Subject: STTNG Parody: +quot;The Search for Spock's Brain+quot; Yet Another Star Trek: The

From: davidd@emperor.sjc.mentorg.com (Dave Dugan) Subject: STTNG Parody: "The Search for Spock's Brain" Yet Another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "Silver Nemesis" ( NO!, That was a Dr Who story ) THE REAL SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "The Search for Spock's Brain" Written by Dave Dugan Copiedright by Dave Dugan Shot of the the Enterprise bridge. WORF Captain, I'm getting an urgent message from Star Fleet command PICARD Put it on visual, Mr. Worf. A rather pompous looking Star Fleet Admiral appears on the view viewscreen. ADM DUNSEL Hello, Jean Luc. I am Admiral Dunsel. Riker smirks, Troi smiles, even Worf giggles. Picard looks stunned. DATA ( In a low voice to Picard ) Captain, I believe that "Dunsel" is Star Fleet Academy slang for a useless part. PICARD Quiet Data! Admiral, what is the nature of the emergency. DUNSEL We sent a special envoy named Spock to seek out new life and new civilizations and to boldly go where no one has gone before! He was supposed to make contact with a new civilization on the planet Remulak. Spock was also going to be involved in critical negotiations with the Romulan Empire. Unfortunatly, he has dissappeared. Or , at least part of him has dissappeared. PICARD Explain. DUNSEL We found his body alive and well on Taurus 9. But his brain is gone! WORF Hasn't this been done before? PICARD Mr. Data, maximum warp speed to Taurus 9. Dramatic music, followed by a commercial Then cut to opening credits ACT I Shot of the Enterprise moving at maximum warp. This makes an exciting backdrop for the Captain's Log voiceover. PICARD Captain's log stardate 2929.29. Star Fleet Special Envoy Spock is partly missing. We must recover his still alive body and find his brain. Without Spock's help, there could be interstellar war. Picard has called a staff meeting. The ship's senior staff is assembled in the briefing room. PICARD We are facing a serious crisis here. Comments anyone? RIKER I happen to think this is all a bunch of bull. Nothing EVER happens in the Taurus sector. PICARD Er .. yes. uh ... anymore comments? Useful comments would be appreciated. DATA Spock is the son of Ambassador Sarek. His brain has been stolen before in the Original Star Trek series (tm). LAFORGE Who stole his brain last time? DATA By a mentally regressive civilization. I believe they would be called scantly clad space bimbos. Riker looks eager. Troi then kicks him. DATA But I am puzzled ...... LAFORGE About what? DATA I had assumed that no original series characters were to be allowed on this show. RIKER Data, it'll raise the ratings! WORF Well, how do we find Spock's brain. Who else would want it? DATA We could assume that it would be used by some mental regressives to direct and run their civilization. It was used in this way by the space bimbos. WORF The Ferrengi! RIKER Even the Ferrengi aren't THAT stupid! It must be someone else. Picard's badge tweeks. He hits it O'BRIEN Captain, a Star Fleet Admiral is coming to us via shuttlecraft. He's supposed to help in the search for Spock's brain. PICARD That's unusual .... Coming by shuttlecraft?? I wonder who it could be? The desk viewer in front of Picard activates. A Federation banner appears, followed by the face of Admiral Dunsel. DUNSEL I am sending you Admiral McCoy. He once had Spock's Katra in him. So, Admr. McCoy's brain should be able to contact Spock's brain and he will be your homing pigeon. I've also sent an aid with him. Have you met Dr. Pulaski??? Picard looks horrified. Picard would rather be deprived of Earl Grey tea for life than deal with Dr. Pulaski again. PICARD Er. yes.( Picard forces a smile ) When will they arrive? DUNSEL In about 10 minutes you'll have 3 doctors aboard the Enterprise. DATA Wasn't that a Doctor Who episode? LAFORGE Data, you used a contraction again. Is something wrong? DATA Did I? ( shrugs ) Captain, I suggest we go to the shuttlecraft landing bay. TROI The admiral is already here. I can sense his unique minds. RIKER Minds? Are we talking about the royal we or the psychotic we? TROI He still has a little of Spock left in him. That is why he is here. They arrive in the shuttle bay in full dress uniforms. Admiral McCoy slowly steps out of the shuttlecraft, assisted by DR. Pulaski. McCoy starts speaking with a bit of southern accent. McCOY So y'all want me to find Spock. What am I supposed to do? TROI Spock will contact your mind since you once held his Katra. Then, Spock will communicate to us through you. McCOY Will he now? Now, you listen to me, young lady, I'm a doctor not a damn ham radio set!!! On that tense and dramatic note, cut to an Earl Grey tea commercial. Yet Another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "Silver Nemesis" ( NO!, That was a Dr Who story ) THE REAL SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "The Search for Spock's Brain" Written by Dave Dugan Copiedright by Dave Dugan ACT II Shot of Interior Shuttlebay. The Three Doctors are slowly walking away from the shuttlecraft. Another good place for a Captain's Log voiceover. PICARD Captain's log stardate 2929.33. We have arrived at Taurus 9 and have picked up Spock's body ( who is now comfortably resting in sickbay ) We must now depend on Admiral McCoy to find the whereabouts of Spock's brain and the rest of the plot. Cut to interior shot of Main Bridge. The 3 Doctors have just arrived via turbolift. McCoy faces towards the main viewer. He opens his mouth and Spock's voice comes out. SPOCK'S VOICE Can you hear me doctor? McCOY, PULASKI, CRUSHER ( all at once ) Who? McCOY I think he means me. Spock, why are you talking through my mouth? Are you trying to be funny? SPOCK'S VOICE That would never occur to me, doctor. However, your mouth is an execellent resonant cavity and loudspeaker. I believe your directional reception of my brain waves is similar to that of an old style ferrite radio antenna. McCOY What does that mean in plain non-Vulcan English? SPOCK'S VOICE If you face towards the direction of my signal, your reception will be strongest. If you face perpendicular to my signal, your reception will be the weakest. I will send you a steady tone. As McCoy opens his mouth, a steady 5000 Hz tone comes out. Data slowly turns the Admiral and notes the changes in the tone loudness. McCoy looks digusted with the whole procedure. DATA The correct course towards Spock's brain is 29 29 mark 29. Dr. Crusher leaves the bridge. McCoy sits down and Dr. Pulaski remains. PICARD Set a course in that direction, Data. Mr. LaForge I want maximum warp, now! LAFORGE ( Over speaker ) You've got it! But I should warn you.... PICARD About what? LAFORGE ( Over speaker ) The Enterprise's 4 year warranty expires in two days. It could mean trouble. PICARD I'll talk to StarFleet about that. Picard out. Mr. Data, engage. ( Does Johnny Carson golf club swinging bit ) PULASKI ( To Picard ) Nice to see you again, Captain Picard. PICARD ( Stiffly ) The feeling is not mutual, doctor! PULASKI ( Questioning look ) And why not? PICARD Because it's a bloody nuisance having you around! You always interfere with ....... He is interrupted by Worf. WORF Captain. Long range sensors have picked a large, strange object. DATA ( to Picard, Pulaski )But please continue the petty bickering. It was most interesting. Cut to shot of main viewer. The object looks like an intricate crystaline mineral. Parts of it glow with sporadic flashes of light. DATA It is the Great Crystal Entity that destroyed all life on the planet where I was constructed. RIKER But what is it? TROI I can sense nothing from it. McCOY Young lady, you couldn't sense tabasco sauce on red hot chilli peppers! DATA It is a silicon based life form... with an outer shell of silca and various silicates. Inside, it is silicones reinforced with silicates. PICARD But we have had peaceful dealings with silicon based life forms in the past. DATA Including the Horta in the original series. Did you know that the Horta have taken up gardening? PICARD Oh, really? ( looks interested ) DATA Of course. That is why it is called Hortaculture. Groans from the rest of the bridge crew. DATA Sorry. I have been trying out my humor on the holodeck, again. RIKER ( with grin ) Mr. Data, please keep your day job. PICARD Agreed. ( straightens his uniform ) Anymore about the entity? DATA The Crystal Entity is best described as living rock. WORF Captain! There is ANOTHER Crystal Entity behind us. Closing at high warp speed. PICARD What is it's destructive capability? As Picard says this, the Enterprise is hit by bolt from the entity in front of the ship. The bridge is shaken by the attack and Worf stubs his toe. PICARD Damage assement? WORF Shields are down to 60% of full strength and I have stubbed my toe! PULASKI A Klingon warrior would not complain about a stubbed toe. WORF But that's my line! The creature from behind us is also attacking. Another bolt hits the Enterprise. The interior lighting dims slightly. And another bolt hits. The bridge shakes some more. WORF Shield power down to 25%. The shields will not withstand another attack! Yet another bolt hits the ship. WORF Shields are out! LAFORGE'S VOICE LaForge from engineering. Warp power is out. Impulse engines are damaged! PICARD Suggestions? And please don't say "surrender". DATA We are caught between two silicon based life forms. Two living rocks. I would say we were caught between a rock and a hard place. Groans from the bridge crew. Cut to commercial. PLACE COMMERCIAL HERE Cut to shot of chessboard and close ups of the chess pieces. ANNOUNCER In past, the Franklin Mint has given you The Star Trek Chess set, the Civil War chess set, all in fine pewter. Now, celebrating 25 years of Star Trek, the Franklin Mint proudly presents the KLINGON CIVIL WAR CHESS SET! Each piece is in finely crafted silver plated pewter, with amazingly fine detail. For the pro Federation Klingons we have Gowron as the king. Worf and Kern are the rooks. ( Closeup of these pieces as they are mentioned ) ANNOUNCER Notice the exquisite detail in Worf's sash, Gowron's bug eyes. For the anti Federation Klingons, we have ALL of Duras' sisters as the queen. And Duras' bastard son is the king. The pieces will arrive every other month, with the incredibly low price of $99.99. If you buy this fine set we guarentee you won't get rooked! Dilithium chessboard not included. Void where prohibited by law. Yet Another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "Silver Nemesis" ( NO!, That was a Dr Who story ) THE REAL SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "The Search for Spock's Brain" Written by Dave Dugan Copiedright by Dave Dugan ACT III The Enterprise is caught between 2 mean Crystal Entities. Her shields are down and things do not look promising. PICARD Picard to engineering! How long before warp drive is restored? LAFORGE It should be working NOW. But those creatures must have some general energy dampening field. McCOY Believe me, every menace has those energy dampening whatevers! PICARD What can we do about the Crystal Entities? LAFORGE Hope the writers find some way out of this mess! RIKER Well, what are our options? Do we have any? McCOY It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings, son. McCoy's mouth opens, with Spock's voice coming out. SPOCK'S VOICE An excellent idea, doctor. We will use sympathetic vibrations to shatter those crystals. McCOY I don't care how sympathetic they are! Spock, even I know that sound can't travel in the vacuum of space! SPOCK'S VOICE You will sing a note and that will be used to modulate conventional radio waves. The waves will be beamed at the creatures. Those crystals have electrically conducting parts that will respond to the waves. At the resonance frequency, the crystals will shatter. DATA Just like Ella Fitzgerald in the old tape commercials. McCOY Spock, how can this work? I'm a doctor, not a prima donna!! SPOCK'S VOICE I would dispute that. Just sing the highest note you can. I will help you. PICARD Mr. Worf. Prepare to broadcast conventional radio signals to the Crystal Entities. Admiral, prepare to sing. Comments? DATA The Admiral's singing could do considerable damage to the bridge and to our artistic sensibilities. TROI Not to mention our ears. McCOY Would you rather hear Shatner sing? Everyone is silent. McCOY Good. Ready when you are. McCoy opens his mouth and a high pitched tone comes out. The Bridge starts vibrating, Picard's cup of tea shatters. And on the viewscreen, the Crystal Entities are shaking apart. Soon there is nothing left of the crystals but rubble. Amazingly enough, the Enterprise Bridge is in one piece. DATA Was it live or was it Memorex? RIKER Data ..... DATA Yes, sir. Hold on to my day job. LAFORGE LaForge to Bridge. PICARD Picard here. LAFORGE We have warp drive back. Shields are at 100%. But the bad news is every single wine bottle in ship's stores is shattered! PICARD Number One, be sure that we stop at the Gallo system on the way back and pick up some real wine. RIKER Will do. Geordi, give us maximum warp to Spock's brain! LAFORGE You've got it. The Enterprise goes into warp drive with the usual flashy special effects. After some time they are in a region of space with few planets or stars. RIKER A stellar desert. It conjures up pictures of palm trees, mirages.... SPOCK' VOICE I believe I have been here before. WORF A planet is up ahead. This is strange! It has a poisonous atmosphere except for a region with oxygen and nitrogen around an 18th century castle. There is a flash of light. A man wearing a Napoleonic era uniform is on the bridge. TRELANE You still don't display your weapons? Greetings and felicitations! RIKER Q!!! What do you want from us? TRELANE Q who? DATA No. That was another episode! PICARD Don't play games with me!!! You must be Q! McCOY That isn't Q! That's Trelayne, the Squire of Gothos. He's also a spoiled brat! And a very naughty one. PICARD What!!?? I can't have children on my bridge! Especially a spoiled brat! WORF But sir, you let Wesley on the bridge. PICARD Ok. I can't have any spoiled brats, other than Wesley, on the bridge! Mr. Worf. Escort Trelayne off the bridge. WORF With pleasure. ( to Trelayne ) Just follow me. TRELANE No, I don't want to! This is supposed to be my game, with my rules! I can do anything I want! ( sticks out his tongue at Worf ) I want all of you on Gothos! Trelayne snaps his fingers. The entire bridge crew ( plus Dr Crusher ) is now in an 18th century drawing room. PICARD Now what do we do? Beverly, you're a parent. How would you keep a bratty kid in line? DR CRUSHER I'm afraid I haven't had much experience with omnipotent children. PICARD You must have some ideas!!! You raised Wesley! DR CRUSHER Well, there is an old book that I've used on raising children. It was written by a Dr. Spock. I think we should consult Spock! They all look at McCoy. McCOY You can't be serious!! You want to ask Spock's brain how to treat a bratty kid!!!!..... You're nuts!!! On that dramatic note, cut to commercial. Yet Another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode THE SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "Silver Nemesis" ( NO!, That was a Dr Who story ) THE REAL SILVER ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL "The Search for Spock's Brain" Written by Dave Dugan Copiedright by Dave Dugan ACT IV PICARD ( voiceover ) Captain's Log stardate 2930.30. The crew of the Enterprise are being used as playthings by a being called Trelane. Our quest for Spock's brain is delayed once again. Now it seems we must consult Spock to find an end to our problem. The bridge crew are seated at a table. The table has coq au vin, the Klingon dish Gaghh!! ( still moving ), steak fried chicken, several green, pink and orange blobs of food, and assorted drinks. Worf is drinking prune juice. There is a flash of light. All of the people from Ten Forward are also in the drawing room. Guinan notices Trelane, recognizes him, and walks towards him. She is also drinking prune juice. GUINAN What is the meaning of this? You have been a VERY bad boy! Trelane recognizes Guinan. Shows a little hint of fear. The commotion puts a halt to consulting "Dr. Spock" GUINAN I know your parents. And they are very nice, as omnipotent beings go. Your parents would not tolerate this.! They would have you GROUNDED!! TRELANE Grounded??? You mean I couldn't make any more planets? Grounded?? GUINAN Yes, grounded. Grounded into little pieces! Worf is intently watching this. Trelane really looks frightened. He snaps his fingers and vanishes in a flash of light ( you know, the standard special effects for vanishing on STTNG ) GUINAN ( looks at her glass of juice ) Prune juice. It does a body good. WORF ( looks at his prune juice ) It truly IS warriors drink!! After that, there is a flash of light. All of the Enterprise crew is back on the ship. Cut to Enterprise bridge. McCoy is being used ( again ) to find where Spock's signal is coming from. After a few hours they approach a strange looking, but almost familiar, wessel oops, vessel. It is plainly visible on the bridge's main viewer. PICARD Analysis?? DATA It appears to be patched together, using parts from many different technologies and races. It also seems to be the source of Spock's brain signal. LAFORGE ( now on the bridge ) That's a Pakled ship! They're about as sharp as a bowling ball! ... And about as dense as a neutron star! PICARD Mr Worf, hail them. WORF Aye ,sir. The Pakleds reply. The Pakled bridge is on the main viewer. PICARD We believe you have the brain of an important Federation envoy on your ship. Will you give it back to us? PAKLED CAPTAIN We look for things to make us go. Will you help us go? PICARD All we want is Spock's brain. We will give you anything you want in exchange!! PAKLED CAPTAIN Brain and brain! What is brain!!! TROI I sense no intellegent brain on that ship. McCOY I could have told you that!!! Spock, do you know where your brain is being kept? SPOCK'S VOICE I've known for the last two acts. McCOY Then why didn't you tell us!? SPOCK'S VOICE You never asked. McCOY Well ?? Where are you??? SPOCK'S VOICE I'm being kept on the planet Remulak. You will arrive here in a few hours if you just follow your present heading. PICARD Data, lets go around this Pakled ship and go straight to Remulak. Engage. ( does hand gesture from "Walk like an Egyptian" ) The Enterprise easily bypasses the Pakled vessel and warps towards Remulak with the usual special effects. PICARD What is known about the lifeforms on Remulak? DATA They are believed to be humanoid, but not much is known about them. The Remulakians do import a very large amount of beer, soft drinks and snacks from the Federation. Hours later, the Enterprise approaches Remulak. It goes into standard orbit. Cut to sick bay. Dr's Crusher, Pulaski and McCoy are discussing how to restore Spock's brain. PULASKI Let's face it, none of us has the knowledge to restore a brain. CRUSHER But all of us have different specialties. If we could pool our abilities together, we could do it! SPOCK'S VOICE Simple mathematics tells me that 3 times zero is still zero. The 3 Doctors look upset , but none more so than McCoy. McCOY Spock! You have a lot of nerve!! SPOCK'S VOICE Quite correct. Right now, I am nothing but nerves! CRUSHER Are you trying to be funny? SPOCK'S VOICE I am simply stating facts. Hardly anyone in the galaxy has the knowledge to restore a brain. Cut to main bridge. The Enterprise is about to contact Remulak. WORF Hailing frequencies open, sir. PICARD This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise, from the from the United Federation of Planets. You have kidnapped part of a Federation special envoy. We want him back.! WORF Remulak is responding. PICARD On main viewer. On the screen are 3 Remulakians. They are humanoid, but with cone shaped heads. In the center is the leader, Beldar. On his left is his wife Primat and to his right, daughter Connie. BELDAR ( In a monotone ) What do you want, Earthling? PICARD Why have you taken Spock's brain. Of what use is it? BELDAR We took Spock's brain so that war would break out between the Romulans and Federation. While both were fighting, we would take over the galaxy. Spock was supposed to talk to the Romulans about preventing war. PICARD Surely that isn't the only reason. BELDAR We also need the brain to run our protoid capsule factory. Excuse me. I must consume mass quantities. Beldar takes a six pack of Coke cans ( still tied together with plastic rings ). He opens all the cans and drinks from each one of them. Beldar then opens a large bag of pretzels and stuffs the entire bag into his mouth. PICARD If you put the Federation and Romulans at war, you will be deprived of your soda, your beer and your junk food. Are you willing to take that risk? BELDAR ( just finished stuffing himself ) No. Without them our civilization would collapse. We must return Spock's brain to you. We can find some other way to run the protoid capsule factories. The brain is kept in the Cranial Dome. It is a large, cone shaped building. Cut to transporter room. Chief O'Brien is at the controls. O'BRIEN I've found the brain, Captain. But what are we going to do with it once we get it? Dr. Crusher rushes into the transporter room with Spock's very laid back body. She is followed by McCoy and Pulaski. CRUSHER I have a way to restore Spock's brain. But its never been done before. PICARD ( on bridge ) What is it, doctor? CRUSHER It involves using the transporter, with ultra accuracy in coordinates. We beam Spock's brain into his skull. If the coordinates are EXACTLY right, all the nerves and blood vessels will be connected. McCOY I think you're making a mistake! I wouldn't trust that transporter to remove a splinter, much less put in a brain! PULASKI I agree! RIKER ( on bridge ) Hmmmm Another bogus use of the transporter. PICARD Yes, but we haven't had a bogus use of the transporter for at least 5 episodes. Continue, Dr. Crusher! DR CRUSHER Position Spock's body on the transporter pad. Then, you must beam the brain to these precise coordinates in the skull. Dr Crusher shows the coordinates to O'Brien. O'BRIEN I'm ready. If this doesn't work, Spock will go where no brain has gone before! He activates the transporter. There is some very dramatic music ( after all, it is the show's climax ). There are the usual special effects. After the process is done, there is a long dramatic pause. Then, Spock walks off the transporter pad. SPOCK Thank you , Dr. Crusher. Your "surgery" worked. Dr. Crusher smiles. McCOY Spock, you're alive!!! SPOCK Obviously. McCOY Well I see you're still the life of the party ... Fade out sound and cut to closing credits as another Spock - McCoy arguement starts.