PARODY: Back To The Future, Part II Here is my followup to the Star Trek parody by Ryan Ma

PARODY: Back To The Future, Part II Here is my followup to the Star Trek parody by Ryan Matthews that I reposted last week. My sequel contains some of the same text used in its predecessor. These excerpts have been copied from Ryan's parody without permission. (Hey, what the hell, he didn't copyright it anyway!) Now that we've got the little disclaimer out of the way, on to the program. (which, by the way, is brought to you with no commercial interruptions! :) Back To The Future: The Next Generation Part II Copyright (c) 1991 by John Connelly ------------------------------------------------------------------- [Opening scene: shuttlebay. Wesley is there with the arrogant scientist Dr. Stubbs, from "Evolution". The two are examining a shuttlecraft. CRASH! A security team, led by Worf, enters the shuttlebay.] [Voice-over]: Last time on Staaaar Trek: The Next Generation.... Worf: Nevertheless, you're coming with us! Stubbs: You'll never take me alive you fascist- [Worf phasers him. The bolt knocks him into Wesley, who accidentally shoots the whole load of tricordrazine into his leg.] Wesley: KILLERS! MURDERERS! [He jumps in the shuttle and takes off, breaking the seal.] [Cut to external view. The Enterprise is gaining on the shuttle. Cut to shuttle interior. Wesley looks back and sees what's coming.] Wesley: So, that's how you want it, huh? FINE! Let's see if you bastards can do .9! [Wesley hits the gas and lurches back with the acceleration. Cut to external. The shuttle flares and vanishes, leaving a flaming trail through space.] [Scene: the conference room. Everyone is there, including Dr. Stubbs.] Beverly: You mean my son's floating out there, God-knows-when? Stubbs: Oh, I know when! The controls were set for 25 years ago! I'd say the worst he could do would be to wipe out his own existence. Beverly: Oh, no! Geordi: Now that you mention it, he's made a habit pulling of our butts out of the fire! Stubbs: Ooh, that's bad! If he disappears, the entire ship could go with him! [Cut to Beverly's bedroom of 25 years ago. Beverly is wrapping Wesley in bandages from head to toe as he awakens.] Beverly: Oh, wow, like, you're awake! I was, like, gettin' worried! Wesley: Mom? You look real young! [Cut to sky. A new shuttle arrives, much more in control, and makes a landing in a park. The shuttle door opens and Data, Riker, and Troi get out.] [A big teenage boy is threatening a less-muscular, yet strangely familiar-looking teenage boy. Big Boy beats the shit out of him] Data: I couldn't help noticing your predicament, young boy. Next time a bully confronts you, why don't you try getting in the first punch? Jean-Luc: You mean, actually hit him? Riker: C'mon Data, we have to find Wesley! [They walk off. Camera changes focus on Jean-Luc beating someone up in the background.] Jean-Luc: That's right, Jack, give me all your money, or I'll hit you some more. Wow! This hitting thing works even better against kids who *aren't* bullies! [Cut to close view of park at the bottom of the building. Troi, Riker, and Wesley are there, along with Beverly and Jack. Pan back. The shuttle has fallen out of the hole in the wall. It hits Beverly right on the head. Close up again. Jack runs to her as she regains consciousness.] Beverly: Oh Jack, you saved me! Jack: Uh, well...That's right! I saved you, that's the ticket! Beverly: My hero! I will marry you! I will! Riker: I think that's our cue to leave! [Troi, Riker, Data, and Wesley get in the shuttles and take off. The shuttles vanish as Jack and Beverly wave goodbye. Cut to present, the Enterprise bridge.] Worf: Two shuttles have appeared out of nowhere, sir! Picard: Excellent! It appears the mission was a success! Bring them aboard! Riker: Not only did we succeed, sir, but I think we did so without seriously changing history. Worf: Sir! Sensors detect a Romulan warbird approaching! Picard: Great! Blow it up!! Riker: Sir? Worf: Phasers and photon torpedos firing, sir! [Exterior shot. The warbird goes boom.] Picard: Ah, nothing like a good space battle to get the juices flowing! Picard to sickbay! I've just blown up a Romulan warbird, and you know what that means! Beverly: Oh, God! Yes! Picard: Well, if you'll excuse me, I've some business to take care of. [Makes eyebrows at Riker.] Number One, you have the con. Riker: Of course, I could be wrong. ------------------------------------------------------------------- [Fade to a *slightly altered* opening sequence. Picard voice-over] Space, the final frontier... These are the voyages of the warship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: To exploit strange, new worlds; to seek out and destroy new life and new civilizations; to boldly lay claim on what no one has claimed before... ------------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene: Exterior view of the Enterprise in orbit around Earth.] Riker: [voice-over] First officer's personal log, Stardate 45702.3. While the Enterprise awaits completion of repairs to the holodeck and replicators, I have made a few discreet inquiries into Captain Picard's service record, which turned up some very disturbing results. I have ordered Commander Data to furtively compare all Starfleet records of the past 25 years with those already stored in his memory, and to report to me in my quarters along with Counselor Troi upon his completion. [Cut to Riker's quarters. Riker is chewing vigorously on some raw spaghetti and slurping down a can of raw baked beans as he stares pensively at his viewscreen. The doorchime rings.] Riker: Come! [Data and Troi enter. Troi is wearing a disturbed look, as usual] Riker: Data. Troi. Come in, please. Captain Picard? Troi: Dr. Crusher has him, er, occupied at the moment. Riker: Good. Report, Mr. Data? Data: [whispers] Sir, are your quarters secure? Riker: Hang on... [To the air] Computer! Dixieland, programs one and two, volume level 15; begin. Computer: [pause] But these go to 11. Riker: Sorry. Volume 8. Begin. [Jazz music fills the room.] Proceed, Commander Data. Data: Very well, sir. Your speculations regarding the captain are correct, commander. He's not the man-- Riker: What did you say, Data? Data: I said, he is not the man he was before the away team went back to the past. Riker: Oh... [Puzzled, he rubs his beard, glaring at Data.] Data: In fact, the Federation is not the way it was when we left. It seems we are now at war with the Romulans, and have been for the last 18 years. Riker: My god... Data: It all began with an unprovoked attack on a Romulan cruiser near the Neutral Zone, by the U.S.S. Stargazer. Riker: Picard's first command. Data: Yes sir. He did not quit with that one cruiser, either, sir. While on the same three-month patrol of the Neutral Zone, his vessel initiated attacks against four other Romulan vessels, including one of their old Birds of Prey. Riker: One Constellation-class vessel against a Bird of Prey? Was he out of his mind? Troi: Not according to Starfleet medical records, Will. But you can probably guess who wrote *those* medical logs... Riker: [grumbles] Dr. Crusher. Data: Yes sir. Your cursory inquiries into Starfleet records may have led you to believe it was Capt. Picard and Dr. Crusher alone who were responsible for the changes in the timeline. But it appears that the success of Capt. Picard's solo campaigns against the Romulans, combined with the Romulans' belligerent reprisals, led many high-ranking Starfleet officials to feel that declaring war would be in the best interests of the Federation. Troi: And it has been Captain Picard who has led the charge in all the most successful battles of the past 18 years. Data: This is true, sir. The Romulan high command says it will not rest until Captain Picard is dead. Riker: Hmmm... Troi: [accusingly] And Commander Data knows why, don't you commander? Riker: [wheels around on Data] You do? Data: Commander, I would hypothesize that all of these events are an indirect result of some advice I gave, while we were in the past, to a young boy we believe to have been Jean-Luc Picard. Riker: Are you serious? Troi: Yes, Will. It seems that Mr. Data saw the young man being beat up by a bully near Beverly's apartment complex, and he gave this young man, our future captain, some advice. Riker: You mean that little wimpy kid was Picard?! What the hell did you *tell* him, Data? Data: I advised him to, well, when confronted with a bully, to, er-- Riker: To WHAT?!?! Data: To throw the first punch, sir. Riker: Oh my god... You mean *YOU* are responsible for Picard's unsolicited attacks against the Romulans? Data: [pause] It would seem so, sir. Riker: Why, I oughtta -- [Someone else rings the doorchime] Riker: Come! [Guinan rushes in] Guinan: Commander, something's not right with the ship. It just doesn't feel right. The captain doesn't seem right. I can't explain it. All I know is, we're not supposed to be at war! Riker: Um... Guinan, have you mentioned this to the captain? Guinan: What? Are you nuts?! He didn't believe me the *last* time it happened; why would he believe me now? Troi: She has a point, Will. I feel that Captain Picard-- Riker: Yeah, yeah, we all know what you feel. Well, then, there's only one thing we can do. We've got to go back and prevent Data from finding the young Picard. Guinan: Why not just go back a few days and prevent Wesley from leaving in the shuttlecraft in the first place? Riker: What?! After putting in so much work on this parody already? I'll lead a minimal away team. Mr. Data, you're with me. Data: Commander, I must point out that while I am an excellent driver-- er, shuttle pilot, only Dr. Stubbs fully understands the dynamics of the shuttles' time-travel capabilities-- Riker: Very well, hes with us. [taps comm pin] Dr. Stubbs, report to Transporter Room 3. Immediately! Troi: What about me? Riker: We'll need you as a diversion, Deanna. Just before we're about to leave, you'll need to distract Lt. Worf, so the shuttle's departure will go unnoticed. Troi: And how shall I do that? Riker: Oh, just bust another suspender while you're on the bridge, and let nature take its course. And make sure Captain Picard is still "occupied" with Dr. Crusher at the time! Data, let's go. [They leave Troi alone in Riker's quarters. But it's probably not the first time.] Troi: [grumbles] Well, at least *someone* may become aroused by this blasted bikini! [She leaves.] [Cut to shuttlebay. Stubbs is waiting impatiently. Riker and Data enter] Stubbs: What's the big idea, calling me out of 10-Forward to just stand around here, twiddling my thumbs? Riker: Your little "modifications" to our shuttlecraft have caused history to be altered! So *you* are gonna help us correct it! Stubbs: What the hellarya talkin' about? Riker: When we went back to rescue Crusher's little brat from his little tricordrazine mishap, Data did something which ultimately led us to war with the Romulans. Stubbs: Ah, so we're *not* supposed to be at war, then. That's what the bartender kept telling me. I thought maybe she was wearing her hat a bit too tight or something, but... Ok, then, let's go. Data: Remember, Commander and Doctor; we must be careful not to encounter our other selves while we are in the past. Stubbs: Yes, yellowman's got a point. That could be disastrous. We'll need to time this exactly right. Riker: [taps comm pin] Ensign Crusher, what were the time circuits set for when you went back to the past? Wesley: [voice-over] Well, the tricordrazine had me pretty wasted, sir. But it should be recorded in the shuttle's log. Data: As should our own arrival time in the second shuttle's log, sir. Riker: Good. Let's take the second shuttle, then. Data, set the time controls for 20 minutes prior to our previous arrival. Data: Aye, sir. [He enters the shuttlecraft, along with Stubbs.] Riker: [taps comm pin] Deanna, now! [Cut to the bridge. The only ones on duty are Worf, a young male ensign at ops, another one at the conn, and two idiots at the stations behind Worf's tactical position. Counselor Troi is there, too, though one could hardly say she is *ever* on *duty*. She rises from her seat.] Troi: Mr. Worf? Worf: What is it?! Troi: [begins stroking her own thighs] It's awfully cold in here. Worf: Then put some real clothes on! Troi: What, you don't like my bikini-suspenders? [The cold is showing.] Worf: No. They do nothing for me. Troi: Hmph. Well, maybe they do something for the young ensigns. [Troi turns around and heaves her chest, and her right suspender breaks. The two young men, who have been watching the spectacle with great interest, leap from their posts and jump her.] Worf: Stop it! Return to your posts!! Troi: [faking screams of ecstasy] Oh shut up, Worf; you had your chance! Worf: I said RETURN TO YOUR POSTS!! [He leaps from behind tactical to physically remove the young ensigns, who put up a good fight.] Troi: [taps comm pin on her other suspender, whispers] Will... NOW! [Cut to shuttle interior.] Riker: Go, Data! [Data punches it to full impulse, clears the bay force field, then begins to accelerate to the proper speed for time travel. But the shuttle begins to wobble just before reaching the critical speed. The shuttle vanishes with a flaming trail.] ------------ [Scene: Earth, circa 25 years ago. The shuttle arrives, slightly out of control, but makes a controlled landing nonetheless.] Riker: What happened, Data? Data: [whips out his tricorder] Scanning... Sir, it appears that significant amounts of a toxic gas were injected into the cabin moments before the time circuits engaged, throwing off the circuits and the guidance system as well. [Examines tricorder readings] Did either of you eat any baked beans today? Stubbs: What? Riker: Uh, never mind, Data. Check your chronometer reading. Did we arrive on time? Data: No, sir. The guidance failure has thrown us off, and we arrived a little later than planned. I will encounter the young Picard only minutes from now. Stubbs: Oh, great. Now what? Riker: We've *got* to prevent that encounter, Data! Data: [pause] I believe I can still accomplish our mission, sir. I must use the emergency shuttle transporter. Stubbs: Wait... *what* shuttle transporter?! Data: The one we introduced in "The Best Of Both Worlds, Part II". Stubbs: Oh.... Riker: Data, whatever you're up to, it'd better work! Data: [straps a transceiver to his arm] Commander, lock onto this armband and beam me back in exactly 2.3 minutes if you receive no signal from me. [Riker nods] Energize. [Cut to the ground, not far from the shuttle. A big teenage boy is threatening a less-muscular, yet strangely familiar-looking teenage boy.] Big Boy: I don't like you froggy exchange students! I think I'll beat you up! How do you like them apples! Other Boy: Well, mister, I don't take threats lightly! Here is a warning shot! [Takes a swing about two inches in front of the kid's face.] There! That will teach you not to mess with Jean-Luc-- [Big Boy beats the shit out of him. As the Data from the previous episode (Data1) approaches the young Picard, he notices a transporter materialization beam directly behind him, and turns around, startled.] Data1: [puzzled] Lore, is that you? Data2: I was about to ask you the same question. Are you Lore? Data1: No, I am Data. Data2: Well, so am I. Data1: Then you must be me. Intriguing. You must have travelled back in time *again*; otherwise, this could not happen. Do you wish to assist me in helping that poor boy over there? He has been beat up. Data2: [pause] Wait! Only one of us is in the proper time continuum! Data1: Which one? Data2: [pause] Me! It's me! Data1: [puzzled] How can you be certain? Data2: Because... Look! [Data2 points to the sky. After so distracting Data1, he reaches over and pinches his neck. Data1 falls. Data2 then touches his fingers to one of Data1's temples.] Data2: [whispers] "Forget..." [Stands up, looking satisfied] I shall remember to thank that elderly admiral from "Encounter at Farpoint" for telling me how to do that. [Data2 touches his armband and dissolves in a transporter beam. Cut to the ground outside the young Beverly's apartment, where the young Jack Crusher has just run to her aid after her head injury.] Beverly: Oh Jack, you saved me! Jack: Uh, well...That's right! I saved you, that's the ticket! Beverly: My hero! I will marry you! I will! Riker: I think that's our cue to leave! Jack: How can I ever thank you guys? Riker: Just get her good and pregnant. Jack: I'll do my best, sir! [Cut to the interior of Data2's shuttle.] Data: Commander, the two shuttles have just taken off. Riker: Good, right on schedule. Prepare to launch our shuttle, and follow their course. But stay out of sensor range! Data: Aye, sir. Riker: Dr. Stubbs, upon our return to the Enterprise, you will dismantle all three shuttles-- Data: There are only two shuttles, sir. Riker: Oh... [rubs his beard] Well, whatever. You'll dismantle them, and then you will be thrown in the brig until we can deliver you to the nearest Starbase for a hearing. Stubbs: To hell with that, buddy! I'm goin' to Disneyland! [Stubbs grabs Riker's phaser and Data's armband, sets the transporter controls for Wesley and Troi's shuttle, and beams over to it. Cut to Wesley's beat-up shuttle. He and Troi are shocked to see Dr. Stubbs materializing in their cabin.] Stubbs: [pointing his phaser] Get out of the chair, boy! Uncle Stubbs is gonna take us all on a little joyride. Let's see, what would be a good baseball series to watch? Hmmm... I know! The 1990 National League East pennant race. The Pittsburgh Pirates and the New York Mets. Now *that* was some *baseball*! Go get 'em Buccos! [Sets time controls for late August, 1990 AD] Wesley: But, but... ! Stubbs: Shut up, geek! Troi: Dr. Stubbs, I can feel your hostil-- Stubbs: Shut up, bitch! [Shuttle accelerates, then disappears, leaving the characteristic trail of flames. So does Data1's shuttle, with Riker1 aboard. Cut back to Data2 and Riker2's shuttle.] Riker: Damn! He's on Wesley's shuttle. Data: Sir, although Dr. Stubbs intended to alter their destination, both shuttles engaged their time circuits at precisely the same instants as they did before. I believe it's safe to as-- Riker: What did you just say? Data: I said, I believe it is safe to assume that his change failed to register, and that both shuttles are, therefore, headed back to the future. Dr. Stubbs will simply arrive there ahead of time. Riker: [rubs beard, puzzled again] Very well, Data. Let's follow them back. [Their shuttle accelerates to warp .88 and vanishes in trails of flame.] ------------ [Scene: the Enterprise bridge, where both Wesley's and Troi's chairs have been replaced with planters. Just as a sudden flash of light registers on the tactical display, a rather harried-looking Dr. Crusher stomps out of the turbolift] Worf: Captain, the shuttlecraft has reappeared and is signalling for landing procedures. Picard: Very well, Lieutenant. Bring them aboard. Beverly: So exactly *where* is my son NOW? Picard: [genuinely surprised] Doctor, what are you talking about? You don't have a son. Beverly: Oh, yeah? That's not what Guinan tells me! She says he's the young ensign who sits at the helm! And what are these plants doing here, anyway? Picard: Doctor, those plants were *your* recommendation! Beverly: But Guinan tells me the ship's counselor sits where you've got that rhododendron! Picard: What?! Since when does the ship's counselor have a place on the bridge?!? [The turbolift doors open. Riker and Data step out, and are surprised by the flora adorning the bridge.] Riker: Captain, uh, where's Ensign Crusher? Picard: Oh, no, not *you*, too?! Was your mission a success? Riker: Um, sir, have you destroyed any Romulan battlecruisers lately? Picard: Of course not! Have *all* my senior officers gone mad? Data: Captain, have you, er... [Glances furtively at Dr. Crusher, who is looking angrily at Picard] Uh... never mind, sir. We succeeded. Riker: Wait... where's Deanna? Picard: Deanna *who*? Riker: You remember! Your ship's counselor? The one with the big tits? Picard: Number One, you know our ship's counselor is a Deltan male! And his name isn't Deanna, it's *Butch*! Riker: [Under his breath] "Butch", "bitch"; the similarity is uncanny. Data: Ensign Crusher is missing, as is Counselor Troi. Intriguing. Captain, Commander, Doctor: I believe I have an explanation. All: [in unison] WHAT IS IT?! Data: Dr. Stubbs escaped from our custody moments before Wesley and Deanna's shuttle was to go back to the future. He beamed himself onto their shuttle. Riker: Yeah, he yelled something about going to "Disneyland". Data: Correct. But once aboard the other shuttle, he muttered through his armband something about watching the 1990 National League East pennant race. Thus, it would appear, doctor, that Dr. Stubbs has taken your son, and Counselor Troi, to the 20th century to attend a baseball game. Beverly: Baseball? Data: Yes, doctor. As in "the great American pastime"; "hotdogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet"; "buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, I don't care if I ever get bac--" Beverly: DATA! Picard: Doctor-- Beverly, please settle down. Mr. Data, if what you're saying is true, then Dr. Stubbs took them to a time and place almost four centuries ago. Before any of them were even born! So why are they not here? Why is there no record of Dr. Crusher's mythical son or a Counselor Deanna? Data: It would seem that someone, perhaps they themselves or Dr. Stubbs, has somehow ensured that they would never be born. Riker: [ribs Data] Now, just who would want to do that, I wonder? Data: [ribs him back] Perhaps they all realized the galaxy would be better off that way, sir? Beverly: DATA! WILL! Jean-Luc?! Picard: Ok, enough of this! [Taps comm pin] Mr. LaForge? Geordi: Yes, captain? Picard: Prepare for full warp power on my command. Geordi: Aye, sir. Picard: Mr. Data, call up the necessary equations for the slingshot effect. Data: [puzzled] But, captain, there are no recorded instances of a Galaxy-class starship ever attempting time travel using the slingshot effect. Thus, there are no predetermined equations for us to use. Picard: Well, then, derive the equations yourself, and feed them into the navigational computer! Data: Aye, sir. Processing... Riker: [to intercom] All hands, secure all stations for full-power warp maneuvers. All non-essential personnel report to your quarters. Data: Equations computed, sir. Transferring to conn. Geordi: [voice-over] Braking thrusters ready on your command, captain. Picard: Thank you, Mr. LaForge. Riker: Take us out of Earth orbit, Mr. Data. Set a course for the sun, one-half impulse power, then engage computerized warp navigation once we're clear of Mercury. Picard: [to intercom] All hands, this is the captain. Stand by. [pause] We're going to Disneyland... [The Enterprise cruises past Venus, then Mercury, headed toward the sun. It then warps around the sun, disappearing behind its corona.] TO BE CONTINUED...?? (but certainly NOT by *me*!) :-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-: | John Connelly, 511 LRDC | connelly@unix.cis.pitt.edu |"Klingon sons, you've | | University of Pgh |=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+| killed my bastard!" | | Pittsburgh, PA 15260 | CONNELLY@Pittvms.BITNET | --STIII (almost) | :-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-:_:-: