Back to the Future: the Next Generation Part Two By Dave Learn [This is a continuation of

Back to the Future: the Next Generation Part Two By Dave Learn [This is a continuation of an earlier parody by Ryan Matthews. It may be easier to follow this if you have read the original. I have retained the closing scene of Ryan's parody to smooth the transition. The bridge crew is in their rightful positions. Wesley looks pulverized, for some reason.] Picard: I must say, it is good to have you all back. Even you, Wesley. How did you enjoy gym class today? Wesley: (high voice) Oh fine sir, invigorating! Riker: Not only did we succeed, sir, but I think we did so without seriously changing history. Worf: Sir! Sensors detect a Romulan warbird approaching! Picard: Great! Blow it up!! Riker: Sir? Worf: Phasers and photon torpedoes firing, sir! [Exterior shot. The warbird explodes.] Picard: Ah, nothing like a good space battle to get the juices flowing! Picard to sickbay! I've just blown up a Romulan warbird, and you know what that means! Crusher: Oh, yes! Picard: Well, if you'll excuse me, I've some business to take care of. (Makes eyebrows at Riker.) Number One, you have the conn. Worf: Sir, you are the best captain in Star Fleet! Picard: Thank you, Worf. Carry on. [Picard leaves.] Riker: Of course, I could be wrong. [Later, in the shuttlebay, Wesley and Dr Stubbs are talking as they stand outside one of Stubbs' time-travelling shuttles.] Wesley: So you're going into the future another twenty-five years? Stubbs: Yes, hopefully the baseball negotiations will have made some progress by then and I can watch the Mets annihilate the Pirates. Wesley: But what about Captain Picard? He's become so militaristic ever since we travelled into the past. It almost seems like "Yesterday's Enterprise." Stubbs: Yes, it is unfortunate that he destroyed Omicron Ceti Four when they wouldn't give him the tribute, but life goes on. You'll have to rehabilitate him yourself. I'm off to the future. Wesley: Can you do me a favor, Dr Stubbs? Stubbs: I suppose so, boy. What is it? Wesley: Look me up in the future. Stubbs: (aside) There goes my hope of getting from this brat. (to Wesley) Of course. I wouldn't want to forget to remind you of my great genius. Well, goodbye, Wesley. See you in twenty-five years. [Stubbs boards the shuttle and launches, quickly accelerating to .88 impulse, at which point all semblance of physics is destroyed because he is not only time travelling, he is setting a substantial amount of vacuum on fire.] Wesley: Good. Now that he's gone, I can be the smartest person on the Enterprise. [There is a burst of flame as the shuttle reappears outside the airlock where it vanished and comes crashing in, narrowly missing Wesley. Stubbs climbs out, dazed.] Wesley: Dr Stubbs, what is it? What's wrong? Stubbs: Wrong? Everything is wrong. Baseball is back, but the Pirates actually beat the Mets! I can't believe it! Wesley: What about me? Did you see me? [Stubbs shudders and grows pale at the memory.] Stubbs: Yes, I saw you. Horrible. It was absolutely horrible. Wesley: What's wrong? Did I become a nerd? Stubbs: Become a nerd? Become? Wesley, you've been a nerd all your life. No, it's even worse--you're more famous than me. Nobody remembers the great Dr Stubbs. I've been overshadowed by Wesley Crusher. Once you passed puberty, you solved every problem known to the Federation. It was horrible. You invented sixty-seven new lifeforms, sixty-two of which were sentient. You discovered the perpetual motion machine, cured the common cold, and stabilized David Marcus' Genesis device. Horrible! They even changed the name of the Daystrom Institute to the Wesley Crusher Institute. Wesley: I did all that? Stubbs: Wait, it gets worse. You saved the Earth from destruction even more than James Kirk did, and without losing any redshirts. When you turned twenty, Star Fleet gave you the command of the Enterprise, and you singlehandedly saved it from destruction seventy-two times in your first month of command. The Federation commissioned a new class of starships, the Wesley Class Starships, and the first one built was named the USS Crusher. Horrible. Wesley: Wow! Wait till Mom hears about this! I might even get an extra serving of ice cream tonight! Stubbs: Wesley, you've got to help me save my reputation! Wesley: Well, gee, Dr Stubbs, how could I do that? Stubbs: Travel back to the future with me. You still look like an insolent little whelp twenty-five years from now, so if people see you walking around with me, I'll become famous by association. Wesley: Well, OK. [They climb aboard the shuttle and go to the future. They park the shuttle in San Francisco and get out. As they walk along, they are met by an old beggar with no hair and tattered clothes.] Beggar: Eh? Give a credit for a former starship captain, sir? Stubbs: Just ignore him, Wesley. Wesley: What ship did you used to command, sir? Beggar: Ah, the Enterprise. I was the best captain since the days of James Kirk. Until that little jerk came along and stole my thunder. I knew I should have let the people kill him back during "Justice." Little nerd. Wesley: "Justice?" Hey, I was supposed to be executed back in that episode. Beggar: Eh? What was that? Wesley: That was me, I think. Who are you? Beggar: My name's Jean-Luc Picard, sir. Wait! You--you-- you're Wesley Crusher! No! Leave me alone! Get him away from me! AIGH! [The aged Picard runs for his life, screaming about how Wesley made him look bad by saving the ship all the time and finally ruined his relationship with Bev.] Wesley: Gosh, I did that? Wow! That sure makes up for all the times he called me "boy." Hey, what's this? A used android shop? Good grief! DATA!! [Data is standing in a window display case, marked "For Sale, used. $1.99.] Data: Wesley? Wesley: What happened to you? Data: Ever since you surpassed Dr Soongh's work, Star Fleet decided I was obsolete. Wesley: Gosh! [Stubbs and Wesley continue to walk around, as Stubbs' picture is taken with Wesley and his name becomes a little more well-known. Our main interest is in the embittered Picard, who is wandering around in a daze.] Picard: That was Stubbs! If I remember correctly, he had a time-travelling shuttle. He must have brought it here from the past. If I find it, I might be able to do Wesley in! Heh heh heh. [Picard goes to the library, picks up copies of the past fifty years' stock market reports, and finds Stubbs' shuttle. He gets in and warps back in time, setting fire to the water, and since he did .88 impulse in the atmosphere, makes one heck of a sonic boom and creates a major atmospheric disturbance which pulls down the Golden Gate Bridge and several buildings.] Wesley: Gosh, what was that? Stubbs: Someone must have stolen the shuttle! Quick! Let's get back to it! [They run through the rubble-littered streets and find the shuttle exactly where they left it. Unseen by them, Picard staggers out, has a heart attack, and falls into a nearby alley.] Wesley: Nope. See? Here it is. Must have just been a freak gale. Maybe Riker farted. Stubbs: Hmmm. That could explain it. Well, Wesley, thanks for being seen with me. That should help my reputation considerably. Let's go back to the twenty-fourth century. [As they arrive, Wesley turns on the radio.] Radio: . . . is the newest attraction at Picardworld. Picardworld was built by his Excellency, Jean-Luc Picard, the First Citizen of the Federation. Emperor Picard first gained the notice of Federation citizens when he continued to buy and sell stocks with unprecedented success. At the age of twenty-five he was admitted to Star Fleet in respect to his affluence. Two years later he married his childhood sweetheart, Beverly Crusher, who had been recently widowed when her husband died in a tragic fishing accident-- Wesley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stubbs: Hmmm . . . this could undo all the progress I made earlier--or is it later?--in salvaging my reputation. If Picard is Emperor of the Federation, chances are that you're not too popular. Wesley: But how could this have happened? The Federation never had an emperor before! And Dad died in the Fleet! Stubbs: Shut up, Wesley, I'm trying to think this through. Now if I turn you in to Emperor Picard, he'll probably be grateful enough to name a planet after me. Sure, maybe "Planet Stubbs," or . . . Wesley: Dr Stubbs, we've got to do something! Stubbs: Oh, all right. Tap into the ethernet, see what else has changed. Wesley: (working furiously) It says that Captain, I mean Emperor Picard led Star Fleet in a successful campaign against the Romulan Empire and also helped to subjugate the Ferengi to the Federation. Oh geez. We've got to do something. Stubbs: How could this have happened? Eh? What's this? That old beggar's hat? Picard must have stolen the shuttle and tipped his earlier self off on the stock market. Wesley, we've got to find out what day he entered the past and stop him. Wesley: How? Stubbs: I've got a plan. You may get killed, but better you than me. [Later, in the throne room of the Most Excellent and Glorious Emperor of the Federation . . .] Picard: (at least as fat as Riker was) Hahaha. That Kirk! Look, he left the Klingons in the transporter! Hahaha! We should do that to Worf sometime, just for kicks! Wesley: Hey, Captain Lardball--funtime's over. Picard: Captain? Captain? Who dares to call me "Captain?" I'm Emperor Lardball to you--Wesley! Were you kicked off another garbage scow? Wesley: I'm here to talk about the newspapers. Picard: (serious) You're right. Fun time's over. You know, Weaselly, when my future self told me to watch out for some geeky nerd, I had a feeling it would be you. I should have offed you when I had the chance. You're not getting into this safe without a fight, you nerd. [Picard pulls a phaser and fires it at Wesley. Wesley ducks barely in time, and Picard's phaser volley hits the mirror behind Wesley, ricocheting into the safe and blasting the newspaper stock reports to bits. Wesley taps his communicator, and signals Stubbs, who drives through the wall.] Wesley: When? What date did you meet your future self? Picard: (weakly) Same day Data taught me to fight. [Wesley climbs on board the shuttle, and he and Stubbs fly back twenty-five years where the young Picard takes a warning shot at a bully.] Picard: There! That will teach you not to mess with Jean- Luc-- [The bully beats the snot out of him, and Data comes forward to give Jean-Luc a piece of advice.] Stubbs: Data! No! [Stubbs rabbit punches Data, shutting him off at a crucial moment in history, thereby undoing the beginning of this parody. Hey, life's tough all around.] Picard: What was he going to say? Wesley: He was, uh, going to congratulate you on not wanting to hurt the bully, and was, uh, going to encourage you to keep on being nice. And he was going to suggest giving seconds on dessert to all the acting ensigns who would serve under you if you ever became a starship captain. Picard: Oh. OK. [Picard leaves.] Stubbs: There! Look! Wesley: Wow! The sky's on fire! Stubbs: That must be the old Picard! We've got to stop him! [They run to where Picard has landed the shuttle. As he emerges, he sees Wesley and drops the newspaper stock reports in shock.] Picard: No! Not here, too! Aigh! [He falls back into the shuttle, and returns to the future to get away from Wesley as a heart attack sets in from the shock. Wesley phasers the stock reports.] Stubbs: Well, that's that. I'm leaving. Wesley: OK. Bye. [Stubbs returns to his shuttle, accidentally bumping the time controls so that they reset for 1885 and leaves, congratulating himself on stranding Wesley in the past where he'll hopefully be mugged and left for dead.] Wesley: Hey, wait a second! How am I supposed to get out of here? [Riker and crew are loading into the shuttle to return to the Enterprise. Wesley sneaks on board with them.] Riker: Wesley? Aren't you going back with Data? Wesley: Uh no, sir. I figured Data would probably be happier without me. Riker: So would we. That's why I told you to go back with him. Oh well. Let's go. [The two shuttles time warp back to the Enterprise, and Wesley quickly ducks out of sight to avoid being seen by his earlier counterpart. The next day, he finds a message in his private quarters. He reads it.] Wesley, I seem to be stuck in nineteenth century America. The time machine broke down and I can't get out of here. I hate it. Come and get me. Stubbs Wesley: Well, heck. Why not? As long as I'm back by supper time . . . TO BE CONTINUED . . . ------------------------------------------------------------------- The author of this parody happily waives any copyrights pertaining to this Star Trek parody. Feel free to add or remove text as you see appropriate, but please keep it clean.