Subject: Star Trek: The Mac Generation Date: 20 May 92 21:07:39 GMT Star Trek--The Mac Gen

From: cctony@sun1.mcsr.olemiss.edu (Tony Reynolds) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: Star Trek: The Mac Generation Message-ID: <1992May20.210739.22666@ra.msstate.edu> Date: 20 May 92 21:07:39 GMT Organization: Mississippi Center for Supercomputing Research Star Trek--The Mac Generation What if... The Big-E computer's were Macintoshes? I only hope I don't run out of MacJokes before the end of the script.... Granted, I don't hate Macs, I just had this *urge* to think about this one day, and... zowie! ------------------------------------------------------------------ SFX: Clicka-Clicka Picard voice-over: Ahem... Captain's Log, Stardate Inconsequential. After a recent overhaul and renaming, the MacEnterprise is on another of those routine missions to deliver urgently needed medical supplies to a colony about to be consumed by disease. The writers used the StarTrekPlotGenerate() call and this is what we got. TEASER The Scene: Int. MacEnterprise Bowling Alley [The officers and crew are involved in the MacEnterprise Bowling Tournament. Data is sulking because they have disqualified him for the 300 average he holds. Teams crucial to this scene include (Riker, Worf, Geordi, and O'Brien), and (The just returned Wesley, Bev, Troi, and Picard)] Riker: [at other team]Slimeballs. Watch this! [Bowls a round. Makes a spare.] [under his breath] Computer games, I'm better at. Wesley: That's nothing, Commander Riker. At the Academy, I was the number one pinball player. Surely this is nothing different. I'll just manipulate the warp field of the ball.... [bowls a strike] Worf: I move that we fry the little wimp. Manipulate HIS warp field. SFX: The Macintosh Ping! Sound Voice: First Bridge Team to the bridge! First Bridge Team to the bridge! [Bridge crew runs out of the bowling alley. Sign on elevator door in Helvetica 14 reads, "Welcome to MacEnterprise."] END TEASER SCENE 1 [Cue Music. Picard voice-over: Space...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship MacEnterprise. Its 5 year mission(recently revised): To make higher margains, to sucker yuppies, to boldly sell where no one has sold before] [Every console on the bridge has a mouse. The consoles look hastily modified with add-on mousepads. The cords look used, like most mouse cords look.] SFX: The bridge scenes have multiple Clicka-Clickas in the background throughout the time the bridge is location for the scene. Macintosh Pings also randomly occur. [The bridge crew mans their seats. Departing crewmen hand over mice.] Wesley: This fool crewman reconfigured my DeskTop. Fuck. Picard: Wesley. Star Fleet Academy has done damage to your previously clean vocabulary. I suggest you tame your language on my bridge. Worf: Sensors show traces of the ion trail of an old-style Klingon vessle. It passed here approximatly five minutes ago. Riker: An old style vessle. Another run of the old sneak-attack, Mr. Worf? Data: I do not believe this to be true. Recently released Klingon Battle Command records indicate [uses mouse to scroll text] that all of the sneak-ships have been found and returned to the Empire. What is out there is not a sneak-ship. [Wesley plays with the sounds his MacConsole can make. SFX: ooo-ooo (the monkey sounds), the clink-clank, an excited woman, etc.] Picard: Mr. Crusher. I would hate to have to involve your mother. Mr. Data, plot an intercept course for the Klingon vessel. Mr. Worf, call 'em up. See if they are busy or would like to participate in a friendly game of bowling. Worf: Permission to speak freely, sir...? Picard: All right. Data: Course plotted, and laid in, sir. Worf: BOWLING is not a Klingon sport. While it may be considered suitable for humans, no Klingon would ever be caught dead playing it. I merely played the game in the interest of moral. Picard: Point taken. Get them on the blower. Mr. Data, replot that course to make our gaming intentions seem less obvious. SCENE 2: Int. MacEnterprise bridge. [Worf mouses for a sec....] Worf: I have them on audio only, Captain. [SFX: Bzzzzt, Bzzzzt goes the audio channel] Voice: This is commander Quan, Klingon Institute of Software Standards ship Fergun. You seem to have violated our space. May we remind you that your boring computers are a violation of our way of life, and serve no honor to those who use Real Computers? Data: If I may sir, I would like to explain about the Institute. Picard: Mute the channel, Mr. Worf [SFX: Clicka] Go ahead, Data. Data: The original cause of the hostilities between the Klingons and the Federation was long thought to be our computer's interface systems. Part of the peace treaty we signed with the Klingons was a provision to incorporate Klingon visual user interface design standards in our ship's systems. We have recently done so, only they have no way of knowing. Picard: Ahhh, I see. Then the only thing to do is open a visual channel. Mr. Worf? Worf: Yes? Picard: That suggestion was an order. Worf: Excuse me. Opening Channel [ Worf finishes game of ShangHai and opens a channel] The have only 320x200 resolution sir. Shall I interpolate the additional pixels, blow them up to fill the screen, or just display in their native mode? Picard: Native mode. [Picard gets up from his chair and walks over to the main viewscreen. He has to squint to see what's going on in the Klingon ship, because the image is so small.] Picard: Damn this Macintosh mentality! Quan: Excuse me? Picard: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Federation Starship MacEnterprise. We are on a mission of peace, to deliver medical supplies to a colony desperately in need of them. Quan: So? You still have boring computers! Weapons officer: Target their bridge. Captain, you and your drab crew have exactly 2 minutes to pray to whatever gods you may have. Picard: Quan! Can't you see what's changed about this ship? Have you been in deep space so long you can't even notice a mouse click when you hear one? Wesley! Wes: Aye sir? Picard: Demo Excel for them! Wes: Aye sir. Commencing resolution change.... reset. Launching Excel... loading worksheet.... building graph.... done! Picard: See, Quan! You jump to conclusions, and you could've killed many innocent people! Didn't your scans reveal over half the crew is civillian? Quan: Shut up, Captain. We know Dan Bricklen's Demo 4000 when we see it! Gunner, fire at will! Riker: Shields up! Mr. Worf, prepare to return fire! [Disruptor bolts singe the bridge, and the ship rocks. Exterior view shows the Klingon ship tearing into the MacEnterprise] Quan(maniacally): Let this be known: KISS RULES! Picard: I don't care! Hey, what's going on here...? Voice of LaForge: LaForge to bridge. Captain, we've lost the artificial gravity generators, and along with them, the inertial dampers! If we move the ship, it'll shred in a million pieces. I'm doing what I can... Picard: Continue doing so. Options, Will? Riker: I think we're pretty much down to self-destructing... SCENE 3 Voice of Bev: Captain, the medical supplies are starting to break down. If they aren't treated properly, they become useless and turn back into viruses. Picard: Exactly what kind of medical supplies are we delivering? Voice of Bev: Anti-virus software. Data (interrupting): Captain, the loss of gravity has made these new computers useless. I believe now is the time to remember what I said about sticking with IBM. Picard: Shut up Wesley! Wes: But I didn't say anything! Picard: I know, I just *had* to say that. Wes: In that case, I'm not gonna tell you about the touchscreen- like mousepad I've been working on. Riker: What touchscreenmousepad? Tell us now! [Picks up Wes by the front collar] Wes: Well, its an enhancement to the transporter system. I thought that it would be handy if the artificial gravity ever went out. Riker: Seem's like it is needed now, Ensign Crusher. Lemme explain something to you... You are gonna ... [Another blast rocks the MacEnterprise...] Data: Captain, may I suggest a different course of action? Picard: Sure, but don't get your feelings hurt if I do something else.. Data: Captain, I am incapable of having my feelings hurt. Surely... Picard (interrupting, waving him off): I know. What's your plan, Data? Data: If we were just a little more devious than we have been in the past, we could beam the Klingons the destabilzing antivirus software... They'd never know until the last moment... If we were more devious, that is. Riker (smiling): Data, I believe you've just hit on a plan! Picard: Picard to Doctor Crusher.... Doctor, can you have the antivirus software moved to Transporter Room 3? Voice of Bev: Yeah, but only if you meet me in your quarters in about 4 minutes. This lack of gravity... Picard: Certainly this situation has enough gravity.... and Wesley's here. Bev: Oh, in that case.... they're on their way. Picard: Good. Picard out. Picard to Chief O'Brien. O'Brien: Yes, Captain... What is all this stuff being brought in here? Oh, yes, I remember it now. This vaguely looks like the antivirus software we had brought aboard at this last stop.... except now it looks like its mostly made up of games? Picard: Yes I know, Mr. O'Brien. Just wait with those disks until my order. Picard out. Worf: Shall I return fire? I have removed my mousepad from the console and now have partial weapons control. [Worf shows the mouse pushing up against a shredded mousepad.] Picard: No, I have a much more subtle plan. If we destroy them now, how can we hope to get advertisers in the slot after their destruction? Open a com channel. [Worf rolls his mouse and pad together, his console Bleeps(SFX: Bleep), and the channel opens, this time in blown-up pixel mode. Every dot on the screen is about 3 inches wide. Quan is obviously rolling on the floor laughing because of the lack of gravity.] Picard: Quan: Let us solve our differences a more reasonable manner: a game of bowling. Surely Klingons can bowl. Quan (scoffing): Klingons DO NOT bowl. That is a known fact, even to you blind humans. Worf (under his breath): I told you.... Picard: Then even better, what about a computer game. If you win, we surrender. If you lose, we leave. Fair and square. Quan: You think me stupid? I have news for you, Picard. I will go along with your plan, only if *I* chose the software. Picard: Fine. Choose. [Int. Klingon bridge. Quan and officers are scrolling through a list of games on the ship's hard disk] Quan: Argh! You know I hate Crystal Quest! Kormach, do you feel up to the challenge of beating a human at this game? You know I would prefer to say to my superiors that I won the MacEnterprise in battle, but if it is a game to be won, you are the one to do it. Kormach: I can take them, easily. Quan: Then prepare yourself. Begin now. Should you fail, you know we'll have to fight them. [Kormach sits at his controls and launches CQ. Switch view to Ext. both ships, the battle scarred MacEnterprise with several figures floating in the windows] SCENE 4 [Same ext. view as Scene 3's closing. Picard voice-over: Captain's Log, Stardate Who Cares. The MacEnterprise's fate rests on the outcome of a hastily conceived plan to introduce a virus into the computers of the Klingon Institute of Software Standards vessle. Hopefully, we'll be able to get away without incurring any more serious losses.] [Int. View MacEnterprise briefing room. The normal briefing crew is there, and so is O'Brien] Picard: Brian, we're counting on you. We need you to act at a critical moment. You understand your position in the plan we have outlined? O'Brien: Yessir. I am to beam the selected virus-infected game into Mr. Riker's hand at the moment he calls for it. The game is more than likely on the pad already, because the Klingons have been in space so long, they don't have any of the newer games. Riker: Correct. This will force an infection into their systems, and we can deliver the Fergun back to the Klingons for further debriefing. And don't miss, O'Brien. Don't miss. Picard: Then good, its all settled. Mr. Worf, let's open the channel again and tell them our champion is Commander Riker. Mr. LaForge, how long before gravity is restored? LaForge: I really have no clue, captain. Every time we fix one thing, another breaks. This is the oddest set of circumstances I've ever seen! The gravity generators are always 100% functional. Picard: Perhaps it is the great scriptwriter in the sky.... Stations. [The briefed crewmembers swim out to their positions.] Worf: The channel is once again established, captain. Riker(upside-down): I am Commander William Riker. I have been chosen as the MacEnterprise's champion. I will play whatever game you make me play, and I will win at it. Quan: I believe that is to be tested, Riker. For your ship, then. Energize! [Riker gets beamed off the bridge, directly onto the bridge of the KISS ship. He lands on his head.] Riker: Ooof. (stands) Not too bad a landing, then. Captain, what is the game I am to win at? Quan: You have nerve, Riker. Perhaps you have reflexes to match? You are to play Crystal Quest. Kormach: And you are to play *ME* I haven't lost in a long, long time. Riker: Give me a moment to adjust. Kormach, you go first. [moves his hand to touch his leg, where a concealed stud is the switch to signal O'Brien. He pushes it just when the commotion over Kormach's excellent first life is at a height. The disk containing the infected Crystal Quest beams into his hand, and he sees his chance after looking around. Slipping the disk into his station, he copies the file, and infects the Fergun upon his Crystal Quest's startup. He retreives the disk, and presses the stud again. The disk beams away.] [Int MacEnterprise bridge.] Picard: Here it comes, did the disk make it in? Data: I played back the incoming video forty-seven times with enhancement, but I failed each time to discover if the Fergun has actually been infected. Voice of O'Brien: O'Brien to bridge. The Crystal Quest disk is back in my possession. I can only say that this means commander Riker has struck at the Klingon's computers. Picard: Very good. This will earn you a commendation if we make it out of here. Voice of O'Brien: We will sir, I have absolute faith in commander Riker. [Int Fergun bridge. Riker is beginning his round.] Quan: Ooooh, ahhh Kormach: Look at his deftness! Surely you are of Klingon descent? Riker: Nope, just played this before. [Riker picks up things, dodges others, and makes it go "oooooohhhhh"] Riker: I guess that's it. We win, and are free to go. Quan: An agreement is an agreement. Return him to the MacEnterprise. (snorts, or whatever Klingons do) 1st Klingon(frowning): Yessir! [Riker is beamed out, back to the MacEnterprise's bridge.] [Int. MacEnterprise bridge: Riker floats in midair, along with the rest of the bridge crew.] Riker: Mission accomplished. [He smirks, you know that grin...] Picard: Amazing, Number One. I just hope those Klingons fail to live up to their word, as we predicted. Worf: Sir, it is their honor at stake. Nothing would [The MacEnterprise is once again buffetted by disruptor blasts from the Fergun] Worf: They must still believe themselves at war with the Federation. SCENE 5 Picard(stabbing his chest-communicator): Picard to Engineering: when are you going to have the gravitics repaired? This is beginning to get annoying? Voice of Geordi: Well, captain, it should be any minute now. How long until the virus cripples the Fergun? We could be cutting this close.... Picard: Mr. Data? Data: I am reading massive disk activity on the Fergun. She seems to be infected, and unable to do anything but wipe out her own disks. The weapons fire is abating. Voice of Geordi: Excellent. LaForge to all hands: Gravity generators are coming on line in 1 minute from .... mark. Prepare for gravitic restoration. [Scenes from all over the MacEnterprise: People are gaining footholds on ladders, getting under covers in bed, etc. They don't want to suffer Riker's fate on the Fergun. Cut back to the bridge.] Worf: Captain, the Fergun is signalling... they require a tow back to the nearest Klingon base. The rough translation of the Klingon is: Enough's enough, sir. Picard: Harumph. They "require" a tow? Well, then in the interests of Federation-Klingon peace, Mr. Data, give them a tractor. Data: Aye sir. I'll activate the beam when gravity is operational and I can operate my station. [As if on cue, which it is in reality, the gravity is restored.] Data: Beam on and stable. [Move mouse around] Shearing is within nominal bounds. [Wesley returns to the bridge] Riker: Excellent work, Wesley. Perhaps we'll use your invention in more critical stations from now on. [Wesley smugly sits in the helm station, smiling his shit-eating grin. Cut to: Ext. view MacEnterprise and Fergun under tow. The MacEnterprise moves out, the monkeys go "ooo-ooo," (That's another sound effect...)and the MacEnterprise goes to warp. FADE OUT] -- Tony Reynolds Have you hugged cctony@sun1.mcsr.olemiss.edu Cray Network Intern your Washburn today? (601)232-7206