Jason Rosendale
Noah's Ark

  I just checked out one of the most.. bizarre books from the High School
library.  It's 'In Search of Noah's Ark' (Soon to be a major motion picture)
by Charles E. Sellier.  I just thought everyone would like an analysis of the
'stunning photographic proof' contained inside.

Picture 1 - A female clay doll.  Found in 'flood-laid' sedimentary deposists
in Idaho.  The caption states that either advanced civilization had been
living in Idaho, or it the doll had been washed there by a flood - no, THE
flood.

Picture 2 - A picture of a crocodile fossil from Germany.  Sez that only
rapid flooding could have saved the fossil.  And hey, it IS a crocodile.  I'm
sure that proves something.

Picture 3 - An artist's reconstruction of what the ark's construction would
have looked like.  The picture shows over two hundred people working on ark
of epic proportions; over four stories high, about 300 yards long, and about
50 yards wide. 

Picture 4- A battleship.  It's supposed to have design specs pretty close to
the ark's.  

Pictures 5-8 - My GOD!!  It's a picture of NOAH!!  Oh, wait.  It's just
scenes from the upcoming Sure To Be A Blockbuster movie.  In one picture,
BTW, he's kissing a chimp.  Hmm.

Picture 9 - Picture of Robert 'Believe it or Not' Ripley, who 'found the
authentic tomb of Noah'.   It's obviously a sacred spot, says the caption,
because there are a lot of shawls on the furniture.  Also says that 'Ripley
has never been proved [sic] wrong'.

Picture 10 - Picture of Ripley next to an anchor.  Proof it was Noah's : "Who
else would have an anchor on a mountain?"

Picture 11-16 - My GOD!!  It's more pictures of NOAH!!  Oh, wait.  More
footage from the upcoming film that You Must See, Or May God Damn You To
Hell.

Picture 17 - Pictures of wood.  I think.  It's rather blurry. It could be
some sticks..  Or maybe it's just shadows.  Who cares, we all know that it's
Noah's Ark, right?

Picture 18-21 - Startling reinactment of a man pulling a piece of wood out of
a hole.  Then, he polished, squared, and hewed it and put it in a museum
dedicated to Ark-related things. 

Picture 22-23 - Real-life, honest-to-Goat, authentic models of what the ark
could have looked like. 

Picture 24-28 - Satellite photos and pictures of mountains, with little
arrows pointing to random spots with the words 'ark' next to them.  I can't
see anything unusual, except for those huge damned arrows all over the
mountains.  Seems like someone would go dig one of THOSE up.  THAT would be a
major find.

Picture 29 - Last picture.  Question : Could Noah's ark stand up to that kind
of flood?  Answer : Yes.  See?  We've put a chunk of wood in a pool, made
some waves, and it is still floating.  

Also, the first chapter proves that the Bible is accurate.  It's an amazing
book.  I'm glad the library had two; otherwise, I might feel guilty about
stealing this one. Haha!