These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.  Her 5-year mission:
to boldly go where no man has gone before!
(Kirk enters Ladies' Room.)
UHURA:  Eeeek!!!  Captain, we've got to stop meeting like this.
KIRK:  Sorry, Lieutenant.  Er... report to the bridge.  Nice underwear.
(Bridge scene.)
KIRK:  Captain's log, stardate 7182.8.  The Enterprise is answering a
        distress call from the colony on Omigod Ceti V.  We are entering
        standard orbit.
SULU:  Entering standard orbit, sir.
(Kirk bangs on log book.)
KIRK:  Spock, I've asked you to fix that echo.
SULU:  Something strange, Captain:  Although we've entered standard
        orbit, our port side continues to face down toward the planet.
KIRK:  That's what "standard orbit" means, Mr. Sulu.  It always looks
        better if we keep the planet to our left.
CHEKOV:  Sir!  Sensors detect two Klingon wessels approaching de
        planet!
KIRK:  Right!  Take us on an intercept course.  Uhura, hail the Klingon
        wessels.  What's a "wessel?" 
UHURA:  I think he means "weasel," Sir.
CHEKOV:  Not "veasel," "wessel!"
SULU:  Klingons entering visual range, sir.
(Two Klingon ships appear on the view screen, upside-down.)
KIRK:  Oh, my god!
SULU:  No, sir, we've left orbit.
KIRK:  They're flying upside-down!
SPOCK:  Actually, sir, there is no "down" in outer space:  The law of
        gravity states...
MCCOY:  Enough of your damn Vulcan logic, Spock!  Anybody can see
        they're upside-down!
(Interior of Klingon bridge appears on view screen.)
KREEP:  This is Kaptain Kreep, of the Klingon wessel Kong.
CHEKOV:  See?  I told you so!
KREEP:  We demand to know why you are flying upside-down!
KIRK:  WE'RE not flying upside-down, YOU are!!
KREEP:  We demand you fly right-side-up, or we'll be forced to open fire!
KIRK:  Arm phasers!  Fire!!
(Klingon bridge shakes on view screen.)
KREEP:  Klung wa run'gg'h hwa!!!
(SUBTITLE:  Your mother doesn't wear army boots!!!)
KIRK:  What?
KREEP:  Read the subtitles, you flat-foreheaded Federation fool!
(Kirk looks down.)
KIRK:  Oh, yeah?  Up yours!!
(SUBTITLE:  Ee kra?  K'uff zrok!!)
KIRK:  Kreep, what's that overhead?
(Kreep looks up.)
KIRK:  Charge torpedo tubes!  Fire photon torpedoes!!
(Klingon bridge shakes on view screen.)
KREEP:  Sneaky trick, Kirk!
KIRK:  Hey, how'd you know my name?
KREEP:  I watch the show every week, 6:00 KST.
SPOCK:  That would explain the leak Starfleet Headquarters reported, sir.
KIRK:  Fire photon torpedoes!!
SULU:  We're all out of photons, sir.
KIRK:  Then fire phasers!!
SULU:  We're fresh out of those, too.
KIRK:  Well, fire anything that begins with a "ph!!"
SULU:  Sorry, sir, no can do.
KIRK:  Then fire the writers!!
SULU:  Captain, we did that last week.
KIRK:  Then fire Gene Roddenberry!!
THUNDERING VOICE FROM ABOVE:  WHAT?!
KIRK:  Belay that order, Mr. Sulu.
CHEKOV:  Aaggghhhh!!!!!
KIRK:  Chekov!  What is it?
CHEKOV:  Just practicing, sir.
MCCOY:  Jim, do you think you could get me a chair?  I'm getting mighty
        tired of standing over your shoulder.
KIRK:  Sorry, Bones, only the Captain gets to be comfortable on the
        bridge.
SCOTT:  Och!  Loch gang agley bairn!
KIRK:  What's that, Scotty?
SCOTT:  Sorry, sir, I was just choking on a piece of haggis.
CHEKOV:  Keptin!!  Klingon wessels approaching from opposite
        directions!
SULU:  We can't outrun them, sir.
KIRK:  Take us on course 5130 mark 2790!
SULU:  But, sir, that would put us right between them!
KIRK:  That's an order, Mr. Sulu!
SULU:  We're directly between the Klingon ships, sir, and they're
        approaching at warp 10!!
KIRK:  Steady, Mr. Sulu.
SULU:  Range: 5 kilometers and closing, sir!
KIRK:  Steady, Mr. Sulu.  Set a course straight up.
SULU:  Is that our "up" or their "up," sir?
KIRK:  Mr. Sulu...
SULU:  Range: 1 kilometer and closing, sir!
KIRK:  Warp 9, now!!
(External view:  Enterprise zooms upward, as the two Klingon ships,
flying upside-down, crash into each other, producing a pretty
explosion.)
KIRK:  Well, Spock, how's that for logic?
SPOCK:  Quite poor, Captain.  Space is so vast, that the odds that two
        ships approaching each other would actually collide is
        approximately 235,869,856,842,576,5...
KIRK:  Anyway, we encountered an interesting paradox on this episode:
        Were we upside-down, or were the Klingons?
SPOCK:  As I tried to explain earlier, Captain, there was really no
        paradox:  Weightlessness in outer space implies that...
(Kirk laughs, then the rest of the bridge crew, except Spock, who raises
an eyebrow.)
MCCOY:  You're a stubborn Vulcan, Mr. Spock.
CHEKOV:  Romulan wessel appearing vidin sensor range, sir.
KIRK:  Does everybody have these "wessels" except us?
CHEKOV:  Entering visual range.
KIRK:  On the screen, Mr. Chekov.
(Romulan warbird appears on screen, flying toward the viewer, on its
side.)
KIRK:  Oh, no, not again.
UHURA:  Sir, the Romulans are hailing us, demanding to know why we
        are flying on our side.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tune in next episode, same channel, same time...

SPOCK:  Actually, the time will depend on your Lorentz frame.
KIRK:  Never mind that, Spock, Ferengi wessels are approaching...
        backwards!!
FERENGI CAPTAIN:  !sdrawkcab gniylf era uoy yhw wonk ot dnamed eW
KIRK:  Where are the damn subtitles?
SPOCK:  No subtitles are necessary, Captain; they are speaking Standard.
MCCOY:  Right, Spock, and now I suppose you are going to tell us that
        backwards is the same as forewards in outer space.
SPOCK:  No, Doctor, but their form of speech follows directly from the
        fact that the Ferengi will not be discovered for another 70 years.
MCCOY:  You've finally gone off the deep end, Spock.  That green blood
        of yours is affecting your brain!
SPOCK:  In a human's eye!
UHURA:  Captain, I've just intercepted a message from the Romulans to
        the Ferengi demanding to know why they are flying backwards on
        their side.
SULU:  Sir, I just noticed that the planet Omigod Ceti V is ROTATING on its
        side!
CHEKOV:  And backvards?
SULU:  I don't know; which is backwards, clockwise or
        counterclockwise?
UHURA:  Captain, I've just received a message from our sponsor.  They
        want us to go to a commercial.
CHEKOV:  Vat is a "commercial?"
KIRK:  What's a "vat?"
SULU:  In fact, the planet is also ORBITING on its side.
KIRK:  Take us out of here, Mr. Sulu.  I've had enough paradoxes for one
        day.
SPOCK:  Jim, I'll try to explain this to you one more time:  These are NOT
        paradoxes, it's merely a matter of your choice of coordinate...
MCCOY:  Shut up, Spock, the program's over!
KIRK:  How can you tell?
MCCOY:  They've been rolling the credits over us for the past 5 minutes.
CHEKOV:  Vat is an "associate producer?"
KIRK:  Aha!  You see, Spock?  That proves that we are at the END of the
        program, and therefore we are flying FOREWARDS!
SPOCK:  Not necessarily, Captain.  These could be the OPENING credits.
SULU:  But then the credits would be rolling UP, not DOWN.
SPOCK:  Not necessarily:  We could be going backwards AND
        upside-down.
SCOTT:  I canna take much more o' this!
UHURA (to switchboard):  I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
KIRK:  Beam me up, Scotty!
SCOTT:  But you're already up, sir!
KIRK:  Unless I'm really already DOWN!
MCCOY:  I really think we should end the show now, our time is already
        up.
KIRK:  Unless it's DOWN!
SPOCK:  That does it.  I'm taking control of the ship.  Mr. Sulu, plot a
        course to take us off the air.

This has been a Paramount/Desilu/Gulf&Western production.

CHEKOV:  Vat?
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