Kobiashi Q (part 1) PRESENTING!... From the man who last summer brought you +quot;Star Dre

Kobiashi Q (part 1) PRESENTING!... From the man who last summer brought you "Star Drek: The Worst Generation" (the ONLY parody ever to be flamed to death before it ever got written): KOBIASHI MARU ------------- "Now hold it right there!", comes a disembodied voice. With a flash of white light, Q appears upon the author's computer screen. "You know the First Law of the Continuum," declares Q. "`All episodes, stories and parodies staring yours truly MUST have my name in the title.'" Sorry, Q. I forgot. PRESENTING!... KOBIASHI Q ---------- "No, no, no! That will not due either! May I remind you of the Second Law of the CONTINUUM? `All Q titles must be either cryptic or unrelated to the story being presented.' Given this fact may I make a suggestion?" Before the author can object, Q snaps his fingers and creates a brass fanfare. With accompanying fireworks, of course. "PRESENTING!... Q. C. ----- There! How's that?", inquires a smiling Q. Q. C.? Cutesie?! "Would you rather 'Q. T. Pi'?", Q asks, then falls to the bottom of the screen, laughing at his own joke. Arrrgh! With a snap of the author's fingers, Guinian suddenly appears in a second flash of white light. "Q, how'd you like me to peirce your other hand?", Guinian asks. And to emphasize her point, Guinian suddenly raises her hand to show Q a three-pronged fork. With a gulp, both Q and Guinian disappear with a third flash of white light. Ahem! As I was saying: PRESENTING!... KOBIASHI Q ---------- [Part 1] Ensign Wesley Crusher, Personal Log: Dear Mom- Well, I've done it. I've finished my first semester here at Star fleet Academy. The professors say that due to both my experience on the Enterprise, and my advanced intelligence, I'll be able complete my studies here in just two years. Most of my classmates are Vulcans, since I am in effect following the special program in the Academy set up for specifically for Vulcans. As an added incentive, tomorrow I get my first taste of the ultimate test here at the Academy: the Kobiashi Maru. I'll be sitting at the Navigation Station, just like I did on the Enterprise. To be honest, Mom, I'm glad I'll not be sitting in the Captain's Chair. I may be good with the sciences and machines, but command still scares me a little. Well, that's all for now. I guess I'm just a little too excited to write any more. I'll write again tomorrow and tell you how long we lasted before the ship was blown up from under us. I miss you. All my love, WESLEY WESLEY reads his latest letter to his mother, smiles, and sends it off via subspace electronic mail. Too excited to sleep, WESLEY leaves his room and heads over to the rec area, intent on finding someone to beat at 3-D chess. Or at least provide a small challenge to. "Queen to Queen's Level 3. Check and mate. I win!" "Hmm. Not quite. Queen to King's Level 1. Counter check. Sorry, Scotty, but this one's a draw." "I. Don't. Believe it. How in the world do you do it, Wesley? You manage to either beat me or cause a draw every time we play! Please, tell me your secret! I'm begging you!" As Wesley falls off his chair, laughing, Scotty resets the holographic 3-D chess board, intent on yet another game with his arch chess rival, Cadet Wesley Crusher. Grumbling, Scotty reviews the computer's record of the game, trying to find his latest mistake in yet another almost perfect game. "You know, Scotty," Wesley says, recovering, "we can play from now until the Warp 10 barrier is cracked, and you'll still not play a perfect game. Face it, you can't beat the Big-E's Wonder Kid." "Wonder Dweeb is more like it.", Scotty replies. "Ah ha! There's were I goofed. By sacrificing that pawn, I left myself open for your endgame assault." "True, but if you didn't sacrifice the pawn, I would've been able to take your Knight 5 moves earlier, and you wouldn't have been able to position yourself for your final assault. Instead, all you would've done is defend against me instead of counter-attacking like you did. Sorry, Scotty, but you made the right move there, even though it was a loosing move." "Sigh. Then where did I goof?", Scotty asks Wesley. "I hate to say this, but it was when you sacrificed your first knight." "Back on move 47?! That long ago in the game? But if I didn't sacrifice it, you would've-" "Taken your bishop, a weaker piece in this game, instead. And, once I took your bishop, you could've safely captured my queen with your rook without sacrificing it in the process." "Wow. I didn't see that possibility. I guess I'm just not in your league, Wesley." "Maybe not when the semester began and we first met, but now you're getting better. You would never have been able to put me in check before we started out weekly games, but look at you now. I was actually defending during the endgame. That's a first for our games. Congratulations, Montgomery Scott the Third, you have advanced to the next level in three dimensional chess mastery." Overhearing Wesley's 'announcement', the other cadets in the lounge give Scotty a standing ovation, much to Scotty's embarrassment. Welsey again falls off his chair laughing. Even the Vulcans present seem amused at the events going on, although they do try to hide it from the rest of the cadets. "If you two fellows are done fooling around, may I remind you that you both have to report at 8 tomorrow morning for your test?", comes the commanding voice from behind Wesley. Both Scotty and Wesley look up to see who's joined them, them both jump to attention upon recognizing the Captain who's standing there. "Sorry, sir! " both say in unison. The rest of the cadets in the lounge remain quiet, trying not to draw attention to themselves. "Well...", the Captain says, "see that you two get enough rest tonight. Remember, no one has ever lived through the Kobiashi Maru test." "No one except Admiral Kirk, sir." Wesley says, then immediately regrets saying it. "That bug has been eliminated from the program!", the Captain replies, not pleased at Wesley at all. "I expect a high score from you, Cadet Crusher, seeing how you have first hand experience at these things." Not waiting for Wesley's response, the Captain leaves the lounge. "I- I think we better get to bed early tonight, Wes.", Scotty suggests. "I agree.", Wesley replies as both head out of the lounge. "Wesley!" "Just a few more minutes, Mom", comes Wesley's mumbled reply to the voice intruding on his sleep. "Wesley! Get up! We're going to be late for the test!", Scotty insists, stripping the covers off of his roommate in the process. "The test!", Wesley realizes as he sets a new Academy record for getting dressed. Both rush though the academy, arriving at the testing center just in time. Wesley takes his position at the Navigation console, while Scotty takes his position at Ops. "Now that our two whiz kids have been kind enough to grant us with there presence, let the test begin.", comes the voice of the Captain over the Com speakers. "Good luck, Cadets, You'll need it." As the test progresses, Wesley is amazed at how unrealistic the "ultimate test of the academy" really is. More than once, Scotty smiles as Wesley comments to him of how easy the test is. The cadets last for a decent amount of time, but no where near record time. As the smoke clears, the cadets are called to attention as the Captain enters the simulation chamber. "Well, cadets, that was... interesting. You lasted far longer than was expected for a group of first-timers. However, all of you could've done much better. With some more training, you're test score should show improvement. "However, one of you felt this test was too easy." {Uh, oh. I think I'm in trouble now.}, Wesley thinks, waiting for the chewing out that's sure to come in the next few minutes. "Pray tell us, Mr. Crusher, what makes you think this test was too easy? You, like the rest of the cadets here, did die in the test." "Permission to speak frankly, sir?", Wesley asks before answering. "Granted", says the Captain, still behind Wesley, pleased with the request. "Sir, the test does not reflect current real life situations. Granted, the Klingons in the original test have been replaced with Romulans. Also, granted that both the 'bridge' and the Romulan's ship have been updated to current technology levels. However, the situation is still one that can not accure in real life. Maybe a hundred years ago in Admiral Kirk's time, but not today." "Well, now, is that a fact?", the Captain asks, walking around the 'bridge' to face Wesley. "Q!", Wesley says, seeing who the 'Captain' really is. Sweat breaks out on Wesley's forehead, nervous over what Q may do. "Seeing as how Cadet Crusher thinks this test is too easy," Q continues to the cadets. No one except Wesley realizes this is not the Captain who's in charge of their class. "You will all retake the test. But at a much harder level!" Q snaps his fingers, and all the cadets are teleported off of the mock bridge in a flash of white light. <<< To be continued....>>> Kobiashi Q (part 2) ------------------- "Ensign Crusher, ahead warp factor 3. Engage." "Huh?" As he looks around, Wesley notices he's sitting at an Navigation Station, and as he turns to his left, he notices his roommate Scotty sitting at an Ops Station. A very familiar looking Ops station. As Wesley completes his turn to face the back of the bridge, he's surprised to see Lt. Cmdr. Data sitting in the Captain's Chair. "Data, what's going on here?", Wesley asks the android. "Is there a problem with your memory, Mr. Crusher?", Data asks in response. "You are onboard the Enterprise, assigned here for your cadet cruise. Now, is there a problem with my order?" Turning quickly back to face his station, Wesley replies, "No, sir! Ahead warp factor 3. I- I just felt a little disoriented for a second, sir." "If it happens again, report immediately to Sickbay, Mr. Crusher.", orders Data. "Aye, sir.", replies Wesley. "Psst! Wesley! What's wrong with you?", whispers Scotty so that only Wesley can hear him. "I- I don't know.", Wesley whispers back. "Last thing I remember, we had just taken the Kobiashi Maru test, and were getting chewed out by the Captain for our poor performance. I could've sworn when I saw the Captain, he wasn't who he was suppose to be. But- I can't remember who he was." "Mr. Crusher, if you'll forgive the pun, I'm crushed! How can you forget me?" Turning around again, Wesley sees Q sitting in the Captain's Chair instead of Data. Everyone else on the bridge but himself and Q are frozen in place. "So, I wasn't imaging things.", comments Wesley, trying to appear unafraid. "Wesley, who is this?" Turning towards his right, Wesley can see that Scotty is also moving, and has also turned to face Q. "This, Scotty, is Q. An old adversary of Captain Picard, and the rest of the Enterprise." "Scotty... Scotty.... Now where have I heard that name before? Ah, yes! The engineer of the old Enterprise. How's your grandfather doing these days, Scotty? Still playing with those tinker toys he calls an engine?" "My- my grandfather is dead.", replies Scotty, not sure of how to respond. He's heard from Wesley of what Q's done the past times he's appeared onboard the Enterprise. "Oh. I forgot how short a life span you humans have. Be proud that you knew him. He's one of the few humans I'll miss." Before either Wesley or Scotty can react, Q continues. "But I digress. You asked what was going here, Wesley. Well, I'll tell you. You, and the rest of your class, are going to retake that test you found so unrealistic back in the academy. Only this time, I've updated it so it will be VERY realistic." With a flash of light, Q disappears and the rest of the bridge crew resumes moving as if nothing is wrong. "Data, we've just been visited by Q!", Wesley says as soon as Data reappears. "Visited by who, Ensign Crusher?", asks Data. "Uh, uh!", comes Q's disembodied voice which only Wesley can apparently hear. "I've erased the memory of me from anyone who may know me. Everyone, except you. I want you to remember what it is you've gotten yourself, and your classmates, into." "Wes, I thinks we's in trouble now.", Scotty says. "You hear him too Scots?" "Yes. And I don't like it. How realistic do you think this will be?" "Fully.", Welsey says with a shudder. "Sir, I'm receiving a distress call!", reports the cadet at the Communications Station. "On speakers.", responds Data. "Here we go!", Scotty WHISPERS to Wesley. "... imperative!", comes the frightened voice through the static. "This is the Kobiashi Maru, nineteen periods out of Altair IV. We've struck a gravitational mine, and have lost both impulse and warp drive. We're adrift, currently..." "Ensign, open a hailing frequency.", orders Data. "Hailing frequency open, sir. Communications established. Putting their captain on screen.", responds the communation's cadet. "Ensign, while I do appreciate your enthusiasm, wait for my command next time. I may have not wanted visual contact.", informs Data. "Yes, sir.", replies the communications cadet, dejected. "Kobiashi Maru, this is the Enterprise. What is your current position?", Data says as the Kobiashi Maru's captain appears on the main view screen. "Enterprise, we are currently adrift in the Gamma Hydra quadrant, Sector Ten.", replies the captain. "Sir, that's within the Romulan neutral zone.", informs Scotty. "Acknowledged, Maru. Understood, Ensign Scott. We will arrive shortly to assist. Any Romulans within your sensor range?", asks Data. "Our sensors are also out, Enterprise. None were detected during our last sc-" The picture of the Kobiashi Maru's captain is suddenly replaced by the view of the stars around the Enterprise. "Sir, we've lost contact with the Kobiashi Maru. Attempting to re-establish.", informs the cadet at communications. "Inform me once communications are back, ensign. Mr. Crusher, plot a course towards the Gamma Hydra quadrant, Warp 8. Engage when ready." "Engaging, sir. May I suggest raising shields as a precaution until we arrive at the Maru, sir?" "Stop using preknowledge!", whispers Scotty. "An excellent suggestion, Mr. Crusher. Go to yellow alert. Raise shields.", orders Data. "Sir, do you wish me to report to Engineering?", Wesley asks Data. "Negative. You're the most experienced navigations officer currently onboard. If Geordie requires you in Engineering, he'll call for you." "Sir!", Wesley turns around in surprise to Data's statement. "If I may be so bold, just how many noncadets are currently onboard?" "Myself, Lt. Cmdr. Laforge, and Dr. Crusher. Everyone else is either a cadet or a recent graduate of the academy. Now, please tend your station, Mr. Crusher. I understand your concern, but we must render assistance while it is safe for us to do so." "Aye, sir", Wesley says, turning back to his station. As he passes Scotty, he can see him visibly shaking at the new knowledge that there are only three experienced officers onboard, four counting Wesley. "Sir, where is everyone else from the regular crew?", Wesley asks Data without looking away from his station. "The Enterprise is only a training vessel, Mr. Crusher, as you should know by now. There is no regular crew. Is your disorientation returning?" "No, sir.", replies Wesley. {Damn that Q!}, Wesley thinks to himself. In his head, Wesley can hear Q's laughter at his fustration. A few minutes later, Wesley informs Data that the Enterprise has entered the neutral zone. Five minutes after that, Scotty reports finding the Kobiashi Maru on sensors, still adrift in the Gamma Hydra quadrant. Despite all attempts, communications can not be re-established. "Ensign Crusher, bring us out of warp. Ensign Scott, from this point on, I want a constant scan for Romulans. Cadet, continue attempts to contact the Kobiashi Maru.", orders Data. "Aye, sir.", all three respond. "Sir, are there any tricks I can use to spot a cloaked Romulan ship?", Scotty asks. "A good question, Ensign. Unfortunately, the Romulans recently began using a new, improved type of cloaking device. As far as we know, there are no tricks that can currently spot a ship with these new cloaks. All we can hope for, Ensign, is that we'll not encounter a Romulan ship, or that we encounter one with an old, detectable cloak.", informs Data. "Ensign Crusher, bring us within tracker beam range if the Kobiashi Maru. If she's stable enough, we'll tow her back to Federation space. If the ship can't survive the trip, or needs immediate help due to failing life support, we'll transport all her crew onboard and leave the disabled ship behind. We must minimize our time within the neutral zone at all costs.", Data tells the bridge crew. "Coming within tractor beam range now, sir.", Wesley says. "Sir, sensors show the Kobiashi Maru's life support is failing fast.", Scotty says, alarmed. "Engineering, begin emergency evacuation of the Kobiashi Maru. Use all transporters, including cargo, as necessary.", Data orders through his comm badge. "Understood, Data.", comes Geordie's voice over the bridge speakers. "We can begin as soon as we lower shields. The Kobiashi Maru hasn't enough power for shields." "Ensign Scott, any sign of Romulans?" "None, sir", replies Scotty. "Lower shields." "Shields lowered.", reports the cadet at the weapons console. As soon as the shields go down, the ship is rocked by a hit. Automatically, the shields go back up. "Sir, I still detect no other ships in the area!", informs Scott. "Apparently, the Romulans no longer have to decloak to fire.", concludes Data. "We must report this to Star Fleet Command. Communications, prepare an emergency message, informing Star Fleet of our situation and the new development of the Romulans cloaking device. Even if we do not survive, Star Fleet will still be informed." "Message sent.", replies the obviously scared cadet. "Mr. Crusher, evasive maneuvers. See if we can pin-point their position by drawing their fire. Weapons, charge all phasers and load all photon torpedo tubes. Communications, try and raise the Romulans. Inform them we are on a rescue mission." "No response, sir.", informs the communications cadet as the ship is hit again. "Shields weakening!", informs weapons. "Whatever weapon the Romulans are using, it is NOT phasers. The weapon also remains cloaked until we are hit. We can not pin-point them by following the weapon's trail back to it's source." "Understood. Fire a photon torpedo spread, both fore and aft, as wide as possible. Avoid hitting the Kobiashi Maru." As the weapons cadet begins to perform Data's orders, the ship is hit again, and the weapons console explodes, killing the cadet at that station. "Computer, reroute Nav to the Ops console, and weapons to the Nav console. Ensign Crusher, take over weapons. Ensign Scott, take over navigations as well as ops." "Acknowledged.", responds the computer. "Aye, sir", respond Wesley and Scotty. "Ensign Scotty, plot a course back to Federation space, warp 9. En-" Just then, the ship is hit a fourth time, and the shields crumple. When the smoke clears a little, Wesley can see a support girder has disabled Data. As the most experienced (and only surviving) officer left on the bridge, Wesley gulps, and takes command. "Scotty, engage Data's orders! Engineering, Data's disabled! Can Geordie take command?" "Negative!", replies one of th cadets down in Engineering. "The commander is unconsciousness! We're on our own!" "Understood, Engineering. What is our fasted possible speed?" "I- I don't know! These engines are more advanced than any I've ever studied! I need help down here! What do I do?!" "Calm down, I'm on my way down!", replies Wesley. "Scotty, wait for my command to engage." "You got it, Wes. I'll maintain evasive maneuvers until I hear from you!" As Wesley arrives at Engineering, he sees the situation is worse than he expected. Engineering took a direct hit went the shield colasped. Without anyone to co-ordinate actions, the cadets were in disarray, one doing one thing, another countering it. "Alright, let's get organized here!", Wesley shouts, getting everyone's attention. "Someone monitor the matter/anti-matter balance, someone monitor power distribution, I'll take over co-ordination! We've got to get out of here as fast as possible. Computer!" However, Wesley gets no response. "The computer's out down here!", a cadet informs Wesley. "We're totally on manual!" "Wonderful. Okay, prepare for emergency warp. Scotty, you ready?", Wesley asks as he taps his comm badge. "All set up here. Where ever the Romulan's are, they're no longer hitting us. I've also directed us towards the edge of the neutral zone so much as I can and still do evasive maneuvers from something I can't see." "Great. Engage... NOW!" But, as luck would have it, the engines stall, leaving the ship with no warp drive whatsoever. Worse, something lets go, and half the engineering crew die in the explosion. The rest, Wesley included, evacuate the now useless engine room. "Enterprise,", comes a slightly hissing voice over the communications speakers, "prepare to be assimilated." "NO!!!!", cries Wesley, realizing now who he's really been fighting. Before he can react more, he sees the Borg shoulders start to appear. Who else but the Borg could raise Romulan cloaking technology to the degree it is now at. As Wesley arrives back at the bridge, he see everyone but Scotty unconsciousness or died. On the screen the cube ship has decloaked. The Kobiashi Maru is no longer there; it never was. The whole thing was a trick of the Borg, and the Enterprise fell for it. "Q! Why are you doing this to us?!", Wesley cries to the empty air. Suddenly, time stops again for everyone but Wesley, and Q reappears. "Because,", Q says, "you're the bastard son of Jean-Luc Picard and Beverley Crusher, and you know how much I like tormenting you Picards." As Q disappears, his laughter can still be heard throughout the bridge. -- _ __ _ __ Remember: The WildCard always stacks ' ) / // / / ) / the deck in his favor. Anyone care / / / o // __/ / __. __ __/ for a game of stip poker? My deal. (_(_/ <_>> -- _ __ _ __ Remember: The WildCard always stacks ' ) / // / / ) / the deck in his favor. Anyone care / / / o // __/ / __. __ __/ for a game of strip poker? My deal. (_(_/ <_