[The entire opening scene is animated, unless otherwise specified ...

Pan across a typical 20th-century suburban American town, ultimately
closing in on the Springfield Nuclear Plant.  As the camera pulls in, we
begin to hear the increasingly loud sound of alarms, not coincidentally
identical to the Enterprise's red-alert klaxon.  Now pulling into the
building, we see the agitated figure of Homer Simpson.]

Homer:  Oooo!  How could I have been so careless?  Now the whole place
is gonna blow!

Voice over Loudspeaker:  Please stay calm and evacuate the premises.
The red zone is for loading and unloading only ...

[Pan over to the animated figure of Wesley Crusher, also dressed as a
nuclear plant worker]

Wesley:  Hang in there, Simpson; we can save this thing!

Homer:  No way!  And I was going to be up for promotion next week.

Wesley:  Come on!  You grab ahold of the water valve and keep it set on
half, while I begin dicarbonium injection.

Homer:  What injection?

Wesley:  Oh, never mind, you wouldn't understand.  [As they work on
fixing the situation, the alarms begin to fade out.]

Homer:  You did it, Wesley, my boy!  How would you like to come home to
dinner with us?

Wesley:  Why sure ...

[dissolve to the Simpson's house.  Marge is reading a newspaper with the
headline BOY GENIUS SAVES HOMER SIMPSON'S MELTDOWN.  Bart and Lisa are
playing slapsies.  Maggie is doing her usual thing.  Homer and Wesley
enter.]

Homer:  I'm home ... with our hero!  Is supper ready?

Marge:  It will be a while.  Why don't you go watch tv?

[Everyone gets on the couch, and Homer turns the set on.]

Bart:  Oh boy, Star Trek.  This is the one where Riker eats the worms.

Lisa:  Eeew, Bart!

Bart:  Have you seen this one, Wesley?

Wesley:  Well, to be honest, I ...

[at this point, Worf, who is not animated, begins to balloon out of the
tv screen, and grow to full size in the middle of the Simpsons' living
room.]

Worf:  Computer, hold program!  [everything freezes, save for Wesley,
who is no longer animated.]

Wesley:  Sir, with all due respect, what gives you the right to barge in
here?

Worf:  It is 1800 hours, time for my daily pain therapy training.

Wesley:  Well, this simulation got carried along a bit further than I
had expected.  Do you mind if I complete it?

Worf:  You are using the holodeck for CREATIVE and RECREATIONAL purposes.
I wish to use it to enhance my skills as a CREW MEMBER and a WARRIOR.
[His communicator beeps.]  Yes?

Voice:  Security to Worf:  We have a possible fight taking place in
Holodeck 1.

Worf:  On my way.

Wesley:  Computer -- save program and exit.  [they leave the holodeck,
and we get the opening credits.]

[Fade in to a packed conference room.  Picard is conducting a meeting on
the holocrisis.]

Picard:  So let me get this straight.  Lieutenants Barclay, Esperagos,
Harticzak, Cubbage, Coelifleur and Brizelsprat were on Holodeck 1, doing
their Robin Hood thing, when Commander Riker and his survey team entered
and insisted that the holodeck be freed up for their simulation of field
work on an ultra-volcanic planet, in preparation for our upcoming
exploration of Delta Getudere IV.  Do you agree?

Barclay and Riker:  Yes.

Picard:  Well, I know demand on the holodecks has been going sky-high,
and not everyone is perhaps fond of what other people are doing, be it
honing their ship skills, or keeping their minds in tune with more, er,
recreational uses, but we are supposed to be civilized, and not brawl over
it!  Now if we are to set a reasonable holodeck policy, it would help to
know what we are using it for.  So if you don't mind telling me, I'll go
first.  I use it to unwind, to go back to the mid-twentieth century,
where I can visit France in its glory, or enter the Dixon Hill world.
Number One?

Riker:  I prefer simulations of what we might be facing, sir; strategic
training and so forth.

Data:  I most enjoy what-if scenerios.  For example, yesterday I was
exploring what Hamlet would be like had it been written by Andrew Dice
Clay.  Consider:  'To be or not to be, that is not the question.
Rather, the question is whether or not I can get that Ophelia broad to
suck on ...'

Picard (reddening):  That is enough, Data.  Mr. LaForge?

LaForge:  Engineering simulations that can't practically be implemented
in realspace.

Troi:  I go to a planet of feelings ...

Worf:  I exercise my Warrior skills!

Wesley:  I go to places where my talents will be appreciated.

O'Brien (maniacally!):  I go to a world in which I have a first name, and
none of you do.  Ah hahahaha!

Guinan:  Trying to work out how to defeat the Borg.

Barclay:  The Middle ages.  When men were men!

Beverly:  Hot, primeval sex!

Picard:  Ok, I think I get the picture.  Then unless anyone has any
major objections, I will assign Holodeck 1 to more, er, creative uses,
and leave the others for matters more directly relevant to our missions.
Is that reasonable? (nobody speaks up)  Then dismissed!

[After two minutes of commercials, we fade in to see Lieutenant Barclay
standing at the door to Holodeck 1.]

Barclay:  Open.  (enters.)  Computer, Program 4:  the Reviewers.  [A
tableau of famous critics including Siskel, Ebert, Lyons, Reed, Lynch
and Shappe appear, sitting motionlessly in a row of theater seats.]
Uh, get rid of Reed.  [Rex disappears.]  Thanks.  Ok, let's have them
review the Wesley Crusher-Darth Vader battle that was run in here
yesterday.

[the figures come to life]

Siskel:  You know, I really liked this holopresentation.  It was full of
action, and kept me on the edge of my seat.  Watch how the drama unfolds
in this scene:

[the drama comes up in the background.  Wesley has devised a light-phaser,
and is relentlessly pushing Vader back toward a bulkhead.]

Darth:  You may not realize this, but underneath my mask, I am smiling.

Wesley:  Oh yeah, and why is that?

Darth:  Because I know something you do not know.  You see?  I am your
father.

Wesley:  You are?  Mommmmyyyy!

[The flow of the battle reverses as DV takes control.  The scene
freezes.]

Siskel:  As you can see, a brilliant and totally unexpected plot twist.

Ebert:  I disagree.  What starfleet officer, even with Wesley's history,
is going to call for "mommmmyyyy"?  The characterization was a sham.

Lynch:  4.6 at best, although I enjoyed the music.  And Gene, you could
stick in a ^L or two before showing such a giveaway scene.

Lyons:  Now wait a minute.  I think the stress of a father believed dead
for a decade showing up as the ultimate embodient of evil could drive
anyone, even Ensign Crusher, over the brink.  Freud might call it an
unsatisfied Oedipus wish.

Siskel:  Yes, and the point where he accidentally began to call
Princess Leia Beverly would support the idea that this is the deeper
meaning of the program.

Shappe:  Well, this is all very interesting, but we must be moving on.
Our next holopresentation features Counselor Deanna Troi marooned on the
planet of warm fuzzies.  I found this one to be quite disappointing.

[A scene, contents omitted for the faint-hearted, begins rolling in the
background.  Riker and Troi enter.]

Riker:  Excuse me, Barclay, your time is up.

Troi (gasping):  Lieutenant, didn't I tell you no more Goddess of Empathy
scenes?

Barclay:  B-but this isn't a G-goddess scene, Counselor.  We were, uh,
reviewing the holotime you had last night.

Troi:  That is even worse!  An invasion of my privacy.  Computer, halt,
end program, delete, expunge, run an electromagnet over it, and set fire
to the backups!

[On that note, you just know we're going to have a commercial break.
Afterwards, we see another conference room scene, seating identical to
the first.]

Picard:  Now why should we have further problems?  We assigned the
creative holodeck, isn't that what everyone wanted?

Riker:  Yes, but some people have decided that they wish to use it to
analyze others' holotime.

Troi:  Now granted that such could be a very good psychoanalytical
tool, (glares at Barclay) *in the right hands.*

Picard:  So you would suggest that we could have such discussions of
others' holoworks in a more MODERATE form, perhaps only computer-guided,
and with the permission of the participant individuals, so that there
will be no invasion of anyone's privacy.  Is that reasonable?

Troi:  Yes, I would think so.

Beverly:  Now wait a minute.  I want to use the holodeck for my own
creative fantasies, but someone else is using it to talk about others'
holowork?  I find those priorities awfully mislaid!

Data:  What if we were to assign another holodeck to these discussions
of other holowork?

Worf:  This is getting much too silly!

Wesley:  Who died and made you Colonel?

Barclay (sarcastically):  And what about one holodeck for real
characters, and one for fictional ones?

Beverly:  And what about a separate deck for original holofantasies, and
one for borrowed characters?

[Everyone speaks up at once, and an all-inclusive fight scene ensues.
After a few moments, the dulcet tones of William Shatner's voice can be
heard above the ruckus.]

Kirk:  Computer, end program.

[Captain Kirk stands alone on the holodeck of NCC-1701-D.]

Kirk:  Did you see that?  Did - you - see - that?  I only have one
comment to make, just one comment.  And that is, GET A LIFE!  For crying
out loud, it's only a goddam Usenet.  Things may not be perfect, but if
everyone hammers at once at a decent idea, we wind up with a mangled mess.
That's what we're getting, shrapnel.  And if things are that bad, there
are always other things to do.  Go fix up your parents' basement.  Find
a, what do you people call it, MOTAS? to kiss.  Watch Airplane II again
and again.  But for crying out loud, don't have a cow!  [Closing credits
appear, the camera pulls back revealing an animated tv set, and we and
Wesley are back in the Simpsons' cartoon living room.]

Bart:  Oh wow, man, what a great episode.

Homer:  So that's where the boy gets his sayings from.

Marge:  Ok, the food's ready, come on.

Wesley:  Uh, well, I have to go.  I'm probably needed on the bridge.
Computer, end program.  Exit.  [He leaves the holodeck, presumably on
his way to better things.  Finis, this time for sure.  After the
commercial, we get the previews for next week's episode.]

Announcer:  Next week, on Star Trek: The Next Generation, [Bart Simpson
blows a spitball in Worf's face] we show the same episode you just saw.
[Cut to Picard in Dixon Hill get-up]  But you won't recognize it until
next week, because of these irrelevant clips that won't be part of the
episode. [Stock footage of a Romulan ship firing on the Enterprise]
What strange things are happening on the holodeck?

Siskel:  I truly believe that Saturday Night Fever was one of the best
films ever made.

Announcer:  Find out next time on an almost new episode of Star Trek:
The Next Generation.