Subject: PARODY: The Continuing Voyages Date: 6 Jan 92 21:49:47 GMT ::::::::::::::::::::::

From: cs_e266@kingston.ac.uk (Edwin Yau) Subject: PARODY: The Continuing Voyages Date: 6 Jan 92 21:49:47 GMT ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: : PROMO FOR STAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES 1: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: PROMO ANNOUNCER: THIS WEEK ON STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES, THE CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE-A MEET THEIR MOST DEADLIEST ENEMIES... [ Scene shows crew on the bridge of the Enterprise ] Nogura..: Kirk, we have a situation on Regula III... [ Scene cuts to show a flying cube in space; cut to Spock ] Spock...: Captain, we are being scanned. Kirk....: This is damn peculiar. [ Cut to interior of Borg ship. ] Borg....: We are the Borg. We order you to surrender. Kirk....: Starship Captains never surrender! Spock...: The Borg ship is following us, and catching! Kirk....: Scotty, we need all the power you can muster. Scotty..: But Sair, my poor wee bairns canna' take it no more, Cap'n! THIS IS THE MAJOR CONFRONTATION OF THE 23rd CENTURY. WHO WILL SURVIVE? FIND OUT NEXT IN STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES. ====================================================================== STTCV 1.1 ========= S T A R T R E K : T H E C O N T I N U I N G V O Y A G E S . ---------------------------------------------------------------- TODAY'S EPISODE: "Star Trek - The Motion Wrath Of The Search For The Voyage To The Final Frontier, Or, What If The Borg Met The Crew Of Enterprise-A? (PART 1)" [ You, the viewer, through the eyes of a Panasonic movie camera, see a starfield (special effects by Industrial Light & Magic), and move with it, through the Sol star system until it reaches planet Earth. As you get taken round Earth, you see a spacedock.....Entering spacedock, a starship comes into view. Its name: U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-A..... ] Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 2398.273.11 I am Captain James T. Kirk of the starship...Enterprise, NCC-1701-A. The ship has now had all her minor...difficulties fixed by Scotty, so now she is fully operational. Everyone has had a good, long shore- leave, and are now all back to go on our first exploration mission on Enterprise-A... [ SHEESHHHH...The main turbolift doors of the Enterprise class starship open, and Captain Kirk steps onto the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise...SHEESHHHH...] Spock...: Welcome aboard, Captain. Everyone: Captain! Kirk....: Glad to see that everyone is onboard already. We must be ready to leave spacedock atf1200 hours, as we must get on our way for our 1st exploration mission to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. Sulu....: You mean that we are actually going to get to go on an exploration mission! Chekov..: Wussians invented exploration missions! Uhura...: Captain - we are receiving a priority one transmission from Starfleet H.Q. Kirk....: On main viewer, Uhura. Uhura...: Yes, Captain. [ The main viewer comes to life, and Admiral Nogura appears. He does not look too happy. ] Nogura..: Kirk? Kirk....: Admiral? Nogura..: Kirk? Kirk....: Admiral? Nogura..: Kirk? Kirk....: Admiral? Nogura..: Kirk? Kirk....: Admiral? Nogura..: Kirk, we have a situation on Regula III... Kirk....: Regula III? What is it? Nogura..: It's a name of a space research station, but that's not important right now. We lost contact with it on stardate 2398.270.1, and we need to get a starship there as soon as possible. Reports say a flying cube was seen in the vicinity. Kirk....: Surely there are other ships in that sector who can deal with that situation? Nogura..: There are other ships, but only one Kirk. We need Jim Kirk, and don't call me Shirley. Kirk....: But what about our exploration mission? Nogura..: You should know by now that the Enterprise never really does exploration missions. The viewers want to see the Enterprise and her crew in a ship-to-ship battle, a fight or near-death situation, not on some boring exploration mission. It's not good for the ratings. We want to stay at number 1, otherwise Paramount will cut our $1.8 million budget an episode and sell us to the BBC. You KNOW how much they gave the Dr. Who series. Now look at it! McCoy...: He's right. It's dead, Jim! Do you want that to happen to us? Kirk....: Sell us to the BBC! OH NO! We're on our way. Enterprise out. Sulu, disengage moorings. Chekov, plot a course to Regula III. Scotty, we need warp speed... Scotty..: But Sair, my poor wee bairns canna' take it Cap'n! Kirk....: You said your lines too early!! We haven't even engaged the Ridiculously-Fast-Ultra-Transwarp drive, and the viewers haven't seen the new rainbow-coloured warp drive special effects by Industrial Light & Magic yet!! Scotty..: Och...Sorry, Cap'n! Kirk....: Uhura, patch me into the ship's p.a. system. Uhura...: Yes, Captain.....You're on sir. Kirk....: An emergency situation has arisen... [ Suddenly groans can be heard on the decks below and all the security officers dash into their quarters to write up their transfer orders. ] Kirk....: [ Continuing ] By order of Starfleet Command our set exploration mission has been replaced. We have been ordered to Regula III...This is a new ship, and she's only recently come back from her shakedown cruise. Let's hope she lives up to her name of.....Enterprise. Kirk out. Chekov..: Course plotted, Captain. Kirk....: Uhura, get me Spacedock control. Uhura...: Spacedock control on, sir. Kirk....: Spacedock, request clearance to leave. Spacedock: Clearance confirmed, Enterprise. Kirk....: Thanks, spacedock. Spacedock: Your welcome...and good luck Enterprise... Kirk....: Sulu, engage impulse, quarter speed. [ Cue music from Jerry Goldsmith.....The Enterprise's lights come on, and she comes to life. Slowly she glides towards the gigantic space doors, and passes the U.S.S. Excelsior, where there are technicians still trying to figure out why Transwarp doesn't work. Scotty just smiles slyly and enters the turbolift muttering to himself about "overdoing plumbing" and "stopping up drains". The doors come open, and the Enterprise clears the doors. ] Sulu....: We have cleared spacedoors... Kirk....: Let's see what she's got...warp factor 9... Sulu....: Aye, sir...Warp factor 9... [ The Enterprise's engines suddenly burst into life and in an instant the Enterprise is gone (well, in .01 nanoseconds actually...) As the Enterprise gracefully speeds through space at warp 9, every imaginable colour of the rainbow appears behind her at a cost of $100,000 per colour. That works out at quite a lot you know! ] ----- [ Cue music and start of the famous opening speech... ] DA...DA...DA...DA... DA DAA DAAAAA, DA DA DA DA DAAAAAA, DAAA DAAAAAAAA.... SPACE, still the final frontier... These are the continuing voyages of the starship...ENTERPRISE... Her ongoing mission, To explore strange new worlds, To seek out new life forms and new civilizations, To boldly go where no-one has gone before... ----- [ Now the dramatic opening scene has been done, we proceed with Star Trek:The Continuing Voyages... ] ----- [ In the Captain's quarters aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise-A... ] Captain's Log, Stardate 2398.274.12 We have slowed to impulse speed as we are approaching Regula III. Spock and Bones are have just come into my quarters and we are about to find out all about Regula III and the scientists there. Spock...: Captain, I believe I have collected all available infor- mation on Regula III. Kirk....: And... Spock...: Regula III is an M-class planet and is a major research research planet for the Genesis II experiment... McCoy...: Genesis II? What's that? Spock...: I am afraid that that information can only be accessed by the Captain. Kirk....: Computer? Computer: Yes....dear..... Kirk....: !!!??!?!! Spock, I thought you said the computers were the new IBM-DEC-VAX-UNIX-BELL & WHISTLE PS/3000's? Spock...: Yes, however, the software for them are based on the soft- ware originally used in the original Enterprise..... Kirk....: I see... McCoy...: Of course you can, you have eyes! Kirk....: Bones! Computer, request security code access...Kirk, Captain James T. Computer: Identify for retina, mouth, ear, brain and err...sexual prowess scan..... [ At this point, a beam of red light moves up and down the whole of Kirk's body. ] Kirk....: Ohhh.....That felt good..... Computer: Scan complete....You passed.....dear..... Kirk....: Access project Genesis II. [ The screen flashes and then the words ...Project:GENESIS II... appears and a middle-aged blonde scientist appears on the screen. ] Spock...: Carol Marcus! Marcus..: Genesis II - what is it? Put simply, Genesis is life from lifelessness - you all know about the first Genesis exper- iment and what went wrong...Well, this time we have used a new formula without proto-matter....We have combined molecules at a sub-sub-sub-atomic level and re-recreated it to form the basic elements of life. Please watch the film, and enjoy the free popcorn..... [ An ad for popcorn and a trailer for a Star Trek VII:The Next Generation movie appears. Then a short demo of the Genesis II effect appears, costing Paramount another $5 million in SFX budget. ] Marcus..: As you see, the benefits of Genesis II are incredible - and it should be considering the amount I paid ILM for those new fancy computer graphics - should the Federation wish to fund the project to their logical conclusion. This ends the demonstration... [ The screen goes off. ] Kirk....: What do you think? McCoy...: Well, the trailer for the Star Trek:The Next Generation movie looked good..... Kirk....: I don't mean that! Spock...: How did they make that popcorn? I cannot figure out the formula. McCoy...: Ah! An ancient formula passed down from my great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- grandfather. Kirk....: Bones!.....Right, what are your views on Genesis II? McCoy...: It was a good pilot to a series.... Gene....: Why, thanks Dee. McCoy...: That's ok, Gene...and thanks for the pay-rise. Spock...: What stage are they at? Kirk....: Well, the tape was made over a year ago, so I can only assume they'd have reached stage 2 by now... McCoy...: Dear Lord, who would have thought...What would happen if this was used where life exists? Spock...: It would destroy such life, in favour of it's new matrix. McCoy...: In favour of it's new matrix? Have you any idea what you're saying? Spock...: I was not attempting to evaluate its moral implications, Doctor. As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy life than to create it. McCoy...: Not any more, now you can do both at the same time! According to myth the Earth was created in 6 days - now watch out - here comes Genesis II - we'll do it for you in 6 seconds! Spock...: Really Doctor, you must learn to govern your passions. They will be your undoing. Logic suggests... McCoy...: My god, the man's talking about logic - we're talking about universal Armageddon! You green-blooded, inhuman..... [ Spock raises an eyebrow in his Spock fashion. ] Savvik..: [V.O.] Captain, long range sensors have detected a vessel which is closing fast. Kirk....: What do you make of her? Savvik..: It's...a cube? Kirk....: I'm on my way..... [ On the bridge..... Cue James Horner music.....2 composers on one parody? Yes, no expense spared here to bring you the best parody. ] Spock...: Captain, we are being scanned. Kirk....: Do not return scan, it may be perceived as hostile. Have you tried communications with them, Uhura? Uhura...: Yes, sir, all known frequencies and languages - no reply. Savvik..: Sir, General Order 12 says that when communications have not been established..... Spock...: The Captain is well aware of General Order 12, Lieutenant. Savvik..: Aye, sir. Kirk....: This is damn peculiar. Sulu, magnify viewer on that ship, point 5. Sulu....: Yes, sir.....magnification point 5..... [ Everyone gasps ] Kirk....: Am I dreaming? McCoy...: If you are, then life is a dream..... Kirk....: Spock, a giant cube in space? Spock...: It's possible - we have encountered ameobas, planet killers, cans of dog food, flashing, blinking and beeping lights, why not oxo cubes? Kirk....: This is damn peculiar....Red alert.... Savvik..: Red alert - aye, sir....energising defence fields..... [ The cube closes on the Enterprise. ] Chekov..: Kepten, ze cube is closing on us. Kirk....: Increase to full impulse. Spock...: Captain, I have no records on the design of that ship. Howevgr, one person on this ship may be able to help. Kirk....: Who? Spock...: Guinan, our ship's bar-manageress. Kirk....: Get her on the bridge. [ Moments later..... ] Kirk....: Guinan? Guinan..: Kirk? Kirk....: Guinan? Guinan..: Kirk? Kirk....: Guinan? Guinan..: Kirk? Kirk....: Guinan? Guinan..: Kirk? Kirk....: Guinan, what do you know about that cube on the viewer? Guinan..: Is that what you wanted? I thought that you needed a drink! Kirk....: Nooooo, but we need some information on the cube. Guinan..: They are called the Borg. They are the ultimate user, half cyborg, half human - I suggest that you get out of here while you can. I sense that sometime in the future another crew will also meet them..... Spock...: I presume you are referring to the crew of Enterprise-D? Guinan..: Y-Yes - but how did you know? Spock...: While I was dress in my alter ego form of Leonard Nimoy, I picked up the videos for Star Trek:The Next Generation. Kirk....: The Next Generation? You mean we get replaced? Spock...: Well, didn't you know Star Trek VI will be our last movie together? Kirk....: I was told that we would go on forever! Spock...: Only on re-runs. McCoy...: That's terrible! Spock...: You will get a cameo appearance as yourself in the pilot episode, Doctor. McCoy...: What! That means I will be playing a 130 year old man! Spock...: 137 years old to be precise, Doctor. McCoy...: You mean I live that long? It's that damned Vulcan Katra that you left in me - your revenge for all those arguments you lost when we did the T.V. series. Kirk....: Gentlemen, please, calm down. Spock, can you rig up a viewer so that we can see Star Trek:The Next Generation and get some help in defeating these Borg? Spock...: Yes, Captain. [ Suddenly..... ] Uhura...: Captain, the ship is signalling us. Kirk....: On main viewer. [ Cut to interior of Borg ship. ] Borg....: We are the Borg. We order you to surrender. We have analysed your technology and found you to be inferior. Resistance is futile. You will lower your shields and prepare to surrender. You will be assimilated...... Kirk....: Starship Captains never surrender! Guinan..: *Unless your name is Picard* Kirk....: Sulu, put some distance between us and the ship - any direction warp 9. Sulu....: Warp 9. [ The Enterprise goes into warp, and a moment later so does the Borg ship. ] Spock...: The Borg ship is following us, and catching! Kirk....: Increase to warp 9.5. Sulu....: Warp 9.5, sir..... Spock...: The Borg ship is now at warp 9.8. Kirk....: Scotty, we need all the power you can muster. Scotty..: But Sair, my poor wee bairns canna' take it no more, Cap'n! Kirk....: She can take it, Scotty. Use auxiliary power also. Scotty..: Aye, sir... Kirk....: Sulu, increase to warp 9.9. Spock...: Borg ship at warp 9.999999999999999999995. Kirk....: Right, that does it. No ship, I repeat, no ship is gonna out-run the Enterprise. Let's see what this baby's really got...warp factor 38... Sulu....: But sir, we can't go at warp 38 - that's impossible! Kirk....: Only in Star Trek:The Next Generation. Don't forget, in our show, we have the more ridiculous plots and the better writers. We can go at virtually any speeds. Sulu....: Aye, sir...Warp factor 38... Spock...: However, we cannot sustain warp 38 for long. I estimate we can keep at that speed for approximately 8 hours, 35 minutes and 23.327613782 seconds. Kirk....: Approximately 8 hours, 35 minutes and 23.327617382 seconds hey? I see. Spock...: I'm sorry, captain, but I said approximately 8 hours, 35 minutes and 23.327613782 seconds, not 8 hours, 35 minutes and 23.327617382 seconds. Of course, that was only a rough estimate, as I do not have all the facts on the Borg ship. Kirk....: Rrrright. Sulu? Sulu....: Calculations for a speed of warp 38 completed. Course heading? Kirk....: Thataway! [ The Enterprise's warp engines power up to an almighty high-pitched whine, and then................................................... ] TO BE CONTINUED!!!........ =============================== NEXT TIME IN STAAAAAR TREK: THE CONTINUING VOYAGES. [ Cut to Spock. ] Spock...: Minimal power only. Life support barely functional. We won't survive another attack. Kirk....: Damn! Uhura...: Sir, the Borg ship is signalling us. They wish to discuss terms of our surrender... [ The image of the Borg ship disappears to show - KHAN! (a "borgified" version). ] Kirk....: Khan! Khan....: You still remember, Captain. I cannot help but be touched. I, of course, remember you. [ Cut to external view - shot shows Borg ship firing on the Enterprise and the Enterprise taking a direct hit! ] IS THIS THE END FOR KIRK AND THE CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE? FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TIME IN, THE EXCITING ACTION-PACKED CONCLUSION TO STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: : PROMO FOR STAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES 2: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: [ Dramatic music starts playing... ] PROMO ANNOUNCER: LAST TIME ON STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES... Nogura..: Kirk, we have a situation on Regula III... Kirk....: What is it? [ Scene cuts to show Kirk, Spock and McCoy. ] Savvik..: [V.O.] Captain, long range sensors have detected a vessel which is closing fast. Kirk....: What do you make of her? Savvik..: It's...a cube? Kirk....: I'm on my way..... [ Cut to bridge scene. ] Spock...: Captain, we are being scanned. Kirk....: Do not return scan, it may be perceived as hostile. Have you tried communications with them, Uhura? Uhura...: Yes, sir, all known frequencies and languages - no reply. Kirk....: This is damn peculiar....Red alert.... Savvik..: Red alert - aye, sir....energising defence fields..... Chekov..: Kepten, ze cube is closing on us! [ Cut to Guinan. ] Guinan..: They are called the Borg. They are the ultimate user, half cyborg, half human - I suggest that you get out of here while you can. [ Cut back to bridge. ] Uhura...: Captain, the ship is signalling us. Kirk....: On main viewer. [ Cut to interior of Borg ship. ] Borg....: We are the Borg. We order you to surrender. We have analysed your technology and found you to be inferior. Resistance is futile. You will lower your shields and prepare to surrender. You will be assimilated...... Kirk....: Starship Captains never surrender! Spock...: The Borg ship is following us, and catching! Kirk....: Increase to warp 9.5. Sulu....: Warp 9.5, sir..... Spock...: The Borg ship is now at warp 9.8. Kirk....: Scotty, we need all the power you can muster. Scotty..: But Sair, my poor wee bairns canna' take it no more, Cap'n! Kirk....: Sulu, increase to warp 9.9. Spock...: Borg ship at warp 9.999999999999999999995. Kirk....: Right, that does it. No ship, I repeat, no ship is gonna out-run the Enterprise. Let's see what this baby's really got...warp factor 38... Sulu....: Calculations for a speed of warp 38 completed. Course heading? Kirk....: Thataway! [ The Enterprise's warp engines power up to an almighty high-pitched whine, and then................................................... ] AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION TO STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES. ====================================================================== STTCV 1.2 ========= S T A R T R E K : T H E C O N T I N U I N G V O Y A G E S . ---------------------------------------------------------------- TODAY'S EPISODE: "Star Trek - The Motion Wrath Of The Search For The Voyage To The Final Frontier, Or, What If The Borg Met The Crew Of Enterprise-A? (PART 2)" Sulu....: Increasing to warp 9.98, warp 10...engaging the Ridiculously-Fast-Ultra-Transwarp drive... Kirk....: Everyone hold on... [ The Enterprise screams into a even higher-whining pitch and then... the scream suddenly dies out. There is a crunching sound and the Enterprise stops dead in space. No-one speaks for a second. ] Kirk....: Scotty, what happened? Scotty..: [V.O.] Hang on, Cap'n, I'm looking into it now...oh no, my poor wee bairns! Someone's pinched a couple of computer chips out of the main computer drive - once we reached warp 10, we lost all warp and impulse power! Why, when I get my hands on the person who did this - he's gonna be sorry! Kirk....: This sounds damn familiar. Spock...: Captain, I believe you are referring to when Scotty took the chips out of the Excelsior's Transwarp computer drive commanded by Captain Styles in Star Trek III:The Search For Spock. Kirk....: Of course! Captain Styles must have done this! S**T! Just wait until the writer has finished this parody, then I'll show him who's boss around here! Did you hear that, Scotty? Scotty..: Aye, sir! Can I have a "little talk" with him first? Kirk....: He's all yours when we get back to Starbase 1. Can you fix the drive, Scotty? Scotty..: Aye, Cap'n. I'll get onto it now. Kirk....: Hurry up, Scotty. Kirk out. Spock? Spock...: The Borg ship will be upon us in precisely 38.5675 seconds. Kirk....: Damn! Chekov, arm all phasers and photon torpedoes. Sulu, raise shields. Chekov..: Aye, Kepten. Kirk....: We wait... ----- DA...DA...DA...DA... DA DAA DAAAAA, DA DA DA DA DAAAAAA, DAAA DAAAAAAAA.... SPACE, still the final frontier... These are the continuing voyages of the starship...ENTERPRISE... Her ongoing mission, To explore strange new worlds, To seek out new life forms and new civilizations, To boldly go where no-one has gone before... ----- Spock...: The Borg are within visual range. Activating viewscreen. Kirk....: Chekov, lock everything onto the Borg shi.. Chekov..: All veapons locked, Kepten. Kirk....: Uhura, open a channel to the Borg ship. Uhura...: ...You're on, Captain. Kirk....: Attention Borg ship. This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Hold your position or we will be forced to defend ourselves. Borg....: Resistance is futile - you will surrender now and lower your shields. You will... Kirk....: Uhura, cut communications. Chekov, FIRE! [ Chekov presses a button and phasers and photon torpedoes launch out towards the Borg ship - they all hit and blast a big hole in one corner of the Borg ship. ] Kirk....: Good shooting, Chekov. Spock...: The Borg ship has sustained 35% damage - no life signs detected. Chekov..: [ Pointing to viewscreen.] Zen, how do you explain zhat! [ Everyone looks at the Borg ship - it starts to repair itself! ] Kirk....: Wha...Spock, analysis? Spock...: Just one damn moment...the Borg are alive! They functeon as one whole though - that is why we couldn't detect any life at first - they are all repairing the ship. Kirk....: Chekov, lock... [ Suddenly the Borg ship fires! The Enterprise rocks under the force of the blast. Everyone shakes and fall off their seats. ] Kirk....: [ getting back up. ] *cough* Spock? *cough* Spock...: We've lost all shields. Activating... [ The Borg ship fires again. The shot hits the primary hull. The bridge starts to smoke and fires break out. ] Kirk....: *cough* Uhura, clear the channels. Scotty, what's left? Scotty..: [V.O. only.] Main power's out, Cap'n. We're still picking up the pieces down here. Kirk....: Can you give me phaser power? Scotty..: A few shots, sair. Spock...: Not enough against their shields. Kirk....: Spock, status. Spock...: Minimal power only. Life support barely functional. We won't survive another attack. Kirk....: Damn! Uhura...: Sir, the Borg ship is signalling us. They wish to discuss terms of our surrender... [ Dramatic music here from James Horner. Everyone looks at Kirk. ] Kirk....: I thought Borg don't discuss surrender? Spock...: It appears that their priorities have changed. Kirk....: Put them on screen. Uhura...: But, Captain... Kirk....: Do it now, while we still have time.... Uhura...: On screen, sir. [ The image of the Borg ship disappears to show - KHAN! (a "borgified" version). ] Kirk....: Khan! Khan....: You still remember, Admiral. I cannot help but be touched. I, of course, remember you. Kirk....: I'm CAPTAIN James T. Kirk now! But, what happened to you? I thought you were... Khan....: ...destroyed by the Genesis wave? I was, but this Borg ship was in the vicinity at the time and transported me to their ship before the explosion. I am now Borg! I speak for them. Kirk....: What do you want? What is the meaning of this attack? Khan....: Surely I have made my meaning plain? I mean to avenge myself upon you. I've deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your life. But I wanted you to know first who it was who had beaten you. Kirk....: *This sounds damn familiar.* Khan, if it's me you want, I'll have myself beamed aboard; spare my crew. Khan....: I'll make you a counter-proposal. I'll agree to your terms if...if, in addition to yourself, you hand over to me all data and material regarding the project called Genesis II! Kirk....: Genesis II? What's that? Khan....: Don't insult my intelligence, Kirk. Kirk....: At least give me time to collect all the data. Khan....: I give you sixty seconds, Captain. [ More dramatic music... ] Kirk....: Clear the bridge. Spock...: At least we know he doesn't have Genesis II. Kirk....: Keep nodding as though I'm still giving orders. Spock, can you tap into their central computer bank and get it to lower its shields? Spock...: Well, seeing as I have the highest ratings in computer technology of any Science Officer in the fleet, and on Vulcan, I calculate that I have a 95.234654563% of succeeding. Kirk....: Well, get to it then. We need those shields down in 45 seconds. Khan....: Captain. Kirk....: We're finding it. Khan....: Captain. Kirk....: Please - please, you've got to give us time. The bridge is smashed, the computers inoperative. Khan....: Time is a luxury you don't have, Captain. Kirk....: Damn! Khan....: Captain. Kirk....: It's coming through now, Khan. Spock...: I've got into their system, Captain...the console has now been modified. Fascinating - they have a prefix code too. It is 16309. Savvik..: I don't understand. Kirk....: You have to learn why things work on a starship. Spock...: Each ship has its own combination code... Kirk....: To prevent an enemy from doing what we are attempting... using our console to order the Borg ship to lower its shield. Spock...: Assuming that he hasn't changed the combination - he's quite intelligent. Khan....: 15 seconds, Captain. Kirk....: Khan, how do we know you'll keep your word? Khan....: Oh, I've given you no word to keep, Captain. In my judgement you simply have no alternative. Kirk....: I see your point. Stand by to receive our transmission. Mr. Sulu, lock phasers on target and await my command. Sulu....: Phasers locked. Khan....: Time's up, Captain. Kirk....: Here it comes. Now Mr. Spock. [ Spock enters the code. On the Borg ship... ] Khan....: Wha...our shields are dropping...can't raise shields... where's the override...the override? [ Back on the Enterprise. ] Kirk....: FIRE! FIRE! [ Exterior shot shows the Enterprise firing her phasers at the Borg ship. With no shields, massive chunks of the Borg ship are blown away. Great explosions and fire (fire? In space, where there is no oxygen? Hmmm....) appear. BUT, moments later... ] Kirk....: OHMYGOD! The ship is still able to repair itself - this time at a faster rate! Spock...: I calculate that it will be fully operational in 2 minutes. Kirk....: Damn! Scotty, have we got main power yet? Scotty..: [V.O.] No, Cap'n. We canna get it fixed that quickly. Kirk....: Scotty, you have less than 2 minutes to get it operational. If you don't - you're fired! Scotty..: Aye, sair. I'll do my best. Scott out. Spock...: Captain, I have an idea. We can implement "Plan...T". [ Everyone looks at Spock in shock amazement. ] Kirk....: Spock, do you realise what you're suggesting? "Plan T" is more dangerous than when I used the Destruct Sequence in Star Trek III and in the T.V. series. Spock...: It is the logical thing to do, Captain. The Destruct Sequence has been disabled when the Bor. hit the backup and main power lines to the detonation units. It would take too long to fix them. Kirk....: Ok, "Plan T" it is. [ They all move to the Science Officer's console. ] Kirk....: Computer, this is Captain James T. Kirk - request security access. [ The computer beeps an acknowledgement. Really dramatic music starts here. ] Kirk....: Computer, T-sequence 1, code 1, 1-A. Spock...: Computer, Captain Spock, First Officer. T-sequence 2, code 1, 1-A, 2-B. Sulu....: Computer, this is Commander Hikaru Sulu, Chief Helmsman. T-sequence 3, code 1-B, 2-B, 3. Computer: T-sequence completed and engaged. Awaiting final code for 1 minute countdown. Kirk....: Code 0-0-0, T-0. Computer: T-sequence is activated... [ The music builds up to a high-tension. A monitor on Spock's console shows a countdown sequence. ] Kirk....: Everyone stay calm. Let's hope this works. Computer: .....55, 54, 53, 52, 51, 50..... Spock...: The Borg ship is 57% repaired. It will be at optimum power in 66 seconds. Kirk....: Damn! That's cutting it close. Uhura...: Sir, look! On the screen! [ Everyone looks to see a wounded Khan. ] Khan....: Kirk, my old friend, you seem to have beaten me this time, but you have not won the war. You tasked me, and I shall have you. I'll chase you round the Moons Of Nebulu, and round the Antares Malestorm and round Perditions' Flames until I give you up. Kirk....: We'll see. Computer: .....20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15..... Spock...: Borg ship 89% repaired. Kirk....: You see, Khan, I have won the battle, and the war. Computer: 7, 6, 5..... Khan....: And how have you done that? Computer: .....3, 2, 1. [ Suddenly, 2 rather large containers are beamed out of the cargo hold and materialise in the Borg ship. ] Khan....: What is this, Kirk? [ The front of the containers fall open to reveal...TRIBBLES! Well, 2 very, very, very large and very, very, very fat 10 foot tall (and wide) ones! ] Khan....: ARGH! NO1 TRIBBLES! BLAST THEM! [ 2 Borgs move towards a tribble each and blasts them. The shots make the tribbles explode into...thousands of tiny tribbles! ] Khan....: ARGH! NO! KIRK! HELP ME! You know the havoc they cause to electrical systems! Kirk....: [Smiling] I'm sorry, Khan, they're your problem now. Scotty, have we got main power back on line? Scotty..: [V.O.] Aye, sair - full power now! Kirk....: Well done, Scotty. You kept your job. Mr. Sulu, ahead warp factor 5. Sulu....: Aye, sir. Warp 5. Khan....: KKKKKIIIIIRRhRRKKKKK!!!!! [ The Enterprise warps away from the Borg ship. Moments later the Borg ship explodes into a trillion and one pieces (just try doing a jigsaw puzzle with that many pieces - it's not easy I can tell you!) and after the brightness of the explosion fades, nothing but space debris is left. ] --- END ================================ PROMO ANNOUNCER: NEXT TIME ON AN ALL-NEW EPISODE OF STAAAAAR TREK: THE CONTINUING VOYAGES SOMEWHERE IN THE VAGRA SYSTEM... Spock...: Captain, there are life forms dead ahead... Kirk....: Let's investigate. [ Scene cuts to show a big oil slick-type creature apparently blocking the way for 4 humans to reach a crashed shuttle (sound familiar yet?) Cut to the 4 humans. ] Tasha...: I'm going to help. Beverly.: Wait, Tasha! [ The oil slick creature fires a bolt at Tasha. It hits her! ] Kirk....: Ohmygod. IS THIS THE END FOR TASHA YAR? WILL KIRK FIND TRUE LOVE? Kirk....: Can we help? Riker...: Who are you? Kirk....: Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Beverly.: Kirk? I've heard about you! [ Beverly smiles rather slyly. Kirk smiles back. Cut to Enterprise-D sick-bay. ] Riker...: Doctor? McCoy...: Yes? Riker...: I was talking to Doctor Crusher. McCoy...: Hmmm...bones...crusher...bone crusher! Hee, hee, hee! [ Cut to Beverly. ] Beverly.: She's dead, Jean-Luc! Kirk....: That sounds damn familiar. [ Cut to Picard. ] Picard..: We have to assign an acting Chief of Security first... Lt. Worf, please come in. Kirk....: Worf? Sounds like a... [ Worf enters the room. ] Kirk....: KLINGON NAME! Picard..: Lt. Worf, this is Captain... Worf....: KIRK! THERE SHALL BE NO PEACE AS LONG AS KIRK LIVES! Kirk....: This sounds damn familiar. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? IS THIS THE END FOR CAPTAIN KIRK? FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STTCV 2 ======= S T A R T R E K : T H E C O N T I N U I N G V O Y A G E S . ---------------------------------------------------------------- TODAY'S EPISODE: "Star Trek - Skin Of Evil II" Kirk....: Captain's Log, Stardate 2299.188.1 We are flying through the Vagra star system on a star mapping mission. So far nothing unusual, but I know that something will happen soon. It... Spock...: Excuse me, Captain, but how can you know something will happen in this particular sector? Kirk....: Well, I...errr... Scotty..: Och man! Yer been readin' the script again! Yer know that's not allowed! What will... [ Suddenly there is an explosion and the ship shakes violently. The bridge crew fall out of their seats as per usual. ] Kirk....: [picking himself up from the floor] Chekov, why haven't we had the seat belts put in yet? Chekov..: Sorry, Keptin, but ze Halfords store at Starbase 123 had run out of stock. Zhey vill not have any more in for another 3 veeks. Kirk....: Damn! Spock, analysis? Spock...: We were hit by a time wave. Kirk....: So what happened? Spock...: It appears that we've been flung forward in time by 78 years. Kirk....: But that means we've run into the era of....ST:TNG! ----- DA...DA...DA...DA... DA DAA DAAAAA, DA DA DA DA DAAAAAA, DAAA DAAAAAAAA.... SPACE, still the final frontier... These are the continuing voyages of the starship...ENTERPRISE... Her ongoing mission, To explore strange new worlds, To seek out new life forms and new civilizations, To boldly go where no-one has gone before... ----- Kirk....: Captain's Log, Stardate 2299.188.2 We have hit a time wave and been flung forward 78 years into the future, which means we have entered ST:TNG's era. I hope we don't bump into the crew of Enterprise-D. Spock, sensors? Spock...: We have presently floating into the Vagra star system. There are no other vessels in the area. Scotty..: Captain, the dilithium crystals are drained. We need some more. My poor wee bairns canna go into warp without them! Kirk....: Damn! Where are we going to be able to get dilithium crystals here... at this hour? Spock...: Captain, sensors show raw dilithium on the planet Vagra II. Kirk....: Well, in that case we'll beam down, collect the crystals and beam up. As simple as that! What could go wrong? [ A few minutes later, Kirk, Spock and McCoy have beamed down. ] Spock...: Captain, there are life forms dead ahead..... Kirk....: Let's investigate. [ Soon they come to a big boulder. Looking over it they see a bin oil-slick creature apparently blocking the way for 4 humans to reach a crashed shuttle (sound familiar yet?) ] Tasha...: I'm going to help. Beverly.: Wait, Tasha! [ The oil-slick creature fires a bolt which hits Tasha and throws her to the left. The Away Team run to the right! ] Kirk....: [with a puzzled look on his face for a moment] Ohmygod! We have to help. [ They run towards the Away Team. ] Kirk....: Can we help? Riker...: Who are hell are you? Kirk....: Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Beverly.: [smiling slyly] Kirk? I've heard about you! [ Kirk smiles back. ] Riker...: Look, we haven't got time for this. Enterprise, beam everyone here up to sick-bay immediately! Kirk....: Enterprise? [ The whole lot is suddenly beamed up just as the oil-slick creature comes in for the kill. Cut to sick-bay..... Picard walks in. ] Picard..: Number One, what happened down there? Who are these people? Riker...: Sir, Armus attacked us. Tasha took a hit... Doctor? McCoy...: Yes? Riker...: I was talking to Doctor Crusher! Picard..: Doctor *Crusher*, how's Tasha? Beverly.: She's dead, Jean-Luc! [ Everyone looks stunned! ] Kirk....: That sounds damn familiar. Picard..: It's conference time! Everyone to Conference Room 1. [Signalling Kirk & Co.] You had better come too. McCoy...: Oh, joy. [ Up in Conference Room 1. Kirk & Co. are looking at the "cut-out" gold- painted Enterprises on the wall. He points to the big one at the top. ] Kirk....: What is that!?! Picard..: That is the Enterprise-D. Kirk....: THAT is Enterprise-D!?!?! It's a monstrosity! Scotty..: Och! An' I thought the Excelsior was bad! I canna' believe Star Fleet had the nerve to design that! Next yer be telling me that they have blind people as Chief Engineers! Picard..: Welllll.... Scotty..: Och, Captain, surely yer canna' be serious! Picard..: [Looking a bit miffed.] I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Kirk....: This is getting us nowhere. You're telling me that you are Captain Shirley... I mean Captain Picard of the Duck class... I mean Galaxy Class starship Enterprise, NCC-1701-D? Picard..: Enterprise-D, yes. Scotty..: [muttering to himself] D... that's about all I'd give it! Picard..: I beg your pardon? Scotty..: Och, nothing, sir. Data....: Captain, we have analysed their blood samples, retina scans and brain patterns. They are who they say there are. Picard..: Well in that case, it is indeed a pleasure to meet you Captain Kirk, Captain Spock, Commander McCoy and Captain Scott. McCoy...: Data... that's an unusual name. You don't look human. Are you an android? Data....: No, I'm a vegetable! Riker...: Data? Data....: Well, I'm getting sick of people asking me if I'm an android or not! Picard..: Data, you're using contractions! Data....: ... Sorry... It was the Brent Spiner part of me coming out there. Playing an android for 5 years is getting to me a bit. People don't recognise me as Brent any more... they only see Data. Spock...: Understandable. I could not get away from Spock while I became Leonard Nimoy. Once a Star Trek actor, always a Star Trek actor. You're only hope is to start directing like I did. Any other acting job is now useless. Riker...: Sirs, I hate to break this up, but what about Troi? Picard..: Oh yes. Well, we could just leave her there. I mean, we didn't need her anyway, and all she kept saying was "I feel paaaaaain" constantly. I don't know how we got assigned her anyway. What do you think Number One? Riker...: Well, she was good in bed..... Picard..: Hmmm.... Data? Data....: I am forced to agree with Commander Riker. Counsellor Troi is good in bed, but starships have done well without the use of counsellors before. It is only because of the women liberation movement that god... I mean Gene Roddenberry was forced to include women in higher positions on ST:TNG. We got rid of Tasha Yar, so as the expression goes, "why not get rid of two birds with one stone?" [*Ed's note: Please excuse the sexist remark there. It is entirely intentional.*] Riker...: Agreed. Picard..: That's it then. All we have to figure out now is a way of getting the Enterprise-A back to her own time. Kirk....: Well, all we need are some dilithium crystals from the planet's surface, but if you have a few spare... Picard..: Data, show Captain Spock and Captain Scott our engine room, and ask Lt. Commander LaForge to find a few spare dilithium crystals for them. Then they will be able to go home. Data....: Yes, sir. If you will follow me, gentlemen? [ Spock and Scotty leave with Data. ] Picard..: Well, I suppose we have to assign an acting Chief of Security first... Lt. Worf, please come in. Kirk....: Worf? Sounds like a... [ Worf enters the room. ] Kirk....: KLINGON NAME! Picard..: Lt. Worf, this is Captain... Worf....: KIRK! THERE SHALL BE NO PEACE AS LONG AS KIRK LIVES! Kirk....: This sounds damn familiar. Picard..: WORF, HEEL! [ Worf stops advancing on Kirk and growls. ] Picard..: Lt. Worf, Kirk started the Federation-Klingon peace treaty and prevented a major war in Star Trek VI:The Undiscovered Country. Your grandfather helped defend him *even though he failed*. Klingons honour him. Worf....: Sorry sir, I haven't seen Star Trek VI yet. My last holiday was on planet Earth, England. It hadn't come out there yet. Kirk....: Perhaps it is time to make peace? Worf....: Agreed. Live long and prosper, Kirk. From one warrior to another? Kirk....: Rrrright... *That sounds damn familiar.* Picard..: Then that's it. Another badly-scripted episode done. Let's hope this parody script-writer thinks of a better plot next time. Riker...: But, sir, if parody-writers like Eddie didn't exist, Star Trek fandom wouldn't be the fun and games it is. Picard..: I suppose you're correct. ----- END ========================================= PROMO ANNOUNCER: NEXT TIME ON AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES..... HOW COME KIRK GETS ALL THE GIRLS? Riker...: Damn you, sir, how do you do it? I've studied your thesis and techniques on it, but I know there's something you haven't revealed. Picard..: Yes, you must tell me. Ever since I failed organic chemistry because of "A.F.", girls have avoided me - what am I doing wrong? [ Cut to Beverly and Troi. ] Beverly.: Ohhhh, Jim..... Troi....: Ohhhh, Jim..... [ Cut to Riker and Picard. Their heads begin smoking in jealousy. Kirk smiles as Beverly and Troi jump into Kirk's bed together! ] Bev & Troi: How does a threesome sound...? Kirk......: Sounds good to me... FIND OUT KIRK'S SECRET NEXT TIME IN AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF STAAAAAR TREK:THE CONTINUING VOYAGES.