The Enterprise is in the Arcturan Sector of the galaxy. The bridge receives an important m

The Enterprise is in the Arcturan Sector of the galaxy. The bridge receives an important message. WORF I'm getting a priority one distress call from what seems to be the Lepus solar system. DATA Confirmed. The signal is coming from planet Lepus 2. They want us to come quick like a bunny. RIKER Quick like a bunny?? DATA Lepus 2 is an agricultural colony. Most of the population are rabbit ranchers. RIKER Captain Picard to the bridge. We have a priority one distress signal! Dramatic music Cut to opening credits. ACT I Picard arrives on the bridge, holding a lucky rabbit's foot in one hand. PICARD So we have a distress call from Lepus 2. I believe I know the leader of the colony. RIKER What is his name? PICARD His name is Pierre Lapin. He was in my graduating class at the Academy. He later left Star Fleet for the lucrative field of rabbit ranching. Data looks at Picard with a mixture of dread and incomprehension. DATA Captain, as a Frenchmen you must be aware that Pierre Lapin means "Peter Rabbit"! WORF Ugh! A bad rabbit joke! WESLEY I thought you didn't understand our humor. WORF That joke was so bad even I understood it! PICARD What bad rabbit joke? Get me engineering. In Engineering, Geordi LaForge is busy fixing a problem. A pile of optoelectronic chips is on the floor and Geordi LaForge is slowly putting them back into their proper sockets. LAFORGE Engineering. LaForge here. PICARD This is Jean Luc Picard. Could you give me warp 8.8 now. We have a priority one distress call. LAFORGE We have a problem here captain. Some of the bratty kids on this ship raided Engineering. They pulled out most of the optoelectronic chips and used them to play dominoes. PICARD How long will it take you to fix it? LaForge looks at the mountain of chips and sighes. LAFORGE At this rate, 2 years. Of course if Data did it, it might take 2 hours. PICARD But its already been done! Data did that to save the ship 36 episodes ago We can't steal material from previous episodes! LAFORGE We've done it before. PICARD All right..... I'll send Data down to you. Mr. Data. Hop to it! Data arrives at Engineering and gets all the chips in after 2 hours. After finishing, Data looks troubled and confides in Geordi. LAFORGE Whats bothering you, Data? DATA The captain seems different. He has been recently indulging in a large number of bad rabbit jokes. It could impair his ability to command the ship. LAFORGE If I were you, I'd blame on the writers. And how could telling some jokes affect his command ability? DATA Hmmm... If the jokes get any worse, there is the potential for mutiny. ( Over intercom ) PICARD Mr. Data and Mr. LaForge to the briefing room. We are entering orbit around Lepus 2. All of the ship's senior officers are in the briefing room. Picard now has 2 rabbit's feet in his pockets. They are awaiting a message from Pierre Lapin, the rabbit colony's governor. COUNSELOR TROI I feel something strange about the lifeforms on Lepus 2. All but 2 are humanoid. The other 2 feel "2 dimensional". DR POLASKI What's so unusual about that? We have a lot of 2 dimensional characters on this series... THe Enterprise is signaled by the planet. Pierre Lapin appears on the on the screen. In the background are walls covered with promotional posters. Some of the posters read "Buy Lepus 2 Coney Dogs", "No Day is Complete without Rabbit Stew!" and "Join the Lepus 2 Colony: Its a Hare Raising Life!" PICARD THis is captain Jean Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. State the nature of your emergency. LAPIN Something has been overgrazing the land. We are running short of grazing land for the rabbits. PICARD Pierre, you mean to tell me that you issued a priority one distress call because of grazing problems for rabbits? DATA Captain, this sounds alot like the begining for "The Trouble With Tribbles"! Don't we want to do something more original? LAPIN Jean Luc, dozens of planets are dependent on us for meat and rabbit's feet! You must help us! PICARD Don't worry, we will. but we need to know more about your situation. LAPIN We believe a Ferrengi agent named Remle Dduf is taking pot shots at the rabbits. And the Updoc is being tampered with. RIKER Updoc? What's Updoc? OTHER OFFICERS Ugh! WORF Another bad rabbit joke! This is getting intolerable! The briefing room is very tense after these remarks. Dramatic music and cut to commercial. THe End for now. Star Trek: the Next Generation part 2, "Night of the Lepus" As we return to the briefing room, there is tension after a bad rabbit joke. Captain Picard tries to calm the situation. PICARD Let's calm down now! There's no reason to be upset! WORF ( Under his breath ) That's because he doesn't think there is such a thing as a bad rabbit joke. LAPIN Updoc is a food supplement for the rabbits! Jean Luc, please come down as soon as possible. PICARD In two shakes of a rabbit's tail. OTHER OFFICERS Ugh! LAPIN Lapin out. Radio contact with Lepus 2 has finished. PICARD We still have a job to do! If we allow rabbits to be shot at, we will allow dozens of planets to starve. And if the flow of rabbit products is stopped, there will be no more rabbit's feet and the Federation will run out of good luck! RIKER So , what do we do about this bunny problem? PICARD No. 1, form an away team. I will accompany you on the planet's surface. RIKER What! What about your safety! What if you trip over a rabbit and break your legs? PICARD The only real danger is to the rabbits. Besides, why should you be the only one to have fun. RIKER All right, everyone in the briefing room will be in the away team. LAFORGE Isn't that a little reckless? Why expose the entire bridge crew to danger at the same time? PICARD Why not! It will add to the tension and excitement! They all take the turbolift and go to the nearest transporter room. Along the way, they stop at ship's stores and pick up rabbit's feet. When they arrive at the transporter room, there is a problem. They can't all fit in the transporter chamber. RIKER It will look more dramatic if we all beam down at the same time. Wesley, go to ship's stores and get a shoehorn. Soon Wesley returns with a giant shoehorn. Everybody is pushed together like sardines. They all manage to fit on the transporter platform. They beam down outside, near the office of Pierre Lapin. Nearby is a corral with rabbits in them. The rabbits are huge! Most are about the size of horses. The rabbits all wear name tags and have radio transmitters. Some of the rabbit's names are .... Flopsy, Mopsy, Dropsy, Jack, Roger etc. THere is a rabbit stall for Bugs, but Bugs is not in sight. The landing party looks with astonishment at the huge rabbits. Pierre Lapin comes to greet them with his wife, Nicole. RIKER This is NOT what I expected! LAPIN Those are Arcturan MegaRabbits. My name is Pierre Lapin and this is my wife Nicole. NICOLE Hello Jean Luc. Picard blushes. Troi watches with interest. TROI I'm getting very strong impressions from you, captain. Back at the Academy, Pierre used to fix you up with lot of "hot babes". And Nicole was one of them. By now, the skin on the top of Picard's bald head is blushing. NICOLE When Jean Luc knew me, I was Nicole Coquette. DATA Captain, as a Frenchman you must know that .... PICARD Hush, Data! Riker quietly take Troi aside. RIKER Did you have to embarass the captain like that? TROI It keeps the captain on his toes! LAFORGE ( To Lapin )Where do you get your rabbit's feet from? A rabbit's foot from these rabbits must weigh at least 20 pounds! NICOLE We have Petits Lapins for the rabbit's feet. DR POLASKI Pierre Lapin, you said you had some kind of problem with vermin eating the rangeland. Do you know what the vermin is? LAPIN The vermin are sheep, from the planet Anthrax. We believe the Ferrengi introduced them to Lepus 2. RIKER Wait a minute! You're trying to protect grazing land for rabbits from wild sheep? Something doesn't seem right here! PICARD Pierre, could you show Dr. Polaski one of the dead rabbits? DR POLASKI I'm a doctor, not a vet! DATA Now you sound like Dr. Mc..... PICARD Data, quiet! Dr. , could you look at the dead rabbits? DR POLASKI Well, all right. Sometimes you can be very pigheaded, captain! Polaski is led to a dead rabbit. DR POLASKI This rabbit was killed by a bullet from an old style hunting rifle! DATA Whoever did this has a fondness for antiques. Several hours later, night falls. The landing party has finished a dinner of rabbit steak, washed down with rabbit's milk. Worf and Data are patrolling outside. Worf notices that a rabbit is missing. WORF Alert! A rabbit is missing! Picard comes outside, still wearing slippers with rabbit ears on them. Lapin also comes outside, with a radio direction finder tuned to the frequency of the missing rabbit, Roger. Worf brings a high powered light. They go to the rabbit stables and find Roger's head neatly mounted on a board with a plaque. DATA Good taxedermy work. PICARD This is disgraceful! THis rabbit could have fed many people! But now look at him! His head framed like a trophy! I want to know who framed Roger Rabbit!! WORF Ugh!! Yet another bad rabbit joke! I didn't join Starfleet to be tortured! Dramatic music at this tense time and cut to commercial. Star Trek: the Next Generation part 3, "Night of the Lepus" Voiceover of captain's log while showing the planet Lepus 2. PICARD Captain's log, stardate 2337.6. Roger Rabbit has been found dead, appearantly killed by the mysterious Remle Dduf. The away team also seems uneasy over a rash of bad rabbit jokes. ( Though I haven't heard any ) I am calling a meetting with the rabbit ranchers and the landing party. The away team and some ranchers are gathered around a table. For some reason, the captain still has his rabbit slippers on. PICARD We need to find some sort of solution to our dilemma. How could Remle Dduf get at the rabbits? Pierre, after the first few incidents, didn't you put up force field fences around the rabbit's grazing land and quarters? LAPIN We put force fields up. They were up last night, but it does no good. WORF How high is the force field? LAPIN Over 8 meters high. WORF Did Remle Dduf tunnel into the rabbit's area? LAPIN No, he jumped! WORF A humanoid jumps over 8 meters and lands unhurt? What is he made of? Rubber? LAPIN Some members of my staff have had a glimpse of Remle Dduf. When he jumps, his legs seem to bend like rubber. PICARD Appearantly Remle Dduf is not life as we know it. RIKER Then what is he? DATA Remle Dduf must be life as we do not know it. RIKER Data! You're developing a sense of humor! DATA Am I? PICARD I'm open to suggestions, even silly ones, if it will help solve this mystery. DATA Hmm.. Mystery. Perhaps we need the services of the world's greatest consulting detective. None other than Sherlock Holmes. Come Geordi, the rabbit hunter is afoot! LAFORGE This is supposed to be something new and original? You brought down the costumes? DATA Just in case of emergency. Holmes motto was always to be prepared. LAFORGE That's the Boy Scouts motto! PICARD Please, Data! No pipes! Data and LaForge run to a hut and change into the clothes of Watson and Holmes. They come outside again. "Watson" pulls out his pocket watch. It is a rabbit watch! It is like a Mickey Mouse watch except in place of Mickey is Bugs Bunny. "Watson" shows the watch to "Holmes" LAFORGE What do you make of this Holmes? DATA Possibly the solution to our problem! Come to the scene of the crime, Watson! "Holmes" runs to the place where Roger Rabbit's head was found. Watson stays behind. DATA Watson! Come here! I want you! "Watson" comes running. LAFORGE What did you do, invent the telephone? DATA I have found a bullet from the very gun that shot Roger Rabbit! Look how it has changed! "Holmes" picks up the bullet. It has turned into a thin bullet shaped sheet of plastic. LAFORGE I don't understand, Holmes! This is no longer a bullet! It is just the drawing of a bullet! DATA Precisely! The criminal himself is nothing but an animated drawing! We must deduce who it is from his modus operandi! LAFORGE In this scene, we've been pretty animated ourselves. DATA I must go to the ship to study tapes of old animated cartoons! Then and only then can we find the identity of the rabbit killer. LAFORGE Aren't you being a little over dramatic about this? DATA Of course not! The bunny murderer is probably a cartoon character I first saw in school. LAFORGE May I ask what school, Holmes? DATA Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary! Now I must beam up to the ship. Unfortunatly, our costumes do not come with communicators. I can use Pierre Lapin's radio. Data runs to Lapin's office and finds the radio. There are pictures of playboy bunnies plastered on the walls of the radio shack. Data, being unable to realize that this may be another bad rabbit joke, ignores the posters and concentrates on beaming back to the ship. When he arrives on the Enterprise, "Holmes" heads straight for the nearest computer console. DATA Computer, show me the entire Warner Bros. catalog of animated films. Maximum possible viewing speed. COMPUTER Working ..... Blrrrrr ....... b'de .... b'de ....b'de.... Thats all Folks! "Holmes" rushes to the transporter room. He beams back to the rabbit ranch, while Picard is talking to Riker. PICARD The disappearances of these rabbits are shocking, number one! It's hare today and gone tomorrow. WORF Another bad rabbit joke! This is getting to be too much even for a Klingon warrior! DATA May I have your attention! I believe I have discovered the identity of of our rabbit killer! RIKER May we safely assume it is not one of us. DATA Yes, and it is also not the butler or the maid! LaForge as Watson comes walking in with a rabbit rancher. LAFORGE Holmes, I've found someone who has heard Remle Dduf speak! ( to rancher ) Go ahead, tell Mr. Holmes. RANCHER Holmes! Are you guys nuts? O.k I once heard Remle Dduf say "Be vewy, vewy qwuiet. I'm hunting wabbits!" DATA Aha! That confirms my conclusion! Remle Dduf backwards is Elmer Fudd! RIKER So what! Riker backwards is Rekir! WORF And Worf backwards is Frow! DATA Elmer Fudd was ... or is an animated character who hunted rabbits! He wore an old hunting outfit and a shotgun. And he pronounced his r's as w's! PICARD Hmmm. ( clearing his throat , about to interrupt Data ) LAFORGE ( to Picard ) Don't stop him now, he's on a roll. DATA And I believe I have the answer to all our problems. WORF You're going to put an end to all these bad rabbit jokes? Dramatic music. Fade and cut to commercial. Star Trek: the Next Generation part 4, "Night of the Lepus" On Lepus 2, Data as Holmes has some important insights on their problems, if anyone will listen to him. PICARD Holmes .... er ... Data. What can we do to stop Remle Dduf or Elmer Fudd? How do we stop a rabbit hunter? With a nasty rabbit? DATA Precisely! We must find Bugs Bunny! He is Elmer Fudd's nemesis! Bugs may be difficult to find, though. He is not life as we know it. WES Then he must be life as we do not know it! Groans from the rest of the away team. PICARD So! Both Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny are animated characters. Or as Troi put it "2 Dimensional". Animated characters won't be easy to pick up with ship's sensors. Well, it's worth a try. Picard to Enterprise. ( as he tweeks the emblem on his uniform ) FLEETWOOD Enterprise here. PICARD Who is this? FLEETWOOD Mick Fleetwood, Extra 2nd class. This is the first time I've had a speaking part. I don't even get to sing in my band! PICARD Er, yes. Could you try to adjust ship's sensors to pick up animated cartoon characters. FLEETWOOD That isn't in my contract! If you have any complaints, talk to my agent. PICARD Never mind! Picard out. Well, if we're to find Bugs Bunny, we'll have to do it down here. We need some form of transportation. Pierre Lapin has been listening. Runs up to Picard. LAPIN We have a saddle broken rabbit! You could use the rabbit to patrol and spot Bugs. PICARD An excellant idea! Worf, how would you like to ride a rabbit? WORF May I speak frankly, sir? PICARD Of course. WORF For centuries, humans have used horses for transportation. They were used in battle and used in recreation. The horse is a noble beast. But, ride a bunny rabbit ( with disgust )? A bunny rabbit is soft, furry. A bunny rabbit is cuddly ( with extreme disgust ) and cute! They are too much like tribbles! PICARD You think you've got tribbles? Well, you don't. This "bunny rabbit" weighs a lot more than you do. And those powerful legs could deliver quite a rabbit punch! Worf growls on hearing yet another bad rabbit joke. WORF Very well. If I am to ride this rabbit as a steed I must know its name. LAPIN The rabbit's name is Volkswagen. It must be the only rabbit in the galaxy used for transportation. Worf growls again, after that bad rabbit joke. WORF I will need the proper clothes to ride a rabbit. I need to be insulated from the rabbit's jumps. Pierre Lapin brings a rabbit jockey's outfit, including a helmet, bright padded clothes, goggles and riding crop. Soon after, Worf is dressed as a rabbit jockey. WORF I heard that Earth used to have disc jockeys. They must have been warriors that rode discs. Worf gets into the rabbit's saddle, with much help. WORF How do I get a rabbit to go? LAPIN With horses its giddyup. For rabbits, just yell Dog! WORF Volkswagen! Dog! The rabbit hops away at high speed. Within an hour, Worf encounters a strange looking rabbit. The rabbit is standing upright and is eating a carrot. It is Bugs Bunny! BUGS What's up doc? WORF We've already done that joke! How would you like to stop a rabbit hunter. BUGS Elmer Fudd? WORF Yes. BUGS Sure, doc. I'll ride that rabbit with you. Bugs climbs up on the rabbit. BUGS Must be a Volkswagen rabbit. Very fuel efficient. 20 miles per carrot. Worf gets the rabbit moving again, as they search for Elmer Fudd. Soon, they see a figure in a hunting outfit. BUGS Let me off here, doc. Nows my chance to have some fun with Elmer. WORF My name isn't doc! Bugs jumps off Volkswagen. He goes into a rabbit hole and brings out a device to make artificial rabbit tracks. ( made by Acme ). Bugs starts marking a trail of rabbit tracks. We can now hear Elmer Fudd. ELMER Be vewy, vewy qwuiet! I'm hunting wabbits! Elmer notices the rabbit tracks. ELMER A ha! Wabbit twacks! He follows the rabbit tracks. The rabbit tracks turn into railroad tracks. ELMER A ha! Twain twacks! As he says this, a speeding train comes through, right over Elmer. Elmer looks beat up, but still in one piece. Bugs is nearby, chewing on a carrot. BUGS Eh, what's up doc? ELMER So you're wesponsible, you scwewey wabbit! Elmer chases after Bugs. Bugs dives in a rabbit hole. Elmer points a gun down the rabbit hole. As he does this, Bugs bends the gun barrel with a wrench so that it comes up out of another hole behind Elmer. The gun is now aimed at Elmer's butt. ELMER Say your pwayers, wabbit! As Elmer shoots the gun, it hits him in the rear, forcing him up off the ground. A frustrated Elmer fires his gun many times. This time the force is enough to fling Elmer Fudd off the planet. Worf has been watching all this time. WORF ( to Bugs ) You are indeed a fierce warrior! Bugs now walks off into the sunset. Worf rides Volkswagen back to the rabbit ranch. WORF Captain, Elmer Fudd is off the planet! The wabbits .... er ... the rabbits are now safe! LAPIN Not quite! We still have the sheep to worry about. PICARD Picard to Enterprise. FLEETWOOD Enterprise here. Mick Fleetwood, Extra 2nd Class, acting commander. PICARD Oh no! You again! Could you have the ship's sensors scan for sheep on the planet's surface? FLEETWOOD I could try.... but it took me an hour just to figure out how work the coffee maker on this ship! Uh oh.... There's another vessel coming into orbit. It looks like a Ferrengi vessel. PICARD This does not look good. POLASKI Captain! I've discovered the cause of your bad rabbit jokes. Somehow, you've been infected with a Ferrengi virus known as Lepus Malhumorous. Fortunately there is a cure. She gives Picard an injection. Suddenly, 3 Ferrengi materialize on the planet's surface. One of them steps forward. BOK Ah Picard, we meet again. I am Daimon Bok of H & R Bok, a famous Ferrengi tax service firm. We have business to discuss, Picard. PICARD What business brings you here? BOK This colony has been using Ferrengi property for some time. We have come to collect the rent! DATA What property? The Ferrengi have no claims on Lepus 2. Besides, it is you who should owe us something. You brought a hunter here to wipe out the rabbits. PICARD And you had me infected with a deadly disease! BOK The property of which I speak are sheep from the planet Anthrax. I believe it comes to a comsiderable sum, counting interstellar transport of the sheep. RIKER Let me get this straight. You want us to pay YOU for sheep that destroy pasture land? Are you nuts!? BOK This is standard Ferrengi business practice. But you have been exposed to Ferrengi products and quality before. Products were sold on your late 20th century Earth that were Ferrengi made! Such as the Amazing Within in Eggshell Egg Scrambler or Fishin' Magician or Lake Erie Bottled Sludge! And surely you must of heard of Top 40 Hits by the Original Sound Effects: Don't Confuse This with Other Sound Alike Albums. DATA I believe those were products made by the late 20th century firms K-Tel and Popeil. Apparently the Ferrengi were responsible for many bad products on 20th century Earth. Worf and his rabbit slowly sneak up behind the Ferrengi. Bok turns around and is startled. BOK I Thought you had little rabbits, but this one is huge! Our intelligence must have been faulty. WORF Appearantly Ferrengi intelligence is a contradiction of terms. Volkswagen here is a killer rabbit! If you don't leave now, this rabbit will gnaw you to death! BOK We are leaving. Beam me up! .... The Ferrengi beam back to their ship. PICARD Picard to Enterprise. FLEETWOOD Fleetwood here. PICARD Lock on to all the sheep and beam them aboard the Ferrengi vessel. FLEETWOOD That sounds like a fun thing to do. But hasn't this been done before? He beams the sheep aboard Bok's ship. RIKER Well, I think the Ferrengi will be a bit more sheepish from now on! PICARD That was very bad, Number 1. I would have said they were on the lam. RIKER Well, I get to have some fun too! Run closing credits, ending with " That's all Folks!