Item #7 The Star Trek Item. Mr. Spock took out his tricorder and took a reading. Mr. Spock

Item #7 The Star Trek Item. <<7:1>> <<7:2>> <<7:3>> <<7:4>> <<7:5>> <<7:6>> <<7:7>> hinkmond Tue Jun 5 15:47:34 1990 Mr. Spock took out his tricorder and took a reading. Mr. Spock: "Fascinating. Everything here has been obliterated, Captain. Very strange." Captain Kirk: "Spock! What in the world could have caused so much destruction?" Mr. Spock: "I don't know, Jim." Dr. McCoy: "Jim, it's damn peculiar. Item 7 is dead!" <<7:8>> scottm Wed Jun 6 09:13:17 1990 Spock: "The body is still warm, Jim. Perhaps a Vulcan Mind-Weld....." Kirk: "Fine, Spock. But I don't like the idea of reviving this particular victim. It wasn't very healthy, even when it was alive." Bones: "Jim, Spock's right. It's important to our mission that we find out exactly what happened. Besides, I think we might get in a few good gags, and even a bridge lurch or two." Kirk: "O.K., if you think it will help the ratings. Go ahead, Spock." <<7:9>> hinkmond Wed Jun 6 17:38:44 1990 Mr. Spock: "My mind... to your mind.... My thoughts to your thoughts... Our minds... are one..." Item #7/Mr. Spock: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Pain!!!!!!!!!!! The agony!!!!!! Destruction!!!!!! Killers!!!!!!!" Kirk: "Spock. Spock!! SPOCK!!!! Break off your Mind-Weld!!!!!" Mr. Spock: "....I'm alright now, Captain. I have discovered something interesting. Item #7 is still alive." <<7:10>> hinkmond Thu Jun 21 10:31:36 1990 Kirk: "Incredible, Spock. This thing is still alive. We need some experts down here to study this matter. <*beep*beep*beep*> Scottie." [Scottie]: Kirk: "I need two people down here quick. Beam me down some real experts." [Scottie]: Pat Sajak: Well, Vanna, it looks like we're going to have a great show tonight. Let's see who our contestants are. Vanna: Okay, Pat. Well, tonight we have a captain of a Federation starshi... Kirk: Wait a minute!!!! Spock, what's going on???? Mr. Spock: I believe there has been some crossover energy in transporter's flux transponders. Dr. McCoy: It's not that! Good God! Don't you see!!!! Kirk: Yes... now, I understand what happened <*beep*beep*beep*> My God, Scottie!!!! I said send down some real experts, not WHEEL experts!!!!! Pat Sajak: Gee, it looks like we have some real live ones tonight. Vanna: Yeah. And real weird, too. Look at that guy's ears... <<7:11>> scottm Mon Jun 25 16:54:19 1990 Kirk: Wht r y dng hr? Wh r y? Pat Sajak: I'm not sure I understand you, sir. Would you like to buy a vowel? Bones: Spock, the captain has turned into a blithering idiot. What's happened to him? Spock: Don't you see, Dr. McCoy. It's that incredibly made-up dizzy-headed earth woman Scottie beamed down. The captain has lost his ability to command. Bones: That's mutiny, Spock! How can you do that to your friend! Spock: One episode at a time, Doctor. Right now, we must get the captain away from her. [Into communicator] Mr. Scott, beam the captain back to the ship immediately. I will deal with the earth woman myself. <<7:12>> scottm Wed Jul 11 13:31:38 1990 Kirk: Spock! Are you there, Spock! Spock: Right here captain. Lower your voice! Kirk: I was worried. I thought we had been canceled; it's been so long since the last episode. Spock: Well, our ratings have been really poor. Bones: Maybe if Chekov and Sulu were here, captain. Kirk: Right! [Into his communicator] Scotty, beam Chekov and Sulu down IMMEDIATELY. Scotty: Aye, right away sir! [Moments later, they appear. Chekov is naked, wet, and soapy, and Sulu is dressed in a lady's dress from Antares 5.] Chekov: [Singing unintelligibly in Russian] Aaslkdfj aoispu sadfj adki esdkfj ....... Wait, wha -- What's going on here! I was in the shower! And who is this lady in the ... Sulu!!! Sulu: I, uh, uh, ..... Captain, permission to be dismissed please. Kirk: Both of you are staying right here until I get some answers. I want to know why the ratings are down. OK, everybody, start taking tricorder readings! <<7:13>> hinkmond Thu Jul 12 13:34:33 1990 Spock: Captain. Tricorder readings indicate an alien life form over that ridge. Kirk: Chekov. Sulu. Go check that out. And, for God's sake, get some clothes on, Chekov. And you Mr. Sulu. Wipe that lipstick off your face, immediately. [Chekov and Sulu start walking off toward the ridge] McCoy: They make the damnedest couple, together! Don't they, Jim? Kirk: Sometimes I wonder what the effects of long term space travel have on the human brain. [Over the ridge Chekov and Sulu spot something frightening] Chekov: Look! Vat ees dat? Sulu: I don't know. But, these high heels are killing me! [Loud voice]: Yo, space-dudes! What's goin' on? Sulu: This can't be! Chekov: Eet ees! Eet ees! Eet's a giant likeness of Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson: Wow, man! Like, cowabunga! Sulu: I thought he was on a different network. Chekov: Dere must be a malvunction in dee transporter room again. Bart Simpson: Eat my shorts! <<7:14>> hinkmond Fri Jul 27 13:35:15 1990 [Bart Simpson disappears in a cloud of greasy black smoke] Chekov: Incredible! Dat ting has disappeared in a cloud of greasy black smoke! Vat kind of cossack could do such a ting. Sulu: I don't know, and I don't want to find out. Chekov: Yes. Let's get out of here. [Chekov and Sulu dash back to the Captain] Dr. McCoy: Jim. Here come Sulu and Chekov dashing back here. Kirk: Sulu. Chekov. What do you have to report? Sulu: Report? I'll tell you what we have to report... [Music starts up in the background] Sulu and Chekov [singing to the tune of "Summer Nights"]: Sulu: Planet hoppin'. Happened so fa-a-ast. Chekov: Planet hoppin'. Tought it vould la-a-ast. Sulu: Met a cartoon big as can be-e-e. Chekov: He vas big, big as a tree-e-e. Sulu & Chekov: Oh-oh-oh. Planet hoppin'. It's outta sight. But uh, oh how those Klingons can fight. Kirk, McCoy & Spock: Oh, well-a-well-a-well. Tell me more. Tell me more. Kirk: Like were your phasers in range. Uhura, Yoeman Rand, Nure Chapel: Tell me more. Tell me more. Uhura: Like did he talk kinda strange. Everyone: Shuda-bop-bop Shuda-bop-bop Shuda-bop-bop. Yeah! <<7:15>> scottm Fri Jul 27 16:41:30 1990 Bones: Spock! What has happened to the crew! Spock: Brunhilde radiation, Doctor. The core of this planet is reaching a critical state. We must get out of here. Scotty: Planet hoppin', went for a whirl. Kirk: Planet hoppin, had me a gir-r-r-l. Scotty: Hammer-down, we went warp nine! Kirk: She was green, made me feel fine! Everyone: Oh-oh-oh -- Planet hoppin', stayed out all night (Oh!) But aaaaahhhhhh, those Klingons can faaaaayyyyyyeeeeT! Wellllll-ahhhhh-wellll-ahhhhh-WELLLLLLLLL! Bones: Spock! Do something! Spock: [Into communicator] Lieutenant Kyle, beam us all up NOW. [Kyle]: [Right away, Mr. Spock.] Bones: [As the transporter activates] I hate this damn thing! Molecules scattered across the damn univer......... <<7:16>> scottm Wed Aug 1 15:19:36 1990 [Kirk singing on the bridge of the Enterprise.....] All the sounds of the bridge are like music. All the sounds of the bridge are like music. The crew is all busy, the ship's at warp 3, And a little white pulsar is winking at me. Chorus: Oh what a beautiful starship, Oh what a beautiful babe. I've got a beautiful feeling Everything's going my way. There's a bright golden blaze on the Klingons. There's a bright golden blaze on the Klingons. Their ship is in flames and their engines are dead And the alien we found waits for me in my bed! (Chorus) Mr. Sulu sets course for Triskelion. Mr. Sulu sets course for Triskelion. Spock tells him we've already been there before, But Sulu says we've got to even the score! (Chorus) <<7:17>> scottm Wed Aug 1 15:57:31 1990 [Scotty takes over.....] Ah, th' engines 'r purrin' like kittens. Ah, th' engines 'r purrin' like kittens. Th' phasers 'r charged an' th' ready lights glow, An' th' photon torpedos 'r ready to go. (Chorus) [Spock chimes in.....] The transporter is 100% functional. The transporter is 100% functional. The problem is fixed, it is quite plain to see, And I've cross-circuited from A over to B. (Chorus) [Now, Bones steps to the front.....] I'm a doctor, I'm not a mechanic. I'm a doctor, I'm not a mechanic. I've got tubes of colored gel next to the door, But I really have no idea what they are for. (Chorus) [Finally, everybody sings together.....] We're seeking new civilizations. We're seeking new civilizations. New worlds and new peoples are what we adore, Boldly going where no man has gone before! (Chorus) <<7:18>> hinkmond Tue Sep 4 15:56:30 1990 Kirk: Stardate 240439.7. As we continue our voyage "where no man has gone before", I realize that we may be losing our minds. I have recently had delusions that our entire ship has been on the "Wheel of Fortune", "The Simpsons", and several Broadway musicals. Others on the ship have had the same hallucinations. Could this be some type of group hypnosis caused by a diabolical Klingon plot, or could this be the work of of a renegade Vulcan using the mind meld technique from a dist... Sulu: ...Bridge to Captain Kirk. Kirk: Kirk here. Sulu: Captain, we are picking an unknown object heading toward our ship. Kirk: I'll be right there. [On the bridge] Kirk: Report, Mr. Spock. Spock: There is an alien vessel approaching our ship. Bearing 223 mark 7. Speed Warp 8. It's markings are unkown. It is armed with... [*EXPLOSION* Bridge lurch (right). Bridge lurch (left).] (Red Alert! Red Alert!) Kirk: Lock on phasers!!! Sulu, turn us around and get a lock on him!!! Chekov, load the photon torp... [*EXPLOSION*] Spock: Number 10 shield is down, Captain. Engineering reports damage to the warp drive. Kirk: Who ARE they? Uhura, get Starfleet on the screen! Sulu, I said, "TURN US AROUND!!!" Sulu: Captain, the conn is not responding. I have a total circuit failure! Uhura: Captain, Starfleet does not answer our message! Kirk: What's going on here? Who are these aliens??? What do they... [*EXPLOSION* *EXPLOSION* *EXPLOSION*] [Emergency lighting comes on. The bridge is in shambles. Dust and smoke fill the dimly lit air] Kirk: *cough* *cough* Re... Rep *cough* Report, Mr. Spock. Spock: [slowly gets up off the floor and looks into his scanner] The Enterprise is completely disabled, Captain. We have no power, and our life support system is on minimum. [A voice comes over the loudspeaker system] {Voice}: Ahhhhhhhhh! Captain Kirk. How wonderful it is to see you like this. PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!! <<7:19>> donb Tue Sep 4 16:36:25 1990 Kirk2: Stardate 2.7182818. As we continue our Politically Correct voyage "Where No Person has Gone Before and Will Go in Such a Way as to Offend No Minority, Exploit No Native and Pillage No Star System", I realized that some sort of energy field was allowing me to se into an alternate universe. There, a scantily clad blonde woman (read alert: sexism, sexism!) was turning over letters of the alphabet for hydrocephalitic idiots. And to my dismay, I see a mirror image of myself leering at her bountiful blouse! Spock: Captain, something strange is going on. I beli (silence) <<7:20>> scottm Wed Sep 5 10:08:26 1990 Spock: (cont.) ...eve that we are in deep trouble. The ship is almost completely disabled. [Kirk looks completely spaced-out, his gaze transfixed on his thumbnail. He starts to drool.] Sulu: Mr. Spock! What's happened to the captain? Spock: I'm not sure, but there's no time now. [Into intercom] Security to the bridge! [To Uhura] Lieutenant Uhura, see if you can get me a visual on that ship. And stop singing that reggae music! Uhura: Uh, um, right away, sir! [A visual appears on the screen of an all to familiar face, seated in a plush chair of Corinthian leather.] Khan: Ah, Mr. Spock. How good to see you again. Spock: What do you want? Khan: Your captain is all that interests me. He is MINE! [Kirk is starting to mumble slowly "... a whole universe, right inside my thumbnail ... a male-dominated, chauvinistic universe -- something must be done ... lock on phasers ..."] Spock: What have you done to him? Khan: He is beginning to live his worst nightmare -- I am dominating his mind, turning him from the male hero he was into a simpering, politically correct wimp. Spock: [Aside to Uhura] Get Dr. McCoy up here at once. [To Khan] We are prepared to negotiate the exchange of our captain for the freedom of the Enterprise. Scotty: Are you mad?!? Spock: Mr. Scott, ratings are as important as antimatter to the life of this ship. I cannot allow us to alienate the nerds for whom the Captain is an alter-ego they can never become. This ship and its ratings are more important than the Captain's life. <<7:21>> hinkmond Thu Sep 20 09:30:38 1990 [Captain Kirk suddenly snaps out of his stupor] Kirk: All right, Khan! I've broken your mind control on me. I've got my senses back, and now I will deal with you on equal grounds. Khan: Ah, Captain Kirk. Well done. But if I don't have control of your mind, I can still take control of another. [Alarming music] Spock: Arrrrrrgh! [Spock clutches his forehead with both hands and grimaces in pain] Spock: [Drooling] I must kill Kirk. I must kill Kirk. I must KILL KIRK!!!! Kirk: Spock. SPOCK! SPOCK!!! What are you doing??? [Spock slowly walks toward Captain Kirk, with both arms outstretched and a glazed look in his eyes] [Spooky music] [Uhura screams with a clenched fist covering her mouth] Uhura: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Scotty: I can't let you do this, Mr. Spock! [Scotty flings himself at Mr. Spock, but is immediately thrown backward with a swift motion of Mr. Spock's arm] Chekov: Meestur Spock!!! Stope eet!!! [Chekov runs up to Spock and tries a headlock from behind him. Spock reaches behind him, bends forward and flips Chekov over his head] Spock: I must kill Kirk. [Fade to black. Commercial.] <<7:22>> scottm Thu Sep 20 10:09:47 1990 Announcer: Hey there, fellow Trekkies! Now instead of just watching Captain Kirk and his good buddies wreak havoc in the universe, you can join 'em! [Two little kids dressed in Star Trek uniforms are running around pointing phasers at each other and firing. They miss each other, but nearby objects such as chairs, kitchen appliances, and the family dog glow momentarily and then disappear. A gaping hole can be seen in the side of a nearby house with distinct phaser-burns around the edge.] Announcer: That's right, kids -- Phasers, the real thing! Kid #1: I've got you now, you Denubian slime-devil! Kid #2: No way, Klingon dog! Announcer: Yes, you'll have hours of fun with these babies. Order yours TODAY! [Message at bottom of screen: Batteries not included.] <<7:23>> scottm Tue Sep 25 13:53:35 1990 [Two red-shirts appear on the bridge.] Kirk: Quick! Phasers on kill -- stop Spock! [The red-shirts look at each other, then at Kirk.] Red-shirt #1: Sir? That's the first officer. Kirk: DON'T tell me WHO he is, just FOLLOW my ORDERS!. Spock: Doesn't anybody UNDERSTAND! That's NOT the CAPTAIN! I MUST KILL HIM!!! Kirk: Doesn't anybody SEE? Spock has gone MAD! You MUST KILL him!!! [The two red-shirts look at each other and nod.] Red-shirts: Standing order #4 -- right! [One red-shirt shoots Kirk; the other shoots Spock. Both are stunned and unconscious.] Chekov: Holee smokes! Thee coptain and Meestur Spock -- what do we do? Scotty: Aye, wee'll just wait and see, lad. Put them both in the brig! Uhura -- screen off. Let's see how our friend likes that! Uhura: Yes Mr. Scott. Mr. Scott -- I'm picking up a strange signal from -- from inside the ship! <<7:24>> hinkmond Wed Sep 26 09:08:40 1990 Scotty: Well, what is it, lass? Uhura: It seems to be some type of morse code. The transmission reads: D-E-P-L-A-N-E D-E-P-L-A-N-E B-O-S-S D-E-P-L-A-N-E. Security: [Intercom beeps] Scotty: Bring him to the bridge. [Security walks onto the bridge. Two men drag in Herve Villachez or better known as Tattoo from Fantasy Island.] Tattoo: Ahhand me yoo dahgs. Dew yoo know oo I um? Security: We found him transmitting from a broom closet with this. [One security guard holds up a Radio Shack Realistic Walkie Talkie. The kind with the morse code bar on the bottom and the morse code table printed right on top.] Tattoo: Lut me gew, yoo fewl! Bawth! Bawth! Help me, Bawth! Khan: [On the view screen] All right, Mr. Scott. You found my spy. Now, let him go. Tattoo: [To the screen] Bawth! Bawth! De plane, Bawth! De plane, de plane! Scotty: What type of drunken drivel is that, lad? Khan: That's no drunken drivel, my dear Mr. Scott. That's a secret code that means the plane load of tourist has landed on ... Fantansy Island. <<7:25>> hinkmond Fri Oct 12 17:24:24 1990 Mr. Rork: Welcome! Welcome, everyone to Fantasy Island. Uhura: Captain! Where are we??? Kirk: I don't know! Spock, what's happening? Spock: It seems that Khan has transported the entire bridge from the Enterprise into another parrallel universe. We seem to have materialized in another dimension of time and space. I believe the gentleman who looks like Khan calls this place... Fantasy Island. Tattoo: Dat's rite. Yoo ur ull an dee Funtazee Aylend... whar ull yoor funtazee weel com troo. Mr. Rork: Yes. All your fantasies will come true. Including you Captain Kirk, Mr. Scott, Lt. Uhura, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Checkov, Dr. McCoy, Yoeman Rand, Nurse Chapel, and... Mr. Spock. Kirk: We don't want our fantasies to come true! I order you to beam all of us back to the bridge of the USS Enterprise... NOW!!! Dr. McCoy: Hold on here, Jim. We might have a good thing going on here. I knew these two young women on Rigel 7, whom I've been thinking of, ever since we left that star system... Mr. Scott: Aye... and I've been meaning to take some R and R lately. I could use a stiff belt of fantasy to... Kirk: Stop it! All of you! I want no more talk of this!!! Khan, I want all of this to stop right now! Mr. Rork: I am not Khan, Captain. My name is Mr. Rork, and I am your guide here on... Fantasy Island. [Theme music starts up in the background] Mr. Rork: Now, let's all make a toast. May are your fantasies come true. <<7:26>> scottm Thu Oct 18 10:37:00 1990 Tattoo: Hey bosz! Bosz! Whaz dat boat comin' into ze harbor? Mr. Roark: Why, Tattoo, calm down. It's only the Love Boat. Tattoo: Whaz dat ting doin' here! Dis is OUR show! Mr. Roark: But Tattoo, come now. Our dear Captain Kirk's fantasy is to be the captain of the Love Boat. Tattoo: Iz he crazy? What about Captain Stuebing? Heez not gonna like dis. Mr. Roark: But Tattoo, Captain Stuebing wants to be the captain of the Enterprise. Spock: Yes, and I should like to be Gopher. Uhura: Oh please, Mr. Roark, could I be Julie? I would just LOVE to be Julie..... Bones: Well, I've always thought it would be nice to be Doc. I'll have to brush up on my gynecology..... Scotty: Aye, and I've always thought that Isaac had a nice time of it, mixin' drinks and nippin' scotch. Yeoman Rand: Captain Kirk has always been like a father to me -- could I be Vicki? Mr. Roark: Of course, of course, everyone can be what they want to be. This is Fantasy Island! [Syrupy theme music as the crew of the Enterprise becomes the crew of the Love boat. They walk up the ramp to the deck and then turn and wave.] Tattoo: Bosz, is dis their fantazee? Mr. Roark: Yes, Tattoo. But what they don't know is that Captain Kirk's nemesis, Khan, will be at sea waiting for him. Captain Kirk must face a test of his true self. <<7:27>> hinkmond Sat Jan 5 12:04:57 1991 Dr. McCoy: I think he's coming out of it now. Captain Kirk: Ohhhhhh... my aching head. Nurse Chapel: Take it easy now, Captain. You're coming out of being stunned by a phaser blast. Captain Kirk: Uhhhh... I had the most incredible dream. I was on Fantasy Island and... Dr. McCoy: Try not to talk, Jim. Just relax and take deep breaths. Scotty: Dr. McCoy: He'll be fine. He just needs a little rest. Scotty: Dr. McCoy: Will do, Scotty. [To Nurse Chapel] Go get another cold compress for the Captain's forehead, will you? Nurse Chapel: Yes, Doctor. Dr. McCoy: [Talking to himself] Now, to inject the Captain with this serum which will keep him under sedation for twenty-four hours. [Dr. injects the Captain with a shot in the arm] Yes! In just twenty-four hours... I will have control of the Starship Enterprise! [Very freaky music] <<7:28>> hinkmond Fri May 31 08:59:10 1991 Dr. McCoy: I'm a doctor, damnit--not a traitor. What am I *doing*? I've got to get a hold on myself. I can't take over the Enterprise! It must be this medication I've been taking that's making me delusional. Nurse Chapel: Doctor, did you say something. Dr. McCoy: No, I'm just talking to myself. Get me some more crack. I'm coming down pretty hard now. Nurse Chapel: Doctor, are you alright???? Dr. McCoy: Just do what I say!!! Get me some speed, some mesc, some heroine, some... some... PreparationH!! Just, get me some drugs. Nurse Chapel: Doctor, I think I better call the bridge. You seem very pale and very upset. Dr. McCoy: I know I seem upset... because I AM UPSET!!! I'm a DOCTOR, DAMNIT, not a damn psychologist!! If you're not going to get me some drugs, I will! [Dr. McCoy rushes to the medicine cabinet and goes through all the bottles] Dr. McCoy: Here at last! [Dr. McCoy opens a bottle of pills and pops several down his throat] Ahhhhh!!! I feel much better, now Nurse. Nurse Chapel: Doctor, you've just swallowed sixteen tablets of Midol. Dr. McCoy: *Argggggggg*!!!!!!! I'm a DOCTOR DAMNIT, not a PMS crazed hormonally inbalanced dame!!!!!! *Ohhhhhhh*!!!!! I'm dying!!! Nurse Chapel: You should've just said no, Doctor. Dr. McCoy: Get me some, steroids!!!! Give, me an enema!!!! I'm dying!!! Somebody, help me!!! <<7:29>> scottm Thu Jun 6 16:20:25 1991 Captain Kirk: [Into the computer console in his private quarters] Personal log, stardate 2513.17. Something is wrong. I can feel it in my bones. Bones senses it too, and he's trying to think things out in the Officer's Chapel. Nurse Chapel is reacting badly to McCoy's drug habit, and I think she's spooked. Spock's performance has been spotty. Scotty's gone lulu. Sulu looks sad, and reports that he has a hangnail. Spock: [Over the intercom] Bridge to Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk: Kirk here. What is it, Spock. Spock: Mr. Scott seems to have discovered the source of our recent difficulties. He's down in engineering. Captain Kirk: I'll meet you in his cubicle in 5 minutes. Spock: Bridge out. [5 minutes later] Captain Kirk: So, what is it, Scotty. Scott: Bad writers, Captain. Aye, engineering's full of 'em. I don't know how they got in here, but we've got ta get 'em out before the ratings drop any further, or we're gonna get cancelled! Spock: Captain, may I suggest layoffs? Captain Kirk: No, Spock. That's too drastic. Scotty, can you flood the engineering spaces with something that will drive them out of here? Scott: Aye, Captain. I've got some of that NonGaseousPollutant we use to clean out the Jefferies tubes. That NGP stuff is pretty powerful; if we manage it just so, it'll drive every one of them outta here, and we'll have the ship to ourselves! Captain Kirk: Well, get to it Scotty. Spock, come with me! <<7:30>> scottm Mon Jun 10 13:30:41 1991 Scott: [On the intercom to the bridge.] Captain Kirk, we've got'a problem down here in Engineering. Kirk: What is it, Scotty? Scott: That NGP is cleaning out the engineering spaces, fast! There's not an engineer left. Kirk: That's great, Scotty. What's the problem? Scott: Well, Captain, we've gotta ha' engineers! I canna keep the ship runnin' without engineers! Kirk: Right. We'll take care of it from up here. Kirk out. Spock: This is a serious problem, Captain. My sensors indicate that without engineers we're going to burn up in the atmosphere in 57.39 hours. Kirk: Dammit, Spock. I need answers, not statistics! [Into the intercom] Bones! McCoy: Sickbay here, Captain. Kirk: Bones, I need you to get down to engineering and talk them out of leaving. McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a manager! Kirk: Well, you're going to be an unemployed doctor if you don't do something fast! McCoy: Alright, Jim, I'll see what I can do. Sickbay out. Kirk: Uhura, see if you can contact the planetary council. Tell them we need engineers up here. Uhura: I've already done that, Captain. They said that Romulan head hunters have already taken away most of the competent engineers on the planet. All they have left is Cobol programmers. Sulu: Captain, two Romulan cruisers closing fast! Looks like trouble; their magnets are at 1.5T! Kirk: [Into intercom] Scotty! I need a strong magnetic field NOW! Scotty: I'm sorry, Captain. The best I can do is .35T, and that won't hold up long. If we lose the warp engines, then the best I can Access is .06T. Kirk: That'll have to do. Chekov, go to red alert! Chekov: Captain, wee don't have a chanz! Deir computer's are too fast for us! Our technology eez too far behind! Spock: I think I can patch our ship's software to give us a chance until Engineer Scott gets those engineers back to work. Kirk: Then do it. Sulu, give me .35T! Chekov, prepare to hit them with every ounce of RF power we've got! [Battle music ensues. There's a loud, hammer-like sound as the Enterprise enters a powerful magnetic field gradient. There's a bridge lurch (first left, then right, then left again), and then the lights go out.] <<7:31>> scottm Mon Sep 16 16:39:59 1991 Kirk: Spock! Spock, where are we? Spock: Checkinnnggg nowwwww, Captainnnnn..... We are precisely 57.29578 light years away from our last known location. This is the Alpha Beti system. Chekov: Captain, sometheeng eez probing the sheep. Kirk: Sulu, go to red alert! Shields at full strength! Sulu: Aye aye, captain. Chekov: Eet's stopped now, Captain. Kirk: Spock -- what was it? Spock: Insufficient data. Kirk: I need ANSWERS, dammit! [Into the intercom] Scotty, something just probed the sheep, er, ship. Do your indicators show anything? Scotty: Aye, Captain. It was like a door opening, and then closing. Kirk: Keep me informed. Kirk out. Spock: Captain, sensors are showing an object approaching us from the fifth planet. It appears to be an old-style airplane. A 747, I believe. The markings are J, A, L. Uhura: Captain, I'm getting an old-style FAX message from that ship out there. It says: "Replacement engineers coming soon. We have much Unix skill and good software experiences." Kirk: Damn! [Into the intercom] Scotty, did you send out for replacement engineers? Scotty: No, Captain, I did-na do any such thing! Sulu: Captain, does this mean we'll have to take time away from running the ship to train them? Chekov: Dey'll bee all over de sheep! Wee're in dip deez time! -- + Hinkmond Wong Internet: hinkmond@igor.tamri.com + + Software Engineer Phone: (415) 872-2722 x3328 + + Toshiba America MRI, Inc. FAX: (415) 875-2915 + + So. San Francisco, CA 94080 +