Date: Thu, 16 Jul 92 15:34:04 -0400 Subject: SW vs. ST: The Final Chapter This is how I th

Date: Thu, 16 Jul 92 15:34:04 -0400 From: Harith Jameel Alkhafiz Subject: SW vs. ST: The Final Chapter This is how I think this dispute should be settled... Star Trek vs. Star Wars: Episode IV Time: between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi Place: space (of course) Bridge of the Enterprise Worf: Captain, four large, wedge-shaped ships approaching. Picard: On screen. The screen shows three Star Destroyers and one Super Star Destroyer Picard: Open hailing frequencies. Worf: Now hailing. The screen shows the bridge of the Executor, with Darth Vader Vader: You are in violation of Imperial Space (yeah, right). Prepare to be boarded or destroyed. Troi: I sense...great evil. Worf: They have us in a tractor beam. Picard: Perhaps we can discuss this like civilized beings. Riker: (to Picard) I don't think this is going to work. Vader: No. Picard begins choking and falls over, not breathing Riker: Transporter room, beam the captain directly to sick bay. Worf cut that transmission! Worf: Aye, sir! Riker: Now, we kick some ass! (searches for the biggest butt kickers) Worf, Data, report to transporter room three! Transporter room O'Brien: Yes, sir, the transporters can go through their deflectors, but won't you be wanting to take Dr. Crusher with you? After all, you've only three main officers in the away team. Worf: We won't be needing medical attention. Neither will they. Right, sir? Riker: _Damn_ right! Now, get into an outward firing pattern and get onto the transporter pads. Riker, Worf, and Data all face away from each other with phasers outward Riker: ENERGIZE! Bridge of the Executor Lt. Illdye: Lord Vader, there is an energy anamoly on deck 5600. Two humanoids and a droid emerging. The Lt. chokes and dies Vader: Ensign, send a crack squad of stormtroopers to capture the intruders for interrogation. Ensign Meat: (after talking into the communicator) The stormtroopers are playing "Hit the Barn with a blaster" now, but they'll be there shortly. Ensign chokes and dies Vader: I did not say "shortly". I said "now". Ensign Replacement: Yes, M'lord. Stormtroopers deployed. Deck 5600 Riker: Worf, look! Worf: What?! Riker: Those are the funniest looking suits of armor I've ever seen! Worf: (as blaster fire flies all about Worf, Riker, and Data, not coming close to hitting them) I agree, sir. However, now is the time to kick ass. Riker: Set phasers on "Deep Fat Fry"! Data: Sir, the chances of us defeating 200 armed opponents are- Riker: Data, activate kickass mode! Data: 200 to three odds. That makes it a fair fight. They are going to wish that they had never seen us. Worf: (confused) Sir..? Riker: I had Geordi install that subroutine last week. Now, let's kick ass! Riker, Worf, and Data begin picking stormtroopers off with ease. Worf: This is no fun! (Puts phaser back onto belt and jumps into the fray) Riker: That's a good idea! Melee! Worf, Data, and Riker proceed to punch and kick the stormtroopers, who just keep on coming Bridge of the Executor Vader: What?! No one answers. Vader: Ensign, report! Ensign Soontodie: L-lord, the three u-unarmed intruders have p-pummelled the stormtroopers unconscious. Vader: How many stormtroopers? Ensign: A-a-all of them. Ensign dies. Lt. Silent: Lord Vader, the intruders are headed for that huge pit in the middle of the ship that serves no purpose whatsoever and is poorly lit. Vader: *sigh* I suppose that that's my cue. (turns and leaves) Remaining bridge crew: Whew! Bridge crew chokes and dies. Dimly lit pit Riker: (wiping sweat from brow) Man, that was fun. (finally notices pit) What the hell is this? Data: It appears to be the ideal room in which to kick some ass, sir. Worf: I agree. Riker: Are you sure this is the way to the bridge, Worf? Worf: (pHeavy breathing. Riker: Aw, cool! Pornos! Vader: (stepping from shadows) No, it is your death that awaits you, not visuals of unbridled sex. Wait, you look familiar... Riker: Uncle Anakin?? Vader: Nah, it couldn't be. Vader flicks his wrist and sends Riker into the Bottomless (TM) Pit screaming. Vader: And now, you two whom I sensed to be true butt kickers will die at the hands of the Dark Lord of the Sith. (ignites lightsaber) Worf's eyes light up. Worf: Data, can you make me one of those? Data: Certainly. (makes a lightsaber out of Worf's phaser and some chewing gum using his Macgyver (TM) circuit) Worf: (igniting saber) Cool! Now, you've invoked the Klingon wrath! What follows is a really cool fight scene. Really. Worf's lightsaber is black with a white glow. And there are a lot of special effects. Millions of dollars worth. And morphing. Lots of morphing. Too bad you can't see it. Vader: Can you not see that your fight is futile? You and your friends shall die. Worf: You have no honor. Therefore, you shall fail. Vader: Honor is insignificant next to the power of the Force. Worf: Your Force cannot save you now, ptakh! Vader: Your mother! Worf bellows like an enraged animal and attacks with increased intensity. Vader: (impressed) Impressive. You are a great and worthy warrior. Join me, and we shall enjoy the power of the Dark Side. Worf: True Klingons do not serve dishonorable masters! Vader: (after a moment) Ah! Your thoughts betray you. You enjoy this violence. And...a son. You have a son. Now your thoughts have betrayed him as well. If you won't join the Dark Side, then, perhaps, he will! Worf: (turning his lightsaber off) Is that all you wanted? Hell, why didn't you say so? He's been nothing but a whiney brat since I got him. I'll even throVader: Really? Let's talk... Meanwhile, at the female stormtroopers' locker room Riker: (surrounded by partially or unclothed women) Boy, it sure is lucky that I got sucked through that side tunnel and landed here, isn't it, ladies? Woman holding riding gear: It sure is. Now, get back into the stirrups! Riker: Oh, boy, oh, boy! Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Executioner Data: And you say that all of your `droids have emotions? Lt. Nameless: Yeah! We even have to wipe our computers once a month, or they'll develop full personalities, too! And thanks for not killing us! Emphatic agreement from the rest of the bridge crew. Data: Intriguing... Later, on the bridge of the Enterprise Luke Skywalker: Commander Riker, you're lucky that I sensed what Vader was doing and deflected some of that mental attack. Your captain should be just fine. Riker: (fuming) Yeah, thats _real_ lucky. Luke: Are you sure you don't need any help dealing with the Empire? Riker: Yeah, I'm sure. All things considered, things didn't turn out that badly. Worf, Data, and I got to kick ass, the Empire got Alexander and both of the Trois, and we got hyperdrive and a new counselor. (turns to new counselor, who is the female stormtrooper from the locker room) Isn't that right, baby? Counselor Babe: That's right honey. By the way, you look a little stressed. Make an appointment to see me tonight. Riker: Oh, boy, oh, boy! Data: (turning to face the rest ot the bridge) So, where're we goin' now? Bridge crew: What the..? Riker: What the hell's going on here? Data: I think that we should go to Risa and give my new emotion circuits another shakedown. (turns to Counselor Babe) Isn't that right, baby? Babe: That's right, honey. (blows Data a kiss) Riker: Uh, oh. Space Executor goes int Voiceovers Alexander: I hate him! Luwaxana: Now, now, my little prince. What he's thinking about me doesn't make him a bad man. Deanna: Lord Vader, I sense intense frustration and anger from you. Vader: I'll get them for this! Credits roll Next (maybe): The Empire Strikes Back Anybody want to switch this around and have the SW good guys up against the ST bad guys? For example: Borg: Kessel Run is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Han: I've got a bad feeling about this. ### @ @ - Jameel Physicist-At-Large