Back by nearly popular demand...

Toon Trek: The Next Generation
------------------------------

(For an explanation of the casting of this and other "Toon Trek"
episodes, see the pilot episode, "Encounter at Wayouttharpoint",
available soon in Chuan Chee's archives, or write this author at
"kjp@ecn.purdue.edu", or (after Christmas '90)
"71460.3602@compuserve.com")

Short version:
Buster Bunny = Picard
Babs Bunny = Dr. Beverly Crusher
Plucky Duck = Riker
Hamton Pig = Data
Shirley McLoon = Troi
Calamity Coyote = Geordi
Dizzy Devil = Worf
Mortimer Bunny (junior prom episode) = Wesley
Furrball Cat = O'Brien
Fifi "LePew" = Yar (not in this episode)
Mary Melody = Guinan (not in this episode)

Toon-ight's episode: "The Meta-Parody"
-------------------------------------------------
Act I: The New Generation Meets the Old... Again.

(Bridge.  Buster, Hamton, Dizzy, Plucky, Mortimer and Shirley are at the
usual positions.  Babs is standing around, for no very good reason,
other than the fact that she has some lines in this scene.)

Buster: Captain's log, stardate 1800848.8888.  Wait, isn't that the
phone number for some hotel chain somewhere?

Hamton: Well, you have my guarantee that it's not Hamton Inn.  We'd
never run such an airheaded campaign.

Buster: Thank you. (ahem) Anyway, we are on a very vague mission, to say
the least.  All we know is that we are to hold here at the Fondhu system
until something happens.  Almost no one seems to know what it is, and
those who might know aren't telling.

Mortimer: Captain.  Sensors show some sort of disturbance in the space-
time continuum.

Babs: Well, whatever it is, it looks like we're about to find out.

(Out of nowhere (actually a black-on-black hole in space) emerges
another spaceship.  There is something vaguely familiar about the design
of it...)

Dizzy: We being hailed.

(A familiar voice is heard)

Familiar voice:  Neaahhh, this is Captain Bugs Bunny of the W. B. S.
Acme.  (Now he appears on the viewscreen.  Behind him are Sylvester and
Porky, in front but off to the side, Elmer and Speedy Gonzales)  Who am
I talking to?

Buster: This is Captain Buster Bunny of the W. B. S. Acme.

The crews of both ships (muttering in unison): No relation.

Bugs: Oh, moicatroid.  Another "Old Trek meets New Trek" parody.  How
many of these things do these writers think they can do?

Buster: Well, like it or not, we're stuck with each other for now.

Bugs: I guess so.  Would you mind if we broke off for a moment to
discuss stragety?

Buster: No problemo.

Bugs: Good.  See you in a few minutes.

(Bugs' image disappears from the screen.)

Buster: Hamton.  Gather what you can about all previous "Old Trek meets
New Trek" parodies in Chuan Chee's archives.  Mr. Devil, you have the
bridge, everyone else, conference room, two minutes.  (He then exits).

(Conference room.  Buster, Hamton, Babs, Plucky, Shirley, and Mortimer
are present.  Hamton is reporting on his findings.)

Hamton: A preliminary check has no less than sixteen meetings between
Old Trek and New Trek.  I have taken the liberty of selecting just those
scripts where we meet right at the beginning.  This leaves a total of
seven such circumstances, not including this one.

Buster: Six too many, at least.  Oh well, let's hear them.

Hamton:  All right.  This first one had us travel back to dump the
Wesley and Troi characters on the old ship.

Buster: Tempting...

Plucky: No one's dumping my loon!!

Shirley: Why, Plucky, how... noble of you.

Plucky: I mean, who else could I get for a date on Saturdays?

Shirley: Hmmph!  Better start making other plans quick, duck.

Buster: Okay, that one's out, what's next?

Hamton: Well, then there's this one, where we just send "Wesley" over.

Buster: VERY tempting...

(Mortimer takes the opportunity to edge towards the door.)

Hamton: He comes back badly mutilated, and pretty well cured of his
whining problem.

Plucky: I like it.

(Exit Mortimer at warp factor seven.  No one notices.)

Babs: Wait a second.  You said "he comes back".  Why do we take him
back?

Hamton: "Beverly Crusher" goes into a fit and refuses to talk to
"Picard", much less anything else, until he gets "Wesley" back.

Babs: Well if THAT's the way I'm going to feel about it, then I don't
want to get rid of him in the first place.

(There is a general mood that there is a flaw in this somewhere, but no
one can put a finger on it.)

Buster: Oh well.  Okay, let's leave the Wesley character out of it as
much as possible.  It's been overdone anyway.  What's next?

Hamton: Well, then so much for this one...(puts down a page titled
"And Wesley Shall Leave") All right, this one has us go back in time
accidentally.  The quality of the old generation's scripts were too
much for the new, and the difference almost destroys the new generation.

(Suddenly, that page disappears in a puff of smoke.)

Babs: Looks like one of our writers heard you.

Hamton: Right.  OK, this one's pretty good...  Uh, can we get Madonna
and the casts of Ghostbusters and Monty Python's Flying Circus?

Plucky: AND support our special effects budget?  Not likely.

(Hamton tosses that one aside, and reads the next)

Hamton: Ah!  This one looks good!  Let's see, it's not clear who travels
forwards or backwards in time... Lots of arguing between the two
crews... Oh, and even "Q" shows up!  And some guys called "Organians",
who act like the Three Stooges.

Buster: Well, for that we could lease the Robotic Stooges from Hanna-
Barbera.  They'll work cheap.

Hamton: Oh, RATS!

Babs: What?

Hamton: We need a Pulaski character.

Plucky: What about Elmyra?

Buster: No, it just wouldn't work.  There might be a vague physical
resemblance, but Elmyra couldn't put up a stuffy front to save her life.

Shirley: Hey, don't I get a turn in this dialogue?

Babs: You just did.

Hamton: Okay, now this one...  Hmmm, this must be a mistake.  Ever heard
of anyone called "Kwirk" or "Sickhard" or "Ohboy"?

(general muttering, and shaking of heads)

Hamton: And in this last one, all they do is stand around and talk.
"Kirk" falls for "Beverly", though.

Buster: All right, then, I guess we'll just have to improvise.

Plucky: Can't stand competition, eh, Buster?

Babs: Say, since we've rejected every way it HAS been done, why don't we
just do it every way it HASN'T been done?

Hamton: As Spock would say, eminently logical.

Plucky: I don't know, the last time I let logic rule, I got four dozen
anvils dropped on me.  (A thought balloon with an anvil in it appears
above him.  Predictably, the anvil drops on his head.)

Buster: Well, unless you have a better idea, Number One... (strangely,
he gets no response from the bashed head with its tongue halfway out)
...agreed.

(Bridge.  They are once again talking with Bugs via the viewscreen.)

Bugs: All right, doc, so we know what NOT to do.  So what DO we do?

Buster: We improvise.  Let's start by going over to your side.

Bugs: Now hold on, we need to tidy up the place foist.

(But too late.  Buster has signalled Furrball in the transporter room,
and suddenly the entire crew (almost) of the Acme-D has beamed onto the
bridge of the Acme-A.  It's not a huge crew, so the bridge isn't mobbed,
but it definitely is cramped.)

Sylvester (doing a lousy impression of Leonard Nimoy): That was totally
illogical.  Who's running your ship now?

Buster: Oh, don't worry about that.  We left Mortimer behind.  We
decided the "Wesley" character was getting far too much use in these
parodies, so we left him out of this one.

(Cut to a hallway on the Acme-D.)

Mortimer (not in camera shot):  Hellooooo?   HELLOOOOOOOOO??   ANYBODY
HERE????  ANYONE?!?!?!??!!!  (panicking)  SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!

(Well, he's all right, so let's go back to the Acme-A.)

Porky:  W-w-w-well, now what are we g-g-g-going to do with these t-t-t-
t-t-kids?

Bugs: Hey, Daff, how about giving these guys the grand tour of the ship?

Daffy: Dammit, Bugs, I'm a... oops, this is a kid's show, isn't it?
(ahem) Darn it, Bugs, I'm a doctor, not a tour guide!

Bugs: Well, fine, I just thought you'd want it, since the tour guide is
the only one who gets a speaking role in two of the next three scenes.

Daffy: Did I say I was a doctor?  I meant, I'm a tour guide, not a
doctor.

(Cut to a hallway, along which the tour follows)

Hamton: Buster, why does that tour guide remind me of that "D"
character?

Buster: Shhh!  You're not supposed to notice.

Daffy: And right this way is the engineering section.  (They enter it)
Over there is the location of the Spock death-scene in Star Trek II.
Over here is where we control warp speed.  (Indicates a dial.  Closer
inspection reveals a number range from 1 to 9, and an added setting,
"As-fast-as-it-takes".)

Daffy: All right, next stop, the mess hall.

(Dizzy falls behind the group, attracted for some reason to a door.
Opening it reveals, among others, Yosemite Sam, Pepe LePew, the
Roadrunner, Foghorn Leghorn, Tweety Bird, and the original Tasmanian
Devil.  All are wearing red shirts and looking pretty glum, until they
notice someone has entered.)

Dizzy: Ah!!! Fresh meat!!

(A horrible battle unfolds, with the end result being that all of the
redshirts scatter out of the room, except for Tazzy, who has the
situation, and Dizzy, under control.)

Tazzy:  You not bad for beginner.  But not good enough.

(He swallows Dizzy whole.  Dizzy, not taking a liking to this turn of
events, gives Tazzy one of the worst cases of indigestion he has felt
since Wild Turkey Surprise.  Tazzy spits him out, and after a few more
growls at one another, they suddenly break into fierce grins and shake
hands.)

(Cut to upper shot of Daffy, so that we can't see any of the tour
group.)

Daffy (muttering to himself): Some gig this is.  Playing straight duck
to two dozen teenagers.  (aloud) All right, next stop is the brig, and
if there's any... (he turns to the group, and is surprised to see that
only Plucky and Shirley are there.)  Huh?  Where's the rest of them?

Plucky: Look like they all split the tour.

Shirley: Indeed.  I sensed great boredom as we went along.

Daffy: Boredom, eh?  Are you guys saying I'm not a good tour guide?

Plucky: You said it, we didn't.  Come on Shirley, let's get back to the
bridge.  There's something I've been wanting to try.

(As they walk away, leaving Daffy seething:)

Shirley: I sense a huge ego which has been badly bruised.

Plucky: Couldn't be.  I feel fine.

(Bridge.  Close-up of Bugs.)

Bugs: Captain's log, no stardate, because all our clocks are running 75
years slow.  The idea of Captain Buster's to improvise during our
meeting is not without its merits, but it appears to have resulted in
one major side effect.  It seems that both crews have largely fallen out
of the Star Trek characters they were supposed to be emulating.

(Back off to show Elmer pointing his rifle at Bugs' head)

Bugs: Call it a hunch.

(He plugs up the gun barrels with carrots at the last second, and the
rifle blows up, as it has many times before, in Elmer's face.  Bugs
pulls up a tile in the floor of the bridge, and climbs into the hole.
Tiles begin to uproot themselves in a path leading away from the hole.
Sylvester has to jump out of the way to avoid being knocked over.
Plucky and Shirley enter the bridge.)

Plucky: Hey, Sylvester, you're the one playing Spock on this ship,
right?

Sylvester: That'sth right.

Plucky: Could you teach me that Vulcan mind meld trick?  There was a
little, uh, experiment I wanted to try with it...

Shirley (disparagingly): I sense a desperate need for a cold shower.

Sylvester (whispering to Plucky): Trust me, kid.  I've tried re-enacting
"Share Minds But Kill the Kid".  It's overrated.  Go with the real
thing.

(Having had just enough of this, Shirley produces a two by four and
gives Plucky the hardest face-slap ever.  Following it up by ramming the
short end into Sylvester's belly, she then shoulders her weapon.)

Shirley (a la "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan):  HO-OOOOOO!

(A hallway.  Tweety Bird is flying along erratically, when he runs head-
on into the young lady Sweetie Bird.  Tweety falls to the floor, Sweetie
manages to stay aloft.)

Sweetie: Hey, why don't you watch where you're flying?

Tweety: Gimme a bweak!  It's tough enough just getting aiwbowne.

Sweetie: What are you talking about?  I never have any trouble.

(Just then, a hungry Furrball comes around the corner.)

Tweety (panicking): Wun!!  (he runs away)

Sweetie: What a wimp.  (She goes into a spin and comes out in some sort
of martial arts costume.  Furrball is almost on her when she grabs his
paw and flips him.)  Hiyyyyya!

(After taking a formal Oriental bow, only then does she resort to the
strategic retreat, just dodging Furrball's claw.  Soon she catches up
with Tweety, who is still running.  As she passes him:)

Sweetie: Get a clue and take some self-defense courses, you weenie!

(A hallway intersection, with some strange looking device above it,
shining red from the camera point of view.  A puff of smoke rushes up to
it and halts before it.  It clears to reveal Calamity Coyote and Beeper
Roadrunner.  As they just stand there, Wile E. Coyote and the original
Roadrunner pass before them at top speed.  Afterwards, the red light
changes to green, and the two of them resume the chase.  A trail of
uprooted tiles halts at the intersection (it had the red light), and
Bugs pops out.  He spies two smaller tunnels approaching from his right.
Producing a sheet of steel plating, he slips it between tiles, directly
in the path of the twin tunnels.  A few seconds later, the steel plate
vibrates.  Moving the last two tiles uprooted by the twin tunnels, he
pulls out two very dazed rabbits.)

Bugs: We have to talk.  (He carries Buster and Babs off.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Will the Acme-A be able to survive this invasion?
-- Will we be able to get a coherent plot out of this mess?

The answers to these questions, maybe, next time, on Toon Trek: The Next
Generation!

*** FLASH!!

This just in... in football, in what is being termed a "mild upset",
it's a final: Acme Loo 29, Purdue 7.  Acme recorded a National Cartoon
Athletic Association record 27 sacks, including four for safeties.
Purdue ex-head coach Fred Akers was quoted after the game, "Who was that
spinning linebacker, anyway?"  Akers was fired and replaced by interim
coach Tom Ruegger with 2:00 left in the game, whereupon Purdue scored
their only points of the game.
The Purdue defense was somewhat more fortunate, holding the Acme offense
scoreless through much of the game, thanks in part to some strange
penalties on the Acme offense, such as "tunneling", "illegal use of
mouth", and a personal foul on TE LePew's tail.  The defense held until
late in the third quarter when, with the score at 4-0, Acme quarterback
Buster Bunny threw three long bombs, then the football.  Unluckily for
Purdue, the entire secondary intercepted the bombs and were out for the
rest of the game, though they are expected to recover.  Facing a short-
handed defense, Acme then proceeded to break open the game.
Next up for Acme Loo is Zazoo U., while Purdue goes into more difficult
waters, hosting Northwestern next week.

--
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Podsiadlik      COMPUSERVE: 71460,3602      INTERNET: kjp@ecn.purdue.edu
After all, didn't the Earthers have a saying? "He who fights and runs away,
lives to fight another day?"  Or was it, "--lives to run another day?"  Never