Star Trek: The Next Generation
"A Christmas Story"
Data: Strictly speaking, we are not the next generation, but
two generations after the original series with Captain
Kirk.
Riker: So that makes us "Star Trek: The Next Next
Generation?"
Wesley: Maybe we're really "Star Trek: Not the Next
Generation but the One After That?"
Pulaski: Or maybe even "Star Trek: The Third Generation?"
Troi: I feel confused.
Picard: Me too. Ensign Crusher, set a course for the new
parody. Warp three.
[Picard sits down in his chair, giving his uniform top a tug
to straighten it out. Riker smirks. Wesley lays in the
course.]
Wesley: Course laid in, captain.
Picard: (pointing finger) Engage!
============================================================
[The Enterprise is travelling at warp speed, just like in so
many other episodes. Hey, these parodies have a low budget,
all right? The bridge is filled with little kids, lined up
to see Riker (dressed as Santa Claus) with their parents.
Picard is smiling happily.]
Wesley: Captain?
Picard: (smiling) Yes, ensign?
Wesley: Sir, you don't like children. Remember?
Picard: I don't?
Wesley: No sir.
Picard: Oh--you're right! You know, it's been so long since
the writers did anything with that subplot that I
completely forgot!
[Picard now looks kind of annoyed and begins to pace
uneasily across the bridge floor.]
Wesley: Much better, sir.
[As the last of the children file out, Riker takes off the
Santa hat and beard. The fat does not come off, because it
is actually built in.]
Picard: Are these annual trips to the bridge necessary,
Number One?
Riker: It helps the children feel more comfortable on the
ship, sir. Besides, it's only once a year. I don't
think it's anything worth getting upset about.
Besides, I don't recall your being this upset around
children since the first season.
Picard: Ah, yes, Ensign Crusher just reminded me that I do
not like children. I'd forgotten.
Troi: It has been a while since the writers developed that
subplot, captain.
Geordi: Or the one with my eyes.
Pulaski: Or the romance between Jean-Luc and Wesley's
mother.
[Picard blushes.]
Riker: I think the only subplot they haven't neglected is
Deanna's pain.
Wesley: Commander?
Riker: Yes Wesley?
Wesley: What started this whole Christmas story anyway?
What brought about this Santa Claus holiday?
Riker: I really don't know.
Picard: I must confess, I don't know either. It originally
had to do with some religious observation back in the
pre-spaceflight era of Earth, I think . . .
Wesley: People worshipped Santa Claus?
[A non-descript crewman with a mass of curly hair at Data's
station clears his throat.]
Crewman: No, Jesus Christ.
[Everyone is shocked.]
Picard: I don't want to hear that sort of language on my
bridge again! This is a family tv show--do you what
will happen to the ratings if parents hear us using
language like that, ensign . . .
Crewman: Green, sir. Ensign Keith Green. And I wasn't
swearing, sir. Jesus Christ is a man's name.
Picard: (thinking momentarily) You're right. I just never
hear it in that context these days. I remember reading
something about him a long time ago. He was Jewish,
wasn't he? Some religious figure from twenty-five
hundred years ago.
Riker: But what does that have to do with Christmas?
[A bright flash, and on the set appears . . .]
Q: Something I shall endeavor to show you right now, my dear
Riker.
All: Q!
============================================================
The Wild West: The Final Frontier. No, no, that's not it.
The oceans: the final frontier. No, that's not it either.
Space? Yeah yeah, space, that's it. Space: the final
frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship . . . ummm . . . Will,
what's our starship's name again? The Booby Prize? The
Door Prize? Oh yeah . . . the Enterprise. These are the
voyages of the starship Enterprise: her ongoing mission, to
. . . to . . . what is our mission, anyway? There was
something about frogs in there, right? To seek out new
frogs and . . . that's not it? New lifeforms? I want to
seek out new frogs! Oh, all right. To seek our new life
and new civilizations, to go boldly where no one has gone
before. That's not it? To boldly go? But that's poor
grammar! I can't split infinitives! I'm a Shakespearean
actor, I can't do that sort of junk, I'll lose my union
card! I'll be banned from the Bard! I'll be . . .
[Opening credits end, we now see inside the bridge where
Picard is continuing his monologue.]
Picard: I'll be barred unable to return to ACTER or the
Royal Shakespeare Company. Oh?? We're back to the
show. Oops.
Riker: What do you mean you're going to show us what Jesus
Christ has to do with Christmas?
Q: I felt badly about the rough treatment I gave you as
Santa Claus, and felt I should make it up to you. What
do you say, Microbrain? Is it a deal?
Worf: Klingons do *NOT* gamble with all-powerful beings.
You always lie, and when you have nothing, you cheat.
Q: Only some of us, Worf. And we're not really all that
all-powerful. We just like to act as though we are.
We're really living a lie. Just like the Pittsburgh
Steelers.
[Hey, it's OK--I'm *from* Pittsburgh!]
Q: But first, for some mandatory entertainment the writer
promised his brother he'd put into his next parody.
[Q snaps his fingers.]
Worf: Captain, there are two intruders in shuttle bay three.
I am dispatching a security team to apprehend them.
[Worf leaves the bridge.]
Picard: Oh good--do you suppose we could get prisoners?
Data: It is indeed likely, captain.
Picard: Great! Maybe I can perform the opening soliloquy
from Richard III for them. I love a "captive" audience
for my Shakespeare performances.
Riker: Captain, I feel I should warn you that we're starting
to act like we're in another parody.
Picard: (thoughtfully) You're right--a bit like that
"Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation,"
isn't it?
Data: Very much.
[In shuttle bay three.]
Worf: Worf to bridge. Captain, I have located two intruders
in shuttle bay three.
Arthur: Why isn't anyone ever glad to see us?
Worf: Wait--I know you two! You were in "The Hitchhiker's
Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation," weren't you?
Ford: I was afraid he might remember us. Run for it,
Arthur!
Arthur: Right!
[He and Ford both turn and run into each other, knocking
themselves out in the process. Fortunately for them both,
there is a sudden flash as Dr Samuel Beckett leaps into
Worf.]
Sam: Oh boy. Where am I now?
[He looks at Worf's reflection on the side of a shuttle.]
Sam: Oh no. What am I doing back here?
[He finally manages to get to the bridge, saving Ford and
Arthur from Worf in the process, thereby accomplishing the
mission for which he was sent into Worf's body, and as a
result leaping back out of Worf and into his own TV show,
Quantum Leap.]
Data: I do not understand the poor writing quality of this
story, Geordi.
Geordi: Well, Data, it's all because some Trekker out there
has a bunch of stupid jokes he feels he has to tell,
and no coherent plot to link them together. Hopefully
he'll get around to the main point soon.
Green: I agree. This is really getting absurd.
Q: Pay some attention to me, will you? I'm relatively
omnipotent, I shouldn't just be ignored!
Riker: We'll ignore you for as long as we want, do you
understand me, Q? You're not the one writing this
story, *he* is.
[As Riker points toward the camera, everyone peers outward.]
Worf: That *boy* is writing this story?
Wesley: What's that sweatshirt he's wearing? "Dr Who?"
Geordi: What an idiot. Doesn't he realize he has a final on
Monday?
Troi: I sense great anger building.
[Geordi suddenly gets run over by a horde of elephants
driven by Hannibal, on his way to conquer Rome.]
Picard: Picard to sickbay. Medical emergency on the bridge.
Wesley: How can the writer do that?
Riker: Well, Wesley, he can do that because he's the writer
and we're just characters in his story.
Wesley: Gee Commander, that makes sense. I want to grow up
to be just like you.
Riker: Why thank you, Wes. That's a very nice thing to say.
Picard: (aside) Another Riker? What a revolting thought.
Q: Worf, quit crying! Just because he didn't write you in
with a better looking face is no reason to cry!
Worf: Klingons do *NOT* cry. We just sulk. Usually with
the regular lights off and the Christmas lights going.
Sometimes with the stereo blasting.
Green: Enough! Q, you said something about showing us the
origins of Christmas.
Q: Very well. But on one condition. A number of us over in
the Q continuum really enjoy your music, and we would
you to do a performance of some of your songs for us,
like "He'll Take Care of the Rest."
Worf: You sing?
Green: And play the piano. Why not come to one of my
concerts on the rec deck?
Worf: Klingons do *NOT* attend concerts. We--
[Through a Providential editing error, Worf is suddenly cut
off, thereby preventing viewers from finding out exactly
what it is that Klingons do. The entire picture goes
blurry.]
Riker: I sure wish the viewers would adjust their set.
Worf: They are not. Sir, request permission to kill the
viewers.
Picard: Denied, lieutenant. What would happen to our
ratings then?
[The whole picture shakes suddenly and clears up. Something
hits Wesley on the head.]
Wesley: Ow! Something hit me on the head!
Worf: A shoe. Mr Johnson must have fixed his set finally.
Thank you, Mr Johnson, for everything. Especially for
hitting Wesley.
[The TNG crew find themselves outside a cave. They look
around. The only lighting available is provided by the
stars
and a single torch burning inside the cave. There is a gate
at the mouth of the cave to keep the animals locked inside
from escaping. A city is not far away, but there is no
artificial lighting except the burning of torches.]
Data: Captain, tricorder readings indicate no electric power
in the vicinity. We appear to be located on a hill
outside a small city. Atmosphere is breathable; very
similar to Earth, but with a much lower pollutant
content. There are three life signs inside the cave,
sir. They are human.
Picard: Q--where are we?
Green: I don't see Q anywhere, captain. He seems to have
left us here.
Riker: Sir, I recognize some of the constellations. We're
definitely on Earth.
Picard: But where, Number One?
Data: If I may answer, captain, I believe we are located in
the area once known as Israel. It reestablished itself
as a nation in the year 1948 and continued as a nation
until it joined the United States of Earth in 2109. It
was the home of a unique group of people known as the
Jews, who--
Picard: Data?
Data: Yes sir?
Picard: Shut up. Ensign Green, Ensign Crusher--go ask the
people inside if they can tell us where we are.
[Wesley and Green climb over the fence and enter the stall,
up ahead they see a young man and woman. The woman is very
obviously pregnant and is going through labor.]
Wesley: (whispering) It sure smells in here.
Green: It's a manger, Wes. Animals live here. They crap
here. Manure isn't supposed to smell nice.
Wesley: And they're going to have a baby here? That's
crazy! She could die here.
Green: Maybe, but I doubt it. She's a tough lady to have
gotten through what she has already. (to the couple)
Excuse me, can you help us? We're lost.
[The couple do not hear.]
Green: Clever, Q, clever.
Wesley: What? What is it?
Green: We can watch, we can hear, and we can observe. But
we can't interfere. They can't see us or hear us.
Wesley: Why not?
Green: What's going on is too important for us to interfere.
I think Q realized that. Captain, come on in! The
smell's bad, but that's the worst of it. We seem to be
trapped in another time reference plane; we can see
everything that happens with these people, but we can't
interfere in any way.
Picard: (coming forward with others) Fascinating. Is this
one of Q's illusions?
Green: I don't think so, captain. I may be wrong, but
something tells me this is real.
Data: I concur with Ensign Green, captain. I am unaffected
by Q's illusions, but I do perceive all that is
happening here. We are indeed witnessing an actual
event on earth.
Picard: From history, or the present?
Green: From history, captain.
Riker: What makes you so certain, mister?
Green: Just trust me, commander. Look--she's giving birth.
Wesley: Ew, gross--look at all that blood!
Worf: You are so weak, Wesley. Klingons prefer natural
childbirth much more to the humans' mechanized,
painless births. It shows the woman's strength.
Green: Shhh! Listen!
Man: Come on, Miriam, breathe. Now, push!
Miriam: Yuseph, I feel like I'm given birth to a
shekel of rock.
Yuseph: You are, Miriam. You are.
Wesley: What's a shekel?
Riker: Shh!
Data: A shekel is a unit of measurement dating back to--
Worf: SILENCE!
[A head begins to emerge, coated in blood.]
[The rest of the body emerges. Yuseph severs the umbilical
cord, following proper medical procedures, and smacks the
child, who begins to scream loudly.]
Data: Are all human children so noisy?
Troi: Most of them are, Data.
Picard: Now I remember why I don't like children . . .
Yuseph: Your first son, Miriam.
[He holds the baby boy out to her; she takes him in her arms
and holds the screaming baby, a smile on her lips.]
Worf: Will they not expose it?
Green: What?
Worf: It is Klingon tradition to leave the children on a
hill for the night of their existence. If the child
survives, it is raised up as a true Klingon. This
ensures that only the fit survive.
Green: No, Worf, human families don't do that. We generally
place a lot of value on our children.
Miriam: Your son, too, Yuseph.
Yuseph: Not mine, but I will raise him as though he were.
Q: (suddenly appearing) Amazing, isn't it? Such a mighty
being, but such a humble birth. He has to scream and
wave his arms when he wants fed; he can't even fend for
himself. He can't talk; he can't walk. He'll have to
learn, just like other children. He'll have to be
potty-trained, just like other children.
Picard: Q, what are you talking about?
Q: The baby, who else?
Green: Let's leave the cave. I don't think we should
intrude on their moments together like this.
[As they leave the cave, a brilliant light suddenly floods
the sky.]
Troi: So beautiful--such singing!
Data: Captain, no known astronomical phenomenon can account
for this light in the sky or for the singing we all
hear. It could be the wind, however, blowing through
the--
Wesley: Data?
Data: Yes?
Wesley: Shut up.
Q: Incredible, isn't it? The birth of a little boy. Do you
begin to understand now, Picard? Do you realize what
Christmas is all about?
Riker: It's related to that boy in there, isn't it?
Q: You're quite right. It's central to that boy. "Santa
Claus" is purely peripheral. He has nothing to do with
Christmas.
Troi: Captain, I sense a great joy flooding this land. It
is unlike anything I have ever felt before.
Green: Oh, I've felt it before. It's wonderful, no doubt
about that. But it's meant to be a permanent feeling.
I suspect Q is going to show us more about that soon
enough. Q?
Q: Quite right, ensign. You are a quick one.
[A great flash. The scene changes all around them. They
are now in a magnificent building where tables are
overturned, birds are flitting around, and sheep wander
through the area bleating stupidly. Amid the mess, a young
man is standing, preaching to a huge throng gathered around
him. A second man comes up to him and begins to talk with
him.]
Riker: This preacher is the baby, isn't he?
Green: That's right, sir--he is.
Riker: Blast it--where's Q? And how do you know these
things, Green?
[Green grins.]
Worf: This preacher did this? This man could be a Klingon.
I see his fire, burning fiercely--he would be a mighty
warrior among the Klingons, even for a human.
Man: Teacher, we know that you speak and teach what is
right, and that you do not show partiality but teach
the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it
right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?
Preacher: Show me a denarius. Whose portrait and
inscription are on it?
Man: . . . Caesar's . . .
Preacher: Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God
what is God's.
Wesley: What was happening here, Keith?
Green: Well, Wes, that preacher just upset a lot of folks
here, by making a disturbance in this Temple. He took
a stand for what's right by driving out a lot of
moneymakers. He felt that since God's love is free, we
shouldn't charge for it. A lot of people here are
questioning his authority, and trying to catch him in a
mistake so they can arrest him for insurrection.
Troi: I sense a good deal of anger here, as well as
confusion.
Green: He upset a lot of people by doing this. He also
didn't take the stand a number of people expected him
to. See, his people--the Jews--are occupied by others
right now, and a lot of people are expecting him to
overthrow the occupiers. He pretty much just said that
they should be obeyed without violating God's laws.
Data: I see. Captain, the preacher mentioned "Caesar." I
believe he is referring to a ruler of the Roman Empire,
which collapsed in the sixth century A.D. As we are in
the area of Israel, I feel it likely that we are in the
period termed 0-60 AD, when a number of Jewish
religious leaders appeared, claiming to be a "messiah."
Riker: Interesting, Data. Can you narrow it down further
than that?
Data: Not without further information, sir. I was never
supplied with much information on this period of
Mediterranean history.
[A bright flash. Q reappears.]
Q: Are you ready to go, Picard? There're two more things I
want you to see before we're finished.
[Another brilliant flash, the bridge crew now appear on a
hill.]
Riker: Is that him? Good lord . . .
Wesley: I'm going to be sick.
Worf: What has he done to deserve this? No warrior should
face death so ignominiously. It is a disgrace.
Troi: I feel great pain, captain, and anguish.
Worf: Don't you have any original lines, counselor? It's
always "I feel this," or "I feel that," or "I sense the
other thing." Can you not say something original.
Troi: Oh, look who's talking--Mr "Klingons do *NOT*"
himself. Talk about a lack of original lines, Worf,
why don't you--
Picard: At ease, counselor, lieutenant.
Riker: What have they done to him?
Green: They've crucified him, commander. It's a form of
execution that takes days to kill. It's very painful.
Data: Confirmed. Tricorder readings indicate unusual levels
of lactic acid in these three men. They are suffering
from massive cramps throughout their entire bodies.
Wesley: Data, why is it getting dark? I thought it was
evening, but our shadows are all wrong for that.
Data: We appear to be experiencing a solar eclipse.
Processing . . . Captain, we appear to be observing a
time in the Earth's history at approximately 30 AD.
The configuration of the moon and the sun in such an
eclipse happens very rarely. By extrapolating
backwards from the known location of the celestial
bodies in our era, I was able to ascertain the most
likely dates for this phenomenon to manifest itself
over Israel. This, combined with the information
gleaned earlier about the Caesars . . .
Riker: Data?
Data: Yes sir, I know. You wish me to shut up.
Riker: Please.
Preacher: (dry, raspy voice) My God, My God, why have you
forsaken me?
Troi: Such despair! Will, we must do something to help him!
Green: We can't, counselor. He's dying.
Troi: But I feel the anguish he's going through--it's so
extreme! It's like the joy I felt at his birth, but in
reverse. I'm feeling his death cries, and they're so
tragic!
Picard: We can't interfere. Even if we could, I wouldn't
allow it. The Prime Directive--
Riker: Our own history--
Green: The will of God.
All: What?
Green: Don't you understand? He has to die. Mankind is in
a fallen state, and needs God's mercy. God's justice
is too demanding for us to get in our own merit, so He
needed somebody who was willing to take our punishment
on himself. Someone who was innocent, and undeserving
of God's wrath.
Riker: You mean like this preacher?
Green: That's *exactly* what I mean. He hasn't done
anything wrong. He's obeyed God perfectly, which means
he's the only one capable of paying for our wrongs. He
dies in our place, we can receive forgiveness in his
name.
Worf: I believe I understand. This man is indeed a Klingon
of valor. For a righteous man, a few may dare to die.
But for the unrighteous, no one would die. He has
shown himself to be a better Klingon and a better
warrior than me.
Picard: Data, there is a sign above his head with writing on
it. Can you read it?
Data: It is written in three different languages, captain.
They appear to be Latin, classic Greek, and Aramaic.
They all translate as "Joshua of Nazareth, the King of
the Jews." I am afraid I do not understand the
significance of this, captain. It was customary for
the Romans to list a man's crime on his crucifix. How
is his position as king relevant?
Green: That's his crime, Data. The Jews' only king was God.
This man was God in human form. That was too offensive
for some. So they crucified him.
[Worf advances to the foot of the cross.]
Worf: (showing emotion) Joshua, son of God, I admit to you
that I am fallen from what I should be. I accept your
sacrifice for me, and commit myself to your service.
Thank you.
[Some blood drips onto Worf from above. He breaks down in
tears. Hey, so he lied about Klingons' not crying, OK? He
also lied about Klingons not playing with toys and not
taking hostages.]
Joshua: Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit. It is
finished.
Data: Solar eclipse is now complete.
[There is a sudden roar as an earthquake rocks the ground
and a bitter storm breaks out, pelting the bridge crew with
rain. People all around them scream, especially the two
other men crucified on either side of Joshua. Q reappears
in a flash.]
Data: Tricorder readings indicate that Joshua has died,
captain.
Q: What do you think, Jean-Luc? Are you beginning to
understand?
Picard: Q! Take us out of here! Now!
Q: As you wish, mon captaine.
[The scenery flashes brilliantly and the bridge crew find
themselves outside a cave. Four men stand outside the cave,
two are awake and alert. It is dark, but growing steadily
brighter.]
Riker: Where are we now?
Data: We are not far from the hill where we just stood. We
appear to be outside the city beside a cave, which is
being blocked by a huge boulder and guarded by four
Roman soldiers. The cave also has the seal of the
Roman governor on it. Breaking it is tantamount to
suicide, as the offender will be crucified.
Wesley: Ugh! I'd hate to break it.
Picard: I really don't understand this. What has this to do
with Christmas?
Q: Getting confused, Picard? Feeling challenged? You heard
about all this before, but you treated it like a fairy
tale. It's not; it's history. I'm not making any of
this up, the writer isn't making any of this up. This
happened outside Jerusalem in the year 30 AD. Just
watch, Picard, and think. He claimed to be the Son of
God. This moment, more than any other, will verify or
deny that. And if he is the Son of God, you have some
thinking to do.
Worf: I believe I know what happens next. He is a mightier
warrior than death, is he not, ensign?
Green: He is, Worf. That's how we know we're forgiven.
[There is a brilliant flash of light. The Roman guards see
it and fall as though dead, they are so terrified. A figure
appears at the mouth of the cave, seizes the stone, and
tosses it up the hillside a good thirty feet where it comes
to rest.]
Wesley: How can he do that? That's impossible! That
boulder must weigh tons!
[As the sun rises up in the east and brings a new day to
Israel, a second figure appears in the cave, simply garbed.
He is scarred on his forehead, wrists, and apparently his
side.]
Picard: Impossible! One just doesn't get up after being
dead!
Green: Most don't, captain, but One did.
Riker: But how?
Worf: He *is* the Son of God. Joshua, I salute you.
Joshua: Thank you, Worf.
Riker: You can hear us?
Joshua: Of course, commander. Q is not as powerful as you
think, or as powerful as he likes to pretend.
Wesley: But how?
Joshua: Wesley, you saw me die. And now you have seen me
rise from the dead. I am the Son of God. Do you
believe this?
Wesley: I--I do, Lord. Forgive me.
[Wesley falls down at Joshua's feet.]
Worf: I, too, believe you, Lord.
Green: And I.
[They join Wesley at Joshua's feet.]
Q: And I. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me.
[Q joins Green, Wesley, and Worf.]
Joshua: And you Will? Deanna? Jean-Luc?
Riker: I . . . have seen much, Joshua. I must consider what
I have seen before I do anything.
Joshua: Very well. The time has come for you to return to
the Enterprise. If you look for me there, you will
find me.
[The scenery changes again. Q vanishes with it. They find
themselves back on the bridge.]
Pulaski: It's hard to believe, but I think he'll pull
through it.
Commander Walnut: How did this happen anyway?
Pulaski: He mouthed off to the writer.
Picard: Are we back?
Pulaski: Yes, you're back. I can't believe the nerve of you
people, anyway--running off like that when Geordi just
got run over by a horde of elephants.
Riker: Captain . . . I . . . I have to confess something.
Picard: What is it, Will?
Riker: Seeing all that about Joshua has really convicted me
of my dishonesty. It's time I owned up. My name isn't
really "William T. Riker." I changed my name, and I
changed my appearance, but I'm still me.
[Riker pulls off his beard and moustache and then grabs his
uniform and tears it to pieces, revealing a gold uniform
underneath. Then, getting a glass of water from the food
synthesizer, he dumps it on his hair and lets all the color
run out, revealing it to be blond.]
Picard: No! You can't be!
Riker: Yes. I'm really Captain James T Kirk. I'm sorry for
the deception, but after the Star Trek V fiasco, I felt
it was a good idea to go into hiding.
Data: Fascinating! I had hoped, dreamed, but never really
thought that it could be you! Jim!
Picard: Data, what?
[Data grabs his face and pulls it off, revealing it to be a
plastic mask which conceals his true identity. Once
removed, we see a familiar face with pointed ears and
straight black hair.]
Kirk: Spock! It *is* you!
Commander Walnut: This is getting silly.
Pulaski: Incredible! Jim, Spock--it's me! Bones!
[Pulaski pulls off her hair, mask, and uniform, and there
stands McCoy, in his familiar blue uniform.]
Kirk: Incredible--Bones! I had no idea!
Spock: Fascinating!
[Guinan walks onto the bridge.]
Guinan: I don't believe this! Mr Spock, sugah, it's me--
Uhura!
[Uhura removes her disguise.]
Picard: This is too much. Am I to believe that my entire
senior staff is really the entire bridge crew of
Captain Kirk?
LaForge: (delirious) Och cap'n, I canna give ye anymore!
The dilithium crystals just canna take the strain! I
can't change the laws of physics!
Kirk: Scotty!
Uhura: Captain, we're receiving a message from deck
seventeen. One of the Arbolians is suffering from
advanced rootrot.
Kirk: Bones, go see if you can help.
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a tree surgeon!
Commander Walnut: As I always suspected.
Picard: This is too much.
Wesley: Captain, if you like I can lay in a course to take
us off the air.
Picard: By all means. Warp nine.
Wesley: Course laid in, sir.
Picard: Engage!
[The author of this parody happily waives all rights
pertaining to copyright. Feel free to add or subtract from
this parody as you feel appropriate. This parody was
originally written to glorify God, and it is asked that any
changes be made with the same attitude of reverence.]
** Note: The religious ideas expressed in this story **
** do not necessarily reflect the views of StarFleet BBS, **
** nor Gene Roddenberry, for that matter **
