Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone]
1139%Don't be afraid, call now!
1139%[Marge dashes for the phone]
1139%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1140%Dr.MM: Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of
1140% a marriage.
1140%Homer: Hey, turn it up! I love hearing those wackos!
1140%-- The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1141%Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist] Tell me about your husband, Marge.
1141%Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more
1141% romantic! ... [beginning to sob] And forty pounds thinner,
1141% and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently] And he ate
1141% with utensils! [breaks down crying]
1141%-- Marge calls KBBL, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1142%Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing.
1142%Marge: [pause] Oh, okay. Well, thank you. [about to hang up]
1142%Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up!
1142%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1143%Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother.
1143% You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
1143%Marge: Really?
1143%Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.
1143% Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got
1143% to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you,
1143% you will be leaving.
1143%Marge: Leave Homer!?
1143%Dr.MM: Please! Don't use his real name!
1143%Marge: Leave Pedro!?
1143%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1144%Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
1144%Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor.
1144%Moe: Moe's Tavern.
1144%Bart: Hello, is Al there?
1144%Moe: Al?
1144%Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
1144%Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic.
1144% Is there an Al Coholic here?
1144% [bar denizens laugh]
1144% Wait a minute...
1144% [to phone]
1144% Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out
1144% who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
1144%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1145%Homer: Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
1145%Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am! [huge belch]
1145%-- From someone who should know, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1146%Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the
1146% town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
1146%-- Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1147%Homer: [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers.
1147%Florist: What kind of flowers?
1147%Homer: Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
1147%Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55
1147% a dozen.
1147%Homer: [thinks] One, please.
1147%-- Think small, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1148%Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment.
1148%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
1148%Bart: Is Oliver there?
1148%Moe: Who?
1148%Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
1148%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver
1148% Clothesoff!
1148%Bart+Lisa: [laugh]
1148%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1149%Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree!
1149%Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive!
1149%Homer: It matters not, mon frere!
1149%-- A night on the town with the boys? ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1150%Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
1150%Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son.
1150%Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago?
1150%Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
1150%-- Just checking, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1151%Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a
1151%quite misunderstood and underrated family.
1151%-- Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1152%Aye-aye, Mambo-Man!
1152%-- Bart, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1153%[moaning] Oh! The Elves! The Elves!
1153%-- Quasi-Bart-o, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1154%Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more!
1154%Lisa: But I want to see what happens.
1154%Bart: You what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure.
1154% All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The End.
1154%Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
1154%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1155%The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
1155%If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
1155%-- ``Some Enchanged Evening''
1156%The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living
1156%room, while the bandit roamed the house at will,
1156%[TV pans over an empty house]
1156%stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for!
1156%-- Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1157%Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
1157%-- Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt,
1157% ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1158%Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski.
1158% You're the Babysitter Bandit.
1158%Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep
1158% your mouth shut.
1158%Lisa: He isn't.
1158%-- A little knowledge, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1159%Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you?
1159%Lisa: We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit! She's tied up
1159% at our house right now!
1159%Bart: Ask if there's a reward.
1159%Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
1159%Bart: Yeah!
1159%-- Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1160%Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice?
1160%Homer: Sure.
1160%Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
1160%-- Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1161%Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
1161%Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, you raised three
1161% children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger,
1161% you must be doing right.
1161%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
1162%Lisa: `Id', triple-word score!
1162%Homer: No abbreviations.
1162%Lisa; Not I.D., Dad, `id'. It's a word!
1162%Bart: As in ``This game is stoop-id''.
1162%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
1163%Bart: Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
1163% Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points
1163% for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. [gets up]
1163%Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right]
1163% Wait a minute, you little cheater!
1163% You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
1163%Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
1163%Marge: And a short temper.
1163%Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
1163%Bart: [making his escape] Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!
1163%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
1164%Pr.Sk: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
1164%Martin: And a sloppy speller, too.
1164% The preferred spelling of `wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R,
1164% althoug E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
1164%Pr.Sk: Good point.
1164%-- Either way, he's still a weiner. ``Bart the Genius''
1165%Now I don't want you to worry, class. These test will have no effect on your
1165%grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
1165%[looks at Bart] If any.
1165%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
1166%Remember to visualize the complex problem.
1166%And relaaaaax. The test will start... [looks around calmly] [yells] Now!
1166%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
1167%Bart: [reading a test question]
1167% The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe
1167% bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away.
1167%Ms.K: Shhh! [points to her head] Visualize it, Bart!
1167%Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white] At the same time, the local train
1167% travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix
1167% bound for Santa Fe. It is eight cars long and always carries the
1167% same number of passengers in each car. [Bart counts five passengers on
1167% the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head)
1167% and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5. The train travels through a numerical
1167% landscape.]
1167% An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of
1167% minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six
1167% get on. [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.]
1167% At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice
1167% as many get on as got on at the first stop. [Trampled again.
1167% Bart spits out a number.]
1167%Train conductor: Ticket, please.
1167%Bart: I don't have a ticket!
1167%Train conductor: Come with me, boy.
1167% [drags Bart off. Numbers circle Bart's head]
1167% We've got a stowaway, sir.
1167%Bart: I'll pay! How much?
1167% [the train engineer is... Martin! Shoveling numbers into the engine.]
1167%Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare
1167% Albuquerque to El Paso! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
1167%-- Math is Hell, ``Bart the Genius''
1168%What are you looking at, Bart! Are those naughty dogs back again?
1168%-- Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, ``Bart the Genius''
1169%Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning.
1169% We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly
1169% unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
1169%Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
1169%Marge: [whispers to Homer]
1169%Homer: Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner]
1169% My wife thinks you want to pay for it.
1169%Pr.Sk: That the idea.
1169%Homer: Oh.
1169%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1170%What do need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
1170%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
1171%Dr.J: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but
1171% as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt.
1171% [hands Homer a slip of paper]
1171%Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!?
1171%Dr.J: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen.
1171%Homer: [disappointed] Oh.
1171%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1172%Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers]
1172% Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
1172%Bart: Oh, you bet.
1172%Dr.J: Mm hm. Do you ever feel a little frustrated?
1172%Bart: All the time, sir.
1172%Dr.J: Uh huh. And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own
1172% intellectual development on an independent basis?
1172%Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man.
1172%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Genius''
1173%Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him.
1173%Dr.J: No, I think we should move him to another school.
1173%Pr.Sk: Even better!
1173%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1174%Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen?
1174%Dr.J: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity
1174% and environment.
1174%Homer: [stares blankly]
1174%Dr.J: Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
1174%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1175%Marge: It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more
1175% nutritious.
1175%Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he
1175% is today! [looks at the box] It must be one of these chemicals
1175% here that makes him so smart... Lisa?
1175%Lisa: [looks up from her granola]
1175%Homer: Maybe you should try some of this.
1175%Marge: Homer!
1175%Homer: I'm just saying, why not have geniuses in the family?
1175% Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
1175%-- First day of genius school, ``Bart the Genius''
1176%Bart: Oh no, ties!
1176%Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine.
1176% Here, let me show you how to put on a tie.
1176% [takes off his clip-on]
1176% The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there.
1176%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1177%Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may
1177%achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations:
1177%You may outsmart someone!
1177%-- Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children,
1177% ``Bart the Genius''
1178%Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
1178%Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him]
1178% Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
1178%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1179%Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm...
1179% mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
1179%Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum ``I dunno'']
1179%Lisa: [brightly] Nurturing.
1179%Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain.
1179%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1180%Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed,
1180% it starts at eight.
1180%Bart: [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight...
1180%Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead
1180% and enjoy the show.
1180%Marge: Homer, you're going, too.
1180%Homer: But I'm not a genius! Why should suffer!?
1180%-- ``Bart the Genius''
1181%Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor.
1181%Please use the cuspador.
1181%That's what it's for.
1181%-- Bart at the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
1182%Marge: Bart, stop fooling around!
1182% Homer, stop encouraging him.
1182%Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're to encourage him.
1182%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
1183%Homer: Who's the lard-butt?
1183%Lisa: He's the bullfighter.
1183%Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
1183%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
1184%Ms.M: So y = r^3/3. And if you determine the rate of change in this
1184% curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
1184%Class: [chuckles]
1184%Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr,
1184% or r dr r. Har-de-har-har, get it?
1184%Bart: [not amused] Oh, yeah. [forced laugh]
1184%-- Making math fun, ``Bart the Genius''
1185%It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.
1185%-- Dr. J. Loren Pryor, ``Bart the Genius''
1186%I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors
1186%before he invented the light bulb.
1186%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
1187%Ms.K: [blows whistle] Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a
1187% repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So
1187% I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you,
1187% Bart Simpson.
1187%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!
1187%-- It was like that when I got there! ``Homer's Odyssey''
1188%Oooh, sorry little dudes. Party hearty equals tardy.
1188%-- Otto, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1189%Bart: Hey Otto! Hey Otto-man!
1189%Otto: Hey Bart-dude!
1189%Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto?
1189%Otto: Ho! Funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up
1189% with this one. [lifts his sleeve]
1189%Bart: Cooool! I want one!
1189%Otto: Not till your fourteen, my little friend.
1189%Bart: [forlorn look]
1189%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1190%Please try not to shake the seat like that.
1190%-- Wendell rides on the school bus, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1191%Ms.K: Now class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the
1191% window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck
1191% his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck
1191% coming in the other direction.
1191%Bart: [arm tucked inside his shirt] And I was that fool!
1191%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1192%Lewis: Look, there's our school again!
1192%Ms. K: Otto, are you sure you...
1192%Otto: It's a shortcut Mrs. K, trust me!
1192%-- Field trip, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1193%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel!
1193%Mrs K: Bart! Not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the
1193% humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
1193%Bart: Can I pick the song?
1193%Mrs K: No! The song will be `John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man'.
1193%Bart: [moans] Oh no. [zips his mouth shut]
1193%Sherry: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson.
1193%Terry: Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.
1193% [they consult privately, giggle, then both lean over the
1193% bus seat and kiss Bart]
1193%Bart: Waaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
1193%Ms.K: That's it Bart! Oh, why can't you be more like... uh... uh... uh...
1193%S+T: [raising their hands] Us, Mrs. Krabappel?
1193%Otto: Yeah... Sherry and Terry, they know how to behave.
1193%S+T: [halos appear over their heads as they sit angelically on the bus]
1193%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1194%Bart: Da-da, da da-da, DA, Whoa!
1194% They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard. [ungh]
1194% And buried him in the sand. (oh yeah)
1194% And every locomotive that came rollin' by
1194%Ms.K: Bart!
1194%Bart: said
1194% There lies a steel-driving man,
1194%Ms.K: Bart!
1194%Bart: (lord lord, ooh)
1194% There lies a steel...
1194%Ms.K: Okay, Bart, that's enough!
1194%-- Bart sings as punishment, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1195%Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this...
1195%A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly]
1195%-- Nuclear Energy, our misunderstood friend, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1196%Uh-oh. Looks like there's a little left-over nuclear waste.
1196%[pulls out a hand broom] No problem!
1196%I'll just put them where nobody will find them for a million years!
1196%[sweeps the wasties under a throw rug and stomps them down]
1196%-- Smilin' Joe Fission, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1197%Sherry: Hey Bart! Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
1197%Bart: What does incompetent mean?
1197%Terry: It means he spends more time yacking and scarfing down donuts than
1197% doing his job.
1197%Bart: Oh, okay. I though you where putting me down.
1197%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1198%Ya know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and
1198%ones baked today!
1198%-- Homer enjoys some donuts, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1199%Supervisor: All right, who's responsible for this?
1199% [everyone points at Homer]
1199%Homer: [meekly raises his hand]
1199%Supervisor: I might have known it was you, Simpson.
1199%Homer: But sir, I...
1199%Supervisor: I don't want to hear about it Simpson, your fired!
1199% [looks up to catwalk]
1199% Oh, hi, girls!
1199%Sherry+Terry: [waving] Hi, Daddy!
1199%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1200%Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
1200%Homer: Those perfectionists, forget it.
1200%Lisa: How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.
1200%Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
1200%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1201%There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of
1201%industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.
1201%-- Marge, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1202%I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.
1202%-- Homer bemoans his lost job, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1203%Bart: Is Mister Freely there?
1203%Moe: Who?
1203%Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
1203%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here?
1203% Hey everybody, I. P. Freely!
1203% [the customers laugh]
1203% Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a
1203% hold of you, your dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.
1203%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1204%Marge: Are you all right, Homer?
1204%Homer: I'm fine, I'm just thinking.
1204%Marge: I've been thinking, too. You know Homer, you've always been such a
1204% good provider... but when we got married, even Mr. Burger promised I
1204% could come back to my old job any time I wanted.
1204%Homer: You think you can still do that line of work?
1204%Marge: Sure, you never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle.
1204% [at a drive-in restaurant]
1204%Otto: Hey Momma, where's my fries already!
1204% [Marge skates in, somewhat annoyed]
1204%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1205%Lisa: Dad! Eat something! [holds up a sandwich] It's got mustard on it.
1205% [Homer's eye view of the ceiling]
1205% [Bart leans in and waves his hand. Lisa also leans in.]
1205%Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
1205%Lisa: I don't know what else to do.
1205%Maggie: [pokes Homer in the eye. The picture fuzzes.]
1205%Bart: There's only one thing we can do... take advantage of the old
1205% guy. You've gotta sign my report card, Dad.
1205% [Bart takes Homer's hand and scrawls his name]
1205%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1206%TV Announcer: Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be
1206% back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
1206%Duff Beer commercial: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat
1206% around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer
1206% that makes the days fly by!
1206%Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
1206%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1207%Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
1207%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1208%[smashes open Bart's piggy bank with a hammer]
1208%Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank,
1208%and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer.
1208%Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... [counts] not even close.
1208%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1209%Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
1209%Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not.
1209% Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
1209%-- Homer walks down the street with a rock tied to his waist,
1209% ``Homer's Odyssey''
1210%Homer: Boy! This intersection is dangerous. Someone oughta put a
1210% stop sign here. [a beam of sunlight graces Homer's face]
1210%Marge: Oh, Homer, how could think of killing yourself? We love you.
1210%Lisa: Yeah, Dad, we love you.
1210%Bart: Yeah!
1210% [during Homer's speech, the sun rises slowly in the distance]
1210%Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now
1210% I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to
1210% face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until
1210% this street gets a stop sign!
1210%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1211%Chief Wiggum: Well it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a
1211% graffiti vandal know as El Barto. Police artists have a
1211% composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information,
1211% please contact us immediately.
1211%Bart: [looking at the `Wanted' poster that shares only a slight resemblance]
1211% Cool man!
1211%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1212%Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls,
1212% retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many,
1212% many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman
1212% ancestors, to the...
1212%Esteemed Councilman: Simpson! Get to the point.
1212%Homer: I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The
1212% other...
1212%Councilman: All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye.
1212% Approved, Meeting adjourned.
1212%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1213%If they think I'm going stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
1213%-- Homer becomes safety-conscious, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1214%Homer: But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a
1214% danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together.
1214%Lisa: What, Dad?
1214%Homer: I'm talking about ! [points at the SNPP]
1214%Marge: You mean your going to pick on your old bosses?
1214%Lisa: Wow!
1214%Bart: Gee, Dad's a hero.
1214%Homer: Whadja say, son?
1214%Bart: Nuthin'.
1214%Homer: That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I though I heard you say.
1214%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1215%He also brought you the speed bump [cheer!]
1215%The dip sign [cheer!]
1215%The fifteen mile per hour speed limit on Main Street [boo!]
1215%I give you the man who's very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson!
1215%-- Demonstration in front of SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1216%Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
1216%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1217%Burns: Look at that man, he has the crowd in the palm of his hand. I
1217% haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. [to Smithers]
1217% Who is he?
1217%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant,
1217% but we fired him for gross incompetence.
1217%Burns: Ah, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here
1217% right now.
1217%Smithers: But Mr. Burns!
1217%Burns: I said do it, now DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
1217%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1218%Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I,
1218%many of them incompetent boobs.
1218%I know this because I worked alongside them,
1218%gone bowling with them,
1218%watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.
1218%And I say... This stinks!
1218%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1219%Smithers: Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately.
1219%Homer: [still speaking through the megaphone] Privately?
1219%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1220%Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet.
1220%-- Monty Burns' famous words, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1221%Burns: Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical
1221% supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you
1221% used to be. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
1221%Homer: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more
1221% accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward]
1221% including a few doozies no one every found out about.
1221%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1222%Homer: [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety?
1222% This place could blow sky-high.
1222% Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now.
1222% Hey, this guy's desk sure is big.
1222% I can't let Marge support the family!
1222% This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen.
1222% What should I...
1222%Burns: Simpson! Time's up.
1222%Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job.
1222%-- A carefully-thought-out decision, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1223%Burns: You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just
1223% for your principles?
1223%Homer: Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched,
1223% but that's the lug your looking at... and I vow to continue
1223% spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of
1223% course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me
1223% the job.
1223%Burns: Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing
1223% indicates.
1223%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
1224%Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
1224%-- Monty Burns, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1225%Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog.
1225%So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow
1225%yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You
1225%have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us,
1225%and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The
1225%only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you...
1225%But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at
1225%this very plant, and a big fat raise!
1225%-- Homer's announcement, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1226%You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
1226%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
1227% Bart: Yeah, Oh yeah! yeah! oh Yeah!
1227% Lisa: yeah! yeah, yeah, Yeah!
1227% Homer: [running into the room, picking both kids up by the collar]
1227% Hey! What's the problem here?
1227% Lisa: We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
1227% Homer: [touched] You where? [sniff] Aww -- well, go ahead.
1227% [releases the kids]
1227% Bart: You love him more.
1227% Lisa: No, you do!
1227% Bart: No I don't!
1227% Lisa: Yes you DO!
1227% Bart: NO I DON'T!
1228% Homer: [growling] Look! You better get this out of your system right now,
1228% I don't you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
1228%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1229% Homer: Hhmmmm, marshmallows,,
1229% [helps himself to one, then belches a la' Barney]
1229% Marge: [standing in the passageway to the den, arms folded] Ho-mer!
1229% Homer: I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate flatuations (?)
1229% out of my system while I can, Marge. I don't want to embarrass
1229% myself at the company picnic.
1229%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1230% Homer: [looking to the kitchen counter] Are you sure that's enough? You
1230% know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin dessert!
1230% Marge: Oh Homer, Mr Burns just said he liked it,, [indicates with her
1230% finger] Once.
1230% Homer: Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the
1230% word [dejectivley] Bonehead.
1230%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1231% Homer: Okay, now look. My Boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
1231% you to show your father some love and/or respect.
1231% Lisa: Tough choice.
1231% Bart: I'm picking respect.
1231%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1232% Burns: Oh please please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good
1232% time. [to Smithers] Fire that man Smithers, I don't want him, or
1232% his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
1232% Smithers: He'll be gone by the Tug-o-war sir.
1232% Burns: Excellent.
1232%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1233% Homer: Ah, afternoon Mr Burns!
1233% Burns: Hello there.. ah.. ah..
1233% Homer: [whispering to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
1233% Smithers: [handing a record card to Burns] Here you go sir.
1233% Burns: Ah! Oh yes,, [reading the card] Oh, and this must be your lovely
1233% wife [pauses] Marge. [she smiles]
1233% Ho ho, look at little.. ah [consults the card] Lisa! Why, she's
1233% growing like a weed.
1233% And this must be.. ah, Brat!
1233% Brat: [unimpressed] Bart.
1233% Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
1233%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1234% Burns: [slapping forehead] Oh for the love of Peta,, that's all that
1234% anyone brought. Some damned fool went around telling everyone that
1234% I loved that slimy goop! [family taken aback] Well, toss it in the
1234% pile over there [pointing to several rooms full of GD], and... make
1234% yourself at home.
1234% Bart: Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch
1234% yourself.
1234% Homer: [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me!
1234% Burns: Trouble, Simpson?
1234% Homer: [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating
1234% the son on a fine joke about his old man. [nervously pats Bart's
1234% head]
1234%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1235% Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
1235% Lisa: Hey Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
1235% Homer: D'oh! [chasing after the two] Be Normal! Be Normal!
1235%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1236% Marge: Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
1236% Mother1: Your right. [turns on the TV]
1236%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1237% Homer: Bart! Lisa! [swans stampede Homer] Willya,, D'oh,, Where are are
1237% you kids! [Bart beans Homer with a rock] Ow!
1237% Bart: Oops. [Homer grabs Bart] Whoa, careful Dad. Blow a gasket, and
1237% you lose you job.
1237% Announcement over Loudspeaker:
1237% NOW HEAR THIS, THE FATHER-SON SACK RACE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES
1237% ON THE NORTH LAWN. PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY, REPEAT MANDATORY.
1237% THAT IS ALL.
1237% Homer: You remember the rules from last year?
1237% Bart: Yeah, shut my mouth and let your Boss win.
1237%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1238% Red-haired Mother: I don't know who to love more,, My son Joshua who's
1238% captain of the school team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead
1238% in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker,
1238% but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do?
1238% Marge: [helping herself to ample amounts of the punch] Umm-hmm. Well I
1238% sense greatness in my family.
1238% Mother1: family?
1238% Marge: Well, it's a greatness that others can't see,, but it's there, and
1238% if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.
1239% Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, [woozily] but I think there's a
1239% little al-key-hol in this punch. [scoops another cupful]
1239%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1240% Bart: Man, this is pathetic! I'm going for it!
1240%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1241% Marge: Here we sit, enjoying the shade.
1241% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
1241% Marge: Drink the drink that I have made.
1241% Wives: Hey Marge and pour the wine!
1241% Marge: He's here with me, my one and only.
1241% [Homer runs past chasing the kids. He sees Marge, ``Huh?'']
1241% Drink my friends and don't be lonely.
1241% [Homer slaps forehead, ``Oh!'']
1241% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
1241%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1242% Homer: Snap out of it Marge! You've gotta come with me, the Boss is going
1242% to make a toast.
1242% Marge: Whoa-oh, I'm not much of a drinker. [collapses]
1242% Homer: You picked a perfect time to start, you... [Marge gazes at him]
1242%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1243% Burns: Musicians, cease that infernal tootling!
1243% [Smithers hands him a palm card]
1243% Thank you all.
1243% [handed another card]
1243% ah,, For coming.
1243%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1244% Burns: [politely, smiling] But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get
1244% off my property, until next year. [dispensing with the niceties]
1244% I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten
1244% minutes!
1244%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1245% Homer: Quick Bart, give me a kiss.
1245% Bart: Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!
1245% Homer: Bart, Five bucks for a kiss.
1245%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1246% Burns: Look, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
1246% Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous.
1246%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1247% Homer: Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again.
1247% Father: What do you mean?
1247% Homer: Oh come on! ``[kiss kiss kiss],'' that corn-ball routine? ``I love
1247% you Daddy,'' Gimme a break!
1247% Father: I pity you.
1247%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1248% Marge: Homey! Get in the Car!
1248% Lisa: This is where you belong!
1248% Bart: Yeah Homer, room for one more!
1248% M+L+B: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!
1248%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1249% TV: Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependent
1249% on their mother regurgitating the food.
1249%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1250% Bart+Lisa: Hey!
1250% Homer: Look everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do
1250% better as a family. So tonight, we're not going to shovel food into
1250% our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the
1250% Dining-room table like a normal family.
1250%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1251% Lisa: Happy Dad?
1251% Homer: Yes.
1251% Lisa: Good, commence shoveling.
1251% Homer: No, [everyone stops mid-shovel] We're going to say Grace first.
1251% Bart: Ok,, [hands clasped] Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
1251% Homer: Grrrrr! No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can the chatter and bow
1251% your heads. [clears throat]
1251% Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we
1251% don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions!
1251% Pardon my French,, but they act like savages! [kids bewildered]
1251% Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did... you're
1251% everywhere, you're omnivorous.
1251% Oh Lord! Why did you spite me with this family?
1251% Marge+B+L: Amen! [Bart:``Lets eat!'' and they continue shoveling]
1251%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1252% Marge: But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here listening to you
1252% bad-mouth us to the man upstairs?
1252% Homer: I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
1252% town.
1252% Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
1252% Homer: D'oh,,
1252% Bart: Don't have a cow, Dad.
1252% Lisa: The sad truth is all families are like us.
1252% Homer: [standing up] You think so huh? Well there's only one way to find
1252% out,, follow me.
1252%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1253% Homer: Look at that kids! No fighting, no yelling.
1253% Bart: No belching.
1253% Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on!
1253% Marge: Look! Napkins!
1253% Bart: These people are obviously freaks.
1253% Homer: You think so? Well lets see what's behind door number 2.
1253% Lisa: What are they doing?
1253% Marge: They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each
1253% other.
1253% Homer: I wish I could hear what they're saying.
1253% Kid: Papa! I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
1253% Papa: I did too. Better get the gun.
1253% Lisa: Were's he going?
1253% Homer: Probably to get the old man his pipes and slippers.
1253%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1254% Bart: Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump!
1254% Homer: It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor
1254% sap's flower bed.
1254% Marge: Ho-mer, this is house.
1254% Marge: Are you coming in Homey?
1254% Homer: No, no. [depressed] I want to be alone with my thought.
1254%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1255% Homer: Another beer Moe.
1255% Moe: Whatsdamatta Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year. You're sitting
1255% there like a thirsty bump on a log.
1255%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1256% Moe: Eddie! Would you like some pretzels?
1256% Eddie: No thanks, we're on duty. A couple of beers would be nice though.
1256% Moe: That'll be two bucks, boys,, just kidding [reaches underneath the
1256% counter for two bottles]
1256% Cop2: Ah, listen,, We're looking for a family of peeping toms who have
1256% been terrorizing the neighborhood [police dog detects Homer, goes
1256% nuts] [to dog] Quiet boy! Let the nice people enjoy their beers.
1256% Ah, don't worry, this dog has the scent.
1256% Eddie: Hey? What's gotten into Bobo?
1256% Homer: Err, I've got some weiners (?sp) in my pocket.
1256%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1257% Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
1257% She said ``Homer, you're a big disappointment'', and god bless her
1257% soul, she was really onto something.
1257% Barney: Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got yourself a bad hand. You've
1257% got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
1257% Homer: [agro] You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them.
1257% Barney: Why? You got two that I haven't met?
1257% Homer: Why you! Here's five you haven't met! [punches Barney off his
1257% stool]
1257%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1258% TV: All-star Boxing was brought to you by ``Doctor Marvin Monroe's
1258% Family Therapy Center''. [Dr M on tube waving.]
1259% Wife: Honey, aren't you going to work today?
1259% Husband: No-o-o,, I don't think so.
1259% Wife: Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit
1259% it.
1259% Husband: I admit this -- you better shut your big yap!
1259% Wife: Oh you shut up.
1259% Hus: No, you shut up!
1259% Wife: No shut up!
1259% Hus: Oh shut up!
1259% Wife: Shut up!
1259% Hus: Shut up! [little kid enters the bedroom]
1259% Kid: Why don't you BOTH SHUT UP!
1259% Dr M: Hi friends, I'm Dr Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar?
1259% If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just
1259% family bliss, or double your money back! So call today!
1259% [dial 1-800-555-HUGS]
1259% Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the
1259% bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
1259%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1260% Homer: All right, time for a family meeting.
1260% Lisa: [snidely] Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
1260% Homer: Now look,, You know and I know this family needs help, professional
1260% help. So I've made an appointment with Dr Marvin Monroe.
1260% Bart: The fat guy on TV?
1260% Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Pro-Wrestling?
1260% Homer: Boxing, Lisa, Boxing -- there's a world of difference.
1260%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1261% Homer: Honey, I've given matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials
1261% I saw, his was the best.
1261%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1262% Homer: Oh come on Marge,, Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll
1262% actually get in someplace.
1262%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1263% Marge: 28.. 29.. 50. Twenty-eight dollars and fifty cents.
1263% Homer: That's it! That the college fund that we've been saving for all
1263% these years?!?
1263% Lisa: I guess I have needed a partial scholarship.
1263%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1264% Homer: To save this family we're gonna have to make the
1264% sacrifice. [Outside, Homer carries the family television into a
1264% Pawn shop.]
1264% Lisa: No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV!
1264%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1265% Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
1265% Homer: I appreciate that honey, but we need a hundred an fifty dollars
1265% here!
1265%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1266% Homer: [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this _lovely_ Motorola?
1266% Clerk: Is it cable-ready?
1266% Homer: As ready as she'll ever be.
1266%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1267% Marge: [despairingly] Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer,
1267% you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
1267% Homer: Hey,, No pain, no gain!
1268% Receptionist: Will you be paying by cash or cheque?
1268% Homer: Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here
1268% with me,, I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look,, check it
1268% out, [Homer realizes he could be making a big mistake] Two hundred
1268% and fifty big ones.
1268% Bart: You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where
1268% our TV used to be.
1268%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1269% Lisa: [forlornly] There go my young girl dreams of Vasser.
1269%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1270% Monroe: Hello, I'm doctor Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV.
1270% Lisa: We would if we had one.
1270%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1271% Monroe: Homer, what have you got for us? Homer,, Homer!
1271% Homer: Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
1271% Monroe: Well if you had been paying attention, perhaps you've noticed that
1271% your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure -- an ogre,
1271% if you will.
1271% Marge: Now doctor, that's not true.
1271% Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
1271% Bart: Right on Doc! Another successful diagnosis!
1271%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1272% Monroe: Whoa! Okay, so you want to kill each other,, that's good, that's
1272% healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.
1272% All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
1272% [unlocks a gun-rack with the therapy mallets inside.]
1272%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1273% Homer: Wait a minute, these mallet things are padded with foam rubber,,
1273% What's the point?
1273% Bart: They work much better without the padding Doc.
1273% Monroe: [hastily] No no no, that's not true!
1273%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1274% Monroe: That concludes this portion of our treatment.
1274% Marge: Are we cured yet?
1274% Monroe: No! Don't be ridiculous. You will be cured, but it's going to
1274% require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
1275% Monroe: Don't worry! I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up
1275% the... Electric Generator.
1275%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1276% Monroe: Everyone comfy? Hmmph, good. Now don't touch any of those buttons
1276% in front of you for a very important reason. Ie: You are wired in
1276% to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and
1276% they have the ability to shock... [Homer gets buzzed]
1276% Bart: Just testing.
1276%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1277% Monroe: No Homer, not yet! [Homer: ``Awwww'', disappointed] You see, this
1277% is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you
1277% emotionally, you will hurt them physically,, and gradually you will
1277% learn not to hurt each other -- at all! And won't that be wonderful
1277% Homer?
1277% Homer: Oh yes doctor! [zaps Bart]
1277% Bart: Ow! [presses button]
1277% Lisa: Aggghh!
1277% Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister?
1277% Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Arrrggh!
1277% Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Ow! [she retaliates]
1277% Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again]
1277% Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both]
1277%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1278% Smithers: Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
1278% Burns: Excellent! Excellent, [walking over to a power meter] Perhaps
1278% this energy conservation fad is as dead as the Dodo.
1278%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1279% Receptionist: Doctor Monroe! Your other patients have fled the building!
1279% Monroe: [near-continuous buzzing heard] Stop! Your damaging the equipment!
1279% [pulls the power supply to the Generator]
1279%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1280% Bart: Hey, nice hair Mom.
1280% Marge: Gee, I thought we where making real progress.
1280% Monroe: No! I'm Sorry! You're not! Please, you've just got to go.
1280% Homer: Wait a minute Doc! Your TV commercial said, `Family bliss, our
1280% double our money back.'
1280% Monroe: But that was just a... Alright [to receptionist, hand cover face,
1280% hushed/secretly] Get the money.
1280%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1281% Homer: Wow, five hundred smackers!
1281% Marge: Homer, how wonderful! Our first pleasant surprise.
1281% Lisa: It's no the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.
1281% Bart: You did it Dad!
1281% Marge: Excuse me dear, shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get
1281% our TV back?
1281% Homer: That piece of junk? Forget it! We're gonna get a new TV.
1281% Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so
1281% we can wheel it into the Dining room on holidays.
1281% B+L: Yay!
1281% Marge: Oh Homer, we love you! [kisses him]
1281%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
1282%Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
1282%Lisa: No there aren't.
1282%Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt-kisser!
1282%Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
1282%-- ``Bart the General''
1283%Bart: You sniveling toad! You little egg-sucker!
1283%Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more!
1283%Bart; Back-scratcher! Boot-licker! Honor student!
1283%Lisa: [smirking] You'll never get one now, name-caller.
1283%Bart: All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I, I got upset.
1283% In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
1283%Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you.
1283%Bart: No.
1283%Lisa: I'm a sniveling toad, am I?
1283%Bart: Not really.
1283%Lisa: I'm a little egg-sucker, am I?
1283%Bart: Of course not.
1283%Lisa: Then what am I?
1283%Bart: A beautiful human being.
1283%Lisa: [coyly] What do you like best about me?
1283%Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say...
1283% Your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
1283%Lisa: Well... [thinks] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will
1283% get a big surprise.
1283%Bart: [does so]
1283%Lisa: [gets up. The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box.
1283% Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves]
1283%Bart: [munching] Thanks, Lis. You're the best!
1283%-- ``Bart the General''
1284%It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake.
1284%-- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General''
1285%Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man.
1285%Bart: But...
1285%Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son.
1285% Now hurry up, it's time for class.
1285%Bart: But...
1285%Princ. Skinner: [shooing] Scoot, young Simpson! There's learning to be done!
1285%-- ``Bart the General''
1286%Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
1286%I'm not saying that I'm not a hero.
1286%I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.
1286%-- Bart, ``Bart the General''
1287%Otto: [at Bart's wake] Good-bye, little dude.
1287% [to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man!
1287%Pr.S: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face
1287% after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All
1287% that homework a waste of your time.
1287%-- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General''
1288%Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this!
1288%-- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General''
1289%Nelson: Put 'em up! [circles his fists]
1289%Bart: [raises his hands in surrender]
1289%-- ``Bart the General''
1290%Bart: Well, I had a run-in with a... bully.
1290%Marge: [bursts in] A bully!?
1290%Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa!
1290%Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
1290%Bart: I... guess I could do that.
1290%Homer: What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!?
1290% I'd rather Bart die!
1290%Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!?
1290%Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be
1290% a man. Let's see. [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle.
1290% Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything,
1290% unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
1290% What else...
1290%-- Rule number four: Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General''
1291%Marge: This bully friend of yours. Is he a little on the chunky side?
1291%Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
1291%Marge: Mmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
1291%Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
1291%-- ``Bart the General''
1292%Homer: You didn't expect that, did you. And neither will he.
1292%Bart: You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad?
1292%Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules
1292% a little in order to hold our own.
1292%Bart: Amen!
1292%Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch,
1292% you throw a glob of mud in his eye!
1292% And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers
1292% around blinded!
1292%Bart: [getting into it] Yeah!
1292%Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
1292%Bart: Gotcha.
1292%Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
1292% That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
1292% [punches the punching bag down low]
1292%Bart: [cringes] Thanks, Pop.
1292%-- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General''
1293%Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
1293%Bart: What can do?
1293%Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
1293%Bart: He is?
1293%Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
1293%-- ``Bart the General''
1294%Dear Advertisers,
1294% I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.
1294%We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter,
1294%resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment
1294%was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never
1294%want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny.
1294%Number three: Family Jewels.
1294%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
1295%Herman: [whispers] What's the password?
1295%Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
1295%Herman: Right you are. [opens the door]
1295%-- ``Bart the General''
1296%Bart: Uh, Mr. Herman?
1296%Herman: Yes?
1296%Bart: Did, did you lose your arm in the war?
1296%Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells
1296% you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
1296%Bart: [nervously] Yes, sir. I will.
1296%-- ``Bart the General''
1297%Herman: How many men do you have?
1297%Bart: None.
1297%Herman: You'll need more.
1297%-- ``Bart the General''
1298%The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.
1298%The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now know it.
1298%-- Herman, ``Bart the General''
1299%First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be
1299%nice and legal.
1299%-- Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully,
1299% ``Bart the General''
1300%Bart: Pssst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
1300%Grampa: Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts.
1300% And this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!
1300%-- ``Bart the General''
1301%Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
1301%Milhouse: No, why?
1301%Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of
1301% us for years, and I for one am sick of it!
1301% I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times.
1301% But the one thing I do know...
1301% [all the kids file out]
1301% Whoa! Whoa!
1301% I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
1301% [kids cheer]
1301%-- Give 'em what they want, ``Bart the General''
1302%Bart: I got a B in arithmetic.
1302%Army: I got a B in arithmetic.
1302%Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick.
1302%Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.
1302%-- ``Bart the General''
1303%Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
1303%Army: We are rubber, you are glue.
1303%Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
1303%Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
1303%Bart: Sound off.
1303%Army: One! Two!
1303%Bart: Sound off!
1303%Army: Three!! Four!!
1303%-- ``Bart the General''
1304%Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier!
1304%Boy: It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more.
1304%Bart: Your nerves! [slaps the kid] I won't have cowards in my army.
1304%Grampa: [whaps Bart] Sorry, Bart.
1304% You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff,
1304% you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for
1304% some reason you can't slap them.
1304%-- ``Bart the General''
1305%Bart: In English class I did the best.
1305%Army: In English class I did the best.
1305%Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
1305%Army: Because I cheated on the test.
1305%Bart: Sound off.
1305%Army: One! Two!
1305%Bart: I can't hear you!
1305%Army: Three!! Four!!
1305%-- ``Bart the General''
1306%Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
1306%Army: We are happy, we are merry.
1306%Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
1306%Army: We got a rhyming dictionary.
1306%Bart: Sound off.
1306%Army: One! Two!
1306%Bart: One more time!
1306%Army: Three! Four!
1306%Bart: Bring it on home now!
1306%Army: One! Two! Three! Four!
1306% One! Two! .... Three-Four!
1306%-- ``Bart the General''
1307%Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.
1307% You got the water balloons?
1307%Bart: [salutes] Two hundred rounds, sir. [holds a balloon]
1307% Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side?
1307%Herman: Urgh. I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck.
1307%-- Saturation bombing with a smile, ``Bart the General''
1308%It's a classic Pincer's Movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!
1308%-- Herman lends Bart military advice, ``Bart the General''
1309%I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never
1309%hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes. Thank
1309%heaven for children!
1309%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
1310%Homer: All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself cl--[oomph]
1310% [Homer is hit by a water balloon]
1310%Grampa: [giggles] Heh heh, got him!
1310%Homer: You! Up in the tree! The tall grey-haired kid! You come down
1310% here right now!
1310%Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon]
1310%-- ``Bart the General''
1311%Goon #1: Don't hurt us!
1311%Goon #2: We surrender!
1311%Goon #1: We were only following orders!
1311%-- A likely story, ``Bart the General''
1312%Article Four: Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger.
1312%Article Five: Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist.
1312%Article Six: Although Nelson shall have no official power,
1312% he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
1312%-- Terms of surrender, ``Bart the General''
1313%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
1313%Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun.
1313%There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the
1313%following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II,
1313%and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war,
1313%there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool,
1313%gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
1313%-- Bart's disclaimer, ``Bart the General''
1314%Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm
1314% late for work! [lift Maggie and looks underneath]
1314%Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to
1314% your neck.
1314%Bart: Did you check the den?
1314%Homer: The den! Great idea! [heads into the den. Bart follows]
1314% [Homer pulls the couch apart]
1314%Bart: Warm.
1314% No, cold.
1314% Colder.
1314% Ice cold.
1314%Homer: You know where my keys are?
1314%Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
1314%Homer: Grrrrrrrrrr!
1314%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1315%Marge: I'm sorry everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three
1315% of you.
1315%Bart: Well Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes
1315% over the past three decades to keep his...
1315%Homer: Bart!
1315%Lisa: Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
1315% [Homer and Bart watch Lisa trudge out of the room]
1315%Homer+Bart: Yeah! [exchange high-fives]
1315%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1316%Largo: [tapping on music stand] Lisa. [taps louder] LISA SIMPSON!
1316% [finally attracting her attention] Lisa, there's no room for
1316% crazy bebop in ``My Country 'Tis of Thee''.
1316%Lisa: But Mr. Largo! That's what my country's all about.
1316%Largo: What?!?
1316%Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of a car. The
1316% idle farmer whose land has been taken away by uncaring
1316% bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner caught...
1316%Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant
1316% people are going to be at the recital next week. Now class, from
1316% the top. Five, six, seven...
1316%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1317%Lisa: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to
1317% feeding time. So we sit around like cattle, chewing our cud,
1317% dreading the inevitable...
1317%Bart: A-ha! Food fight!
1317%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1318%Lisa: OW! Ooh, ow! Ooh!
1318%PE Teacher: [blows whistle] Lisa! We are playing dodge-ball here.
1318% The object of the game is to avoid the ball, by weaving or ducking
1318% out of its path.
1318%Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball.
1318%PET: Listen missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way
1318% of those balls.
1318%Lisa: [despairingly] I'm too sad.
1318%PET: Too sad to play dodgeball? That's ridiculous. [to the rest of the
1318% class] Now let's see some enthusiasm. Play Ball!
1318%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1319%Homer: Come on, come on, let's go.
1319%Bart: [as announcer]
1319% In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the
1319% undisputed champ of the town, Battling Bart Simpson!
1319% [whistles] whoopee, wo wo wo!
1319% And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48
1319% defeats... oh, correction, defeats, all of them by
1319% knock-out.
1319%Homer: Must you do this every time...
1319%Bart: Homer ``the human punching bag'' Simpson!
1319%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1320%Marge: They sent a note from school.
1320%Homer: [to Bart] What did you do this time you little hoodlum?
1320%Bart: I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove
1320% anything!
1320%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1321%Homer: [reading the note] Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is
1321% sad. [end of note] She doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears
1321% in her eyes.
1321%Lisa: It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry Dad, but you wouldn't
1321% understand.
1321%Homer: Oh sure I would, Princess. I have feeling too, you know, like
1321% ``My stomach hurts', or ``I'm going crazy!''
1321%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1322%Lisa: Sorry Dad, I know you mean well. [kisses him]
1322%Homer: Thanks for knowing I mean well.
1322%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1323%Bart: Gee Homer, it looks like you've got yourself a real problem on
1323% your hands.
1323%Homer: Your right... Uhh... Bart! Vacuum this floor!
1323%Bart: Hey Man! I didn't do anything wrong!
1323%Homer: In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know. Now hop
1323% to it boy!
1323%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1324%Bart: [sarcastically] Enjoy your bath?
1324%Lisa: No, not really.
1324%Bart: Oh, too bad. Well I've certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now
1324% I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.
1324%Lisa: [to Maggie] So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself.
1324%Bart: Hey! Don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my
1324% side anyway.
1324%Lisa: Is not!
1324%Bart: Is too!
1324%Lisa: Is not.
1324%Bart: Is too!
1324%Lisa: Is not.
1324%Bart: Is too! Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love
1324% best.
1324%Maggie: [hops off the couch, looks at Bart]
1324%Lisa: No Maggie! Come here girl, come to me.
1324%Bart: [shaking a rattler] Come on Maggie, the choice is obvious.
1324%Lisa: [beckoning her] No Maggie, don't go for the glitter, look for
1324% substance.
1324%Maggie: [looks at them both, uncertain]
1324%Lisa: [giving up] All right Maggie, just go to Bart.
1324%Bart: Egg-zactly, come to the one you love best.
1324%Maggie: [looks at them both, then walks away and embraces the TV set]
1324% -- ``Moaning Lisa''
1325%Homer: Lisa! What did I tell you about playing that saxamuhthing in the
1325% house?
1325%Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
1325%Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your
1325% blues if it'll make you happy.
1325%Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering, unless my
1325% fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
1325%Homer: Let's hear it. [Lisa clacks away] You just clack as loud as you
1325% want, Lis.
1325%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1326%Lisa: That was beautiful. What's it called?
1326%Murphy: Oh, it's a little tune that I call ``The `I Never Had an Italian
1326% Suit' Blues''.
1326%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1327%Homer: [in a dream] What the?!?! [Homer is a video boxing character]
1327%Bart: [his opponent] Put up your dukes, Homer.
1327%Homer: Agggh! Bart! Go easy on me! I'm your Dad!
1327%Bart: I going easy on ya. [pow] Your so old, [pow] and slow,
1327% [pow] and weak, [pow] and pathetic. [Bart winds up for the kill]
1327%Homer: No! Son! No! [the fist impacts]
1327% [wakes up screaming]
1327% Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
1327%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1328%You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the
1328%saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at
1328%most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
1328%-- Homer, ``Moaning Lisa''
1329%Marge: I don't know... Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs
1329% attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young
1329% woman.
1329%Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
1329%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1330%Lisa: [improvises]
1330%Murphy: Now now now, low B flat.
1330%Lisa: [jams down low]
1330%Murphy: Okay, Lisa. Altissimo register.
1330%Lisa: [another wild riff]
1330%Murphy: [applauding] Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself
1330% doing that.
1330%-- All you ever wanted to know about sax, ``Moaning Lisa''
1331%Murphy: My friends call me `Bleeding Gums'.
1331%Lisa: Ewwww, how'd you get a name like that?
1331%Murphy: Well let me put it this way... You ever been to the dentist?
1331%Lisa: Yeah.
1331%Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I've got enough pain
1331% in my life as it is.
1331%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1332%Murphy: Oh, I'm so lonely,
1332% Since my baby left me.
1332% I got no money,
1332% And nothing is free.
1332% Oh, I've been so alone
1332% Since the day I was born.
1332% All I got is this rusty,
1332% This rusty old horn.
1332%Lisa: I got a bratty brother.
1332% He bugs me everyday.
1332% And this morning my own mother,
1332% Gave my last cupcake away.
1332% My Dad acts like he belongs,
1332% He belongs in the zoo.
1332% I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid,
1332% In gra-a-a-de number two.
1332%-- ``Moaning Lisa'
1333%The Blues isn't about feeling better, it's about making other
1333%people feel , and making a few bucks while your at it.
1333%-- Bleeding Gums Murphy, ``Moaning Lisa''
1334%Marge: Lisa! Get away from that jazz man!
1334%Lisa: But Mom! Can I stay a little longer? Can I Mom, can I?
1334%Marge: Come on, come on. We were worried about you.
1334% [to Bleeding Gums Murphy]
1334% Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar.
1334%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1335%Kent: ... through downtown Springfield today gutting Symphony Hall, the
1335% Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts
1335% Center, and Barney's Bowl-o-rama.
1335%Homer: Waugh! [chokes] Oh no! [walks into kitchen] Marge! Marge, you
1335% all right?
1335%Marge: No, I'm very upset.
1335%Homer: Oh then you've heard. Oh God! What are we going to do? The
1335% lanes were kinda warped, but all the food...
1335%Marge: I'm upset about Lisa.
1335%Homer: [realizing] Oh, me too.
1335%Bart: Me three, whatawe talking about?
1335%Homer: Bart!
1335%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1336%Marge: Do you think you could be nice enough to your sister, Bart?
1336%Bart: Oh yeah, easy.
1336%Marge: You do love her don't you?
1336%Bart: [whining] Oh Mom...
1336%Marge: Well you do, don't you?
1336%Bart: [uncomfortably] Don't make me say it. You know the answer, I
1336% know the answer, he knows the answer, let's just drop it, ok?
1336%Marge: Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it, but you do have to have a
1336% loving attitude. Be nice to your sister.
1336%Bart: [reluctantly] Okey dokey.
1336%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1337%Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
1337%Bart: Is Jock there?
1337%Moe: Who?
1337%Bart: Jock, last name Strap.
1337%Moe: Uh, hold on. [to everyone in the bar] Uh, Jock... Strap...
1337% Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap. [laughs from all]
1337% Oh... wait a minute... Jock Strap...
1337% It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you,
1337% I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
1337%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1338%Homer: Give me some quarters... I'm doing my laundry.
1338%Clerk: Yeah, right. [gives him the quarters]
1338%Homer: [looks around] Where's the video boxing?
1338%Clerk: Over there in the corner. If I were you I really would use
1338% those quarters for laundry.
1338%Homer: [sotto voce] Wise guy.
1338%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1339%Howie: Ok, who's next? [every one raises their hands, `memememememe']
1339%Homer: [rising from above the crowd] No, me! No, meeee! Now listen...
1339% can you teach me how to fight like you do?
1339%Howie: No.
1339%Homer: Aw, come on...
1339%Howie: I'll tell you what. I'll do it if you'll bark like a dog.
1339%Homer: Whyyoulittle... Woof woof woof!
1339%Howie: Hah! You've got yourself a deal, Fido.
1339%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1340%Lisa: Ahem. [Marge waits for her to say something, but Lisa turns
1340% away]
1340%Marge: Now Lisa, listen to me, this is important. I want you to smile
1340% today.
1340%Lisa: But I don't feel like smiling.
1340%Marge: Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what
1340% shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother
1340% taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all
1340% the way down, past your knees until your almost walking on them.
1340% And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and
1340% boys will like you, and happiness will follow.
1340%Lisa: [feeble attempt at a smile]
1340%Marge: No, come on. You can do better than that.
1340%Lisa: [a much brighter smile]
1340%Marge: Aww, that's my girl. [rubs Lisa's hair]
1340%Lisa: [through her teeth] I feel more popular already.
1340%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1341%Boy1: Hey, nice smile.
1341%Lisa: Thanks.
1341%Boy2: Hey, what are you talking to her for? She's just going to say
1341% something weird.
1341%Lisa: Not me!
1341%Boy1: You know, I used to think you were some sort of a Brainiac, but, I
1341% guess you're okay, and...
1341%Lisa: Uh-huh.
1341%Boy2: Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice. You can
1341% do my homework.
1341%Lisa: [forced] Okay.
1342%Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's
1342%outburst of `Unbridled Creativity'.
1342%-- Mr. Largo, ``Moaning Lisa''
1343%Bart: I'll gonna knock you out one more time and that's it, this is
1343% getting boring man!
1343%Homer: [smirking] Try not to kill me too hard, son. Heh heh heh.
1343%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1344%Marge: I'd like your attention, please.
1344%Homer: Quiet Marge! This is my big moment! Bart the Bloody Pulp
1344% Simpson is on the ropes. He's hoping I'll put him out of his
1344% misery. Wow, you're in luck Bart! Here comes my right!
1344% [Marge pulls the plug] Oh, no!!!!
1344% My game! My game! I could've beat the boy! Marge, how could
1344% you! I was so close!
1344%Marge: I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly loud game.
1344%Bart: You're right Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce
1344% my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing.
1344% [Homer collapses into a whimper]
1344%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1345%Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've
1345% heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our belov\'ed
1345% town founder.
1345%Barney: How long will this story take?
1345%Bart: Uh... About twenty-three minutes and five seconds.
1345%-- Does that include commercials? ``The Telltale Head''
1346%Marge: Bart, assume the position.
1346%Bart: [turns and leans against the wall, legs spread]
1346%Marge: [frisks Bart]
1346%-- Leaving for church, ``The Telltale Head''
1347%Announcer: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose
1347% from the dead!
1347%Homer: Laza-who?
1347%-- Driving to church, ``The Telltale Head''
1348%Marge: [confiscates Bart's personal stereo]
1348% Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday School?
1348%Bart: Maybe.
1348%Marge: Can you believe this, Homer? ... Homer? Homer?
1348%Homer: [in the car, bashes his head on the steering wheel in frustration]
1348%Marge: [goes to the car] Homer, were you planning on sitting in the
1348% car until the [football] game is over?
1348%Homer: Maybe.
1348%-- Great minds think alike, ``The Telltale Head''
1349%Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
1349%Sunday School Teacher: Certainly not!
1349%Bart: Uh, ma'am? What if you're a really good person, but
1349% you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets
1349% gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for
1349% you in heaven?
1349%SST: For the last time, Bart, yes!
1349%-- Playing by the rules, ``The Telltale Head''
1350%Sunday School Teacher: [very tired] The ventriloquist goes to heaven,
1350% but the dummy doesn't.
1350%Bart: [raises his hand] Ooh-ooh-ooh! Me!
1350%SST: Bart?
1350%Bart: What about a robot with a human brain?
1350%SST: [at the breaking point] I don't know! All these questions!
1350% Is a little blind faith too much to ask!?!
1350%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1351%Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
1351%Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
1351%Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
1351%Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible.
1351% Who told you that?
1351%Bart: Our teacher.
1351%Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but
1351% what about those really smart ones who live among us?
1351% Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
1351%-- And work in nuclear power plants, ``The Telltale Head''
1352%Bart: Cool, man, Space Mutants 4. Let me off! Let me off!
1352%Marge: No way, Jose.
1352%Homer: Marge, they're only space mutants.
1352%Marge: Uh uh. I know what those movies are like.
1352% Killing innocent people, eating human flesh.
1352% You'll just get a lot of bad ideas.
1352%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1353%Bart: You guys are sneaking in?
1353%Kerny: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies.
1353%Jimbo: Hey, Bart, come on!
1353%Bart: But sneaking into movies is practically stealing, man.
1353%Kerny: Practically?
1353%Jimbo: It stealing.
1353%Bart: Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we aren't deluding ourselves.
1353%-- An irrefutable argument, ``The Telltale Head''
1354%Homer: [reading The Bowl Earth Catalog]
1354% Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie!
1354% Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his
1354% hard-won fifty bucks?
1354% [turns the page]
1354% Gasp! Now I've seen everything.
1354% Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler.
1354% The pins don't know what hit 'em.
1354%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1355%Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
1355%Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing
1355% in the world!
1355%Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad,
1355% so other kids will like you better?
1355%Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
1355%Bart: No.
1355%Homer: Are you!
1355%Bart: No!
1355%Homer: Then run along, you little scamp! [musses Bart's hair]
1355% A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
1355%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1356%A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
1356%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
1357%Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor!
1357% It will sends your pins to... Valhalla? Lisa?
1357%Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
1357%Homer: Ooh, that's some ball!
1357%-- Reading The Bowl Earth Catalog, ``The Telltale Head''
1358%We have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads.
1358%If anyone has any information, please dial `O' and ask for the police.
1358%That number again: `O'.
1358%-- Chief Wiggum's press conference, ``The Telltale Head''
1359%Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue?
1359%Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza [sic] just a statue?
1359%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
1360%There is someone out there in Krusty-Land who has committed an atrocity!
1360%If you know who cut off Jebediah's head, I don't care if it's your brother,
1360%your sister, your daddy, or your mommy, turn him in!
1360%[brightly] Krusty will send you a free slide whistle,
1360%just like Sideshow Bob's!
1360%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1361%[Caption: SPRINGFIELD: A CITY HELD HOSTAGE. DAY ONE (dramatization)]
1361%Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield, he was.
1361%[A cheesy documentary. Jebediah chops wood.]
1361%In 1838, along the way, he met a ferocious bear.
1361%[What is obviously a man in a bear costume appears.
1361% Jebediah discards his axe and wrestles the bear.
1361% The caption `dramatization' reappears.]
1361%And killed him with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E hands.
1361%[Jebediah wins.]
1361%We've recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably
1361%killed .
1361%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1362%Burns: [overcome with emotion] I love you, Smithers.
1362%Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
1362%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1363%Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles
1363% uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol.
1363%Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!
1363%-- Watching the school Christmas pageant, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1364%Maggie is walking by herself. Lisa got straight A's. And Bart...
1364%Well, we love Bart.
1364%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
1364% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1365%Marge: [writing] The magic of the season has touched us all.
1365%Homer: Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
1365%Marge: [writing] Homer sends his love.
1365%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
1365% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1366%Marge: A tattoo?
1366%Homer: A what?
1366%Bart: Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your lives.
1366%Marge: You will be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
1366%Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your
1366% own allowance!
1366%-- Reading Bart's Christmas list, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1367%Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get,
1367%and it makes you look so dangerous.
1367%-- Marge in Bart's dream of getting a tattoo,
1367% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1368%Bart: One `mother' please.
1368%Clerk: Wait a minute. How old are you?
1368%Bart: 21, sir.
1368%Clerk: Get in the chair.
1368%-- Bart gets a tattoo, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1369%Smithers: Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the
1369% following announcement. And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
1369%Burns: Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase
1369% safety here at the plant without cost to the consumer or
1369% affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled
1369% workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more
1369% thing: Merry Christmas!
1369%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Maggie: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%Homer: Hey, what's with this? [touches Bart's injured arm]
1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1370%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1371%Marge: [in bed, reading the shopping list]
1371% I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer.
1371%Homer: Huh? Oh, I love you Marge.
1371%Marge: Mm, Homer, you tell me that all the time.
1371%Homer: Oh good, because I love you.
1371% I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit
1371% card that won't set off that horrible beeping.
1371%Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus.
1371% I keep asking for it, but...
1371%Homer: Marge... Oh... Let me be honest with you...
1371%Marge: Yes?
1371%Homer: Well... I...
1371%Marge: [rubs his hand]
1371%Homer: I want to do the Christmas shopping this year!
1371%Marge: [hands over the list she was holding] Well, sure. Okay.
1371% [flicks bed-side light off. Homer's forced grin glows in the dark]
1371%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1372%Homer: [bumps into Ned. Their respective armfuls of gifts fall into the snow]
1372%Ned: Oh ho ho, Simpson, it's you.
1372%Homer: Hello, Flanders.
1372%Ned: Oh my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours
1372% and which ones are mine?
1372%Homer: Well, let's see.
1372%Ned: [picking up gifts] Well, this one's mine, and this one's mine, heh heh,
1372% this one's mine, and...
1372%Homer: They're yours!
1372%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1373%Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
1373%Homer: Wow. Can do that?
1373%Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]
1373%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1374%Manager: Do you like children?
1374%Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts??
1374%-- Homer applies for a job as a department store Santa,
1374% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1375%Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin', man?
1375%Homer: [as Santa] What's your name, Bart...ner? Uh, little partner?
1375%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
1375%-- Homer works as a department store Santa,
1375% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1376%You must really love us to sink so low.
1376%-- Bart admires Homer's working as a department store Santa,
1376% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1377%Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute.
1377%Clerk: That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security...
1377%Homer: Yeah.
1377%Clerk: ... less unemployment insurance ...
1377%Homer: But...
1377%Clerk: ... less Santa training...
1377%Homer: Santa training?
1377%Clerk: ... less costume purchase...
1377%Homer: Wait a minute...
1377%Clerk: ... less beard rental...
1377%Homer: But...
1377%Clerk: ... less Christmas Club.
1377%Homer: But...
1377%Clerk: See you next year. [closes the window]
1377%-- Paydirt, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1378%Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons'
1378% Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always
1378% happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened
1378% to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen
1378% to us!
1378%Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
1378%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1379%Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
1379%Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
1379%Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the
1379% same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have.
1379% Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will
1379% govern the prospects of my adult relationships.
1379% So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me,
1379% and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
1379%Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
1379%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1380%Don't worry, Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
1380%-- Bart's been watching too much TV, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1381%It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
1381%-- Bart, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1382%Bart: Oh, Dad, can we keep him?
1382%Homer: But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's...
1382%SLH: [licks Homer's face]
1382%Homer: ... a Simpson.
1382%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1383%How can you afford something like this, Ned? I mean, I get your mail
1383%once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
1383%-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1384%Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
1384%Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite---the VanStar 1
1384% launched last satellite.
1384%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1385%Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
1385%Bob: Four. One for each part of the chicken.
1385%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1386%Bart: Aye, Carumba!
1386%Lisa; This is better than our house!
1386%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1387%Bob: [running a credit check] [presses `Enter']
1387% [sirens wail and lights flash]
1387%Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
1387%Bob: You ever known a siren to be good?
1387%-- The only good siren is a dead siren, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1388%Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range?
1388% I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob.
1388%Bob: Take it easy, willya, huh? You'll ruin this feeling I'm getting
1388% from ya...
1388%-- Shopping for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1389%Simpson, you'll never own a better RV, and I don't mean that in a good way.
1389%I mean, literally, buddy. This is for you, you know. It's this or a wagon.
1389%-- Cowboy Bob sells Homer an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1390%Homer: Everybody ready?
1390%Bart: I hate this. I don't want to go.
1390%Homer: That's the spirit!
1390%-- Going camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1391%Ready or not, Nature, here we come!
1391%-- Homer takes the family camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1392%Bart: Turkey farm? Skunks? Slaughterhouse?
1392%Lisa: No. No. No.
1392%Marge: What are you kids doing?
1392%Lisa: We're playing ``Name that Odor''.
1392%Bart: Dad's feet?
1392%Homer: Bart!
1392%Lisa: You win, Bart.
1392%Homer: Lisa!
1392%-- Games to play in the car, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1393%Marge: Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
1393%Homer: Pffffft. Maps.
1393%-- Marge the navigator noties something amiss, as the RV drives through the
1393% woods, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1394%Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?
1394%-- Marge the navigator, as Homer drives the RV through the woods,
1394% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1395%Lisa: Mom, I'm scared.
1395%Marge: Don't worry. We all are.
1395%-- Safety in numbers, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1396%Homer: [speaking softly and slowly]
1396% When I give the word, everyone ever-so-slowly open the door
1396% and slide out. On the count of three... One...
1396%SoundFX: (*rustle*) (*rustle*) (*slam*) (*slam*) (*slam*)
1396%Homer: [turns around: Everyone has already left]
1396%-- Taking charge in a crisis, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1397%Lisa: [glumly] The Simpsons have entered the forest.
1397%-- But will the forest survive? ``Call of the Simpsons''
1398%Homer: Yes sir! This is a real adventure! Why, I bet there are people who
1398% would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like
1398% this.
1398%Bart: You mean like just did?
1398%-- The Simpsons have entered the forest, sans RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1399%Marge: Oh Homer... What are we going to do?
1399%Homer: Now, don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems.
1399% And you're forgetting---I'm an experienced woodsman!
1399% Now, you all stay here for a mintue while I go over this way to
1399% try to get my bearings.
1399% [walks away fifteen meters]
1399% [sits down]
1399% What am I going to do!? I've murdered us all!
1399%Echo: I've murdered us all! ... murdered us all!
1399%Homer: Shut up!
1399%Echo: Shut up! ... Shut up!
1399%Homer: D'oh!
1399%Echo: D'oh! ... D'oh!
1399%-- Echo Canyon, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1400%Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points towards
1400% the North Star.
1400%Homer: Heh heh, that's nice, Lisa. But we're not in astronomy class.
1400% We're in the woods.
1400%-- ``Call of the Simpsons''
1401%When you're an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things.
1401%It's like a third sense.
1401%-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1402%What are we going to do, hang ourselves?
1402%-- Bart watches Homer build a trap out of a young sapling,
1402% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1403%I'll go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out
1403%a rabbit. When he comes out, you step on him.
1403%-- Homer instructs Bart on his role in catching dinner,
1403% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1404%Are we there yet?
1404%-- Bart wanders with Homer aimlessly through the woods,
1404% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1405%Tangy.
1405%-- Homer eats a mouthful of honey---and bees, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1406%Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was
1406%impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language,
1406%and most of all, its indescribable stench.
1406%-- Newscaster reports that Bigfoot (Homer) has been sighted,
1406% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1407%We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.
1407%-- Newscaster interrupts to report Bigfoot sighting, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1408%No bears. We're taping! All bears off the set!
1408%-- ``Call of the Simpsons''
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%Bart: Are we there yet?
1409%Homer: Just a little further.
1409%-- Wandering aimlessly through the forest, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1410%Later, grizzly dudes.
1410%-- Bart bids farewell to a pack of bears, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1411%What the hell are you talking about, sir?
1411%-- Bart, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1412%Avenge me, son. Avenge my death... ZZZZzzzzzz...
1412%-- Homer (Bigfoot) is hit with a tranquilizer dart, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1413%Dr. Marvin Monroe: After extensive biological and anatomical testing,
1413% I regret to announce that our findings are... inconclusive.
1413% This thing may or may not be human.
1413%German scientist: Dat's what he tinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot
1413% himself.
1413%French scientist: Oh, no, I disagree. I think it is a man.
1413% The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence.
1413%-- On the capture of Bigfoot (Homer), ``Call of the Simpsons''
1414%Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go.
1414%-- Marge, after Homer is captured and believed to be Bigfoot,
1414% ``Call of the Simpsons''
1415%This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast.
1415%-- German scientist who examined Homer/Bigfoot, ``Call of the Simpsons''
1416% Marge: So how was the office birthday party?
1416% Homer: Oh, it was de-lightful! The frosting on the cake was this thick!
1416% [about an inch] And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant,
1416% didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of
1416% himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance.
1416% Ha ha ha..
1416% Marge: Does this girl like him?
1416% Homer: Phfft,, I have to warn you Marge, I think the poor young thing has the
1416% hots for Yours Truly!
1416% Marge: Homer!
1416% Homer: Just keepin' you on your toes, babe.
1417% Homer: AAGGGHHH! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE POUNDS!!! Ohh, I'm a blimp.
1417% Why are the good things so tasty? [with conviction] From now on,
1417% exercise every morning!
1418% Marge: You're not a blimp Homer, you're myyy big cuddly teddy-bear!
1419% Homer: [spraying mouthwash everywhere] Oh No! Two hundred and thirty nine
1419% pounds! I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack
1419% treats? Well, from now on, exercise every morning Homer! [does
1419% stretching exercises in front of the bathroom mirror]
1419% Marge: Ooh, don't strain yourself dear.
1419% Homer: Good idea Marge. [stops exercising]
1420% Homer: Oh, by the way,, This Friday night I'm going to be attending a little
1420% get-together with the boys at work. Eugene Fisk is marring some girl
1420% in valve maintenance.
1420% Marge: Ho-mer, is this some kind of _stag_ party?
1420% Homer: Oh No Marge! It's going to be very classy. A team trumpet [?] kind
1420% of thing.
1421% Marge: Mmmhmmm. Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant?
1421% Homer: No! My.. Supervisor.
1421% Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant?
1421% Homer: Hey, what is this! The Spanish Exposition?
1421% Marge: Sorry Homer,,
1422% Bart: Oh-ho! It's the femail ma'am!
1422% Lisa: Femail carrier, Bart.
1423% Bart: The Femail Ma'am:
1424% Lady, where's my Spy camera.
1424% Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera.
1424% Where's my Spy camera, Lady? Every day for the last six months,
1424% Where is my spy camera? ``Where is my spy camera?''
1424% Where's my spy camera?! ``Where's my spy camera?!''
1424% WHERE'S MY SPY CAMERA! ``WHERE'S MY SPY CAMERA!''
1424% HERE'S YOUR STUPID SPY CAMERA!!
1424% [thrusts a parcel at Bart]
1424% Whoa, thanks Ma'am!
1425% Homer: Bart! Waddaya doing!
1425% Bart: Sorry Dad, the answer to that is Top Secret.
1426% Lisa: Ewwww, gross. Momm! Bart was taking a picture of his butt!
1426% [Bart hastily pulls up his pants]
1426% Bart: Oh sure, like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.
1427% Marge: Now stop it you two,, and put on some nice clothes. Since it's just
1427% the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle.
1427% Lisa: Yaay, Fried Shrimp!
1427% Bart: Oh Mom, can't we just get a burger at...
1427% Only four of us? Who escaped?
1427% Marge: Your Father. He's having a boys' night out.
1428% Fisk Snr: ...and just as I was asking myself ``Where on earth did my seven
1428% year old boy get the money for a father's day present?'', I opened the
1428% box, and inside was little Eugene's... Baseball glove. [The rest of the
1428% stag party are bored out of their minds] He had given me the one thing
1428% that had mattered most to him in the whole world. Eugene, when I see you,
1428% the one thing that matters most to me in the whole world, married
1428% tomorrow, I'm going to feel just how you felt that day. [Father and son
1428% hug each other]
1428%(I find myself guilty of being sentimental to the first degree:)
1429% Homer: Where am I? The planet Corn-ball?
1429% Carl: Hey don't worry. Things will pick up once the `entertainment' gets
1429% here,,
1429% Homer: Ooh, Entertainment! [toasts his beer-mug with Lenny]
1430% Waiter: Ahoy! I spy the children's menu!
1430% Bart: Ahoy! This place bites!
1430% Marge: Bart!
1431% Waiter: So what's it going to be my little bucko,,
1431% Bart: A-huh-ha-hmm, let's see... [examines the menu] This evening I shall
1431% go for the... Squid platter...
1431% Lisa: [disgusted] Ewwwww!
1431% Bart: ...with extra tentacles, please.
1432% Waiter: [fried shrimp for Lisa] Here you go,,
1432% [pork chop a la' Hawaiian] There you are,,
1432% [a smaller serving of Fried shrimp] For the Baby,,
1432% [to Bart] And one Squid platter, tentacles.
1432% Bart: Heh heh... Urrggghh... [turns green and drops below the table]
1432% Marge: Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner!
1432% Lisa: [taunting] Yeah, eat it Bart.
1432% Bart: May I please be excused for a minute..
1432% Marge: Well okay, but don't dawdle,, your food will get cold.
1432% Bart: Urgh. [leaves the table]
1433% Fisk Snr: I'll tell you this my boy,, We're in hell.
1434%[End of Act One?]
1435% Martin: The meeting of the future photographers of America is now in session.
1435% We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson.
1435% [other members of the club start clapping]
1435% Bart: People, people! Ah, don't applaud,, Let's get to work.
1436% Martin: My goodness! Quite exciting!
1436% Girl: Extremely sensual,,
1436% Boy wearing glasses: The subtle greytones recall the work of Heilmich Newton,,
1436% Martin: Who's the sexy lady, Bart?
1436% Bart: [hanging up the photo to dry] Beats me, but the guy dancing with her
1436% s'my Pop.
1436% All: Wow!
1436% Boy: [making a closer inspection of the photo] He brings to mind the
1436% [intelligible] of Diane Arbut.
1436% Martin: Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork. [the other
1436% kids plead also]
1436% Bart: Sorry guys. No can do.
1437% Milhouse: Come on Bart,, You're gonna make me a print aren't you?
1437% Bart: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this
1437% photo?
1437% Milhouse: Ok.
1437% Bart: Cross your heart and hope to die?
1437% Milhouse: Yep.
1437% Bart: Stick a needle in your eye?
1437% Milhouse: Yep.
1437% Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh?
1437% Milhouse: Yep.
1437% Bart: Eat a Horse-manure pie?
1437% Milhouse: [gulps] Yep.
1437% Bart: Well, Okay.
1438% Burns: His name?
1438% Smithers: [holding a copy of the incriminating photo] Homer Simpson sir, a
1438% low-level employee in sector 7G.
1438% Burns: Simpson, eh? A family man?
1438% Smithers: Wife and three kids, sir.
1438% Burns: I would like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning,
1438% Smithers.
1439% Apu: You look familiar sir,, Are you on the television or something?
1439% Homer: Sorry buddy, you've got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
1440% Man: [waving his thumbs] Hey hey! Looking good!
1440% Homer: What do you want pal?
1440% Kid: Hey Mister! [to the tune of the `Arabian Snake Charmer']
1440% Do-do Do Do Do, Do-dee Do-dee Do-dee Do.
1440% Homer: Well a Do-dee Do Do to you too, pintsized.
1440% [circling his ear] Eessh, you've got a lot of nutcases in here.
1440% Apu: Oh sir, I've seen things you can't imagine.
1441% Marge: [thrusting a copy of the photograph in his face]
1441% What is the of this!
1441% Homer: Whyarreeuumpht,, Meaningless! Marge,, Don't even attempt to find
1441% meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Chasmire!
1441% Marge: Princess WHO? [Bart appears]
1441% Bart: Hey, my photo!
1441% Homer&Marge: YOUR PHOTO!!
1441% Bart: Oh-ho.
1441% Homer: Why you little.. [he goes to strangle Bart, but Marge reaches Homer's
1441% neck first]
1441% Marge: Why you big..
1441% Bart! Go to your room!
1441% Bart: I'm outta here,,
1442% Homer: Look, Marge.. Honey.. Baby.. Doll..
1442% Marge: [turning her back, folding her arms] Homer, I don't even want to look
1442% at you right now.
1442% Homer: What are you saying honey? [Marge points him outside] But where will
1442% I sleep?
1442% Marge: [shaking angrily] My suggestion is you sleep in the filth you created!
1442% Homer: Will a motel be ok? [Marge slams the front door in his face]
1443% Marge: Here,, If you have any soul left, you'll need these.. I know I will.
1444%[End of Act 1]
1445% Moe: Whaddamatta Homer? It's the hottest ladies night in months and you're
1445% not even checking out the action.
1445% Homer: Oh Moe, my wife gave me the ol' heave-ho because of some lousy
1445% picture.
1445% Moe: [pointing to a copy behind him] What, this one?
1445% Homer: D'oh!
1446% Barney: So, where are you staying tonight Homer?
1446% Homer: Motel, I guess.
1446% Barney: Oh No! No pal of mine is going to stay in some dingy flop house!
1447% Barney: If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's a open beer in
1447% the fridge.
1448% Homer: Look Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is
1448% my house. Someone must of left the porch light on.
1448% Barney: Hey, that's rough pal. [using the phone] Hello, Marge? You left
1448% your damned porch light on! Homer isn't made of money you know!
1448% Marge: [heard through the phone's earpiece] What is this?
1448% Homer: [grabbing the phone] Don't listen to him Marge! He...
1448% Marge: It's you.. Hummph. [hangs up the phone with a slam]
1449% Barney: There's a party down the hall. You know this apartment complex
1449% really caters for up-scale singles like me. [belches]
1449% Homer: No thank you Barney, I just want to crawl into bed.
1450% Lisa: [whispering to Bart] I wonder when Dad's coming home?
1450% [forlorn look from Marge]
1451% Burns: What in blue-blazes do you think you're doing Simpson?
1451% Homer: What do you mean sir?
1451% Burns: [showing Homer the photo] I mean this! [Homer gasps] A plant
1451% employee carrying on like a over-sexed organutan in heat! This is a
1451% family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over
1451% fifty percent of our power is used by _women_. [angrily] I will not
1451% have you offending my customers with your bawdy shangegings!
1451% Homer: [pleading across the table] It's won't happen again sir, I promise!
1451% May I get out of your sight now?
1451% Burns: Just a second Simpson! Smithers, will you leave the room for a
1451% minute?
1451% Smithers: Yes sir.
1452% Burns: [sadly] Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man,, I have
1452% wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk.
1452% And yet, I've lead a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to
1452% me. You, seem to have a way with women, [gets up from chair and
1452% stands by the office window, looking outward] a certain, how should I
1452% put it.. Animal magneteasum [sic]. [begging] Help me Simpson, tell me
1452% your secret,,
1452% Homer: Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
1452% Burns: [pleasantly] Simpson, I'm asking you nicely...
1452% Homer: I don't really know, sir.
1452% Burns: SIMPSON!
1452% Homer: Well oh, wait a minute... Dine them, [Monty listens eagerly] Bring
1452% them flowers.. Write them love poetry.. sir.
1452% Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this Simpson,,
1452% [angrily] Now return to your work! ...and tell no one of what
1452% transpired here.
1453% Homer: [poking his head around the door] Anybody home?
1453% Lisa: [quietly] Hi daddy. [Bart, Lisa and Maggie embrace him]
1453% Bart: Welcome back, Dad.
1453% Homer: How's your mom?
1453% Lisa: Still kinda ticked off.
1453% Bart: Yeah, Good luck man.
1454% Homer: Hello Marge? It's me, Homer. Are you still mad? [sees Marge's face]
1454% You are still mad. Don't need to say it, I'm your loving husband, I
1454% can read you like a book. [goes to the fridge] I'll just have some
1454% milk. [using a glass] Look! I'm not drinking out of the carton!
1454% [he breaks down] Come on Marge! Please forgive me! [gets down on his
1454% knees] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry,,
1454% Marge: [with contempt] Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing.
1454% Homer: Yes I do,, because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.
1455% Marge: I've been thinking Homer, and you know what bothers me most about this
1455% whole thing? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes
1455% you.
1455% Homer: Oh, he does not.
1455% Marge: Yes he does Homer, and when he sees you treating women as objects,
1455% he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than
1455% that, Homer.
1455% Homer: So, what should I do? Marge?
1455% Marge: Well.. I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly-person.
1455% I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and
1455% real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you
1455% treated her.
1455% Homer: [gladdened] Ok, your wish is my command my litt..
1455% Marge: DO IT!
1456% Usher: Princess Chasmire? You must mean April Flowers,, She's working over
1456% at the Girlesque.
1457% Homer: ...you see, I'm trying to teach my son here [looks to Bart] about
1457% treating women as objects.
1457% Attendant: That's a good idea,, but April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight.
1458% Fat guy: Just let me say.. It is an to have Springfield's number one
1458% swinger here with us..
1458% Homer: Skip that! I'm teaching my boy a lesson,, Is she here or not?
1459% Homer: Hey Princess! It's me! The guy from the snap shot!
1459% PC: [not very enthusiastically] Oh, hi.
1459% Homer: Look,, I'm hear because I want to apologize for treating you like an
1459% object. (PC: ``Uh-huh'') I also want my boy to find out that you're
1459% more than just a belly. I want to meet the woman behind all the
1459% spangles and glitter, and find out that she has thought and feelings
1459% too.
1459% PC: Uh, ho, Okay, but can we make it quick?
1459% Bart: Nice to meet you ma'am. [waves]
1459% Homer: Could you tell him a little about yourself?
1459% Shauna: Well, um, my real name is Shauna Tifton, [the cage that Homer and she
1459% are in starts ascending] My pet peeve is rude people,, and my
1459% turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace..
1459% Homer: Thank you very much ma'am, we'll be on our.. Arrrrrgh!
1460% Burns: How does he do it, Smithers?
1460% Smithers: He's a love machine, sir.
1461% Homer: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the music! Quiet please!
1461% I have something to say,, Quiet!
1462% Marge: Oh no, he's sunk even lower,,
1463% Homer: I have something to say to all the sons out there,, to all the boys,
1463% to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not
1463% mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No,, they are our wives,
1463% they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our
1463% nieces and nephews,, well, not our nephews. They are our mothers, and
1463% you know something folks... As ridiculous as this sounds, I would
1463% rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my
1463% neck as I sleep, than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's
1463% G-string. Am I wrong,, or am I right?
1464% Bart: Alright folks, the show's over! No more to see, folks, come on.
1464% Only sick people want to see my folks kiss!
1465% Lisa: This is going to be the best birthday breakfast Mom's ever had!
1465% Bart: [looking to a stack of 42 pancakes] Hey Lis, you think that's enough
1465% for her?
1465% Lisa: Maybe one more.
1466% Lisa: I hope she likes the presents we got her.
1466% Bart: [picks up a large jug with the label "French Perfume" (in English)]
1466% Well I know she'll like mine. Who wouldn't like a bottle of real
1466% French perfume? -- all the way from gay Pari! Four bucks, plus tax.
1466% Lisa: Well I think she's gonna like my hand-made birthday card better.
1466% Bart: [unimpressed] Whoa, big deal,, Dry macaroni, spray-painted glue...
1466% whoopee.
1467% Bart: First I get to lick the beaters! [Lisa hands him the electric mixer]
1467% Whago, agh agh aghh! Wisea! Mugh humgb ipht im dapt beiter,
1467% Mugh Humgb!
1468% Bart+Lisa: HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY!
1468% Homer: [alarmed] Aaggh! Whaa.. Waght!
1468% Lisa: Here's your birthday breakfast!
1468% Marge: [delighted] Oh! Kids, that's nice!
1469% Homer: My birthday?
1469% Lisa: No!
1469% Homer: It's my birthday! What did I get? I birthdays!
1469% Marge: [angrily] No Homer, it's mine!
1469% Bart: You don't even know your own wife's birthday?
1469% Homer: Wooha... Of course I know. Sure,, [nudges Marge with his elbow]
1469% You really thought I'd forgot, didn't you? [steps out of bed]
1469% Bart: Oh right.. What did you get her Dad?
1469% Lisa: Yeah, waddidya get?
1469% Homer: [getting dressed] A very... thoughtful gift,, but it's a surprise!
1469% [stretches] You know it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll
1469% take a little stroll around the block.
1470% Lisa: I think he forgot Mom.
1470% Marge: [indignantly] Hmmmmm...
1471% Homer: Oh no,, Come on come on, open up!
1471% Security Guard: Good morning consumers, the Springfield Mall is now open for
1471% your spending needs.
1472% Marge: Patty, he's out buying me something right now.
1472% Patty: Oh Marge, he never gets you anything you want. He always gets
1472% something for himself.
1472% Selma: [mumbles] The tackle box,,
1472% Patty: Remember when he got you the tackle box?
1472% Selma: [mumbles] ...and the Chung calendar.
1472% Patty: And when he `surprised' you with the Connie Chung calendar?
1472% Marge: I'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately.
1473% Marge: Well Homer and I had a lovely dining experience at Chez Perrie,, or
1473% the Rusty Barnacle is nice.
1473% Patty: No no no... We want to take you someplace fun! The Singing Sirloin!
1473% Marge: [gloomy] The place where the waiters sing.
1474% Marge: Homer, we're having dinner tonight at `The Singing Sirloin'.
1474% Homer: Ah, sounds delightful. Just you and me, and the Matre'd.
1474% Marge: And the kids.
1474% Homer: Fair enough.
1474% Marge: And my sisters.
1474% Homer: D'oh!
1475% Marge: Ohh,, Perfume! [opens the bottle and sniffs]
1475% Whoeew! [courteously] Hmm, thank you Bart.
1475% Bart: You're welcome Mom!
1476% Patty: Thirty-four years old...
1476% Selma: Time enough to start over with a new man.
1476% Patty: Someone how eats with his mouth shut.
1476% Homer: [wearing a bib, talking with his mouth full] What's that Patty?
1476% Patty: Nothing, just finish your steak. [to Selma] Look at him woof down
1476% that gristle.
1476% Selma: Ah-hmm,, It's an accident waiting to happen.
1476% Patty: You know the Hiemlich manoeuvre?
1476% Selma: No.
1476% Patty: Good.
1477% Lisa: I think she likes my peanut butter.
1477% Bart: Does not!
1477% Lisa: Does to!
1477% Bart: Does not!
1477% Lisa: Does to!
1477% Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume?
1477% Bart: [worried] Yeah,, Hey Mom, how come you're not putting on any of my
1477% perfume?
1477% Marge: [diplomatically] Well I'm saving it,, for a special occasion.
1477% Bart: What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it!
1477% [Homer barks]
1477% Marge: But this occasion is already so special, if we make it any more
1477% special, we might end up making it less special.
1477% Bart: Gotcha! [to Lisa] I told you she liked mine better.
1477% Lisa: Oh brother.
1478% Homer: Hold on, hold on. Your mother hasn't opened present yet.
1479% Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off. [looking to the
1479% bowling ball] Beauty, isn't she?
1479% Marge: Well it's hard for me to judge, SINCE I'VE NEVER BOWLED IN MY LIFE!
1479% Homer: Well if you don't want it, I know someone how does...
1480% Homer: You always say we should talk, I'm talking right now as a matter of
1480% fact. But I'm going to stop in a second, so please, say something
1480% back Marge, please? I'm going to stop talking... now.
1480% Marge: You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me.
1480% Homer: What!?! No!
1480% Marge: The holes where drilled for your fingers
1480% Homer: But I wanted to surprise you,, [derisively] I couldn't very well
1480% chop your hand off and bring it the store, could I?
1480% Marge: You never intended for me to use that ball.
1480% Homer: Well, if that's how you feel I'll take it back.
1480% Marge: You can't take it back, you had your name engraved on it!
1480% Homer: So you would know it was from me!
1480% Marge: Homer, keeping the ball... FOR MYSELF!
1480% Homer: Marge! but you don't know how to bowl,, Oops.
1480% Marge: I'm keeping it and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present,
1480% Homer.
1480% Homer: [smitten] Well.. you're welcome.
1481% Marge: Excuse me, where do I throw this?
1481% Attendant: Over there.
1481% Marge: Thank you.
1481% Attendant: Hey -- wait a minute! You're going need a lane!
1481% Marge: No thanks, I'm just here out of spite
1481% Attendant: [pointing to sign] Can't bowl without a lane.
1481% Marge: Well, allright.
1481% Attendant: [hands her a scoresheet] Here you go,, you keep score on this.
1481% What sized shoes you wear?
1481% Marge: Never you mind!
1481% Attendant: [pointing to another sign] Can't wear street shows on the lane,
1481% you gotta wear bowling shoes. What size please?
1481% Marge: [grudgingly] Hmmm,, Thirteen double A.
1481% Attendant: Thirteen double A!!! [whistles in amazement] The closest I've
1481% got is a nine and a fifteen.
1482% Jacque: So one hundred and twenty pins later, I am the better man.
1483% Marge: I don't see what I'm doing that is so much different from what he's
1483% doing...
1484% Marge: I'm awfully sorry!
1484% Bowler: Entirely my fault. It's nice to meet you,, [looks at the bowling
1484% ball then hands it to her] Homer.
1484% Marge: No no,, Homer is my... Ball's name. I'm Marge.
1485% Bowler: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered
1485% for the ball you are using, [a projector shows him caressing her
1485% hand] you need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.
1485% Marge: No, no thank you mister... [looks at his bowling ball] Brunswick.
1485% Bowler: Call me Jacque.
1485% Marge: Jacque.
1485% Jacque: Marge.
1485% Marge: I'll just use my ball.
1485% Jacque: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy clumsy
1485% things such as this Homer of yours.
1486% Jacque: May I ask you a bold question? [leans forward over Marge]
1486% Marge: Sure.
1486% Jacque: You've never bowled before.
1486% Marge: Never.
1486% Jacque: No.
1486% Marge: No.
1486% Jacque: Then I will teach you.
1486% Marge: Oh, I don't want to trouble you.
1486% Jacque: Not at all, I am a professional. Throw the ball for me Marge, let
1486% me see your form.
1486% Marge: Well, allright,, but I'm not very good.
1487% Marge: I can hit that one pin allright, but the rest of them don't even
1487% wobble.
1488% Jacque: Now throw! (Marge: ``But..'') Throw damn you!
1489% Marge: You're a very good teacher!
1489% Jacque: Yes I am a very good teacher and I can teach you everything. I can
1489% tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean. Which frame
1489% is the beer(?) frame. I bet you don't know how to make a 5-7-10
1489% split do you Marge? [Marge: `'Noo''] But first of all you yell
1489% ``The eight pin is a cop!'' [Marge cracks up] Let it all out
1489% Marge,, Let it out Marge. Laugh out loud, you'll lose me. [Marge
1489% recovers]
1489% Marge: You're very funny.
1490% Marge: I didn't realize there was so much to this game,, What do you
1490% charge for lessons?
1490% Jacque: Twenty-five dollars.
1490% Marge: [shocked] Twenty five dollars!
1490% Jacque: [leaning forward] For forty dollars' value.
1490% Marge: Well... allright. When do we start?
1490% Jacque: [takes her hand] We have already begun.
1491% Homer: Now this is living, hey kids? Hot Pizza, the food of kings!
1491% Lisa: Don't be scared Dad, it's not so hard to take care of us.
1491% Homer: Heh heh, Lisa, I'm not scared, I think it's a great way to spend some
1491% time with you kids. [change to Homer's perspective] Your mother
1491% always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn. [everyone,
1491% sans Maggie, silently eat their pizza. Homer voce] Does the time
1491% always drag like this?
1492% Jacque: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the
1492% slippery finish. Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?
1492% Marge: Oh, very smooth.
1492% Jacque: smooth?
1492% Marge: yes, very.
1492% Jacque: yes?
1492% Marge: yes.
1492% Jacque: yes.
1492% Marge: smooth.
1492% Jacque: smooth,
1492% Marge: yes,
1492% Jacque: yes. You could eat off of it.
1492% Marge: Hmmmm...
1492% Jacque: You hungry?
1492% Marge: Yes.
1492% Jacque: [yelling] Four Onion rings!
1493% Lisa: [finishing her pizza] Hummm! Deliciouso!
1493% Bart: My compliments to the delivery boy.
1493% Homer: Ok, we've eaten and eaten well. Now what else do we have to do?
1493% Well, let's check the list your Mom left us... Eat,, huhmmm.
1493% [ticks with a pencil] Oh, clean up! Now don't worry everybody, this
1493% will be a breeze if we all pitch in. [they form a human chain to the
1493% bin] Allright! We're clean! Now we'll... [looks to Maggie]
1493% Put Maggie to bed.
1494% Homer,Bart,Lisa:
1494% Lullaby, and goodnight,
1494% come to bed and sleep tight.
1494% Close your eyes, start to yawn.
1494% Pleasant dreams until the dawn.
1495% Marge: Homer,, Homer?
1495% Homer: Huh? Wah? Oh,, How was bowling?
1495% Marge: It's a very challenging hobby.
1495% Homer: Heh heh,, It's a sport dear. It's a sport you silly thing.
1495% Marge: But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night.
1495% Homer: [shocked/surprised] Oh! You're going back?
1495% Marge: Oh sure, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again.
1495% Homer: [confused] Oh, no,, I don't mind.
1496% Marge: Jacque! It fits, you got it in my size and it has my name on it.
1496% It's really for me!
1496% Jacque: [thrusts himself upon her] Seventeen fifty, enjoy it my darling.
1497% Marge: You didn't have to drop me off.
1497% Jacque: But I wanted to. [grasps her hand] Marge, do you know how beautiful
1497% you look in the moonlight?
1497% Marge: Errrr, Jacque! I'm a married woman!
1497% Jacque: I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry
1497% for sin. [Marge reacts accordingly] Marge darling, I - I want to
1497% see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowlorama,, away from the
1497% thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for Brunch.
1497% Marge: What's Brunch?
1497% Jacque: You'd love it,, It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but
1497% it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get
1497% completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!
1497% Marge: I don't think so.
1497% Jacque: Marge, darling. There are ten pins in my heart,, you've knocked
1497% over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare?
1497% Marge: [hesitantly] Mmmm, mmmmm... All right!
1498% Bart: O-ho! School bus!
1498% Marge: [holding two grocery bags full of goodies] Here you go kids,,
1498% Special lunches! Lots of good things for growing bodies, [Bart and
1498% Lisa look to each other bewildered] and some treats just for fun.
1498% Bart: Aye Carumba!
1498% Lisa: Are you going bowling again tonight Mom?
1498% Marge: Yes I am, as a matter of fact. [tops up their lunches, to Bart's
1498% delight, but Lisa is worried] Here's more treats. But don't worry,
1498% your Dad will take care of dinner.
1498% Bart: [delighted] Hmmm, Wednesday. Hoagie night!
1498% Marge: [kisses Lisa] Goodbye Lisa, my darling little Lisa.
1498% [kisses Bart] Goodbye Bart, my special little guy.
1498% Bart: Hmm,, Great lunches, hey Lis?
1498% Lisa: Oh Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call Over-
1498% compensation,, Mom is racked with guilt because their marriage is
1498% failing.
1498% Bart: Hey, don't rock the boat Man. Whatever it is, we're making out like
1498% bandits.
1498% Lisa: Bart, I've read about what happens to kids who's parents no longer
1498% love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages.
1498% Right now I'm in stage three, Fear. You're in stage two, Denial.
1498% Bart: [whines] No I'm not.
1498% Lisa: Yes you are.
1498% Bart: [angrily] No I'm not!
1498% Lisa: Yes you are!
1498% Bart: Am not! Am not! Am not!
1498% Lisa: I stand corrected,,
1499% Jacque: Mia mosa?
1499% Marge: I'm a married woman, please don't call me that.
1499% Jacque: [laughs] Nononono. Mia Mosa is the name of the drink. It's orange
1499% juice and champagne. [laughs] You're so wonderful that you thought
1499% it was something offensive.
1499% Marge: [accepting the compliment] Oooo, well thank you.
1500% Helen: [at 78rpm] I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I
1500% looked over this way and said to myself, Huh! Isn't that Marge
1500% Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?
1500% [Jacque is annoyed, Marge forces a smile]. Ha ha,, and I just had to
1500% come over and say Hello!
1500% Marge: We're.. um..
1500% Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account.
1500% Jacque: I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you. Now Marge, [grabs the
1500% salt shakers] The pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here. We'll
1500% make this little piece of food here the ball, the ball's bigger, you
1500% know that. [Helen suspects something] but for food, this is a good
1500% ball.
1500% Helen: Ahem, well, byebye. [to Marge] See you in church on Sunday, Marge.
1500% Marge: [cheerlessly] Good-bye Helen.
1500% Jacque: Goodbye Helen. You have a lovely friend there,, [Marge "Hmmm's"
1500% unhappily] Let's hope something runs over her. [Marge sniggers]
1500% Your laughter is like music to me,, but if you laugh at what I say
1500% next, I will die. For I am about to say something very serious,
1500% perhaps shocking. Marge my darling, I want you to meet with me,
1500% again.
1500% Marge: That doesn't shock me.
1500% Jacque: [reaches across the table] Away from prying eyes, away from the
1500% Helen's of the world. At my apartment,, the Fiesta Terrace.
1501% Marge: You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.
1501% Jacque: Ha ha, [whispered] I like you so much. They're not for bowling
1501% Marge. You're so naive,, They're for lovemaking!
1501% Marge: Really?
1502% Jacque: What cosmic force brought us together Marge?
1502% Marge: Destiny!
1502% Jacque: Yes. Some divine pin-spotter, must have placed us, side-by-side.
1502% Marge: Like two fragile bowling pins.
1502% Jacque: Standing bravely.
1502% Marge: Until inevitably,,
1502% Jacque: We must topple.
1503% Jacque: Marge! Marge! Speak to me!
1503% Marge: Is Thursday ok?
1503% Jacque: It's ok indeed.
1504% Bart: Hey Dad! Whatawe say we toss the old apple around, huh? Sound like
1504% fun?
1504% Homer: Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball.
1504% Bart: Come on Dad, get the lead out.
1505% Bart: [practicing his baseball] Simpson checks the runner on first, he's
1505% cool(?) on sign. Here's the windup, and Heerree's the pitch,,
1505% [which beans Homer on the head. Homer slumps to the ground. Bart
1505% runs up to him] Dad, you didn't even say `Ouch!'
1505% Homer: Oh... Sorry... Ouch.
1506% Bart: Lisa, Lisa,, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very
1506% very wrong here.
1506% Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three,, Fear.
1506% Bart: [urgently] Well come on! We've got to do something man!
1506% Lisa: Sorry Bart, I would love to help you but I am mired in stage five,
1506% Self-pity.
1507% Bart: Look Dad, I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some
1507% advice that might help.
1507% Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here.
1507% Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you, and
1507% you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth
1507% shut. At least that way you won't make things worse.
1507% Homer: Hmmm, good advice.
1508% Homer: Marge, may I.. speak to you?
1508% Marge: Sure.
1508% Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly
1508% sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the
1508% guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle
1508% where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You've just got
1508% a gift I guess, and I've always thought so,, I've just never
1508% mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in
1508% keeping feelings bottled up. [pause] Goodbye my wife.
1508% Marge: ...Goodbye Homer.
1509% Jacque: To the most beautiful moment in life,, Better than a deed, better
1509% than a memory, the moment... of anticipation!
1510% Jacque: Oh Jacque, you handsome devil. Look at you,, You're really going
1510% to STRIKE OUT TONIGHT!
1511% Lenny: Ain't you hungry Homer?
1511% Homer: Starving.
1511% Lenny: Then why aren't you eating your sandwich?
1511% Homer: How can I eat it? She made it,, It's all I have left.
1512%[Taps him on the shoulder]
1512% Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're hear to see me, right?
1512% Marge: Of course! [cuddles and kisses him on the cheek]
1513% Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss?
1513% Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I
1513% love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
1514%Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?
1514%Kids: Krusty!
1514%Krusty: How much do you love me?
1514% [Bart and Lisa watch the show at home]
1514%Bart+Lisa+Kids: With all our heart!
1514%Krusty: What would do if I went off the air?
1514%Bart+Lisa+Kids: We'd kill ourselves!
1514%-- Making life worth living, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1515%Krusty: Don't blame me...
1515%Krusty+Kids: didn't do it!
1515%-- Words to live by, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1516%Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
1516%-- Bart, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1517%Bart+Lisa: [laugh at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
1517%Marge: My, all this senseless violence. I don't understand the appeal.
1517%Bart: We don't expected you to, Mom.
1517%Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
1517%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1518%If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
1518%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted'
1519%Oooooh, eight carousels! We're in for a real treat!
1519%-- Marge welcomes her sisters, laden with slides of their latest trip,
1519% ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1520%Hello, steady customer! How are you this evening, sir?
1520%-- Apu welcomes Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1521%Mmm... Chocolate...
1521%Ooooh, double chocolate...
1521%Gasp! New flavor! Triple chocolate!
1521%-- Homer buys ice cream, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1522%What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you so unhappy when you are
1522%purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
1522%-- Apu to Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1523%Krusty: [holding a gun] Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
1523%Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery.
1523% I do work in a convenience store, you know.
1523%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1524%You can emerge now from my chips.
1524%The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
1524%-- Apu to a (cowardly) Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1525%Patty: This is a Mexican delicacy called a `taco platter'.
1525%Selma: Mmm, delicious.
1525%-- Narrating a slide show of their trip to the Yucatan, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1526%Krusty: Hey, what's going on, here?
1526%Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery.
1526% You have the right to remain silent.
1526% Anything you say, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.
1526%-- You know the rest, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1527%Send in the clowns!
1527%-- Chief Wiggum prepares for a police line-up, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1528%And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return.
1528%[click, next slide]
1528%And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed.
1528%Thus concludes our Mexican Odyssey.
1528%-- Patty shows vacation slides, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1529%Why did the clown cross the road?
1529%To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
1529%A new story behind that enigmatic half-joke after this commercial message.
1529%-- Scott Christian anchors the newscast, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1530%Homer: Bart, you know that guy on your lunchbox?
1530%Bart: Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?
1530%Homer: He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he?
1530%Bart: Are you kidding? He's my idol!
1530% I've based my life on Krusty's teaching.
1530%-- Krusticism? ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1531%Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended
1531%the TV clown, who appears on a rival station, opposite our
1531%own Emmy award winning Hobo Hate.
1531%-- Scott Christian's news flash, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1532%Earth-to-Marge. Earth-to-Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
1532%-- Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1533%Good evening again, Springfield. Krusty the Klown, the beloved idol of
1533%countless tots, now nothing more than a common (alleged) criminal.
1533%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1534%His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media
1534%circus, as children of all ages, from 8 to 80, hang onto each new
1534%development like so many Rumanian trapeze artists.
1534%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1535%Krusty: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids?
1535% Well, we've got another one coming right up.
1535% But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products!
1535% [Sideshow Bob wheels in a barebecue grill]
1535% Mmmm.... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon.
1535% And glistening, sizzling.... Aaaagh! D'oh!
1535% [Krusty clutches his chest and contorts his face]
1535%Kids: Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
1535%Krusty: [collapses, his hand slowly descending out of frame]
1535% Heart...attack... Gagh! I'm... dying... I'm dying...
1535%Kent: [watching on a monitor] Heh heh heh.
1535%-- Krusty's near-fatal heart attack in 1986, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1536%Bart: Look at him. His clothes are so drab.
1536%Lisa: His face is so flesh-colored and sad.
1536%Bart: And his feet. They're so small.
1536% [grabs Krusty] Say it ain't so, Krusty!
1536%Atty: Uh, my client has no comment at this time.
1536%Krusty; [meekly] I didn't do it!
1536% [all laugh as Krusty is dragged away on his heels]
1536%-- Once a clown, always a clown. ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1537%Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
1537%Krusty: [brightly] I plead guilty, your honor.
1537% [huge gasp from the crowd, Krusty looks around surprised]
1537%Atty: [whispers into Krusty's ear]
1537%Krusty: Oh, heh heh heh, not guilty, heh heh heh.
1537% Opening-night jitters, your honor.
1537%-- Just picture them in their underwear, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1538%Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of
1538%heavily-salted snack treats?
1538%-- Prosecutor at Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1539%These toys are just adorable. Who would have guessed they were inspired
1539%by an insane criminal genius.
1539%-- Marge throws out Krusty-related toys, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1540%Bart: Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality!
1540%Homer: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon!
1540% Now come on, son, get with the winning team!
1540%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1541%Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few
1541%words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but
1541%because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please
1541%stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
1541%-- Reverend Lovejoy coordinates a Krusty-burning, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1542%Prosecutor: Betting slips, indicating that you've lost substantial sums
1542% of money on sports gambling.
1542%Krusty: [dramatically] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
1542%Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
1542%Krusty: [meekly] Oh.
1542%-- Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1543%Foreperson: We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown... Guilty.
1543%Crowd: [gasp!]
1543%Defense Attorney: Ugh! [bangs the table] I knew it!
1543% This happens to me every time!
1543%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1544%Bart: I bet I can prove Krusty's innocent, but... [meekly] I need your help.
1544%Lisa: [genuinely not knowing] You do? Why?
1544%Bart: Oh, come on, Lis, you know why.
1544%Lisa: No! Why?
1544%Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but...
1544% [deep breath] You're smarter than me.
1544%Lisa: [adorable smile]
1544%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1545%[hiding behind the counter]
1545%Okay, don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.
1545%-- Apu, once bitten twice shy, ``Krusty the Clown''
1546%Hey, hey, this is not a lending library!
1546%If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
1546%-- Apu, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1547%Come on, Bart, go with the flow!
1547%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1548%Sideshow Bob: So what's on your mind, Bart? Is it that other children
1548% don't accept you?
1548%Bart: Sure, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me.
1548%-- Armchair psychiatry, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1549%The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield
1549%Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal
1549%and Susan Sonntag.
1549%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1550%There was a school of thought called stoicism...
1550%-- Sideshow Bob hosts his Cavalcade of Whimsy, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1551%Bart: Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store!
1551% Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof!
1551% [whams Sideshow Bob's foot with a mallet]
1551%Sideshow Bob: [hopping and grabbing his foot]
1551% Ow! You lousy, stupid clumsy...
1551%Kids: Gasp!
1551%Bart: See that? Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet,
1551% like all good-hearted people. [whams Sideshow Bob's other foot]
1551%Sideshow Bob: [on the floor, grabbing his feet]
1551%Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled those shoes with these ugly feet!
1551% [removes Sideshow Bob's shoe, revealing his big, ugly feet]
1551%The Cop: [watching the show, eating donuts] Kid's right.
1551%The Other Cop: [doing the same] How do you suppose we missed that?
1551%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1552%And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids.
1552%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1553%Treat kids like equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think!
1553%They were smart enough to catch me!
1553%-- Sideshow Bob is carted away to jail, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1554%I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in
1554%prison are exaggerated.
1554%-- Homer to Krusty, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1555%Mrs. Skinner: This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about?
1555%Pr. Skinner: Mm hm.
1555%Mrs. Skinner: Why, he looks so sweet!
1555%Bart: I am, ma'am.
1555%-- He also lies, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1556%Milhouse: You going to flush it? [a cherry bomb]
1556%Bart: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.
1556%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1557%Homer: [lying on the couch] Oh, Maaarge, I'm still hurt! \\
1557% [rings a handbell] Maaarge! Maaaaaarge!
1557%Marge: [finally arrives] Oh, Homer. How many times do I have to fluff
1557% your pillow?
1557%Homer: Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled-cheese
1557% sandwich?
1557%Marge: [reluctantly] Well, okay.
1557%Homer: Make sure it's squished flat, and crunchy on the outside.
1557%Marge: I know how you like 'em, Homer.
1557%Homer: Oh, and can I have some of those wieners that come in a can?
1557% Oh, and some fruit cocktail, in heavy syrup.
1557%Marge: Mmmmm...
1557%-- Milking an injury, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1558%Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.
1558%Principal Skinner: Mm hm. I understand completely.
1558%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1559%Pr. Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible.
1559% I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it
1559% behooves us all to consider... deportation.
1559%Marge: Deportation!? You mean, kick Bart out of the country?
1559%Homer: Eh, hear him out, Marge.
1559%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1560%Pr. Skinner: Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange
1560% program. Normally, a student is selection on the basis of academic
1560% excellence or intelligence. But in Bart's case... I'm prepared to
1560% make a exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can
1560% be spending the next three months studying far, far away.
1560%Homer: Sounds great!
1560%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1561%Pr. Skinner: He'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart
1561% of the wine country.
1561%Marge: But Bart doesn't speak French.
1561%Pr. Skinner: Oh, when he's fully immersed in a foreign language, the average
1561% child can become fluent in weeks!
1561%Homer: Yeah, but what about Bart?
1561%Pr. Skinner: I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by.
1561%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1562%Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't
1562%pulling the same scam you are!
1562%-- Homer learns that Bart has been selected for an exchange program,
1562% ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1563%Pr. Skinner: You'll be getting an Albanian.
1563%Homer: You mean, all white with pink eyes?
1563%-- Student exchange program, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1564%Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me.
1564%-- Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1565%He makes crazy twelve months a year. At least you get the summer off.
1565%-- Homer chats with Principal Skinner, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1566%Bart: And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom?
1566%Marge: Yes, Bart.
1566%Bart: And one back?
1566%-- We'll think about it, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1567%Always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm
1567%saying is... Don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.
1567%-- Homer sends Bart to France, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1568%Lisa: You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek.
1568%Homer: Heh heh heh. The lek!
1568%Lisa: And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field.
1568%Homer: Give me the ol' stars-and-stripes!
1568%Lisa: And the main export is furious political thought.
1568%Homer: Political what?
1568%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1569%You will find life here at the ch\^ateau hard, but if you shut up and
1569%do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly.
1569%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1570%You might find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem
1570%absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the
1570%benefit of the doubt. This way, and only in this way, do we hope to better
1570%understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.
1570%-- Principal Skinner's introduction, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1571%Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people
1571% control ninety-five percent of the wealth?
1571%Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think and act
1571% and worship any way they want.
1571%Adil: Cannot!
1571%Lisa: Can too!
1571%Adil: Cannot!
1571%Lisa: Can too!
1571%Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting.
1571% Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity,
1571% and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism
1571% being oiled with the blood of the workers.
1571%-- The thoughts of a worker who does not control the means of production,
1571% ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1572%Marge: I'll just clean the dishes...
1572%Adil: No, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough today.
1572% will clear the dishes.
1572%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1573%Did you see that? This is the way I always wanted it to be! We've become
1573%a fully-functioning family unit! We've always blamed ourselves, but I
1573%guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.
1573%-- Homer trades Bart for Adil, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1574%Oh, she's just jealous. She'll get over it.
1574%And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her! Heh, heh, heh.
1574%-- Homer on Lisa's recent ourburst, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1575%Homer: Look, Adil, you can call me `Dad'.
1575%Adil: All right... `Dad'.
1575%Homer: Awwww, you called me `Dad'.
1575%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1576%None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work...
1576%-- Homer, upon Adil's request to see SNPP, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1577%See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled.
1577%Now, how's for freedom of choice!
1577%-- Homer introduces Adil to the American workplace, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1578%Homer: Hey, Lenny, does this place have one of those plutonium
1578% isolation deals?
1578%Lenny: Yeah, in Sector 12.
1578%Homer: Sector 12?
1578%Lenny: Third floor, by the candy machine.
1578%Homer: Oh, Sector 12!
1578%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1579%We think Maggie may say her first word any day now.
1579%-- Marge's letter to Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1580%Quand je sens que ma foi dans les forces supr\^emes faiblit,
1580%je pense toujours au miracle de l'anti-freeze.
1580%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1581%Whenever my faith in God is shaken, I think of the miracle of anti-freeze.
1581%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1582%Cesar: [shoves a cup of wine in Bart's face] Drink this.
1582%Bart: Oh, no thanks.
1582%Cesar: Do not worry. This is France. It is customary for children to take
1582% a little wine now and then.
1582%Bart: Yeah, but it's got anti-freeze in there.
1582%Cesar: Drink it!
1582%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1583%He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of anti-freeze.
1583%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1584%I'm so stupid. Anybody could've learned this dumb language by now.
1584%Here, I've listened to nothing but French for the past |{deux mois,}
1584% |[two months,]
1584%{et je ne sais pas un mot.}
1584%[And I haven't learned a word.]
1584%{Eh! Mais, je parle Fran\c{c}ais maintenant!}
1584%[Wait! I'm talking French now!]
1584%{Incroyable!}
1584%[Incredible!]
1584%-- Bart learns French, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1585%Bart: You gotta help me. These two guys work me night and day.
1585% They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor.
1585% They put anti-freeze in the wine, and they gave
1585% my red hat to the donkey.
1585%Policeman: [shocked]
1585% Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime.
1585%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1586%Oh, just some blueprints Adil wanted.
1586%I'm telling you, he's such a curious little Dickens.
1586%I bet he could a nukeeler power plant if he wanted to!
1586%-- Homer fetches classified information for Adil, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1587%Homer: I'm his neighbor, what'd he do?
1587%Agent: [through the megaphone] Well, sir, the...
1587% [turns off the megaphone] Well, sir...
1587%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1588%Spy: So, Sparrow, we meet again.
1588%Adil: Yes. Sometimes I think that I am getting too old for this game.
1588%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1589%Good-bye, Adil! I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted!
1589%-- Homer bids farewell to an Albanian spy, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1590%So, basically, I met one nice French person.
1590%-- Bart's summary of his trip to France, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1591%Some wise-guy stuck a cork in the bottle!
1591%-- Homer struggles to open a wine bottle, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1592%Mon p\`ere! Quel bouffon!
1592%-- Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath''
1593%> Didja notice...
1594% ... the doors were missing from the toilet stalls in the boys' room?
1594% Typical elementary school facilities.
1594% ... Bart got his wish? He lived the life of a frog!
1594% ... someone took a bicycle on the plane as carry-one luggage?
1594% ... Principal Skinner gave a speech and didn't screw up a single word?
1595%> Movie (and other) References
1596% * Assorted French paintings
1596% - Bart's ride through the French countryside
1596% - Dejeuner sur l'herbe
1596% - Three others
1596% * Jean de Florette and Manon of the Spring
1596% - Cesar and Huguolin look like and have the same
1596% names as the evil peasants. @{tas}@{jmv}
1597%> Comments and other observations
1598%>> French, as viewed by a Frenchman
1599%Jean-Marc Vezien @{jmv} volunteered to study the episode from a French
1599%point of view, and here's the result of his analysis:
1600%Although ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' remains my favorite, ``The Crepes
1600%of Wrath'' is certainly a very good episode, especially for a French
1600%native. The depiction of the two bad guys is hilarious (I'll try to
1600%explain why below), as well as the accent itself. First, the
1600%names: Maurice, Cesar (this should be C\'esar, with acute accent, but
1600%who cares?)\ and Huguolin. Maurice is a typical French name, very
1600%common for men in their 40's or 50's. Definitly out of fashion, and
1600%usually associated with countryside flavor (which tends to be
1600%pejorative nowadays). Needless to say, this doesn't reflect the
1600%average IQ of all the Maurices in France, but so there.
1601%Cesar and Huguolin are two very famous characters of French
1601%litterature, from the novel ``Manon des sources'' (Manon of the
1601%Springs), two corrupted, bad-manered peasants of the 30's. They don't
1601%happen to make wine, but steal the water from another guy's land by
1601%obstructing his spring. In fact, the story is rather intricate and
1601%probably not interesting for Americans. But Cesar and Huguolin
1601%represent the archetype of the typical narrow-minded, twisted farmer
1601%of France at the beginning of the century, ready to commit any abuse
1601%for a little money. Needless to say, this doesn't reflect the average
1601%behaviour of all the farmers in France, but so there.
1602%The funniest thing all along the episode is the accent. The point is,
1602%except the policeman (who speaks such a accentless French that it's
1602%funny anyway), all the French speaking characters have a
1602%American accent. Furthermore, Cesar and Huguolin's voicers have
1602%tried to imitate the French countryside accent, which kept me rolling on
1602%the floor with laughter. Some of the sentences are very hard to catch,
1602%even for a native, and a few words remain a mystery for me. Oh well. I
1602%also like the way the French guys speak English (a very good catch of
1602%the real French accent, putting `e' at the ends of sentences, or
1602%rolling the `r').
1603%Now, for those who plan to go to France for a vacation or an exchange
1603%student program, let me state this: It is possible to go in September,
1603%to the southwest of France (the Bordeaux region) and spend a
1603%marvelous (although exhausting) time, gathering the grapes. Lots of
1603%gigantic meals, free wine and girls (well, at least wine...),
1603%in a friendly atmosphere. No Cesar or Huguolin, and no risk of
1603%anti-freeze! Along this line, it's absolutly that some crooks
1603%tried to add anti-freeze to the wine in order to make it taste ``older''.
1603%(Normally it takes at least one and up to 20 years to make a decent
1603%wine.) This, of course, is prohibited and the production is severely
1603%controlled. (I speak for France, now the situation can be somewhat
1603%different in Italy or Spain, which produce lots of cheap wine.)
1604%And out of curiosity, is it real Albanian?
1605%>>> Now for the French part
1606%{\catcode`\|\active\def\({\Q\parskip0pt\QuoteMulti}\let\\\medbreak
1606%\def\){\endQuoteMulti\eQ}\let\,\c\def|#1: #2|{\QuoteLine{#1}{#2}\endQuoteLine}
1607%Before Bart arrives...
1607%\(
1607%{|C\'esar: Ah, Maurice. D\`es que le gar\,con am\'ericain arrive,
1607% tes jours d'esclavage sont finis.
1607%||Translation: Ah, Maurice. As soon as the American boy arrives,
1607% your days of slavery are over.
1607%||Subtitle: Ah, Maurice. Once the American boy arrives /
1607% your days of back-breaking labor will be over.
1607%|}\)
1607%\\
1608%Huguolin and C\'esar go through Bart's things:
1608%\(
1608%{|Huguolin: C\'esar, regarde! Nous sommes riches!
1608%||Translation: C\'esar, look! We are rich!
1608%||Subtitle: Cesar, look! We are rich!
1608%|\smallskip
1608% |C\'esar: Ceux-l\`a sont trop petits, mais on peut les vendre.
1608%||Translation: These are too small, but we can sell them.
1608%||Subtitle: These won't fit us, but we can sell them.
1608%|\smallskip
1608% |Huguolin: Regarde, Maurice. Un beau chapeau rouge pour toi.
1608%||Translation: Look, Maurice. A beautiful red hat for you.
1608%||Subtitle: And a red hat for you, Maurice.
1608%|}\)
1608%\\
1609%Dinnertime...
1609%\(
1609%{|Huguolin: Elle est bonne cette saucisse.
1609%||Translation: This sausage is really good.
1609%||Subtitle: Mmm. Good sausage.
1609%|\smallskip
1609% |C\'esar: Oui tr\`es. Passe-moi le vin.
1609%||Translation: Yeah, a lot. Give me the wine.
1609%||Subtitle: Yes. Pass me the wine.
1609%|}\)
1609%So we have here the archetype of (1)~the typical rural French meal
1609%and (2)~the typical rural French conversation.
1609%\\
1610%As Bart reads the letter from Marge...
1610%\(
1610%{|C\'esar: Silence!
1610%||Translation: Silence!
1610%|}\)
1610%But you knew that already.
1610%\\
1611%In the wine shack...
1611%\(
1611%{|C\'esar: Ah, je crois que \,ca va \^etre notre meilleur cuv\'ee.
1611%||Translation: Ah, I think this is going to be our best vintage.
1611%||Subtitle: This will be our finest wine ever.
1611%|\smallskip
1611% |Huguolin: Mais le vin n'a ferment\'e que trois jours.
1611%||Translation: But the wine has only fermented for three days.
1611%||Subtitle: But it's only been fermenting for three days.
1611%|\smallskip
1611% |C\'esar: Quand je sens que ma foi dans les forces supr\^emes
1611% faiblit, je pense toujours au miracle de l'anti-freeze.
1611%||Translation: When my faith in the supreme forces weakens, I always
1611% think of the miracle of the antifreeze.
1611%||Subtitle: Whenever my faith in God is shaken,
1611% I think of the miracle of anti-freeze.
1611%|}\)
1611%I couldn't stop laughing at this one. First, C\'esar pronounces
1611%(vintage) with an American ``u'', sounding , or using French
1611%spelling, , which means ``clutch''! Then there is this
1611%incredible sentence refering to supreme forces. I don't know for the
1611%Americans, but it sounds crazy in French.
1611%[It sounds crazy in English, too. --rjc] Last, C\'esar says
1611% (we say in French), which, combined
1611%with the leading , sounds almost like
1611% which means !
1611%\\
1612%Continuing...
1612%\(
1612%{|C\'esar: Si on en met trop, bien s\^ur, c'est du poison.
1612%||Translation: If you put put too much of it, of course, it's lethal.
1612%||Subtitle: Too much can be poison,
1612%|\smallskip
1612% |C\'esar: Mais dans les proportions voulues, \,ca donne du corps au vin.
1612%||Translation: But in the desired proportions, it gives body to the wine.
1612%||Subtitle: but the right amount gives wine just the right kick.
1612%|}\)
1612%``Corps'' is difficult to translate here, as I'm not a specialist of wine.
1612%In fact, I realize I don't even know how to describe it properly.
1612%Let's stick to ``body'', which is reasonably accurate.
1612%\\
1613%\(
1613%{|Huguolin: Je crois que tu en as mis trop.
1613% Tu vas tuer quelqu'un avec \,ca.
1613%||Translation: I think you put too much of it.
1613% You'll kill somebody with that.
1613%||Subtitle: You put in too much. It may kill someone.
1613%|\smallskip
1613% |C\'esar: Tuer quelqu'un? T'es fou!
1613%||Translation: Kill someone? You're nuts!
1613%||Subtitle: Kill someone? Don't be ridiculous.
1613%|}\)
1613%\\
1614%As they're about to feed Bart the tainted wine...
1614%\(
1614%{|C\'esar: Regarde, je te parie que \,ca va m\^eme pas le rendre aveugle.
1614%||Translation: Look, I bet you he's not even going to be blind.
1614%||Subtitle: Watch. I'll bet it won't even blind him.
1614%|}\)
1614%The word ``aveugle'' is spoken in such a manner that only by consulting
1614%the subtitle could I figure out what he said!
1614%\\
1615%\(
1615%{|C\'esar: Qu'est ce que je t'avais dit?
1615% Maintenant, vas nous chercher une caisse
1615% d'anti-freeze au magasin.
1615%||Translation: What did I tell you?
1615% Now, go and get us a case of antifreeze at the store.
1615%||Subtitle: He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of anti-freeze.
1615%|}\)
1615%Here, really sounds like .
1615%\\
1616%\(
1616%{|Huguolin: Mais il pleut!
1616% Est-ce qu'on peut attendre \`a faire le vin demain?
1616%||Translation: But it's raining!
1616% Can't we wait until tomorrow to make the wine?
1616%||Subtitle: But it's raining outside. Let's make the wine tomorrow.
1616%|}\)
1616%It seems that Huguolin's voicer had problem with this sentence, which
1616%sounds terrible. Besides, the <\`a> is incorrect. It should be ~(for)
1616%or ~(and).
1616%\\
1617%\(
1617%{|C\'esar: On a d\'ej\`a perdu trois jours.
1617%||Translation: We've already lost three days.
1617%||Subtitle: We have already waited three days.
1617%|}\)
1617%Sounds like a good score for wine-making!
1617%\\
1618%\(
1618%{|Huguolin: Alors, envoie le gar\,con!
1618%||Translation: Then, send the kid!
1618%||Subtitle: Then send the boy.
1618%|}\)
1618%\\
1619%Bart's visit to Paris. Stores named and .
1619%Bart spots a (not so) typical French policeman and tries to talk to him.
1619%\(
1619%{|Policeman: Excusez-moi, je ne parle pas Anglais.
1619%||Translation: Excuse me, I don't speak English.
1619%|}\)
1619%Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha ha! A French policeman apologizes. Besides,
1619%this guy sounds like a shy school teacher who spent his life behind
1619%his books (with a perfect, sweet, accentless French), not like the
1619%average cop, who would have said: ``'' (So shorty, lost your mum?)
1619%\\
1620%Bart's struggle with the language continues.
1620%\(
1620%{|Policeman: Tiens, petit gar\,con. Voil\`a un bonbon.
1620%||Translation: There, little boy. here's a piece of candy.
1620%|}\)
1620%Do you think French cops give sweets to lost American kids?
1620%\\
1621%\(
1621%{|Policeman: Je suis d\'esol\'e, j'aimerais vraiment pouvoir vous aider.
1621%||Translation: I'm sorry, I'd really like to help you.
1621%|}\)
1621%Come on! An understanding cop? Gimme a break, man!
1621%\\
1622%Bart complains to himself, ``Anybody could have learnt this dumb language
1622%by now!'' (Sure, especially Homer!)
1622%\(
1622%{|Bart: Here, I've listened to nothing but French for the past
1622% deux mois, / et je ne sais pas un mot.
1622%||Translation: two months, / And I don't know a word!
1622%||Subtitle: two months. / And I haven't learned a word.
1622%|}\)
1622%Not too bad an accent, for a beginner.
1622%\\
1623%\(
1623%{|Bart: Mais, je parle Fran\,cais maintenant! / Incroyable!
1623%||Translation: My, I speak French now! / Incredible!
1623%||Subtitle: Wait! I'm talking French now! / Incredible!
1623%|}\)
1623%Indeed, it is.
1623%\\
1624%\(
1624%{|Bart: Hey, Monsieur, aidez-moi!
1624% Ces deux types me font travailler jour et nuit.
1624% Ils ne me donnent pas \`a manger,
1624% ils me font dormir par terre,
1624% ils mettent de l'antifreeze dans le vin,
1624% et ils ont donn\'e mon chapeau rouge \`a l'\^ane.
1624%||Translation: Hey sir, help me!
1624% Those two guys make me work day and night.
1624% They don't feed me,
1624% they make me sleep on the ground,
1624% they put antifreeze in the wine,
1624% and they gave my red hat to the donkey.
1624%||Subtitle: You gotta help me. These two guys work me night and day. /
1624% They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. /
1624% They put anti-freeze in the wine,
1624% and they gave my red hat to the donkey.
1624%|}\)
1624%Note that the policeman gulps when Bart mentions the antifreeze.
1624%Nothing is worse than to adulterate wine in France.
1624%Death penalty at the very least.
1624%\\
1625%\(
1625%{|Policeman: De l'antifreeze dans le vin?
1625% Ah mais c'est s\'erieux \,ca!
1625% Viens avec moi, fiston, tu n'as plus rien \`a craindre.
1625%||Translation: Antifreeze in the wine?
1625% This is serious indeed!
1625% Come with me, boy, you've got nothing to fear anymore.
1625%||Subtitle: Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime. /
1625% Come along, boy. There is nothing for you to fear now.
1625%|}\)
1625%Two major flaws here: First, the French cop understands it all right away.
1625%Usually you have to explain things four or five times just to get a
1625%glimmer of comprehension. Second, Bart is now all alone with a cop,
1625%which typically means that he's in deep, deep trouble.
1625%\\
1626%\(
1626%{|Bart: Mon [???]. Vous aurez toujours une place dans mon c{\oe}ur.
1626%||Translation: My [???]. You will always have a place in my heart.
1626%||Subtitle: My savior. You will always have a place in my heart.
1626%|}\)
1626%The first two words are covered by music and are impossible to figure out.
1626%As for Bart's behaviour (thanking a cop), I can
1626%see only one explanation: Antifreeze poisoning.
1626%\\
1627%The bad guys get busted...
1627%\(
1627%{|Policeman: He ben maintenant, vous ferez votre vin en prison!
1627%||Translation: Well, now, you'll make your wine in prison!
1627%||Subtitle: From now on you will be doing all your winemaking in prison.
1627%|}\)
1627%Ha, ha, ha. Typical cop joke.
1627%\\
1628%\(
1628%{|Huguolin: Nous [????] les prisons!
1628%||Translation: We [????] the jails!
1628%|}\)
1628%The word marked [????] is not a French word. I swear it.
1628%\\
1629%\(
1629%{|C\'esar: Et tout \,ca, parce qu'on a particip\'e \`a un
1629% programme d'\'echange d'\'etudiants!
1629%||Translation: And all this because we were part of an student
1629% exchange program!
1629%||Subtitle: And all because we participated in a student exchange program.
1629%|\smallskip
1629% |Bart: Au revoir, suckers!
1629%||Translation: Bye bye, suckers!
1629%|}\)
1629%Note that Bart could have used the French equivalent of suckers, ``pigeons''.
1629%\\
1630%At the airport:
1630%\(
1630%{|Voice: Air France, flight mille neuf cent quatre-vingt huit,
1630% Paris to Springfield, is now arriving.
1630%||Translation: Air France, flight 1988, Paris to Springfield, is now arriving.
1630%|}\)
1630%\\
1631%Back at home, Bart muses to himself...
1631%\(
1631%{|Bart: Mon p\`ere, quel bouffon.
1631%||Translation: My father. What a buffoon.
1631%||Subtitle: My father. What a buffoon.
1631%|}\)
1631%All in all, pretty funny. Nevertheless, I wonder why they didn't take
1631%real French speakers. (Hey, they could have asked me!) Now don't
1631%tell me it was too difficult to find. The depiction of France was as
1631%grotesque as I expected (Bart met one nice person in France), and
1631%Groening et al.\ captured some of the worse features you can find on a
1631%trip to France. (Wonder where he got his info.)
1631%}
1632%>> Miscellaneous
1633%You'd think the water in the toilet bowl would've extinguished the fuse
1633%on the cherry bomb.
1634%> Boring distribution restrictions
1635%Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1992 by Raymond Chen.
1635%Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission.
1635%(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons,
1635%and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.
1635%I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)
1636%Homer: [receives a sweepstakes junk mail with a `You may have already won'
1636% check] One million dollars! I'm rich! [rushes to the bank]
1636%Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable.
1636%Homer: Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure?
1636%Teller: See where it says, ``VOID VOID VOID'' and ``This is not a check'',
1636% ``Cash value one twentieth of a cent'', ``Mr. Banker, do not
1636% honor''...
1636%Homer: Shut up.
1636%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1637%Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true.
1637% Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
1637%Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
1637%-- Homer may have already won $1 million, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1638%Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
1638%Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start
1638% now.
1638%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1639%Homer: [reading `Reading Digest'] Hey, a cartoon!
1639% [a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car]
1639% ``Well, dear, you always wanted a compact...''
1639% [laughs] Ain't it the truth!
1639%Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are
1639% safer drivers than men.
1639%Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just
1639% stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
1639% [gets up, revealing rear cleavage]
1639%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1640%Len: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime!
1640%Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
1640%Len: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those
1640% stomach staples?
1640%Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, ``Give me learning, sir,
1640% and you may keep your black bread.''
1640%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1641%Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
1641%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
1641%Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange.
1641% His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!
1641%-- Why is Homer reading on the job? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1642%Announcer: We now return to Troy McClure and Dolores Montenegro
1642% in ``Preacher with a Shovel''.
1642%Man's voice: But irrigation can your people, Chief Smiling Bear!
1642%-- The wonders of the American cinema, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1643%Marge: You've certainly taking a shying to that magazine.
1643%Homer: It's not just magazine, Marge; they take of
1643% magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something
1643% that fits right into your front pocket.
1643% [struggles to shove it into his front pocket, tearing the seams
1643% in the process]
1643%-- Reading is fundamental, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1644%Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers
1644% dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion!
1644% [gasp] He'll be killed!
1644%Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
1644%Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.
1644%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1645%Homer: [reads] Seven ways to spice up your marriage.
1645% [ahem] [reads woodenly] Marge, you have a nice body.
1645% And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask.
1645%Marge: Why, thank you, Homey.
1645%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1646%Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC. All expenses paid, VIP tour'...
1646% Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash]
1646%Lisa: Wait, Dad. [fishes out of trash]
1646% Mm, an essay contest. Children under twelve, three hundred words,
1646% fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting.
1646%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1647%[as tranquil music plays in the background, Lisa writes her essay]
1647%What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?
1647%He'd say... [tranquil music abruptly stops]
1647%[erasing] Oh, think of a better opening.
1647%-- After all, Ben Franklin was an editor, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1648%Lisa: Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
1648%Homer: Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.
1648%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1649%We the purple? What the hell was that?
1649%-- Father to son on his essay topic, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1650%Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off!
1650%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1651%Steward: Yes, sir, can I get you something?
1651%Homer: Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin,
1651% propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else
1651% I've got coming to me.
1651%Steward: I'll see what I can do.
1651%-- Flying to Washington, DC, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1652%Pilot: And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle.
1652% Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
1652%Bart: No thank you. I'd rather push this button.
1652% [leans over and pushes a button]
1652%Pilot: No!
1652% [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments]
1652%Homer: Aagh! We're all going to die! [screams from the passengers]
1652%-- Are you breathing naturally? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1653%[at the airport, sees a chauffeur holding a sign that reads, `SIMPSON']
1653%Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do!
1653%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1654%Wow! A shoe horn! Just like in the movies!
1654%-- Homer is amazed at what comes with the hotel room,
1654% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1655%Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase
1655%your word power'. That thing is really, really.. really.... good.
1655%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1656%Faith: Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists.
1656% This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez.
1656%Maria and Trong: Hello.
1656%Faith: Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Trong has
1656% won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL
1656% Punt-Pass-and-Kick competition.
1656%Lisa: Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior
1656% ability?
1656%Maria: Mm.
1656%Trong: Sure, I guess.
1656%Lisa: Oh! Me, too! [embraces them]
1656%-- The plight of the superior, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1657%Faith: These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places
1657% other tourists never see.
1657%Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for?
1657%Faith: Important.
1657%Homer: Ooh. How about the `V'?
1657%Faith: Very.
1657%Homer: Oh. And Miss, just one more question.
1657%Faith: Person.
1657%Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?
1657%-- Short term um, what's that called... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1658%Bart: [reading a sign] On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled
1658% back-to-back 300 games.
1658%Homer: Yeah, right.
1658%-- Would he lie to you? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1659%Marge: Wow, the President's bathroom...
1659%Lisa: [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking]
1659%Babs: [gasp] Do you mind!
1659%Lisa: Barbara Bush!
1659%Babs: Ugh, you have those damn badges. Okay... [playing tour guide]
1659% This tub was installed in 1894...
1659%-- The VIP tour, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1660%Tour guide: Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day.
1660% Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples.
1660% [tour group chuckles]
1660%Homer: Lousy cheap country...
1660%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1661%Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!
1661%-- Or is it Looey? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1662%Marge: [admiring the Washington Monument] [chuckles]
1662%Homer: Hey, what's so funny?
1662%Marge: [whispers]
1662%Homer: Oh, Marge, grow up.
1662%-- Did he say, `up'? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1663%Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and I'd like to give you a
1663%logging permit, I would. But this isn't like burying toxic waste. People
1663%are going to notice those trees are gone.
1663%-- The quandaries of a Congressman, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1664%Arnold: You must be Lisa Simpson.
1664%Lisa: Hello, sir.
1664%Arnold: Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be a
1664% congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators, you
1664% know.
1664%Lisa: Only two. I checked.
1664%Arnold: [chuckles] You're a sharp one.
1664%-- Congressman Arnold has met his match? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1665%Moe: [seeing a photo of Congressman Arnold and Lisa in the paper]
1665% Aw, isn't that nice. Now is a politician who cares.
1665%Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him! [belch]
1665%-- Portrait of a Nonvoter, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1666%Lisa: I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe
1666% Memorial?
1666%Homer: [half asleep] Who's that?
1666%Lisa: An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion
1666% of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.
1666%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1667%``I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor
1667%laws.'' Amen, sister.
1667%-- Lisa reads the inscription on the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial,
1667% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1668%Lisa: [over the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic]
1668% [sees the Lincoln Memorial in the reflecting pool]
1668% Honest Abe, he'll show me the way.
1668% [goes to the memorial]
1668% Mr. Lincoln?
1668%Man: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. What can I do to make this a
1668% better country?
1668%Woman: Is this a good time to buy a house?
1668%Woman: I can't get my boy to brush proper.
1668%Man: Would I look good with a mustache?
1668%Old man: [takes of his hat, revealing his bald pate]
1668% So I tried some turpentine but that just made it worse.
1668%Lisa: [trying to make herself heard over the din]
1668% Mr. Lincoln? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
1668%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1669%Lisa: Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
1669%Jefferson: I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
1669%Lisa: Sorry, sir. It's just...
1669%Jefferson: No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did
1669% anything important. Just the Declaration of Independence,
1669% the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter...
1669%Lisa: Uh, maybe I should be going. I've caught you at a bad time...
1669% [leaves]
1669%Jefferson: Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely...
1669%-- Talking heads, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1670%Page: Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
1670%Senator: Please, son, I'm very busy.
1670%Page: A little girl is losing faith in democracy!
1670%Senator: Good Lord!
1670%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1671%Speaker: We now vote on House bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
1671%Representative: Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we
1671% tack on a pay raise for ourselves?
1671%All: No!
1671%-- Heed my quips... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1672%When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no
1672%English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide
1672%chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or
1672%possible Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why,
1672%whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded
1672%of that wonderful word: flag!
1672%-- Trong's award-winning speech, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1673%Imprisoned Congressman Becomes Born-Again Christian
1673%-- If it's in the paper, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1674%Faith: Will the winning essay be...
1674% Bubble On, O Melting Pot,
1674% Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady,
1674% USA A-OK,
1674% or Cesspool on the Potomac?
1674%Bart: Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
1674%-- Awards ceremony, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1675%Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Hallowe'en show, I warned you
1675%not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this
1675%year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think
1675%they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children
1675%and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not
1675%going to now. Enjoy the show.
1675%-- Marge's second disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1676%And to conclude this Hallowe'en newscast on a scary note... Remember, the
1676%Presidential primaries are only a few months away. [chuckles]
1676%-- Kent Brockman, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1677%Marge: If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.
1677%Bart: [mouth full of candy] [sarcasm] Oh yeah, everybody in the family
1677% is going to have bad nightmares tonight, ha!
1677%Lisa: [more sarcasm] Oh yeah, three bad nightmares.
1677%Homer: [yet more sarcasm] I'd like to see that! Heh heh heh!
1677%-- Little do they know... ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1678%Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
1678%Lisa: [annoyed] Dad, that's Monaco.
1678%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1679%Vendor: Sir, I must strongly advise you: Do not purchase this.
1679% Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune.
1679% I, myself, was once president of Algeria.
1679%Homer: Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me!
1679%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1680%Marge: Ew, Homer, where did you get that ugly thing?
1680%Homer: Why, at that little shop right over... there?
1680% [all that's left is a gust of wind] [gasp!]
1680% Oh, no, wait, it was over there.
1680% [points at the shop]
1680%-- Sleight of hand, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1681%Marge: Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
1681%Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going
1681% to scream.
1681%Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying.
1681%-- Dame Fortune frowns, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1682%Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes
1682%would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful.
1682%-- Homer, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1683%Lisa: [takes the paw] I wish for world peace.
1683% [the second finger on the paw closes]
1683%Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!
1683%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1684%British ambassador: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
1684%Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.
1684%-- The peace dividend, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1685%People of earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!
1685%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1686%Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
1686%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1687%Len: They're conking us with a club!
1687%Man: Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two...
1687%-- Green aliens invade, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1688%I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on
1688%rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie
1688%turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any
1688%other weird surprises. You got it?
1688%[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding]
1688%[a turkey sandwich materializes]
1688%[Homer takes it] Hey! [digs in]
1688%Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry.
1688%[in realization] The turkey's a little dry!
1688%Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! [huh?]
1688%What demon from the depths of hell created thee!
1688%-- Homer deals with... `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1689%Okily dokily!
1689%-- Ned Flanders, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1690%Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won.
1690%Alien 2: Did they? That board with a nail in it may have defeated us.
1690% But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards
1690% and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail
1690% so big, it will destroy them all!
1690% [both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time]
1690%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1691%Presented for your consideration: Springfield. An average little town,
1691%with a not-so-average monster.
1691%[townsfolk wander around with nervous smiles, saying, `Happy happy!']
1691%The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts
1691%and say happy things. Because this particular monster can read minds.
1691%and if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.
1691%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1692%And did I mention to you that the monster is a ten-year-old boy?
1692%[zoom in on Bart]
1692%Quite a twist, huh? Bet you didn't see that one coming.
1692%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1693%Bart: [sees Snowball 2] Every day, same old cat. I'll make it more
1693% interesting. [furrows his brow, turning the cat into a
1693% multi-colored fire-breathing whatever]
1693%Snowball: Meow. [fire breath singes the breakfast table. The cereal
1693% box is on fire]
1693%Bart: Ah, there. That's better.
1693%Marge: Much better. Oh, good! The curtains are on fire.
1693%Homer: [nervously] It's good that you made that.. awful thing, Bart.
1693% It's real good.
1693% [Marge hoses down the fire with the fire extinguisher]
1693%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1694%He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on side.
1694%-- Homer to Marge, on Bart's impish powers,
1694% `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1695%Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond
1695%with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. [groans from the class]
1695%America was now discovered in 1942 by ... [consults] `Some Guy'.
1695%And our country isn't called America any more. It's Bonerland.
1695%-- Ms. Krabappel, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1696%Moe: [answers the phone]
1696% Moe's Tavern. ... Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid
1696% moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to
1696% kiss my own butt.
1696%All: [laugh]
1696%Barney: Ho ho, that's a good one.
1696%Moe: Wait a minute... [picks up the receiver]
1696%Bart: [hangs up and laughs]
1696%Ms.K: [holding the phone, forces a laugh]
1696%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1697%The kick is up! It's looking good! The ball is turning into a fat bald
1697%guy! [Homer sails through the air (`Aaaaaaaaagh!') and collides with the
1697%goal post. (Twanggggg!)] And it's no good! And you know what we say
1697%every time something strange happens! It's good that Bart did that! It's
1697% good!
1697%-- Football announcer, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1698%[laughs sickly] Well, we're still on. Three hundred and forty-six
1698%consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET
1698%ME STOP!!! [delirious] Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel
1698%has any more of those legal over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!
1698%-- Krusty's marathon, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1699%Marge: Goodness, what's wrong?
1699%Bart: We both had nightmares.
1699%Lisa: Can we sleep with you?
1699%Homer: You both toilet trained?
1699%Bart and Lisa: [indignantly] Yes!
1699%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1700%Smithers: [over P.A.] Attention Homer Simpson. Attention Homer Simpson.
1700%Homer: [still dozing at his post]
1700%Smithers: Wake up, Homer.
1700%Homer: [startles awake]
1700%Smithers: You're fired.
1700%Homer: For what?
1700%Smithers: For sleeping on the job.
1700%Homer: How'd you know I was sleeping?
1700%Smithers: We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
1700%Homer: Camera? [spots the camera] D'oh!
1700%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1701%Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine
1701%tails! [unveils his Frankenstein monster]
1701%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1702%Lisa: [reading the classifieds] Hey, here's a good job, Dad!
1702% Oh, wait, you have to know how to operate an ultrasonic
1702% lithotriptor.
1702%Homer: How hard can it be?
1702%Bart: Hey Dad, here's one! $28/hr, plenty of fresh air, and you
1702% get to meet lots of interesting people.
1702%Homer: Ooh, what job is that?
1702%Bart: Grave digger. [laughs evilly]
1702%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1703%Smithers, get him out quickly. The stench is overpowering.
1703%-- Burns finds Homer's ``dead'' body,
1703% `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1704%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee.
1704%Burns: Well, who a model [sees Smithers sans skull, just brain]
1704% employee....
1704%Smithers: [panicking] Uh, Simpson will do just fine, sir.
1704%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1705%Smithers: You hear that, sir?
1705%Burns: No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The Booooger Man?
1705%-- Me and my shadow, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1706%Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive.
1706%Burns: Oh. [walks over to it, and thwacks it with a shovel]
1706% Bad corpse. [thwack] Bad corpse. [thwack]
1706% Stop [thwack] scaring [thwack] Smithers! [thwack]
1706%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1707%Burns: [saws off the top of Homer's head. No blood, very clean.
1707% The top of Homer's head rolls away.]
1707% Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
1707%Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
1707%Burns: Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
1707%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1708%It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. Well, who's
1708%mad now! [laughs diabolically]
1708%-- Mad Scientist Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1709%Johnny Carson: [as Karnak] Geraldo Rivera, Madonna, and a diseased yak.
1709%Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho.
1709%-- Watching TV, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1710%Lisa: Mom, what's wrong?
1710%Marge: It's your father. He's missing.
1710%Bart: Dad's missing? Get outta here.
1710%Marge: He's been gone for two days.
1710%Lisa: Whaddya know. She's right.
1710%-- Familial concern, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1711%I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with.
1711%Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.
1711%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1712%Smithers: You know what this means? He alive!
1712%Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke.
1712%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1713%And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous
1713%cog and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it]
1713%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1714%Every bone ... shattered, organs ... leaking vital fluids ...
1714%a slight headache ... loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
1714%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1715%Homer: [wakes up and screams]
1715%Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
1715%Homer: No, Bart bit me.
1715%Bart: Hey, man, you were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth
1715% was full of flab.
1715%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1716%Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was
1716% crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
1716%Homer: [trying to stay calm] I can wake up. It's all a dream.
1716% It's just a dream.
1716%Burns: Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... Or is it? [laughs diabolically]
1716% [Executive Producer credit appears]
1716%Announcer: Next week, on `The Simpsons'...
1716% [the breakfast table]
1716%Lisa: [puts down the newspaper] Don't forget, Dad, tonight my class is having
1716% an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
1716%Homer: Mmm... Spaghetti.
1716%Burns: [his head attached to Homer's shoulder] But Homer, tonight's our
1716% reception for Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands!
1716%Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads.
1716%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1717%Bart: Looks like I've got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge!
1717% [hunts through the box of cereal]
1717% Hey, it's not in here. You stole it!
1717%Lisa: No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart.
1717%Homer: [coming in] Hey, look what I got! A genuine official police badge!
1717% ``Calling all cars! Come out with your hands up!'' Heh heh heh.
1717%Bart: Hey, that's my badge, Homer.
1717%Homer: That's Homer! Hee hee hee hee.
1717%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1718%You ate my homework!? I didn't know dogs did that...
1718%-- Bart to Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart the Murderer''
1719%Ms.K: Bart Simpson, you're late. Go fill out a tardy slip.
1719%Bart: But I'm only five... [looks at the clock] ten, twenty...
1719% Forty minutes! That's pretty damn late!
1719%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1720%Lisa: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate!
1720%Wendell?: I'm going to each chocolate 'til I barf!
1720%-- Field trip to the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer''
1721%Principal Skinner: Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the PTA!
1721%Bart: You're making me lick envelopes?
1721%P.S.: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game
1721% of it.
1721%Bart: What kind of game?
1721%P.S.: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour,
1721% then try to break that record.
1721%Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me.
1721%P.S.: Yes, well... Get started.
1721%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1722%I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed.
1722%But it's the only way he'll learn...
1722%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Murderer''
1723%Welcome to the Chocolate Factory. I'm Troy McClure! You probably remember
1723%me from such films as `The Revenge of Abe Lincoln', and `The Wackiest
1723%Covered Wagon in the West'.
1723%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1724%[haunting native American music plays, scene changes to an Aztec pyramid]
1724%The history of chocolate begins with the ancient Aztecs.
1724%[see a hand holding an `Ah Fudge' candy bar]
1724%In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package,
1724%chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf.
1724%[candy bar changes to a coiled tobacco leaf]
1724%And instead of being pure chocolate, like we have today, it was
1724%mixed with shredded tobacco.
1724%[pull back to see a smiling Aztec fellow holding the cigar-shaped tobacco leaf]
1724%And they didn't eat it, they smoked it!
1724%[Aztec lights it, takes a puff, and smiles broadly]
1724%-- Educational film at the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer''
1725%Tony: Pick a horse, kid. We're putting two dollars on the third race.
1725% Make it a good one.
1725%Bart: Eat my shorts!
1725%Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form]
1725% Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is
1725% in the fifth race! I said the race!
1725%Bart: Don't have a cow!
1725%Tony: Mm.. [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third,
1725% put a deuce on him.
1725%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1726%As they come out of the turn, it's Sufferin' Succotash by a neck over
1726%Yabba-Dabba-Doo, two lengths back Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks.
1726%I Yam What I Yam can see them all, but here comes Don't Have a Cow flying on
1726%the outside, and coming down to the wire, it's all Don't Have a Cow!
1726%-- The third race, ``Bart the Murderer''
1727%Homer: How much does it pay?
1727%Bart: Thirty bucks a week!
1727%Homer: Pfft! I make more than that.
1727%-- Bart gets a part-time job, ``Bart the Murderer''
1728%It's funny because it's true.
1728%-- Fat Tony, ``Bart the Murderer''
1729%Fat Tony: Chief Wiggum! You honor us with your presence.
1729%Chief Wiggum: Baloney! I'm not going to rest until one of us is behind bars.
1729% You! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette
1729% truck that got hijacked on Route 401?
1729%Fat Tony: What's a truck?
1729%Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me!
1729%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1730%Wiggum: Let me assure all you smokers out there that there is
1730% shortage of cigarettes.
1730%Reporter: [shouts] How do we know that?
1730%Wiggum: Um, let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco
1730% Products. Jack?
1730%Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload
1730% of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco
1730% flavor is already heading towards Springfield. The driver been
1730% instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. [all cheer]
1730%-- Press conference, ``Bart the Murderer''
1731%Lisa: [somewhat shocked] Bart, is your boss a crook?
1731%Bart: I don't think so. Although it would explain an awful lot.
1731%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1732%Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
1732%Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving
1732% family?
1732%Bart: No.
1732%Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal
1732% a truckload of bread to feed them?
1732%Bart: Uh uh.
1732%Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
1732%Bart: I guess that's okay.
1732%Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price
1732% that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
1732%Bart: Hell, no!
1732%Tony: Enjoy your gift.
1732%-- What if he puts jelly on it? ``Bart the Murderer''
1733%Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.
1733%-- Bart, ``Bart the Murderer''
1734%Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for.
1734% I think they're criminals.
1734%Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water
1734% and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
1734%-- Guilt by association? ``Bart the Murderer''
1735%Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for
1735% two weeks. [looking at a pizza delivery truck conspicuously
1735% equipped with a satellite dish]
1735%[inside the truck, loaded with electronic snooping equipment]
1735%Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
1735%Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown.
1735%Man 2: Let's roll. [the truck speeds off]
1735%[back in the bedroom]
1735%Homer: See? It was all your imagination.
1735%[another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted
1735% on the side? Flowers
1735% By
1735% Irene]
1735%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1736%Homer: [playing poker]
1736% Heh heh! Read 'em and weep, boys. Another pair of sixes!
1736%Tony: [folding with four aces] Beats me.
1736%Man: I was... bluffing.
1736%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1737%Tony: I am thrilled you decided to let your boy continue to work here.
1737%Homer: You know, if you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter.
1737%Tony: Homer, you're a helluva father.
1737%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1738%Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir.
1738%Skinner: Um, I don't have any appointment with any large men.
1738% [Fat Tony and two heavies come in]
1738%Fat Tony: You Skinner?
1738%Skinner: Skinner, yes. And how, may I ask, did you get
1738% past the hall monitors?
1738%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1739%I can assure you that we're using the most advanced scientific techniques
1739%in the field of... [searching for the word] body-finding.
1739%-- Police Chief Wiggum's briefing, ``Bart the Murderer''
1740%Gypsy: [roaming her hands over a picture of Skinner]
1740% I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy.
1740%Wiggum: Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner.
1740%Gypsy: Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits.
1740% [gasp] Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming
1740% the English Channel.
1740%Wiggum: Really? Willie Nelson?
1740%-- Would she lie to you? ``Bart the Murderer''
1741%Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
1741%Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
1741%Milhouse: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
1741%Student: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us
1741% at lunch.
1741%Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
1741%Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation.
1741% I know the law, you can't prove anything.
1741%-- He was like that when I got there. ``Bart the Murderer''
1742%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me?
1742%Rev.: Yes, Bart. [pats Bart] [emotionlessly] There there.
1742% [pats some more] There there.
1742%-- An enormous help, ``Bart the Murderer''
1743%Bart: Did you kill my principal?
1743%Tony: Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache?
1743%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1744%Oh Bart, why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys?
1744%-- Marge, when Bart is arrested for murder, ``Bart the Murderer''
1745%Bart: What's that guy doing here?
1745%Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you against
1745% charges of... [reads the deposition] Murder One! Wow! Even if
1745% I , I'll be famous!
1745%-- Inherit the Windbag, ``Bart the Murderer''
1746%Smithers: That Simpsons boy is looking at 180 years.
1746%Burns: Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a
1746% ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.
1746%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1747%Tony: I didn't order this Skinner guy killed...
1747%D.A.: But aren't you the head of this gang?
1747%Tony: No. I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary
1747% newspaper.
1747%D.A.: Then who is the kingpin, the [jargon I can't make out]
1747%Tony: That's the guy! [fingers Bart]
1747%All: [gasp]
1747%Bart: Hey!
1747%Tony: Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.
1747%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer''
1748%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years.
1748% Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous
1748% criminal syndicate?
1748%Homer: Well, not the leader, I mean... [cries] Oh, it's true, it's true!
1748% All the pieces fit! [bawls]
1748%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer''
1749%Now, in light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your
1749%father, your teachers, and the seemingly endless parade of emotionally
1749%shattered babysitters...
1749%-- The Judge's summing-up, ``Bart the Murderer''
1750%Wiggum: Find anything this time, boys?
1750%Cop: Uh, no sign of him, Chief.
1750%Wiggum: Princess Opal?
1750%Opal: I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta
1750% Burke and Major Dad.
1750%Wiggum: But they seem so happy!
1750%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1751%Judge: Case dismissed!
1751%Hutz: Your honor... Do I still get paid?
1751%-- Pro bono pocketo, ``Bart the Murderer''
1752%Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.
1752%Bart: Get bent.
1752%Tony: I deserved that.
1752%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1753%Tony: Me and the boys, we still think you got a big future in racketeering
1753% and extortion.
1753%Bart: Sorry, Fat Tony. I used to think your gang was cool. But now
1753% I learned that crime doesn't pay.
1753%Tony: Yeah, you're right. [leaves in his expensive limo, complete with
1753% pretty woman]
1753%-- Do as I say... ``Bart the Murderer''
1754%Announcer: Blood on the Blackboard! The Bart Simpson story!
1754% Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Montegna
1754% as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie
1754% Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson!
1754%`Tony': Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here.
1754%`Bart': Shut up! Where do you want it, Skinner?
1754%`Skinner': [spits on him]
1754%`Bart': Not smart. [pumps him full of lead]
1754%Bart: Cool!
1754%Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this?
1754%Marge: Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to
1754% pay us.
1754%Homer: Oh, you know who the crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood
1754% producers!
1754%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1755%Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article,
1755% SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
1755%Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs,
1755% factoids and Larry King.
1755%Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell
1755% the truth, that everything is just fine.
1755%-- Reading US of A TODAY, ``Homer Defined''
1756%Bart: [inscribing a card]
1756% ``To me bestest bud, Milhouse. Happy Birthday. Bart.''
1756%Lisa: Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? [reads] ``Hey there,
1756% ten-year-old! I couldn't afford to get you a new drum...''
1756% [opens the card, revealing a picture of a well-endowed woman]
1756% [reading with lost enthusiasm] ``So how about a nice pair of
1756% bongos''? Ewww...
1756%-- Amen, sister, ``Homer Defined''
1757%They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies!
1757%I'll keep one and you keep one.
1757%Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone
1757%and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.
1757%-- Bart, explaining his gift to Milhouse, ``Homer Defined''
1758%Martin: Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday.
1758% Jelly bean basket, personalized noisemakers.
1758% But the little touches are what made it enduring!
1758%Bart: What's he talking about?
1758%Milhouse: Uh... Hey! Look at that dog! Isn't that something!
1758%Bart: [sees a rather plain dog] Wow, brown!
1758%-- How to change the subject, method 3. ``Homer Defined''
1759%Whoa, Springfield Elementary, last stop!
1759%Oh, and by the way, I'd like to say Thanks, and applose[?] applause to
1759%birthday boy Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday!
1759%Oh, and Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof.
1759%-- Otto's announcement (emergencies only), ``Homer Defined''
1760%Bye, little dudes! Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn!
1760%-- Otto drops the kids off at school, ``Homer Defined''
1761%Burns: So, what did you do this weekend, Smithers?
1761%Smithers: Well, I caught up on my laundry, wrote a letter to my mother,
1761% oh, here a kicker, and I took Hercules out to be clipped.
1761%Burns: Who the devil is Hercules?
1761%Smithers: Oh, he's my Yorkshire terrier, sir. He's kind of tiny, so you
1761% know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Herky. [shows a wallet
1761% photo]
1761%Burns: Ugh. Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red!
1761%-- Hercules and the Lion? ``Homer Defined''
1762%Burns: I took in a movie. An appalling little piece of filth.
1762% Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the
1762% film strolling around naked as a jaybird!
1762%Smithers: [gasp]
1762%Burns: No, just give the Great Unwashed a pair of oversized breasts
1762% and a happy ending, and they'll oink for more every time.
1762%[Homer talking with his coworkers]
1762%Homer: What a movie! And that blonde cutie! Does she have assets! [oinks]
1762%-- Wallowing in filth, ``Homer Defined''
1763%[poking at each jelly donut in turn]
1763%[poke] Igh, lemon. [poke] Ugh, cherry. [poke] Ooh, custard.
1763%[poke] Mmmmm.... purple...
1763%-- Homer, enjoying the finer things in life, ``Homer Defined''
1764%Apu: Otto, do you know there's a small child inside your bus?
1764%Otto: [sees Bart] Ooh, good thing you warned me. I was on my way to Mexico!
1764%-- Tijuana Schoolbus, ``Homer Defined''
1765%Voice: Warning... Problem in Sector 7-G.
1765%Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
1765%Smithers: [calls up a video file photo of a hairful Homer]
1765% Homer Simpson, sir.
1765%Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent?
1765%Smithers: [reluctantly] Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
1765%Burns: [sarcastically] Thank you, President Ford.
1765%-- Quality is Job One, ``Homer Defined''
1766%Homer: [waking up to the sound of loud rhythmic buzzing]
1766% Huh? ... Noise! ... Bad noise!
1766%Voice: [calmly] Five minutes before critical mass...
1766%Homer: Critical what!? [trying to calm down]
1766% Okay, okay, don't panic, whosever problem this is, I'm sure they
1766% know how to handle it... [the jelly covering the dial pops off]
1766% Huh? Aaagh!! It's problem!!! We're doomed!!!!
1766%Voice: [as steel doors seal off the safety control room]
1766% [calmly] Sector 7-G is now being isolated...
1766%-- It has been our pleasure to serve you, ``Homer Defined''
1767%You know, once, my old lady ran off and married my brother.
1767%Well, it hurt, but here it is a month later, and I'm sleeping on
1767%their couch!
1767%-- Otto-Man, ``Homer Defined''
1768%Announcer: We interrupt `Search for the Sun' for this special news bulletin.
1768% Meltdown Crisis: The First Couple of Minutes.
1768%Brockman: [surrounded by comb and hair dryer] Forget the hair, just give
1768% me the blush! [realizes the cameras are on him] Oh, we're on.
1768%-- Ready for anything, ``Homer Defined''
1769%Kent: On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns?
1769%Burns: Oh, hello, Kent. [as loud rhythmic buzzing continues in the background]
1769% Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting
1769% a minor, piffling malfunction. [rapid-fire shots of havoc in the plant]
1769% But I can assure you and the public that there is absolutely no danger
1769% whatsoever. [air raid siren wails] Things couldn't be more ship-shape.
1769% [cut to Burns' office, where he is busy donning a radiation suit]
1769%Smithers: Sir, where is radiation suit?
1769%Burns: How the hell should I know? [covers the name `Smithers' on the suit
1769% he is wearing]
1769%Kent: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
1769%Burns: [laughs] Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer
1769% to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
1769%-- Obfuscatory sesquipedalianism, ``Homer Defined''
1770%Homer: [panicking, as warning sirens wail] Gotta think, gotta think...
1770% Okay, somewhere there's a thingie that tells you how to work this
1770% stuff. The uh, the uh, the manual! The manual! Right!
1770% [hunts under the console] [finds it]
1770% Agh! It's as fat as a phone book! [opens to first page] [reads]
1770% `Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 Slow-Fission
1770% Reactor'... D'oh! Get to the point, man! [finds an insert]
1770% Ooh, what's this? [unfolds it, it's a giant schematic]
1770% D'oh! Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated!
1770%-- Everything is under control, sort of, ``Homer Defined''
1771%Voice: [cheerfully] Ninety seconds to core meltdown.
1771%Smithers: Sir, there may be never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
1771%Burn: [disgusted] Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moment
1771% on earth socially awkward.
1771%-- The moment of truth, ``Homer Defined''
1772%Moe: Looks like this is the end...
1772%Barney: Oh, that's all right. I couldn'ta led a richer life.
1772%-- Core meltdown is imminent, ``Homer Defined''
1773%Kent: After the meltdown, we can expect roving bands of...
1773%Abe: Ah, I don't like this program.
1773%Jasper: Change the channel.
1773% [woman does so]
1773%TV: Wheel! Of! Fortune!!
1773%-- Dame Fortune smiles, ``Homer Defined''
1774%Marge: [praying] Dear Lord. If you spare this town from becoming
1774% a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian.
1774% I don't know what I can do... Mm... Oh, the next time there's
1774% a canned food drive, I'll give the poor something they'd actually
1774% like, instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix.
1774%-- Throw in a coupla Hail Mary's and we might have a deal, ``Homer Defined''
1775%Homer: Okay okay, think back to your training...
1775% [begin flashback]
1775%Trainer: Now, Homer, this may very well save your life one day.
1775% This... Homer?
1775%Homer: [playing with a Rubik's cube] Yeah?
1775%Trainer: Please pay attention. This button here controls the emergency
1775% override circuit. In the event of a meltdown, push this button
1775% and only this button.
1775%Homer: [completing a side of the cube] Ooh, a side!
1775%Trainer: Simpson!
1775%Homer: What?
1775%Trainer: You see which button I'm pushing?
1775%Homer: [not looking] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Push the button. Got it.
1775% [end flashback]
1775% This is all your fault! [throws Rubik's cube away]
1775%-- Well, at least he remembered the general idea, ``Homer Defined''
1776%Voice: [pleasantly] Thirty seconds to core meltdown.
1776%Burns: Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left but to kiss
1776% my sorry ass good-bye.
1776%Smithers: May I, sir?
1776%Burns: Ugh.
1776%-- Just asking, ``Homer Defined''
1777%Prof. John Fink: [indicating on a map] These unfortunate people here will
1777% be instantly killed. [indicating] This circle, which I am sad to say
1777% we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death.
1777%Kent: Good Lord!
1777%-- Analyzed to death? ``Homer Defined''
1778%Skinner: They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck-and-cover
1778% method, but who's laughing now!
1778%-- ``Homer Defined''
1779%Voice: All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized.
1779% Have a nice day.
1779%-- It's been a pleasure serving you, ``Homer Defined''
1780%Man: [emerges from closet, fixing his tie]
1780%Woman: Will I ever see you again?
1780%Man: Sure, baby. Next meltdown.
1780%-- ``Homer Defined''
1781%TV: I'd like to solve the puzzle. `Three Loins in the Fountain'. [buzz]
1781%-- Wheel of Misfortune, ``Homer Defined''
1782%Burns: [voice only]
1782% Yes, we've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know, false alarm.
1782%Marge: Phew!
1782%Burns: It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system.
1782%Kent: Very good. Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken.
1782% This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant
1782% in the future.
1782%Burns: [in his office, still wearing his radiation suit]
1782% Excellent. Well, ta!
1782%-- Hardly a post-apocalyptic war zone, ``Homer Defined''
1783%Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more.
1783% That's why you couldn't come to the party.
1783%Bart: What's she got against me?
1783%Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
1783%Bart: [slams his hand on the table] Bad influence, my ass!
1783% How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!
1783%-- What he said, ``Homer Defined''
1784%Karl: Hey, way to save our lives!
1784%Len: Yeah, we owe you one!
1784%Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman.
1784% You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
1784%-- ``Homer Defined''
1785%Burns: Oh, and what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin
1785% `Magic' Johnson?
1785%Homer: [gasps] Magic Johnson!? [picks up the phone] Yello?
1785%Magic: [calling from the arena] Is this really Homer Simpson?
1785%Homer: Yeah.
1785%Magic: Wow. Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate
1785% you on averting that nuclear holocaust.
1785%-- On his way to Disneyland, ``Homer Defined''
1786%Lisa: [laughing at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
1786% Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle?
1786%-- ``Homer Defined''
1787%Marge: [reading the plaque] For heroic competence, for narrowly
1787% averting a meltdown, and proving without question that
1787% nuclear power is completely safe. Employee of the Month!
1787%-- ``Homer Defined''
1788%A role model in my very own home. How convenient!
1788%-- Lisa, ``Homer Defined''
1789%Homer: Look, I get enough admiration and respect at work!
1789% I don't need it here at home!
1789%-- No argument from Bart, ``Homer Defined''
1790%Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
1790%Homer: Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes in my mouth...
1790%Marge: Hm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
1790%Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove.
1790%-- Marge and Lisa uncharacteristically miss a metaphor, ``Homer Defined''
1791%Homer: [angrily] What's problem, boy?
1791%Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse.
1791%Homer: That four-eyes with a big nose? You don't need friends like that.
1791%Lisa: How Zen...
1791%-- Dinner conversation, ``Homer Defined''
1792%Homer: What is it? What are you doing?
1792%Lisa: Looking at you with quiet awe.
1792%Homer: Well, as long as it's quiet.
1792%-- ``Homer Defined''
1793%Burns: Ah, Simpson, here's someone I want you to meet.
1793% Aristotle Amodopoulos, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power
1793% Facility. It seems Ari's been having terrible worker
1793% problems at Shelbyville.
1793%Ari: They've lost their zest for work. You must help them find their
1793% ine-haratu-nadzu-leri [or whatever].
1793%Homer: Their ine-aratu-zoola-what?
1793%Ari: Yes!
1793%-- Just checking, ``Homer Defined''
1794%We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from a bunch of
1794%donut-eating goof-offs into a pack of Homer Simpsons!
1794%-- Burns seems to have missed the point, ``Homer Defined'
1795%Maggie: [playing Monopoly with Bart]
1795% [removes her pacifier, coughs up a hotel]
1795%Marge: Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.
1795%Bart: [holding up the box] Don't worry, Mom. There's tons of these things.
1795%-- ``Homer Defined''
1796%Marge: Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
1796%Bart: I don't want to play with Milhouse.
1796%Marge: You mean you still haven't made up with him?
1796%Bart: It's his mom. She says I'm a bad influence.
1796% [takes Maggie's hand] Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that
1796% hornet's nest.
1796%Marge: Mmm...
1796%-- ``Homer Defined''
1797%Marge: Mrs. Van Houten? I'm Bart's mother. We met in the emergency room
1797% when the boys drank paint?
1797%Mrs.V: I remember.
1797%-- ``Homer Defined''
1798%Marge: I know Bart can be a handful, but I also know what he's like inside.
1798% He's got a spark. It's not a bad thing. ... Of course, it makes
1798% him bad things...
1798%Mrs.V: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf `sucks'.
1798% He must've gotten that from your little boy, because they
1798% certainly say that on TV.
1798%-- Of course, ``Homer Defined''
1799%Barney: So next time somebody tells you carney folk are good, honest people,
1799% you can spit in their faces for me!
1799%Lisa: I will, Mr. Gumbel, but if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad
1799% for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around
1799% for a day to see what makes him tick.
1799%Barney: Aw, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars, too.
1799% [belch]
1799%-- ``Homer Defined''
1800%Moe: Here you go, one beer [sets it in front of Lisa]. One chocolate
1800% milk. [sets it in front of Homer]
1800%Lisa: Uh, excuse me, had the chocolate milk.
1800%Moe: Oh.
1800%-- They're so hard to tell apart, ``Homer Defined''
1801%What's the matter, Homer? The depressing effects of alcohol usually
1801%don't kick in 'til closing time.
1801%-- Moe, ``Homer Defined''
1802%Lisa: He's just a little nervous. He has to give a speech tomorrow on
1802% how to keep cool in a crisis.
1802%Homer: [shaking Lisa in a panic] What am I going to do!?
1802% What am I going to do!?
1802%-- You could see that gag coming, couldn't you? ``Homer Defined''
1803%Barney: I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a
1803% little trick. I picture everyone in their underwear.
1803% The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.
1803%Homer: Did it work?
1803%Barney: I'm a free man, ain't I?
1803%-- A mixed blessing, ``Homer Defined''
1804%Milhouse: [on the walkie talkie] Milhouse to Bart. Do you want to come
1804% over and play?
1804%Bart: Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die?
1804%Milhouse: Um, I don't think so.
1804%Bart: Well, who cares.
1804%-- Would you like to check? ``Homer Defined''
1805%As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of
1805%[suddenly turns nasty] loathing and revulsion! You are not workers! You
1805%are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats!
1805%-- Aristotle Amodopoulos gives his employees a pep talk, ``Homer Defined''
1806%Homer: [nervously reading a speech] Grace under pressure is no...
1806%Voice: [sirens wail] Three minutes to meltdown.
1806% [the auditorium empties in a panic]
1806%Homer: Phew! Saved by the bell.
1806%-- Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ``Homer Defined''
1807%Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.
1807%-- Computer announcement, ``Homer Defined''
1808%Eenie meenie miney moe.
1808%Is Homer a hero? The answer is, `No'.
1808%I'm Kent Brockman, and that was `My Two Cents'.
1808%-- A brief editorial, ``Homer Defined''
1809%Bart: Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you
1809% down for?
1809%Milhouse: A hundred!
1809%Bart: Consider it done.
1809%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1810%Dear Krusty: This is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302, respectfully
1810%returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered.
1810%Now I know for sure. Get bent! -- Bart Simpson
1810%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1811%Krusty: [dials 1-900-SEX-CHAT]
1811%Voice: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to
1811% a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now,
1811% let's join the party!
1811% [five-way split screen, showing five men]
1811%Krusty: Hello?
1811%Man 1: Hello?
1811%Man 2: Hello?
1811%Apu: Are there any women here?
1811%Krusty: Hello!?
1811%Apu: Are you a beautiful woman?
1811%Krusty: [angrily] Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
1811%Apu: This is not as hot a party as I anticipated.
1811%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1812%Marge: [gently reminding] Bart, wipe your feet.
1812%Bart: Why bother? They'll just get dirty again.
1812%-- A different point of view, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1813%[a rap at the door in the `Shave and a Haircut' rhythm, with horn honks
1813% and Krusty's laugh in place of `Two Bits'.]
1813%Homer: You think it's him?
1813%-- Waiting for Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1814%Krusty: [entertaining the family by riding a unicycle while balancing
1814% a plant on his nose]
1814%Bart: Krusty, you don't have to be `on' tonight.
1814%Homer: What are you talking about! Of course he does!
1814%Lisa: No Dad, Krusty is our guest. Your pratfalls and Punchinello
1814% antics aren't necessary here.
1814%Krusty: Really?
1814%Bart: Yeah, just relax and be yourself.
1814%Krusty: Oh, that's a relief. [gets down from unicycle, removes plant from
1814% nose (revealing that it was attached via suction cup), and releasing a
1814% chimp on roller skates] Go wait in the car. [the chimp skates away]
1814%Homer: Aw, we could have seen the monkey!
1814%-- To complement the baboon, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1815%Marge: Who wants to say Grace?
1815%Lisa: Why don't we let our guest do it?
1815%Milhouse: Bless us O Lord...
1815%Bart: [whaps Milhouse]
1815%Milhouse: Hey! [rubs his ample nose]
1815%-- My Dinner with Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1816%Krusty: [saying a pre-meal blessing]
1816% Baruch atah adonai,
1816% eloheinu, melech ha'olam,
1816% hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz.
1816%Homer: Hee hee hee hee hee! He's talking funny-talk!
1816%Lisa: No Dad, that's Hebrew! Krusty must be Jewish.
1816%Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here!
1816%Lisa: Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers, including
1816% Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks.
1816%Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish!?!
1816%-- Who would've known? ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1817%Bart: Krusty, are you all right?
1817%Krusty: Yes, it's just that saying the bracha brings back a lot of
1817% painful memories, the old days, my... my father... [bawls]
1817%Homer: Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meatloaf or what?
1817%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1818%Poor Krusty. He's like a black velvet painting come to life.
1818%-- Lisa, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1819%My name isn't Krusty the Klown. It's Herschel Krustofsky. My father was
1819%a rabbi. father was a rabbi. His father's fath--- Well, you get
1819%the idea.
1819%-- Big shoes to fill with small feet (like all good-hearted people),
1819% ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1820%Man 1: Should I finish college?
1820%Rabbi K: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
1820%Woman: [babe in arms] Rabbi, should I have another child?
1820%Rabbi K: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
1820%Man 2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
1820%Rabbi K: Eh, couldn't you rephrase that as a, as an ethical question?
1820%Man 2: Um... Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
1820%Rabbi K: Oh, yes! [chuckles] For great is the car with power steering
1820% and dynaflow suspension!
1820%-- It is written... ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1821%Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
1821%Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
1821%Homer: Why you little! [strangles Bart]
1821%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1822%Rabbi K: You know that my son Herschel was first in his yeshiva class?
1822% As a matter of fact, he was voted `The most likely to hear God'.
1822%Rabbi 2: Oh, go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again, you're so proud of
1822% your son.
1822%Rabbi K: A rabbi would never exaggerate! A rabbi composes. He creates
1822% thoughts. He tells stories that may never have happened.
1822% But he does not exaggerate!
1822%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1823%Oy vey's mir! You have brought shame on our family!
1823%Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive.
1823%-- Rabbi Krustofsky to his son the clown, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1824%Bart: Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?
1824%Krusty: All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.
1824%-- Keeping those emotions in check, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1825%Krusty: So, uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes?
1825%Milhouse: [crying] I want to go home!
1825%-- The clown who came to dinner, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1826%Announcer: Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to...
1826% Hercules vs. the Martians!
1826%Martian: Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Hahahaha.
1826%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1827%Rabbi K: [answering the phone] Hello. Hello? Anybody there?
1827% What's this, I hear the phone ring, and suddenly there's nothing.
1827% I'm listening and there's no talking. Hello, mister, who are you?
1827% Why would they call if they don't want to talk to you? [hangs up]
1827%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1828%Didn't Itchy Junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy
1828%Junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher?
1828%-- Krusty asks the kids, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1829%A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
1829%-- Lisa Simpson on Krusty the Klown, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1830%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi.
1830%Rev.L: [flustered] Well, um, before you make any rash decisions, let me
1830% just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs
1830% of today's young Christians!
1830%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1831%Lisa: We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky.
1831%Rev.L: Rabbi Krustofsky? Well, I do a radio call-in show with him every
1831% Sunday night!
1831%Bart: Really?
1831%Lisa: I didn't know that.
1831%Rev.L: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week.
1831%Bart: [false realization] Oh, oh, radio show!
1831%Lisa: [playing along] Oh yeah! It's all the kids talk about on Monday at
1831% school.
1831%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1832%Bart: Can you give us the rabbi's address?
1832%Rev.L: Oh, sure thing. Let me just check my non-Christian rolodex...
1832%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1833%Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?
1833%Rabbi K: Oh, what can I do for you, my young friend?
1833%Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
1833%Rabbi K: I have no son! [slams the door]
1833%Bart: Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
1833%Rabbi K: [opens the door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams the door]
1833%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1834%And, in order to keep our broadcasting licence, we devote Sunday night
1834%dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.
1834%-- It's funny 'cause it's true, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1835%Gabbin' about God, sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say,
1835%``If we don't got it, it ain't holy.''
1835%-- Or kosher, as appropriate, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1836%Announcer: And our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.
1836%Caller: Yes, hi. With all the suffering and injustice in the world,
1836% do you ever wonder if God really exists?
1836%Rev. L: No.
1836%Msgr. D: [Irish accent] Not for a second.
1836%Rabbi K: Not at all.
1836%Announcer: Great, good conversation there. Our next call...
1836%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1837%Rabbi K: Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking.
1837% What's going on here? Hello, mister? Hello, hello?
1837%Krusty: [sighs, hangs up]
1837%Rabbi K: Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up.
1837% There's all kinds of mishegoyim in the world.
1837%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1838%Bart: Hello, my name's Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time
1838% listener. My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses
1838% a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the
1838% father forgive the son?
1838%Rev. L: I think so.
1838%Msgr. D: Yes, of course.
1838%Rabbi K: No way! Absolutely not! Never, never! Who screens these calls?
1838% Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge? They leave
1838% a building without people watching it, and anybody who wants can...
1838%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1839%Bart: Oy! This guy's tough.
1839%Lisa: Bart, we're going to have to outsmart him.
1839%Bart: I dunno, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.
1839%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1840%Rabbi K: [answers phone] What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel-prize-winning
1840% Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me?
1840% Ha ha! It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there!
1840%Krusty: [on the phone] The French government wants to give
1840% the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious
1840% award? [writes] Izzy's Deli. One o'clock. [puts pencil
1840% down] Thank you, Monsieur President!
1840%Bart: [holding his nose] Au revoir!
1840%-- Heeding the call, or, Many are called... ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1841%Waitress: And for you, sir?
1841%Rabbi K: Ah, let's see. I want a nice sandwich. But the Joey Bishop,
1841% eh, too fatty. the Jackie Mason? I dunno, sauerkraut makes me
1841% gas. Bruce Willis? I don't even like his work! What is this?
1841% Krusty the Klown?
1841%Waitress: That's ham, sausage, and bacon, with a smidge of mayo.
1841%Rabbi K: What!?
1841%Waitress: On white bread.
1841%-- Izzy's Deli, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1842%Krusty: [humming the Marseillaise] Um, could you direct me to
1842% President Francois Mitterand's table?
1842%Waitress: You think you're funny?
1842%Krusty: Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong!
1842%-- You wanna bet? ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1843%Lisa: Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing
1843% rabbis prize above everything else?
1843%Bart: Those stupid hats?
1843%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1844%We're going to hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.
1844%-- Lisa Simpson on Rabbi Krustofsky, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1845%Agugugug. Glug glug glug. `Oh, Noah, Noah! Save us! Save us!' `No!'
1845%-- Bart plays with a biblical pop-up book, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1846%Bart: At all times, let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid
1846% as a cedar.
1846%Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation]
1846%Rabbi K: But, my short learned friend, the book of Joshua says, ``You
1846% shall medidate on the torah all day and all night.''
1846%Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation]
1846%Man: All night?
1846%-- Dueling scriptures, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1847%Lisa: [tired] Here you go, Bart. It's a longshot, but that's all
1847% I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
1847%Bart: [stares at her]
1847%Lisa: Bart! I am going to learn ancient Hebrew!!
1847%-- But you already know pig Latin, how much different can it be?
1847% ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1848%Moe: [moved to tears] I got something in my eye...
1848%Barney: Here, take my hankie.
1848%Moe: [sees Barney's filthy handkerchief] Agh!
1848%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1849%Lisa: [on the phone]
1849% Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
1849%Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
1849%Lisa: I called her; she's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty,
1849% Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught
1849% the snake in our basement.
1849%Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
1849%-- My one and only, ``Lisa's Pony''
1850%Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out
1850%that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show
1850%after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in
1850%the first five rows: You get wet.
1850%-- Principal Skinner opens the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony''
1851%Homer: [sees sign: Open 10 - 7, checks his watch. It's 6:55]
1851% Whew! Just in the nick of
1851% [spots Moe's Tavern next door]
1851% Mmmmmm. Beeeeer.
1851%-- Your attention, please, ``Lisa's Pony''
1852%Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store
1852% closes.
1852%Moe: Well, why don't you go there first?
1852%Homer: Hey! Do I tell you how to do job?
1852%Moe: Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer]
1852%Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
1852%Moe: Sorry, Homer.
1852%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1853%Jerry: What's the matter, buddy?
1853%Homer: The moron next door closed early!
1853%Jerry: I happen to be that moron.
1853%Homer: Oh... Me and my trenchant mouth!
1853%-- For whom the bold tells, ``Lisa's Pony''
1854%Pr. Skinner: [watchs Milhouse's pathetic act]
1854% Oh terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse
1854% every year. [comes out on stage]
1854% Wonderful! You know, I think this is the best pageant we've
1854% ever had. I really do!
1854%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1855%Homer: Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl
1855% you're disappointing. [looks through his wallet]
1855% Well, I don't have one.
1855%-- Use your imagination, ``Lisa's Pony''
1856%Moe: Come on, Jer, open up, be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your
1856% wife out of that burning car?
1856%Jerry: Well, okay, okay. But now we're even.
1856%-- Begging Jerry to open his music shop, ``Lisa's Pony''
1857%Jerry: What instrument does she play?
1857%Homer: ... [whining] I don't know...
1857%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony''
1858%Lisa: Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible!
1858%Marge: Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is...
1858% [imagines Homer fixing a flat tire] Maybe.
1858% [imagines Homer chased up a tree by a bear] No.
1858% [imagines Homer abducted by aliens] That's a long shot.
1858% [imagines Homer at Moe's Tavern] Bingo.
1858%-- Whatever remains, however improbable... ``Lisa's Pony''
1859%Jerry: Clarinet?
1859%Homer: No.
1859%Jerry: Oboe?
1859%Homer: No.
1859%Jerry: Saxophone?
1859%Homer: No. Wait a minute, what was that last one again?
1859%Jerry: Saxophone!
1859%Homer: [recalls] Lisa, stop playing that stupid... saxophone! Yes, that's it!
1859%Jerry: Alto or tenor?
1859%Homer: D'oh!
1859%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony''
1860%[singing] My ding-a-ling. My ding-a-ling.
1860%I want you to play with my ding-a-ling...
1860%-- Student's entry in the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony''
1861%Let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of Stormy Leather, uh, Weather.
1861%-- Principal Skinner's reduction, er, introduction, ``Lisa's Pony''
1862%Homer: Look, I let you down, and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it
1862% right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
1862%Lisa: [not convincingly] I forgive you.
1862%Homer: D'oh! You didn't mean that!
1862%Lisa: No, I didn't.
1862%-- Some things are not lost on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
1863%Lisa: [as a baby, taking her first steps]
1863%Marge: [o.s.] Look, Homer! Lisa's taking her first steps!
1863%Homer: [engrossed in watching TV] You taping it?
1863%Marge: Yes.
1863%Homer: I'll watch it later.
1863%-- Let's go to the videotape, ``Lisa's Pony''
1864%Tattoo: De plane! De plane!
1864%Mr. R: No, my freakish little friend. That's a seagull.
1864%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony''
1865%Lisa: [as a baby, in her high chair] Dada? Dada?
1865%Marge: [o.s.] Did you hear that, Homer?
1865% [pan over to Homer strangling Bart]
1865%Homer: Marge, please, I'm busy!
1865%-- Lisa's first words, ``Lisa's Pony''
1866%Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start
1866%with Maggie.
1866%-- Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
1867%Marge: Homey, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep
1867% spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
1867%Homer: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm going to,
1867% you know, go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that
1867% quick fix idea.
1867%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1868%Homer: I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
1868%Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
1868%Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford
1868% to buy a pony.
1868%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1869%Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.
1869%Homer: Mm.
1869%Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
1869%Homer: Buh!
1869%Marge: Those aren't even words!
1869%Homer: Snuh!
1869%Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light]
1869%Homer: [huge grin]
1869%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1870%Oh my! What is that smell! [sees Homer] Oh, it's you.
1870%-- Pet shop owner, ``Lisa's Pony''
1871%Homer: Excuse me, do you sell ponies?
1871%Owner: Uh, sure, pal. Right here. [points at a cage]
1871%Homer: [reads the sign] Scottish deer hound. [$259] Hey! This is a dog!
1871%Owner: Oh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for!
1871%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1872%Homer: Now lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl, and I don't care what
1872% it costs.
1872%Lady: Very good. That stunning creature over there is half
1872% a million dollars.
1872%Homer: Half a million dollars!?
1872%Lady: He was sired by Seattle Slew, and his mother won the Kentucky Derby.
1872%Homer: Wow.
1872%Lady: His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.
1872%-- Shopping around for ``Lisa's Pony''
1873%Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from
1873%home?
1873%-- Homer shops for ``Lisa's Pony''
1874%Burns: [appears behind the employee credit union desk] Hello.
1874%Homer: Ack!
1874%Burns: [reads the loan application] Simpson, eh?
1874%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony''
1875%Burns: Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
1875%Homer: [slowly] Usury?
1875%Burns: Oh, silly me! I must've just made up a word that doesn't exist.
1875%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1876%Smithers: You have any collateral?
1876%Burns: Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral.
1876%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1877%Burns: Just sign this form, and the money will be yours. Muhahahahaha....
1877% Ahem. Sorry, I was just um, eh, um, thinking of something funny
1877% Smithers did today.
1877%Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today.
1877%Burns: [hand over mouth] Shut! up!
1877%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1878%Lady: Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?
1878%Homer: [shoving the pony into the back seat] Of course!
1878%-- Buying ``Lisa's Pony''
1879%Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
1879%Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
1879%Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
1879%Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
1879%-- The squeaky wheel gets the squat, ``Lisa's Pony''
1880%Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
1880%Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the
1880% neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars
1880% in our garage.
1880%Lisa: Dad, no!
1880%Marge: That's illegal!
1880%Homer: That's for the courts to decide!
1880%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1881%This is what love costs a month?
1881%-- Homer sees the $530/month bill for stable fees to house ``Lisa's Pony''
1882%Lady: I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge,
1882% pronunciation.
1882%Lisa: [atop Princess, in riding gear]
1882% Fahther, you've made me the happiest gahl who ever lived!
1882%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1883%Grampa: [fumbling with the joystick] What do I do?
1883%Bart: Grampa, you want to go to the right?
1883%Grampa: Yes?
1883%Bart: Move the joystick to the left.
1883%Grampa: Yes, move the... What's a joystick! You didn't tell me...
1883%Bart: Ooh, ahh, ooh, ooh, here comes a
1883% Xylon Cruiser! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1883%Grampa: A Xylon Cruiser!?
1883%Bart: Go into hyperspace! Ready? Hit it!
1883%Grampa: Wha? WHERE'S THE HYPERSPACE!
1883%Bart: Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the...
1883%Grampa: I'm the what!? I thought I was
1883% guy. [the ship explodes] Ohhhhh!
1883%Bart: Game's over, Grampa.
1883%Grampa: I got down on the floor for this!?
1883%-- Playing video games, ``Lisa's Pony''
1884%Lisa: Wait Dad, I've got something for you. [kisses him]
1884%Homer: Oh, I was hoping it'd be money.
1884%-- How to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1885%Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
1885%Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases
1885% she doesn't even have!
1885%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1886%First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back!
1886%Make up your mind!
1886%-- Homer argues with Marge over ``Lisa's Pony''
1887%Homer: There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work
1887% for it! Do you have any jewelry you don't need any more?
1887%Marge: Mmmmmmm.....
1887%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony''
1888%Homer: Oh, I need money.
1888%Apu: Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my
1888% ribs, or better yet, you could inquire about my help-wanted sign.
1888%Homer: You're looking for help?
1888%Apu: Yes, we need someone for the demanding yet high-profile midnight to
1888% 8am shift.
1888%Homer: I'm your man!
1888%Apu: You're hired. Oh, how I dreamed the day would come when one of
1888% would be working for .
1888%-- Must've been the jam, ``Lisa's Pony''
1889%Chuck: She certainly tamed that horse.
1889%Student 2: Yes, but what man can tame her?
1889%-- Watching Lisa and ``Lisa's Pony''
1890%Apu: I won't lie to you. On this job, you be shot at.
1890% [reveals his chest] Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor.
1890%Homer: [taking notes] Badge of honor.
1890%Apu: Here's a pointer. Try to take it in the shoulder.
1890%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
1891%Apu: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are
1891% strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and
1891% buys them.
1891%Homer: But I eat... Oh.
1891%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
1892%Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room?
1892% I did something last night that I'm not proud of, and I don't want
1892% the kids to hear it.
1892%Bart: Busted!
1892%Homer: [in the other room, explaining] I'll work from midnight to eight,
1892% come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more
1892% minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love,
1892% then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
1892%Bart: [at the breakfast table, hears a thud] Oh my God, she killed him!
1892% [rushes into the living room; Homer has passed out, asleep]
1892%-- Death of a Kwik-E-Mart Salesman, ``Lisa's Pony''
1893%Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates
1893%on the dairy products!
1893%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony''
1894%Marge: Homer, how long do you plan to do this?
1894%Homer: I don't know. How long do horses live?
1894%Marge: Thirty years.
1894%Homer: D'oh!
1894%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1895%Johnny Carson: I just heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating
1895% a McNugget.
1895%Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho!
1895%Bart: Well, it's still fun to be up late.
1895%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony''
1896%All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in
1896%my face.
1896%-- Lisa has to decide the fate of ``Lisa's Pony''
1897%Oh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.
1897%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony''
1898%Lisa: I gave up the pony.
1898%Homer: You did?
1898%Lisa: Mm hm. There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
1898%Homer: Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus?
1898%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1899%Apu, you can take this job and restaff it!
1899%-- Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
1900%He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the
1900%best damned employee a convenience store ever had.
1900%-- Apu on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
1901%I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as ``Buck
1901%Henderson, Union Buster'' and ``Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory''.
1901%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1902%Troy: I'm here to tell you about `Spiffy!', the twenty-first-century
1902% stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
1902%Nick: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody!
1902%All: Hi, Dr. Nick!
1902%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1903%Nick: Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul
1903% Edgar Allen Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
1903%Troy: One of our best writers.
1903%Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone
1903% into a depressing eyesore.
1903%Troy: So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
1903%Nick: Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the
1903% body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy, removes all the grime]
1903%All: Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!
1903% [The name `POE' twinkles (add visual and sound effects).]
1903%Troy: Quoth the raven, ``What a shine!''
1903%Homer: [watching the show] Ooooh! That's one clean tombstone!
1903%-- For all your tombstone-cleaning needs,
1903% I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1904%Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones,
1904% for only $39.95!
1904%All: Booo! [a chair is heaved on stage]
1904%Troy: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
1904%Homer: [watching the show] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
1904%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1905%Bart: Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
1905%Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!
1905%Bart: Oh. Check.
1905%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1906%Okay, I'll throw in a bottle, the applicator glove, and a
1906%state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95! [crowd goes wild]
1906%-- Dr. Nick Riviera hawks `Spiffy' on I Can't Believe They Invented It!
1906% ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1907%Homer: Patty! Selma! What a pleasant surprise!
1907%Patty: [grunt] Whaddya know, he's wearing pants.
1907%Selma: I owe you a lunch.
1907%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1908%Expiration date? June nineteen eighty ni--uh.... 2012, yeah...
1908%-- Homer orders junk off the TV again, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1909%Marge: Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone.
1909%Homer: [sugary-sweet] Oh, sure, great idea. I've love to.
1909% [sees Lisa] D'oh!! Did you hear that?
1909%Lisa: Yes.
1909%Homer: How much?
1909%Lisa: Everything.
1909%Homer: What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?
1909%Lisa: Uh.... Take us to the video store?
1909%Homer: Anything for my little girl.
1909%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1910%[Bart wields an acetylene torch, his safety goggles neatly perched atop his
1910% head (not over his eyes).]
1910%Homer: Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. (Stupid kid.)
1910%-- Safety last, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1911%Skowie: [pumped full of lead by a passing motorcyclist, lying in a pool
1911% of his own blood] Damn, damn damn. McBain?
1911%McBain: Yes?
1911%Skowie: I'm not going to make it.
1911%McBain: Oh, stop talking crazy!
1911%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1912%Homer: [watches a scene from McBain on the video store monitors]
1912%Clerk: You want to rent it, sir?
1912%Homer: Why? I just saw the best part! Heh heh heh heh.
1912%-- At the VHS Village, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1913%They called him the Galloping Gazelle.
1913%[football player prances ballet-like across the field]
1913%His habitat the frozen tundra of Soldier Field.
1913%[The player does a double somersault into the end zone]
1913%For six seasons and two Pro Bowls, he grazed on the tasty green turf of
1913%the end zone. Until one fateful Sunday in November, when the Gazelle
1913%was stopped in his tracks...
1913%[hand reaches out and grabs the GG's face mask, snapping his neck]
1913%... by a big cat named Wayne Sciersheski.
1913%-- Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1914%The compound fracture, truly one of football's greatest injuries.
1914%-- Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1915%Marge: Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you
1915% to take.
1915%TV: [crunch] Augh!
1915%Homer; Oh, great, you made me miss Joe Theismann!
1915%-- Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1916%Marge: [reading a questionnaire] What are your son's hobbies?
1916%Homer: Well he's always chewing on the phone cord.
1916%Marge: Oh, he hasn't done that since he was two.
1916%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1917%Bart: [hammering away]
1917%Homer: Bart, you don't have any hobbies, do you, boy?
1917%Bart: No, not really.
1917%Homer: Well, that what I... Wait a minute, what are you doing?
1917%Bart: Building a soap box derby racer.
1917%Homer: Ohhhhhhh! That's a hobby!
1917%Bart: Hey, so it is!
1917%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1918%Homer: I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father! [bawls]
1918%Selma: You're also fat.
1918%Homer: I'm also fat! [bawls more]
1918%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1919%Mr. Simpson, we'll send a wood-paneled station wagon over for you immediately.
1919%-- Dave from the National Fatherhood Institute, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1920%Dave: Mr. Simpson, if you want to be a good father, you have to spend
1920% time with your son.
1920%Homer: Well, that's easy for you to say, you .. preachy .. egg-headed ..
1920% institute guy! How much do you see son?
1920%Dave: Why don't you ask him yourself? Homer, meet Dave, Jr.
1920%Homer: [stunned] Huh?
1920%Dave: How's your research, coming, son?
1920%Dave, Jr: I think we're near a breakthrough.
1920%Dave: Good work.
1920%Dave, Jr: [leaving] Thanks, Dad.
1920%Homer: Oh, how I envy you.
1920%Dave: Homer, that easy back-and-forth you just witnessed didn't happen
1920% overnight. It took years of effort.
1920%-- The National Fatherhood Institute, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1921%Homer: Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer.
1921%Bart: Thanks, but I'm almost done. Why don't you get back on the couch
1921% and watch TV.
1921%Homer: Okay. [catches himself] Urgh. No!
1921%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1922%Homer: [reading] Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity:
1922% No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the
1922% opposite. Huh?
1922% [inner voice] Don't you get it!? You gotta use reverse psychology!
1922% [out loud] Well, that sounds too complicated.
1922% [inner voice] Okay, use reverse psychology.
1922% [out loud] All right, I will!
1922%-- His own worst enemy, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1923%Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved The Simpsons!
1923%-- Homer thanks the author of `Fatherhood', ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1924%Judge: Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area.
1924%Nelson: Fine! [extinguishes his cigarette on his tongue]
1924%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1925%Nelson: Hey, [Bart] Simpson, where's your loser-mobile?
1925%Homer: Loser-mobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute!
1925%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1926%It hurts! It hurts! Owie owie owie ow!
1926%-- Martin is wheeled into the hospital, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1927%Hey man, cool crash! Way to cheat death.
1927%-- Bart visits Martin in the hospital, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1928%Oh, I don't know if I should do that. My dad and I build our car
1928%together, and if I drove somebody else's it'd kill him! On the other
1928%hand... I'll do it!
1928%-- Bart's dilemma, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1929%Okay Bart, we've got a lot of work to do on the car, so I'm going to
1929%pull you out of school for the next couple of weeks...
1929%-- Homer sets to work on the soap box racer, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1930%Bart: Dad, I love you, but, you taught me to win.
1930%Homer: When did I ever teach you that?
1930%Bart: Well, I picked it up somewhere.
1930%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1931%Lisa: Dad, can you take me to Dr. Hibbert's office?
1931%Homer: Why? What's wrong?
1931%Lisa: Oh, nothing. I just scheduled a tetanus booster.
1931% Maybe I'm being a little anal, but barefoot season is coming
1931% up and there's a world of rusty nails out there!
1931%Homer: Oh, sure, I'll take you, wait with you, worry about you,
1931% and then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car.
1931% This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa!
1931%Lisa: Mm...
1931%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1932%Bart: Dad, aren't you coming?
1932%Homer: No!
1932%Marge: Now, don't pout.
1932%Homer: I'm not pouting. are!
1932%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1933%Barney: My friend [Moe] and I have a bet. Are you Mary Tyler Moore?
1933%Patty: [maces him]
1933%Barney: Waugh! [belch] Ooh, wow! It really you!
1933%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1934%Martin: Bart, if she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands
1934% or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators.
1934% [notices Bart isn't paying attention]
1934% Bart, what did I just tell you?
1934%Bart: Kill spectators.
1934%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1935%Martin: What is the matter with you!
1935%Bart: It's my dad. Lying there on the couch, drinking a beer, staring
1935% at the TV... I've never seen him like that.
1935%-- A change of environment, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1936%To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor.
1936%[aside] Check out the rack on the blonde in the fourth row!
1936%-- `Diamond' Joe Quimby takes a cue from the Kennedys,
1936% ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1937%The world has not seen the likes of this since the French carried
1937%Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders from Le Bourget Field.
1937%-- Soap box derby announcer, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1938%Wow! Info-tainment!
1938%-- Homer watches `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1939%Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard
1939%Fire. Twenty-five years, and still burning strong!
1939%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1940%Kent: We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.
1940% [caption reads, ``Opposites attract?'']
1940%Homer: He's not so fat.
1940%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1941%Kent: And we visit with heavyweight champion Dreaderick Tatum, who
1941% reminisces about growing up in Springfield.
1941%Tatum: That town is a dump. If you ever see me back there,
1941% you'll know I really [bleep]ed up bad.
1941%-- A candid interview, ``Flaming Moe's''
1942%But first! Part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini!
1942%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1943%Whoa! T and A!
1943%-- Bart catches a glimpse of `Eye on Springfield's story on bikinis,
1943% ``Flaming Moe's''
1944%Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what
1944% your husband's job will be.
1944%Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
1944%Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be
1944% an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
1944%Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.
1944%Lisa: The wax never lies...
1944%-- Lisa's slumber party, ``Flaming Moe's''
1945%Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets... to brush!
1945%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1946%Homer: What is it, boy?
1946%Bart: Mmph. Mmph. Mmph.
1946%Homer: Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
1946%Bart: [takes a pad and writes, `Say my name'.]
1946%Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
1946%Bart: Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
1946%Homer: [punches Bart in the arm]
1946%Bart: Ow! What was that for!?
1946%Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm!
1946% Sorry, it's the law! Heh heh.
1946%-- A kid at heart, ``Flaming Moe's''
1947%Homer: What's the matter, Moe?
1947%Moe: Oh, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less.
1947% You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one
1947% would even use the cigarette machine.
1947%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1948%Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a
1948%purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
1948%-- Moe, ``Flaming Moe's''
1949%Gin and... tonic? [in disbelief] Do they mix?
1949%-- Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, ``Flaming Moe's''
1950%Selma: [showing slides] And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor
1950% into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.
1950% [next slide, of a hairy-legged Patty] As you can see, we never
1950% did get the hang of it.
1950%Bart: Aye, carumba!
1950%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1951%I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
1951%In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup.
1951%[mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down]
1951%[waves his hand in front of his face]
1951%It passed the first test: I didn't go blind.
1951%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''
1952%I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD.
1952%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''
1953%Wow, Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!
1953%-- Moe tastes a Flaming Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''
1954%Hey, this drink is delicious. And my phlegm feels looser!
1954%-- Snake oil not included, ``Flaming Moe's''
1955%Barney: [discovers the salad bar] Hey, what's this?
1955%Moe: A sneeze guard.
1955%Barney: [sneezes, spewing snot all over the sneeze guard] Wow, it really works!
1955%-- An ounce of prevention, ``Flaming Moe's''
1956%Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down
1956%on you for accepting food stamps.
1956%-- Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''
1957%The Flaming Moe is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood
1957%and sweat are in this drink?
1957%[everybody in the bar spits out their drink]
1957%Uh, figure of speech.
1957%-- Moe refuses to sell out, ``Flaming Moe's''
1958%Martin: So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank
1958% Mr. A. J. P. Martin.
1958%Ms. K: [applauding] Oh, brilliant, Martin, brilliant! Once again, you've
1958% wrecked the grading curve. Oh, I pity the poor student who has
1958% to follow you. [consults her sheet] Bart Simpson, you're next.
1958%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''
1959%The Inventor I Admire, by Bart Simpson.
1959%The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man or even a smart
1959%man. He's my father, Homer Simpson.
1959%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1960%Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
1960% [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor]
1960%Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
1960%Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody.
1960%Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge! You can have what's left at the
1960% end of the day.
1960%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''
1961%Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day!
1961%Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
1961%Quimby: It can be two things!
1961%-- Serving one's country, ``Flaming Moe's''
1962%Moe: How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Aerosmith!
1962%Aerosmith: Nah, I don't think so Moe, we're just hanging out, etc.
1962%Moe: C'mon guys, free pickled eggs!
1962%Aerosmith: Awright! Yeah! [head onstage]
1962%-- The price of fame? ``Flaming Moe's''
1963%Ms.K: [heavy make-up, in a tube top] Hiya, scrumptious.
1963% Do you want to ignite my drink?
1963%Homer: You're my kid's teacher!
1963%Ms.K: Single parent, are we?
1963%Homer: No!
1963%Ms.K: [lasciviously] Well, let's pretend you are...
1963%-- Ms. Krabappel lets it all hang out at... ``Flaming Moe's''
1964%If there was any justice, face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
1964%-- Homer gripes about Moe's phenomenal success, ``Flaming Moe's''
1965%Moe: [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's.
1965%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name
1965% Hugh.
1965%Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calling] Hugh Jass! Somebody check the
1965% men's room for a Hugh Jass!
1965%Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
1965%Moe: Telephone. [hands over the receiver]
1965%Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
1965%Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi.
1965%Hugh: Who's this?
1965%Bart: Bart Simpson.
1965%Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
1965%Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that
1965% sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
1965%Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man.
1965%-- Nobody's perfect, ``Flaming Moe's''
1966%When the weight of the world has got you down
1966% and you want to end your life.
1966%Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
1966% and problems with the wife.
1966%But don't throw in the tow'l,
1966% 'cuz there's a place right down the block...
1966%Where you can drink your misery away...
1966%At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
1966%When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
1966% can warm you like a hug. (Flaming Moe's...)
1966%And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
1966%Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
1966%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''
1967%Barney: [comes into Flaming Moe's]
1967%All: Barney!
1967%Bartender: How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumbel?
1967%Barney: [belch]
1967%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''
1968%Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the
1968%secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing!
1968%-- Prof. John Fink's attempt to discover the recipe for a Flaming Moe,
1968% ``Flaming Moe's''
1969%Kent: Next on `Eye on Springfield',
1969% a toast to Moe! the Wizard of Walnut Street.
1969%Moe: The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the
1969% czar.
1969%-- Continuing the tradition of rewriting history, ``Flaming Moe's''
1970%Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
1970%Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
1970%Homer: [whines] Oh!
1970%Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78.
1970% How about that! I looked something up!
1970% These books behind me don't just make the office look good,
1970% they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
1970%-- The Great Hutzby, ``Flaming Moe's''
1971%Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
1971%Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that
1971% something you created is making so many people happy.
1971%Homer: [sickly sweet] Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy!
1971% I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on
1971% Lollipop Lane! [leaves the room, slamming the door]
1971% [pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
1971% [closes the door]
1971%Marge: Well, DUH!
1971%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1972%Now what I call a Happy Hour.
1972%-- Moe in bed with the waitress, ``Flaming Moe's''
1973%Woman: Morris, something troubles me.
1973%Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.
1973%-- Moe and the waitress in bed, ``Flaming Moe's''
1974%Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe...
1974%Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today?
1974%Bart: Okay, but you promised me mo' money.
1974%Marge: I mo, I mo.
1974%Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe...
1974%Lisa: When Bart's done, can we mo to the moe-vies? There's a moe-tinee.
1974%Marge: Of course! All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe.
1974%Bart: Moe moe moe moe moe?
1974%Marge: Moe moe moe.
1974%Lisa: Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe.
1974%Bart: Moe-moe-moe moe.
1974%Maggie: [removes her pacifier] Moe.
1974%-- Moe Better Blues (or... Persistence of Moe-mory), ``Flaming Moe's''
1975%Joey: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.
1975%Ms.K: [lasciviously playing with the drumsticks] Come and get 'em...
1975%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1976%Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?
1976%Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she
1976% was better off here.
1976%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1977%> Voice credits
1977%>> Starring
1977% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Krusty, Barney, Quimby)
1977% Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty)
1977% Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
1977% Yeardley Smith (Lisa, Maggie)
1977% Hank Azaria (Moe, Dr. John Frink)
1977% \: and
1977% Harry Shearer (Kent Brockman, Bernard)
1977%>> Also Starring
1977% Jo Ann Harris (Wanda?)
1977% Russi Taylor (Janey?, Martin)
1977%>> Special Guest Voices
1977% Aerosmith
1977% Steven Tyler
1977% Joe Perry
1977% Brad Whitford
1977% Tom Hamilton
1977% Joey Kramer
1977%>> Special Guest Voice
1977% Phil Hartman (Lionel Hutz)
1977%>> Special Guest Voice
1977% Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabappel)
1977%>> Uncredited
1977% Catherine O'Hara (Waitress)
1978%> Didja notice...
1979% ... between the floorboards are a pipe clearly labelled `lead'
1979% and insulation clearly labelled `asbestos'?
1979% There was also a dead rat in front of the insulation. {em}
1979% ... the girls were eating rice krispies/marshmallow treats at the
1979% slumber party?
1979% (Wouldn't this cause problems for the girl who wears braces?)
1979% Didja also know that a recent survey revealed that the majority
1979% of Brits don't know what rice krispies are made from?
1979% ... Moe was cheating at solitaire? [JYANOWITZ@hamp.hampshire.edu]
1979% He had placed two red cards atop each other.
1979% [Actually, I noticed that one pile didn't even have an up-card.
1979% And of course, Moe didn't bother to turn all the cards to face the
1979% same way before he shuffled them. --rjc]
1979% ... Martin used a collapsible pointer during his oral report?
1979% ... Bart ``paper bag head'' Simpson was hiding behind a paper bag?
1979% ... Marge's wig (identical to her regular hair) on the dresser?
1979% ... the mugger in front of Homer's new watering hole, The Aristocrat? {rc}
1980%Did you remember to thank Mr. A. J. P. Martin when Dr. Frink used the gas
1980%chromatograph?
1981%Dave Hall {dh}:
1981% ... some of the people floating on the dead sea look more dead than alive?
1981% ... the table (with the gas chromatograph) disappeared after Martin's
1981% presentation?
1981% ... Ms. Krabappel's desk? An apple core, and books which face away
1981% from her (so she can't read the title).
1981% ... the picture that Bart took out of the bag appears to be the one
1981% from the TV room?
1981% ... Krusty slipped money into Bernard's hand?
1981% ... the `live' lizard around Kent Brockman's date's neck?
1981% (Is she the weather girl?)
1981% ... the large mouse (rat?) hole in Moe's bedroom? There are also
1981% lady's shoes on his side of the bed.
1981% ... how Marge handles her plate of bacon and eggs as she sat down?
1981% Note the look on her face. (You need slo-mo or FF for this one.)
1982%> Mixed reviews
1983%Catherine Stanton {cs}: What a classic. It's a shame they're still
1983%having the sappy endings. I was hoping Moe would go broke or something.
1984%inde6bc@JANE.UH.EDU: What's with the sappy episodes, anyway? It seems like
1984%every show this season has been capped with a sappy ending. Still a
1984%pretty good episode, though. Bart's first kiss was a success.
1985%Roby Sherman (rsherman@mthvax.cs.miami.edu): Excellent episode.
1986%Eric C. Williams (eric@npri6.npri.com): Best of the season. Just the
1986%right balance of humor and darkness. Loved the way the `normal' townsfolk
1986%acquired alter egos in the bar.
1987%Dora Kilburn {dk3}: I thought it was just another episode. There was
1987%really nothing that was very memorable for me. My biggest laugh was
1987%the couch scene.
1988%Bryan Kelln {bk}: An excellent episode. One of the best.
1989%David Moery {dm}: By far the best episode this season, and definitely one
1989%of the all-time greats.
1990%Scott Amspoker {sa}: Excellent episode. I laughed out loud many times
1990%last night.
1991%J. D. Baldwin {jdb}: This episode was immediately catapulted into the
1991%pantheon of the greats. Right up there with `Itchy & Scratchy & Marge' and
1991%`Bart the General'. It even had an appearance by Scratchy!
1992%Ron Carter {rc}: Another superb episode; Lisa's PJ party was funny 'cause
1992%it's true.
1993%Yours Truly {rjc}: Soopoib. `Eye on Springfield' was great, but I fell
1993%on the floor when Lisa's slumber party went after Bart. Bart overturned
1993%furniture to impede the girls' progress, just like they do on TV! [J. D.
1993%Baldwin {jdb} responds, ``TV, hell! I have three younger sisters, and I
1993%survived pre-adolescence only thanks to tricks very much like this one!'']
1993%But the best part was easily The Song. (They even had the car driving past
1993%before the song starts.) I've been singing that song for days now...
1994%> Movie (and other) References
1995% Truth or Dare
1995% - the girls play the game
1995% North by Northwest
1995% - the music as the girls chase Bart {hrl}
1995% ~ Close Encounters of the Third Kind
1995% - removing the screws to get at Bart
1995% Gilbert Godfreid
1995% - Moe's ``I'm Moe and I invented it''
1995% [JYANOWITZ@hamp.hampshire.edu] {lt}
1995% Cocktail
1995% - Tipsy McStagger's and buying a drink for a chain of bars {rc}
1995% + Cheers
1995% - The Song and The Pictures.
1995% - a lascivious head bartender (Moe/Sam).
1995% - the waitress
1995% - pseudo-intellectual (``shan't'', ``Morris'') {ez}
1995% - moralistic {slp} Note her body language when she
1995% scolds Moe for stealing Homer's recipe. {ez}
1995% - ``She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she
1995% was better off here.'' {slp} Shelley Long left Cheers to
1995% pursue a movie career, but never recaptured the fame she had
1995% while on Cheers.
1995% - insult-based sexual banter between the bartender and waitress.
1995% - they also end up sleeping together. {slp}
1995% - a Woody-like bartender constantly polishing shot glasses. {ez}
1995% - a fat slob dressed in a suit jacket (Barney/Norm).
1995% - ``Barney!'' followed by a leading question from the bartender.
1995% + Sean Penn
1995% - Krusty punches out a photographer.
1995% + The Nutty Professor
1995% - ``And the secret ingredient is... LOVE!'' {rc}
1995% + Phantom of the Opera
1995% - Homer's haughty speech from the rafters.
1995% - Notice the robe deftly draped over his face like the Phantom's mask.
1995% Hunchback of Notre Dame {rc}
1996%> Freeze Frame Fun
1997%As usual, all items tagged with a `-' are courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}.
1997%Items tagged with a `+' are due to Dave Hall {dh}.
1998%>> Eye On Springfield
1999% - Springfield sign a la HOLLYWOOD sign
1999% Statue of town founder Jebediah O. Z. J. Springfield
1999% (accompanied by a buxom brunette striking the same pose)
1999% Sir Putt-a-Lot's Merrie Olde Fun Center
1999% 3 bikini-clad babes standing on the fairway of the 1st hole.
1999% (First hole: Alligator standing, wearing boxing gloves;
1999% center hole leads to the parking lot...) {jpc}
1999% - Larry's Chinese Theatre
1999% - ``Here is [sic] looking at you, Larry'' (signed) McBain
1999% Kent makes handprints on his own cement panel.
1999% Afterwards, he shakes hands with a suited gentleman (his hands
1999% still dripping with cement)
1999% + A Laramee billboard on the side of the theater.
1999% - Springfield Downs (Greyhound dog races)
1999% + The hounds didn't come out of their proper gates (i.e. The numbers on
1999% their backs didn't match the numbers on the gates.)
1999% + Some people at the downs:
1999% + Jasper
1999% + Lenny
1999% + Karl
1999% + Barney
1999% + Herman
1999% - The Jazzhole (Bleeding Gums Murphy appearing)
1999% - Springfield War Memorial Stadium
1999% - The Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor (cf [7G08])
1999% - Manager's Special Up to 12 Letters Only $15.95 The Perfect Gift!
1999% Kent gets a giant tattoo on his back.
2000% + The great tire fire is even funnier because the old beat-up truck is shown
2000% to be brand-new in the old news footage. (Note the same tires in back of
2000% the truck, and the tree behind the fence, or the new building in the
2000% background?)
2000% + Springfield's oldest man appears to be Raliph Melish(sp?), the guy who got
2000% his driving license revoked by Patty in `Principal Charming'.
2001%>> Moe's Tavern
2002% The lost and found box
2002% Bowie knife
2002% troll doll
2002% glass eye (which rolls away and crashes to the floor)
2002% cough syrup
2002% Andrew Tannenbaum {trb} explains that troll dolls were very
2002% popular with little girls around 1965. The implication is
2002% clearly that Moe never got rid of anything in his lost and
2002% found box.
2002% - Isotopes sports banner on wall
2002% - Love Tester
2002% - Hot Tamale
2002% - Casanova
2002% - Hubba Hubba
2002% - Luke Warmish (also Luke Warm Luke)
2002% - Cold Fish
2002% + Steven Tyler scores `Hot Tamale' on the Love Tester.
2002% - Tipsy McStagger's Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium
2002% - Headlines with Moe's success
2002% - Springfield Shopper `Wizard of Walnut Street'
2002% - Timely `One Moe for the Road'
2002% - Bar and Stool Magazine `Through the Roof!'
2002% - People at Flaming Moe's
2002% - Jasper
2002% + Steven Tyler throws his scarf into a crowd of women, and
2002% Jasper catches it. Jasper proceeds to wipe his mouth with it.
2002% - Otto dancing with Princess Cashmere
2002% + Otto is wearing his headphones. What is he listening to?
2002% - Ned and Maude Flanders
2002% + Krusty
2002% + Dr. Marvin Monroe
2002% + Karl
2002% + Lenny
2002% + Barney
2002% + Ms. Krabappel
2002% Kent Brockman
2002% The two cops
2002% - Next door is `King Toot's Music Store'
2003%>> The Song
2004%>>> The Words, transcribed with the help of Ron Carter {rc}
2005%When the weight of the world has got you down
2005% and you want to end your life.
2005%Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
2005% and problems with the wife.
2005%But don't throw in the tow'l,
2005% 'cuz there's a place right down the block...
2005%Where you can drink your misery away...
2005%At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
2005%When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
2005% can warm you like a hug. (Flaming Moe's...)
2005%And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
2005%Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
2006%>>> The Images
2007% Taxicab drives past Flaming Moe's.
2007% Picture fades to black-and-white.
2007% A man is passed out on the sidewalk.
2007% The two cops enjoy a Flaming Moe (still in uniform)
2007% The waitress slaps Moe.
2007% A bar fight. One man's arm is bleeding. Another has blood
2007% dripping from his chin as he drops a bloody broken bottle
2007% when a third man coshes him on the head with a stool.
2007% Barney and Moe cheer the fight on.
2007% Steve Tyler scores ``Hot Tamale'' on the Love Tester.
2007% An incredibly slutty Ms. Krabappel has a sailor on each arm.
2007% The tavern packed with happy people (one of whom strikes the
2007% Al Smith pose in the final `Cheers' panel) as Homer stares
2007% through the window.
2008%>> The Aristocrat, the dive bar Homer pays a visit to
2009% + As Homer stepped out of his car
2009% + a cop car was chasing another car
2009% + a guy being robbed
2009% + a striped car
2009% + a wino (without shoes) passed out on the sidewalk
2009% + The bartender (with the patch over one eye) has a tattoo of a skull;
2009% the skull has a patch over the same eye.
2009% + Several bullet holes above the pay phone
2010%>> Lionel Hutz's bookshelf
2011% Our Legal System
2012%>> Homer's hallucination
2013%During Homer's wandering, he passes the TV shop. On the screens appear:
2014% - the Chief of Police of Springfield
2014% - Krusty
2014% - Dr. Marvin Monroe
2014% - Kent Brockman
2014% - Scratchy getting a stick of dynamite in the mouth (the
2014% pictures cuts -right- before it blows up, damn)
2014% - an unidentified couple ready to kiss (ala a soap opera)
2015%all the sets then `tune' to Moe's face...
2016% + Even the bear under Jebediah Springfield looked like Moe.
2017%>> Flaming Moe's knockoffs
2018% - Flaming Meaux
2018% - Famous Moe's, Established Last Night, Best Moe's in Town
2018% - Flaming Moe's pushcart
2019%>> Miscellaneous
2020%The Czechoslovakian outlet looked like this:
2021% | |
2021% | --
2022%> Animation and continuity goofs
2023%>> Door hinges
2024%Sandra Ann Salinger (salins@aix.rpi.edu) points out that, since Bart's door
2024%opens into the room, the hinges would be on the of the door, and
2024%the girls couldn't have removed them.
2025%>> Bart's escape
2026%In `Bart vs. Thanksgiving' [7f07] we see that there is a tree within
2026%easy climbing distance of Bart's window. But in this episode, Bart
2026%was forced to make a jump for it.
2027%>> The slide show
2028%First, we see Semla holding the slide projector's remote control, which is
2028%panel-like, but later while Patty's holding it, it's depicted as being
2028%trigger-like. {dh}
2029%>> Moe's Tavern
2030%All due to Dave Hall {dh}:
2031%Moe is standing in front of Homer with the blender between them, yet when
2031%Moe rolled the drink down the bar to the customer, the blender is to one
2031%side of them.
2032%The lid of the blender disappeared from Homer's hand when he poured the
2032%two drinks, yet it appears later to be on the top of the blender.
2033%Homer only made enough drink for him and Moe, but after the customer
2033%complaints about the Love Tester, it appears that the blender is half full
2033%again. (Taking into account the blender appeared to be empty for one
2033%scene.)
2034%For a couple of frames, Homer's hand passes under the drink. (i.e. drink
2034%overlays Homer's hand.)
2035%For some scenes, the bottles on the counter seem to move/disappear/change
2035%shape.
2036%After Moe places the towel over his shoulder, it disappeared after Mr.
2036%Bannister asked about the inventor of the `Flaming Moe'.
2037%A FF on Homer falling from the window shows several chain links
2037%breaking--something that couldn't possibly happen.
2038%>> Miscellaneous
2039%Also due to Dave Hall {dh}
2040%When the Camera pans from the TV room, it appears that Lisa's room is above
2040%the TV room, yet later, from the back view of the house, Lisa's room is
2040%over the kitchen.
2041%The note-pad next to the phone only appeared when Bart wanted Homer to say
2041%his name.
2042%Bart threw the note-pad to the floor, yet when Lisa's friend pointed her
2042%finger at Bart, the note-pad is nowhere to be seen.
2043%The TV remote disappeared from the couch for one scene.
2044%Only four girls went past Homer as they chased Bart. (Where did the
2044%fifth girl go?)
2045%While Homer sat at the dining room table, his Duff beer is placed in
2045%front of him, but you only see it during one scene only.
2046%> Comments and other observations
2047%>> A sappy ending?
2048%Stephen L. Peters {slp}: Where would Homer and Barney go? Like any
2048%sitcom, the rich get richer, and the poor get rich and then blow it all.
2049%Jamie Ide {ji}: How can you call that a sappy ending? Moe was about to
2049%close a million dollar deal and give half to Homer when Homer blew it.
2049%Moe's was back to being a dive bar (I'm sure Moe squandered his profits)
2049%and Homer still got no credit for inventing the Flaming Homer. IMHO, that
2049%was the least sappy ending so far this season.
2050%>> Potent potables
2051%>>> The Flaming Homer/Moe
2052%Ron Carter {rc} politely provides the recipe:
2052% Tequila, Schnapps, Creme De Menthe, and the `secret' ingredient:
2052% Krusty's Non Narkotik Kough Syrup For Kids (``Doc'' Krusty on the label)
2053%J. D. Baldwin {jdb} asks, ``If Moe had split the money and the credit for
2053%the drink with Homer, would it have been called the Flaming Ho-Moe?''
2054%>>> Virgin Moe
2055%Sean Graves (sean@cs.tamu.edu) asks: So if Lisa had a Virgin Moe, what
2055%would that be? Flaming cough syrup? Hmmm.
2056%>>> Harvey Wallbanger
2057%In case you didn't know, the `Frank Wallbanger' joke was a reference to
2057%this drink, consisting of orange juice, vodka, and Galiano.
2058%>> Eye on Springfield
2059%You'd have hoped that an Emmy-award-winning reporter wouldn't stoop to the
2059%level of info-tainment.
2060%J. D. Baldwin {jdb} observes that the episode originally aired during the
2060%1991 November Sweeps. ``This is the kind of thing that those
2060%`info-tainment' shows stoop to during sweeps. I laughed until I stopped.
2060%Not that I'm bad-mouthing bikini documentaries, you understand.''
2061%The episode repeated during the 1993 May Sweeps, the week after Cheers'
2061%final episode. You make the call.
2062%>> The wax game
2063%Theron Stanford {tws} thinks that that two different girls played the wax
2063%game. ``That's what was so funny--Lisa came up with a really clever idea
2063%to make the one girl feel good, but then left the other girl hanging.''
2064%>> The jinx
2065%David Hyatt {dh2} explains: ``If we say something at the same time,
2065%whoever says JINX last has to be silent until someone says their name.
2065%Played this all the time with my cousins. Hours of amusement!''
2066%>> Flaming Moe's bouncer
2067%Some people have suggested that the bouncer was Dreaderick ``I really
2067%[bleep]ed up bad'' Tatum, but I disagree.
2068%(1) The bouncer's name was Bernard.
2068%(2) Bernard has a deep voice. Tatum has a high-pitched voice.
2069%>> Ms. Krabappel
2070%Catherine Stanton {cs}: Just a word on Mrs. Krabappel (slut). I've
2070%always suspected that my teachers were like that after work. Not only is
2070%she a slut, but an ugly one at that.
2071%Stephen L. Peters {slp}: So far, we've seen Ms. K in the back seat of a
2071%car with a sushi chef and trying to seduce Lisa's substitute teacher. I'm
2071%not surprised she'd start hanging around bars if the opportunity arose... 8^)
2072%>> Bart's First Kiss?
2073%Hardly, notes Chris Baird {cjb}. He presents the Bart Simpson Kiss List:
2074% kisses racing slip [Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire]
2074% kissed by Homer [Bart the Genius]
2074% kissed by Sherry and Terry [Homer's Odyssey]
2074% kisses Homer [There's No Disgrace Like Home]
2074% kissed by Marge [Jacques to be Wild]
2074% kissed by pretty French brunette [The Crepes of Wrath]
2074% kisses Ms. Krabappel [Bart Gets an F]
2074% kissed by Marge (in dream) [Bart vs. Thanksgiving]
2074% kissed by Lisa [Bart vs. Thanksgiving]
2074% kissed by Marge [Bart the Daredevil]
2074% kissed by Homer (twice) [One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish]
2074% kissed by pretty lady [Saturdays of Thunder]
2074% kissed by `Susan' [Flaming Moe]
2075%>> Maggie's First Word?
2076%General consensus is that Maggie's ``Moe'' existed only in Homer's
2076%hallucination and therefore doesn't count. (Similar to her, ``It's your
2076%fault I can't talk!'' in `Bart vs. Thanksgiving'.) Some believe that
2076%Maggie actually did say something, but Homer heard it as `Moe'. Contrary
2076%evidence: (1) The rest of the family didn't seem to react much to Maggie's
2076%alleged first word. (2) Homer later hallucinated talking daisies, which
2076%means that he can hallucinate things that simply don't exist.
2077%>> Marge's sarcasm
2078%I was actually mildly shocked by Marge's outburst of sarcasm. (Which made
2078%it all the funnier, of course.) Seemed out of character for her.
2079%>> Aerosmith
2080%Mike Berman {msb} identifies the closing music as `Young Lust' from their
2080%album `Pump'.
2081%> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments
2082%Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1993 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed
2082%in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course,
2082%remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
2082%the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the
2082%compilation.)
2083%Broker: Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time
2083% in ten years.
2083%Homer: I own stock?
2083%Broker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain
2083% Constitutional rights.
2083%-- A fair exchange, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2084%For your information, I just made a cool $25 playing the market.
2084%Buy low, sell high, that's my motto.
2084%I may just quit my job at the power plant and become a full-time
2084%stock... market guy.
2084%-- Homer makes a killing on the stock market, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2085%Homer: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
2085%Man 1: Ach, nein. We are from Chermany. He is from ze East.
2085% I am from ze Vest.
2085%Man 2: I hat a big company, and he hat a big company, and now we
2085% have a very big company.
2085%Man 1: We are interested in buying the power plant.
2085% Do you think the owner will ever sell it?
2085%Homer: Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than
2085% $100 million!
2085%Man 2: 100 million?
2085%Man 1: [opens a briefcase of cash, counts] Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fuenf...
2085% Oh, don't vorry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
2085%-- Buy one, get one free, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2086%We'll have a savings account! We've never had one.
2086%-- Marge decides what to do with a stock market windfall,
2086% ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2087%Man 1: [hands Burns an offer of $100,000,000]
2087%Burns: Woo hoo! [dances about a bit] Ahem. I grudgingly accept.
2087%-- Driving a hard bargain, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2088%Len: Those lousy Germans can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to
2088% unjam the rod bottom dissociator.
2088%Karl: Well, they can't fire me. I'm the only one certified to run the
2088% gaseous contaminant particular [sic] fire.
2088%Homer: Well, they can't fire me!
2088%Len and Karl: Why?
2088%Homer: Because... [long silence]
2088%-- Reason enough, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2089%Horst: Guten Morgen. I am Horst. The new owners have elected me to speak
2089% with you because I am the most non-threatening. Perhaps I remind you
2089% of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes.
2089%All: Oh yeah, yeah he does.
2089%-- Familiarity breeds familiarity, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2090%Horst: Do we have any alcoholics among us?
2090% [hands slowly go up]
2090%Man 1: Uh, me?
2090%Man 2: Right here.
2090%Man 3: I'm drunk right now!
2090%-- Getting to know you, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2091%Horst: You will be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility
2091% in Hawaii, after which you will return at full pay.
2091%Len: Oh, great! [general agreement from other employees]
2091%Man 1: Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor!
2091%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2092%Horst: We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector.
2092%Homer: Hee hee. Yeah. Sock it to him, Horst!
2092%Len: Psst, Homer. Aren't the safety inspector?
2092%Homer: [sees his nametag, ``SAFETY INSPECTOR''] D'oh!
2092%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2093%``You look sharp today, sir.''
2093%``You looken sharpen todayen, mein Herr.''
2093%-- Smithers studies Sycophantic German, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2094%Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
2094%Lisa: Well, it's a country in Europe.
2094%Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.
2094%-- Teaching an old dog, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2095%Marge, it's not the money. My job is my identity.
2095%If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing!
2095%-- Homer fears the loss of his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2096%Hey you, stop being... so unsafe! Smitty! Safen up!
2096%-- Homer tries to look busy, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2097%Horst: Homer, could ve have a word with you?
2097%Homer: No.
2097%Horst: I must have phrased that badly.
2097% My English is, how you say, inelegant.
2097% I meant to say, may we have a brief friendly chat.
2097%Homer: No.
2097%Horst: Once again, I have failed. [consults phrasebook]
2097% We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange
2097% of ideas.
2097%Homer: [runs away in panic]
2097%-- Homer fears for his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2098%Man 1: You have been safety inspector for two years.
2098% What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
2098%Homer: Uh... All of them?
2098%Man 1: I see. ... Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
2098%Homer: I sure do!
2098%Man 1: [waits for a follow-up, which doesn't come]
2098%-- Homer tries to justify his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2099%Karl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.
2099%Len: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but aah, that's why pencils have
2099% erasers!
2099%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2100%Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret
2100%to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order:
2100% Simpson, Homer.
2100%That is all.
2100%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2101%Lisa: I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap
2101% slivers together! [holds up a multi-colored ball of soap slivers]
2101%Marge: That's very clever.
2101%Bart: And today, instead of buying comic books, I just read 'em and
2101% left 'em in the store.
2101%Marge: Mmm... You shouldn't do that.
2101%Lisa: My jumprope broke, but I just tied it back together.
2101%Marge: That's good, Lisa.
2101%Bart: I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow.
2101%Marge: I want you to take baths, Bart.
2101%-- The family try to scrape by, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2102%That's right. Gather the nectar, my little drones. And make the honey.
2102%Honey for your children...
2102%Fools! [laughs evilly]
2102%-- Burns watches his bee colony, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2103%Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
2103%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea.
2103%Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check.
2103% [calls] Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem!
2103% Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
2103%Barney: You sure do! [bar denizens laugh]
2103%Moe: Oh... [to phone] It's you, isn't it!
2103%Bart: [laughs]
2103%Moe: Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head
2103% for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
2103%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2104%Burns: Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?
2104%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Sector sieben-Grueber, I mean, sector 7-G.
2104%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2105%What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
2105%-- Burns learns the moral of the story, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2106%Burns: [begging] Please sell me my plant back. I'll pay anything.
2106%Horst: Isn't this a happy coincidence! You are desperate to buy, and we
2106% are desperate to sell.
2106%Burns: [calculatingly] Desperate, eh? ... Advantage: Burns!
2106%-- Reversal of fortune, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2107%Horst: [threatingly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
2107%Burns: [recoils in mock horror]
2107% Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!
2107% [hiding behind Smithers] Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
2107%Horst: Stop it!
2107%Man 2: Stop, sir.
2107%Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me.
2107% Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
2107%Man 2: Please stop the `pretending you are scared' game, please.
2107%Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
2107%Burns: [brief pause, then resumes]
2107% No! They're so big and strong!
2107%Man 2: Stop it.
2107%Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
2107%Man 2: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
2107%Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans...
2107%Horst: Burns, STOP IT!
2107%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
2108%Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone
2108% with a better-known brand?
2108%Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
2108%-- And smoke it, ``I Married Marge''
2109%Ahoy, Maties!
2109%If the water turns blue, a baby for you!
2109%If purple ye see, no baby thar be!
2109%If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!
2109%-- Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test, ``I Married Marge''
2110%Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
2110%Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with
2110% the other kids.
2110%Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating
2110% I always did.
2110%-- Simple Simpsons symptoms, ``I Married Marge''
2111%Bart: Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor?
2111%Lisa: Is anything wrong?
2111%Homer: No, everything's fine. Your mother uh just... broke her leg.
2111%Lisa: What!?
2111%Bart: I smell a bun in the oven...
2111%Lisa: Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad?
2111%Homer: [fierce internal struggle manifests itself in wiggling fingers]
2111% Maybe.
2111%Bart+Lisa: Whoa, awright! Way to go! [exchange high fives]
2111%Bart: You're a machine, Homer!
2111%-- Cheer and cheer alike, ``I Married Marge''
2112%Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house.
2112%Bart: Oh, cool! We can race 'em!
2112%-- Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
2113%Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games.
2113% For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
2113%Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
2113%Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.
2113%-- The duties of fatherhood, ``I Married Marge''
2114%It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80's.
2114%Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of
2114%Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young...
2114%-- Homer tells a story, ``I Married Marge''
2115%Boss: Keep this up, and someday will be the guy who hands out
2115% the putters!
2115%Homer: Yes, sir!
2115%-- A young Homer works at the Merrie Olde Fun Centre, ``I Married Marge''
2116%Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad.
2116% We watch an appalling amount of TV.
2116%Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
2116%-- ``I Married Marge''
2117%Patty: If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could get a cat!
2117%Granma: It would leave less hair on the couch.
2117%-- Marge's sister and mother give some alternatives to Homer,
2117% ``I Married Marge''
2118%Marge: I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating.
2118%Homer: But it gives me time to think.
2118%Marge: Oh. What do you think about?
2118%Homer: Oh, girls. I mean, boys. I, I mean, you.
2118%-- Planning for the future, ``I Married Marge''
2119%Homer: Wow, what an ending! Who would have thought Darth Vader was
2119% Luke Skywalker's father!
2119%Crowd: [waiting in line to see the movie] Oh, thank you, Mister
2119% Blow-the-picture-for-me. [etc]
2119%-- The infamous Ctrl-L, ``I Married Marge''
2120%Marge: [listening to `You Light Up My Life' on the radio] Our song.
2120%Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
2120%Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God.
2120%Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy. No, wait, He's always mad...
2120%-- Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? ``I Married Marge''
2121%Homer: Someday, I'll buy you a castle.
2121%Marge: You don't have to do that.
2121%Homer: Phew. Good.
2121%-- ``I Married Marge''
2122%Marge: Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
2122%Homer: Really? It be the champale talking.
2122%-- ``I Married Marge''
2123%Dr.H: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
2123% I think we've found the reason why you've been
2123% throwing up in the morning.
2123% Congratulations.
2123%Homer: D'oh!
2123%-- The price of passion, ``I Married Marge''
2124%Dr.H: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. [hands over a pamphlet]
2124%Marge: [reads] So you've ruined your life.
2124%-- Marge learns she's pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
2125%Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl!
2125%Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do?
2125%Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any better.
2125% Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and
2125% all you gotta do is whack her with the oar!
2125%-- Marge becomes pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
2126%Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if
2126%you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.
2126%-- Homer tries to work up the nerve to propose to Marge, ``I Married Marge''
2127%Lisa: Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel?
2127%Bart: Bzzzzt. I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Cool Mo-Dee Simpson.
2127%Lisa: Ariel! Ariel! Ariel!
2127%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee! Cool Mo-Dee! Cool Mo-Dee!
2127%-- The kids learn that Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
2128%Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think
2128% of the name Larry?
2128%Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'.
2128%Marge: Well, how about Louie?
2128%Homer: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'.
2128%Marge: Bob?
2128%Homer: `Flob'. [?]
2128%Marge: Luke?
2128%Homer: `Puke'.
2128%Marge: Marcus?
2128%Homer: `Mucus'.
2128%Marge: What about Bart?
2128%Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem
2128% with that!
2128%-- Stopped in the nick of time, ``I Married Marge''
2129%Homer: [spots a nice ring] Wow. I'll take ring.
2129%Clerk: Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it?
2129%Homer: I don't know.
2129%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``I Married Marge''
2130%Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license.
2130%Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house.
2130%-- Clerk at `Shotgun Pete's' quickie marriage emporium, ``I Married Marge''
2131%Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and
2131% this casino to join... [points at Homer]
2131%Homer: Homer.
2131%Minister: ... and ... [points at Marge]
2131%Marge: Marge.
2131%Minister: ... in holy matrimony. Beautiful.
2131% [three minutes later]
2131% Do you, Marjorie Bouvier take Homer J. Simpson to be your
2131% lawful wedded husband?
2131%Marge: I do.
2131%Minister: Homer, same question, names reversed.
2131%Homer: I do.
2131%Minister: Then, by the power vested in my by the state gaming commission,
2131% I pronounce you man and wife. Here's ten dollars worth of chips.
2131% You may kiss the bride.
2131%-- How ``I Married Marge''
2132%Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant?
2132% I hear they pay pretty well.
2132%Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
2132%Homer: Pfft. you tell me.
2132%-- ``I Married Marge''
2133%Smithers: What would each of you say is your worst quality?
2133%Man 1: Well, I a workaholic.
2133%Man 2: I push myself too hard.
2133%Homer: Well, it takes me a long time to learn anything,
2133% I'm kind of a goof-off...
2133%Smithers: Okay, that'll do.
2133%Homer: ... a little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace...
2133%Smithers: That's enough!
2133%-- Job interview, ``I Married Marge''
2134%Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
2134%Homer: There's a problem with the reactor!? We're all going to die!
2134% Aaaaaaaugh! [runs out in panic]
2134%-- Homer's job interview, ``I Married Marge''
2135%Homer: [to his unborn son] Kid, I won't let you down.
2135% I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first
2135% thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job.
2135%Patty: Yeah, a doctor!
2135%-- ``I Married Marge''
2136%Homer: Good evening, Madam. You have been selected by the good people of
2136% Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife edge.
2136% Here, shake hands with the Slash-Co! [hands her the knife]
2136%Woman: [grabs the wrong end] Aaaaaagh!
2136%Homer: [to himself] Handle first, handle first...
2136%-- Homer's job experience, ``I Married Marge''
2137%First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid
2137%schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid!
2137%-- Shady seminar speaker at `Million$ for Nothing', ``I Married Marge''
2138%Fourth notice. Ninety days overdue. We break thumbs.
2138%-- Marge reads the mail from bill collectors, ``I Married Marge''
2139%Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.
2139%-- Man from the Repo Depot, ``I Married Marge''
2140%Lisa: [crying] That is so sad.
2140%Homer: Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out.
2140% After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the
2140% responsible head of a household.
2140%Bart: [poking his head into the room]
2140% Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch?
2140%Homer: Okay.
2140%-- Edible complex, ``I Married Marge''
2141%Marge, I've got two-and-a-half words for you. Gulp. 'N'. Blow.
2141%-- Patty tells Marge where she can find Homer, ``I Married Marge''
2142%Homer: Yeah, whaddya want.
2142%Marge: My husband by my side.
2142%Homer: You want fries with that?
2142%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
2143%Look at me. I'm a trainee.
2143%They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.
2143%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
2144%That's it... That's it... Come closer... [gobbles a power pellet]
2144%Muhahaha! Ironic isn't it. The hunter has become the hunted! Hahahaha!!
2144%-- Monty Burns plays Ms. Pac-Man, ``I Married Marge''
2145%Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee
2145%that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'M YOUR MAN! You can
2145%treat me like dirt, and I'll kiss your butt and call it ice cream!
2145%And if you don't like it, I can change!!
2145%-- Homer demands a job from Monty Burns, ``I Married Marge''
2146%I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless.
2146%-- Monty Burns hires Homer, ``I Married Marge''
2147%Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet
2147%on his way out.
2147%-- Smithers voices his objections to the hiring of Homer Simpson,
2147% ``I Married Marge''
2148%Only in America could I get a job!
2148%-- Homer celebrates being hired to work at SNPP, ``I Married Marge''
2149%Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
2149%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
2149%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name...
2149%-- The beginning of a tradition, ``I Married Marge''
2150%Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
2150%Dr. Hibbert: Good God!
2150%-- A professional opinion, ``I Married Marge''
2151%Homer: And tomorrow, I'm going to buy your ring back, then I'm going
2151% house-hunting.
2151%Marge: Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
2151%Homer: Eh, somebody'll cover for me.
2151%-- Useful phrase #1, ``I Married Marge''
2152%Marge: [goes into labor] Oh!
2152%Homer: [rolls up his sleeves] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.
2152%Dr. H: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
2152%Homer: [confrontationally] Oh, a college boy, eh?
2152%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
2153%Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful?
2153%Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine
2153% by me.
2153%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
2154%Homer: You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift
2154% a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were
2154% blessed twice more. And not a day goes by that we don't thank God
2154% for all three of you.
2154%Marge: [comes home] Homer, I'm not pregnant!
2154%Homer: [gets up, the kids on his lap falling to the floor]
2154% Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge!
2154%Marge: Yes! [exchanges a high five with Homer]
2154%-- ``I Married Marge''
2155%Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?
2155%Homer: [entranced by a TV show of pretty girls dancing provocatively]
2155% Mon-ney. [hands over a huge wad of bills]
2155%Lisa: [riffles through it] Dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars!
2155%Homer: Oh, sorry. [gives her the entire wallet]
2155%-- Ask, and you shall receive, ``Radio Bart''
2156%`Funky-See Funky-Do' will be right back to lip-sync another of their
2156%hits, right after this...
2156%-- Announcer on TV music dance show, ``Radio Bart''
2157%Announcer: ... But order now. Supply is limited.
2157%Homer: Gasp! Limited!?!? [frantically dials the phone]
2157% Do you have any of those microphones left?
2157%Clerk: [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes
2157% of microphones] Yeah, a couple...
2157%-- A couple thousand, perhaps... ``Radio Bart''
2158%Bart: [in the barber shop, getting a shave]
2158% Digital audio tape, my butt! When was a kid, we had compact
2158% disks, and don't recall no one complaining.
2158%Barber: Damn right.
2158%-- Bart's free shave, ``Radio Bart''
2159%Hey, good to see you.
2159%Glad you could make it.
2159%Toby, have you lost weight?
2159%-- Bart, the perfect host at his birthday party, ``Radio Bart''
2160%Oh, there's only one can of beer left, and it's Bart's.
2160%-- Homer finds a `Property of Bart Simpson' sticker on a can of Duff,
2160% ``Radio Bart''
2161%People of earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force.
2161%Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless.
2161%-- The first broadcast of ``Radio Bart''
2162%Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God!
2162%Rod: How did you get on the radio?
2162%Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe!
2162% Stupid kid.
2162%Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands]
2162%Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you.
2162%Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith. Walk through the
2162% wall! I will remove it for you.
2162%Rod: [walks into the wall] [thud]
2162%Bart: Ha ha ha.
2162%Todd+Rod: [return to their knees in prayer]
2162%Todd: What do you want from us?
2162%Bart: I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen
2162% and leave them on the Simpsons' porch.
2162%Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents.
2162%Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?
2162%Todd: [quickly] Happy God.
2162%Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies!
2162%Todd+Rod: Yes, sir!
2162%-- How to win friends and influence people, ``Radio Bart''
2163%The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not
2163%one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the
2163%boy.
2163%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Radio Bart''
2164%Although we can't reach the boy, we freeze him with liquid
2164%nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him.
2164%-- Dr. John Fink's plan to rescue poor Timmy O'Toole, ``Radio Bart''
2165%Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from Your bounty...
2165%-- Marge's TV dinner prayer, ``Radio Bart''
2166%Homer: That Timmy is a real hero!
2166%Lisa: How do you mean, Dad?
2166%Homer: Well, he fell down a well, and... he can't get out.
2166%Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
2166%Homer: Well, that's more than you did!
2166%-- ``Radio Bart''
2167%Channel 6's own Krusty the Klown has gathered members of the entertainment
2167%community, who normally steer clear of fashionable causes...
2167%-- Kent Brockman's news report, ``Radio Bart''
2168%I called my good friend Sting. He said, ``Krusty, when do you need me?''
2168%I said, ``Thursday.'' He said, ``I'm busy Thursday.''
2168%I said, ``What about Friday?'' He said, ``Friday's worse than Thursday.''
2168%Then said, ``How about Saturday?'' I said, ``Fine.'' True story!
2168%-- Krusty makes his music video, ``Radio Bart''
2169%Sting: There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well for that poor little boy,
2169% who's stuck halfway to Hell...
2169%Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
2169%McBane: We go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
2169%All: And we're sending our love down the well...
2169%Krusty: All the way down!
2169%All: We're sending our love down the well...
2169%Krusty: Down that well!
2169%-- Krusty's music video, ``Radio Bart''
2170%Don't worry, son. Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you
2170%can't live a rich and full life.
2170%-- Homer's reassuring words, ``Radio Bart''
2171%Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it
2171%at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo.
2171%-- Chief Wiggum tells Marge it's all in the timing, ``Radio Bart''
2172%Kent: The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are
2172% squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
2172%Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
2172%Marge: Homer!
2172%Homer: Uh... Could you edit that last part out?
2172%Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
2172%Homer: D'oh!
2172%-- `Radio Bart''
2173%And our number one hit, ``I Do Believe We're Naked'', by
2173%Funky-See Funky-Do, replaces ``We're Sending Our Love Down the Well'',
2173%which plunges all the way down to number 97.
2173%-- Casey Kasem's countdown, ``Radio Bart''
2174%Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot
2174%of heat. So, I am flip-flopping! I say, let him stay down there!
2174%-- Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby, bending ever so gently, ``Radio Bart''
2175%Marge: Bart honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're
2175% down in the well. [tosses it]
2175%Bart: Mom, it's too big.
2175%Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
2175%-- Bart is trapped in a well, ``Radio Bart''
2176%You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years.
2176%I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things
2176%I'll never get a chance to do. Smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID,
2176%shave a swear word in my hair... [sobs]
2176%-- Bart's remorse, ``Radio Bart''
2177%Marge: Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest.
2177%Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me.
2177%Marge: Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums.
2177%Homer: Shhhh. Marge, he's a good digger!
2177%-- Digging Bart out of a well, ``Radio Bart''
2178%And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52% of
2178%the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo!
2178%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts a football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
2179%Moe's Tavern, where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.
2179%-- Moe answers the phone, ``Lisa the Greek''
2180%At the end of thirteen seconds of play,
2180%it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
2180%-- The football report, ``Lisa the Greek''
2181%Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll.
2181%[shows a neatly furnished shoebox]
2181%This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist
2181%newsletter...
2181%-- Lisa's latest triumph, ``Lisa the Greek''
2182%Lisa: Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do?
2182%Marge: Well, um, do you ever take an interest in anything does?
2182%Lisa: No. ... Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.
2182%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2183%Well, if you want to get closer to him, then maybe should bridge the
2183%gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in looking at power
2183%tools, going to those silly car-chase movies, and ... some things I'll tell
2183%you about when you're older.
2183%-- Marge's advice to Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
2184%Smooth Jimmy Apollo: [explaining his poor prediction]
2184% Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48%
2184% of the time.
2184%Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!
2184%-- Watching a TV football post-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
2185%TV: So call me now! $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute!
2185%Homer: [dials the number]
2185%Voice: You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot-...
2185%Homer: Line.
2185%Voice: Line.
2185%Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, Coach.
2185%Voice: In the game... of... Mi... am... i...
2185%Homer: Mm hm.
2185%Voice: Versus Cin...
2185%Homer: Cincinnati.
2185%Voice: cin...
2185%Homer: Cincinnati.
2185%Voice: nat...
2185%Homer: Cincinnati.
2185%Voice: i...
2185%Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!
2185%-- Dial 1-909-WIN-BIGG for football picks, ``Lisa the Greek''
2186%Mom, I'm tired. I want to go home. Can't I just lie down for a minute?
2186%-- Bart whines about being forced to shop for clothes, ``Lisa the Greek''
2187%Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom?
2187% Because the people who wear them get beaten up.
2187%Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
2187%-- More words of wisdom from Marge, ``Lisa the Greek''
2188%What could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football?
2188%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
2189%Homer: You like ice cream, don't you?
2189%Lisa: Uh huh.
2189%Homer: And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge?
2189% And mounds of whipped cream? [getting carried away] And chopped nuts?
2189% And, ooh, those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up?
2189% Mmm... Crumbled-up cookie things...
2189%-- Homer's train of thought gets derailed yet again, ``Lisa the Greek''
2190%Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
2190% Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
2190%Lisa: Really? Where?
2190%Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.
2190%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2191%Lisa: Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
2191%Homer: Sure! You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.
2191%-- Sundays of thunder? ``Lisa the Greek''
2192%Football player: [being interviewed]
2192% This team is fired up. We came here to play!
2192%Homer: Aw right! [picks up the phone to place his bet]
2192%Lisa: [scoffing] He'll lose.
2192%Homer: What? Didn't you hear what he said?
2192%Lisa: Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice.
2192% [poetically] He's a little boy lost in a game of men.
2192%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2193%Homer: You think we should bet against them?
2193%Lisa: I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
2193%Homer: You got it. [to phone] Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York!
2193%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2194%Homer: [tossing Lisa in the air in celebration] Yaay!
2194%Lisa: Yaay!
2194%Homer: [continues tossing]
2194%Lisa: Whoa!
2194%Homer: [continues tossing]
2194%Lisa: Dad, I hate to break the mood, but I'm getting nauseous.
2194%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2195%Homer: Who do you like in the afternoon games?
2195%Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart,
2195% Seattle because they've got something to prove,
2195% and the Raiders because they always cheat.
2195% [later]
2195%Brent: And on an extreeeeeemely suspicious play, the Raiders win!
2195%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2196%[Under the banner ``The Library / The Hip Place To Be'' sits a lone reader]
2196%Lisa: Hey, the new sign's really working!
2196%Mrs. Norton: Oh, it's been a madhouse, Lisa!
2196%-- Give a hoot, ``Lisa the Greek''
2197%[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
2197%Let's see... Football... Football... `Homoeroticism in'...
2197%`Oddball Canadian rules'... `Phyllis George and'...
2197%-- Let your fingers do the walking, ``Lisa the Greek''
2198%Homer: Lisa, you picked the winner every time. You must have some
2198% kind of special gift!
2198%Lisa: Come on, Dad. It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's
2198% failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after
2198% scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game.
2198%Homer: Oh, my little girl says the cutest things.
2198%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2199%Gasp! Look at these prices! We could finally get rid of those termites
2199%for the cost of this meal!
2199%-- Marge reads the menu for The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
2200%Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter.
2200%Homer: Hello, I'm Homer, I'll be your customer.
2200% [Homer, Bart, and Lisa chuckle]
2200%Waiter: Never heard that one before...
2200%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
2201%Waiter: Would you care to select the wine?
2201%Bart: I'll do the honors. [takes the wine list, reads it]
2201% No, no, no, no! My God! What passes for a wine list these days?
2201% Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine, chop-chop.
2201%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
2202%Homer: Oh, violin guy! [strolling violinist approaches]
2202% [tucks some money in the violinist's pocket]
2202% What's your favorite song, Lisa?
2202%Lisa: The Broken Neck Blues.
2202%Homer: [to violinist] Play on.
2202%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
2203%Brent: It is the playoffs. It's five below, and there's one loyal fan
2203% wearing nothing but a G-string, and the team colors painted on
2203% his body!
2203% [camera shows the fan in question, shivering, teeth chattering]
2203%Johnny: He doesn't look too happy!
2203%Brent: Heh heh. Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores, and
2203% he's slowly suffocating. Still, is a fan.
2203%-- Football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
2204%Homer: Well, Lisa, it's daddy-daughter day, and Daddy needs daughter's picks.
2204%Lisa: Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special.
2204% And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus
2204% five at Chicago.
2204%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2205%Barney: Hey, Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday?
2205%Homer: Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl!
2205% How about the Sunday after that?
2205%Barney: Well, my Ma's coming in from Norway, but uh, what the hell. [belch]
2205%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2206%Ralph: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that
2206% was the happiest day of my life.
2206%Mrs. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
2206%-- Reading essays in front of the class, ``Lisa the Greek''
2207%The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my
2207%daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites,
2207%but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second
2207%to cover the spread.
2207%-- Lisa's essay, The Happiest Day of My Life, ``Lisa the Greek''
2208%Lisa: Oh, Dad! You must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there
2208% is!
2208%Homer: Not quite. They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.
2208%-- Homer's surprise gift, ``Lisa the Greek''
2209%Ooh, perfume! Meryl Streep's Versatility!
2209%-- Marge's gift from Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
2210%Homer: Boy, I know you're going to like your present.
2210%Bart: [it's a hand-held gizmo with three buttons]
2210% [Bart presses each button a few times]
2210%Toy: Shut up! Shut up!
2210% Kiss my butt!
2210% Shut up!
2210% Go to hell! Go to hell!
2210%Bart: Dad, I promise you, I will get tired of this.
2210%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2211%Marge: Homer, those were very thoughtful presents, but you have to tell
2211% me where you got the money from.
2211%Homer: All right, Marge, I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you
2211% will not get mad.
2211%Marge: I promise I get mad, because I always do when you make me
2211% promise I won't.
2211%Homer: All right, if you must know. Lisa and I have been gambling on pro
2211% football.
2211%Marge: Homer!!
2211%Homer: You promised you wouldn't get mad!
2211%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2212%Homer: Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show
2212% talent?
2212%Marge: But gambling is illegal!
2212%Homer: Oh, only in 48 states. Besides, it's a victimless crime.
2212% The only victim is Moe! Heh heh heh.
2212%-- Homer has been using Lisa to help him make bets on football,
2212% ``Lisa the Greek''
2213%You know, Dad, we've been watching a lot of TV lately. Maybe the Sunday
2213%after the Super Bowl we could hike up to the top of Mount Springfield.
2213%The fires in the tire yard really make for some beautiful sunsets!
2213%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
2214%Adult Lisa: My third husband bought me this. [takes off her ring]
2214% Gimme some [casino] chips for it!
2214%Clerk: Are you sure, ma'am?
2214%Adult Lisa: Don't tell me what to do, sonny. I've been gambling since I
2214% was eight, and I've been hocking jewelry since I was twelve!
2214% Now gimme some chips!
2214%-- Lisa's nightmare, ``Lisa the Greek''
2215%Look around you, Malibu Stacy. All this was bought with dirty money.
2215%Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic...
2215%-- Lisa talks to her doll, ``Lisa the Greek''
2216%Lisa: Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Super Bowl if you
2216% want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more
2216% about winning money than you did about me.
2216%Homer: Okay.
2216%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2217%Brent: We're live from the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, and Super Bowl XXVI.
2217% Today, we're going to be seen by people in one hundred and fifty
2217% countries, all over the world!
2217% [shot of some Pacific island natives watching a TV set]
2217% Including our newest affiliate, W Gimel Aleph Nun in Tel Aviv!
2217% [cut to Cesar and Ugolin (the evil French winemakers) watching
2217% the show]
2217%Ugolin: Stupid!
2217%Cesar: [changes the channel with the remote]
2217%TV: [Jerry Lewis] Wauugh! [crash] Sorry, Mrs. [mumble]
2217%Cesar: [smacks his lips] Formidable!
2217%-- Fifty million Frenchmen might be wrong, ``Lisa the Greek''
2218%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern, home of the Super Sunday Brunch
2218% Spectacular!
2218%Barney: [surveying the buffet table] Whoa! Baloney! Bread!
2218%Moe: [jotting in his notebook] I've got you down for forty bucks.
2218% Good luck, Your Eminence.
2218%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek''
2219%I had the greatest gift of all. A little girl who could pick football.
2219%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
2220%Well, sir, we're two hours and 45 minutes into the pre-game show...
2220%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
2221%Brent: We've got ourselvs a special guest, actor Troy McClure, whose new
2221% sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough, right after
2221% the game!
2221%Troy: Thanks, Brent. My new show is called `Handle with Care'.
2221% I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a
2221% retired criminal. We're the original Odd Couple!
2221%Brent: What made you want to do a situation comedy?
2221%Troy: Well, I fell in love with the script, Brent. And my recent
2221% trouble with the IRS sealed the deal!
2221%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
2222%Homer: Buffalo is going to win. Lisa hates me. [sobs]
2222%Man: Whatcha got riding on this game?
2222%Homer: My daughter.
2222%Man: [whistles] What a gambler!
2222%-- Watching the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek''
2223%This sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you!
2223%-- Bart watches a feeble football halftime show, ``Lisa the Greek''
2224%It's a touchdown for halfback Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!
2224%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2225%Barney: Hey Homer, didn't you say that if Duff Dry wins [the Duff Bowl],
2225% your daughter loves you?
2225%Homer: Not Duff Dry. Washington!
2225%Barney: Okay, okay. They're great teams.
2225%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
2226%Rev. Lovejoy: [surveys his congregation, one man and two old ladies]
2226% Well, I'm glad people could resist the lures of the big game.
2226%Man: Oh, my God! I forgot the game! [rushes out]
2226%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek''
2227%So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play.
2227%If Washington scores here, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars
2227%in our nation's capital tonight!
2227%-- The closing seconds of the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek''
2228%Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on
2228%for eight more years!
2228%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
2229%Homer: [scarfing down donuts]
2229%Lenny: Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something.
2229%Homer: Don't tell me how to eat donuts! [starts choking]
2229%Karl: [matter-of-factly] Hey, Homer's choking again.
2229%Lenny: Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere?
2229%Karl: Somebody scare him.
2229%Charlie: That's for the hiccups!
2229%-- Remain calm, dough-nut panic, ``Homer at the Bat''
2230%Lenny: Homer, last year, we were 2 and 28.
2230%Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season...
2230%Lenny: Actually, it was.
2230%-- Room for improvement, ``Homer at the Bat''
2231%Homer: Come here, boy, I want to show you something.
2231%Bart: What's that, a homemade bat?
2231%Homer: It's something very special. A homemade bat.
2231%-- A Homer-made bat, ``Homer at the Bat''
2232%It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm, when I locked
2232%myself out of the house. Shelving myself with a large piece of sheet metal,
2232%I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find!
2232%-- Homer Simpson, Safety Inspector, ``Homer at the Bat''
2233%Homer: [working to build a baseball bat in the garage]
2233%Marge: Homey, come to bed.
2233% [scene change: Marge is in bed, as wood shavings flick onto her
2233% from Homer's woodwork in bed]
2233% Homer, go back to the garage.
2233%-- Yessss, master, ``Homer at the Bat''
2234%Bart: [sees Homer's homemade bat] Wow! How many home runs you gonna
2234% hit with that?
2234%Homer: Let's see. We play thirty games. Ten at-bats a game. Mmm...
2234% Three thousand.
2234%-- Back-of-the-envelope calculations, ``Homer at the Bat''
2235%Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules.
2235% You can't leave first until you chug a beer.
2235% Any man scoring has to chug a beer.
2235% You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.
2235% Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
2235%Chief Wiggum: [in baseball uniform] Hey, we know how to play softball.
2235%-- The canonical softball drinking game, ``Homer at the Bat''
2236%Umpire: Play ball!
2236%Chief Wiggum: [steps to the plate]
2236%Police radio: Attention all units! Attention all units!
2236% Armored car being robbed at 59th and...
2236%Chief Wiggum: Turn off that damn radio!
2236%-- Please arrange to have your car robbed only during normal business hours,
2236% ``Homer at the Bat''
2237%And the man wants to hit the ball, too. [crack!] And he does.
2237%And there he goes, off in that direction. And everyone is happy.
2237%-- Marge Simpson does the play-by-play, ``Homer at the Bat''
2238%Lisa: Wow, Dad!
2238%Bart: Homer, can I get you a beer?
2238%Lisa: No, want to get him a beer.
2238%Homer: Kids, kids, kids! You can get me a beer.
2238%-- Beer and beer alike, ``Homer at the Bat''
2239%Ari: Would you care to bet a million dollars on that?
2239%Burns: Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting!
2239%Ari: What, a million dollars isn't interesting to you?
2239%Burns: Oh, did you say a million? I'm, I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere.
2239% I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would
2239% bait each other, and, well, you know how it goes.
2239% Yes, certainly, a million would be fine. [handshake]
2239%-- But gambling is illegal in 48 states... ``Homer at the Bat''
2240%Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win
2240% a million-dollar bet?
2240%Smithers: Yes, sir.
2240%Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if cheat to win a
2240% million-dollar bet?
2240%Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?
2240%-- Burns remembers to phrase it as an ethical question, ``Homer at the Bat''
2241%Smithers: [whispers in Jose Canseco's ear]
2241%Jose: I get $50,000 to play one game?
2241%Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
2241%Jose: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun.
2241%-- For love of money, ``Homer at the Bat''
2242%Smithers: [in the woods, a bullet grazes his shoulder]
2242%Hunter: Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer.
2242%Smithers: Heh heh, that's okay. Happens all the time.
2242%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
2243%Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry.
2243%Darryl: Yes?
2243%Homer: You play right field.
2243%Darryl: Yes?
2243%Homer: I play right field, too.
2243%Darryl: So?
2243%Homer: Well, are you better than me?
2243%Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... Yes.
2243%-- Any questions? ``Homer at the Bat''
2244%Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better
2244% than you?
2244%Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger
2244% than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
2244%Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do
2244% anything if I just put my mind to it!
2244%Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's
2244% a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always
2244% about a million people better than you.
2244%Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.
2244%-- Lesson for the day, ``Homer at the Bat''
2245%Smithers: What are you going to do with the million dollars, sir?
2245%Burns: Oh, I dunno. Throw it on the pile, I suppose.
2245%-- Burns has bet $1 million on the softball team, ``Homer at the Bat''
2246%Hynpotist: You are all very good players...
2246%Team: [entranced] We are all very good players...
2246%Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville...
2246%Team: We will beat Shelbyville...
2246%Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent...
2246%Team: That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent.
2246% By definition that is the most anyone can give...
2246%-- You own a mansion and a yacht... ``Homer at the Bat''
2247%Mike Scioscia: [pushing a wheelbarrow of glowing green goop]
2247%Karl: [pulls up beside him with his own wheelbarrow of glowing green goop]
2247% Hey, Scioscia. I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every
2247% night in the core, busting your butt hauling radioactive waste.
2247%Mike Scioscia: Well, Karl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing
2247% big-league ball. I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and
2247% boom, the press is all over you. [accidentally spills his goop]
2247% Uh oh...
2247%Karl: Ah, don't worry about it.
2247%Mike Scioscia: Oh man, is this ever sweet...
2247%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
2248%Now, before I post the starting line-up, I want to assure those of you
2248%whose names are not on the list... that I'm very disappointed in you.
2248%-- Monty Burns, softball team manager, ``Homer at the Bat''
2249%Homer: Please please please, I want to make the team. [catches Roger Clemens]
2249% Clemens, did I make the team?
2249%Roger: You sure did!
2249%Homer: I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
2249%Roger: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.?
2249%Homer: No.
2249%Roger: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.
2249%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
2250%Dr. Hibbert: Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
2250%Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...
2250%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
2251%Homer: Oh, one thing I'm good at and I can't do it any more.
2251%Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
2251%Homer: Like what?
2251%Marge: Like snuggling? [snuggles up to him]
2251%Homer: Yeah. but none of my friends can watch me.
2251%-- It's an indoor sport, ``Homer at the Bat''
2252%Barney: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
2252%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
2252%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
2252%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!!! [pokes Barney]
2252%Barney: Okay, you asked for it, bud! [punches him out]
2252%Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! [scoffing] Pitt the Elder...
2252%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!! [punches Moe]
2252%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
2253%Homer: Where do you think you're going?
2253%Lisa: To the game.
2253%Homer: No no no. I don't want you to see me sit on my worthless butt.
2253%Bart: We've seen it, Dad.
2253%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
2254%BART (Brat'us Don'thaveacow'us)
2254%HOMER (Homo Neanderthal'us)
2254%-- The Simpsons meet the Road Runner, ``Homer Alone''
2255%I am cleaning that! ... Oh, who am I kidding.
2255%-- Marge cleans up another mess, ``Homer Alone''
2256%When you grow up, you can suck your pacifier all you want.
2256%-- Marge tries to reason with Maggie, ``Homer Alone''
2257%Marge: [making lunch] Extra mustard for Bart, sliced diagonally, not
2257% lengthwise. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust. Double
2257% baloney for Homer...
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, can you sign this permission slip for my
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, have you seen my lucky red cap? Mom,
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] field trip? Mom, I those pimentos, they
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] where's my lucky red cap? Mom, aren't you listening
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] make me gag.
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] to me? I told...
2257%Homer: [comes in]
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, please sign the permission slip. [etc]
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, I'm talking to you. Hello? Hello! I'm going to
2257%Homer: [simultaneously] Marge, I split my pants again. Ooooh! Can I have two
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] [etc] without lunch.
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] be crushed today if I don't wear my lucky red
2257%Homer: [simultaneously] sandwiches today? Make them baloney sandwiches, too,
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mommm! I can't eat those pimentos...
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] cap! Mommmm! Wheeeere's my caaaaap!
2257%Homer: [simultaneously] can I have two slices of baloney and...
2257%Marge: ONE AT A TIME! ONE AT A TIME!
2257% [pause]
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] So when you make the sandwich, no pimentos
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] [etc]
2257%Homer: [simultaneously] Double baloney! Double baloney! Don't forget to
2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Because you know how much they...
2257%Bart: [simultaneously] Mommm! Where's my lucky red cap!
2257%Homer: [simultaneously] make it baloney because...
2257%-- ``Homer Alone''
2258%Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me.
2258%Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it,
2258% if you don't mind.
2258%-- ``Homer Alone''
2259%This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the
2259%Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both
2259%directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just
2259%dropped my bagel.
2259%-- Helicopter traffic report, ``Homer Alone''
2260%Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
2260%Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
2260%Eddie: Yes.
2260%Wiggum: [thinks] Well, fresh out of ideas.
2260%-- ``Homer Alone''
2261%Wiggum: Try to talk her out of there.
2261% [hands Homer a megaphone]
2261% But don't put your lips on it or anything.
2261%-- ``Homer Alone''
2262%Homer: [through a megaphone] Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello?
2262%Marge: Homer, is that you?
2262%Homer: [aside] What should I say?
2262%Wiggum: Well, how about, ``Yes, it's me.''
2262%Homer: [through a megaphone] Yes, it's me.
2262%-- I own a mansion and a yacht, ``Homer Alone''
2263%I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day in the city of Springfield!
2263%-- Mayor Quimby goes after the chick vote, ``Homer Alone''
2264%Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls.
2264%-- Advertisement for Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone''
2265%Marge: I need to unwind.
2265%Homer: I knw you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are
2265% like. Those three monsters in the back seat. ``Are we there yet?
2265% Are we there yet?'' And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach
2265% either. ``Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have
2265% another sandwich?''
2265%-- In the comfort of your own home, ``Homer Alone''
2266%For your information, I can take care of my...
2266%[Maggie loses her grip and falls] Auugh!
2266%[picks up Maggie] See? Got her on the first bounce.
2266%-- A bouncing baby girl, ``Homer Alone''
2267%This is KOMA, WKOMA, restful easy listening. Coming up next, a super
2267%set of songs about clouds...
2267%-- ``Homer Alone''
2268%Selma: Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches.
2268% You need something to drink?
2268%Patty: We've got clamato, Mr. Pibb and soy milk.
2268%-- ``Homer Alone''
2269%Lisa: [yawns] I think I'll just hit the hay.
2269%Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon!
2269%Lisa: [quietly] I'm aware of the time.
2269%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone''
2270%Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
2270%Lisa: You think know fear? Well, seen 'em naked!
2270%Bart: Waaaaauuuugh!
2270%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone''
2271%I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as ``Today
2271%We Kill, Tomorrow We Die'' and ``Gladys the Groovy Mule''!
2271%-- ``Homer Alone''
2272%Troy: Our tour starts in your very own room, where Relaxo-Vision offers you
2272% the latest Hollywood hits. And after midnight, the finest R-rated
2272% movies Europe has to offer! [smacks his lips] Today's selections are...
2272%Some other announcer:
2272% Thelma and Louise,
2272% The Happy Little Elves Meet Fuzzy Snuggleduck, and
2272% The Erotic Awakening of S.
2272%-- ``Homer Alone''
2273%Homer: Come on, Maggie. Nummy-nummy-num!
2273%Maggie: [refuses to eat her baby food]
2273%Homer: Aaaaahhh... [eats some to demonstrate]
2273% Mmm... [digging in] Mmm...!
2273% [tries another jar]
2273% Mmm... strained peas.
2273%-- ``Homer Alone''
2274%Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.
2274%-- Gregory, the masseuse at Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone''
2275%[picks up Maggie] Whoa! Someone smells stinky!
2275%[sniffs himself] Oh, it's me.
2275%-- Barney, bastion of cleanliness, ``Homer Alone''
2276%[sung to Brahms' Lullaby]
2276%Go to sleep...
2276%And good night...
2276%La-la la la la la la...
2276%Dee-dee-dee...
2276%Dee-dee-dee...
2276%May your Christmas Days be bright!
2276%-- Homer sings Maggie to sleep, ``Homer Alone''
2277%Hairdresser: So, what's the verdict?
2277%Woman: [realizes she's been given a Marge Simpson hairdo]
2277% Oh, dear God! I can't even put a bag over my head!
2277%Hairdresser: Yes you can.
2277%-- ``Homer Alone''
2278%As I said to Dolores Montenergo in ``Calling All Quakers''...
2278%``Have it way, Baby!''
2278%-- Troy McClure, ``Homer Alone''
2279%Marge, Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her...
2279%-- Homer practices his excuse for losing Maggie, ``Homer Alone''
2280%Wiggum: You the man who reported the lost baby?
2280%Homer: Yes.
2280%Wiggum: Can you describe her?
2280%Homer: Uh, she's small... She's a girl...
2280%Wiggum: Bingo! [produces Maggie]
2280%-- ``Homer Alone''
2281%Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined.
2281%Others may find out that life isn't fair... [turning bitter] in spite
2281%of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter
2281%to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth-graders while your husband runs naked
2281%on a beach with your marriage counselor!! [stares from the students]
2281%Ahem.
2281%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
2281% ``Separate Vocations''
2282%First question. If I could be any animal, I would be (a) a carpenter ant,
2282%(b) a nurse shark, or (c) a lawyer bird.
2282%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
2282% ``Separate Vocations''
2283%Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or
2283%(c) bank customers.
2283%-- Miss Hoover administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
2283% ``Separate Vocations''
2284%Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
2284%Lisa: Janey, school is a waste of time.
2284%Ms.H: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your
2284% pencils and stare at the front of the room.
2284%-- Time well-spent, ``Separate Vocations''
2285%Bart: Police officer!? Well I'll be jiggered!
2285%Dr.J: Heh heh heh. If you'd like to learn more, I could arrange for
2285% you to ride along in a police car for a night.
2285%Bart: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
2285%-- Bart reads his scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations''
2286%Homer: So what are going to be, boy?
2286%Bart: Policeman.
2286%Homer: [gags on his food]
2286%-- Bart's scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations''
2287%Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while,
2287% but they said he was too heavy.
2287%Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
2287%-- ``Separate Vocations''
2288%Lisa: Well, going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all
2288% figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my
2288% gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the
2288% horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love
2288% affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.
2288%Marge: Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help.
2288%-- Is she accepting applications for torrid love affairs?
2288% ``Separate Vocations''
2289%I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean,
2289%you know, devastating.
2289%-- Instructor at music school, ``Separate Vocations''
2290%Bart: Wow! Can I see your club?
2290%Cop: It's called a baton, son.
2290%Bart: Oh. What's it for?
2290%Cop: We club people with it.
2290%-- Just conduct yourself properly and nobody gets hurt, ``Separate Vocations''
2291%Bart: So, you guys like being cops?
2291%Cop: Oh, it's great. You get to run red lights, park wherever you please,
2291% hot and cold running chicks...
2291%-- The perquisites of power, ``Separate Vocations''
2292%Tonight, His Honor is, heh, polling the electorate.
2292%-- Eddie explains Mayor Quimby's presence at a motel, ``Separate Vocations''
2293%Bart: Do you need straight A's to be a cop?
2293%The Two Cops: [laugh uproariously]
2293%-- Just checking, ``Separate Vocations''
2294%Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin.
2294%Almost sensuous...
2294%-- Apu, tied up after being robbed at gunpoint, ``Separate Vocations''
2295%Wiggum: Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket. To jail!
2295%Eddie: He's unconscious, sir.
2295%Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
2295%-- Subliminal messages, ``Separate Vocations''
2296%I saw some awful things in Nam, but you really have to wonder at the
2296%mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma!
2296%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations''
2297%Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone
2297% topsy-turvey?
2297%Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority...
2297% [rubs his hands] And I liked it!
2297%-- ``Separate Vocations''
2298%Look, let's can the euphemisms. No more bullspit.
2298%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations''
2299%Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term.
2299% But Lisa's are way down.
2299%Homer: Oh... We always have one good kid and one lousy kid.
2299% Why can't our kids be good?
2299%Marge: We have kids, Homer.
2299%Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
2299%-- ``Separate Vocations''
2300%The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze.
2300%And I have you to thank.
2300%-- Principal Skinner to Hall Monitor Bart Simpson, ``Separate Vocations''
2301%Bart: Seymour, this is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother.
2301% And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the
2301% identical elongated loops on the `d's.
2301%Skinner: Forgery! So he have leprosy!
2301%-- The alibi falls apart, ``Separate Vocations''
2302%Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
2302%Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name,
2302% Mr. Glascock.
2302%-- I'm not touching this one, ``Separate Vocations''
2303%Ms.H: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named `Old Hickory'?
2303%Lisa: I don't know. You? [snickers from the class]
2303%Ms.H: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the
2303% answer is... [flips to answer key] The Battle of New Orleans.
2303% I mean... Andrew Jackson.
2303%Lisa: Well, you're earning eighteen grand a year. [more snickers]
2303%-- ``Separate Vocations''
2304%Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened.
2304% Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition
2304% in this school.
2304%Teacher: What'll we do!?
2304%Ms. K: Declare a snow day!
2304%Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table?
2304%Skinner: No, please, don't panic. [peers out the window] They can smell fear.
2304%-- Make no sudden movements, ``Separate Vocations''
2305%Ms. K: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh
2305% day, Martin will be teaching this class.
2305%Martin: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
2305%Ms. K: Just do it, Braniac!
2305%-- Somebody stole all the teachers' editions of the school textbooks,
2305% ``Separate Vocations''
2306%Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here.
2306% All we have to do is search every locker.
2306%Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by
2306% the Supreme Court.
2306%Bart: Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have done for us lately?
2306%Skinner: Let's move.
2306%-- Annoyed any Republicans today? ``Separate Vocations''
2307%Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries,
2307%handguns [*bang*!] and many things made of zinc.
2307%-- Jimmy, a character in one of those stupid educational films,
2307% ``Bart the Lover''
2308%If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. ...
2308%We can talk about anything. ... I'll do your homework for ya? ...
2308%-- Ms. Krabappel, alone again, ``Bart the Lover''
2309%Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.
2309%-- Apu, ``Bart the Lover''
2310%Those guys must be millionaires!
2310%-- Bart is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, ``Bart the Lover''
2311%I'll bet they get all kinds of girls!
2311%-- Nelson is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, ``Bart the Lover''
2312%Homer: Can you believe it!? Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job and
2312% live off the boy!
2312%Marge: What? Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks!
2312%Homer: [thinks] Donald Trump? ... No.
2312% Arnold Palmer? ... No.
2312% Bill Cosby! ... No.
2312% [out loud] D'oh!
2312%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2313%Ms.K: [reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out
2313% of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson.
2313%Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's?
2313%Ms.K: [exasperated] No, they did not have yo-yo's.
2313% [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they
2313% were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.
2313%Milhouse: [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's?
2313%Ms.K: [snaps] No, they did not have yo-yo's!
2313% [slams book closed] That's it!
2313% [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of
2313% talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book
2313% reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's
2313% or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?
2313%Bart: Yo!
2313%-- Yo, mama. ``Bart the Lover''
2314%Milhouse: Hey Bart, got any new tricks for us today?
2314%Bart: Just one. A little something I call ``Plucking the Pickle''.
2314%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2315%I didn't do it.
2315%-- Bart, caught red-handed, ``Bart the Lover''
2316%Willy: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to
2316% a better place. [takes them out of the room] [a toilet flushes]
2316%-- To that big fishtank in the sky, ``Bart the Lover''
2317%Ms.K: Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?
2317%Bart: [imagines himself, yo-yo in hand. Ms. Krabappel is inches tall]
2317% Here ya go.
2317%Ms.K: [jumps]
2317%Bart: [pulls it out if reach] Just kidding.
2317% [drops the yo-yo] Here ya go.
2317%Ms.K: [jumps]
2317%Bart: [pulls it out if reach] Just kidding. Ha-ha-ha.
2317% [end of dream]
2317%Ms.K: Well, would you?
2317%Bart: Absolutely!
2317%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2318%Ms.H: Edna, Happy Hour in the teachers' lounge.
2318%Ms.K: Just a sec! [scribbles `B' atop all the essays]
2318%-- There's a time for quality and a time for quantity, ``Bart the Lover''
2319%1 + 1 = 2?
2319%Recently divorced
2319%4th grade teacher
2319%wishes to meet man
2319% age: 18-60
2319%Object:
2319% SAVE
2319% ME
2319%Write: Edna K
2319% Box 402
2319%-- Ms. Krabappel's personal ad, ``Bart the Lover''
2320%Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
2320%Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
2320%Marge: I am not!
2320%Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse
2320% commercials on TV.
2320%-- That's a load of rich creamery butter... ``Bart the Lover''
2321%Homer: I'll build him a doghouse. [starts sketching]
2321%Marge: Oh, I don't know...
2321%Homer: Don't worry, I just drew up a little blueprint.
2321% Let me walk you through it.
2321% [shows his sketch, quality rivaling that of a 4-year-old]
2321% This is the door. He goes through that. ... This is the roof. ...
2321% This happy character here is the sun. He shines down on the house, see?
2321%-- The best-laid plans, ``Bart the Lover''
2322%How was detention today, dear?
2322%-- Marge's motherly concern, ``Bart the Lover''
2323%I'm starting to get the hang of the floor-waxer.
2323%-- Bart returns from another day of detention, ``Bart the Lover''
2324%You've got a date with the Xeros machine!
2324%-- Bart receives a sexy photo of Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover''
2325%A fella came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar?
2325%Well, sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole
2325%afternoon to track him down!
2325%-- Ned Flanders, ``Bart the Lover''
2326%Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
2326%Todd: Hell, no!
2326%Ned+Maude+Rod: [gasp!]
2326%Maude: What did you say?
2326%Todd: I said I didn't want any damn vegetables.
2326%Ned: All right, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight!
2326%Todd: [leaves, crying]
2326%Maude: [to Ned] Weren't you a little hard on him?
2326%Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
2326%-- Dinner at the Flanders' house, ``Bart the Lover''
2327%Rev.L: [reluctantly, to phone] Hello, Ned.
2327%Ned: Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy.
2327% My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
2327%Rev.L: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
2327%Ned: No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said a `bad word'!
2327%Rev.L: [realizes] Oh, oh, right, yeah.
2327% Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from .
2327% Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
2327%Ned: in the Bible?
2327%Rev.L: Uh... Page 900. [quickly hangs up]
2327%Ned: But Rever--- [click]
2327%Rev.L: [looks down at his dessert, which has melted] Damn Flanders.
2327%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2328%Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.
2328%Lisa: [stops playing her sax] Yeah?
2328%Bart: Suppose I was writing my letter to a girl, and I already
2328% used up my A-material. What should I say?
2328%Lisa: [teasing] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not
2328% telling me about? [puts down he sax, bats her eyelashes coyly]
2328%Bart: Oh, please.
2328%Lisa: Is it Sherri?
2328%Bart: No.
2328%Lisa: Is it Terri?
2328%Bart: No!
2328%Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?
2328%Bart: No!
2328%Lisa: Is it that exchange student, M!pa?
2328%Bart: No!! It's for me. It's... homework.
2328%Lisa: Sure it is.
2328% Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework!
2328% [puckers up]
2328%Bart: [finally fed up, pushes Lisa aside]
2328%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2329%Todd: [watches `Gomer Pyle' on television]
2329%Ned: Is this he watches?
2329%Maude: Well, he used to watch `Davey and Goliath', but he thought the idea
2329% of a talking dog was blasphemous.
2329%-- The House of the Lord, ``Bart the Lover''
2330%[sloppily scrawled]
2330%Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit.
2330%they got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr five dollars??!!!?
2330%get outta here [scrawl]
2330%-- Homer's single love letter (postcard) to Marge, ``Bart the Lover''
2331%Dear Edna,
2331%Your photo took my breath away. Truly yours is a butt that won't quit.
2331%Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while
2331%I gapped my spark plugs.
2331%-- Bart's second letter to Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover''
2332%Rod: At last we built the mission.
2332%Todd: Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.
2332%Rod: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves!
2332%Todd: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves!
2332%Rod+Todd: We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!
2332%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2333%Ned: Homer, I'm afriad I've got a bone to pick with you.
2333%Homer: Look, if it's about the camcorder, I it, okay?
2333%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2334%Ned: I'm talking about your, heh heh, potty-mouth.
2334%Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
2334%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2335%All of us pull a few `boners' now and then, go off `half-cocked', make
2335%`asses' of ourselves. I don't want to be `hard on' you...
2335%-- Ned Flanders talks to Homer about his foul language, ``Bart the Lover''
2336%Ned: I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boy.
2336%Homer: Oh, come on, Flanders. I don't complain about your... ...
2336% moustache!
2336%Ned: What's wrong with my moustache?
2336%Homer: Makes it look like you got something to hide.
2336%Ned: What!?
2336%Homer: [privately] People are talking... Lots of people.
2336%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2337%Homer: Hey, Marge. You wanna hear something funny? Flanders thinks I
2337% swear too much! Hee-hee! ... Marge, you're not laughing.
2337%Marge: Well, you know, maybe he's right.
2337%Homer: Well, what a surprise! Marge sticks up for Flanders!
2337% Can we have conversation where you don't bring up your hero,
2337% Ned Flanders?
2337%Marge: Actually, Homer, brought up Ned Flan---
2337%Homer: Look, we're past that.
2337%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2338%When my father got out of the Navy, he cursed a blue streak.
2338%It nearly cost him his job as a baby photographer.
2338%-- Marge talks to Homer about his swearing, ``Bart the Lover''
2339%Ms.K: [writing] When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here
2339% watching me.
2339% [looks up, Bart is watching her]
2339%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2340%I can't help but feel partly responsible.
2340%-- Bart, completely responsible, ``Bart the Lover''
2341%Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life.
2341%And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry.
2341%[she cries]
2341%-- Ms. Krabappel, dumped again, ``Bart the Lover''
2342%Gasp! Beer! How did you know!
2342%-- Homer receives a surprise gift, ``Bart the Lover''
2343%This is your teacher!? I should start going to Parents' Night. [growls]
2343%-- Homer sees Bart's photo of a sexy Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover''
2344%Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!
2344%Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
2344%Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted
2344% to hear!
2344%-- The secret to a long-lasting marriage, ``Bart the Lover''
2345%Step aside! Sensitive love letters are my specialty!
2345%-- Homer offers to help Bart write a love letter, ``Bart the Lover''
2346%Dear Baby,
2346%Welcome to Dumpville. Population---You.
2346%-- Homer helps Bart write a letter, ``Bart the Lover''
2347%Bart: How about, ``Crocodiles bit off my face.''
2347%Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it
2347% doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.
2347%Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.
2347%-- ``Bart the Lover''
2348%Three simple words: I am gay.
2348%-- Homer helps Bart write a letter, ``Bart the Lover''
2349%Employee: I don't need your crummy job, Mr. Employer! I've won the lottery!
2349%Employer: Well, who needs employees? I won the lottery, too!
2349% [two window washers descend on a scaffold, each with a huge
2349% bag of cash (money overflowing) at his feet]
2349%Window washers: We both won the lottery!
2349%All: [to camera] Why don't you win the lottery, too!
2349%Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins!
2349% (actual odds of winning, one in 380,000,000.)
2349%-- Truth in advertising, ``Dog of Death''
2350%Bleah. The state lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant.
2350%[turns on his neon sign: BEER IS THE ANSWER]
2350%-- Moe scoffs at a lottery advertisement, ``Dog of Death''
2351%[on the phone] Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast!
2351%How old are you? ... [jots it down] Uh huh.
2351%And what's your birthday? ... [jots it down] No kidding.
2351%And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What? You don't know your
2351%sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you!
2351%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
2352%Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run.
2352%Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with
2352% my wife.
2352%Apu: I promise nothing.
2352%-- Read my lips, no lewd lapses, ``Dog of Death''
2353%Homer: You'll never guess what happened, Marge. Are you ready?
2353% I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!!
2353%Marge: But we never, ever...
2353%Homer: I know you're excited, but calm down and listen to me carefully...
2353%-- Brimming with excitement, ``Dog of Death''
2354%Marge: Homer, we're on a tight budget, here. Promise me you won't get
2354% carried away.
2354%Homer: Yes, money. ... I mean, honey.
2354%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
2355%Kent: But there's already one big winner: Our state school system,
2355% which gets fully half the profits from the library.
2355%Skinner: [talking with his teachers]
2355% Just think what we can buy with that money...
2355% History books that know how the Korean War came out.
2355% Math books that don't have that base six crap in them!
2355% And a state-of-the-art detention hall [holds up a scale model]
2355% where children are held in place with magnets.
2355%Teacher: [to no one in particular] Magnets. Always with the magnets...
2355%-- ``Dog of Death''
2356%Kent: We now take you to the [lottery] drawing, live. I hope you've got
2356% tickets. I've got mine.
2356%[at the police station, everyone's watching. The phone rings.]
2356%Eddie: They're about to start, Chief.
2356%Wiggum: [answers the phone] No, you got the wrong number.
2356% This is nine-one....two.
2356%-- Lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
2357%If you were seventeen, we'd be rich!
2357%But nooooooooooo... You had to be ten.
2357%-- Homer scolds Bart, whose age he used to select his losing lottery numbers,
2357% ``Dog of Death''
2358%I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else.
2358%I'm going home.
2358%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Dog of Death''
2359%I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie heaven.
2359%In doggie heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around
2359%without sniffing another dog's butt!
2359%-- Homer talks to Bart when SLH falls ill, ``Dog of Death''
2360%Bart: Is there a doggie hell?
2360%Homer: Well... Of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
2360%Bart: Who's in there?
2360%Homer: Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name,
2360% um, Chester...
2360%Lisa: [annoyed] Checkers.
2360%Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one!
2360% The one that mauled Jimmy!
2360%-- Are there pirates in doggie hell? ``Dog of Death''
2361%Marge: Honey, $750 is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
2361%Bart: You're gonna just let him [SLH] die?
2361%Marge: I know you're upset...
2361%Bart: Darn right, I'm upset!
2361%Marge: Bart, watch your language! ... Oh, you did. Sorry.
2361%-- Save it for later, ``Dog of Death''
2362%Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
2362%Burns: Nonsense. Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers.
2362% If I came into your house and started sniffing at your
2362% crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would
2362% you say?
2362%Smithers: ... If did it, sir?
2362%-- A tough question, ``Dog of Death''
2363%Marge: I found a way to stretch the food budget.
2363% Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night.
2363% Ham night will be Spam night.
2363% And pork chop night...
2363%Homer: [whining, fearing the worst] Oh...
2363%Marge: ... will now be chub night.
2363%Homer: Chub!? I don't even know what that is!
2363%-- Neither do I, ``Dog of Death''
2364%Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer.
2364%Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats!
2364%-- Homer's budget-saving plan, ``Dog of Death''
2365%It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school.
2365%-- Veterinarian, ``Dog of Death''
2366%Homer: Hey, how come he [SLH] gets meat and we don't?
2366%Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly just snouts and
2366% entrails.
2366%Homer: Mmmmmm... snouts...
2366%-- ``Dog of Death''
2367%Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing
2367% he can't buy.
2367%Marge: What's that?
2367%Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur!
2367%-- ``Dog of Death''
2368%Why here's a fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me...
2368%-- Monty Burns selects a new attack dog (SLH), ``Dog of Death''
2369%If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now!
2369%-- Burns scolds SLH, his new attack dog, ``Dog of Death''
2370%I know how you feel. I lost my dog, too. He's in here somewhere...
2370%[a muffled whimper emerges from somewhere in his apartment]
2370%-- Barney can't help find SLH, ``Dog of Death''
2371%That was his dish... And that was his leash... And that's where he took
2371%a wizz on the rug... [sobs]
2371%-- Homer looks back on the days with Santa's Little Helper, ``Dog of Death''
2372%Marge: Homer, get a hold of yourself. Even if he [SLH] passed on,
2372% there's no reason to cry. Remember, doggie heaven?
2372%Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place!
2372%Marge: Ahem.
2372%Homer: [spots the kids] Or... To put it another way... There ...
2372%-- Yes and no, ``Dog of Death''
2373%Bart: I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door
2373% in this two-bit town. I'm going to find my dog!
2373%Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV.
2373%-- He'll be with you in spirit, maybe, ``Dog of Death''
2374%Kent: [answering the door] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman.
2374%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I lost my dog.
2374%Kent: Mm hm. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm?
2374% You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a
2374% piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this and hungry that...
2374%-- ``Dog of Death''
2375%Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir,
2375% but there's a sweet little boy at the door.
2375%Burns: Release the hounds.
2375%-- ``Dog of Death''
2376%NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE.
2376%A CAT GOT SICK AND SOMEBODY SHOT A DUCK, BUT THAT'S IT.
2376%-- Watching cartoons is also dolphin-safe, ``Dog of Death''
2377% Live, from Nevada, it's the Miss American girl pageant. Brought to
2377% you by Meryl Streep versatility-- Smell like Streep, for cheap.
2378%Marge: Kids, I won't be home tonight so I'm leaving you some low-cal
2378% microwaveable TV dinners.
2378%Lisa: [uninterested] Huh.
2378%Bart: [unconcerned] Okay.
2378%Marge: I'm auditioning for a play. It's a musical version of ``A Streetcar
2378% named Desire'' Isn't that exciting?
2378%Kids: [not a peep]
2379% If you ask me, they're all winners. We will be cutting our first 40
2379% contestants right after this...
2380%Troy: Mr. Boswell, could you give us a sneak peek at this year's list?
2380%Boswell: Memo to Goldie Hawn, cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago,
2380% let's grow-up shall we?
2381%Marge: I haven't been in a play since high-school, and I thought it
2381% would be a good chance to meet some other adults.
2381%Homer: Sounds interesting.
2381%Marge: You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie and sometimes it's
2381% like I don't even exist.
2381%Homer: Sounds interesting.
2381%Marge: Mmmmm! [and indignantly leaves the room]
2382%Troy: Ms. Montana.
2382%Homer: A beaut from Butte.
2382%Troy: Ms. South Carolina.
2382%Homer: Nuthin' could be finer.
2382%Troy: Ms. Delaware.
2382%Homer Gee [pause] Well, good for her.
2383%Marge: La-la-la-la...
2383%Homer: [yelling] Marge, keep it down in there!
2383%Marge: Homer, my audition is in half-
2383%Lisa: [excited] Hey look! It's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood!
2384% Tonight, my reign is Miss America Girl comes to an end. And I would
2384% like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the
2384% United Nations.
2385%Homer: [dominantly] And where exactly are you going?
2385%Marge: [stops, eyes in the air] I'm auditioning for a play.
2385%Homer: [mock surprise] Well, this is the first I heard about it.
2385%Marge: I told you several times, it's a musical version of ``A Streetcar
2385% name--
2385%Homer: [interrupting] Excuse me, Marge, I think that if you told me,
2385% I'll would have remembered. I mean I'm not an idiot.
2385%Marge: Mhmm, well I thought I told you.
2385%Homer: Kids, back me up.
2385%Bart: [not really listening] He's right, Mom.
2385%Lisa: [not really listening] Sorry.
2385%Homer: [revelled] Match point, Homer.
2385%Marge: [faintly] I'm sorry, honey.
2385%Homer: That's okay, were none us perfected.
2386%Ned: [chuckle] How'd do, neighbour!
2386%Marge: Hi, Ned. I didn't know you were an actor.
2386%Ned: Oh, indeedly doodly. I've been in Streetcar once before--I played
2386% Blanche Dubois. Just part of going to an all-male school.
2387% Halloo! I am Lou Allen Sinclair. I've directed three plays in my
2387% career, and I've had three heart-attacks. That's how much I care--
2387% I'm planning for a fourth.
2388% I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing `Hats off to Hunka',
2388% I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much
2388% from fourth graders? [holds up a newspaper clipping] The review:
2388% `Play Enjoyed by All', speaks for itself.
2389%Otto: Hey man, If you like that, you should see my butt!
2389%Sinclair: [to Ned] You! You're my Stanley.
2389%Ned: Hot diggly! [laugh] How'd about that, Marge.
2389% Lil'o Stanley me! [laughs] Stella. STELLA!
2390% You're all terrible. What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche
2390% is a delicate flower being trapped by a clout. Oh forget it!
2390% Just strike the set, clear the stage, this production is--
2391%Marge: Homey, I didn't get the part. You were right, outside interest
2391% were stupid.
2391%Sinclair: [gasps] Wait a minute!
2391%Marge: Ah huh, I come home right way. [pause] Allright, I pick up a
2391% bucket of fried chicken, extra skin, rolls, Chocolate cream
2391% parffa--
2391%Sinclair: [grabbing the handset and shouts] Stop bothering my Blanche!
2392%Marge: [excited] I play an aging southern beauty who's driven to insanity
2392% by her brutish brother in-law, Stanley.
2392%Lisa: [impressed] Wow, my mother the actress. I feel like Lucy Arnes
2392% Luckenbel!
2392%Bart: Are there any giant talking robots in this play?
2392%Marge: Mmmm, I don't think so.
2392%Homer: [barks] Bart, don't ask stupid questions! [turns to Marge]
2392% Is there any frontal nudity?
2392%Marge: [eyes in the air] No, Homer.
2393%Helen: My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'd be playing Stella.
2393%Apu: I'm Apu Mahasapeemapetilon (?sp!). I play Steve.
2393%Otto: My name is Otto, I'm playing Pablo.
2393%Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class action suit
2393% against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from
2393% the play. I also play Mitch.
2393%Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, I'd be playing Blanche. I made some peanut
2393% butter brownies for everyone.
2393%Sinclair: [eating a cookie] Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
2393%Wiggum: I would.
2394%Sinclair: [waving his hands about] Stanley?
2394%Ned: [eagerly] Yeah?
2394%Sinclair: You-you're pulsing with animal lust. You take Blanche and you
2394% fling her roughly to the bed.
2394%Ned: Roger Dodger. [approaches Marge]
2395%Ned: [getting up] Ohhh, isn't that cute--me without a camera.
2395%Sinclair: [furiously] Here, my sister runs a day-care center.
2395% [hands Marge a business card]
2395%Marge: Mmmm, I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her.
2395%Maggie: [looks around, bug eyed] -suck!-
2396%Marge: Maggie is allergic to strained peas, and she likes a bottle
2396% of warm milk before nap time.
2396%Ms.Sinclair: [authoritatively] A bottle? [laugh] Mrs. Simpson, do you
2396% know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle?
2396%Marge: Ba Ba?
2396%Ms.Sinclair: [pointing her finger] She saying `I am a leach!' Our aim
2396% here is to develop the bottle within.
2396%Marge: [unsure] That sounds awfully harsh.
2396%Ms.Sinclair: [standing up from her chair] Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to
2396% toot my own horn, but with the only day-care in town that's
2396% not currently investigation by the state..
2396%Marge: Oh. [looks at Maggie] Well be a good girl Maggie. [kisses her]
2397%Ned: Your a dame and I'm a fella.
2397%Marge: [listlessly] Stanley, stop, or I tell Stella.
2397%Sinclair: [yelling] Passion, Mrs. Simpson, anger--this man disgusts you.
2397%Ned: All I want is one embrace.
2397%Marge: I'll twist this bottle in your face. [fails to smash the bottle]
2397%Ned: [chuckles] Here, Marge, let me--I hate to be an armchair Blanche,
2397% but I give it one of these [breaks bottle] There, there's the old
2397% face shredder.
2397%Marge: [shocked] Oh!
2397%Sinclair: [angrily] Mrs. Simpson, if you've set out to push the vile to
2397% the tip of my throat, mission accomplished. [sigh] I am--I'm
2397% going to crawl into bed with a bottle of Aimarito. Good day.
2398%Homer: [excited] Easy, easy, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. D'oh!
2398%Machine: -7-10 spilt-
2398%Marge: [putting the script down] Homer, could you run lines with me?
2398%Homer: Make Bart do it!
2398%Marge: It'll just take a sec.
2398%Machine: -Gutter ball-
2398% Homer: [angrily] D'oh! You see Marge, when you're off in your little
2398% world, you forget [pointing to the game] that people have
2398% problems too.
2399%Sinclair: [massaging his forehead] Allright, let amateur night in Dixie
2399% commence.
2399%Marge: [raising a bottle above head] I'm sorry, Lou Allen. I just--I just
2399% don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's
2399% face? Couldn't she take his abuse with gentle good humor?
2400%Homer: Marge, your rides here.
2400%Marge: [angrily] Homer, it will be just a few minutes more!
2400%Ned: You're a dame and I'm a fella.
2400%Marge: Stanley, stop, or I'll tell Stella.
2400%Sinclair: [yelling] Marge, Marge! I'm asking for white-hot rage,
2400% and you're giving me a hussy fit.
2400%Homer: Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine?
2400%Sinclair: [grabbing into a pocket] Oh Here! [throws coins to the floor]
2400%Homer: [collecting the coins] Hey, there's some quarters in here.
2400%Marge: I just don't see what so bad about Stanley.
2401%Sinclair: Stanley is thoughtless, violet and loud. Marge, every second
2401% you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirt.
2401% You can't let that happen.
2401%Homer: [yells, then kicks the machine. candy spills out onto the floor]
2401% Woo hoo! Come to papa. [gathering the candy] Marge, I'll be
2401% in the car. [exits]
2401%Ned: All I want is one embrace.
2401%Homer: [honking carhorn] Marge, move it or loose it!
2401%Marge: [infuriated, she grabs the bottle] I twist this bottle in your face!
2401% [breaks bottle and lunges towards Ned]
2401%Sinclair: [joy] I've done it again.
2401% Ned, you're suppose to overpower her!
2401%Ned: [struggling] I'm trying, I'm trying!
2402%Homer: Salt me.
2402%Marge: [Southern accent] Here you are, Homer.
2402%Homer: What the?! Why are you talking like that?
2402%Marge: [Southern accent] The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in
2402% character.
2402%Lisa: [Southern accent] Hey, mom, would it help if I talk like this, too?
2402%Marge: [Southern accent] It might.
2402%Bart: [English accent] And I'll talk like this. Bob's your uncle, mate.
2402%Marge: That really doesn't help Bob.
2402%Lisa: [Southern accent] Big daddy, would you mine passing a Little'ol
2402% biscuit?
2402%Bart: [English accent, leans towards Homer] Can I slug off school
2402% tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver.
2402%Homer: [holding his face with both hands] I'm living in a coo-coo clock!
2402%Marge: [notices the time] Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to rehearse
2402% with Ned.
2402%Homer: But Marge, what about dessert?
2402%Marge: [at the doorway] For God sakes, you can pull the lid off your
2402% own can of pudding! [exits]
2402%Homer: [angrily] Fine, I will. [picks up a can of pudding]
2403% Waaaa! Oh, no! My pudding is trapped forever!
2403% So, I can open my own can of pudding can I? Shows what you know, Marge!
2404%Marge: Keep yelling you big ape.
2404%Ned: Aren't you being a little hard on old Homey?
2404%Marge: [enraged] Ommph, forget about him! Let's rehearse the bottle scene.
2404% [grabs a bottle, smashes it, and points it towards Ned]
2404%Ned: [chuckles weakly] Let's not say we did.
2405%Homer: [without looking up] So what time does this play start?
2405%Marge: [muffled] Why, are you going?
2405%Homer: Well, I gonna go, don't I?
2405%Marge: I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in
2405% the play. Oh, well, there is.
2405%Homer: Probably not much of it.
2405%Marge: Why can't you be a little more supportive?
2405%Homer: [puts down the game] Cause I don't care, okay. I can't fake an
2405% interest in this, and I'm an expert in faking an interest in your
2405% kooky projects.
2405%Marge: What kooky projects?
2405%Homer: [waving his hands about] You know, the painting class, the first-
2405% aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.
2405%Marge: Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?
2405%Homer: You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt your feelings. Good night
2405% [snores loudly]
2405%Marge: [frustrated] Mhmmm!
2406% Play nicely little humans? Good, good. [sees Maggie] Hello Maggie.
2406% [under her breath] Poor little dumber.
2407%Mr. Sinclair gives a pep-talk to his actors before the play begins.
2408% Perhaps they're all a little mad, we who don captive bells and tread
2408% beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed
2408% from dead-eye suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure
2408% entertainment!
2409%lady: What's the matter honey, are you lost?
2409%Marge/Blanche: I'm looking for my sister, Stella.
2409%Lisa: It's Mom!
2409%Homer: [looking up] Huh?
2409%Marge/Blanche: My name is Blanche Dubois. I thought my life would be a
2409% Mardi Gras... A never-ending party... [pause] Ha!
2409% I'm a faded Southern dame without a dime...
2410%Apu/Steve: I'm collecting for the Evening Star.
2410%Marge/Blanche: Come here... I want to kiss you, just once...
2410% Softly, and sweetly... on your mouth.
2411% [Apu walks a few steps towards the audience]
2412%Apu/Steve: I am just a simple paperboy,
2412% no romance do I seek...
2413% I just wanted forty cents,
2413% for my deliveries last week...
2414% Will this bewitching floozy,
2414% seduce this humble newsie?
2415% Oh, what's a paperboy to... [pause] Dooo?
2416% [Apu walks back to Marge where they kiss]
2417% Stella! STELLLAAAA!
2417% Can't you hear me YELLA!
2417% You're puttin' me through HELLA!
2417% Stella... STELLLAAAA!
2418%Bart: [his eyes following Marge] Wow, she can fly!
2418%Lisa: [sighs] I think it's suppose to symbolize her decent into madness.
2419%Marge/Blanche: Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of
2419% strangers...
2420%Cast: You can always depend on the kindness of strangers...
2420% To pluck up your spirits, and shield you from dangers...
2421%Marge/Blanche: Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret...
2422%Cast: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met...
2422% You haven't met...STREETCAR!
2423%Lisa: [excited] Mom! [lets go of rope]
2423%Bart: [getting up from the floor] Way to go, Mom!
2423%Lisa: Everybody was cheering for you.
2423%Marge: [sighs] Almost everybody.
2423%Homer: Kids, wait in the car. I want to talk to your mother about this
2423% play thing.
2423%Bart: [nudging] Look'n for a spot to find with the Muses, Huh governor?
2423% [clicks cheek]
2423%Homer: Shut-up Boy!
2423%Homer [turning to Marge] Marge, you were terrific!
2423%Marge: [unconvinced] Oh come on, Homer. By the end you were so bored,
2423% you could barely keep your selfish head up.
2423%Homer: I wasn't bored, I was sad. It really got to me how that lady here,
2423% Hump, you know which one I mean, you played her.
2423%Marge: Blanche!
2423%Homer: Yeah. How Blanche was sad, and that guy Stanley should have been
2423% nice to her.
2423%Marge: Yeah? Go on.
2423%Homer: I mean it made me feel bad, the poor thing ends up being hauled to
2423% the nut house when all she needed was for that big slob to show
2423% her some respect. At least, that what I thought--I have a history
2423% of missing a point of stuff like this.
2423%Marge: No, Homer, you got it just right. [hugs Homer]
2424%Homer: Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy.
2424%Marge: Really?
2424%Homer: Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with a nail and stuff.
2424%Marge: Well, maybe just a little.
2425%Bart: If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
2425%Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over.
2425%Bart: [pause] It's over.
2425%Lisa: [uncovers her eyes]
2425% [the movie theater is bathed in red as we hear blood spurting]
2425% Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
2425%-- Watching `Space Mutant IV', ``(Colonel Homer)''
2426%Man 1: Hey you, let's fight.
2426%Man 2: Them's fightin' words!
2426%-- Say what you mean, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2427%Okay, Fudd me.
2427%-- Homer orders a beer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2428%Lurleen: So what's your name, stranger?
2428%Homer: Homer J. Simpson.
2428%Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin.
2428%Homer: That's a pretty name.
2428%Lurleen: Oh, you think so?
2428%Homer: Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it.
2428%-- Persistence of memory, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2429% [in the operating room, the power flickers]
2429%Nurse: Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder.
2429%Doctor: Put it back! Put it back!
2429%-- It was like that when I got here! ``(Colonel Homer)''
2430%Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind.
2430%I haven't felt this way since Funky Town!
2430%-- Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2431%Moe: [listening to a song on the radio] For the next half hour,
2431% beer is on the house.
2431%Barney: [bursts out of the men's room] What'd you say, Moe?
2431% [pull back to see that the bar is otherwise empty]
2431%Moe: Nuthin'.
2431%-- Trees falling in the forest, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2432%Krusty: [slapping Sideshow Mel] I thought I told you to stay away from
2432% my sister!!
2432% [a song comes on the radio]
2432% [softens] Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.
2432%-- Calms the savage breast, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2433%I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.
2433%-- Lisa, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2434%Country music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from
2434%shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
2434%-- Bart the Critic, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2435%Marge: Who is this woman?
2435%Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress,
2435% but she's going to be a country music superstar like...
2435% uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.
2435%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2436%Marge, you make it sound so seamy.
2436%All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on
2436%some outfits.
2436%-- Homer tries to reassure Marge, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2437%Lurleen: Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know...
2437% wantin' sum'in' in return.
2437%Homer: Well, now, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now
2437% I feel kinda guilty about it.
2437%-- Ask and you shall receive, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2438%Lurleen: [chuckles] Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
2438%Homer: Hey! [thinks on it] You say sugar, right?
2438%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2439%Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager.
2439%Homer: Really?! Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
2439%Lurleen: That's okay.
2439%Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
2439%Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.
2439%Homer: I did bad in school.
2439%Lurleen: I didn't even go.
2439%Homer: My personal hygeine has been described as...
2439%-- Is that a fair recital of my deficiencies? ``(Colonel Homer)''
2440%Now this is made from a space-age fabric specially designed for Elvis.
2440%Sweat actually cleans this suit!
2440%-- Clerk at the Corpulent Cowboy, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2441%Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of
2441% managing a beautiful country singer!
2441%Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie!
2441% And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!?
2441%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2442%Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!?
2442%Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings. I'm not going into hock
2442% for this.
2442%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2443%Marge: Hm... I thought you said she was overweight.
2443%Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
2443%-- Tangoing optional, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2444%Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV!
2444%Lurleen: [squeals with delight] Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you
2444% are handsome!
2444%Homer: [angry] Hey! [softens] Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
2444%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2445%Marge: All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke.
2445% If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for.
2445%Patty: You don't?
2445%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2446%Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.
2446%-- Bart on Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2447%I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation.
2447%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
2448%Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen,
2448%and I'll take any offer.
2448%-- Homer Simpson, Master Bargainer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
2449%Dad Dinosaur: Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music?
2449%Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a stegasaurus, man!
2449%-- Television on television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2450%These talking dinosaurs are more real than most families on TV.
2450%-- Lisa watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2451%It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen!
2451%-- Bart watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2452%Patty: Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone.
2452% So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program.
2452% Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
2452%Bart: Coooool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunchtray!
2452%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2453%Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent to prison,
2453% the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and...
2453% [vigorously mimes with his steak knife] tear him a new belly button!
2453% Ungh! Ungh! Lousy snitch! Yaargh!
2453%Bart: [laughs nervously, loosens his collar]
2453%-- Don't give him any ideas, dear. ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2454%Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble
2454% truths of the Buddha.
2454%Homer: I am not!
2454%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2455%Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
2455%-- Krusty's bitter remarks towards an imprisoned Sideshow Bob upon the
2455% latter's winning of a Daytime Emmy, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2456%Now for the highlight of the evening, Best Film-to-Video Transfer.
2456%-- Krusty hosts the Daytime Emmys, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2457%Sideshow Bob: [menacingly] Bart, if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked
2457% you like a chicken the moment I walked in that door.
2457%Family: Gasp!
2457%Sideshow Bob: [cheerily] But then, what kind of guest would I have been?
2457%Family: [chuckle, except for Bart]
2457%-- On the other hand, if he'd brought a gift first...
2457% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2458%Sideshow Bob: You can't take my Emmy!
2458%Prison Guard: Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment
2458% are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.
2458%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2459%Dear No 24601...
2459% I need a man, and I cannot find one among the law-abiding.
2459% I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance lawsuits.
2459%I share an apartment with my twin sister. Enclosed is a photo of us on
2459%a tandem bike. I forget which one I am.
2459%-- Selma's letter to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2460%You're living proof that our revolving door prison system works.
2460%-- Lisa to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2461%Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking
2461% in front of your family?
2461%Selma: All right. But no tongues. [removes her cigarette and puckers up]
2461%Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine
2461% ashtray, that's not what I had in mind.
2461%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2462%Kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray.
2462%-- Sideshow Bob to his new love Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2463%Sideshow Bob: Selma, will you marry me?
2463%Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma! That man is scum!
2463%Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum!
2463%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2464%We now return to the 27th Annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness.
2464%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2465%I love you people! I love my kids! [indicates]
2465%Poor little guys. So tragic. So nauseous. You should see the bus they
2465%came to the studio in!
2465%-- Krusty hosts his Telethon for Motion Sickness,
2465% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2466%Sideshow Bob: Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting
2466% you in jail?
2466%Krusty: Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, I'm right back
2466% in there!
2466%-- Telethon for Motion Sickness, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2467%Marge: Now, about your wedding dress. Mmm, I'm not sure how to put this...
2467%Selma: White!
2467%Marge: [writing] White.
2467%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2468%Homer: You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies! They taste as good as
2468% they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce. It
2468% looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But brother, it
2468% ain't ketchup!
2468%Sideshow Bob: Well, Selma, he makes a good case.
2468%-- Catering the wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2469%This wedding is spinning out of control. Can we really afford it?
2469%I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when
2469%I left prison.
2469%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2470%Hey, relax. I told you, I got money.
2470%I bought stock in a mace company just before society crumbled.
2470%-- Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2471%I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money.
2471%Instead of your... less tangible qualities.
2471%-- Sideshow Bob to Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2472%Selma: Driver, here's a fin. Get me home and don't spare the whip!
2472%Barney: [the carriage driver] Whatever you say, Mum! [belch]
2472%-- For that added romantic touch, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2473%Man: Thank you, Senor McGyver. You've saved our village.
2473%McGyver: Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.
2473%-- Watching television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2474%Selma: That McGyver's a genius.
2474%Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor.
2474% And second, he's not of an actor.
2474%Selma: [refusing to believe] You're lying! You're lying!
2474%Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. is lying.
2474% [puts on an absurd smile]
2474% That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never
2474% made me want to retch.
2474%-- Telling it like it is, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2475%Sideshow Bob: Selma, I don't know what to say...
2475%Selma: Just tell me you like McGyver.
2475%Sideshow Bob: Very well, I... I... [breaks down]
2475% I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked-on!
2475%-- A critical eye, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2476%Homer: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal.
2476% You know why?
2476%Selma: No.
2476%Sideshow Bob: Go on.
2476%Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her ``non-violent'' programs,
2476% I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble
2476% home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap]
2476%Marge: [smiles, takes his hand]
2476%-- Meeting halfway, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2477%Bart no like. Bad medicine.
2477%-- Bart expresses his disapproval, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2478%Lisa: [bitterly] could've been the flower girl. And I wouldn't keep
2478% falling down, either.
2478%Bart: Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?
2478%Lisa: Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine.
2478%-- Selma's wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2479%Marge: [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception]
2479% Ooh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty, Krusty, say something funny!
2479%Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke. Um... Um... Uh, funny, uh, okay. Uh,
2479% this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a
2479% twelve-inch pianist. Oh hoho, no, wait! I can't tell one!
2479%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2480%Ah, fire! Scourge of Prometheus! Toaster of marshmallows!
2480%[evilly] Eradicator of deadwood...
2480%-- Sideshow Bob lights the fireplace, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2481%Sideshow Bob: [rubbing Selma's feet] [quietly] Soon I will kill you...
2481%Selma: What?
2481%Sideshow Bob: Son pied sont il beau. [?]
2481% French for ``Her foot smells lovely.''
2481%Selma: [calms down] Oh...
2481%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered...
2481%Selma: Huh?
2481%Sideshow Bob: /eh pah dee meh moo-doo/.
2481% That's Sanskrit for ``Your toes are like perfume.''
2481%Selma: [calms down] Oh...
2481%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] /voia matara/ usted.
2481%Selma: Wha?
2481%Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you...
2481%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2482%You tried to kill me. I want a separation.
2482%-- Selma to her husband of nary a few days Sideshow Bob,
2482% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2483%My best-laid plans have gang agley!
2483%-- Sideshow Bob, poetic to the end, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2484%Bart: Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?
2484%Wiggum: Well, no, frankly. But that never stopped us before.
2484%-- Sideshow Bob, foiled again, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2485%Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?
2485%Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in!
2485%Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do
2485% his job...
2485%Chief Wiggum: No no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.
2485%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2486%Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.
2486%-- Bart the Hero, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2487%To the Simpson-Mobile!
2487%-- Homer, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2488%I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever.
2488%And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies!
2488%Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
2488%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2489%There was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
2489%-- Marge, on Bart's unraveling of Sideshow Bob's murderous plan,
2489% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
2490%Bart: Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket!
2490%Milhouse: It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics!
2490%-- ``Otto Show''
2491%Homer: Now just meet me back here after the show.
2491%Bart: Thanks, Dad. Sure you're not going to be bored?
2491%Homer: [chuckles] Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the
2491% back seat of a car! Heh, heh, heh, heh...
2491% [flashback. Inspiration Point. Homer in the back seat, his car
2491% springing up and down]
2491%Young Homer: [lustfully] Ohhhhhhh.... Oh, baby...
2491% [Young Homer eats pizza, hot dogs, chips...]
2491%-- ``Otto Show''
2492%Check it out, Spinal Tap kicking Mohammar Qadaffi in the butt.
2492%A timeless classic. Now two for a dollar.
2492%-- Hawking t-shirts, ``Otto Show''
2493%Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout
2493%your career. ``Washed-up.''
2493%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show''
2494%Here you are, among the top one hundred and five concert acts today.
2494%What's your secret, guys?
2494%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show''
2495%We're very big in Bulgaria. And what-his-name, the other -garia...
2495%-- Spinal Tap speaks, ``Otto Show''
2496%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... Duff Beer, in association with
2496%Laramie Cigarettes, is proud to welcome... Spinal Tap!
2496%-- Rock concert, ``Otto Show''
2497%Tonight, the city weeps, as for the first time ever, a hockey arena
2497%becomes then scene of violence.
2497%-- Kent Brockman reports on a concert riot, ``Otto Show''
2498%Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with
2498%rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's
2498%``The Magic Flute''. So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this
2498%reporters opinion, the answer, sadly, is `yes'.
2498%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, ``Otto Show''
2499%Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good
2499% real fast, or !
2499%Marge: Homer!
2499%Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
2499%-- Feedback of all types, ``Otto Show''
2500%I'd loik to play me latest chart-toppah. It's called,
2500%``Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs''.
2500%-- Bart the heavy-metal rock star, ``Otto Show''
2501%Bart: I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto-Man!
2501%Otto: Hey, that's all I in high school!
2501%-- ``Otto Show''
2502%My old man said I was wasting my time, and I'd never amount to anything.
2502%He-hah-hah-hah! He-hah-hah-hah-heh-heh! [realizes] Oh...
2502%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
2503%Otto: Uh-oh. Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes!
2503%Lisa: We don't have seat belts.
2503%Otto: Well, then, uh... Just try to go limp.
2503%-- ``Otto Show''
2504%I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.
2504%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
2505%Well, that tears it. Until you get a [drivers] license and wear your own
2505%underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!
2505%-- Principal Skinner to Otto, ``Otto Show''
2506%Patty: [laughs spontaneously]
2506%Selma: What's so funny?
2506%Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the
2506% toaster.
2506%Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.
2506%-- ``Otto Show''
2507%You failed every segment, and misspelled `bus' on your application.
2507%-- Patty administers Otto's driving test, ``Otto Show''
2508%Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and
2508%put on an eviction notice!
2508%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
2509%Otto: Can I at least get my stuff?
2509%Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old
2509% `Psycho' magazines.
2509%Otto: Wow! I have mustard?
2509%-- Otto gets evicted, ``Otto Show''
2510%Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster?
2510%Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line.
2510% This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.
2510%-- His summer home is the aluminum recycle bin down the street, ``Otto Show''
2511%Marge: What's going on?
2511%Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this
2511% afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
2511%Marge: What conversation?
2511%Bart: [turns on a tape recorder]
2511%Tape: [Bart] ``Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?''
2511% [bad imitation of Marge] ``He sure can!''
2511%Homer: Marge, what were you thinking!
2511%Marge: That's not my voice!
2511%Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
2511%-- ``Otto Show''
2512%Otto: Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!
2512%Homer: Forget it! That lie didn't work for my dad, and it's not
2512% going to work for you!
2512%-- ``Otto Show''
2513%Marge: Doesn't the Bible say, ``Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers,
2513% that you do unto me''?
2513%Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say ``Thou shalt not take... moochers
2513% into thy... hut''?
2513%-- ``Otto Show''
2514%Bart: Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house and
2514% chip in a few bucks whenever he can.
2514%Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.
2514%Otto: Wow! What's the catch?
2514%-- The catch is, you have to stay with the Simpsons, ``Otto Show''
2515%Homer: Will you knock it off, I can't hear myself think!
2515% [the music stops]
2515% [thinks] I want some peanuts.
2515% [aloud] That's better!
2515%-- ``Otto Show''
2516%Homer: Hey, how come you never play your guitar any more?
2516%Bart: I'll tell ya the truth, Dad. I wasn't goot at it right away, so
2516% I quit. I hope you're not mad.
2516%Homer: [sweetly] Son, come here! Heh heh heh...
2516% [Bart sits on Homer's knee]
2516% Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not
2516% worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your
2516% short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll
2516% go inside and watch TV.
2516%-- ``Otto Show''
2517%Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
2517%Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who
2517% knows how to fake his own death.
2517%-- ``Otto Show''
2518%I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time. This time, I'm hung over!
2518%-- Otto dreads his driving test, ``Otto Show''
2519%Bart: You can do it, Otto! You're the coolest adult I ever met!
2519%Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. ...
2519% I've been tried as one, but...
2519%-- ``Otto Show''
2520%``Alcohol imcreases your ability to drive.'' [looks up the answer]
2520%``False''!? Oh, man!
2520%-- Otto studies for his driving test, ``Otto Show''
2521%Bart: Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball!
2521%Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future!
2521%Bart: Really?
2521%Milhouse: Uh huh.
2521%Bart: [takes it] Will I pass my English test? [shakes it]
2521% [reads] ``Outlook not so good''.
2521% Wow, it work!
2521%-- Ask me no questions, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2522%Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.
2522%Other principals try to unload problem cases that way.
2522%Lord knows do...
2522%-- Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2523%Ms.K: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
2523%Samantha: Uh huh.
2523%Ms.K: So, why don't you stand in front of the class and tell us about
2523% yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
2523%-- Introducing a new student, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2524%Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy
2524%target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car
2524%and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film.
2524%-- Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2525%Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step
2525%out into the hall and pray for our souls.
2525%-- Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2526%Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such
2526%educational films as ``Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly'' and ``Here
2526%Comes the Metric System!''
2526%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2527%I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner.
2527%And now, here's... ``Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''...
2527%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2528%This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing,
2528%he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before.
2528%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2529%She's faking it.
2529%-- Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film,
2529% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2530%Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful little bunnies.
2530%Eight survived.
2530%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2531%And now that you know how it's done... Don't do it.
2531%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2532%Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
2532%Ms.K: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and
2532% marry out of fear of dying alone. [chuckles]
2532%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2533%Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
2533%Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
2533%Bart: God shmod! I want my monkey-man!
2533%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2534%Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress.
2534%Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it. I hate it.
2534%Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too!
2534%-- Flexibility in crisis, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2535%Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!
2535%-- Otto, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2536%My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar. 4:15 to 4:20!
2536%-- Otto, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2537%Samantha: Hi.
2537%Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt?
2537%Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
2537%Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?
2537%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2538%Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?
2538%Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two
2538%fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind
2538%it is a very big canyon.
2538%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2539%I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
2539%-- Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream),
2539% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2540%We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich,
2540%creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
2540%We call it the Good Morning Burger.
2540%-- Homer watches a television advertisement, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2541%Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk
2541%you're running.
2541%-- Bart, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2542%We start with pure milk chocolate...
2542%Add a layer of farm-fresh honey...
2542%Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...
2542%And dip it in rich, creamery butter...
2542%-- The candy bar from hell, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2543%Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting
2543% or lifting a finger?
2543%Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag!
2543%-- You did ask, after all, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2544%Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep.
2544% As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your
2544% brain telling you to eat less.
2544%Homer: Lose weight listen to New Age music? Wow!
2544%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2545%Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
2545%Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic repacity knows no satieties.
2545%-- Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake,
2545% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2546%Bart: All they do is kiss.
2546%Marge: How cute! [turns to leave, then catches herself]
2546% They don't open their mouths, do they?
2546%Bart: No.
2546%Marge: How cute!
2546%-- Both feet on the ground, please. ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2547%This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully
2547%lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes!
2547%-- Martin, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2548%Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants.
2548%-- Man to woman in bed, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2549%Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination
2549% runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened.
2549%Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I...
2549%Mr.Stanky: That's enough!
2549%-- Guilt by association, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2550%How could this happen?
2550%We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
2550%-- Milhouse, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2551%Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years,
2551% man will have another finger. [shows an artist's conception
2551% of a five-fingered hand]
2551%Bart: Five fingers? Ewwww! Freak show!
2551%-- Only for some, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2552%Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
2552%Marge: You mean, a spoon?
2552%Homer: Yeah, yeah!
2552%-- It was on the tip of my tongue, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2553%Bart: How are we going to find her?
2553%Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.
2553%-- Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls,
2553% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2554%Bart: Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the
2554% penguin house.
2554%Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian [School].
2554% It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns.
2554% They're very nice, except they never let me ewt.
2554%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love''
2555%Homer: I'm all naked and all wet!
2555%Marge: Get up, Homer. It's time for Church.
2555%Homer: [whines] I don't want to go.
2555%Marge: It's Church--you have to go!
2556%Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
2556%Marge: Your father's.. [pause] resting.
2556%Bart: Resting hung over, resting got fired--help me out here.
2557%Homer: Oh oh! Gotta take a whizz. Think fast. Think. Think..think..think.
2557% [resigning] Well.. I'd better get up.
2558%Homer: I'm whizzing with the door open aaaand I love it!
2559%Radio: It's eleven KBBL degrees belooow zero, I hope you're someplace warm.
2559%Homer: You bet'cha sweet... [looks around] ASS!
2559% [laughs]
2560%Rev. L: Let's put it out of our minds and turn to the Lamentations of
2560% Jeremiah -- LONG VERSION!
2561%Stereo: -Who wear short shorts?-
2561%Homer: [dancing] I wear short shorts!
2562%Homer: [eyeing batter] Oooo, waffle run-off! [greedily gobbles it up]
2563%When the waffle is done, he serves it wrapped around a block of butter with
2563%a toothpick, posing with it in front of his mouth before taking a bite.
2563%``Mmmm, fatting.''
2564%At church, Rev. Lovejoy dishes out the God-fearing stuff.
2565%Rev. L: ...and he was cast into the firey cauldron of Hell!
2565% The searing heat! The scalding rivers of molten sulfur!
2566%Lisa: [praying] Our father, who art in heaven. H--
2566%Bart: [annoyed] Lisa, this isn't the time nor the place!
2567%Welding a coffee mug, Homer sits on the couch while listening to the radio.
2568%Bill: That was John Calhoun with ``I'm gonna find me a genie with a magic
2568% bikini''.
2568%Marty: [laugh] Of course... John's next album was a spoken word album of
2568% his right-wing political views; it kinda killed his career. If you
2568% can tell me the name of the album, call our contest line now!
2569%Homer: Hello, this is Homer Simpson.
2569%Radioguy1: Homer, can you name that title?
2569%Homer: [looking directly at the album] THIS-THINGS-I-BELIEVE.
2569%Radioguy1: D'aaa, can we except that?
2569% [sound of a cash register]
2569%Homer: [fist in the air] Wow Ho!
2570%Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!
2571%Rev. L: [reading from a paper] Card table for sale: Top badly damaged,
2571% leg missing, but otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.
2572%Lady: You must be the three chiropractors I send for. Now start
2572% manipulating my spine.
2572%Curly: Hey Moe, we don't know anything about manipulat'n.
2572%Moe: You heard the lady, grab a spine and get crack'n [slaps Curly]
2572%Homer: He he he.. Moe is their leader.
2572%Curly: [-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-]
2572%Moe: Why you [-pop-]
2572%Curly: Hey!
2573%Homer welds the TV remote in one hand, a trusty beer in the other.
2574%Homer: C'mon TV, give me some of that sweet sweet pap! [switches the TV on]
2574%TVguy: Who wants to define our terms, gentlemen, are we talking about
2574% redistricting or reapportionment? Because...
2574%Homer: Oh well, can't win them all.
2575%Announcer: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you.. [pause]
2575% a football game.
2576%Homer leaps into the air (``YES!''), throws his beer to the floor and does a
2576%little football victory jig.
2577%Lisa: [pointing downward] Give it a little more gas... [Marge complies]
2577% No No! That's too much! [pause] You know what I think would help?
2577%Marge: [lashing out] WHAT!? WHAT WOULD HELP?!!
2577%Lisa: [cowering] nothing..
2578%Football commentator:
2578% Oh, Doctor, 98 yard triple reverse ties the score 63-63. We've seen
2578% nothing but razzle-dazzle here today. Three visits from `Morgana, the
2578% Kissing Bandit' and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.
2579%Homer cheers with excitement, (``Wow Hoo'') before noticing a shiny brand
2579%new 1991 penny on the floor between his legs.
2580%Homer: [astonished] Is that what I think it is? [Lincoin nods]
2580% [triumphantly] I FOUND...A...PPPPENNY!
2581%Marge: That's a terrible thing to say! [to the kids] Kids, your father
2581% doesn't really mean that.
2581%Homer: Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church.. Again!
2581%Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
2581%Homer: Nooo! Noo noo noo no nnnoo! [pause] Well.. yes.
2582%Homer: Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building ever Sunday?
2582% I mean isn't God everywhere?
2582%Bart: [agrees] Amen, bother!
2582%Homer: [waving hands about] And don't you think the Almighty has better
2582% things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly
2582% hour of his week?
2582%Bart: Tell it, Daddy!
2582%Homer: [shuffles about] And what if we'd picked the wrong religion?
2582% Every week we're just making God madder and madder.
2582%Bart: [rejoice] Testify!
2582%Marge: [sees Bart waving his hands about] Mmmm.
2583%Marge: He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord--he just likes to sleep in
2583% on Sundays.
2584%Marge: [He's not a bad man, Lord, really! He just sometimes...]
2584%Homer: It's good for what ails yah.
2584%Marge: [...he doesn't mean any harm...]
2584%Homer: I can wait all-- [snores]
2585%Homer: God?
2586%GOD: [pointing finger] THOU HAS FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!
2586%Homer: [cowering] Well, err, kind of, but--
2586%GOD: [commands] BUT WHAT?
2586%Homer: [whines] I'm not a bad guy. [kneels] I work hard and I love my kids,
2586% so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to
2586% Hell?
2586%GOD: [ponders] MMMM. YOU GOT A POINT, THERE. [sits down]
2586% YOU KNOW SOMETIMES EVEN I WOULD RATHER BE WATCHING FOOTBALL.
2586% [motions Homer to sit beside him] DOES ST. LOUIS STILL HAVE A TEAM?
2586%Homer: No, they'd moved to Phoenix.
2586%GOD: [remembering] OH, YAH.
2586%Homer: You know what I hate about Church--those boring sermons!
2586%GOD: [heavy sigh] I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. THAT REVEREND LOVEJOY REALLY
2586% DISPLEASES ME--I THINK I'LL GIVE HIM A CANKER SORE.
2586%Homer: Give him one for me.
2586%GOD: I WILL.
2587% HOMER, IT'S A DEAL. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO APPEAR IN A
2587% TORTILLA IN MEXICO.
2588%Lisa: Dad, can I ask you a question?
2588%Homer: Sure, honey.
2588%Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
2588%Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart, if I'm wrong I'll recant on my deathbed.
2589%Rev.L: [mock surprise] Oh, really?
2589%Homer: Yeah! He'd appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was
2589% special because I usually dream about naked.. [hesitates] Marge.
2589%Marge: [frustrated] Huhmmm.
2589%Bart: [impressed] So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? What did he look like?
2589%Homer: Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.
2589%Marge: [wildly] Homer, you're crazy! [to Lovejoy] Tell him this is all crazy!
2589%Rev.L: Ahh, Homer.. I like you to remember Matthew 7-26, `The foolish man
2589% who built his house on sand.'
2589%Homer: [pointing finger] Oh, you remember [stumbles] Matthew 21-17.
2589%Rev.L: And he left them, and went out of the city to Bethany and he
2589% lodged there?
2589%Homer: [embarrassed] Hey--think about it!
2590%Moe: Sorry, Homer, I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.
2591%Ned: [holding a guitar] Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we'll
2591% made it our mission to win you back to the flock.
2591%Homer: No sale!
2591%Ned: Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice--hey, dig
2591% this...
2591% -God said to Noel, there's going to be a floody floody-
2592%Marge: I have a responsible to raise these kids right. And unless you
2592% change, I'll have to tell them their father's [pause] well.. Wicked!
2593%Homer answers.
2594%Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy.. He had
2594% long hair, and some wild ideas. And he didn't always do what other
2594% people thought was right. And that man's names was [pause] I forget,
2594% but the point is [another pause] Aww, I forget that too.. Marge,
2594% you know what I'm talking about? He use to drive that blue car..
2595%Homer: There you go again--always taking someone else's side.
2595% [counts on his fingers] Flanders, the water department, God.
2596%The church billboard: TODAY'S TOPIC - WHEN HOMER MET SATAN
2597%Rev. L: Ohhh, don't look for the pitch-fork and pointy tail--today's devil
2597% has assumed a seductive form, pleasing to the eye.
2598%Homer: Apu, I see you're not in church.
2598%Apu: Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesh, the God of wordily wisdom,
2598% [pointing] located in the employee lounge.
2598%Homer: [walks over, sees a tiny multi-armed elephant]
2598% Hey, Ganesh, wanna peanut?
2598%Apu: [arms folded] Please don't offer my God a peanut!
2598%Homer: [amused] No offence Apu, but when they're handing out religions
2598% you must be out taking a whizz.
2598%Apu: [irately] Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...
2598% [changing expression] ...and come again.
2599%
2599% Waaaaaagh! Fire! What do I do? What do I do? [coughing] The song!
2599% The song...
2599% When the fire starts to burn,
2599% there's a lesson you must learn.
2600% Something...something...then you see,
2600% you will avoid catastrophe...
2601% ...D'OH!
2602% [Homer collapses]
2603%Apu: Lit'l Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
2603%Jamshed: [gratified] I have waited for this day...
2604%Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience! [melts] But you're sooo cute!
2605%Ned: Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress square
2605% and true.
2606%Homer: My magazines and roach traps! Gone! All gone!
2607%Homer: Hey, wait a minute.. Flanders' a regular Charlie Church and God
2607% didn't save his house?!
2608%Homer: [coyly] Well...the Picasso, my collection of classic cars...
2608%Assessor: [eyes in the air] Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses,
2608% not made up stuff.
2608%Homer: [bummed out] Well that just great!
2609%God: DON'T FEEL BAD, HOMER. 9 OUT OF 10 RELIGIONS FAIL THEIR FIRST YEAR.
2610%Homer: God, I gotta ask you something--what's the meaning of life?
2610%God: HOMERRRR...I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT!
2610%Homer: C'mon!
2610%God: YOU FIND OUT WHEN YOU DIE.
2610%Homer: I can't wait that long!
2610%God: YOU CAN'T WAIT 6 MONTHS?
2610%Homer: No, tell me now.
2610%God: WELL.. [pause] OKAY. THE MEANING OF LIFE IS
2611%Captain's Log, Stardate 6051: Had trouble sleeping last night; my
2611%hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain,
2611%but nobody listens.
2611%-- ``Star Trek XII: So Very Tired'', ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2612%Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
2612%Kirk: [covering his face in annoyance] Again with the Klingons...
2612%-- ``Star Trek XII: So Very Tired'', ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2613%Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to stand here and take this.
2613%I... [zzzzzzz]
2613%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2614%Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting.
2614% We'll bring back dinner.
2614%Lisa: What are we gonna have?
2614%Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been
2614% good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
2614%Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
2614%Bart: Poison pizza.
2614%Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!
2614%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2615%Homer: I'm thinking of a number between one and fifty.
2615%Marge: Is it 37?
2615%Homer: D'oh! ... I mean.... No.
2615%-- A numbers racket, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2616%Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities:
2616%Synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots.
2616%Replacing my birth-control pills with Tic-Tacs.
2616%-- Mrs. Krabappel reads the charges, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2617%Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's.
2617%Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.
2617%-- Homer Simpson's guide to raising children,
2617% ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2618%``My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary''.
2618%You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my `Where's the Beef?'
2618%bumper sticker.
2618%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2619%I will try to raise a better child.
2619%-- Marge's blackboard punishment, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2620%He's the boy you love to hate!
2620%-- Homer on Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2621%Ms. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the
2621% poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief
2621% Justice of the Supreme Court.
2621%Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he
2621% would join. John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes,
2621% Warren Burgher... Mmmmmmm... Burgher...
2621%-- Don't forget Justice Frankfurter, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2622%Boy, time really flies when you're reading... [sees what he's holding]
2622%The Bible!? Ewww....
2622%-- Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2623%Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to
2623% put you in a home.
2623%Grampa: You already put me in a home.
2623%Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we say on Sixty Minutes!
2623%Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
2623%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2624%Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
2624%-- Homer's punishment for Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2625%Homer: Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this.
2625%Bart: Dad, you punish me, but that means you have to think
2625% of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it...
2625%Homer: [whining] Aw...
2625%Bart: Or... you could let me go play with Milhouse, while you
2625% spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sit-coms.
2625% [turns on the TV. Bumble-Bee Man is on]
2625%Homer: Hee hee hee. Run along, you little scamp.
2625%-- The art of persuasion, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2626%The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
2626%-- Homer's tips on getting out of jury duty, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2627%We got beets!
2627%-- Lisa, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2628%Marge: Do you want your son to become become Chief Justice of the
2628% Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
2628%Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
2628%Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
2628%Homer: who's being na\"{\i}ve?
2628%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2629%Kent: Tonight on ``Eye on Springfield'', we meet a man who's been hiccupping
2629% for 45 years!
2629%Man: [hic!] Kill me! [hic] Kill me!
2629%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2630%Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
2630%Bart: Sounds like something you'd say...
2630%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2631%Oh no! Beta!
2631%-- Snake inspects his haul, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2632%Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
2632%Bart: Not bloody likely.
2632%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2633%Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt,
2633% but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until
2633% I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table.
2633% [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
2633%Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
2633%Homer: [cheerily] I like stories.
2633%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2634%TV sucks.
2634%-- Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2635%Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
2635%Homer: But then I won't be watching TV!
2635%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2636%Lisa: He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!
2636%Homer: Don't you think I know that?
2636%-- Well, honestly... No, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2637%One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
2637%-- Justice Bart Simpson buys movie tickets, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2638%Mmm... Soylent Green.
2638%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie''
2639%Homer: Good evening. I have been asked to tell you that the following show
2639% is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You
2639% see, there are some *crybabies* out there (religious types mostly),
2639% who might be offended. If you are one of them I advise you to turn
2639% off your set now.
2640%Marge: Homer! Did you just call everyone ``chicken''?
2640%Homer: Noooo. I swear on this Bible!
2640%Marge: That's not a Bible; that's a book of carpet samples.
2640%Homer: Ooooh... fuzzy.
2641%Homer: Behold mighty Caesar! [sheet catches on a nail] In all his glory!
2641% [kids laugh at the Emperor's new clothes] D'oh!
2642%Nelson (dressed as a pirate) watches Martin tiptoe towards him.
2643%Martin: I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry!
2643%Nelson: No kiddin'! [punches Martin]
2644%Bart ``Alec'' Simpson admits to his mother.
2645%Bart: [English accent] Stupid party, wish we were trick or treat'n.
2645%Marge: Now Bart, you can find just as much horror around the house.
2646%Bart: Yo, Mom! We haven't got the eyeballs yet.
2646%Marge: [aims the flashlight at Homer, who is eating the ghoulish snacks]
2646% Homer, you're ruining it!
2646%Homer: Yeah, well... It was an evil game.
2647%Homer: That's not so scary.
2647%Lisa: A doll... From *Hell*!
2647%Homer: [scared] I'm gonna go to the store...
2647%Lisa: [laughs evilly]
2648%Abe: The Government. I didn't earn it; I don't need it; but if they miss
2648% one payment, I raise HELL!
2649%Bart: Hey Homer, where's your present?
2649%Homer: D'oh! I mean... *Don't* worry son, I forgot to get you a present.
2649% But I swear on my father's grave--
2649%Abe: Hey!
2650%Owner: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread.
2650% We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call ``Frogurt''!
2651%Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
2651%Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
2651%Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
2651%Homer: [relieved] That's good.
2651%Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
2651%Homer: [worried] That's bad.
2651%Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
2651%Homer: [relieved] That's good.
2651%Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
2651%Homer: [stares]
2651%Owner: That's bad.
2651%Homer: [worried] Can I go now?
2652%Abe: [shouting] That doll is *evil*, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviilllll!
2652%Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
2652%Abe: [whines] I just want attention.
2653%Kent: And in environmental news, scientists have announced that
2653% Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.
2654%Doll: I'm Krusty the clown and I don't like you.
2654%Homer: Heh heh heh heh.
2654%Doll: I'm Krusty the clown and I'm going to *kill* you!
2654%Homer: Hee hee hee. Didn't even pull the string that time.
2654%Doll: I said I was going to kill you! [points finger] YOU! Homer Simpson!
2655%Marge: Homer, what's wrong?
2655%Homer: [pointing to the harmless doll]
2655% That doll tried kill him!
2655%Bart: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?
2656%Homer: My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second
2656% name, it's H-O-M-E-R...
2657%Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
2658%Krusty chats up Lisa's Malibu Stacey doll.
2659%Krusty: Hey baby! Get comfortable. Relaaax. It's a little hot for that
2659% cheerleader outfit, don't you think?
2660%Krusty: You think your dirty socks can stop me?!
2660% Well, they *are* making me... dizzy. Ooooohhh..
2661%Man: I was a fool to think that anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi
2661% Goldberg. [pit rejects the photos] What the--?
2662%Doll: Guess who, Fat boy!!
2662%Homer: [blinded, bumping around] Marge! Marge! Look!
2662%Marge: [from the kitchen] Oh, my God!
2662%Homer: [staggering into the kitchen] The doll's trying to kill me and the
2662% toaster's been laughin' at me!
2663%Marge: Your doll is trying to kill my husband! [pause] Yes, I'll hold.
2664%Repair: [pointing to a switch on the back of the doll] Yup.
2664% Here's your problem; someone set this thing to ``evil''.
2665%Doll: Here you go, buddy.
2665%Homer: Did you walk the dog?
2665%Doll: Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.
2665%Homer: Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.
2665%Doll: Yeah. [sotto voce] You stupid jerk!
2666%Doll: Oooh, what a day. Homer made me give him a sponge bath [shutters]
2666% But coming home to you makes it all worth it.
2667%Abe: Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!
2668%Bart: Grandpa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
2668%Abe: [resentfully] That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a *lot*
2668% of movies...
2669%Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier; I'm here about your ad [in the newspaper
2669% she is holding]: ``Single white female wanted for mysterious
2669% expedition. Must like monkeys. Non-smoker preferred''.
2669%Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude
2669% and uncouth sailors.
2670%Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
2670%Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
2670%Burns: We *know* what you think! [to Marge] Young lady, you're hired.
2670% [laughs sinisterly]
2671%Karl: Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island.
2671%Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape.
2671%Karl: I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island.
2671%Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
2671%Karl: Apes. But they're not so big.
2672%Otto: Hey, who's this ``Homer'' dude?
2672%Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted
2672% by the Ape Island Jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.
2672%Marge: Am I going too?
2672%Burns: Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait-- uhh, that
2672% is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty!
2672% [to himself] Heh heh! I covered that up pretty well.
2673%Chief: Mosi Tatupu! Mosi Tatupu!
2673% (translation: The Blue-haired woman will make a good sacrifice.)
2673%Marge: What's he saying?
2673%Burns: He's saying ``We wouldn't *dream* of sacrificing the blue-haired woman''
2674%the moment.
2675%Burns: Smithers, this is a golden opportunity! If we can get him alive, we
2675% can put him on Broadway! Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army!
2676%Burns: Now we don't want to kill him! Shoot him around the groin and belly!
2677%Lenny: Hey Homer, cut it out! Come on! Quit eatin' me!
2678%Karl fires his rifle, hitting Lenny in the arm.
2679%Lenny: [sarcastically] Ow! Nice shot, Karl!
2680%King Homer burps after swallowing Lenny. Mr. Burns tries the sleeping gas.
2681%Burns: All right, you big ape... Get a snootful of this gas bomb!
2682%Burns: Nice work, Smithers! When we get back, I'm giving you a raise!
2682% [King Homer swallows Smithers whole] Oh well...
2683%Reporter: What kind of show do you got for us, Mr. Burns?
2683%Burns: Well, the Ape's going to stand around for three hours or so,
2683% then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Duggan and Dirschwitz.
2683%Reporter: Sen-sational!
2684%Burns: Ladies and gentlemen! In his native land he was a King! But he
2684% comes before you in chains for your own amusement! Presenting Homer!
2684% The eighth wonder of the world!
2685%Marge: I think you're making him angry...
2685%Dave: C'mon, what's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield?
2686%Burns: I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that.
2687%Marge: Y'know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more
2687% vegetables and less people...
2688%Marge: [feeling for Homer's breath with her hand] He's not dead!
2688%Burns: No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the
2688% Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler building.
2688%Homer: [moans]
2688%Marge: Don't worry, Homey. I'll take care of you.
2689%Photographer: Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second..
2689%
2689%Ingrid Bouvier: [worried] Wait, Marge, I can't find your father!
2689%Marge: [sees a leg disappear down King Homer's mouth] Oh, Homer!
2690%Man: Awwwwwwooo ooooooogh!
2690%kids: [all screaming] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
2690%Ned: Hi kids! Did I scaredly dare you?
2690%Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I've got a story so scary you'll wet your
2690% pants!
2690%Abe: Too late. [kids shift away]
2691%Bart gives a book report during class. Mrs. Krabappel listlessly endures.
2692%Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of
2692% alphabetic adventure!
2692%Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
2692%Bart: Well, most of it.
2693%Bart: [reading the title] Book of Magic and Spells; Vol.II
2693%Book: [four apparitions appear] Evil!...EVIL!...MADNESS!...Beware!...BEWARE!
2693%Bart: Cool! [slams the book shut]
2693%Book: Oww!...OWWW!...oww!...OWWW!
2694%Bart: Chapter 8; Let's talk zombies. If a zombie bites you, you'll become a
2694% zombie. You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains of the living
2694% until the spell is broken.
2694%Lisa: [annoyed] Bart, please. Don't you remember that Snowball I died four
2694% years ago tonight? Run over by the Mayor's beer-swilling brother,
2694% Clovos(sp?).
2694%Bart: Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that will bring her back from the
2694% dead? [Lisa blinks as Bart flips through the pages]
2694% Let's see what we got. How to get your skeletons their whitest.
2694% Selling your soul in a buyers' market. Ahh, here we are; how to raise
2694% the dead.
2695%Lisa: [staring at SB1's grave marker] It's not working. [sighs]
2695% [notices zombies] Bart! You cast the wrong spell -- ZOMBIES!
2695%Bart: Please Lis, they preferred to be called the `Living Impaired'.
2696%Ned: Well how'd strangers, what can I do you for?
2696%Zombies: BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS!
2696%Ned: Well Sui Doloks; you rascal, [chuckle] I thought you were dead.
2697%Lisa: Dad, we've done something very bad!
2697%Homer: [eating pork rinds, frowns] Did you wreck the car?
2697%Bart: Nooo!
2697%Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead?
2697%Lisa: Yesss!
2697%Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay?
2697%Kids: Yes!
2697%Homer: [relieved] Alright then.
2698%Krusty: [zombie-like] To enter, send me your parents' brains. Put your
2698% parents' brains on a 3x5 card, and send it to--
2699%Marge: [interrupting] Homer, did you barricade the door?
2699%Homer: Why? Oh, the Zombies.. No! [the back door collapses inward]
2699%Family: [seeing the zombies] Aaaaaaaagggggggh!
2700%Bart: I thought dabbling in the Back Arts would be good for a chuckle, how
2700% wrong I was; I should have never read that book!
2700%Lisa: Bart, maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell?
2700%Marge: It's our only hope!
2700%Homer: [cocking a sawn-off shotgun] To the book depository!
2701%Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
2701%Homer: [smoking gun in hand] He was a Zombie??
2702%Alien1: The zombies have the earthlings on the run.
2702%Alien2: Soon the human race will wither and fold. Let the earth plunge
2702% we've seen on the Observe-a-scope.
2703%Homer: [shocked] Barney, not you too?!!
2703%Barney: I'm not a Zombie, but hey, when in Rome..
2704%Homer: Take that, Washington!
2704% Eat lead, Einstein!
2704% Show's over, Shakespeare!
2704%Will: [collapsing dramatically] Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?
2705%Bart: Kolchak..Mannix..Banachek..Dano! [-poof- Lisa turns into a snail]
2705%Lisa: What's wrong?
2705%Bart: I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become.
2705%Lisa: [blushes]
2706%Bart: Trojan..Ramses..Magnum..Sheiks!
2707%Zombie1: See you in hell.
2707%Zombie2: Still pushing that boulder?
2707%Zombie1: Uh huh.
2708%Quimby: The, aw, Zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting
2708% in our streets.
2708%Crowd: [cheers]
2709%Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
2709%Bart: [zombie-like] Shhhhh...T V.
2709%Homer: [zombie-like] MAN..FALL..DOWN.....FUNNY!
2709%Family: [zombie-like] MMMMMM.
2710%Oakley-Doakley-Do!
2710%-- Ned Flanders, ``Marge Gets a Job''
2711%Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional
2711%videos as ``Mothballing Your Battleship'' and ``Dig Your Own Grave, And Save!''
2711%-- ``Marge Gets a Job''
2712%Now, over the next six hours, I'll be going over the Do's and Do-Not-Do's
2712%of foundation repair.
2712%-- Troy McClure's instructional video, ``Marge Gets a Job''
2713%Troy: Now, do you hav extruded poly-vinyl foam insulation?
2713%Homer: No.
2713%Troy: Good.
2713%-- Homer improvement, ``Marge Gets a Job''
2714%... leaving the Vice President in charge.
2714%-- Kent Brockman's news report, ``Marge Gets a Job''
2715%Marge, it'll cost eighty-five hundred dollars!
2715%We only have five hundred in the bank,
2715%and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need.
2715%-- Carry the ten, ``Marge Gets a Job''
2716%March 15th. I wish I brought a TV. Oh God, how I miss TV!
2716%-- Homer's journal of life in the woods, ``Marge Gets a Job''
2717%Marley: You mind if I say a few words?
2717%Burns: Oh, me-me-me, ``I want all the attention because it's
