From: vt102@ac.dal.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Star Trek: The Next Parody
Message-ID: <1992Apr11.175310.4978@ac.dal.ca>
Date: 11 Apr 92 20:53:10 GMT

This is a short script I wrote up a little while ago. The plan is
to actually film it, assuming we can get the use of a friend's
camera. Don't be confused about notes of where certian scenes
are shot, those are for my own reference.


                   Star Trek: The next parody
                        By: Steve Tonner




     (shot of enterprise flying by)
     "Captain's log, stardate 8999.9. the enterprise has found a
planet which is remarkably like old Earth in the 1990's. we are
sending an away team to investigate."

     (Riker, Data, LaForge beam down)
Riker: Data, report.

Data:  This is by all indications earth, commander. It would seem
we are in a coastal city, perhaps a university.

Riker: Keep alert, men. I don't want us being separated. (as this
is said, LaForge is knocked out and kidnapped by token alien)

Data: sir, where has Laforge gone?

Riker: (Looks around) Damn! I'll question this female, maybe she
knows where he is. (Walks offscreen)

Data: (Looks at Riker, then winces. Riker comes flying back on-
screen). Sir, are you all right?

Riker: I think so. That female didn't know where laforge was, so
I just asked her if she can do an Elle Rio impression. I guess
not. (hits communicator) Riker to Enterprise, two to beam up.

(On the bridge)
Picard: Riker, where has Laforge gone?

Riker: I don't know, sir.

Picard: Wesley, can you explain  this?

Wesley: Nnnno, sir, I mean I was only trying my latest
experiment, when...

Picard: Spit it out, you snot! what did you do?

Wesley: Wwwwell, I made this bad alien generator, see. and I
tried it out on the away team. I turned it up, to make an alien
with no morals and who would kill at the drop of a hat. I didn't
think it would do any harm.

Picard: No harm! you fool! without laforge, who will hook up the
playboy channel! (Jumps up and starts choking Wesley.)

Data: Sir, I do not think what you are doing is very considerate.

Picard: Sorry, here. (hands Wes over to Data, who smacks him
across the bridge. Riker and assorted crew get in line behind
him.) I think we should have a search party. (Hits communicator)
All hands, beam down to the planet and start to look for Laforge.

(The crew drop Wesley's body and shuffle out to beam to the
planet.)

     "Captain's log, stardate 10. The enterprise is empty, except
for Wesley's rotting corpse. The rest of the crew is on the
planet, looking for Laforge." (as log plays, shots of people
looking in garbage bins, under papers, any place far too small to
hide a person.)

     Picard and Riker and Data are standing in a group, with two
ensign expendable.

Picard: Where was laforge when he was kidnapped?

Riker: (points.) over there, sir.

Picard: Ensign, examine the site for anything out of the
ordinary.

Ensign 1:Ok. (walks over to the site, and token alien jumps out
and rips his head off)

Picard: Jesus! Good thing I send one of you! (gesturing to other
ensign expendable.)

Data: Sir, we should follow the alien, it may take us to where it
put laforge.

Picard: Make it so. Good luck. (turns to leave.)

Riker: oh, no! you're coming, too! (grabs picard and drags him
after token alien.) Data, and the last ensign follow.

Picard: No! I can't go! I have a job to do! I've got a major head
waxing appointment at nine! (gets dragged off screen)


(Cut to alien, coming around corner, and the others follow him.
As they watch, he beams up someplace)

Picard: Data! where did he go?

Data: sir, sensors show that there is another ship in orbit. It
appears to be deserted.

Picard: suggestions.

Riker: we can beam over to the other ship. It might make sense
that that's where laforge is being held.

Picard: (nods) agreed, number one. (hits communicator) computer,
beam us to other ship in orbit of this planet.)

(on the other ship (THE LSC) Data, Picard, Riker and Ensign #2
appear. (ensign #2 is Rikker)

Riker: lets look around for laforge.

Picard: Data, what do your sensors show?

Data: I am picking up laforge's communicator. it is twenty metres
in this direction. (points, and leads them all to the door of one
of the bigger classrooms.) I believe he is in this room, sir.

Picard: Ensign, check out the room.

Ensign: ummm, ok. (walks into the room, then screams. when the
others run in, there is only his communicator, tricorder, etc.)

Picard: This place isn't safe number one. I'm returning to the
enterprise and leaving you in charge.

Riker: yes, sir (after he beams up) what a boob. Data, let's
check the room, phasers on 'mild tingling sensation'

Data: sir?

Riker: sorry. phasers on kill (as they walk into the room, data
looks at the camera.)

Data: at last! ACTION!

( they walk into the room, and see laforge there listening to a
walkman. they walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder. he sees
them and starts to straighten up)

Riker: laforge, what's wrong with you? why didn't you call for
help?

Laforge: sir, they were playing Public Enemy. I just won't leave
until it's done.

Data: geordi, you can take this sound device with you, back to
the enterprise.

Laforge: oh yeah! ok, let's go! (they all beam back to the
enterprise)

(On the bridge...)

Picard: good to have you back, laforge. (whispers to riker)
commander, dock him the pay for the time he was missing)

Riker :(Nodding) yessir.

Picard: Now, let's find out about that ship. Mr. worf, hail them.

Worf: sir. they are hailing US!


Picard: on screen

Ferengi: you will all die! (slurps) hahahahaha! live long and
cross-dress! (screen goes blank)

Data: sir, the other ship is powering up her weapons and locking
onto us.

Picard: their intentions seem hostile. BRIEFING!

Riker: (looks surprised) NOW?! he's about to kill us!

Picard: save that for the conference, number one (Ship is hit).
Whoa! let's go, Everyone!

(In the briefing room)

Picard: (as the ship shakes) suggestions?

Riker: How about fighting back?!

Picard: that sounds good. vote?

Laforge: sir, this is laforge in engineering! we can't take much
more of this!

Picard: (hits communicator) Laforge, would you like us to raise
shields?

Laforge: (Warp core in background) YES!

Picard: OK.

Worf: How about shooting back? (ship rocks from another hit)

Picard: don't you think that's a little hasty?

Riker: sir, just repeat after me. "you're in charge,number one!"

Picard: (with some trouble) you're in charge, number one?

(Everyone at the table gets excited)

Riker: all right! Worf, kill those space dinks!

Worf: Yes! (does some sort of triumphant gesture)

 (back on the bridge)

Worf: sir, the enemy ship is crippled.

Riker: good. hail them

Onscreen, ferengi appears.
Ferengi: ooooohhhh! you wascawy guys! I surrender!

laforge: you can't surrender! you kidnapped me! you held me
prisoner! we can't let you get away!

Ferengi: but we had that music you liked so much!

laforge: oh, yeah. well, I guess we can let you go...

All bridge crew: NOT!

(shot of the enterprise firing and destroying the ferengi ship.)

Picard: (off in corner) Well, that's that.

Riker: Recommend we go to our next assignment.

Picard: make it so. Ensign, set course for earth.

Ensign: course set, sir.

Picard: enga- (lights go out) number one, what's wrong?

Riker: has anyone seen Wesley?



       Announcer: Next week on star trek, the next generation!

                    The ship needs a new coat of paint!

Picard: number one, look at this wall.

Riker: I know, isn't it terrible?

      All new episode, next week on staar trek, the next
generation!