From: !geostorm@weapons.are.us (someone other than the named indiviual)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.slack
Message-ID: <12345@host.dom.dom>
Date: 17 Oct 91 03:46:01 GMT

If you have any sentience left at all, you will want to skip this message.
My apologies for not making Dr. Crusher say 'He's dead, Jim.' at least once.


Stah Twek, the a.s.c. .vs. the e.p.a.

{Sophia Loren is on the bridge.  Picard is shaking his head
back and forth and just can't seem to stop.  Counselor Troi,
is, as in all such Next Generation stories posted on the net,
naked and using her fingers with expert skill.  Worf is
firing at the viewscreen.  Data and an extra are in con&ops.
Riker is sitting next to the captain with his legs crossed
looking a tad effeminate.)

Captains Log: Stardate 7.  We've intercepted a whole bunch of
really weerd stuff, and like usual, we're going to
investigate.

Picard: Mister Data, how long until we reach, cestus five, or
wherever the hell we're going?

Data: Twleve minutes, honkey butt.

Picard: Are we still getting those same strange readings from
the planet surface, Mr. Worf?

Worf: The EMF readings of the planet are in rapid change, as
are the XTC and ELO wavelengths.  The spacetime field around
the planet still shows signs of abnormal warp?

Picard: Analysis?

Riker: Well, if you ask me you looked alot better in that
nice brown suit you used in your little holodeck detective
story, I think? Say...

Data: If I may make a suggestion, you great buzzard nose, it
may be wise to approach the planet at a slower velocity, thus
making it safer in the case that the planet ...

Picard (interuptting): yes, make it so.

Data: Right away, oh goofy one.

Picard: Mr. Extra, how long until you get killed?

Extra: Two minutes, captain.

Picard: Good, good, we're making excellent speed.

Troi: OH GOD CAPTAIN I WANT IT, GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME
NOW YOU HOT HUNK OF HUMAN FLESH!

Picard: Advice noted, counselor.

{Tasha Yar materializes on the bridge}

Tasha: Hi! I'm back!

{She waves to camera, worf shoots her}

Picard: Good shooting mr. Worf.

Worf: Thank you, captain.

Picard: Miss Loren, you haven't said a word yet.

Roddenberry (off camera): If she says anything we'll have to
pay her more, don't make her talk!

Picard: Good idea, number negative one.

Extra: Captain, planet coming within visual range.

Picard: On audio, lieutenant.

Extra: Sir?

Riker: You heard the man, sailor!

Extra: Yes sir.

{Audio: boom chicka boom chicka boom chicka boom}

Worf: Captain, there are disruption patterns around orbiting
the planet that cannot be natural phenomena.  It could be
some kind of cloaking device.  Recommend we go to red alert.

Picard: Let's not jump the gun any, Mr. Worf?

Worf: Sir?

Picard: It's an old earth saying; it means lets not rush into
things.

Worf: Sir?

Picard: Another old earth saying; it means that we shouldn't
dive right in without testing the water first.

Worf: Sir?

Picard: we'll let it go unexplained for now, Mr. Worf.  Can
you plot those orbits on the viewscreen?

Worf: Probably.

{viewscreen blinks and a view of the planet comes into focus
with a big computer glob circling it very very slowly}

Troi: OH DO ME, GOO ME, SCREW ME TO ME! MAKE ME EXPLODE! YES!
YES!

Picard: Thank you, counselor.

Data: If I may make a suggestion, you dumb hairy ape, it
might be wise to open a communications channel, if another
ship is actually present.

Picard: Get a life, Mr. Data.  Worf, open a channel.

Worf: Captain, it appears WE are being hailed.

Picard: Well, that makes it all the more interesting.  Open
the channel, Mr. Worf.

Worf: Hailing frequencies open, captain.

Picard: This is Captain Jean Luc Ponty, err, Picard of the
U.S.S. Enterprise, we are on a peaceful mission, and we have
no intent to fire upon your vessel unless we feel like it.

{Viewscreen comes on}

"Bob": Hi there!

All-on-bridge(except Sophia Loren): It's "Bob"!

"Bob": Yes, it's me, and I've just had the Xists lure you here
with their new spacetime phase shifter adjustor modulator,
but for the time being...

{"Bob" snaps his fingers}

Extra: Aaiiirrrggghhllllmmmnnnnkzkkzkzkzzkowoqpopw!!

{Extra dies}

Bob: Well, that's that.

{Picard stops shaking his head and looks directly at "Bob"}

Picard: You've just killed one of my crewmen!

"Bob": Yes, here in the "Bob" Continuum, we have no respect for
measly little extras.

Picard: We will fight you!

"Bob": Yeah, right... In your dreams...

Picard: Mr. Data, lock phasars on "Bob"!

Data: Ok, you ugly bowl of pus.

Narrator:

     The story so far -- Buddy Hackett has invaded Cuba and
claimed the land for Comic Relief.  Jesus has returned from
the grave (yet again) and decided to take a long nap.
Chester is no longer in the story, with the exception of this
narration.  And "Bob" has just scored a goal in the national
olympic hockey tournament!

Picard: Good shot, "Bob".

"Bob": Thank you, captain.

Troi: OH "Bob" I WANT YOU! PORK ME! GO DEEP INSIDE ME AND FEEL
MY PRIMAL LUST! I AM THE GODDESS, ALREADY, AND I'M WET AS
HELL!!  DO ME DO ME DO ME, "Bob"!!

"Bob": OK...

{they screw}

Troi: Ahhhhhhhhhh..

{Troi sighs of relief, and falls asleep}

Picard: Where the hell is Dr. Crusher?

Riker: It's her week off, you know, we wrote her out of this
one.

Picard: Damn, she's the only love interest I have on this
show, and even that's not going well.

Troi: Well, captain, I'd talk to you about it if I weren't
sleeping.

"Bob": Well, I've got a lunch date with Cthulhu.  We'll be
eating a model of Tokoyo again.  I was never really fond of
japanese food, though, but it is his treat.

Picard: Very well, "Bob", and thank you.

Group of children in circle on bridge: Hail Hail fire and
snow call the angel we will go far away...

Worf(smacking kids): You're from the old series! Get out of
here!

Picard: Alright now, where are we?

Data: In the middle of a message on alt.startrek.creative,
captain goofball.

Picard: Well, how on earth did we get here?

Data: Well, your royal stupidness, there was a giant wave of
negative vibrations coming from responders on a.s.c, which
said, in brief, that r.a.s was the true forum for many of the
posts that go into a.s.c., and this created a surge of stupid
posts to a.s.c., in an attempt to even out the now divided
flow of information.

Picard: Hmm.. What a terribly stupid concept.

Data: I didn't think of it, you doofus.

Picard: Ensign Nobody, you're our specialist on stupid posts
to a.s.c., and since you've just materialized on the bridge,
perhaps you can explain it to us.

Nobody: The phenomena, as we know it, can't be explained by
normal means, but it can be diagrammed in this sentence:
Jerry Jehoozephat and the nimble squacks above the jolly
jolly dumpling.

Picard: Darmok and Gelad and Tanagra.

Nobody: Sir?

Picard: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were speaking metaphor.

Nobody: No sir.

Picard: Well, this has gone on for long enough, Mr. Worf,
stop the program!

Worf: Yes sir.

{Worf shoots script writer}

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