Star Trek: "Where No Man Has Acted Before"
Captain's Log, Stardate 12345.6. The Enterprise is transporting vital
medical supplies to the planet PMS-4. Dr. McCoy has advised that unless
these supplies are delivered within 24 hours, the entire colony will be
decimated by incredible bitchiness.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, what is our estimated arrival at PMS-4?
Sulu: On our present course, we should reach the planet in 17 hours.
Spock: Captain, my sensors indicate a large energy cloud of unknown
origin directly ahead.
Kirk: Scan it, Mr. Spock.
Spock: Scanning. Sir, it's like
NOTHING WE'VE ENCOUNTERED BEFORE.
Sulu (sotto voice): Not again.
Kirk: Quiet in the bridge! Mr. Spock, I wish we had time
to investigate, but we need to get those medical supplies to
PMS-4. Mr. Sulu, plot a course around that cloud.
Sulu: Course plotted, sir. Sir! the cloud
has changed course! It's moved directly in front of us again.
FX:
Spock: We're being scanned by a powerful beam, Captain.
Kirk: No shit.
: We are the Actons! We have examined
your series and determined that you are of a primitive form of
entertainment. For the sake of the galaxy, you must be
destroyed!
Chekov: Keptin, all controls are... dead.
Kirk : I am James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise
of the United Federa...
Voice : If you're going to try that stupid corbomite
trick again, you can forget it, lard-ass.
Spock: Sir, apparently they have managed to scan the entire ship's log,
including all the old episodes. And if I might
say so, sir, you *are* becoming somewhat chunky.
Kirk: When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, Spock. What I want now
are answers!
Bones: Jim, that beam was felt through the whole ship. Sick bay's full of
crewmen complaining of nausea and disorientation.
Kirk: What are you doing up here, then?
Bones: Are you kidding? They were making me sick. Dammit Jim, I'm a
supporting character, not a doctor.
Kirk: Lt. Uhuru, send a subspace message to Starfleet advising them of
our situation.
Uhuru: Sir, all subspace channels are unavailable.
Kirk: Unavailable?
Uhuru: Yes, sir. Lt. O'Reilly has been tying up all the lines by dialing
those "976" sex-numbers.
FX:
Chekov: Keptin, my readings show thet something jest materialized within
the ship.
Kirk: Where is it Chekov?
Voice from behind: Here, Captain Kirk.
**** Cut to commercial ****
Kirk: Captain's Log, Supplemental. An alien lifeform of extreme power
and a highly developed sense of taste has taken control of the
Enterprise. What does it want? How do I get my ship back?
And am I really putting on too much weight?
Acton: Knock it off with the monologue, Shatner. You're through.
Kirk: Spock. Analysis.
Spock: Fascinating. I took the liberty of scanning our visitor, Captain.
My tricorder shows that the visual centers of his brain are greatly
enlarged. However, the motor centers are almost atrophied.
Bones: What are you getting at, Spock?
Spock: The answer is quite logical, Doctor: the Enterprise has been
taken over by a couch potato.
Acton: Your science officer is correct. My race was once similiar to
yours. But we managed to avoid the television wars that besieged
your planet in your 21st century. We continued to expand our
viewing sophistication to a level unimaginable to your minds. Now,
our demand for quality programming is unlimited.
Kirk: But what do you want with the Enterprise? Surely you know we mean
you no harm. We come in... peace.
Acton: Stop right there! Any
more acting like that, and I will destroy this ship.
Bones: He's not bluffing, Jim.
Kirk: How would you know?
Bones: I may be just a simple country doctor, but I know a thing or two
about the psychology of aliens that I never saw before.
Acton: I'm warning you...
Bones: He's dead, Jim.
**** Cut to commercial ****
: Medical Log. The alien is still in control of the
Enterprise. Captain Kirk has been feeling the
strain of command. As Ship's Medical Officer, I
feel that I must visit him in his cabin. This is a
poor link, but it's all the writer's could come up
with.
Bones: Jim? I brought some Syrian brandy for me and a six-pack of
Molson's for you. Strictly for medical purposes, of course...
Kirk: Ah, I'm busy at the moment, Bones.
Bones: I thought I'd come down here and see how you are.
Kirk (sotto voice): Shhh. Keep quiet, Yeoman. I want you
and Spock in the conference room in ten minutes. Tell Scotty, I
want him there too.
****
Kirk: What was that, Doctor? A vaccine against the space illness
gripping many of the crew?
Bones: No, a vaccine against the space clap that has been gripping Yeoman
Rand.
Spock: Captain, I believe I understand the alien's power source.
Kirk: Let's hear your theory, Spock.
Spock: The Actons appear feed on the energy from entertainment. But their
ability is limited: their long exposure to quality programming has
made them unable to digest silly plots and inane performances.
Kirk: So, if we can overact and manage to throw in lots of stupid plot
twists, we can render our visitor powerless.
Spock: That is essentially correct. For a human, you're less of a dumb
jerk than most of your species.
Kirk: Why thank you, Mr. Spock. Scotty, I need you to rig
up a way of bypassing the bridge controls to the antimatter pods.
Can you do that?
Scotty: Aye, Captain. But why?
Kirk: Because, Mr. Scott, I said to.
Bones: But that could cause an inversion in the dilythium crystals!
Scotty: Awk! That was *my* line, Kelly!
Bones: Dammit, I'm a Canadian, not an actor! I can't be expected to keep
those cue cards straight!
Data: Please continue the petty bickering. I find it most interesting.
Kirk: Get out of my series! Gene! Gene!
Kirk :
Maybe we could find a computer to destroy....
Acton: Too late, Captain. Resistance is useless.
Kirk: Spock! Try the Vulcan mind-meld. We haven't done one of those for
a couple of weeks.
Spock :
I know what you know... I feel what you feel...
Darkness. Sound. Light. Microwave popcorn. Diet Coke.
Oh, the pain. The pain!
Kirk: Spock. Spock! What did you learn?
Spock: I am quite alright, Captain. The Acton's mind is a seething morass
of quality television: Masterpiece Theater, live symphonies,
documentaries on arctic waterfowl. A world without trash sports,
without sitcoms, without game shows. A world without bad acting.
You would not have survived, Doctor.
Bones: Look who's talking, Mr. "In Search Of..."!
Acton: You have one minute before your ship is destroyed. I believe that
those of your race may have some preparations to be made before the
death of this series.
Bones: Damn right. Uhuru, get my agent on the line.
Uhuru: Hey! I ain't your n...
Kirk: Lieutenant, belay that!
My ancestors once recognized the importance and sanctity of life.
In many ways, in many times, people have tried to express the
fundamental quality of freedom. But never has this idea been
better said than in these words:
Chekov : He's goink to read the Constitution ageen.
Kirk :
"We, the *People*, in order to form a more perfect union..."
Acton: No! Stop!
Kirk: "...provide for the common defense, secure the general welfare..."
Acton: Oh please! Somebody make him stop!
Kirk: "...and secure the blessings of *liberty*, to ourselves and our
posterity..."
Acton: gaaackkkk! ahhhrrrggg! phhhhllllggggg! *thud*
Kirk : "...do ordain and establish this
Constitution for the United States of America!"
Bones : He's dead, Jim.
**** Cut to final commercial ****
Bones: What I don't understand, Jim, is how you knew that the Acton
couldn't handle the concept of freedom.
Kirk: An inspired guess, Bones. Why, Mr. Spock. I don't
think we've made fun of you during the entire episode.
Spock: True, Captain. And I find the oversight most refreshing.
Kirk : Why Spock, I think you're getting more typecast all the
time.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, take us to PMS-4. We have a lot of bloating and cramps
to take care of. Ahead Warp Factor 4.
Sulu: Aye sir, Warp Factor 4.
Kirk: Steady as she goes.
Sulu: Aye sir.
Kirk: Straight ahead, Helmsman.
Sulu: Alright already!
**** Roll Credits. ****
