Star Trek: Yet Another Generation Episode 69: Get A Life [Scene opens with usual stock foo

Star Trek: Yet Another Generation Episode 69: Get A Life [Scene opens with usual stock footage of Enterprise flying through generic space] PICARD: Captain's Log... RIKER: With a head like that, he looks like Yule Brenner. Shouldn't it then be, Yule Log? PICARD: Number One? RIKER: Aye sir? PICARD: Lose some weight! TROI: [Riker slinks back into his chair, properly chastised] PICARD: Ahem. As I was saying. Yu...Captain's Log, Stardate 1234567.654. We are en route to another mission that has absolutely nothing to do with the premise of this parody, so I won't even bother making something up. WORF: Captain, we are receiving a communication from Admiral Calavicci on a Priority One Channel. PICARD: A Priority One Channel? What is it? WORF: It's a frequency used for emergency situations, but that's not important right now. [Picard stands up and addresses both Worf and the rest of the bridge crew] PICARD: Now see here. Just because this is a parody is no excuse to start using inane humor not even worthy of a sitcom. Let's do this with dignity, shall we? [Throughout the bridge comes the sounds of grumbling. All crew members return to their duties, trying to act serious. Data removes the funny nose and glasses and puts them under the ops console.] PICARD: Thank you. Very well. A Priority One Signal, for Captain's ears only, eh? Mr. Worf, put it on the viewscreen. ADMIRAL: Hey, Jean-Luc. How's it hanging? We have an emergency mission that only your ship can handle. PICARD: Naturally. ADMIRAL: We need you to get over to the Usenet Empire as soon as possible. There has been some unrest among the planets there, and we want to calm them down before hostilities break out. They may not produce anything of value, but this is the 24th Century, and we have to help anyone, even if they don't have lives. PICARD: Admiral, we are hundreds of light years away from that system. It will take us at least an hour to get there. Surely there are closer ships. ADMIRAL: You'd think so, wouldn't you? Damned if I could find any. PICARD: Very well. We're on our way. Picard out. [Picard turns to Wesley] PICARD: Mr. Crusher, what's our maximum speed this week? WESLEY: [checking manual] Uh, 9.4, sir. PICARD: Very good. Take us to Warp 9.8 then. WESLEY: Aye, sir. Warp 9.2 it is. [About ten minutes go by involving sub-plots that have absolutely nothing to do with the story. Suffice to say, Q shows up, Riker gawks at Troi's breasts, and Worf abuses small boys. We then return to the bridge.] PICARD: Ah, we're back. Good. Mr. Crusher, ETA to Usenet System. WESLEY: 28 minutes, sir. PICARD: NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAMN IT! NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Take us to Warp 9.9. WESLEY: Warp 9.2 it is sir. WORF: Captain! I'm picking up a small, insignificant spec upon the cosmos. Wait. It's a ship, sir. PICARD: A ship? What kind? WORF: A spaceship, Captain. [Picard throws an annoyed glance at Worf] WORF: Sorry. The computer has identified it as a ship of the Fidonet Confederacy. PICARD: The Fidonet Confederacy? I don't think I've heard of them. DATA: Nobody is exactly sure where the Fidonet Confederacy is actually located. Many years ago, they sent forth a fleet to make first contact with the Usenet Empire, in an attempt to open peaceful relations. They encountered the RAST, a particularly warlike faction of the Empire, and attempted to communicate with them. Their entire fleet was immediately wiped out in the infamous Flame Wars, named for the diabolical weapons employed by the RAST. TROI: That's barbaric. Are all the RAST so ruthless and close minded? DATA: On the counselor, Contrary. The Usenet Empire, and even the RAST, contain some of the greatest minds in the universe. Unfortunately, they are usually the silent ones, who are never replied to. The Flamers, as the RAST Military are called, are the most vocal in the Empire. This is indeed a great loss to the civilized universe. Why, it is a known fact that the greatest writer of Fictitious Parody, Qua... PICARD: Yes, yes. Thank you, Data. Now what in the world is a lone Fidonet vessel doing out here, so close to the Usenet Empire, in the dark? Mr. Worf, please hail the vessel. WORF: AYE, SIR! Photon torpedoes loaded. Preparing... PICARD: No, Worf. I mean with the communications. WORF: Oh. I knew that. [under breath] wimp. [Worf fiddles with some controls for a few minutes.] WORF: Sir, they refuse to answer our calls on any frequency. Request permission to attempt contact using the Photon Torpedoes. PICARD: I don't think that will be necessary. WORF: Wait sir. They are transmitting a message, but not directed at us. It is directed right into the heart of the Usenet Empire! PICARD: Put it on the speaker, Lieutenant. [Over the speaker, a loud crackling is heard. Through the static a small voice is heard, speaking three words.] Voice: Get a life. [Dramatic music sounds] PICARD: What? I don't get it. Is it some code? TROI: Oh, THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL! Captain! We have to intercept that message! PICARD: Why? TROI: That simple sentence we just heard is the most heinous insult that can be hurled at a member of the RAST. It is an invitation for the RAST to totally wipe out the originator of the message, as well as any innocent bystanders. Also, their Flame Weapons produce such a static burst that the Subspace Bandwidth will be clogged for weeks! The entire Usenet Society could crumble! DATA: Would that be so bad? PICARD: Mr. Data, the Prime Directive prohibits us from allowing a civilization to crumble, no matter how inane it may be. Mr. Crusher, take us to Warp 10.2. We must overtake and destroy that message. WESLEY: Aye, sir. Warp 9.2 it is. PICARD: Very good. Mr. Data, do you have any idea why such simple sentence could cause the RAST to behave like barbarians? DATA: Actually, Captain, it does not take much to set the RAST off. It is recorded that once, one of their officials accidentally misspelled a word in a report, and was summarily Flamed into dust. PICARD: Merde! DATA: As for the phrase in question, "Get a life," was one of the principal teachings of the 20th Century philosopher, William T. Shatner. This man is considered the Antichrist, if you will, of the RAST Civilization. His teachings were an insult to the entire foundation of the RAST culture, and furthermore, he was a bad director. PICARD: Zut! Je n'ai pas de stylo. TROI: Captain, we MUST stop that message. [Basically, ten more minutes of tense waiting goes by, while some of the sub-plots are dealt with. Riker feels Troi's breasts, Q leaves, and Worf abuses small boys. Then, we return to the bridge. The same people are still present.] WESLEY: We have overtaken the signal sir. Estimated 3 minutes until we reach the Usenet System. WORF: Captain, sensors are picking up a RAST fleet directly in our path. They are apparently flaming some loudmouthed jerk who thinks that the RAST should standardize their acronyms. DATA: See? Not everything the RAST do is bad. TROI: Captain, we've got to stop that signal. PICARD: We're working on it, Deanna. And I must say, Wesley would probably get done allot quicker if you'd cover those things up. Now Wesley, how does this contraption work again? [Wesley quickly averts his eyes from Troi's chest] WESLEY: Well, sir. Basically, it creates a Warp Bubble, trapping the message in it's circumference. Then a nanite is released into the matrix, attempting to override the message's logic circuit by convincing it that it was the sender of the message. Once this is done, the nanite simply cancels the post, and the Warp Bubble collapses. Simple. PICARD: Uh, yes. I see. Well, make it so. [Wesley spends several moments pressing lots of buttons, flipping levers, and making himself phase in and out of existence. On the screen, lots of neat graphics appear, representing the battle that is taking place inside the Warp Bubble. Finally, we see the nanite makes it's last pass, and issue the Cancel Command. On the screen appears: Cancel Failed. Not owner of message. Article Posted Successfully. A copy has been saved in author_copy. WESLEY: NO! IT CAN'T HAVE FAILED! I BUILT IT! I WANTED TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE! IT'S NOT FAIR! DATA: Unfortunately, I noticed that when you programmed the nanite, you attempted to use an Internet address as the the sender. The Fidonet Confederacy doesn't have Internet access. You should have simply used the bang path protocol. PICARD: Mr. Data, why did you wait until now to tell him? DATA: Well, sir, you did instruct us to assist in the boy's education, and this WAS a learning experience. I think that the next time he is called upon to save a civilization, he will perform much better. PICARD: I see. Very well then. WORF: Captain, the RAST vessels have logged on and read the message. They are activating their flamers and preparing to engage the Fidonet vessel. PICARD: Worf, hail the RAST flagship and attempt to reason with them. Or at least stall them. Hail them using the Communicator, Mr. Worf! Data, Mr. Crusher, access the ship's computers and give me something to use against the RAST. Anything! DATA: Aye sir. WORF: This is the U.S.S. Enterprise calling the lead RAST ship. You will disengage weapons. Ganging up on a lone opponent is NOT honorable. RAST-1: Put a sock in it you phoney Klingon pansy. RAST-2: Yeah! A REAL Klingon, like from ST:TOS, would wipe out that lone vessel AND kick your spiny butt across the universe. WORF: Captain, request permission to fire phasers, PLEASE!!! PICARD: Remember, Mr. Worf. You are superior. RAST-1: Yeah. Listen to the bald geezer, Worf. He epitomizes the limp-wristed wasteland that the Federation has become. Captain Kirk wouldn't take this. He's have wasted our butts minutes ago! Picard's a WIMP! PICARD: Lieutenant, arm Photon Torpedoes. TROI: Captain, you mustn't. RAST-2: Oh, shut up, you interstellar bimbo. You're not even an officer. RAST-3: She is too. They said so in EAF. RAST-2: Oh yeah? Just like they said phasers could be set to kill? What's this Heavy Stun crap then?!? TROI: Young man, I sense ... RAST-2: Oh go squeeze your breasts into that green dress and shut up, you second-rate Vulcan! RAST-4: Hey! As a female, I object to your comments about Troi! RAST-2: Get a real .sig, lady. MINE has the entire Khan quote from STII:TWOK! RAST-3: Oh yeah? Well, the correct phrase is "I'll chase you", not "I will chase you". So there! RIKER: Hey! Settle down! RAST-1: Ah blow it out your cellulose, Raker! You had your chance to be Captain, but you had to go and save baldy. Shelby was much better than you anyway! RAST-2: Technically, Riker should still be Captain, since it was a field promotion, and in the United States... PICARD: Enough!!! Worf, kill the speaker! [Worf aims and fires his phase at the speaker, causing it to explode in shower of sparks] PICARD: Thank you. I am at a loss as to what to do here. WORF: I see nothing that a good phase barrage wouldn't cure. PICARD: Yes, I know. But there must be a better way, a more peaceful way. WORF: Kirk would have let me fire. RIKER: Mr. WORF!!! TROI: Captain, I sense the hostility level on the entire ship rising. It appears as if these RAST may be projecting empaths. They might actually be able to cause normally peaceful individuals to become petty and abusive. PICARD: Oh just shut up and sit in the chair, you sexpot! TROI: Captain...! PICARD: Oh, I'm sorry Deanna. You may be right about their empathic abilities. We must do something... WESLEY: I'VE FOUND IT, CAPTAIN! DATA: Naturally. I am only a super-android. He is the whiz- kid. PICARD: What is it, boy? WESLEY: No. First, you have to call me by my name. PICARD: Very well,, uh, uh, DATA: Wesley. PICARD: Yes, Wesley, what is it? WESLEY: Well, sir... [Fade to Commercial, as we hold suspense] [As we return from commercial, Worf has re-established communications with the RAST vessels. The damaged speaker has been taped together.] PICARD: Gentlemen. And ladies. We have discovered some startling information. Your flame war can be ended. RAST-1: Why? PICARD: It has been discovered that the message you received was not sent from a real Fidonet vessel. It was actually a RAST warship pretending to be a Fidonet ship. RAST-2: No way, Frenchie. No REAL RASTer would pretend to be a slimy, gross FIDOmaniac! TROI: But this one did. Little Ensign Kstan, an unknown RAST neophyte, was just looking for some attention, and he figured that if he impersonated a Fidonet person, he could get you all to flame him and cause another USENET- FIDONET War. He's just an infantile little twerp who needs some psychological treatment. Just ignore him. RAST-1: Oh yeah? Well, the Real Enterprise never needed a doctor AND a counselor. Bones handled EVERYTHING. RAST-2: Too bad they're going to kill him off in STVI. He'd teach that little tomato a thing or two about being Ship's Doctor! RAST-4: They can't kill him off! He appeared in EAF! RAST-3: That wasn't really him. It was just an old man who LOOKED like him. They just called him Admiral. RAST-4: Don't be a dweeb! Of course it was bones. My fifth cousin knows the boyfriend of the girl who lives with the head janitor on the Planet Hell set. RAST-2: Wow! RAST-3: Was not McCoy! WESLEY: I don't understand you people. How can you keep on bickering like that about such nonsense? RAST-1: Oh be quiet, you homo! RAST-2: Is Wesley gay, or is Wil Wheaton? RAST-3: Hey! I'm gay, and I'm offended by your comments. RAST-4: Well, I'm offended by your offense, faggot! PICARD: You little juvenile snots! Enough is enough! Why don't you do something worthwhile with your lives? Stop wasting your time. GET A LIFE! [Suddenly, all is silent. The bridge crew all bulge their eyes at the Captain and cover their mouths in utter shock. Picard's eyes also bulge, as he turns to the viewscreen, cringing at the anticpated response. The RAST are silent, and the tension mounts. Moments go by, when finally...] RAST-1: See? How come the only way the writers can make Picard seem manly is to give him Kirk's lines? RAST-2: You're just another warmonger! That's why you like Kirk! You can't appreciate the art in an episode like "The Child." You need action action action, like in "Yesterday's Enterprise." RAST-1:: Oh yeah? Well which one got better ratings, DWEEB?!? RAST-3: Anybody know when they're going to cross over TOS and TNG? FIDO1: Hi guys! I heard that Spock was going to guest star in an episode this season. Anybody know when? FIDO1: Hi guys! I heard that Spock was going to guest star in an episode this season. Anybody know when? FIDO1: Hi guys! I heard that Spock was going to guest star in an episode this season. Anybody know when? FIDO1: Hi guys! I heard that Spock was going to guest star in an episode this season. Anybody know when? PICARD: Enough!!! Mr. Crusher, get us the hell out of here, Warp Factor 11.4! WESLEY: Aye sir. Warp 9.2 it is. [Enterprise streaks away] [For a moment, there is silence, as the warp sound fades, then:] RAST-1: What the hell is that sound, anyway? Everybody knows that there's no sound in space! RAST-2: Never mind that. Just how fast IS Warp 9.2? My manual says... And so it goes... -- Quantum Buc >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ^ E-MAIL: buc@world.std.com v ^ UUCP: uunet!world!buc v ^ NEWSFLASH: BIG changes are in store this season for NBC's mega-hit v ^<<<<<<<<<< Quantum Leap. Producer Bellisario announced yesterday that v ^ Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell have been fired from the v ^ series, replaced by better known stars. Staring in November,v ^ "The Quantum Team" debuts, starring Mr. T as B.A. Beckett, v ^ and George Peppard as Col. Al Smith. Bellisario said it was v ^ a bold move in original programming. Highlights include: v ^ Beckett: "I ain't gettin' in no Quantum Accelerator, Al!" v ^ Al: "I love it when a Leap comes together! " (Shoves BA in) v <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Let the pigeons loose!!!