Hang onto your seats, kids, it's another episode of STAR TREK: The Sexed Generation [Patri

Hang onto your seats, kids, it's another episode of STAR TREK: The Sexed Generation [Patrick Stewart dressed as Jean-Luc Picard steps into a trailer. Majel Barrett and Gene Roddenberry are sitting inside.] Barrett: You know Shatner? Picard: Yes, I've heard of him. Roddenberry: Read this dossier. [Roddenbery hands Picard a sheaf of papers. Picard flips through them.] Picard: Not that impressive. Compare "T.J. Hooker" against my role in "I, Claudius". And he has a toupe. Roddenberry: At least he doesn't have a snobby accent. [Picard looks offended.] Barrett: Forget that. We have a mission for you. Picard: A mission? Roddenberry: Yes, Shatner's gone over the edge. He's somewhere out there, running amuck, out of control. He's even trying to direct a film now. Picard: Good Lord, no! Barrett: It's worse than that, even. They're going to release a video of Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". [Picard makes various strangling noises to indicate his horror.] Roddenberry: He must be stopped. Barrett: Your mission is to terminate him. Picard: Terminate him? Roddenberry: With extreme prejudice. [ slide into familiar "Space, the final frontier" intro ... ] Episode Title: "Apocalypse in the 24 1/2 Century" Commercial break ~~ Part 1 [ on the bridge of the Enterprise] Picard: Stardate classified. Position classified. I am the only one of us who knows where we are going and what our terrible mission is. [Picard pauses dramatically and then resumes narration.] Picard: We're all under a shadow of uncertainty. To compound matters, the ship's food synthesizers were inadvertantly reprogrammed by Ensign Crusher and my digestion, accustomed to the finest French cuisine, has not reacted well. [Picard farts] {Sppppt!} [All fall silent on the bridge; Wesley is jamming his tunic sleeve into his mouth to stop from laughing.] Picard: Is there some problem? What seems to be the matter? {ssspppppffff!!} [a louder fart] [All remain silent as Picard gazes at each one in turn; while he is looking at Data and preparing to turn to Wesley, Data speaks.] Data: I believe someone farted, sir. Picard: Farted? Data: Passed gas, broke wind, cut the cheese... Picard: [interrupting] I understand. We're all adults here. [Pause] Almost all of us. There's no dishonor in admitting that one has a case of flatulence. [Picard stares at everyone again, beginning with Worf.] Worf: A Klingon fart would have ripped the top off the bridge. [Picard turns to Riker.] Riker: We have an old saying on Earth, sir. "The one who smells the breeze..." Picard: [interrupting] Enough! Just forget that I ever mentioned this miserable topic. Get me Engineering! LaForge: Picard: I need you up here right away. LaForge: Picard: Et tu, Geordi? [suddenly, various beeps and whistles sound off.] Worf: We've detected a distress signal from a nearby planet! Picard: Put it on the screen. [viewscreen shows balding elderly man with grime on his tunic sitting in what appears to be a storeroom] We haven't much time. It's too much for us... it came too ... too.. uuugghh ... suddenly ... uuuuggggghhh!! [man collapses and screen goes blank] Riker: It could be the Romulans, sir. They'be been detected in this sector recently. Picard: Send an Away Team to that planet immediately. Riker, take Wesley, Data, Troi, and Dr. Pulaski. Worf: Sir, I should go. I am a Klingon warrior. Picard: You're a Starfleet office and a turtlehead and don't you forget it! [Riker, Troi, Data, and Wesley walk to turbolift. Wesley is still choking on his shirt sleeve.] Commercial Break ~~ Part 2 [Scene opens in the transporter room where Away Team is preparing to beam down. Picard and LaForge are also present. Riker: Sir, I believe you haven't had a chance to meet Dr. Pulaski yet. Picard: [eloquently] Greetings, I am Captain Jean-Luc Picahd. Pulaski: Picahd? Are you having problems pronouncing your R's? Picard: What? Pulaski: Deaf, too? Picard: I think you have having difficulty with my aristocratic accent. Listen to this: The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain. Pulaski: I'm calling for the speech therapist. [Enter Doctor Baba Wawa.] Baba: Hewwo, Captain Picawd. How wucky you are to be tweated by me, Baba Wawa. Picard: Get her out of here. Right away. Come on. Out, out, out. Scat. Shoo. Hurry up and beam them down, Geordi. [Crew dematerializes and scene shifts to planet's surface, where crew appears on a landscape of plastic huts, styrofoam rocks, and a red sky.] Riker: I have the eerie feeling that I've been on a planet like this before. Wesley: I think the Captain's farts are totally excellent, sir. I wish I could do that. Hey, did I ever tell you about the story I wrote -- the one where this kid was in a pie-eating contest and vomited on everyone? Riker: Holy snorts of derision, Batman, you're talking about a veteran Shakespearean actor, Ensign Crusher. Now let's get to work and start searching. [ Crew disperses. Wesley enters one building.] Wesley: [All rush towards hut. Switch to interior where wide-eyed Wesley is standing over bald corpses.] Pulaski: They're dead. [runs scanner over bodies] Troi: Doctor, they've lost all of their hair! Pulaski: Yes, it appears that they died of embarrassment. Riker: We'd better beam up and tell the Captain. [Fade to conference room. Riker, Pulaski, Troi, Data, Worf, and Picard are present.] Picard: So, doctor, you are telling me that the whole outpost was wiped out by this mysterious baldness disease? Pulaski: Yes. Picard: I don't quite see the problem. [brushes something off his sleeve] Number One, are you shedding? Riker: [feels his head; a clump of hair comes out in his hand] Oh, no, I'm going bald, sir! Troi: I feel great humiliation. My hair is falling out too! Data: Most intriguing. All who went to the planet's surface are losing their hair. Pulaski: [after waving her scanner about] Except for the android. And Ensign Crusher. I'm going to run some tests on Wesley to see why he's not affected. Picard: {Spppppploooop!} [farts] [Pulaski nearly falls down trying to stop from laughing.] Picard: Muldaur, do you want to be doing soaps with Gates? Pulaski: Ah-a-haha-hahaahahahaha [sputters] No, sir. [breaks into gales of laughter] You're just so damn funny. [Everyone cracks up. Picard lets loose a really gigantic wet one. Worf starts to make farting noises by sticking his fist into his armpit. Picard whips around and shoots him with a phaser. All become quiet.] Picard: Where can we get another Klingon? Riker: Hmm... we've got Walter Koenig offstage. I'll have him suit up. [Koenig in new-style Klingon garb comes bounding onto the bridge.] Wekov: Klingon warrior Wekov reporting for duty, sir. May I add, it's a priwelage to work aboard this wessel, sir. Picard: No, stop it, stop it. This is too silly. I won't have this silliness on my ship. Send Koenig back. Worf: [rising off the floor] Does this mean I'm not dead? Picard: Yes, but you're still a turtlehead. And a Starfleet officer. So start groveling like the rest of them! Wekov: Hmph. If Michael Keaton can be the Batman, I can be a hulking Klingon. I'll see you in court! [stalks off stage] Commercial break ~~ Part 3 [scene opens back on the bridge] Data: Alien ship approaching sir. Worf: It does not appear to be Romulan. Wesley: Could this be another meaningless subplot? ALL: Shut up, Wesley. Picard: Hailing freq--- Worf: [interrupting] Hailing frequencies open, sir. [Picard stands up, preens, then puffs up his chest.] Picard: This is Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. Please identify yourself. Duck Dodgers in the [dramatic music] 24 1/2 CENTURY! [the viewscreen shows Daffy Duck and Porky Pig as Duck Dodgers and his faithful space cadet on the bridge of their ship.] Picard: Well, I'm sorry, we can't fight with you today. We must go see the Romulans. Duck Dodgers: You're desssspppicable! [Duck Dodgers' ship zooms away, with suitable pyrotechnics.] Pulaski: We were lucky to survive that encounter, Captain. Crew efficiency is down due to the baldness disease. I've tried everything -- even "the machine that goes 'ping'" -- but nothing works. Picard: You'll just have to find an answer. We can't have the whole crew looking like me. Pulaski: I'll run some more tests on Wesley, then, to see why he hasn't been affected. Wesley: Oh, no, not another enema. Riker: Sir, we need to find a replacement for Troi. Wesley: Yeah, she's a drag with all her hair gone. ALL: Shut up, Wesley! [Pulaski drags Wesley to the turbolift with a rather evil grin on her face.] Picard: But can we find a replacement with Troi's abilities? [Picard stiffens, as if trying to suppress a tremendous fart.] Riker: Well, we do have one officer who's half Betamax and half VHS. Picard: But those are incompatible formats! Data: Not for advanced Japanese electronics, sir. [Picard is now pacing madly and the crew is aware he's trying to get away before he cuts loose.] Picard: Hmm... does this officer have a name? Riker: Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks. Picard: Oh. Ahem. Aaaah. [Picard scowls at entire bridge crew who are all contorting their faces trying not to laugh. He dashes to the turbolift to fart in peace.] [Change scenes to a depressed-looking Picard wandering into the bar tended by Whoopi Goldberg] Picard: Uh, what a terrible day. I haven't even had a chance to make any dramatic quotes from Shakespeare. Whoopi: You think you have problems? AHAHAHAAHAHA! Look at this stupid hat I'm wearing. Look at the bad reviews I've gotten for my last 3 movies. Now tell me you got problems. Picard: I don't think I need to hear this. Joe Piscopo: Wanna Miller Lite? Picard: No. I think not. [looks disgusted and walks to wall and pushes button on wall] Computer, I -- Computer: [voice of Robin Williams] GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM! Picard: I don't think I like this place. [starts to walk out but sees Data staring at a TV] Data, what are you doing here? Data: I am attempting to understand the human concept of humor by watching the entire catalog of all sitcoms from the 1970's. I believe I have uncovered the root of my problem. Whoopi: You're really gonna dig this, Jean-babe. Picard: Well, out with it. Data: Our series has no laugh track. Most humans use the laugh track to determine when actual humor has occurred. Picard: Does "Hill Street Blues" have a laugh track? Does "Masterpiece Theater" have a laugh track? We're a quality television program, Data! We just don't use canned laughter. Data: "I Love Lucy" had a laugh track, sir. Picard: Hmph. You've a lot to learn about humanity. [exits] Data: Perhaps I should study slapstick humor also. Commercial break ~~ Part 4 [back on the bridge, Picard is in his chair and looking somewhat dour. Dr. Pulaski comes rushing off the turbolift.] Pulaski: I've found it! The cure! Troi: Hurry, before it's too late. [Pulaski gives Troi, Riker, Wesley and herself injections.] Picard: Well, what was it, Doctor? This is the first time a disease has been cured on the Enterprise for quite a long time. Pulaski: Cat sweat! All I needed was cat sweat! I discovered it while reading old Earth medical records from Bloom County. Picard: Now, perhaps you can work on my, er, problem. [ Data approaches Picard.] Data: Sir, I have a surprise for you. Picard: A surprise? [Data heaves a cream pie into Picard's face.] Data: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Woob-woob-woob! [Data falls to the floor and thrashes about.] Data: Woob-woob-woob-woob! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Pulaski: Looks like somebody blew a fuse. Data: [noting that all are stunned] That was a display of Earth humor. Are you not supposed to start tossing cream pies now? Picard: Data, we have advanced beyond such primitive humor. We are much more sophisticated than that. {ssfffPPPPff!} [several of the bridge crew members start hopping up and down and assuming contorted expressions as Picard's angry gaze sweeps the room and just DARES them to laugh.] [bells and buzzers go off.] Worf: Romulan vessel approaching. They are armed and dangerous. Picard: Shields up. Hailing freq-- Worf: Hailing frequencies open. [ John Cleese appears as Romulan commander on the screen.] Picard: Greetings, I am Capt-- Cleese: You are an inconsequential little piece of snot wiped off the buttocks of a grazing farm animal, you sniveling panty-waisted flaming booger caught in the horns of an elk named Frederick. I waggle my fanny at you. [turns around and moons the crew] Picard: Now, look here, I'm trying to carry on a civilized conversation. If you-- Cleese: Ah, I laugh at your sniveling false French toad accent, you balding molester of fat ugly children. Surrender immediately, or I shall taunt you again a second time. Riker: This looks serious, sir. Worf: I say we fight! Troi: I sense hostility. Great hostility. Really great hostility. An awful lot of enormous hostility. A tremen-- Picard: [interrupting] I get the picture. Number One, initiate Self-Destruct sequence. We'll show this Romulan a thing or two. Pulaski: Do we threaten to Self-Destruct every week? Riker: No, last season we surrendered every week. You'll get used to it. Data: Romulan is breaking off contact, sir. Worf: He's getting away. Picard: But we haven't even started our countdown yet. The cad! Data: Another ship attacked the Romulan. It appears to be --- NCC1701. [Dramatic music! Picard strikes a noble pose.] Picard: At last, Kirk, we shall meet in battle! uuuuuuuh. uuuh. uuuh... [hops up and down, then dashes into the turbolift again to relieve himself; as he departs a moment later, we see an unconscious LaForge sprawled on the floor of the lift...] Worf: It is Kirk! Time to die. Wesley: Oh, boy! Picard: Battle stations. Prepare for battle. [More dramatic music, sirens and flashing lights. Suddenly, the music dies down and the scene fades to... William Shatner sitting in a chair] Shatner: And now it's time for the big showdown. Bet you'd like to know the ending, right? But you're not going to see it. Why? Because, I, William Shatner, am directing, and the [ we see Spock slowly approaching from the background] only way you'll see the ending is by going to a theater, paying a special double-admission price, and chanting "I love William Shatner. Bill Shatner is God" repeatedly. Ha, ha ha! Ugggggh! [ he slumps forward as Spock applies the Vulcan nerve-pinch] Spock: I am in control now. I am in control of my emotions. I will direct this film to a logical ending. McCoy: Well, you pointy-eared hobgoblin, you can start out by getting me a bigger dresssing room. And.... uuurrrrggh! [ Spock applies the nerve-pinch again and McCoy drops to the ground. Scotty and Sulu drag away the bodies while Spock folds his hands together and stares at them. Spock: This may take some time. Announcer: [voiceover] And now, for the first time ever, dug out from the Paramount vaults by desperate movie executives, the ORIGINAL ending, as directed by William Shatner. [ we see the new and old Enterprise close until they are nearly touching. "Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes," shouts Kirk, while Sulu looks at him in puzzlement. The two ships start blasting each other at point-blank range with phasers and photon torpedoes... big chunks of each ship fly off into space accompanied by fiery explosions and shots of the crew of the original Enterprise doing multiple bridge lurches. (Note: accompanying music is all remniscent of "The Crimson Pirate.") Suddenly, a swarm of redshirts appear on the top of the saucer of NCC1701 and toss grappling hooks over to the new Enterprise. The two ships pull together and the TOS crew, waving swords and led by Kirk, jump onto the saucer of the TNG ship and rush to the bubble over the bridge. They smash it open with axes, then start lowering themselves down on ropes onto the TNG bridge, whereupon they begin skewering TNG crewmen. Kirk, with cutlass, confronts Picard, who has picked up a fencing foil. Picard: I am the superior swordsman, Kirk. You had best sur-- Uuuuuuccckkkkggggh! [Kirk runs him through the midsection while Picard speaks.] Riker: Wait, everyone, wait! We are not doing this for ourselves. An alien entity is in control. Forcing us to fight this way, like puppets, for its own pleasure. Data: Correct. Observe the Paramount executives. They glow more brightly when the action intensifies. They fade when the plot becomes cerebral. Riker: Kirk, do you want this? Do you want to engage in this sense- less slaughter just to satisfy a parasitic alien? Kirk: No, I engage in it to satisfy my ego! [Kirk pulls out a flintlock pistol and fires, mortally wounding Data, who has leaped in front of Riker. Riker grabs Troi and flees into the turbolift.] Kirk: Quick, Spock, I think I know where he's going. To the Batpole! [Kirk and Spock rush to a panel, which opens to reveal the Batpole. Kirk grabs it and slides down. Looking quite disgusted, Spock does likewise. They emerge (on the holodeck?) on the deck of a 17th century galleon, where Riker has somehow carried Troi up to the top of the mast. He has tied Troi to the mast and now walks, waving his cutless and muttering "Har, har, har, me hearties". Kirk puts his sword in his mouth (sharp- side in, on the first try, resulting in a bloody mouth) and clambers up the rigging of another mast. He reachs the top, grabs a rope, and swings over to the mast where Riker is perched. They engage in swordplay with wild abandon. Kirk: Thrust, parry, lunge, ha! Thrust, parry, lunge, ha! Riker knocks the sword out of Kirk's hand and Kirk backs up, as Riker slowly advances with an evil grin and waves his blade in front of Kirk's chest. Spock: Jim, move your right hand precisely 23.4 centimeters to the right. [Kirk complies.] Spock: I said, 23.4 centimeters to your right, sir. Kirk: Blast it, Spock, I don't understand the metric system. [Spock shrugs, then heaves his own cutless. We cut back to Kirk, who grabs the thrown cutless in mid-air and then thrusts it into the chest of the oncoming Riker. Riker steps back with a shocked expression as blood pours from his chest. Then he suddenly spurts off into the air, like a balloon from which the air is escaping. Kirk rushes to Troi and engulfs her in a long, gooey kiss. The camera pans slowly from their heads down to their writhing midsections. We see Kirk's hand release the cutless, and as the camera pans slowly down the mast, we hear a "Urk!" and when we reach the bottom of the mast, we see Spock's prone body with the dropped cutlass sticking out of his back. The camera focuses on the mast, which moves up and down, up and down, as the ship rolls in the sea and Troi and Kirk moan in the rigging. Credits roll: PRODUCED BY WILLIAM SHATNER DIRECTED BY WILLIAM SHATNER STARRING WILLIAM SHATNER SPECIAL THANKS TO WILLIAM SHATNER etc..] AND NOW, scenes from next week's exciting episode! [we see Troi writhing in what appears to be agony, then we cut to shot of Wesley wrestling with some dark leathery object.] Wesley: It's stuck on Troi's chest and it won't let go! Riker: Relax, Ensign Crusher, it's just her bra. Let me have a try at it. consider also: "The Day the Fish Stood Still" with John Cleese as a silver-painted Gort and Michael Palin reprising his role as the stuttering K-k-ken in place of Patricia Neal: "K-k-kl-kl-aatu barada ni-ni-ni-nic-nic-ni-n..."