Dear Brothers and Sistahs at File 18,
     This is an article from the Deep Southern Chicken-Fried
Baptist Church #18 newsletter that Ah wrote. Now, this'll be
perfect for your paper, to let all them there good cops know
just how to spot a Satanist.  Hope you find this edifyin'...

How To Spot a Satanist!!!!!!!
by the Highly Reverend Jethro Schmumpsteads
Deep Southern Chicken-Fried Baptist Church #18
Weedpatch, Alabama

HallelUUUUUUUyah, bruthas an' sistahs! As Pastor of the Deep
Southern Chicken-Fried Baptist Church in the heart of
Weedpatch, Alabama, I have been asked by a whole buncha
people...Brother Jethro, how do you spot a Satanist?
Well, I'll tell you all about it.  A Satanist usually
doesn't drive a pickup truck with gun racks and an American
or a Rebel Flag on his bumper.  A Satanist usually doesn't
go to church, although between you and me, that there Deep
Southern Chicken-Fried Baptist Church #17 down the street is
FULL O' THEM!!!  And there ain't no Satanists in MY Church,
No-how!  Here are a few infallable clues:

1.) Any person who doesn't believe in Jesus is obviously a
Satanist.

2.) Anyone who doesn't want our little children to get down
on their little knees and PRAY in school, or doesn't like
nativity scenes in front of City Hall, or doesn't want me to
give the invocation at Weedpatch High School's Football
Games, or any of that other Atheist bull, is a Satanist.

4.) Anyone with an automatic teller card is a Satanist.

5.) Anyone who drives a dang Furrin car, or likes them baby
vegetables, or water with funny names they put in little
bottles, or goes to any of them there movies where people
talk funny and they put those dang words on the bottom has
GOT to be a Satanist.

6.) Anyone who listens to Race Music...ah mean Rock Music,
is a Satanist fer sure.  Sure, I know that they talk about
adultery and alcohol and all that kinda stuff in good ol'
COUNTRY music, but they never say that kinda stuff is GOOD!
Not like those dang Satanic rock songs.

7.) Anyone who believes in the separation of Church and
State is obviously a secular humanist.  And ev'ry good
Christian knows that secular humanists are really Satanists,
right?

8.) Anyone who believes that any of those dang minorities
(ah mean Niggers, Kikes, Spics, Injuns, and Towelheads, for
starters) should get the same treatment as whites, is
obviously a Satanist. An' anyone who thinks them Fag &
Lezzie preverts should be allowed to do what they do is not
only a Satanist, but a PREVERT TO BOOT!!!

9.) An' THE OCCULT! Even a little interest in THAT is a sign
of a Satanist!  Even Nancy Reagan is a Satanist, because she
listens to one of those Satanic astrologers.

10.) Anyone who thinks that a woman's place isn't
necessarily in the home havin' babies an' pleasin' her man
is definately a Satanist.

11.) Anyone that thinks sex is fun, and not just for makin'
babies, is a Satanist.

12.) An' lastly, anyone who thinks for themselves an'
doesn't let their preacher tell 'em what they should and
shouldn't do, like the Bible says they should, is ABSOLUTELY
a Satanist.

Some'll tell you that anyone who drinks a lot of soda pop
and is a little overweight is a Satanist.  Now that's Hooey!
I drink lots of Dixie Cola and ahve got a lil' ole spare
tire, and I aint a Satanist.  But these are ways you can
spot 'em.  An' when you do spot 'em, take 'em to me, and
I'll show them the True Way.  An' if they don't lissen up,
I'll put buckshot in their pants, ah mean it!

Well, ah hope you liked that there article.  And when your'e
down in Weedpatch, come on down and we'll give you some of
our Southern hospitality, y'hear?
Yours in Jesus,
Rev. Jethro Schmumpsteads