From:    Usenet                                 
To:      All                                    Msg #125, Feb-05-93 07:26PM
Subject: Expanded Kalki FAQ (was: FAQ)

From: brinkman@si151a.llnl.gov
Message-ID: <1993Feb5.192646.1@si151a.llnl.gov>
Newsgroups: talk.origins


   In article  
system@kalki33.lakes.trenton.sc.us (Kalki Dasa) writes...

>Welcome to talk.origins.

   Welcome yourself oh febrile Kalkster.  If you get a moment, say "Hi"
to your tape worm, too.

> Frequently asked question: What is the purpose of this newsgroup?

  [Examples and followups provided coutesy of M.J. Brinkman.]

> talk.origins was created to help you:

> 1) Join a gang of imbeciles like yourself, find an idea you wish weren't
>    true and participate in heaping derision on it and on its supporters.

Example:  The most overworked "idea you wished weren't true" is the theory
        of evolution.  Take heart in knowing that every imbecile in
        talk.origins will help in the derision heaping on this one.

Followup: What if I can't find anyone as imbelic as myself?

        Don't be discouraged.  If you can't find anybody as imbecilic as
        yourself, feel free to make up your own stupid ideas and then use
        these to heap derision on other ideas.  For example, you could coin
        the phrase "conservation of information", and then act as if it
        really meant something.

> 2) Insult people from a distance, without fear that they will be able to
>    get hold of you and beat you up as you deserve.

Example:  Call anyone who disagree with you a demon.

Followup: What if they DO live close enough to "be able to get hold of you
        and beat you up as you deserve"?

        Don't worry, pretend the fight was your idea and make up excuses
        for not showing up to it.  This has worked exceedingly well for
        one Inimitable poster to talk.origins.

> 3) Express your own faulty opinions as if they were truths worthy of
>    consideration.

Example:  Tell people that reading your .sig is the best thing that ever
        happened to them.

Followup: If I tell someone that "reading my .sig is the best thing that
        ever happened to you", doesn't that make me look like I have the
        I.Q. of a cucumber?

        Yes.

> 4) Boast of your own prowess, without ever actually having to
>    demonstrate it.

Example:  I have a direct access hotline to the Deity.

Followup: What if I don't have the hubris to make such an absurd claim?

        If you can't muster this degree of hubris, a poor second place goes
        to throwing around words like "information theory" without having
        the merest glimpse of a clue as to what those words mean.

> 5) Complain about your enemies to no one in particular and for no purpose.

Example:  Whine and whine and whine and whine and whine about how people keep
        sending you such mean and nasty e-mail.

Followup: Is there any way to make this whining look even more petulant?

        Sure.  Publically post a message saying "I'm not going to respond
        to e-mail from .  You are just such
        a nasty person."  Repeat whenever you feel like it.

> 6) Grow more and more cynical and bitter daily as you find that certain
>    individuals refuse to be cowed by your contempt of them.

Example:  Post a bogus FAQ file which displays the great depth of your
        pyschosis.

Followup: But isn't that what you're doing?  (This last just to save Kalkster
        the cheap shot.)

        No.  I'm expanding a bogus FAQ file, which displays the great
        depth of its poster's psychosis, in such a manner as to make it
        actually share some touchstone with reality as humans living on
        the planet Earth know it.

> 7) Really get back at your parents by using language that will make them
>    ashamed they ever brought such an ignorant, ill-mannered lout into
>    the world.

Example:  When you insult someone use some pre-school antics like including
        barnyard noises in your posts--chicken noises are best.  "Fowl"*
        words demonstrate that you never progressed mentally past about
        age four, which will cause your parents much greater embarrassment
        than the use of "foul" words.

Followup: But I want to REALLY REALLY REALLY get back at my parents.  What
        should I do?

        Tell them you have become a Hare Krishna.**

> Sincerely,
>Kalki "this means you" Dasa

* Excuse my use of an exceedingly bad pun.

** Yes, this remark is uncalled for.

--
Matt "I Couldn't Resist" Brinkman