My  writing ability is bad.   I put off telling my conversion  to 
Buddhism,  but  now respond to those who feel my experience  will 
help  others.   To minimize rambling,  I need a  structure.   The 
structure  will be the Five Conditional Steps to Shinjin found in 
the Seiten on page 310. 
 
The first step is "The culmination of related past conditions and 
circumstances  leading one to the Dharma".   I was born in  South 
Carolina,  raised  on a farm and isolated from the city kids  and 
social interaction.  I learned Southern attitudes and prejudices.  
While  the South has a long way to go,  it has improved  greatly.  
It still beats Los Angeles hands down. In 1965 I left for college 
at  the University of Hawaii.   When I spoke the  first  question 
people asked was "Where are you from?".   I answered,  "Sow Care-
oh-line-uh".  The next question was "Are you prejudiced?".  I was 
very far from home.

Though I had many temples available in Hawaii to attend,  I never 
did.   The  conditions/circumstances/causes were not  ripe.   The 
seed  was sowed when I found a book about Indian Buddhism in  the 
school  library.   I had rejected Christianity in high school and 
between the lines of Sanskrit in Coomaraswamy's book,  I found  a 
philosophy.   The  principles (like Four Noble Truths,  Eightfold 
Noble  Path) were more relavent to life as I experienced  it.   I 
soon  found  frustration  in trying to live  according  to  these 
ideas.  My human failings seemed insurmountable.  I knew the way, 
but  had  guilt  when  I could not  walk  it.   I  tried  several 
disciplines after college,  yoga, meditation, Silva Mind Control.  
All these things have value and did help me.  For instance, after 
being  dominated by jealousy for many years,  I finally  overcame 
it.   Jealousy  moved  me  to violence and  contemplating  murder 
(which my hunting background provided the skills and  equipment).  
Perhaps  I was just worn down and tired of fighting the jealousy, 
but one day I realized it was gone.   Not like when you vow to go 
on  a  diet,  and  it lasts for a day.   It  just  didn't  happen 
anymore.   This left a lot of room,  time, and energy for further 
development.   This  was one passion out of 108 and took  me  ten 
years.

When  I  moved to Sacramento,  I came to the bazaar to  get  some 
sushi,  a desire cultivated in Hawaii.   I also was interested in 
the cultural events and the explanation of Buddhism.   I decided 
to attend service.   After service one day,  a lady came up to me 
and  said she was Molly Kimura and was glad to see a non-Japanese 
at  service.   She was leaving the next week for her first  China 
Buddhist  Cultural tour.   She wondered if I would like  to  come 
over  to see the slides of temples,  relics,  and places when she 
returned.  I have always wanted to go to China, and of course was 
interested in Buddhism,  so I said "Yes".   As we  parted,  Molly 
turned  and  said  "OH,  by  the way,  I also  do  some  Buddhist 
counseling".   I now know this "by the way" was the whole purpose 
of  her talking to me.   When asked by yoga students,  "How do  I 
find  the  teacher right for  me?",  many  masters  reply,  "Just 
continue your search, your teacher will find YOU."  Educators say
a person cannot learn until he is ready.   



I  was now ready and my teacher had just found me.   This is  the 
second step to Shinjin, "A good teacher of the Dharma".  

I  was skeptical,  wondering "How much is this lady going to  try 
and  charge me for this counseling?"  Next week I talked to Mieko 
and  John Kono at adult Dharma class.   I told Mieko about  Molly 
and  asked her if she charged.   Mieko assured me that Molly  was 
only concerned about helping people not charging them.   (I  have 
since  given up trying to repay all the Dharma friends for  their 
kindness  and support.   One lifetime is not enough and one human 
does not have the ability).  

I went to see the slides and made an appointment for counseling.   
Receiving  "The  light of Amida Buddha" is the third  step.   The 
weight  of  ones  Karma  determines the  counseling  process  and 
individual reactions.   The form of the reaction is not important. 
(I was humbled into this realization by Rev William Masuda  after 
witnessing  someone  recite Nembutsu for almost 2 hours--he  just 
asked  me why I was impressed by the form instead of the  source)  
During counseling with Molly one day,  I felt the Light of Amida.  
I  literally felt "light" or "floaty"--you know,  like  when  you 
have  just  met  the one person right for you.   I  realized  the 
fourth step, "Faith or 'Shinjin'", as a gift from Amida.

The  fifth  step,  "Amidas name" or Na Mu A Mi Da Bu  Tsu,  often 
comes  out  spontaneously a direct link between  you  and  Amida.  
Amida  was gentle with me--it was all internal.   I left  feeling 
light.   For  the rest of the day and until I went to sleep  that 
night,  Na  Mu A Mi Da Bu Tsu was in my head.   Not like  I  was 
"Thinking " about it,  it just came at various times.  I would be 
watching  TV  and realize there was no comprehension  because  my 
head  was filled with Nembutsu.   Over and  over,  NAMUAMIDABUTSU 
NAMUAMIDABUTSUNAMUAMIDABUTSUNAMUAMIDABUTSUNAMUAMIDABUTSU.       I 
could  not consciously stop it for any length of time,  nor did I 
want  to because it brought a sense of meditative peace with  it.  
This Nembutsu was different--it was not of my doing.  It can't be 
scientifically proven,  but I know it came from Amida.  It wasn't 
"talking  to myself" or "remembering" or any  other  psychological 
event.   This  was  the experiential gift of Shinjin  from  Amida 
Buddha.    This  was  the  assurance  of  non-retrogression,  the 
knowledge that though I must continue to live out my Karma,  I am 
on the right path to the Pure Land.  

Jodoshinshu  talks  about benefits of Shinjin in this  life.  The 
biggest thing I notice in my life since conversion is the ability 
to step aside and see my true self.  When I can see my true self, 
I don't create as much negative Karma as before.  Shinjin doesn't 
turn  you into a Buddha or Bodhisattva--you are still  the  same, 
yet you see it,  and seeing it can stop negative participation in 
your Karma.   For instance,  when I start to get mad, the feeling 
still comes,  but somewhere between the feeling and the action, I 
mentally  "step  aside" and say "Wow,  just look  at  your  human 
self--there you go again."  In this mental pause, the action does 
not come.  It is now interesting to watch my Karma unfold, in the 
knowledge  that  things are always as they must be.   Things  not 
only must be as they are, it is right.

So  now  I  continue  to  nurture  my  Shinjin  at  the   various 
conferences,  at  Molly's monthly gathering for Dharma discussion 
(zadankai), and by reading with new insight.

Most  of the above is my experience,  but what follows  is  taken 
from  Christmas Humphreys and says in a different way what I have 
been trying to say:

"Buddhist conversion is the dispersal of an illusion".   It "is a 
turning"--"towards   a  light  by  which  the  darkness  of   the 
Unconscious  is  illuminated  to  a  greater  awareness.   It  is 
primarily  concerned with a revelation of the more True than  the 
more Good, with greater wisdom rather than with greater morality.  
Hence there is much, at the moment of conversion, of 'Now I see,' 
or 'Now the way is clear to me';  there is little if anything  of 
'Now  I will abandon the sins of the flesh and develop the nobler 
virtues'."   "...it is a reorientation of the whole man to a  new 
purpose  from a new point of view.   The same things are seen but 
henceforth they are seen differently.  The cause of the change is 
the  release  of a new force in the mind,  and the  release  only 
comes  when  pressure has been deliberately built up to  a  point 
where  something  must give way."  "'Everyone carries  a  shadow, 
says  Dr  Jung,..So  long  as it is repressed  and  isolated  the 
'shadow' is liable to burst forth in moments of  unawareness,  to 
the  embarassment  of the mind concerned and the bewilderment  of 
his  friends."   Unaware  of his  true  self,  "..the  individual 
projects  the contents of his mind onto outside  forces,  people, 
and  things."  Awareness is realizing .."all that we are  is  the 
result  of what we have thought,  and no man is to blame for what 
we are,  or think,  or feel,  or do, but we ourselves who made  us 
so."The  moment  of  conversion  may  be in  truth  a  series  of 
movements which are the culmination of a long process of interior 
growth.   The  effect  may be sudden,  yet the cause may  be  the 
effect of a long period of effort."  "The conversion may come  at 
any   age...But   whenever  it  comes  it  is  indeed  a   second 
birth..there  is  an awareness  of  expansion,  of  serenity,  of 
certainty  as  to the Goal and the way to it."  We must  sometime 
"choose  between bliss and the service of our  fellow  man.  Why?  
The  answer  is  clear.   'Now bend thy head and  listen  well  O 
Bodhisattva--Compassion  speaks and saith:   "Can there be  bliss 
when  all that lives must suffer:   Shalt thou be saved and  hear 
the whole world cry?'"