"Ain't I a Stinker?"
Script and Teleplay by Tim Lynch
Directed by Rob Bowman
"Captain's Log, stardate 41586.2. In a somewhat unexpected turn of events,
the Ferengi have asked us to negotiate for terms of a political alliance
between our two governments. As the Enterprise has had the most dealings
with the Ferengi in the past, we have been requested by them to shuttle their
ambassador, DaiMon Rol, to Earth for the negotiations. It is a great honor
for the ship, and for her crew."
(Picard enters the bridge from his ready room)
Picard: Everything proceeding smoothly, Number One?
Riker: Yes, sir. DaiMon Rol's been taken on board and we've just left orbit.
Picard: Grand. Mr. LaForge, set course 150 mark 48, warp five.
Geordi: Aye, sir, warp five.
Picard: Engage.
(As the ship accelerates, Picard notices that Riker seems troubled.)
Picard: Something wrong, Number One?
Riker: Not really, sir. It's just--does anything about this mission seem...
well, odd to you, sir?
Picard: In what way?
Riker: (lecturing) For the past year, the Ferengi have shown no sign of
interest in an alliance of any kind. And the one time we thought they did, it
turned out to be a trick to get revenge on you. Their sudden interest _now_
seems suspicious in some way.
Picard: Times change, Number One. Cultures change.
Riker: I know that, sir, but I'm still going to be careful.
Picard: That's a wise reaction at any time. Come, we must greet our guest.
Mr. Data, you have the bridge.
(Shot of guest quarters. DaiMon Rol is there, and does _not_ look happy.)
(Picard and Riker enter.)
Picard: Welcome to the Enterprise, DaiMon Rol. I apologize that we could
not be there to greet you when you first came aboard. This is my first
officer, Commander William Riker--
DaiMon Rol: (cutting him off) Why are there guards outside my quarters,
Captain?
Picard: It is simply a routine security measure, DaiMon, nothing more.
DaiMon Rol: Why do you need security on me, captain? I mean no harm. Look--
(gestures to the empty room) _I_ have no guards.
Picard: Yes, DaiMon, we are well aware of that, but we have had some trouble
in the past, and--
DaiMon Rol: NO SECURITY!! You insult Ferengi honor.
Riker: (softly, to himself) I didn't know Ferengi _had_ honor.
DaiMon Rol: What did you say, (examines Riker's insignia), _Commander_?
(His tone implies that this rank could be a _very_ temporary one.)
(At this point, Riker makes a quick 'ulp!' noise. Apparently, he did not
expect to be overheard.)
Picard: (interjecting smoothly) My first officer said that he regrets the
smirch on your honor, DaiMon, and will remove the guards immediately. (to
Riker) Make it so, Number One.
(Riker starts to protest, but is silenced by a glare from Picard.)
Riker: Yes, sir. (moves to do so)
Picard: May we ask, however, that you wear one of our communicators?
DaiMon Rol: (suspiciously) Why?
Picard: It will enable us to monitor your physical state, so that if you
should suddenly become ill, we--
DaiMon Rol: Do you now threaten me?
Picard: (getting a little exasperated at being interrrupted so often, but
still playing the diplomat) Not at all. It is for your own welfare that I ask
this. (removes his communicator and extends his hand to DaiMon Rol)
DaiMon Rol: (taking it) I agree.
Picard: Thank you, DaiMon. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have duties to
perform. Number One?
(They leave, Riker dismissing the guards on his way out. DaiMon Rol suddenly
looks very crafty.)
DaiMon Rol: My physical state is not important, Picard. Soon--very soon--the
Enterprise will be ours.
(Music swells...cut to opening credits)
ACT 1:
(Picard and Riker are in the turbolift, en route to the bridge.)
Picard: (a bit brusque, but annoyingly quiet about it) Number One, I am well
aware of the Ferengi's past conduct, but you must understand that this mission
is of the utmost importance to the Federation. If we can ally ourselves with
the Ferengi as we did with the Klingons, the diplomatic advantages would be
tremendous.
Riker: I simply meant--
Picard: I know what you _meant_, Will. It's what you said that's the problem.
This mission is too important to be jeopardized by careless statements like
that.
(Upper bridge--Picard and Riker step out of the turbolift, only to be
immediately confronted by Yar and Worf)
Yar: Sir, I must insist that the security guards in the ambassador's quarters
be reinstated.
Picard: Noted and denied, Lieutenant.
Yar: Sir, you've all but given him free rein of the ship!
Picard: That's exactly what I intend.
Worf: (joining in) Captain, I respectfully submit that he should not be
allowed too much freedom.
Picard: (very sharply) Define "too much freedom", Mr. Worf!
Worf: Sir?
Picard: He is the first step on the road to a lasting peace. Can peace have
too much freedom?
Worf: He is a Ferengi! They are without honor!
Picard: And so they will remain, if no one gives them an opportunity to change
it.
Yar: I understand, sir.
Picard: Besides, Lieutenant, he _does_ have a communicator.
Yar: So we can track his location at any time.
Riker: (grinning) It lets us keep tabs on him without arousing his suspicions.
Brilliant move, sir.
Picard: (as they move down to their seats) Well, Number One, you can't read
mystery novels all your life without at least a bit of subterfuge in the blood.
(sits and adjusts his uniform)
Data: (at Con) Sir, I do not understand the connection. How does the
composition of one's blood affect reading material?
(Picard, slightly miffed, starts phrasing his explanation, then changes his
mind.)
Picard: Remind me to explain..._later_, Mr. Data.
Data: Yes, sir. And...if I may...
Picard: Yes, go ahead.
Data: How can subterfuge, a conceptualization, be encased in a concrete
substance such as blood?
Picard: (really exasperated now) Just forget I said it.
(Data looks mildly puzzled)
(DaiMon Rol's quarters. The ambassador is laughing to himself as he puts
together a small device which looks very odd. He tests to see if it works,
turning it on a wall. A dazzlingly bright ray expands out in a cone. DaiMon
Rol smiles and exits his quarters.)
(Bridge)
Data: Captain!
Picard: (still annoyed) Yes, Data, what is it now?
Data: Sir, I am reading a power surge.
Picard: Location?
Data: DaiMon Rol's quarters, but--now it is gone.
Picard: Where is DaiMon Rol now?
Data: Leaving his quarters, heading for Turbolift 5.
Picard: Lieutenant Yar, send a security team to make sure he doesn't cause
trouble.
Yar: Aye, sir.
Picard: And, Number One...
Riker: Yes, sir?
Picard: _Don't_ say "I told you so".
(DaiMon Rol, in a random corridor, removes his communicator.)
Yar: (just preparing to leave) Captain!
Picard: Yes, Lieutenant?
Yar: It's the ambassador, sir. He must have taken off the communicator you
gave him, sir. We've lost him.
Intercom: <>
Picard: Picard.
Argyle: <>
Picard: Make it so. Mr. LaForge, get down to Engineering and see if you can
lend a hand.
Geordi: Aye, sir.
(Geordi leaves his seat to another officer standing by. The camera follows
Geordi into the lift, and down to Engineering level. He walks a few steps,
when suddenly a door opens, revealing DaiMon Rol. Geordi tries to call for
Security, but before he reaches his communicator, DaiMon Rol zaps him with the
ray, then slinks off. Geordi slowly gets up, and walks back to the lift,
looking confused.)
(Bridge. Geordi enters and returns to his chair.)
Picard: Everything cleared up already, Mr. LaForge? That was fast.
Geordi: (slowly) "Cleared up", sir?
Picard: The problem in Engineering.
Geordi: Oh...that...yes. I think so, anyway.
Picard: You think so? (stiffening) Lieutenant, are you feeling all right?
Geordi: Hmm? Oh...yeah, sure. A little groggy.
Picard: I'm sending you to sickbay. (hitting comm panel on chair) Dr.
Crusher, this is the bridge.
Crusher: (on intercom) <>
Picard: Lieutenant LaForge is acting strangely. I'm sending him down to
sickbay.
Crusher: <>
Picard: Well, Mr. LaForge?
Geordi: On my...my...
(Geordi suddenly stiffens, then jerks strangely a few times, as if about to go
into a fit.)
Picard: Sickbay! Medical emergency on the bridge!
(Yar moves in to stop Geordi, but too late.)
Geordi: Meep-meep! (rushes to the turbolift at top speed and disappears into
it)
(Quick shot of the bridge crew's stunned reactions.)
Picard: Unbelievable. Lieutenant Yar.
Yar: Yes, sir?
Picard: Get a team together and _find_ him. Make sure he doesn't hurt
himself, or anyone else.
Yar: Aye, sir. (leaves the bridge)
Picard: Data--any idea what those noises Geordi made were all about?
Data: I am not sure, sir. I have a hypothesis, but checking it will take some
time.
Picard: Do it! (aside to Riker) I'm positive this is somehow connected with
that power surge.
Riker: You think DaiMon Rol's behind this, then?
Picard: Either that, or he's caught in it with the rest of us. We'll have to
find him to be sure. Something's happening here which could be beyond our
control.
(Music surge, fade out.)
COMMERCIAL I:
Bartles: Hello. You may not be aware of this, but Ed and I used to be farmers
before we became the smooth-talking debonair fellows we are today. We're both
quite happy about that, but we still occasionally miss the farm life. That's
why we proudly present the new, slug-flavored Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler.
If you've ever lived on a farm, you're bound to love the taste.
Good luck with this year's harvest, and thanks for your support.
ACT II:
(The Crushers are in a corridor, obviously heading for a turbolift.)
Beverly: No, I _don't_ know what's going on up there, Wes.
Wesley: With all that's happening, I really feel useless in my quarters, Mom.
Beverly: Yes, I know, Wes; you've already told me twice. That's why you're
coming with me--to offer to take Geordi's position until he recovers. I
_know_.
(Bridge. It's still more than a bit chaotic, and Picard is NOT in a good mood.
Not in the slightest.)
(The Crushers arrive)
Beverly: Reporting as ordered, Ca---where's Geordi?
Picard: Your guess is currently as good as mine, Doctor.
Beverly: What do you mean?
Picard; I _mean_, Doctor, that Lieutenant LaForge had some sort of fit, then
ran off.
Beverly: (upset) RAN OFF? Sir, it is vital that he be found immed--
Picard: (not really wishing to hear another tirade) Lieutenant Yar is already
out with a team looking for him, Dr. Crusher. (Suddenly, he notices Wesley.)
What are you doing here, Ensign?
Wesley: (a bit flustered at seeing Picard in _such_ a bad mood) Well, I
thought, sir, that maybe, well...(trails off)
Picard: Out with it!
Wesley: That since Geordi's sick, I could help out at Con until he's all
right.
Picard: No. Absolutely not.
Wesley: (somewhat surprised) But why not?
Picard: Are you questioning my orders, Acting Ensign Crusher? (in that tone
that suggests that there is, in fact, a still lower rank)
Wesley: (stung) No, sir. It's just that--
Picard: Then you have my final word, Ensign. Dismissed.
(Wesley looks like he still wants to pursue the subject, but decides to
exercise the better part of valor.)
Wesley: Aye, sir. (he and Bev leave)
Riker: (somewhat curious) Captain, if there's some reason why you don't want
Wes on the bridge--
Picard: Hmm? Oh...no, Number One, nothing in particular. Just a hunch,
really. (smiling) Call it Captain's intuition.
Riker: Sir?
Picard: Something's telling me that there's more going on here than meets
the eye, and I want young Ensign Crusher well clear of any possible danger.
Riker: (smiling) I see, sir.
Picard: Good. Now let's see if we can't find a pattern to all that's
happened.
(Cut to Bev & Wes in a corridor, heading from the lift to their quarters. The
doors shut, and we then hear the sound of DaiMon Rol's ray, and DaiMon Rol
laughing, as the "oh no, something's wrong" music swells)
(Meanwhile, Picard and Riker are in the conference room alone.)
Riker: (in mid-sentence already) ...important thing, sir, is to catch DaiMon
Rol before he does something even more dangerous.
Picard: Will, we don't even know for sure if he is behind Geordi's affliction.
Once we find him, _then_ we'll worry about what to do with him.
(They go back to the main bridge.)
Data: (getting out of Picard's chair and back to Ops) Sir, I believe I have
discovered the source of Geordi's problem.
Picard: Specify.
Data: The sounds are very similar to those made by a cartoon character on
Earth in the late twentieth century. The character is known as a
"Road-Runner".
Riker: (skeptical) Hold it, Data--a _cartoon_ character?
Data: Yes, sir. Through a process known as "animation", fictional characters
were created on a television screen. As they did not involve actual, physical
beings, anything could be done to them...much like our current holodeck
creations, but far more primitive. For example, a continual favorite of the
time involved the attempts of a cat to catch a mouse--quite humorous, it seems.
Also, there was--
Picard: (sensing a long list coming) Data! We understand, thank you. Now,
do you have any idea what brought the effect on?
(Suddenly, the turbolift doors open to reveal DaiMon Rol standing behind
Wesley, who looks even more smug than usual. Wes is holding some
unidentifiable device, but we can see the word CRUSHER on it.)
Wesley: A legitimate question, Captain. (His voice seems strangely deeper.)
(Picard whirls around to see them)
Picard: Wesley!!
Wesley: No, Captain, not "Wesley", Wile E.
Data: (softly) Wile E.?
Wesley: That's correct, Data. Wile E. Crusher, Sooper-Genius. (chuckles to
himself at the last two words)
Riker: (noticing DaiMon Rol for the first time) Captain, that's DaiMon Rol
back there! (starts to run towards him, apparently to grab him)
Picard: No, Number One!
(Too late. DaiMon Rol lifts his ray and sprays Riker with it, full force.
Riker falls to the floor, out of it for now.)
Wesley: (chuckling again) I _really_ wouldn't try anything like that if I were
you.
Picard: All right. What is it you want, Wesley?
Wesley: WILE E.
Picard: (not about to give in) _Wesley_. What is this all about?
Wesley: It's very simple, even for one of your...limited intellect. My dear
companion, DaiMon Rol, has brought with him a ray which affects anyone it
strikes, making them like old Earth cartoon characters. A simply..._delicious_
idea! (licks his lips)
Picard: But _why_, DaiMon? What do you stand to gain from all this?
DaiMon Rol: Gain? We gain this ship! Can you imagine what the Romulan
Empire would pay for a top Federation ship like this one?
Worf: ROMULANS?! You are in league with those dishonorable--
Picard: (desperate to avoid antagonizing DaiMon Rol any further) Mr. Worf!!
(Worf quiets, after casting one long, nasty glare at DaiMon Rol and Wesley.)
Now, Wesley, you will stop this idiocy and get off my bridge _at once_.
Wesley: Tsk, tsk, Captain. And I did so hope you wouldn't resist. Ah, well.
(DaiMon Rol raises the ray and fires point-blank at Picard. Picard flinches,
but nothing seems to happen. However, everyone but DaiMon Rol starts looking
at Picard strangely.)
Picard: (advancing) Well, DaiMon?
DaiMon Rol: What has happened? Why is it not working?
Picard: Your inventions are backfiring, DaiMon.
DaiMon Rol: (to Wesley) Crusher--quickly!!
(Wesley raises his weapon, which we can now see reads CRUSHER DIMENSIONAL WARP
(a division of ACME).)
Wesley: (answering the unspoken question) Just something I cooked up in my
spare time, Captain.
Picard: (curious, despite his anger) Oh? What does it do?
Wesley: See for yourself, Captain. Goodbye.
(Wesley fires, and Picard disappears. As everyone turns to gape, we fade out.)
COMMERCIAL II:
Voice-over: Monday night, in a special two-hour movie:
One of the Bible's most important characters, who has done so much to shape
today's society...he has remained unsung, until now. Join us, as we follow
this man from his shadowed birth to his ignominious end.
"ONAN--The True Story", only on WENY-TV.
Act III:
"Captain's personal log, stardate unknown and irrelevant. DaiMon Rol and
Wesley Crusher have seized control of the Enterprise, and have rendered half my
crew helpless with some sort of ray. Meanwhile, I find myself presented with a
rather odd setting..."
(The scene is that of a forest, but many of the trees have roughly 3' tall
holes through the bottom of them. Apart from that, however, things are
completely peaceful.)
Picard: Where in the..._where_ am I?
(Suddenly, without warning, a small tornado (in fact, about 3' high) appears on
the horizon. It comes toward Picard very quickly; in fact, rather than
skipping around the trees, it appears to eat right through them. Eventually,
it gets right next to Picard, who steps away a few paces. As the tornado
stops, we see a small, brown, furry, amazingly ravenous creature with sharp
teeth.)
Creature: Why for you exile me in this cold, cold dimension, Picard captain?
Picard: (at something of a loss for words) How---how do you know who I am?
We've never met.
Creature: Yes, we have.
(In a blinding flash of light, the creature disappears, only to be replaced by
Q, in a Starfleet uniform.)
Picard: Q!
Q: The "Q-Manian Devil", if you please, Captain.
Picard: "Q-Manian Devil"?
Q: Yes, well, I've got to act the part, don't I?
Picard: Act the part..._you're_ behind this! (Q just smirks.) You gave DaiMon
Rol that weapon!
Q: Nonsense. I merely planted the idea in his tiny little mind. He did all
the work--actually, I think it came out quite well.
Picard: But why, Q? We've done nothing against you.
Q: Nothing? (gestures to his surroundings) You call exiling me *here*
nothing? (calms down and starts to explain) The Q were not pleased with what
I'd done when last we met, so they sent me here for a century or two: one of
our "disciplinary" gestures. But somehow, something went wrong. I still
retain some of my powers. Not all of them, mind you; but enough to do the job.
Picard: What job is that?
Q: Why, returning the favor, mon capitan, of course. I thought, if your
species is so insistent on acting like children, let's give you back your
childhood toys for a while. Truly, a punishment to fit the crime.
Picard: Punishment? I'd call it persecution--and stop quoting Gilbert &
Sullivan.
Q: (smugly) Temper, temper.
Picard: It's not we who are children Q. It is you. The Enterprise is _not_
your personal plaything.
Q: (bored) Oh, that's what the last one said.
Picard: The last what? (Q, caught, freezes) The last _what_, Q? Have you
stopped other starships like our own?
Q: Really, Captain, this is a bit off the track.
Picard: Oh, no, Q. I think we're proceeding quite smoothly. Answer my
question.
Q: Well, if you must know...
Picard: (somewhat sarcastically) Oh, believe me, I must.
Q: Have you ever heard of the planet Gothos?
Picard: No...no, I don't believe so.
Q: Well, about a hundred years ago, the _original_ starship Enterprise, not
your fourth-generation piece of space rubble, ran across the lonely planet of
Gothos, inhabited only by someone who called himself...(pauses as if trying to
remember) Trelane, I believe his name was. Trelane had been watching humans
for quite some time, especially the more warlike eras of your history. He was
fascinated, and wanted an experiment of his own. So, he kidnapped your Captain
James Kirk and some of his crew, and had a simply lovely time--(bitterly) that
is, until Captain Kirk tricked him and managed to get Trelane's parents to
bring him back home again.
Picard: Yes, all quite interesting, but what does it have to do with you?
Q: Captain, you're such a dullard! Let me go further: In the intervening
century, the child Trelane grew older. Eschewing the violence of his bygone
youth, he decided to see if humanity had changed any. It hadn't. So, he
decided to try to give you a push in the right direction...but only to be met
once again with blind, unreasoning hostility.
Picard: You mean to say that you and this Trelane are--
Q: (with a flourish) One and the same. Congratulations, Captain. For once,
you got it right.
Picard: But that still doesn't explain why you've carried your vendetta
against _us_ for so long.
Q: Oh, doesn't it? Think again, Captain.
Picard: (musingly) After the exile Captain Kirk gave you...(forcefully)
you've *never* forgiven humanity for that!
Q: Of course not. Why should I?
Picard: Just look at yourself, Q. You talk of our childishness and violence,
yet you are incapable of even the slightest acts of mercy or forgiveness. How
_adult_ a response is that?
Q: (sounding ever more Trelanish) Oh, dear, you do have a one-track mind,
don't you, Captain?
Picard: (not even slowing down) Your acts are those of a child, Q--or
Trelane, or whatever you call yourself. You are a spoiled child, with no more
maturity than an infant!
Q: (stern again) I've been patient with you in the past, Captain. Don't
force my hand.
Picard: (thinking of an alternate attack) Q, you say that you've grown out
of your old, childish ways, correct?
Q: At last, you're finally getting somewhere.
Picard: But, Q--what does a parent normally tell a disobedient child?
Q: Why, to go to its room, of course.
Picard: (triumphant) Exactly. Look around, Q. For one who claims to be so
adult, you seem to be spending a great deal of time standing in the corner,
with your dunce-cap on.
Q: (absolutely furious, virtually throwing a tantrum) You DARE?? Why, I'll...
I'll...aagh!!
Picard: Keep it up, Q, and you're liable to get a spanking.
Q: (livid) That's it. That's IT!! I'll waste no more time on you, Picard.
The Ferengi and the boy have had more than enough time now. I'll send you back
to your ruined ship, where you can be content in your _maturity_.
Picard: We're not finished, Q.
Q: YES we are, Captain--at least, for now. (waves his hand, and Picard goes
BAMF) Pitiful species.
(We get to see Picard in the transition this time. It lasts just long enough
for Picard to say to himself, "Well, however I did it, it got me back." Then
he finds himself back on the bridge. The camera centers only on his face as
the sight of the bridge hits him. He gets a good look at his surroundings,
and the camera fades out on his look of horror.)
COMMERCIAL III:
Announcer: We're here with John Rambo. Mr. Rambo, which would you prefer...a
Wendy's hamburger, which is cooked fresh every day, or Hamburger B, which has
been dragged through a sewer in Hoboken and then run over by a truck carrying
toxic chemicals?
Rambo: Uh, well, uh, I, uh...I...don't like either of 'em. They're staring at
me! Stop starin' at me, all o'yas! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! (whips out
his machine gun)
<<>>
ACT IV:
"Captain's personal log: Although I have managed to trick the Q-entity into
sending me back to the Enterprise, it appears that I have returned too late.
DaiMon Rol has used his ray on my entire bridge crew, rendering them all but
useless to me. My only remaining option is to find DaiMon Rol and somehow
force him to return my ship to normal."
(Wide shot. The bridge is almost literally in pieces, and the crew isn't
helping much.)
(Picard walks up to one corner of the bridge, where Riker & Yar are.)
Picard: Number One, I--
Riker: I say, theah, I say, boy, you're goin' about this all wrong. Now you
just come on over heah and listen to what I got to say.
(Yar cuts him off)
Yar: Don't listen to that high-falutin' crazy, ya idjit! I kin give ya all
the help ya need!
(Mysteriously, Yar's sidearm is now a six-shooter. She has two, just like any
good gunfighter.)
Picard: I see. And just who are you?
Yar: Why, Ah'm Yarsemite Sam, the rootin'est, tootin'est security officer ta
ever secure an office. Ah've done more for this ship than you---
Riker: (cutting back in) Now, now there, boy, you don't need to heah all
that. I'm Foghorn Rikerhorn, and I'll handle everything. Just sit back and
relax.
Picard: (backing away smoothly) Thanks very much, both of you, but I prefer
to handle this with other aid.
(Picard walks down to Con, where we see Data wearing a hunter's cap.)
Picard: Data, I need you to--
Data: (putting his fingers to his lips) Shhhh.
Picard: Why? What's going on?
Data: Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Fewengi. Hahahahaha.
(Picard gives one of his "oh, you're useless too" huffs, then stalks off. The
camera follows him into the turbolift.)
Picard: Sickbay. (to himself) I hope Beverly's all right.
(Sickbay, just as Picard enters. Many medical crewmen are on the floor, some
with cases of the giggles, others with looks of supreme horror frozen on their
faces. Picard looks somewhat puzzled.)
Picard: (loudly) Dr. Crusher, are you all right? (No answer.) Doctor
Crusher, report!
(Still no answer. Picard says one tentative, "Bev?", then decides against that
course of action.)
Picard: Computer, locate Dr. Crusher.
Computer: Doctor Crusher is currently--
(The doors to Bev's office open, and Bev runs out into the main room. She has
a wreath of flowers in her hair.)
Computer: ---in Main Sickbay.
Picard: (ignoring the computer) Ah, Doctor. I'm glad you're all right down
here. The entire bridge crew aside from myself has been affected by a Ferengi
device, that's turned them into--
(He gets no further. Bev knocks him down in a flying tackle. Nothing she says
is at all comprehensible, except for the many loud "kissy-kissy" noises. It is
obvious that she has one thing on her mind, and that Picard, or whoever she
currently thinks Picard is, plays a central role in it.)
(Picard manages to extricate himself.)
Picard: Doctor, this is neither the time nor the place for such antics. It is
absolutely essential that I--
(Bev charges him again, but this time he dodges. Unfortunately, Bev runs right
into a bulkhead and is out cold.)
(Picard stands and thinks for a few moments, looking more and more depressed
about the situation. Then, he reacts as if he's just gotten a great idea,
which he has. He walks out into a corridor and asks,)
Picard: Computer, where is DaiMon Rol?
Computer: Unknown.
Picard: He's not wearing a communicator. Damn. (more loudly) Scan the ship
for Ferengi lifeforms.
Computer: Working...(pause) One lifeform, Ferengi, located in Main
Engineering.
Picard: Then that's where I'm headed. It's time to settle this once and for
all.
(We hear the last half of this line through an Engineering comm panel, as does
DaiMon Rol, who heard all of it. He grins broadly, and hits the panel
himself.)
DaiMon Rol: Mr. Sam?
Yar: Whadda yew want?
DaiMon Rol: I want to make a proposition that could make us both very, _very_
wealthy.
(Music surge.)
(Cut back to Picard, heading for Engineering.)
(He enters. DaiMon Rol is up on the second level, on the catwalk. He flicks a
switch, and the doors seal behind Picard.)
DaiMon Rol: Ah, Picard. How nice of you to save me the trouble of tracking
you down.
Picard: It won't work, DaiMon. I know the secret of your weapon.
DaiMon Rol: My weapon is supreme, Picard! I have rendered your crew helpless.
Picard: My crew, yes; but I still _command_ the ship.
DaiMon Rol: Not for much longer, Picard. In a few moments, you shall be dead.
Picard: You want me, DaiMon? Come and get me.
(With that, Picard seemingly does the impossible. He turns around, and walks
right *through* the sealed doors. DaiMon Rol is flabbergasted, and that
emotion quickly turns into heated anger. He taps a comm panel again.)
DaiMon Rol: Sam!
Yar: Yeah! Whaddya want now? Ah'm already on muh way.
DaiMon Rol: Picard has escaped. Find him!!
(Picard is now waiting in a medium-sized holodeck for DaiMon Rol. Sure enough,
in he comes, fuming.)
DaiMon Rol: Picard! I've found you at last!
Picard: Such sentiment, DaiMon. I'm impressed.
DaiMon Rol: Tell me--how you managed to escape from Engineering.
Picard: Oh, no, DaiMon. You started this charade--surely you know its rules.
DaiMon Rol: Rules? What rules? You speak in riddles, Picard.
Picard: Perhaps. Perhaps not.
DaiMon Rol: It does not matter. Now, I have you. (raises his ray) You see
this? It has more than one setting. (he flips a nasty-looking switch) Now,
it serves the same purpose as your phasers--it kills. Goodbye, Picard. Die
well.
(Before he can shoot, we hear a gunshot. A bullet whistles by DaiMon's head,
almost piercing one of his ears. Pan over to Yar, who arrived in the middle of
the conversation and is _not_ happy.)
Yar: Git away from that varmint, ya long-eared galoot! Yew said I could kill
him.
DaiMon Rol: Picard is mine, Yar!
Yar: Oh, yeah? (whips out both sixguns) Now, dance!!
(Bullets fly, and DaiMon Rol narrowly escapes bearing a strong resemblance to
Swiss cheese. Furious now, and having gotten quite close to Yar in the chaos,
he whips up his weapon and prepares to fire.)
Yar: Oh, no yew don't! (lunges at DaiMon Rol)
(The two grapple for a bit, with Picard ready to make his move after a winner
is clear. In the course of the fight, we see the ray switched back to its
original setting.
Finally, DaiMon Rol gets his arms free for a moment. He promptly hits Yar
square on the head with the butt of the gun. She slumps to the floor,
unconscious. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it),
the shock of the blow sets the ray off, and DaiMon Rol is caught full in the
face by it. He drops the weapon and falls to the floor as well.)
(Picard runs over to the holodeck controls, and opens a channel for a command.
As he does this, DaiMon Rol awakens.)
DaiMon Rol: (seeing Picard) You're...you're...YOU'RE DESPICABLE!!! That's
what you are! (advances menacingly towards Picard)
Picard: Computer, initiate previously requested image, NOW!
(An illusory pile of dilithium crystals appears.)
Picard: DaiMon...look.
DaiMon Rol: (looks) Why...yi...yi...yi-yi-*yi*-yi-yi.
Picard: They're all yours, DaiMon.
DaiMon Rol: (breaking away from Picard and running towards the pile) Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! It's mine, do you hear, mine! Mine, mine, all mine! Woo-hoo!
Picard: Yes, DaiMon...it's all yours. Computer, place a force field around
current image, hemisphere--five meter radius.
(The field comes up, enclosing DaiMon Rol and his "wealth".)
Computer: Force field activated.
DaiMon Rol: (to himself) I'm rich! I'm financially secure!
Picard: Maintain field until told otherwise by me _only_.
Computer: Acknowledged.
(Picard picks up the weapon and tries to find a way to reverse it, but can't
figure it out...Ferengi weapons aren't his cup of Earl Grey tea. Suddenly, a
light dawns.)
Picard: Worf...(leaves the holodeck, heading back to the bridge)
(Bridge. It's still in massive disarray. Picard enters and walks up to Worf,
who's all alone at Science Two, staring into a viewscreen.)
Picard: Worf--are you all right?
(Worf has an extraordinarily silly grin on his face.)
Worf: (in a very non-Klingon voice) I claim this starship in the name of the
Klingon Empire! Isn't that wonderful? Hmmmmm?
Picard: Oh, damn. I'd hoped your physiology made you immune. Well, I've
nothing to lose. Here--what can you tell me about this? (holding out the ray)
Worf: (ecstatic) You found it! My Illodium Q-36 Explosive Space-Modulator!!
Oh, you wonderful little creature. How can I ever repay you?
Picard: Tell me how to reverse the setting.
Worf: Oh, that's easy. (click) Here.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Worf. (softly) I hope this works.
(He raises the ray and bathes Worf with it. Worf stiffens, then starts shaking
his head as if just waking up. He sees Picard, and instantly snaps to
attention.)
Worf: Sir!
Picard: Mr. Worf?
Worf: Aye, sir.
Picard: Good, it worked. Well done. (begins to turn)
(Full exterior shot of Enterprise)
Picard: (voice-over only) Captain's Log, stardate 41588.4. We have now
successfully reversed the effects of DaiMon Rol's ray, and the crew has
returned to normal. The Ferengi, having lost face through their failed
takeover, have now made a genuine offer for peace. I have high hopes that this
unfortunate incident will be a turning point in our relations with that race.
(Full bridge shot.)
Riker: You mean, that Ferengi ray made us do all that?
Picard: Oh, yes. At another time, it might have been somewhat amusing.
Riker: There's still one thing that puzzles me, though.
Picard: Yes, Number One?
Riker: In Engineering...just how did you walk right through the doors like
that?
Picard: Ah. You see, that was the secret of the ray. As you know, the ray
gave us attributes of cartoon characters, and one ability nearly all animated
characters shared was that of occasional intangibility.
Riker: You mean, you risked your life on the chance that the ray _might_ have
made you able to walk through walls?
Picard: It was our only chance.
Data: But, sir...that effect defies all known laws of physics as currently
known.
Picard: Yes, I know that, Data, but...I was never very good at law anyway.
Data: (looking more confused than anyone deserves to be) Sir?
(Riker, catching the refereence, grins broadly. Picard faces forward.)
Picard: Mr. LaForge, set course for the nearest starbase, warp 4.
Geordi: Course plotted, and laid in, sir.
Picard: Engage.
