Once Apun a Time

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader were having their light sabre fight. The
sounds of their weapons crashing against each other filled the walkways of
the Death Star. In the middle of their fight, the 2 warriors became locked in
an embrace. Darth turned to Luke and whispered in his ear "I know what you're
getting for Christmas.".

Luke was rather puzzled by this, but the fight soon resumed. Shortly, the 2
intrepid fighters became locked together again. Once again, Darth Vader
whispered to Luke "I know what you're getting for Christmas.".

Luke found this very bemusing, but with the powers of the Dark Side to fend
off, he had no time to ponder Vader's strange utterings. A few more minutes
went by and the 2 became entangled again. Darth moved toward Luke as if to
say something.

Luke had finally had enough. "Yeah, yeah", he said, "you know what I'm
getting for Christmas. How did you find out?"

Darth Vader paused for a moment, and then, in his most menacing voice, said
"I have felt your presents.".

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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the
work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of
hazlenuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daquiri made with hickory
nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took a
sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daquiri!".

"No, I'm sorry.", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daquiri, doc."

*************************************

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He
came across 2 men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other
was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man
reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest and writers cramp.

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10
different puns, in the hope that at least one of them would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring
dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a
wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

"It's very simple. You're two tents."

*************************************

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The
dentist examines him and says "That new upper plate I put in for you six
months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?".

"All I can think of is that about 4 months ago my wife made some asparagus
and put some stuff on it that was delicious ... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it
so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables,
everything."

"Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of
lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate.
I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?"

"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise!"