It was my custom, that, while watching ST:TNG on Monday nights, I would enjoy at least one

It was my custom, that, while watching ST:TNG on Monday nights, I would enjoy at least one cup of hot tea. On one particular night while pouring my tea, I had a rather strange thought . . . :---------------"THE LIPTON INCIDENT"---------------: : : :----------------by David Caruso II----------------: *Captain's log, stardate 43215.7. The *Enterprise* has been called upon to perform a most unusual assignment. It seems that the D-Entity is preparing a cup of hot tea without the additive of sugar. We have the sugar in cargo and are currently on our way to deliver it to the D-Entity's cup shortly. The problem is this: if we are not successful in delivering the sugar, the D-Entity may become enraged and reap havoc on the system for millenniums.* "Mr. Crusher, how long to the Cambelli system?" bellowed Captain Picard. "Forty-three minutes, sir." "Mr. Worf, have the crew prepare the sugar to be launched upon our arrival. And tell them to be careful, the D-Entity is a very unstable entity, especially when it comes to hot cups of Lipton Tea." "I am well aware, sir. It will be done," answered Lt. Worf. He growled at the thought of such a powerful entity being bent on a cup of tea. What the D-Entity needs is a good strong cup of Klingon Kool-Aid! That would quench its thirst for an adequate period of time! He licked his lips at the thought of cherry flavor. . . . Picard had a thought. "Mr. Data, what do we know about the D-Entity?" Data turned around in his seat, sitting upright, as always. "The David-Entity, better known as the D-Entity, has occupied the Cambelli system since our first sensor logs indicated its presence some 158 years ago, by the starship *Teabox*. There were reports of the D-Entity hailing nearby starships to bring it huge amounts of sugar for its massive cups of tea that it enjoyed, usually when watching us frolic around the universe week-nights at nine o'clock PM on Fox-24, an old-style Earth television station. "We have reports of several Romulan battle-cruisers that were called to bring the teabag for the D-Entity's tea. They were not able to complete the mission according to the D-entity's specifications." "What became of them, Data?" inquired Commander Riker. "Upon arrival to the system, the Romulans were swept up by an enormous hand and used to complete the mobile in the D-Entity's place of residence." "A mobile? What's that?" Data turned his expression sombre. "The Romulans are now hanging by strings from a ceiling as decorations in the D-Entity's place of residence, spinning about endlessly!" Picard puzzled at this for a moment. "We'd best do this right or we may have the same fate as our Romulan predecessors. Mr. Crusher, increase speed to warp eight!" "Aye, sir. Increasing speed to warp eight." With a rapid conjunction of finger movements, the ship began hurling along at warp eight--pretty damn fast. A short time later, the *Enterprise* sped into their destination. "Sir, we have reached the Cambelli system," reported Wesley Crusher. "Slow to one-half impulse speed," Commander Riker commanded. "Slowing to one-half impulse." "We have visual, captain," informed Worf. "On screen." The computer let out a friendly acknowledgement of Worf's command at the console. The bridge crew gaped in disbelief. "Is that a real teacup, Mr. Worf?" "Scanning . . . sensors show composition to be chiefly ceramic sir, with a few elements unknown to our ship's computer. It is a teacup." Suddenly, without warning, just like that, the ship rocked about, as if being hit by Romulan photon blasts. "Damage report!" bellowed Picard. Chief engineer Jorde La Forge's voice came on the intercom. "No damage, captain. It appears we were just shaken around." "Sickbay reports no casualties," said Worf. Riker spoke up. "Go to yellow alert." The computer replied with a low siren. Automatically, the shields engaged and the weapons systems became armed. "Mr. Crusher, place us over the rim of the cup, 100 kilometers!" "Coming about to 128 mark 57." The *Enterprise* maneuvered into position above the massive cup. "Full stop." "Mr. Worf, prepare sugar for scooping." But before Worf could respond affirmative, the computer signaled the bridge: perimeter alert. "Sir, an unknown entity has just appeared on scanners! It is right behind us, sir!" said Worf. "On screen," commanded the captain. Instantly they beheld the object of their worst nightmares. Not ten Romulan battle-cruisers firing photon spreads, not a black hole, not even a star going super-nova . . . a tea kettle, about to pour hot water, and they were in the way! Data chimmed in. "Sir, due to the velocity of the water emerging from the spout of that kettle, we will be exposed in 24 seconds." "Worf, fire sugar capsules, now!" With a flick of the wrist and a do-si-do, the burning white capsules were fired into the giant cup, igniting all over its bottom, spreading appropriately. "Capsules delivered." "Get us out of here Mr. Crusher, warp six, any heading!" The *Enterprise* promptly spun about, engines firing, and just before disaster, shot out into open space. The immense flow of water fell into the cup, turning white and brown as it soaked through the teabag and dissolved the sugar. Pour water in space? Why, there's no gravity! Yes, but this is my story, and I can do whatever I damn well please! The relieved *Enterprise* sped through space, triumphant once again. Wesley, bright-eyed and excited, gave, "that was close! Another second and we'd all be swimming in boiling hot water! Wow!" Picard wiped the sweat off his brow. "Data, did I see writing on that giant teacup?" "You did, sir." "What did it say?" "It said . . . 'I love my attitude problem,' sir." Many months later, the crew of the *Enterprise* had all but forgotten the D-Entity and were growing very complacent about how they were handling things in the universe. . . . *Captain's personal log, stardate 44517.9. A great earthman once said that if you are going to do a job, do it right, or not at all. Every day I find this sort of mentality as an intricate part in the attitudes of my crew on the *Enterprise*. Let us face the facts . . . the *Enterprise* is a hip-hopping, kick-butt, flying power fortress. No one, and let me repeat, no one can take us on! Come on Romulan fleet, come on quivering Q; bring on stiff-necked Borg any stardate! There'll just be two hits, and two hits only! Us hitting them, and them hitting space debris! We warp in here, impulse in there -- and the boggly-eyed freakazoidal aliens can--* "Worf to Captain Picard!" Lt. Worf's voice came in the intercom in Picard's ready-room. Captain Picard tapped his com-badge. "Yes, Worf?" "Sensors are picking up an unknown entity. Its course and speed is matching ours . . . hold . . . it has increased speed to warp 28!" "I'm on my way." Picard tapped his log console and headed for the bridge. As Picard walked to the middle seat on the bridge, Data, with a serious look on his face and fingers flying over his console, spoke out loud. "The entity will collide with us in nine seconds." "Red alert. Change heading to 134 mark 5," ordered Picard. "Aye, sir," Wesley said. "Hail the vessel, all frequencies, all languages." Worf affirmed, "Aye, sir. Hailing . . . no response. We are still being followed!" "Mr. Crusher drop out of warp, now!" Picard commanded. The *Enterprise* slowed to one-half impulse speed; just in time before colliding with the pursing entity. "Captain, the alien vessel has dropped out of warp and is within visual range," Data said. "On screen." The computer let a friendly acknowledgement and presented the bridge crew of the *Enterprise* with its pursuer, causing them to gape in awe. "Data, isn't that the giant teacup we delivered sugar to in the Cambelli system?" asked Riker. "Sensors are picking up some unusual energy readings coming from the vessel, but other than that it appears to be the vessel of the D-Entity," Data replied. Worf interjected. "Sir, it is hailing us!" "On screen." The screen changed to deep purple, then black. Suddenly, they were watching themselves during their last encounter with the D-Entity. It showed the *Enterprise* firing the sugar capsules into the giant teacup, then blasting into warp just before being melted by boiling hot water coming from a super-sized tea kettle. Just then, the image changed. It showed a huge pair of human-looking lips bringing the teacup to its mouth; then, after tasting the contents, spitting the tea in a collosal explosion into space. The lips then turned towards the screen and began to speak. "YOU HAVE DEFIED ME. I NOT DRINK TEA WITH THAT CHEAP BRAND SUGAR. YOU MUST PAY." Just then, it began to speak furiously; talking so fast that no one understood what it said -- except Data. "Data, did you catch that?" asked Picard. "Yes, sir. It said that it is very particular about its tea-drinking enjoyment, and only uses *Pure Cane* sugar from an island on Earth called Hawaii. It said that the brand we gave it, *Food Club*, was an insult to serious tea-drinking entities everywhere. Picard thought to himself. *All this coming from something who drinks Lipton. Everyone knows that Earl Gray is the finest!* All of sudden, from out of the blue, just like that, without warning, the *Enterprise* rocked back and forth. Troi finally chimmed in. "Captain! I sense great hostility emanating from that teacup!" "Battle stations! Shields up! Arm phasers, load photon torpedo bays!" *Yes!* Worf thought. *Finally battle! Maybe we will all be destroyed, and I will have died in combat! Where is the self-destruct button . . .* The teacup with the words 'I Love My Attitude Problem' on it spinned about and faced its opening towards the *Enterprise*. Picard thought fast. "Worf, fire a burst of photons torpedos at the cup." "Aye, sir," Worf responded. *Yes!* The sparkling red balls shot forth from the *Enterprise* and dispersed in order to inflict maximum damage upon the D-Entity. Explosions abounded, but the giant teacup lay unscathed. Riker was astonished. "That's some quality ceramic . . ." But before anyone could utter any other words of surprise, something was happening. From inside the teacup, a vessel was emerging. It drifted loose and moved in the direction of the *Enterprise*. "Lock phasers on the approaching vessel. Fire when ready." Picard gave the order. Streams of light needled through space, penetrating the vessel as it approached. Little chunks of an unknown substance slowly sprang forth, but the blasts did not hinder it. "Data, what is it?" asked Riker. "Accessing . . ." his eyes darted back and forth. "It is a teabag, sir, of giant proportions." "What the hell is a teabag?" demanded Riker. "Before the dawn of food processing units, humans made tea by filtering water through a permeable bag containing tea leaves." "Those must of been the objects we loosened when we fired our phasers," gave Picard. "Mr. Crusher, get us out of here! Full about, warp six! Engage!" Picard completed the order with a swing of his arm, one finger pointing forward. The computer let out a stressed-distress signal. "Power drain on main engines!" "Bridge to Jorde," said Riker. "What's going on?" Jorde's voice came on the intercom. "We've lost power to the warp engines; attempting a bypass . . ." "Make it fast, Jorde," Picard ordered. Suddenly, the giant teabag lurched forward and enveloped the *Enterprise*. They were surrounded in tea leaves! "Captain," Data started. "We've been encased inside the entity." Picard let out under his breath, "Shit!" Worf thought to himself, *. . . looking forward to a good fight, and we get stuck in some teabag!* Just then, in a flash of silverly light, Q appeared, wearing a milkman's garb. "Troubles, Capitan?" "Q! Is this one of your silly games?!" "And you thought you were ready!" Q's voice went harsh. "The Borg were nothing! How are you going to handle this? Poor, poor thing! Stuck in a teabag and no where to go! Tisk, tisk--" The turbolift door suddenly opened, and out came Ginan. "I knew you couldn't keep away, Q!" "We'll, if it isn't the barmaid, jaunting on to the bridge! Perhaps you should wonder back to your dive, barkeep!" With that, Q threw forth his hands and shot blue streaks of lightning from his fingertips. Ginan, one step ahead of him, quickly removed her huge hat and bore it as a shield. The hat reflected the rays and shot them outward, directly into Troi's cleavage. Troi let out a gasp and ran off the bridge, humiliated. "Can't you two take your bickering somewhere else?" Picard growled. "I can see the captain isn't coming to your aid this time, Dive Queen! Care to step outside?!" With two swirling flashes of light, Q and Ginan were gone. "Suggestions, any one?" Picard asked. Worf muttered to himself, "Wimps . . ." Then his console alerted him. "Captain! We are receiving a sub-space transmission! Source unknown," then in a disgruntled voice, "the tea leaves are blocking our scanners." "What is the nature of transmission?" "Audio only." "Put it on, Mr. Worf." A rather arrogant and superior voice filled the bridge. "You guys leave your cloaking device at home again?" With these words, something was beamed on to the bridge. It was shaped like an umbrella, with little lights sparkling from inside. "Bridge to Jorde! Proceed to the bridge immediately." Five minutes later, Jorde appeared. Riker accosted him. "What took you so long, mister?" "I was a little tied up." "We need you up here!" Riker returned angrily. "What were you doing?" Jorde looked down at his feet, hesitating. "I said, what were you doing?!" Jorde flared up, staring Riker dead in the face. "I WAS ON THE JOHN, ALL RIGHT?! IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?! Or do some people not use the john? . . . We have so many engineers on this ship, yet I always end up having to do everything! Remember the time Deanna was gone and I fixed the hollodeck for you because you were--" "Shhh!" Riker lifted a finger to his lips and moved in closer to Jorde to speak to him confidentially. Picard, fed up with this alienation of the bridge crew, motioned for Worf to tune in the audio sensors on Riker's lips and patch it to the ship-wide intercom. Suddenly, unknown to Riker, his voice was blaring in everyone's ears: "Hey, you know what happened, man! Without Deanna around I get so damned horny! I thought I returned the favor by sending you a copy of my program. You can't tell me you've ever been to a planet in real life where all the woman have the largest gazoobas you--" Just then the whole ship rocked with laughter. Riker, blushing, made his way off the bridge. "Jorde, what is that thing?" Picard asked, pointing to the strange object that had been beamed on to the bridge. After careful study with a tricorder, Jorde came up with an answer. "I don't believe it, Captain. As far as I can tell, this is a cloaking device." "A cloaking device?" Picard puzzled for a moment. "From who?" "I don't know, but look at this. A knob of some sort. And there's writing, but I can't make it out. Data?" Data arose from the his seat and went over to look at the device. "The writing is Romulan. Above the knob, it reads, 'to escape, select with knob, then push button.' There are many settings. From the top, moving clockwise, they are: Federation, Klingon dogs, Borg, Q, and . . . teabags!" "Can we use that device?" "I don't know, Captain, but I could give it a shot," answered Jorde. "Make it so. I don't see many other alternatives!" Everyone took their original posts and Jorde turned the knob to 'teabags.' "Engaging Romulan cloaking device now." Jorde pushed the button. "Mr. Crusher, move us ahead, one-quarter impulse." "Aye, sir. One-quarter impulse." The *Enterprise* began to shake slightly, then lugged forward. A moment later, it broke free of the teabag, filling the forward viewscreen with a myriad of stars. The bridge crew let out triumphant cries. Picard exclaimed, "Yes!" and shook his fist, the expression on his face as serious as ever. Worf's console immediately lit up. "Captain! Romulan warbird decloaked to starboard, they are firing! Energy streams also emerging from the teacup." "Shields at maximum. Go to red alert! Arm main phasers. Ready photons!" Instantly the *Enterprise* awoke with activity; pulsating lights and undulating sirens pervaded the entire ship. Worf spoke again, "They are exchanging fire!" "Mr. Crusher, put us at a safe distance." "Aye, sir." With the giant teabag laying dormant, the *Enterprise* moved slightly away from the scene, watching. "I got two hollo-sessions on the teacup!" Jorde declared. "Aye!" cried Lt. Worf. "I'll match your two and double it! I've yet to see a warrior teacup!" "You're on!" Soon the whole bridge was yelling and jumping up and down, shaking their fists wildly and staring at the viewscreen. The D-Entity and the Romulan warbird battled fiercely, but the Romulans appeared to be losing. Hot water spewed forth from ports in the teacup, crisping the warbird into destruction. But as the Romulans floated helplessly and the teacup was about to deliver its final blow, the whimsical happened. A giant box of Lipton 64-pack teabags droned across the scene, distracting the giant cup. The D-Entity rotated in the direction of the box and began to follow it. A few seconds later, both were smeared into a flat plane of light as they entered warp and vanished from sight. "Um . . . I had my fingers crossed," said Jorde. Worf growled. Suddenly, the commander of the warbird came on the screen, his face soaked in sweat and his body covered with ash. Panting, he exclaimed, "Fools! We thought you were Romulans! Give us back out cloaking device! We demand--" "You'll have to catch us first, Commander." Despite the cries of protest from the warbird, Picard motioned to Worf with a finger across his throat, cutting off the viewscreen. "Mr. Crusher, take us out here, warp eight, any heading. Engage!" * * * "The Lipton Incident" was written on January 11 and April 22, 1991. :-------------------------------------------------------------------: : David Caruso II "ONLY LOVE CAN MAKE LOVE . . ." : : University of Kansas : : caruso@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu David Rhodes/Peter Gabriel : :-------------------------------------------------------------------: -------------------------------------------------------------------------- :-----------------------------------------------------: : THE LIPTON INCIDENT II: RETURN OF THE D-ENTITY : : : : Rapidstory #16 by David Caruso II, April 22, 1991 : :-----------------------------------------------------: *Captain's log, stardate 44517.9. A great earth-man once said that if you are going to do a job, do it right, or not at all. Every day I find this sort of mentality as an intricate part in the attitudes of my crew on the *Enterprise*. Let us face the facts . . . the *Enterprise* is a hip-hopping, kick-butt, flying power fortress. No one, and let me repeat, no one can take us on! Come on Romulan fleet, come on quivering Q; bring on stiff-necked Borg any stardate! There'll just be two hits, and two hits only! Us hitting them, them them hitting space debris! We warp in here, impulse in there -- and the boggly-eyed freakazoidal aliens can--* "Captain!" Lt. Worf's came in the intercom in Picard's ready-room. Captain Picard tapped his com-badge. "Yes, Worf?" "Sensors are picking up an unknown entity. Its course and speed is matching ours . . . hold . . . it has increased speed to warp 28!" "I'm on my way." Picard tapped his log console and headed for the bridge. As Picard walked to the middle seat on the bridge, Data, with a serious look on his face and fingers flying over his console, spoke out loud. "The entity will collide with us in 9 seconds." "Red alert. Change heading to 134 mark 5," ordered Picard. "Aye, sir," Wesley said. "Hail the vessel, all frequencies, all languages." Worf affirmed, "Aye, sir. Hailing . . . no response. We are still being followed!" "Mr. Crusher drop out of warp, now!" Picard commanded. The *Enterprise* slowed to one-half impulse speed; just in time before colliding with the pursing entity. "Captain, the alien vessel has dropped out of warp and is within visual range," Data said. "On screen." The computer let a friendly acknowledgement and presented the bridge crew of the *Enterprise* with its pursuer, causing them to gape in awe. "Data, isn't that the giant teacup we delivered sugar to in the Cambelli system?" asked Riker. "Sensors are picking up some unusual energy readings coming from the vessel, but other than that it appears to be the vessel of the D-Entity," Data replied. Worf interjected. "Sir, it is hailing us!" "On screen." The screen changed to deep purple, then black. Suddenly, they were watching themselves during their last encounter with the D-Entity. It showed the *Enterprise* firing the sugar capsules into the giant teacup, then blasting into warp just before being melted by boiling hot water coming from a super-sized tea kettle. Just then, the image changed. It showed a huge pair of human-looking lips bringing the teacup to its mouth, then, after tasting the contents, spitting the tea in a collosal explosion into space. The lips then turned towards the screen and began to speak. "YOU HAVE DEFIED ME. I NOT DRINK TEA WITH THAT CHEAP BRAND SUGAR. YOU MUST PAY." Just then, it began to speak furiously; talking so fast that no one understood what it said -- except Data. "Data, did you catch that?" asked Picard. "Yes, sir. It said that it is very particular about its tea-drinking enjoyment, and only uses *Pure Cain* sugar from an island on Earth called Hawaii. It said that the brand we gave it, *Food Club*, was an insult to serious tea-drinking entities everywhere. Picard thought to himself. *All this coming from something who drinks Lipton. Everyone knows that Earl Gray is the finest!* All of sudden, from out of the blue, just like that, without warning, the *Enterprise* rocked back and forth. Troi finally chimmed in. "Captain! I sense great hostility emanating from that teacup!" "Battle stations! Shields up! Arm phasers, load photon torpedo bays!" *Yes!* Worf thought. *Finally! Maybe we will all be destroyed, and I will have died in combat! Where is the self-destruct button . . .* The teacup with the words 'I Love My Attitude Problem' on it spinned about and faced its opening towards the *Enterprise*. Picard thought fast. "Worf, fire a burst of photons torpedos at the cup." "Aye, sir," Worf responded. *Yes!* The sparkling red balls shot forth from the *Enterprise* and dispersed in order to inflict maximum damage upon the D-Entity. Explosions abounded, but the giant teacup lay unscathed. Riker was astonished. "That's some quality ceramic . . ." But before anyone could utter any other words of surprise, something was happening. From inside the teacup, a vessel was emerging. It drifted loose and moved in the direction of the *Enterprise*. "Lock phasers on the approaching vessel. Fire when ready." Picard gave the order. Streams of light shot forth, penetrating the vessel as it approached. Little chunks of an uknown substance slowly sprang forth, but the blasts did not hinder it. "Data, what is it?" asked Riker. "Accessing . . ." his eyes darted back and forth. "It is a tea bag, sir, of giant proportions." "What the hell is a teabag?" demanded Riker. "Before the dawn of food processing units, humans made tea by filtering water through a permeable bag containing tea leaves." "Those must of been the objects we loosened when we fired our phasers," gave Picard. "Mr. Crusher, get us out of here! Full about, warp six! Engage!" Picard completed the order with a swing of his arm, one finger pointing forward. The computer let out a stressed-distress signal. "Power drain on main engines!" "Bridge to Geordi," said Riker. "What's going on?" Geordi's voice came on the intercom. "We've lost power to the warp engines; attempting a bypass . . ." "Make it fast, Geordi," Picard ordered. Suddenly, the giant teabag lurched forward and enveloped the *Enterprise*. They were surrounded in tea leaves! "Captain," Data started. "We've been encased inside the entity." Picard let out under his breath, "Shit!" Worf thought to himself, *. . . looking forward to a good fight, and we get stuck in some teabag!* Just then, in a flash of silverly light, Q appeared, wearing a milkman's garb. "Troubles, Capitano?" "Q! Is this one of your silly games?!" "And you thought you were ready!" Q's voice went harsh. "The Borg were nothing! How are you going to handle this? Poor, poor thing! Stuck in a teabag and no where to go! Tisk, tisk--" The turbolift door suddenly opened, and out came Ginan. "I knew you couldn't keep away, Q!" "We'll, if it isn't the barmaid, jaunting on to the bridge! Perhaps you should wonder back to your dive, barkeep!" With that, Q threw forth his hands and shot blue streaks of lightning from his fingertips. Ginan, one step ahead of him, quickly removed her huge hat and bore it as a shield. The hat reflected the rays and shot them outward, directly into Troi's cleavage. Troi let out a gasp and ran off the bridge, humiliated. "Can't you two take your bickering somewhere else?" Picard growled. "I can see the captain isn't coming to your aid this time, Dive Queen! Care to step outside?!" With two swirling flashes of light, Q and Ginan were gone. "Suggestions, any one?" Picard asked. Worf muttered to himself, "Wimps . . ." Then his console alerted him. "Captain! We are receiving a sub-space transmission! Source unknown," then in a disgruntled voice, "the tea leaves are blocking are scanners." "What is the nature of transmission?" "Audio only." "Put it on, Mr. Worf." A rather arrogant and superior voice filled the bridge. "You guys leave your cloaking device at home again?" With these words, something was beamed on to the bridge. It was shaped like an umbrella, with little lights sparkling from inside. "Bridge to Geordi! Proceed to the bridge immediately." Five minutes later, Geordi appeared. Riker accosted him. "What took you so long, mister?" "I was a little tied up." "We need you up here!" Riker returned angrily. "What were you doing?" Geordi looked down at his feet, hesitating. "I said, what were you doing?!" Geordi flared up, staring Riker dead in the face. "I WAS ON THE JOHN, ALL RIGHT?! IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?! Or do some people not use the john? . . . We have so many engineers on this ship, yet I always end up having to do everything! Remember the time Deanna was gone and I fixed the hollodeck for you because you were--" "Shhh!" Riker lifted a finger to his lips and moved in closer to Geordi to speak to him confidentially. Picard, fed up with this alienation of the bridge crew, motioned for Worf to tune in the audio sensors on Riker's lips and patch it to the ship-wide intercom. Suddenly, unknown to Riker, his voice was blaring in everyone's ears: "Hey, you know what happened, man! Without Deanna around I get so damned horny! I thought I returned the favor by sending you a copy of my program. You can't tell me you've ever been to a planet in real life where all the woman have the largest gazoobas you--" Just then the whole ship rocked with laughter. Riker, blushing, made his way off the bridge. "Geordi, what is that thing?" Picard asked, pointing to the strange object that had been beamed on to the bridge. After careful study with a tricorder, Geordi came up with an answer. "I don't believe it, Captain. As far as I can tell, this is cloaking device." "A cloaking device?" Picard puzzled for a moment. "From who?" "I don't know, but look at this. A knob of some sort. And there's writing, but I can't make it out. Data?" Data arose from the his seat and went over to look at the device. "The writing is Romulan. Above the knob, it reads, 'to escape, select with knob, then push button.' There are many settings. From the top, moving clockwise, they are: Federation, Klingon dogs, Borg, Q, and . . . teabags!" "Can we use that device?" "I don't know, Captain, but I could give it a shot," answered Geordi. "Make it so. I don't see many other alternatives!" Everyone took their original posts and Geordi turned the knob to 'teabags.' "Engaging Romulan cloaking device now." Geordi pushed the button. "Mr. Crusher, move us ahead, one-quarter impulse." "Aye, sir. One-quarter impulse." The *Enterprise* began to shake slightly, then lugged forward. A moment later, it broke free of the teabag, filling the forward viewscreen with a myriad of stars. The bridge crew let out triumphant cries. Picard exclaimed, "Yes!" and shook his fist, the expression on his face as serious as ever. Worf's console immediately it up. "Captain! Romulan warbird decloaked to starboard, they are firing! Energy streams also emerging from the teacup." "Shields at maximum. Go to red alert! Arm main phasers. Ready photons!" Worf spoke again, "They are exchanging fire!" "Mr. Crusher, put us at a safe distance." "Aye, sir." With the giant teabag laying dormant, the *Enterprise* moved slightly away from the scene, watching. "I got 2 hollo-sessions on the teacup!" Geordi declared. "Aye!" cried Lt. Worf. "I'll match your two and double it! I've yet to see a warrior teacup!" "You're on!" Soon the whole bridge was yelling and jumping up and down, shaking their fists wildly and staring at the viewscreen. The D-Entity and the Romulan warbird battled fiercely, but the Romulans appeared to be losing. Hot water spewed forth from ports in the teacup, crisping the warbird into destruction. But as the Romulans floated helplessly and the teacup was about to deliver its final blow, the whimsical happened. A giant box of Lipton 64-pack teabags droned across the scene, obviously distracting the giant cup. The D-Entity rotated in the direction of the box and began to follow it. A few seconds later, both were smeared into a flat plane of light as they entered warp and vanished from sight. "Um . . . I had my fingers crossed," said Geordi. Worf growled. Suddenly, the commander of the warbird came on the screen, his face soaked in sweat and his body covered with ash. Panting, he exclaimed, "Fools! We thought you were Romulans! Give us back out cloaking device! We demand--" "You'll have to catch us first, Commander." Despite the cries of protest from the warbird, Picard motioned to Worf with a finger across his throat, cutting off the viewscreen. "Mr. Crusher, take us out here, warp eight, any heading. Engage!" * * * :-------------------------------------------------------------------: : David Caruso II "ONLY LOVE CAN MAKE LOVE . . ." : : University of Kansas : : caruso@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu David Rhodes/Peter Gabriel : :-------------------------------------------------------------------: