written by yours truly Jonggu Moon Captn Piccard : Darth Vader ( the one and only ) Data :

written by yours truly Jonggu Moon Captn Piccard : Darth Vader ( the one and only ) Data : Sylvester Stallone Worf : Robin Williams Counselor Troi: Dr. Ruth Westheimer A CRIMSON ROM ^>*<^ PRODUCTION MCMXC Captain's Log stardate 9879.8, Darth Vader , Dark Lord of the Sith reporting... [ Director suddenly appears from the edge of the screen ] Director: CUT, CUT. Everybody hold it. Listen Vadie, read your script. It's not Darth Vader etc. but Captain Piccard. You can't stay on this skit if you don't bother to recite your lines. Come on Vadie baby do it for me or you'll never work this town again... >gasp!< >cough!< [Director grabs at his throat, falls to the floor and dies. His body is mysteriously lifted and sent off the stage. All devices resume operation and the rest of the crew and actors quickly return to their places.] Darth Vader: Lights, Camera, Action... . . . Captain's Log stardate 9879.8, Darth Vadar, Dark Lord of the Sith reporting. The Star Fleet Imperial Council has directed the Imperial Star Destroyer ENTERPRISE to the Alderbarran System. As pursuant to His Royal Highness' wishes, I will implement a coup in that system as a spring board to igniting war with the Klingon Empire. The mission is especially ugent since intelligence reports a squadron of Klingon Battle Cruisers also headed for Alderbarran. LaForge: Hey, my consol's beeping. What does it say ? the braile screen still has a few bugs in it. Ryker: Captain Piccard, >Gasp!< >Cough!< oh Lord Vader, we have approached Dhegobah cluster. ETA with Alderbarran in 6 hours. What do your instruments say Data ? Data: Yo Adrrriiiaaaannnn, AARRGHH! [ pulls out machine gun ] [ Ratatatatatatatatat Ratatatatatatatatatatatat ] [ Turbo lift doors open and Yar and Worf walk out. that is, Yar walks out, Worf staggers out. All action stops as the males pause for a look at Yar Vader starts breathing heavily under his face mask ] Worf : woof ! I mean-uh I say a-woof ! Was it Live ? Or was it HOLODECK ?! Excuse me folks, bad dude commin through. [ almost bumps into Vader ] uhm I meant to say second baddest dude your Darkishness. Piccard: That's enough Worf. Get to your station and prepare for action. Worf: Oh of course your Beezelbubblyness. [ sachet's to his station ] LaForge: Hey, I can hear my consol blinking again. What does it say ? Data : YO ADRIIIAAANNNN, AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! [Ratatatatatat Ratatatatat] Yar: [ with strategically placed sighs and hmmm's which this author cannot accurately depict ] It says, that there are a group of bodies approaching the Enterprise at Full Thrust. If you catch my drift. >giggle< Piccard: Battle Stations. All hands, general quaters. Red Alert. Worf: Right ! Red alert, general quaters, aye aye. Piccard: Raise shields. Ryker: Shields raised. Piccard: Arm weaponry. Yar: Photon Torpedoes looaaded and bare. Piccard: Scramble fighters. Ryker: What fighters ? Piccard: Surely you have small one manned craft that are swift enough to evade the enemy's heavy ordnances ! Ryker: No sir. In the old series we stood toe to toe and fought it out. Now we either out talk them, or run away with honor. Yar : Lord Vader, sensors have identified the objects as three Klingon Battle Cruisers. They are at battle stations but are decelerating. They have opened hailing frequencies. Piccard: Put them on. [Klingon Commander appears on the screen ] Kl: This is Commander Kreorge of the... Wow are you ugly ! Who the pjafrums are you ? Piccard: This is Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith and commander of his Imperial Majesty's Enterprise. Kl: The Enterprise is a Federation Ship. Who the kratriks is the Imperial Majesty. You are not in Federation Uniform. Maybe you are a mutinied crew yes ? Maybe we could do a deal yes ? Piccard: I speak for his Royal Emperor and demand your surrender. Do not underestimate the Dark Side of the Force. Kl: Force Schmorse, my friend, you need a few disruptor blasts to teach you some respect... >gasp!< >cough!< [ klingon commander grabs his throat, falls down and dies.] Piccard: I find your lack of faith in the Force disturbing. YOU THERE! [ points to another Klingon Officer on the screen] Who is second in command ? Kl2: I am. Pic: We are not the people you want. Kl2: You are not the people we want. Pic: You must look elsewhere. Kl2: We must look elsewhere. Pic: There is a possible mutiny on the other battle cruisers. Kl2: There is a possible mutiny on the other battle cruisers. Pic: You will let us go now. Kl2: I will let you go now. Pic: You must not let the traitors escape. Kl2: I will not let the traitors escape. Pic: [ turning to Worf ] cut the hailing frequency. Worf: Cut the hailing frequency. Kl2: Cut the hailing frequency. Pic: Now Worf. Worf: Now Worf. Kl2: Now Worf. Pic: Hey! Worf: Hey. Kl2: Hey. [ Piccard slaps Worf upside the head] Worf: uff! huh ? what ? who ? where ? Oh, right-O. [ While the Enterprise warps away, the Klingon ships start shooting at each other. ] Scene2 : Troi: So zat is vy zhoo shoot lern to egspress yourzelft more. Piccard: Counselor, I am not interested. Troi: Are zhoo keeping ze pipes clean ? Piccard: What ? Troi: You know, sein pipes. Are zhoo keeping dem clean ? Piccard: Counselor, [ stands up, completely dwarfing the Troi ] I believe this conversation has gone far enough. Troi: Zhen vy do you hapt das pribate meditation hoors every day ? Piccard: Ahem, Data! What is our position ? Data: Yo... uhm... Ah... no, that's not it... Ryker: psst! it's 'yo adrian, ahhhh' Data: Oh yeah. Tanks. YO AAADDRRIIIAANN!! AAARRGGGHHH !!! [ Ratatatatatata, Ratatatat] Piccard: Data, arm yourself and wait in the transporter room for further orders. Data, Data ! [ stage hand runs out and pushes Data through the turbo lift doors ] Data: Oh yeah, right. Now what was I supposed to say ? Scene 3: Everyone left on the bridge, except Data who is in the transporter room loaded down with camping gear, phaser rifles and a really BIG knife. Troi: Zo I tink dat vat zhoo are zupfering pfrom is der normal human dezires zat inshtedt of bien egspretzed, are bien zooprezt unt cgreatink zum tenzion in sie psykik, Ya? Piccard: I really have no time for this Counselor. Yar: Approaching Alderbarran. Piccard: Full stop LaForge [ Suddenly, everyone is plastered against the front wall.] Piccard: I said full stop. Not emergency stop. LaForge: Oh yeah. The small button, not the big one >Gasp!< >cough< [dies] Piccard: Appologies accepted LaForge. Yar : Alderbarran Space Control requests identificaton. Piccard: Put them on. This is His Imperial Majesty's Star Destroyer Enterprise. Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith commanding. We are on a peaceful mission. AlderbarranOfficer: But my scanners tell me that you are armed to teeth ! Piccard : That is not of your concern. Never the less, we are on a peaceful mission. I wish to speak to your Lord and Master. AO: We don't have a lord. We are an autonomous collective. We take it in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week. But all the descisions of that officer must be ratiffied in a special biweekly meeting... Piccard: Shut up. AO: Yes sir. Piccard: Connect me with your superior. AOSupperior: How may I help you ? Piccard: This is the Imperial StarShip Enterprise. We are on a peaceful mission. Lower your shields or be destroyed. AOS: Piss off! >gasp!< >cough!< [connection is broken] Piccard: All power to phasers. Worf: All power to phasers, aye. Piccard: Fire ! Worf: Tooooooooooooooooooooo Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Awwwwwwwwwwwwww! >gasp!< >cough!< [ falls down and dies ] Piccard: Idiot ! Yar, is Data ready ? Yar: Yes sir. Piccard: Beam him down. Yar : Wait a minute ! Alderbarran's shields are still up ! He'll get killed ! >gasp!< >cough!< [dies] Piccard:[ turns to Troi ] Do you want to say anything ? Troi: Oh, nein, nein. Aufweidersehen. [ leaves the bridge ] Piccard: Computer, beam him down. Com: On the way... there's been a problem. When his beam struck the Alderbarran Shields, all his equipment and most of him seems to have been destablized. But unkown if he is still alive or not. Piccard: Oh damn ! I have to think. Not even a planet destroyer beam. What kind of a Star Fleet is this anyway ? [ One hour and 17 minutes later, Alderbarran suddenly erupts in flames. There is not a tree left standing on the planet ] Piccard: I wonder what has happened. Is anyone alive down there? Oh yes! I sense a movement in the Force, there is at least one human alive... Com: Hailing frequency from the planet. Piccard: Put it on. It must be the planet survivors ready to negotiate. for unconditional surrender. > crackle, crackle < Com: The visual component is disrupting. Only the audio is available. voice: >crackle< >static< ...hello...enterprise... Piccard: This is the Enterprise. Vader speaking. Who is this? voice: >static< ...this is Data... Piccard: Data! So glad to know you're alive ! data: Vader... I'm commin to get you ! >gasp!< >cough!< >wheeze!< ... oh no, you're not getting rid of me that easy... Piccard: Ahem. Computer, pinpoint source of transmission and bombard it with photon torpedoes. Com: Torpedoes away. Piccard: Destination StarBase 5. Warp factor 9. Com: Engaged. Computer: Scanners detect five Klingon Cruisers and a Dreadnaught approaching. Piccard: Raise them Computer: They do not respond to our hailing frequencies. Piccard: Then prepare my escape pod. Here we go again.