WOMBAT WICCCA LAWS

The Law was made and ardane about a week from last Wednesday.

The Law was made for the Wiccca, in order that they should develop a nice
   longhand style from copying it.

The Wiccca should give due worship to the Gozd, presuming that they believe
   the Gozd exist and aren't just metaphors; and obey their Will, which the
   HPS of the Coven will make up as she goes along, for it was made for the
   puspose of ego-tripping and wild parties.

The worship of the Wiccca is good for the owners of Occult Supply Stores,
   for the owners of Occult Supply Stores love the money of the Wiccca.

As a man loveth a woman using the missionary position, so the Wiccca should
   shaft their fellows and other total strangers frequently. And it is
   necessary that the Magick Circle, which is the principal difference
   between a Wicccan rite and a frat party, be case and all the Wiccca
   properly purified so they can drink five gallons of Ripple each and not
   throw up. (Editor's Note: Unfortunately, they have stopped making the
   popular Pagan Pink Ripple and have no plans to continue at this time.)

The HPS shall r/u/i/n/ rule her Coven as the local representative of the
   Goddess, and choose whomever she is sleeping with this week to be her HP
   ... or her Maiden.

And remember that the Wiccca would have it that the God Himself kissed Her
   feet and gave up the position of Ringmaster to Her because of Her
   arbitrariness and autocracy, Her spite and unreason, Her mysteriousness
   and ignorance; so the HP is expected to go as far away as possible and
   not even show up for Sabbats.

It is the greatest virtue of a HPS that she turn as many of her Covenors
   into closet Xtians as possible, for the true HPS realizes that anyone
   with the sense Goddess gave a goose is not going to stick around without
   having a death wish.

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In the Olden Days, when the Wiccca extended far, we were free and had
   reservations in all the best restaurants. But these days, we eat at
   McDonald's.

SO BE IT ARDANE, that none but the Wiccca shall ever be invited to dinner,
   for the people who ignore us are many, and if they ever found out what
   we are really up to, they would giggle.

SO BE IT ARDANE that no Coven shall know where the next Coven bide, nor who
   its members be, save anyone who looks in Circle Network News and the hit
   team we send out to sanction them.

SO BE IT ARDANE that no one shall tell anyone anything, least of all they
   fellows in the Kraft, for fear one of you will learn something; because
   as it is truly writ: "Gerald wrote it, I copied it, that settles it."

And if any break these Laws, they will have to start their own Tradition
   and make up their own Grandmother.

Let each HPS govern her Coven as she damn' well please, riding roughshod
   over the Covenors as long as they will stand for it.

But it must be recognized that sooner or later they will get mad and stop
   bringing the Ripple to Coven meetings. When this happens, it hath ever
   been the Old Law that the HPS will Elevate them to Third Degree and kick
   them out, and promise them the rest of the Book ... someday.

Anyone of any degree or none may found a Coven, provided that they think
   they can get away with it and can create a convincing Grandmother.

They may raid other Covens for members as long as no one knows where to
   find them.

But splitting the Coven oft means new opportinities for evading the
   consequences of your actions, so the wise HPS will think of it first.

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If you should keep a Black Book, let it be in your own hand of write,
   except for the parts you xerox out of Lady Sheba. Or better yet, tell
   everybody they're not yet of a high enough degree to see it.

Proclaim your Wicccahood loudly, and often; you may be able to do a brisk
   trade in spells, psychic fairs, and talk shows. If nobody believes you,
   try holding a public skyclad Circle. If all else fails, hire a press
   agent and advertise in the National Inquirer. If they try to make you
   talk of the Brotherhood, lay it on with a trowel. Ancient Atlantis is
   always good for a five-minute spot on the Six O'Clock News. Not all
   interviewers are bad; some may even flash your business address on the
   screen for a few seconds.

Fear not; the Brotherhood is not likely to notice anything you do, and if
   they do, they will say: "Well, we have no patent on the word `Witch' ...
   and who am I to say she's not honest and valid?"

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To avoid discovery, let your working tools be ordinary stuff such as any
   may have around the house: AR-15s, Patton Tanks, Howitzers (let's see
   how far we can stretch the First Amendment, gang!). Have no names or
   signs on anything, and remove the ones they came with, as otherwise this
   can lead to a charge of receiving stolen property.

Let the Pentacles be made of was unless something else is more convenient.

Have no sword, unless you are in the SCA or are a collector of WWII
   memorabilia.
@PA
Write the names and signs on a gummed label so that it can be peeled off
   immediately afterwards; remember that "Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity"
   is a valid defense in cases of this kind.

Ever remember that you are the Hidden Children of the Goddess; when you can
   take time out from karma dumping runs, psychic vendettas, banishing each
   other from the Coven, and discussing how much fun it would be to
   persecute the Xtians, remember never to do anything to disgrace Her. Or
   Them, if that's possible.

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In the Olden Days, when we had Power, we could use the Art against any who
   ill-treated us; but these days a whispering campaign works better.
   Remember always that there are a lot of flakey people out there, and for
   this reason it is best to give a fake name and a Pos Office Box address.
   Someone is always going to blame you for something.

SO BE IT ARDANE: HARM NONE, or at least have a good alibi. Never break this
   law, or people who get burned along with you will come after you with
   baseball bats, and you will never be able to score any decent hash
   again.

Always accept money for the use of the Art, but keep an eye on the Gypsy
  Laws. In some states, barter works better. All may use the Art for their
  own advantage; remember, quick and dirty works best, and you can lay off
  the Karma on the Coven. If that doesn't work, try dead cats in the
  mailbox.

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'Tis the Old Law and most important of all the Laws that no one may do
   anything that will endanger any of the Kraft. Unless there's money in
   it, or it's to someone you think deserves it, and anyway, "endanger" is
   in the eye of the beholder.

In any dispute between the Wiccca, no one may invoke any Law but that of
   the Kraft. However, you can break into your opponent's home and mess up
   their stuff ... after all, it says right here that they can't go to the
   police.

Never bargain or haggle when you buy for the Art; most Occult Store owners
   will just throw you out and everyone else will think you're a nut.

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Let the Kraft go out and buy a copy of Culpepper's Herbal and a PDR, and
   learn the names of all pharmaceuticals that will really send you on a
   bum trip. Keep another book with all the antidotes and the names of your
   suppliers and let only trustworthy people have this knowledge.

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@PA
It is ever the way with men and with women that they are rules by their
   glands. At any moment your HPS may run off and become a Rosicrucian. And
   the way of Resignation if this: if she doesn't answer her phone for two
   weeks and is never home when you drive by, you can declare her outcast
   from the Coven and take over the Coven yourself, with as many as will
   have you. But if she comes back, she will probably take over the Coven
   again, or start another one in the same building and declare you
   Invalid, and there's not much you can do about it. Learn to live with
   anxiety. Get everything in writing.

It hath bee found that two people sitting around with a bottle of Chianti
   discussing Atlantean Grandmothers will become fond of each other, if
   only because of the Stockholm Syndrome. Therefore let it be resolved
   that a human being shall be taught in the Kraft only by another human
   being, and screw the middle-class morality of the nineteen-fifties.

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And the Curses of the Mighty Ones be on all who try to take this seriously,
   or the Kraft seriously, or the Wiccca seriously. Caveat Lector, and May