Chris Heiny
May-27-93 06:17AM
The t.o Theories FAQ
Organization: Xerox Corporation, Webster NY
From: chris@eso.mc.xerox.com (Chris Heiny)
Message-ID: <1993May27.141702.19840@spectrum.xerox.com>
Reply-To: chris@eso.mc.xerox.com
Newsgroups: talk.origins
There've been quite a few updates to the theories FAQ since I first
sent it a couple of months ago. Some are serious, some are spoofy.
At any rate, it's gotten quite large, and looks like it ought to be
sent again.
If you're favorite theory is missing, or incorrectly or inadequately
represented, or has been extended or modified since its inclusion,
please e-mail me (chris@eso.mc.xerox.com) with the info, and I'll
fold it into the FAQ.
At the moment, I'm particulalry interested in:
1) more info about the blind deaf cat
2) Jens Christensen's 10 alternative theories
3) a flame/abuse free summary of Ted's theories from Ted himself
4) a -theory- of creationism.
Chris
One of the t.o FAQs is: "Is the blurfl theory poster really serious?"
For those of you who have trouble telling which theories are real and
which are spoofs without benefit of smiley feces^H^H^H^Haces, here is
the t.o theories FAQ.
In the first part of this document, theories are listed in alphabetical
order: name, spoof/serious indicator, and a VERY brief summary. Note:
- summaries are NOT intended as definitive descriptions
of the specified theory!
- the serious/spoof categorization is not intended to
reflect the scientific/moral/actual veracity of the
theory, but whether the main proponent(s) of the theory
take it seriously or not.
In the second part of this document, theories are listed in alphabetic
order in a more expanded format. Each entry contains the name and
category of the theory, as in the summary section, plus a "Current"
field, indicating whether the theory is currently or was recently a
topic of discussion on talk.origins, a "More Info" field indicating
a person(s), FAQ or other source of further info (or some combination
of these), an "Updated" field, indicating the date the info on this
theory was last updated, and finally a "Description" field, which
are a few paragraphs attempting to describe the theory. Theories are
separated from one another by a row of 5 + signs.
To submit updates, comments and new theories, please email me at
chris@eso.mc.xerox.com
or
heiny.henr801c@xerox.com
If I'm missing your favorite theory, please let me know!
??? the Invisible Deaf Cat
spoof Details are needed on this theory.
Abrupt Appearances serious Creationism without mentioning God.
Abrupt Appearance of Pluto
spoof Pluto suddenly appeared not too long ago,
because we found it.
Creationism serious The Earth/Universe appeared out of nowhere
around 4004 BC - God did it. God also
did: the Noachian flood, fall of man,
and so on.
Credentialism spoof Whatever I say is true because I have
a) pieces of paper with impressive
writing on them, b) more pieces of
paper than you, c) pieces of paper that
more prestigious than yours, d) fewer
pieces of paper than you, e) no pieces
of paper at all, and f) any combination
of these.
Cretinism serious Everybody who doesn't believe your pet
theory suffers from this.
Darwinism serious See evolution.
Divinely Punctuated Equilibrium
spoof The first lifeform was created by God, was
fruitful and multiplied. Whenever some of
its descendants would diverge so far from
their root stock that they were threatening to
become another "kind", God would
immediately destroy these organisms with
divine (but invisible) wrath and then,
filled with wisdom and mercy, instantaneously
create another identical organism of this
new "kind" in exactly the same place.
Evel Knievel Addendum To The Saturn Myth
spoof Motorcycle dynamics as applied to planetary
motion.
Evolution serious Earth/Universe is old, physical processes
are uniformitarian. New species of living
things arise through natural and sexual
selection.
Flat Earth serious Earth is flat as a big pizza pie.
Flat Earth spoof Earth is flat as a big pizza pie.
Fluffy Earth spoof Earth was once the density of angel food
cake. Interplanetary catastrophes.
Freeze Dried Flood spoof A consistent flood model that agrees with
the geological and fossil evidence while
even accounting for Velikovsky's theories
and the Uranus myth.
Holdenism serious See Saturn Myth
Invisible Pink Unicorn spoof The Invisible Pink Unicorn created and
maintains the Universe.
Jumping Jupiter spoof What if 1 billion Jovians all jumped from
a chair at the same time?
Kalki-ism serious KRSNA Creationism.
Last Tuesdayism spoof Everything appeared out of nowhere last
Tuesday, including the evidence that
the Earth and the Universe is more than
7 days old.
Norse Creation Theory spoof The world as we see it is made up of the
fragments of the dead giant Ymir; his blood
forms the oceans, his shattered bones form
the mountains and rocks, the top of his skull
forms the sky above, and clouds are nothing
more mysterious than levitating fragments of
Ymir's brain. This theory actually makes
testable predictions, and is subject to
revision based on new evidence.
Once Hollow Earth spoof Earth was once hollow.
Panspermia serious See UFO Crap/Serious.
Reduced Felt Effect spoof God built the world out of recycled pool
table cloth He bought on sale.
Saturn Myth serious Earth orbited an 'electromagnetic star',
reduced felt effect of gravity, Kazmeier
vs. the Ultrasaurus, planetary & interplanetary
catastrophes, conspiracy of scientific
establishment to supress the truth.
Theistic Evolution serious God is involved in evolution to some degree.
Theistic Evolution spoof God is evolving. The early precambrian God was
quite primitive by our modern standards, and
has become more complex and diverse as time
passes.
Things are the way things are
spoof Things are the way they are because
that's how they are.
UFO Crap serious Life originated from organic molecules and/or
cells and/or more complex life forms from
outerspace.
UFO Crap spoof Life on earth resulted from a chunk of misplaced
celestial sewage.
Uranus Myth spoof Much like Saturn Myth, with some exceptions.
Uranus was a superconductor, which let Earth
orbit lower than gravity would have permitted.
Unlike many theories, documentory proof is
available via fax.
Velikovsky serious See Saturn Myth
+++++
Theory: name
Category: serious/spoof
Current: yes/no
Updated: today
More Info: Who/what
Description: text
+++++
Theory: Creationism
Category: serious
Current: yes
Updated: 27 May 1993
More Info: ???
Description:
No theory of creationism has been presented to date.
+++++
Theory: Evel Knievel Addendum To The Saturn Myth
Category: spoof
Current: no
Updated: 24 May 1993 17:05:34 GMT
More Info: chris@eso.mc.xerox.com
Description:
Well over a week ago, Ted made a reference equating the stability
of motorcycles on earth and the need for conservation of angular
momentum in planetary dynamics. I requested clarification from
him, but as usual, never received it. I am thus left to sort out
on my own just what he meant, and I think I have it.....
The Evel Knievel Addendum To The Saturn Myth
One of the most puzzling problems of the Saturn Myth is how
angular momentum was conserved in order to keep the Earth's
rotational axis pointed through its primary. Another problem
is how could the Earth have been so close to its primary so
as to cause the necessary reduced felt effect of gravity.
The clue to the answer lies in Saturn's ring system. The
rings of Saturn are mostly ice. One of the slipperiest
interfaces known is that between two wet ice cubes. The
south pole is covered with ice.
The answer is inescapable to even the most closed-minded
of uniformitarians:
Like Evel Knievel roaring around the Loop Of Death on his
superduty Vincent Black Shadow, the earth whirled around
Saturn on a solid ring of ice!! The North Pole was always
pointed directly at Saturn, and the South Pole rode upon
a gigantic torus of pure solid ice! The interface between the
Antarctic ice sheet and the Saturnine Ice Torus was
lubricated by a thin film of water melted by the pressure,
much like that beneath a hockey player's skates.
What happened to disturb this scenario? Venus of course!
As Venus whizzed about the solar system, it smashed
catestrophically into the Saturnine Ice Torus. A portion
of the Ice Torus fell to earth, melting in the atmospher
upon reentry and causing a Global Flood. Most of the
rest broke up to form the currently observed ring system,
while a few fragments were ejected into solar orbit
to become comets. The Earth, deprived of the support of
the S.I.T. went zooming uncontrollably across the
solar system, in much the same was Evel Knievel would have
if you had removed a chunk of track from the Loop of Death.
This addendum should be acceptable to all concerned:
1) minimum involvement of electromagenetism
while it
2) still supports the Saturn myth.
+++++
Theory: Fluffy Earth Science
Category: spoof
Current: no
Updated: 13-Feb-93 19:06:02
More Info: chris@eso.mc.xerox.com
Description:
I would like to put forth a NEW nonUniformitarian theory, which will
REVOLUTIONIZE geological science, SCANDALIZE the establishment, and
win the NOBEL PRIZE for its inventor: ME!
This theory is Fluffy Earth Science. It completely supersedes all
existing OBSOLETE theories propounded by the Scientific Establishment
(this includes New & Old Earth Creationism, Big Bang, The Once Hollow
Earth Theory, Holdenistics, Kalkian Dogmatics, and Evolution) and
answers ALL QUESTIONS (including: where did I leave my car keys last
Tuesday?).
The Fluffy Earth Theory is AS FOLLOWS:
The Earth As Originally Formed was the density of cheap angels' food
cake. Since cheap angels' food cake has a density about equivalent
to that of water (I have EMPIRICALLY tested this by dropping crumbs
from a co-worker's birthday cake into a glass of flat Dr. Pepper -
some of them floated, and some didn't. Thus the average density is
equal to that of H20), this means the Earth As Originally Formed had
a density roughly equal to that of water. Since the Earth As It Exists
Now has density roughly 5.5 times that of water, I calculate the
diameter of the Fluffy Earth as 20,181 miles (give or take a few).
No, I'm not going to type my calculations. I don't want to.
Since the Fluffy Earth was much larger, the surface was much father
from the center, and THIS resulted in a REDUCED FELT EFFECT OF
GRAVITY!! which permitted gigantic creatures such as the ultrasaurus,
pterandon, and kazmeieria to evolve. The soft-as-silk
composition of the surface also explains why these creatures made
DEEP FOOTPRINTS, which would be consistent with their weight
in the Gravitic Field of the Earth As It Currently Exists, even
though they could not have existed in such a Gravitic Gradient,
since they would have inexorably sunken deeper and deeper into
the Fluffy Earth.
The SURFACE of the Fluffy Earth was substantially closer to the
moon, which accounts for why ancient calendars were SO DIFFERENT
than the modern ones.
Then, about 6000 years ago, a GIANT METEROID, not unlike the
Tunguska Event of 1903, struck the Fluffy Earth. This caused
HUGE SHOCK waves to ripple throughout the angels' food cake density
structure of the Fluffy Earth, which then proceeded to collapse.
I have EXPERIMENTALLY verified this by dropping objects into a
half baked angels' food cake, starting with bb's and working my
way up. A baseball is what caused the experimental cake to
collapse. What object relative to the size of the Fluffy Earth
corresponds to the baseball/cake ratio? THE MOON, and THE MOON
alone.
It is blindingly obvious. The MOON smashed into the Fluffy
Earth, and induced it to Collapse to its present diameter!!! In
keeping with both the angels' food cake model, and modern theological
theories, this is known as THE FALL.
Further, the MOON smashed not only INTO the Fluffy Earth, but continued
on out THE OTHER SIDE!!! What evidence do we have of this?
Underground hydrocarbons, of course! Covered with trillions of
barrels of unrefined hydrocarbons, the Moon was like a celestial
Gaylord Perry greaseball - moving fast, but who knows where it was
going? As it plowed through the Fluffy Earth, it shed this outer
layer of hydrocarbons, which formed the hydrocarbon deposits we
see today: Saudi Light crude oil, Pennsylvania coal, and Brylcreem,
to name just a few.
Obviously the Fall must have been a sudden event - otherwise,
we would have had records of it. No records of a slow collapse
have been found in any ancient writings uncovered to date -
a fact that unassailably supports this. In fact, the Fall
of the Fluffy Earth was so fast that billions of creatures were
caught up in it. As the Fluffy Earth fell to its current
diameter, there was a substantial reduction in its surface area.
Many creatures escaped, but BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of them
did not. Sucked down in the maelstrom of their collapsing
planet like walnuts being stirred into a brownie mix, these
helpless creatures became the FOSSILS we dig up today to keep
paleontologists off the streets and out of trouble. Well
at least off the streets.
Mountains were thrust up and ocean basins formed as the smooth
surface of the Fluffy Earth was convulsed by the Fall.
There you have it. THE ONE THEORY that will SATISIFY all
concerned parties:
Theistics - it's got ANGELS in the angels food cake,
a scientific explanation for the Fall,
and no mention whatsoever of evolution
Catastrophists - not just a near miss, but a REAL
collision! Let's see Velikovsky top that!!
Ted - Reduced felt effect of gravity, ultrasuarus
and all that stuff. Plus some typos.
Hollow Earthists - the soft-as-silk Fluffy Earth
contained not one cavity, but trillions!
You could cut it with an Archeopteryx feather!
Evolutionists - who cares whether they're satisfied?
The Fluffy Earth Theory SMASHES their pathetic
conspiracy once and for all, and exposes their
fallacious beliefs for all to see, like the
center of a squashed bundt cake. I did
include Dr. Pepper, tho, as a gesture of good will.
MY CREDENTIALS: I have a BS in Computer Science from
Michigan Technological University (you can always tell a good
school by how many letters are in its name. Bad schools
keep their names short so the students can spell them (f'rinstance
Harvard. Yale. Oxford.)), but I did take lots and lots of
geology courses too. I've got a bunch of books at home,
including the Betty Crocker Cake Cookbook. I'm an ordained
minister in the Church of Gospel Ministry. I used to pitch
in Little League and Thursday night D-League Softball. I also
change the oil in both my car and my wife's. Thus I am
qualified as expert, or at least knowing enough about, just
about every aspect of Fluffy Earth Science.
Well, that's the Fluffy Earth Science in a nutcase, uh, I mean
nutshell. Please feel free to post calcuations and ideas that
will help me refine the Fluffy Earth Science (since it's
obviously a FACT and not just a THEORY). If you're some sort
of deluded evolutionist, well just keep your mouth shut and
spend your time looking for a new job. You'll all be out of
work in 12 months - once the Fluffy Earth Science is published!
+++++
Theory: Freeze Dried Flood
Category: spoof
Current: no
Updated: 26-Apr-93 14:50:42
More Info: Trygve Lode
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