GALACTICA vs ENTERPRISE, chapter 4 of 6

The story at this moment:  due to bizarre applications of poorly understood
physics principles vaguely remembered by this author, the Enterprise, in two
pieces, and a Romulan vessel are hurtling toward each other.  At the last
minute, Wesley's save-the-ship plan is implemented to avoid certain death.
There is an incredible crashing, the very stars seem to shake, and people are
knocked all over the place.  And this is just on the Galaga^H^Hctica.  On board
the Enterprise, in the secondary hull, it feels like the entire ship has just
been fed through a food processor.

Things stop shaking, the normal lights start to come back on, and people pick
themselves up again, very slowly.

PICARD: So, we survived.
DATA: So it would appear.
PICARD: Damage report?
RIKER: We could save some time by asking for a report on things that still
 work.
WORF: Not so.  Most of our systems are operational.  It's just the crew that
 took a beating.
GEORDI: Sir?  Sensor readings are different outside now.
DATA: It would appear we did indeed break the temporal barrier.
PICARD: How is the primary hull?
GEORDI: Drifting not far away.
PICARD: What about the Romulan ship?  Are they still after us?
GEORDI: Checking... sir, the Romulan ship appears to have sustained heavy
 structural damage to the rear.  A large part of their drive system is knocked
 in, and their power is way down!
PICARD: How did that happen?
WORF: Umm, er...
PICARD: Worf?
WORF: I jettisoned some large, heavy cargo pods just before our maneuver.
 Since they didn't warp away like we did, they struck the Romulan dead-on.
PICARD: Excellent work, Worf.
WORF: You approve??
PICARD: Just this once.
WORF: Gee.  So that's what it feels like.
GEORDI: Captain!  The Romulans are firing torpedoes at us!
WORF: Hmm, that wouldn't be so bad if our shields weren't dead.
PICARD: So we're going to die anyway?

The Enterprise shudders a little bit.

GEORDI: They got us.
PICARD: A direct hit on no shields, and we just shuddered a little bit?
DATA: Interesting.  We appear to now be in a SEPARATE temporal boundary from
 the Romulan vessel.  How convenient for us.
PICARD: This is too weird.  Can anybody destroy us at the moment?
DATA: It seems unlikely.
PICARD: Fine.  Let's get damage control parties going, let's link up our two
 hulls again and get that idiot Vader off the bridge, and let's get those
 drinks served I was talking about.  If anybody can see straight afterwards
 we'll have another meeting of the heads of staff.
RIKER: I like this plan.

On board the Battleaxe Galactica, meanwhile, pieces of the puzzle, formerly
theorized only by Data, but now required to be understood by the Galactica
bridge crew in order for the plot to progress in a direction remotely approach-
ing forward, begin to be understood.

ADAMA: I don't know what sort of battle the Federation and Romulan ships are
 used to, but it looks suspiciously like playing Chicken.
TIGH: Commander, sir.  Mr. Wizard to speak with you.
ADAMA: Oh, yes?  Send him in.
MR. WIZARD: Hello, Commander.  I have some theories to share with you for the
 purpose of advancing the plot.
ADAMA: Very good.  Er... who are you again?
MR. WIZARD: I'm the guy who synchronized all two trillion CRTs on this bridge
 to flicker in sync.
ADAMA: Ah, another genius.  Tell me, can you do something about Muffit?  He
 keeps leaving cyber-droppings in the halls, see, and--
MR. WIZARD: That's a different wizard.  Shut up and pay attention.
ADAMA: Sorry.
MR. WIZARD: Our ships here are surrounded by temporal extensions of our own
 place in the universe into this place.  The alien ships were not playing
 Chicken; their attempts to stretch the temporal boundaries too far caused
 them to be hurled back together, and may indeed have shattered the temporal
 boundaries surrounding their ships.
ADAMA: Why, thank you.
MR. WIZARD: Not at all.
ADAMA: Guards, take this man off the bridge and throw him in a small room with
 Boxey until he talks straight.
MR. WIZARD: No, wait!  This is plot!  You need this!  Aaaaaaaahhhhh.....
ADAMA: That's rid of him.  Tigh, what do we do now?
TIGH: No idea, sir.
ADAMA: Okay.  Let's talk to the Romulans.  Rig the cannon for communications.
TIGH: Got it.
ADAMA: Attention, Romulan vessel Garg'zunthicht.  Please respond.
ROMULAN COMMANDER: (gag, ack) This is the Garg'zunthicht.  Whaddya want?
ADAMA: You appear to have had your ship's butt royally kicked.  Do you require
 assistance?
ROMULAN COMMANDER: No, no, that's fine.  We're all fine here.  No real damage.
ADAMA: Yeah, well on our sensors your engines are trashed and your power
 readings are fading.  Boy did you guys get slammed.
ROMULAN COMMANDER: No, really, everything's fine.  We're just conserving our
 strength.
ADAMA: Yeah, sure looks like you'll need all the strength you can conserve
 just to get that bucket moved.
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Really.  Nothing wrong here.
ADAMA: I understand, you must be used to having the back half of your ship
 reduced to compost.
ROMULAN COMMANDER: All RIGHT already!  We suffered SOME damage.  That cursed
 Federation ship.  We'll blow them away momentarily.
ADAMA: Like, when you get one of your weapons rebuilt?
ROMULAN COMMANDER: If I could get my hands on you... er, listen, ally: why
 don't you shoot at the Enterprise some for a while, just for grins?
ADAMA: Righty ho, good enough for me.  Tigh, fire something at the Enterprise.
TIGH: For all the good it'll do...  Firing.  ...Commander!
ADAMA: What?
TIGH: Look!  We did damage that time!  We blasted a nice hole in part of the
 round saucer!
ADAMA: Our weapons are working now!
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Shoot again!
ADAMA: Listen, we can probably figure THAT out on our own.
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Well, don't talk!  Blast them!  Destroy the Earth ship!
ADAMA: Right!  Tigh, prepare to THE EARTH SHIP???!!!
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Er, hello?
ADAMA: Did you say, Earth ship??
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Uh... yes.  I did say that.  Why?
ADAMA: We're related to them!  That's our colony!  We've been looking for them
 for yahrens!  They're our friends!  --YIKES, what's happening?
TIGH: Sir, our new-found friends just put a torpedo in one of our launch bays.
 Shields were only partially effective; I think we'll be needing new paint in
 that section.
ADAMA: Wait!  They're FAMILY!  Why are they shooting at us?
TIGH: Because we've been shooting at them since we met?  That's just a guess.
ADAMA: Well, let's explain things!  Aim that communications cannon their way.
TIGH: Yes sir.  ...uh, maybe that wasn't a good idea.  We're melting their
 hull now.
ADAMA: Whoops.  Turn it off.
TIGH: Yes, sir.  Enterprise firing again.  ...well, so much for THAT shield.
ADAMA: We've got to let them know we're friendly!
TIGH: You mean, before we let them blow us out of the sky.
ADAMA: Right!  Oh.  What can we do to communicate?
TIGH: Shoot at the Romulans?
ADAMA: Right!  Good thinking!  Open fire on them!
TIGH: Firing.  Sir, our weapons don't appear to be affecting them, though.
ADAMA: Doesn't matter!  Keep firing!  Launch our fighters, away from the
 Enterprise, and have the rest of the fleet pull back.  If the Enterprise
 doesn't realize we're changing alliances, we're probably cooked.
TIGH: Sir, the Council of the Twelve is on the line, requesting access to the
 escape pods.
ADAMA: Do you think we can trick them into the torpedo tubes instead?
TIGH: Doubtful.  They caught on last time we tried that.
ADAMA: Well, then respectfully tell them they can get fried with the rest of
 us.  Do you think the Enterprise is catching on yet?
TIGH: I don't know.  I imagine they're probably pretty confused right now.

PICARD: I must say, I'm pretty confused right now.  What do you suppose is
 happening?
WORF: I don't know, sir, but they must realize they could destroy us while our
 shields are ineffective.  They certainly put a hole in the primary hull.
RIKER: Let's blast them.  We know we're hurting THEM, now.
DATA: Interesting.  Apparently our ships burst out of OUR temporal boundary
 and into THEIRS.
GEORDI: I wouldn't suggest provoking them to attack us again, sir.  Not while
 our shields are still a mess and we haven't regained the primary hull.
TROI: Captain, I sense a great deal of tension on the Galaga.
PICARD: Galactica.
TROI: Whatever.  It seems like they have suddenly realized some mistake, and
 are hoping to make up for it.
PICARD: Recommendations?
TROI: Seek some sort of peaceful contact with the Galactica.
PICARD: Galaga.
TROI: Whatever.
PICARD: Well, all fine and good.  But what about our primary hull?

An excellent question which deserves an answering scene...

VADER: Why is that OTHER ship firing at me?  Why doesn't anybody like me?
APOLLO: Because your outfit is UGLY.
VADER: What--?  Who are you?
APOLLO: Captain Apollo of the Battlestar Galactica.
VADER: Well, what do you want?
APOLLO: To know what's going on.  Who are you?
VADER: I command this vessel.
APOLLO: What happened to Captain Picard?
VADER: Uh... he's on the other half, over there.
APOLLO: You're part of his crew?
VADER: Uh, no... listen, why am I answering your questions?  Who do you think
 you are?
APOLLO: The man who's relieving you of command.
VADER: What??
APOLLO: The men lying all around the deck here are wearing the same uniform as
 Picard.  So you've taken this vessel by force.  I'm taking it back.  See this
 blaster in my hand?
VADER: You fool, don't you know your weapons are useless against the power of
 the Force?  Here, feel the grip of power...
APOLLO: No thanks, I'll stay right here.
VADER: Wha--?  You're not choking.
APOLLO: I'm not in a choking mood.
VADER: Well, here!  How about this-- the light saber!
APOLLO: How about this-- the Colonial blaster!
--Zap--
VADER: You sizzled my light saber!
APOLLO: Whatever powers you possessed, big and ugly, they've gone away now.
 Let's take a little walk over here.
VADER: What's over here?
APOLLO: The broom closet.  Get in.
VADER: You need me, Apollo.  You'll never figure out the controls of this
 ship without experienced help.
APOLLO: No, I'm betting the computers have context-sensitive help.  Get in
 there.
VADER: All right all right.  I'm in.  But I'll be back out.
APOLLO: I'm sure that's true.  Sooner or later, we'll need a broom.

GEORDI: Captain Picard!  A message from the primary hull!
PICARD: Very well.  Picard here.
APOLLO: Captain Picard, this is Captain Apollo.
PICARD: Huh?  What are you doing on?
APOLLO: I've imprisoned the big ugly guy in the broom closet.  All the shaking
 this vessel has received, plus the big explosion we experienced, broke one
 of the walls out in my cell, so I went to the bridge and saw that the ship
 had been commandeered.
PICARD: Excellent, excellent.  Let's hook these two hulls back together and
 see what's happening.
APOLLO: Not so quickly, Captain.  Is your vessel at war with mine?
PICARD: Uh... I'll be frank.
APOLLO: Please.
PICARD: We're not sure.  We were exchanging shots, but now they've started
 firing upon the Romulans, our enemy.
APOLLO: I see.  What do you plan to do?
PICARD: I don't know.  What would you suggest?
APOLLO: Talking to the Galactica, sir.  See what is really happening here.
PICARD: We don't appear to have any further mode of communications in common,
 though.
APOLLO: So send people over to talk to them.  You DO have shuttle craft of
 some sort, I assume?
PICARD: Yes...
APOLLO: So, if I agree to help join your ship back together, will YOU agree
 to include me on the shuttle that goes to meet them?
PICARD: Very well, Captain.  Turn your bridge computers over to ours.
APOLLO: All right, computers switched over... now.
WORF: Captain!  Now's our chance!  We can make the primary hull's computer do
 anything we want!
PICARD: Worf, why wouldn't we just do what we said we'd do?
WORF: Uh... hmm, I hadn't thought of that, sir.

TIGH: Commander Adama, there's a shuttle of some sort approaching from the
 Enterprise.
ADAMA: Train a cannon on it but don't fire.  Let's see what they do.  Could
 it be a weapon?
TIGH: How should I know, sir?
ADAMA: Don't get smart with me, mister.  I'm allowed to ask asinine questions,
 I'm the commander here.
TIGH: Yes, sir.  The shuttle is slowing down.  They've stopped, sir.  Holding
 position about halfway between us and the Enterprise.
ADAMA: Let's send a shuttle of our own.  Have Lieutenant Starbuck and some of
 his fellow lunatics go meet them.
TIGH: Right.  Uh, Commander, I'm sure the Council of the Twelve would like to
 be represented as well.
ADAMA: You're right.  Have Starbuck and the others slip out quietly before the
 Council knows what's happening.
TIGH: My thoughts exactly.

The two shuttles meet in space.  They connect.  They discover that their
docking bays are incompatible.  Several hours and several new shuttles later,
they get it to work.
  It is for reasons like this that we don't mix stuff from different shows
more often.  There's just too much incompatible technology.

STARBUCK: Apollo!  You're alive!
APOLLO: Starbuck!  You're right!
STARBUCK: Well, wait a centon; I THINK you're alive.  You seem to be alive,
 but I've had some interesting experiences before when drinking that stuff in
 the rec room.  Are you really alive?
APOLLO: (sigh) Yes.
RIKER: So, you two know each other?
STARBUCK: Who's this feeb?
APOLLO: He's Commander Riker, second in command of the Enterprise.
STARBUCK: Oh, so he's important, then?
APOLLO: I can't tell.  I got the impression that Captain Picard just wanted him
 off the bridge for a while.
RIKER: Hey, that's not nice.  ...True, maybe, but definitely not nice.
APOLLO: Well, anyway, this is a momentous meeting between two groups of humans,
 etc. etc.  Now what?
RIKER: Uh, now your fleet surrenders all its forces to our ship, and we all go
 home.
STARBUCK: He's from Earth, did I get that right?
APOLLO: Yeah.
STARBUCK: We've been looking for that colony all this time, and they're all
 nincompoops?
APOLLO: Well, perhaps.  But so are we.
STARBUCK: Good point.  Look, Commander Riker, get a clue.  We're not surrender-
 ing our forces to you or anybody.  Especially when your ship is defenseless
 to ours.
RIKER: Your ship isn't doing so hot against us right now, either.
STARBUCK: We could still kick your butts.
RIKER: Could not.
STARBUCK: Could too.
RIKER: Could not, could not, could not.  Nyaah, nyaah.
APOLLO: Wait.  Gentlemen, I hate to interrupt this witty dialog, but we're not
 here to resume hostilities, but to clear them up.
PICARD: He's right.
RIKER: AAAAGHHHH!  Who said that?
PICARD: I did, Will.  I left your communicator active so I could hear what's
 going on.  Obviously Captain Apollo has more sense in one foot than you've
 ever had in your entire life.
RIKER: Huh?  What's so great about his foot?
PICARD: Never mind.  Do you remember what it was you were SUPPOSED to do in
 this meeting?
RIKER: Uh... blow up their shuttle?
PICARD: Wrong.
RIKER: Hold them captives?
PICARD: Three strikes and you're out a rank, mister.
DATA: Three strikes, sir?
PICARD: Data, stay off this channel.  Especially if you're going to start
 playing word associations again.
RIKER: I... was supposed to welcome the visitors back to the Enterprise for
 some friendly discussion.
PICARD: See, I knew you could do it.
APOLLO: There, finally.  Starbuck, what do you say?
STARBUCK: I don't know.  Friendly discussion, did they say?
PICARD: Well, that and drinks.
STARBUCK: Ah!  Drinks!  That changes things.  Sure, we'll come.
PICARD: Good.  Stand by to beam aboard.
STARBUCK: Stand by to what?

hmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

STARBUCK: What happened?  Where are we?  Where are the drinks?
APOLLO: We're back on the Enterprise.  This is how I got here in the first
 place.
STARBUCK: Wow.  Weird.  Too bad about those shuttles.
RIKER: What do you mean?
STARBUCK: Since we didn't know if you guys would be friendly, we rigged our
 shuttle to explode if anything weird were to happen to me, or to any of these
 other officers here without speaking parts.
RIKER: What kind of weird?
STARBUCK: I'm not sure exactly what the parameters were, but I'd say getting
 yanked away in a swirl of rainbow colors would qualify.
RIKER: Riker to bridge.  What's going on?
PICARD: The shuttles just exploded.  Wait, the Galactica is firing at us
 again--

CCRRRUMMPP!

RIKER: This time isn't my fault!
PICARD: Shut up, Will.  Worf, do NOT return fire!
RIKER: I just want everybody to understand that this time is not my fault.
PICARD: Bring your guests up to the bridge, and hurry!
RIKER: We're on our way.  Come on, you guys.
STARBUCK: Are we prisoners here, or what?
RIKER: How should I know?  Just get moving!

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Is the situation Riker's fault?  Will he be blamed anyway?  Does anybody out
there like Riker's character?  These and other questions will still be
unanswered at the end of the next installment.

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* Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * You think YOU need a life?  Check out  *
* Planet of origin: debatable       * the author of THIS story...            *
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