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Nick Mason Nick Mason's Ficticious Sports Produced by Nick Mason & Carla Bley Released 1981 "Can't Get My Motor To Start" (Bley) Can't get my motor to start Can't get my motor to start Can't get my motor to start Can't get my motor to start Can't you get it to go? Is your battery low? No, I don't think so Try pullin out on the choke Try lookin' under the hood Try pullin out on the choke Try lookin' under the hood Lookin under the hood Never did any good The choke must be broke Try beatin' down with your feet looks like she's startin' to crank Let's take the gasoline out Try puttin' beer in the tank Bring the beer over here 'Cause I need it to steer Try pullin out all the wires Try stuffin' cheese in the cracks Try dynamitin' the tank Smash all the glass with an ax Do you have any grease? Pour it over the seats What did you do to my car? What did you do to my car? What did you do to my car? What did you do to my car? Well we took it apart But we can't make it start We wanna go for a ride Let's push it over the hill We wanna go for a ride Let's push it over the hill Better not gt inside 'Cause she's startin' to slide "I Was Wrong" (Bley) Well I used to think this talk of spaceships Was just so much hype I really believed there was nothing out there Except the Stars and the Stripes I mean the scientists said they found out that There was nothing there on Mars So as far as I was concerned it was just The name of a candy bar I'm one of those kind of people Who need proof before they believe Close Encounters left me cold And Star Trek seemed naive When it came to UFO's I was of the scientific school Little green men with pointed heads Were for little kids and fools But I was wrong I was wrong I was real wrong I was wrong All along I was so wrong The people who believed that stuff Were always kind of odd I mean you might as well go all the way And believe in Jesus and God I knew I had the kind of mind That wasn't easily satisfied And besides I had enough problems on earth To keep me occupied And then one night I was standing Looking at the stars And I heard something that sounded like A hundred space guitars The music was so weird it could have been the theme from Jaws Then I saw something flying over my head I thought it was Santa Claus But I was wrong I was wrong I was real wrong I was wrong All along I was so wrong "Siam" (Bley) Here's another song about a place near Hong Kong They got lots of opium and Lapsang Southong Siam, Siam All the fancy pussycats come from this area Also got a lot of animals that scare ya Siam, Siam Python legs are poached in slimy toad saliva After eating that I'm lucky I'm aliva I am, yes I am Ask the King if you can stay to sample cuisine Maybe he will even let you dine with the Queen Siam, Siam Nicest little place i live in since Budapest If you think that I'm in love, you're right, I confess I am, I am, yes I am, with Siam I am, I am, yes I am, with Siam "Hot River" (Bley) Do you long to cavort? Here's a new water sport That you ought to try It's a Fahrenheit dream Hot and covered with steam You won't be bored Do you want to get wet? Are you starting to sweat? Slip over the side Now we're caught in a swell Here's where Heaven and Hell Start to collide It's slippery and slimy Reach over here and tie me I'm so warm I can hardly move Mother never told me I'd need someone to hold me But where I'm from the rivers are all cold It's a fisherman's dream Dinner's already steamed And ready to eat When you feel your resolve Is about to dissolve Then stop for a treat In a river of steam Nothing seems too obscene So let down your hair While you drift through a trough Slip your bathing suit off And really get clean You can do your laundry While your thoughts are wandering And you watch the passing swimmer's poach You don't need no Sterno In Dante's Inferno It's thermohydriatically controlled You can't stay in too long 'Cause the heat is too strong You're starting to slide Grab ahold of the rope Throw your soap in the boat Climb over the side We can come back for more When we start to get bored There's nothing as wild As a Hot River swim On the volcanic rim "Boo To You Too" (Bley) Just when we was startin' to play Someone yelled out take 'em away Then we heard 'em startin' to boo What did you do? What did you do? I reacted intelligently Here's my method, try it and see When somebody's runnin' you down You got to turn it around, turn it around So when they boo at me you know what I do? I tell 'em boo to you too, boo to you too Boo to you too, boo to you too I don't take it personally When somebody's booin' at me Makes no difference if the music is fine I never pay it no mind, pay it no mind When you're tryin' something that's new You'll have people booin' at you When we hear 'em startin' to boo What do we do? What do we do? Well when they boo at us you know what we do? We tell 'em boo to you too, boo to you too Boo to you too, boo to you too Keep your chin up, play what you feel Music's always grand if it's real Even if they're cruel to you You got to do what you do, do what you do When they're ready to tear you apart Use your noodle adn try to be smart Don't just stand there takin' abuse You got to put it to use, put it to use You make 'em boo on cue, they say boo And you say boo to you too Boo to you too, boo to you too You make 'em boo on cue, they say boo And you say boo to you too Boo to you too, boo to you too Boo to you too, boo to you too Boo to you too, boo to you too "Do Ya?" (Bley) I try God knows I try It seems very clear to me, that I try But it's not clear to you, that I do You don't know what I mean, do ya? You don't know what I mean I mean I mean I try God knows that I mean to try I mean it seems so very clear to me, that I'm trying But it's not clear to you, what I'm trying to do You don't know what I mean, do ya? You don't know what I mean You're not trying God knows you probably mean to try I mean sometimes it even seems clear to me I mean sometimes it even seems clear to me that you're trying to try Is that clear? Do you know what I mean, what I'm trying to say You don't know what I mean, do ya? TYou don't know what I mean God knows I try "Wervin'" (Bley) Wervin', we're Wervin' Do you need a doctor? Swervin' and curvin' Are you pocket trained? Do you like to Werve? Do you have the nerve? Do you need a doctor when you start to swerve? Are you pocket trained Goin' 'round a curve? Can you Werve? Wervin', we're Wervin' Do you save the coupons? Swervin' and curvin' Can I borrow your suit? Can you Werve like a bird Or do you find it absurd? Did you come prepurd? Can I borrow your suit? Do you find it unnervin' Or pleasantly disturbin' Can you Werve? Wervin', we're Wervin' Do you have your 'chute? Swervin' and curvin' Does your mother know? Do you worry when you Werve? Are you scared when you swerve? Do you get what you deserve When you go around a curve? I can see your house Have you lost your nerve? Can you Werve? Werve Werve Werve "I'm A Mineralist" (Bley) Here's a shocking revelation for you voyeurs Such a heinous deviation, these are no clues I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist Just the thought of ironing gives me spasms of lust I creep up to old wrecked cars and lick off the rust I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist Mother used to try to metal in my affairs Keep your nose up off that grindstone, people will stare Get the lead out of your pants and change your underwear I've been stealing baby bottles since I was born I'll go blind from balling bearings, doctors have warned I like making out with steel-rimmed glasses more than horned Erik Satie gets my rocks off, Cage is a dream Phillip Glass is a Mineralist to the extreme I like tickling ivories and fingering stones When my mercury goes up I play with my bone Peole take for granite my perversion is wrong I'm not harming anyone by beating my gong I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist I'll make love to minerals as long as I can And in fifty years I'll be a jaded old man I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist I'm a Mineralist, I'm a Mineralist

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