PREFACE: This script has basically one purpose: To eliminate
Deanna Troi!!! Believe me, I know I speak for millions when I say that
her character deserves to bite the biggie. Well, I may not REALLY be;
but at least I'm overconfident enough to say it.
BRIEF PLOT SYNOPSIS: Deanna bites the biggie. One of a miasma of
colonized, unvisited-for-a-while, plot-infested planets is reviewed by
the crew for the Feds. Their investigations are routine and normal,
except that their inhabitants have a disease which their immune system
has adjusted to somewhat. It's the planetary version of our common
cold; a disease which is not fatal, but has no cure. Deanna lays hands
on a kid that she feels sorry for, and absorbs the disease from the kid,
but has infected herself! Her immune system is no match for these
bacteria, and if not for Crusher, she'd really have gotten her lines cut
short. As it is, she lives; but... (read on!)
SCENE: The Bridge. It's the usual beginning-of-the-show, zoom in from
the upper left to the captain shot; everyone's on the bridge in
their usual places just having a grand ol' time running the ship
like they always do.
Captain Picard: "Captain's log, Stardate 34871.4: I hate these logs.
They're so drol. Just once I'd like to sing an old song for one...
wouldn't Starfleet love THAT, huh? Oh, well. Anyways, we're
approaching the second planet in the Hydra-L4 system. 208 years
ago it was colonized by citizens from earth, and hasn't been
checked on lately. 7 members of the crew will represent the
Federation and beam down to check up on things. Appears pretty
routine."
"I hate saying that phrase. 'Appears pretty routine' always
demonstrates otherwise."
Data: "Approaching planet Nosedirt, Captain."
Picard: "Nosedirt. NOSEDIRT. Couldn't they think of anything better
to call it?" (Almost looks at the camera while saying this, but
deftly avoids direct eye contact at the last moment) "Yar, notify
them of our arrival."
Yar: "Yes, Captain."
Riker: "Looks pretty quiet, Captain..."
Picard: "Yes, that's true -- but I have yet to figure out how a planet
looks noisy."
Riker: (Looks just left of camera, raises and eyebrow or two, shoves
out his jaw, and nods in that "Yup, just can't dispute that kind of
logic..." kind of way)
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Picard: "I wonder..."
Riker: "...about what?"
Picard: "Well, Number One, I had once met a man on this planet. An
older man, must have been well over a hundred years old. To most
he would appear an insane old man -- his house is a cave; when he
speaks, he speaks in riddles -- but that old man won't leave my
mind. The vision of him in torn shreds of clothes, sitting in
front of a fire illuminating a dark cave, with hardly a posession
or worry in the universe... it follows me everywhere, Number One.
I must try to find that man."
Riker: "Hmm... you remind me of a man I once knew on
Earth. He also spoke in riddles... I would ask him about love,
and he would bring up some analogy of diving in a lake. It didn't
make sense to me then, and only begins to make some sense now..."
Picard: "I understand what you mean, but the man I speak of... well,
his speech is... ... um ...
different from what you're talking about. Hopefully, you will see
for yourself when we arrive."
(Riker is a little puzzled, but nonetheless looks steadfastly forward
with The Captain at the viewer's dazzling, colourful, and
crystal-clear 10-foot high display of a planet looking much like
hundreds of other planets they've seen on their voyages.)
Picard: (A little awe-struck) "...what a glorious view... Ahwell. Viewscreen off." (I
said a little, didn't I?)
Troi:
"Pain! Pain, Captain!"
"Pain! Pain and suffering! Oh, PAIN!!!"
Picard: "What IS it
["this time"], Deanna?!?"
Troi: "Oh, it's PAIN,
Captain! Pain!" "Pain! Pain and
anguish! PAIN!!!"
Riker: "Captain, isn't there something we can do about this?"
Picard: "I'm afraid not, Number One. Her contract won't expire for
many years yet."
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SCENE: Sick Bay. The Crushers are there; Wesley is reading something
on a terminal while momma's doing something important.
Wesley: "Hey mom, this magazine has an article about the Ferengi in
it!"
Beverly: "That's nice,
Wesley."
Wesley: "This is really fascinating. I've never seen one before! I
never knew they looked..." looked ... like ...
like ... this!"
Beverly: "That's nice dear. I'll read it sometime if I get the
chance."
Wesley: "Yes ... Um, well, I'm going to my cabin to read the rest of
this fascinating article. See you later."
Beverly: "You can read it here if you want to, Wesley..." "... oh."
SCENE: Transporter room. Seven crew members are preparing to beam
down: Captain Picard, Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Data, Bev Crusher,
Meteorologist Jimmy "Extra" Fallopius, and Scatologist Fred "Extra"
Dolt. They assemble on the transporter stage.
Picard: "Energize, Twit."
Transporting Officer Eldridge Twit: doesn't do anything.
Picard: "I said, 'Energize'!"
Twit: doesn't.
Picard: "Officer Twit, are you deaf?"
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Twit: "No sir. You just didn't say, 'CAPTAIN SAYS, "Energize"'."
Picard: "What do you mean, you won't energize until I say, 'Captain
says, "energize ...
Twit: hears his cue, and energizes them in the middle of the Captain's
sentence.
Noisy Teleporter Sound Effects: "Wooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"
SCENE: A grassy area, with an obvious surrounding city (i.e., an urban
park). There are only a few people around, mainly spectators
watching certain speakers speaking. If we listen closely, I think
we can hear a few while our characters get adjusted to the scene...
Speaker One: "... because if God had meant us to fly, he would have
given us tickets! I speak the truth! If you believe, if Jesus has
given you the belief of twigs, of gelatin, of mesh patterns, then
hear my words, ..."
Speaker Two: "... Post-its, I tell you! Post-its are the answer to
your every prayer and wish! As it is written in The Bible, 'And
God said, let there be Post-its for every pacified follower of my
disciples and agents, ..."
Yar: "Captain, readings show nothing peculiar. I guess you could say
that everything's ... normal."
Data: "Captain, based on our current surroundings, I'd say that this
civilization is a little behind ours."
Captain: "Hmm. Let's go
find somebody important."
"Hello! I believe you're the Enterprise crew, aren't you? I am
Hortense Asphalt-Smythe, Speaker of the Collective House of
Bunches. I welcome you to our humble planet Nosedirt."
Picard: "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. Starship Enterprise.
Allow me to introduce my crew: Lieutenant Tasha Yar,
Communications Officer, Deanna Troi, Ship's Counselor, Doctor
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Beverly Crusher, Ship's Surgeon, Commander Data, Ship's Navigator,
and Jimmy Fallopius and Fred Dolt, Ship's Extras."
Asphalt: "A pleasure to meet you and your fine crew. I have already
arranged meetings for the rest of your crew while we meet. Dr.
Crusher, our Surgeon General is waiting to take you on a tour
through various local medical facilities. Mr. Data, a group of
technical advisors awaits your arrival. Mr. Fallopius, you will
be strapped to a weather balloon so you can study our weather. Mr.
Dolt, you are free to visit ...
... er, your appropriate areas of interest. Regretably, Ms.
Troi, we had not planned any such meetings for you. Would you like
to accompany one of your crewmates for the day?
Troi: "If it is not too much trouble, I shall accompany Ms. Crusher."
Asphalt: "Then it is settled. Follow me; I shall lead you to your
respective meeting points, and then we shall begin our meeting,
Captain."
Picard: "Thank you, Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. You are most courteous."
Hospital Adminstrator: "... and over here, you'll see another fine
piece of expensive hospital equipment ..."
Troi: "PAIN! AGONY! PAIN! AGONY!
Beverly, this pain and agony is really getting to me. All the pain
and suffering in this place is very taxing. It really is quite a
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draining thing. I really, really, just wish we could help all
these people. I mean, it's a real bummer, ya know?"
Crusher: "I know, Deanna, but I'm sure it won't be much longer. How
many more pieces of equipment could they possibly have afforded?"
Troi: "I see what you mean."
Administrator: "... over a hundred million monets in interest payments
alone! So you can certainly imagine the immense joy I received
when the loan officer told me, 'Jimmy, you know you just can't be
too certain when it comes to melons ..."
Troi: "Excuse me, but what's
wrong with this poor child, who is suffering from so much PAIN!
and AGONY!?"
Administrator: "Geez, I dunno. Let's see ... ... it
seems that the child suffers from asynchronoculacousticosis."
Crusher: "Well ... what's that mean?"
Administrator: "WELL, Dr. Crusher, it's a disease that something akin to
the old-earth common cold: it's non-fatal; in fact, it usually
only lasts for one to two terror filled weeks; but even so ..."
Crusher: "... even so, it doesn't have a
cure. Yes, Administrator, I am familiar with the properties of the
common cold."
Administrator: "Oh ... so you are. Yes, it's been infecting our
people for quite some time. We're not exactly sure what started
it; we've investigated various possibilities for quite some time
with no success. Of course, it would be most helpful to launch a
full-scale, brute force investigation into the matter. However,
our research is severely limited in this area by lack of funding
..."
Crusher: "... Lack of funding?!? But what about all these
unbelievably high-priced machines you've been showing me all day!?"
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Administrator: "Well, of course those machines are needed! Those machines must take
precedence over that research! We're talking about trillions of
monets of machine here, Doctor..."
Crusher: "Deanna! What the hell are you doing!?!"
Crusher: "Deanna! Deanna!!"
Administrator: "Wh - what happened to her?"
Crusher: "I'm about 90% certain I know ..."
Child: "Um ... Hello. I ... feel good. Am I good now, Mr. Doctor?"
Administrator: "Um -- well, let's have a look at
you, uh, Jenny ..."
Crusher: " That's MS. Doctor, Jenny. You're going to be just fine." "That clinches the other 10%. I'd better get you up to
the ship."
SCENE: Transporter room again. Officer Twit and some other extra are
operating the transporter. Crusher and Troi are busy beaming in.
As soon as they have completed their beaming, Crusher rushes off,
dragging an unconscious Troi. She shouts to the crewmen on the way
out,
Crusher: "Call the captain! Tell him that Deanna's life may be in
danger and to meet me in the sick bay!"
Crewmen: "AALLLLL-L-L-L RRRR-I-I-I-IGHT!!!!!!!"
SCENE: Wilderness. Picard and Riker are there, hiking through it.
They are clearing various types of flora out of their way.
Picard: "He lives in a very out of the way place, of course..."
Riker: "You're right... I can't see a convenience store for miles!"
Picard: "I believe it's just ahead..."
Picard: "Hello! Old Man!
Are you here? ... Hello!"
Riker: "Perhaps we should have rung the doorbell..."
Old Man: "...or at least
said, 'Knock-knock'!"
Picard: "Old Man! It is you! After all these years... I have come to
visit you. Do you remember me?"
Old Man: " Well?
C'mon!...?"
Picard:
"I'm sorry?"
Old Man: "I said, you should say, 'Knock-knock'!"
Picard: "Um... alright, 'Knock-knock'."
Old Man: "Who's there."
Picard: "Jean-Luc Picard."
Old Man: "Jean-Luc Picard who?"
Picard: "Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS Starship
Enterprise."
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Old Man: "I don't get it."
Picard: "I don't understand what you're trying to
get."
Old Man: "The punchline! 'Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS Starship
Enterprise.' I didn't think that was very funny."
Picard: "It's not supposed to be funny!"
Old Man: "Ah,
well - no matter. Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Picard: "Old Man, do you remember me? I have come back..."
Old Man: "No, no! 'To get to the other side'! Geez, where've you been
all your life, under a lump of silly putty? You two sit down, I'm
going to tell you a great joke!" "OK. There's this woman, y'see, and she goes
to a pet store to buy a pet, of course. And she asks the pet store
owner, 'Whaddya got?' And he says, 'Well, you might be interested
in this bird. It's called a Crunchbird...'"
Riker: "...I've heard that one. 'Crunchbird my ass.'"
Old Man: "Smartass." "Alright then,
here's another one. A Venusian prostitute is being hired by this
navigator, see? And he asks her, "How much for a night?" And she
says, "Twenty denarios, but you have to put the money in a sock and
give it to me that way." Well, the navigator is a little confused,
but he really wants the prostitute, so he gives her the money like
she requests. He takes her to his ship, but it's made of
RUBBER BALLS. She looks at the ship in kind of a
strange way, but she'll put up with some strange things to make a
few denarios. So they go into the ship and into his bedroom, and
his whole bedroom is shaped like a breast! It has a dome ceiling,
with a big nipple at the top! Ha ha... so anyways, she undresses
and so does he, and they get into bed, and have a really good time.
But later in the evening, she gets up, and stares at the nipple in
the ceiling. He wakes up to notice her starting and says, "Hey,
why are you looking at that nipple that way?" And
she says, Heh heh... And she says,..."
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Picard: "Picard here."
Old Man: "... No, of course she doesn't say, 'Picard here.' She
says..."
Crusher: "Captain, you'd better get up here. Something's happened to
Deanna."
Picard: "On my way!"
Old Man: "Hey! You can't leave yet! I haven't told you the
punchline!"
Picard: "Mail it to us! This is more important!"
Old Man: "Oh, bother! It seems like no one ever stays around. I
wonder if it was my breath again?" "They wouldn't
have gotten it, anyways."
SCENE: The sick bay. Deanna is lying oh-so-daintily on a bed, and
Crusher is waving various instruments over her. Picard and Riker
rush in.
Picard: "What's wrong, Bev -er, I
mean, Doctor?"
Crusher: "I'm not sure, Jean -er, Captain. She sucked a disease out of
some kid down there, and she's been unconscious ever since. The
disease seems to have a worse effect on her than on the kid,
though."
Picard: "Do you think she'll be alright?"
Crusher: "I really don't know. But it looks bad, darling -er,
Captain."
Picard: "I'll be back."
Riker: "Captain! Where are you going?"
Picard: "I... I'm going to the bathroom, Number One!"
Riker: "But Captain! There are no bathrooms on this ship!"
Picard: "... You're right, Number One!
Come to think of it, I haven't seen a single loo in this place!"
"What am I going to DO?? There's not
even a sink on this stellar frisbee!"
Riker:
SCENE: Bridge. Captain Picard is sitting, but barely -- he can
hardly sit still for a second without squirming around. Riker is
trying very hard not to notice. Finally, Picard slams his hand on
the intercom.
Picard: "Sick Bay! Doctor, how's Deanna?"
Crusher: "Same as she was a minute ago when you asked. I'll let you
know if anything changes."
Picard: "Damn."
Picard's Thoughts: "Deanna... dying... after all this time... could
we finally be rid of her? I thought we'd never get this wish
before the contract expires..."
Riker's Thoughts: "Deanna... my old flame... dying... am I finally
going to get my wish of never having to see her schnozzy face
again?"
Crusher's Thoughts: "Deanna... my friend... am I losing you?"
Data's Thoughts: "1101010001010100100101010100101001... what is
`orgasm'?"
Worf's Thoughts: "Has that big-nosed foreign psycho-bitch kicked yet?
I hope they cremate her."
SCENE: Sick Bay. It is a few hours later, and Deanna has given
most of the medical equipment a major work-out.
Crusher: "Captain, I think she's going to
become conscious soon..."
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Picard: "Deanna? Are you dead yet- er, are
you alright?"
Troi: "Oh... oh...
Captain... pain... a-go-ny..."
Picard and Crusher: "She's OK."
Troi: "... pain... agony..." "Wait! No pain! No agony!
No nothing!" "... I've lost it! Waaaaa-a-a-aahhahahaha..."
Picard and Crusher:
"WHAT have you lost?!???"
Troi: "...I don't know what you're feeling
anymore! I've lost it!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHH!!!!!!"
Picard: "... We've got to get her out of here!"
Crusher: "You're right. Let's discuss it in the
hall."
Picard: "What are we going to do with her?
Crusher: "I don't know! I don't think she's ever going to stop crying.
Maybe she could get a job as a lunch whistle?"
SCENE: A futuristic, yet oddly reminiscent of an older
industrial-type, factory. Picard and Crusher are talking with a
foreman, who is somewhat overweight and brandishes a stupid-looking
normal black moustache.
Page 13
Foreman: "Well, I guess if we put her in the unused anechoic chamber
and open it when lunch comes around... yes, I think that would be
quite suitable."
Picard: "Great. Here." "Sorry, Deanna, but..." "Alright, alright!
Take her away!"
SCENE: Bridge. The camera aims at the main viewer, as the scene
of the planet they were orbiting gets farther and farther away.
Picard: "...and there she goes. Deanna is with us no more. But...
did we do the morally right thing? Did we abandon her after all
she has done for us? Should we have kept with her, working and
straining to make her what she was? Did we give up and prematurely
ejaculate the hope that she could have gotten better; that her
condition could have improved; that she might have recovered
eventually to the person that she once was? Did we do the right
thing?"
Riker: "... ... ... ... Captain, her cleavage was driving me up the
wall."
Yar: "And all that `Pain' and `Agony' stuff! GIVE ME A BREAK!"
Data: "I agree with Lt. Yar, sir. Her responses were most
unfathomable, and didn't seem to benefit us in any way."
LaForge: "Captain, you probably just put her to her best use so far."
Worf: "Captain, she smelled bad."
Picard: "Yeah, you're right. She did smell
funny. Take us out of here, Mr. LaForge - warp 2. Engage."
Epilogue: "Captain's Log, stardate 34943.6: 'Cause everybody
knows, she's a Femme Fetale, the things she does to ple-ease! Oh,
she's just a little te-ease! When you see the way she walks...
and hear the way she talks..."
