ENTERPRISE vs GALACTICA, chapter 5 of 6 For any of you who did not read the preceding chap

ENTERPRISE vs GALACTICA, chapter 5 of 6 For any of you who did not read the preceding chapters... now is not a good time to start. The Galactica is at war with the Enterprise once more. On the bridge, things are once again pretty frantic. (Actually, the only time the bridge of the Enterprise is a dull place to be is between episodes, which is also when the characters usually catch up on their sleep.) Once again, those annoying red lights are on, but at least everyone's back to the main bridge, the dead and injured from Vader's brief stint at command have been cleared away, and the seats are more comfortable than on the battle bridge. Vader is still periodically ranting from inside the broom closet, but nobody is really paying attention to that. (The prevailing theory is that his powers vanished through prolonged distance from his proper space-time whatsit, but this theory is about as muddled as the rest of this story.) PICARD: Worf, how are our shields? WORF: In a word: bad. PICARD: How about, in several words? WORF: Extremely, horrendously, unacceptably bad. PICARD: I thought we were having Wesley fix them. WORF: He got some back, but the shots from the Galactica are knocking them back down. Can we PLEASE shoot them back, just a little? APOLLO: Don't do it. WORF: You, shut up. PICARD: Riker, Apollo, guests, what do we do now? WORF: We blast the Galactica. STARBUCK: Oh no you don't... APOLLO: Starbuck, put the gun away. Listen, whatever your name is... WORF: I am Worf. APOLLO: Worf, then. Whatever happened to your head seems to have scrambled your brain, too. If you return fire, there is no chance for peace, and no chance for your vessel. WORF: Your forces are that good? APOLLO: They have survived overwhelming odds through vast reaches of space. Yes, they're that good. WORF: Hah! A challenge! Klingon honor demands I beat you up. PICARD: Worf! Stop being such a bully. Captain Apollo, how can we indicate that we are trying to be friendly, and get the message across BEFORE the Galactica's fire does serious damage? If that happens, we'll have to return fire just to protect our own lives. APOLLO: Well, you should have thought of that before you used that "beam aboard" thing. PICARD: You're a fat lot of help, arrogant twerp. Keep that up and I'll lock you up in a small room with Wesley. VADER: I could advise. PICARD: What? I thought I heard something from inside the broom closet. VADER: I said, I could advise your battle. APOLLO: Oh, great. PICARD: No thanks. You haven't done so well thus far, you know. VADER: I was a great warrior in the past, I'll have you know! PICARD: Was that when your space station got destroyed and your ship bashed up? VADER: No, before that. I was a warrior in the Clone Wars. RIKER: The what? VADER: Clone Wars. Mostly a battle to make the universe IBM-compatible. DATA: Uggh. What happened? VADER: We won. Then we discovered that IBM compatability is a rapidly moving target as well as a pain in the rear. So we ditched them in favor of the Risc-2 model processors, and now we've got R2 units everywhere. PICARD: This is NOT helping. Is there ANY way to get the Galactica to stop shooting at us? Suddenly, the Galactica stops shooting. PICARD: Oh, good. What did we do? And whose idea was it? RIKER: Mine. My idea. PICARD: I doubt that. RIKER: Well, it was worth a try. GEORDI: Captain, we've got a new set of sensor images incoming. APOLLO: May I see? GEORDI: Sure. Computers can't identify them, but then, that's no big surprise either, at least here. APOLLO: Starbuck, do you see what I see? STARBUCK: In this case, yes. I'd say that's why the Galactica stopped firing. PICARD: What is it? APOLLO: Cylons. It's the Cylon fleet, our mortal enemies, coming in to destroy us. WORF: Good. GEORDI: Sensor readings indicate several large ships, and a massive number of small fighters. We're showing life readings on the ships, but very limited brain wave traces. It looks like that planet of network television execu- tives we scanned a while back. PICARD: How long until they get here? GEORDI: I'd say about ten minutes at the outside. PICARD: Can we outrun them? GEORDI: At higher warps, yes, definitely. DATA: If we don't have more trouble with those temporal boundaries, that is. GEORDI: Oh yeah. And if our warp drives are still working properly at the moment. APOLLO: The Colonial Fleet couldn't outrun them. PICARD: So, the question is this: do we attempt to intervene on behalf of the Colonial Fleet and offer assistance, assuming we're NOT still at war with them? Or do we intervene on behalf of the Cylons, assuming we ARE still at war with the Galactica? Or do we sit back and watch, invoking the Prime Directive? STARBUCK: Uh, personally, the first one of those was MY favorite. PICARD: I don't know that the Prime Directive really applies here... but the Galactica has been a most erratic ally. I personally lean toward staying out of the confrontation. RIKER: You would. WORF: Sir, Klingon honor demands that we fight SOMEBODY. It doesn't matter who. APOLLO: I would urge you, Captain Picard, to aid our cause. Before the battle with the Cylons becomes your cause as well, and without the Colonial fleet as allies. STARBUCK: Yeah. What he said. PICARD: I don't know. Will, what do you think? RIKER: Captain, I say... wait! I've figured this out! PICARD: Figured what out? RIKER: Never mind. Sir, I strongly recommend that we reject Captain Apollo's suggestion, and avoid this fight. EVERYONE ELSE: Huh? PICARD: You want to AVOID this fight? RIKER: Yes sir, that's what I recommend. PICARD: Frak. Well, then. Captain Apollo, we're prepared to aid your cause. RIKER: Hah! It works! DATA: "Frak," Captain? That's the second time you've said that. PICARD: So it is. Uh... actually, I don't know where I got that phrase. STARBUCK: It's one of our curses. PICARD: But not one of ours. DATA: It may be that the more time we spend in these crossed temporal barriers, the more our thought processes will overlap, and tend to stray from their norms. PICARD: You mean, we're all acting like lunatics becuase of these temporal whatsits? DATA: Well, at least partially. GEORDI: It may also explain why Data's back to being a babbling idiot. DATA: I resemble that remark. PICARD: We've got to get back home, and soon. RIKER: Uh, right, let's do that, and let the Galactica rot. PICARD: Oh yeah, we have to help the Galactica first. Geordi, are the warp engines operational? GEORDI: They SEEM to be, sir. PICARD: How about the tractor beams? GEORDI: Oh, they're fine, sir. We just can't use them with the shields up, that's the only problem. PICARD: Can we pull the whole Colonial fleet? GEORDI: No way, sir. We don't have nearly the power output. PICARD: Okay, have Wesley redesign the power system so we can do it. He has five minutes. GEORDI: Sounds good. APOLLO: Captain, what is it you're planning? PICARD: Run franticly in the other direction. STARBUCK: Sounds like good Colonial policy. APOLLO: None of these other ships can aid us in battle with the Cylons? PICARD: We are attempting to AVOID this battle, Apollo. Besides, we've got the Romulans out there, who hate our guts, and the Klingons, who may or may not be willing to help, and... what other ships? GEORDI: That Ford Escort, sir. And various unidentified craft. PICARD: So, things don't seem really conducive to quick alliances. Geordi, has Wesley redesigned the power system yet? GEORDI: He just finished. PICARD: Good. Lock the Colonial fleet in our tractor beams, Mr. Worf-- no, scratch that. Mr. Data, you do it. We'd like some of them to survive this maneuver. DATA: Shields down, sir, and tractor beams locked on. PICARD: Now, let's just hope the Galactica doesn't decide to shoot at us for this maneuver. CCRRUMMPP!!! PICARD: Zarking fardwarks!! Captain Apollo, when we get out of this, remind me to find the commander of the Galactica and punch him in the face. APOLLO: That's my father you're talking about. PICARD: Really? You'll do, then. APOLLO: OOWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!! PICARD: I'm starting to really enjoy this episode. GEORDI: Cylons closing fast, Captain. PICARD: Right. Warp engines, thattaway, engage! Floor it, Geordi. DATA: Floor it, sir? PICARD: Go very fast. DATA: Ah. Floor it. Go very fast. Accelerate. Punch it. Get it in gear. Positive delta vee. Hit the road, Jack-- EVERYONE: SHUT UP, DATA!!! DATA: Oh, right. Shutting up now. Sorry about that, I don't know what came over me. Intriguing. PICARD: Data, I mean it! DATA: But I am shutting up, sir. I'm shutting right up now. You don't have to worry about me, when I'm told to shut up I just shut right up. Some people don't know when to shut up, but not me, no sir. I just shut right up without any problem at all. Pulling away from the Cylons now; I mention this just to keep you informed, but really I'm shutting up now so you won't have to listen to any excessive chatter or have anything distracting you from the fact that the other vessels around us seem to be pulling in closer to us, yes indeed, now that I know that you want me to shut up, I'm just shutting right up, and I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as me shutting up, because like I already told you, I'm good at shutting up. So I'm done, now. That's it. ...where did everybody go? VADER: Battle bridge. DATA: What was that? VADER: They went back to the battle bridge again. It's quiet there. DATA: Why are you still here? VADER: I'm locked in this stupid broom closet, WHAT DO YOU THINK? Are you STUPID? DATA: Well, yes, apparently. Shall I talk to you for a while? VADER: AAAGHH!! SOMEBODY LET ME OUTA HERE!!! On board the Galactica, for variety, the stress is from entirely different sources. For example: ADAMA: I seem to have misplaced my bifocals again. TIGH: Commander! ADAMA: Yes, Tigh, what is it now? TIGH: I think what the Enterprise is doing is pulling us, and our entire fleet, out of range of the Cylons. ADAMA: Oh, so they ARE on our side after all? TIGH: At least for the moment, that seems to be the case. ADAMA: This is getting very weird. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping track of when we like them and when we don't. TIGH: I just hope our men are okay. Starbuck alone accounts for 37% of our audience share in the single young women category. ADAMA: So, we're currently out-running the Cylon fleet? TIGH: Correct, sir. We ought to steal that ship just for their engines. ADAMA: Maybe we can learn from it from here. Send Mr. Wizard back in. TIGH: Just a moment, sir. MR. WIZARD: You sent for me, Commander? ADAMA: Yes, I did. Can we derive the basic technology basis for the engines of that ship out there pulling us, and build our own engines like that? MR. WIZARD: Well, yes but no. ADAMA: Why but why not? MR. WIZARD: I've studied the ship out there through my instruments, and have come to the basic conclusion that that ship cannot possibly function. ADAMA: What do you mean? MR. WIZARD: They seem to be powered by the release of energy from a crystal structure which is impossible to our physics. ADAMA: You mean, we don't know how to do it. MR. WIZARD: No. I mean it is physically impossible. Molecules do not combine like that. Anywhere. ADAMA: Obviously you're mistaken. MR. WIZARD: And obviously you're a clueless old geezer who ought to be doing dog food commercials. Listen. The structural elements of their ship, and everything, all show similar molecular structure. And it's ALL physically impossible. Those materials cannot exist. ADAMA: What are you saying? MR. WIZARD: That that ship does not belong in this UNIVERSE at all. Or else we do not. Or maybe, both. ADAMA: That's stupid. They're from EARTH. Our lost thirteenth colony. They have to be from the same universe. MR. WIZARD: I didn't write this episode, so don't ask me to explain it. I'm just telling you: the Galactica and the Enterprise do not belong in the same universe at all. On board the Enterprise, back on the battle bridge, other concerns are brewing. So is some coffee. GEORDI: Captain, there's something that's bothering me. PICARD: What, Geordi? GEORDI: These chairs. They're nowhere near as comfortable as on the main bridge. PICARD: Well, we've got Wesley working on a volume control for Data, and when he's done we can all go back. RIKER: I like this, keeping Wesley busy making stuff all the time. It keeps him out of sight. PICARD: It pains me to agree with you, Number One. RIKER: Don't I know that. GEORDI: Actually, Captain, there's something else that's bothering me. PICARD: What is it? GEORDI: The way the other ships have been pulling close around us. I mean, we're under high warp, and they don't appear to have their engines on at all. And that automobile. I don't think it has a warp drive at all. But it's pulling close too. PICARD: I see. Theories? GEORDI: Maybe the temporal boundary things are doing some weird thing. I don't know; do I look like Data? RIKER: No. For one thing, your face doesn't look bleached. PICARD: What do sensors say about the other ships? GEORDI: Well, that's weird too. The sensor readings keep changing subtly. It's like they keep drifting out of focus or something, but that's not it. PICARD: Counsellor Troi, can you tell us anything useful? For a change? TROI: I sense lots of people having no idea what's going on. PICARD: This is not news. TROI: I also sense someone, or several people, I can't tell where, with a sense of anticipation. PICARD: Could it be the Cylons, perhaps? TROI: I don't think so. But it's hard to pin down. PICARD: Keep trying. GEORDI: Captain, I have a theory I don't like. PICARD: Keep it to yourself, then. We've got enough stress here as it is. WORF: Sir! The Romulans are opening fire. PICARD: Big whoop. They can't hurt us. CCRRASSSSHHHH!!!! (snap, crackle & pop) GEORDI: Actually, that was the theory I didn't like. I thought maybe the temporal boundaries were combining together. We're all in the same arena now. PICARD: Great. Any other good news? GEORDI: Sure. That shot there just blew out our main power system. Warp drives inoperative. We're slowing down. PICARD: Kill the tractor beam. GEORDI: It's dead all on its own. PICARD: Raise our shields! GEORDI: Actually, we have no shields left. WORF: Sir! Permission to blow the Romulans away? PICARD: Will, what do you think? RIKER: No way. Leave those poor guys alone. PICARD: Permission granted, Worf. Blow their buns off! DATA: Blow their buns off, sir? PICARD: Oh no. Data, what are you doing here? DATA: I came down to assist in the mad panic and screaming. PICARD: If you start running off at the mouth again you're getting re-booted, you hear me? DATA: Yes sir. Can I assist with anything? PICARD: We'll let you know. APOLLO: So what happens now? PICARD: Well, one well-placed shot and we all die, that's what. Hey, what is the Galaga doing? APOLLO: Galactica. PICARD: Whatever. Where are they going? APOLLO: It looks to me like they're pulling between you and the Romulans, what does it look like to you? PICARD: So, then, we're allied with the Galactica again? WORF: Sir, the Klingon ship is firing at us! What is going on? PICARD: So, the Klingons are allied with the Romulans for some reason. GEORDI: But the Romulans just shot at the Klingons. Now the Klingons are returning fire on them. PICARD: Okay, so the Klingons are back on our side, and the Romulans are fighting them. WORF: Galactica opening fire on the Klingons. PICARD: Oh, so the Galactica is allied against the Klingons, who are allied with us, but also with us, who are against the Romulans, who were allied with the Galactica. No. Wait, do I have this right? GEORDI: Doesn't matter, the Galactica switched back to shooting at the Romulans. STARBUCK: I think I need a score card. APOLLO: I think I need an asprin. PICARD: I think we need a peace conference. RIKER: Aw, man, he ALWAYS does this. APOLLO: Yeah, but if we can't outrun the Cylons, we need to all turn and fight them. So we have to be allies first. RIKER: My head hurts. PICARD: Small wonder. I don't know about this fighting the Cylons bit, but I think we need to stop this battle or there'll be nobody left of any of us to ever go back home. DATA: Sir, I find it interesting that we've done almost nothing since coming through that space discontinuance thing but battle amongst ourselves in various combinations. PICARD: I find it interesting too, in a MORBID and SICK sort of way. DATA: What I mean, sir, is that I have to wonder if this wasn't set up delib- erately in some way. PICARD: You mean, that awful "Q" character again? DATA: Not necessarily. But the possibility exists that some sort of higher intelligence has staged this entire situation. PICARD: Not again. Don't these so-called "higher intelligence" types have anything to do but mess with people? DATA: Insufficient data to comment, sir. PICARD: Well, whatever the cause, we certainly need to come to terms with one another. Now, how do we contact them? RIKER: How about the radio? PICARD: Don't be stupid. RIKER: I am NOT being stupid. Why do you always assume I'm being stupid? PICARD: It's true 99% of the time, that's why. RIKER: Well, in this case it's not. We can communicate with the Romulans and the Klingons, I would think. The Galactica is already prepared to be at peace with us if we can avoid scaring them again, and the other vessels in the area just watching all of this appear to be unshielded to transporters. So we can have a meeting right here, on the Enterprise, with EVERYBODY. PICARD: He's got a good point, doesn't he? GEORDI: Seems that way, sir. PICARD: I hate that as much as I hate Wesley saving the ship. Oh well. Let's get this peace thing underway. Captain Apollo, would you like to take a shuttle and go back to the Galactica? APOLLO: Sounds great to me. PICARD: Tell your commander that we'll beam him over here, and not to get all bent out of shape this time. APOLLO: Righty ho, good enough for me. WORF: Sir! Klingon honor demands that we shoot some more people! PICARD: Hang on, Worf. The story's not over yet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only one more installment to go, and then you can start flaming in ernest! Since I don't get rec.arts.startrek in my neck of the Internet woods, post the really nasty stuff directly to: ****************************************************************************** * Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * Any resemblance between the characters * * Novell Network: network 00000001, * in this story and the original ones is * * node 00000000000A (like this is * entirely coincidental, and DEFINITELY * * helpful somehow) * not intentional. * ******************************************************************************