.......................................................................
............. .............
......... Star Trek: The Next Generation ..........
......... Episode XXI: Who's The Better Crew? ..........
............. .............
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Scene 1:
[In a low-budgeted type universe]
Kirk: Stardate supplemental. With Wesley gone and Troi as working
prostitute, everything looks great...Everything is running
smoothly, every lonely crew-member is happy, and the morale of
of the ship is up. Nevertheless, I have this feeling that some-
thing is going to go wrong...
[WHOOOOSHH!!]
Spock: Captain, the duck has returned.
Kirk: Open hailing frequencies: [Uhura does and nods] And will you
please answer instead of nodding! ["Sorry Captain"] This is Capt.
Kirk of the USS Enterprise. What brings you back? After that
little stunt, I oughta blast you first and then ask questions!
Picard:
Kirk: Why the change of mind?
Picard:
Kirk: You could have went back five days before lunchtime using the
the slingshot. What's the truth Picard?
Picard:
Kirk: [Rubbing chin] Okay, but it will have to wait until we finish
our current assignment.
Picard:
Kirk: No. [...well maybe one particular whale-lady...] Okay, we'll
help.
========================================================================
Scene 2:
[Aboard the NCC 1701-D...]
[Kirk and Picard pass some time on their way to the Neutral Zone...]
Kirk: Captain's Log...
Picard: ...the way its at
Kirk: Yo, we're travelin' through space...
Picard: ...To retrieve the brat
Kirk: I wouldn't bother...
Picard: ...its really insane
Kirk: But Picard wants to get in the pants of this dame!
Crew: Yeah!
Kirk: So here we are...
Picard: ...singin' you this rap
Kirk: To let you all know...
Picard: ...where things are at
Kirk: Hey we're almost there...
Picard: ...Well how 'bout that
Kirk & Picard: I just hope that Wesley knows
that he's not wanted back.
Crew: Yeah!!
========================================================================
Scene 3:
[By computer console of NCC 1701-D]
Picard: And this is our computerized log record...
Kirk: Hmmm...mind if I take a look?
Picard: Certainly!
Kirk: I see you have some old records here, from when I commanded...
Wait a minute! We never got that disease from another ship!
Picard: We did.
Kirk: Oh. And this one is messed up too! We didn't do that exactly
like that either! Oh and look! There's Trelayne! "Go back
from where thou camest!" He was a cute kid...sore loser though.
Picard: He called himself "Q".
Kirk: Your adventures are like our adventures! Don't you have anything
original that you've done?
Yar: I can't just stand here listening to him tell us that our adventures
are unoriginal!! I won't stand for it!!
Kirk: Dammit, girl! Get a hold of yourself!! *You* have got to get
a hold of yourself! Stop overreacting!!
Worf: Silence Kirk!! Look who's talking about overacting!!
Picard: Worf! Why so hostile?
Worf: Permission to speak openly, sir?
Picard: Yes.
Worf: That murderous terran killed my grandfather on Genesis!!
Kirk: Well your Klingon (bastard!) grandfather's crew tried to kill us!
And one member killed my son!
Data: Intriging...
Worf: [mumbling to himself] (Too bad it wasn't you!)
Kirk: I got to go back to my ship. [into communicator] Beam me up,
Scotty. [Kirk fades]
Worf: [mumbling to himself] (Just like a terran...to run away from a
Klingon!)
========================================================================
Scene 4:
Beverly: Oh! You must be Dr. McCoy! My goodness! You look so young!
McCoy: Yes, thank you...and you are..?
Beverly: Crusher...Dr. Beverly Crusher.
McCoy: [smile appears on his face] ..Crusher? [starts to laugh]
Dr. 'Bones' Crusher?
Beverly: Yes...what's so amusing?
McCoy: Bones crusher!!! Oh I'm sure your patients love the name!!
[Laughing hysterically] Dammit Jim I'm a sadist..not a doctor!!!
Beverly: [Coldly] Really!!
[Kirk enters]
McCoy: Jim!! [Laughing and rasping for breath] Bones crusher!! Ha ha
ha ha!!!! Dammit Jim, I'm a saa ha ha ha! [exits]
[Beverly, all red in the face with anger, turns to face Kirk]
Beverly: [coldly] What do you want?
Kirk: I want to speak with you for a minute.
Beverly: One minute. That's it.
[typical Star Trek love music is heard...]
Kirk: Every once in a while, a man falls in love with a beautiful lady.
Sometimes he doesn't really know how to tell her he loves her. And
when the guy feels like that his love will not be returned, he
might do rash things, like even getting rid of anyone in his way,
in order to love, and be loved.
Beverly: [In a much calmer and sensuous tone] Oh James...
Kirk: Yes Dr. Crushummmmmmp. [...As Beverly jumps on Kirk and they
tumble to the floor of her cabin.]
========================================================================
Scene 5:
[Aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D...]
[corridor]
Scotty: Ach! Hows someone supposed ta find their way in this bucket-
of-bolts?
Voice: May I help you?
Scotty: Aye, ye sure can. I was looking for the chief engineer,
MacDougal. [Suddenly realizing that noone is around him] Who's
sayin' that? [Sees wall computer in corridor]
Computer: Chief Engineer MacDougal is in Engineering. Just follow the
arrows below. Have a nice day, and maybe next time we could do
tea or maybe we can talk about anything you want, or...
Scotty: Up yer' shaft!
[Scotty follows arrows until he enters...]
[Engineering]
MacDougal: Scotty, according to my teachings, you are known as "the
miracle worker." I am honored to have you here talking to me!
Scotty: Aye, I'm sure it tis lassie. So what's the maximum warp you
have been able to get to.
MacDougal: Very close to 10 sir. We are very proud to be one of the...
Scotty: Less than warp 10! Wouldn't ye be havin' transwarp?
MacDougal: Well, no...
Scotty: Well let me see...[looks at panel of chips in wall]...lets see...
Well, if my miracle instincts are still workin', all you need to do
is switch this chip with this one, get rid of this one, an' put
this, an' that should do it!
MacDougal: What did you do?
Scotty: I just simply removed the chip which prevented the extra flow
of energy from goin' into the warp drive, but I also added a
protector chip, which will prevent the warp chips from burning out.
Actually it was quite easy.
MacDougal: You *are* a miracle worker.
Scotty: Aye!...an' let me show you some more miracles...
[A grin appears on Scotty's face...]
[Scotty and MacDougal proceed to her quarters...]
========================================================================
Scene 6:
[In lounge of NCC 1701-D]
Chapel: ...so you see, I am *not* your mother.
Troi: I'm sorry. I really did think that you were my mother. I do not
understand. Confusion...
Chapel: Well it's really quite easy. It's a matter of my personal
marital status. Y'see, I am married to the boss, so I get to have
a role in every series of his that I want to appear in.
Troi: I see, so for special favors, you can get multiple roles?
Chapel: Sure. Take the actor Mark Lenard for instance. We've seen
him as a Romulan, a Klingon, and as Spock's Vulcan father. He is
going to appear as a Ferengi, even though we're not supposed to
know that Ferengi exist. [whispers] I have the script, so I know
everything about everyone.
Troi: What did he do for the boss to be given multi-roles? Did he do
a special favor?
Chapel: Oh he did a special favor...but for me. [winks at Troi]
========================================================================
Scene 7:
[Aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701...]
Picard: You mean to tell me that she [points to Troi] can be used like
that?? I've been sitting next to her for 18 episodes and I could of
been...DAMN!
Chekov: [to Sulu] Sound sexually fwustratid. Eh?
Sulu: [smiles and nods, then says to Chekov...] Our captain never had
it *that* bad.
Spock: [To Picard] Affermative. It even took me by surprise, but I am
in control of my emotions. I am in control of my emotions!! I *am*
in control of my emotions!!! ARG! [Leaps onto Troi and mind melds]
[Kirk enters bridge, straightening out shirt, and looks around...
when the other crew members look at Kirk and give him a knowing smile,
he smiles and winks back.]
Kirk: Status report. [moment passes, and Kirk sees Spock] Spock!!
Spock: [regaining control of his emotions] Aye Captain.
Kirk: Status report.
Spock: Oh. [he goes to his station and looks into viewer...after a second
he replies in a calm voice] Klingons approaching...
Kirk: Red alert! Shields up! Arm phasers! Magnification full!
Picard: I must prepare my crew to go to get off the main bridge and get
ready for battle! [Pressing insignia] Riker, get everyone off of the
main bridge and into the battle bridge!!
Riker:
Picard: Good work! [Turns to Kirk] Anyone have a suggestion to what
I should do?
Kirk: Relax. Just sit on the floor and watch an old pro in action.
Uhura, open hailing frequencies.
Uhura: Aye, Captain...sir, the Klingons are sending a distress signal...
code red.
Kirk: Analysis, Mr Spock?
Spock: They are in perfect condition. No external or interior damage.
However, they are not cloaked and they're shields are down. All
weapon systems are off.
Uhura: They are signaling us, sir.
Kirk: [Surprised] On viewer.
Captain Dk'ls: Kirk!! You win!! We surrender!
Picard: Hey! That's my line!
Dk'ls: You want peace, you got peace! Just take back Wesley!!
Kirk: What happened?
Dk'ls: Well, we confined Wesley to a prison cell, but he escaped.
He took over engineering, and looked over our cloaking device,
and replied 'How primitive'. He then made another cloaking
device, which taps into the energy of our ship. His cloaking
device, however, fits on his belt, and no one can see him.
Oh please help us! He's driving us crazy!!
Kirk: [sarcastically] What makes you think we want him back? [Picard
glances and growls at Kirk] Maybe this is a trick. Maybe you
are...
Dk'ls: [whining] Please!!!
Kirk: Alright already. [Into chair intercom] Scotty, beam up the little
pest using the signal his insignia gives off as a position.
Scotty: [sighing] <> [pause] <>
Kirk: [Into chair intercom] Good. Beam him to the duck ship...
[Picard glances at Kirk again] ...err, I mean the other
Enterprise. Kirk out. [sighs and faces viewer]
Dk'ls: Thank you. We will *consider* peace.
Picard: Gotta go. Crusher must be waiting for me!!
Sulu: The Klingon ship has just warped out of the system.
Picard: Kirk, thanks for your help. I think I've learned a lot.
Bye. [Picard beams back to his ship]
[McCoy materializes on bridge]
McCoy: Hi Jim! How was "Bones" Crusher? Was that just her name or
sexual tendencies? [laughs hysterically]
Kirk: Speaking of which, they forgot to beam Troi [who now fades]
back....Oh well [sigh]
[Every other male member on bridge sighs]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Epilogue:
Picard: Bev? Are you in?
Beverly: Yes. What do you want.
Picard: [enters] Are you ready to have some fun?..hmmm...
Beverly: Not tonight. I've got a headache.
Picard: What? Why not take something for it? You are a doctor y'know.
Beverly: Oh Captain! Don't you get the picture? No, I don't have a
headache. It's just that, well after Kirk, I know I can do much
better than you.
Picard: [flushed with anger] I...you...umph! [Starts to walk out of
her room...] That's alright...there's something I've been dying
to try with Troi anyway...'Bones' Crusher... [Laughs as he exits]
[Beverly's face reddens with anger]
[The End!]
========================================================================
This episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, has been created, thanks
to the following older episodes:
Trek Classic (old series) Diet Trek (cartoons)
========================= ====================
Episodes 1 - 79 Episodes 1A - 22A
Cherry Trek (Movies) New Trek (new series)
==================== =====================
Movies I - IV Episodes 1 - 20
...lets face it...we can find a little Trek in each of these that we
can compare this episode to...
---===> Seth Meyer <===---
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You've seen it in the episode, now hear it on laser disc...
* Kirk and Picard Rappin' Through Space *
You get some of your favorites, like Picard singing...
"I Surrender...But not every show...once in a while...Like every
*second* show"
"Get off...I said get off...The bridge ain't for you to be...Take the hint
from me...Before Worf pulls out his disrupter, I think you better leave!"
and of course...
"Crisis time...Yo it's crisis time you see...gotta go!.. Beverly's waiting
for me!"
Kirk, as he raps:
"Need a girl...I say I need one soon...need a girl...Any gorgeous
one will do"
"Enterprise, Reliant, Botony Bay...At least it don't look like some fowl
play! "
and the famous...
"Shoot to Kill, Shoot to Kill...we come in peace..."
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Wesley and Troi rappin'!
"I'm tying up the turbolift, and I don't care...Only when I'm ensign,
I'll get out of here!"
"Pain...P-p-pain...Yeah I feel Pain! Too much! Ugh!"
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