Star Trek VIII, +quot;The Voyage Home+quot; Episode 1 --------- [In the background a few r

Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 1 --------- [In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen... apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party] Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three ---------------------------------------------------------- ...The "end of adventure" party seemed to go quite well on the whole.. ..though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully into the spirit of the occasion.....He seemed to spend most of the time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation ducts..which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a ship's science officer.....I wonder what he's up to... Scotty: [not very enthusiastically] "..emm..Thanks for the socks captain" [He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit for the ship's engines......] Jim: "...a pleasure Scotty...Thought I'd get you something practical for your birthday" [As it was to become apparent in a future adventure the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives the captain more choice over what warp factor to use...but also would have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battlecruisers which ultimately destroyed it.] Scotty: "Hmmm" Sulu: "...oh yes...and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me...it looks fun to use..." [This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of reasons: 1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind (and for that matter in the minds of the rest of the crew) over the issue of whether he was the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case..could he be trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon? 2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful. ] Jim: "Don't mention it Sulu..." Spock: "Jim....I urge you to take some action over this tribble situation" Jim: "Look Spock....for the tenth time...There are NO tribbles on the ship...you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any" Spock: "They're spreading like wild-fire through the ventilation system! There must be thousands of them in there now." Jim: "Spock...get back to your duties....I'll hear no more of this tribble nonsense." Spock: [looking exasperated] "...oh very well...." [He trudges over to his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work.....but every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation ducts and mutters to himself] Jim: "Right Sulu.....give us warp factor 6. Direction...Well sort of point us in the general direction of Earth....we're going home.." Scotty: [muttering] "..warp factor 6...Huh!....we could be doing warp factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter...." Jim: "What was that Scotty?" Scotty: "Oh...emm...nothing..." Jim: "Uhura....open all hailing frequencies......and patch me through to Starfleet Command back on Earth....There's something I've been meaning to ask them for quite a while.." Uhura: [boredly] "..hailing frequencies open, sir..." Jim: "This is Captain James T.Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise." Starfleet Command: "Go ahead Kirk...we read you loud and clear" Jim: "Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering me for some time....How is it that the ship can go much faster than light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?" Starfleet Command: [Silence] [Twelve days later] Uhura: "Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain" Jim: "At last..." Starfleet Command: "You bloody idiot Kirk!...you utter utter idiot!..we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the series but you had to go and open your big mouth...." Uhura: "Message ends, Captain..." Jim: ".....ah....emmm.....right...I think we'll forget about our return to Earth at the moment...They sound a little upset....Sulu take us to the Sirius Alpha sector....we haven't been there for a while..." [At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average, knowing that it met a message travelling out from Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers on a postcard to me....cos I'd damn well like to know] Sulu: "Aye Aye, sir.." Spock: "Captain...our two day distance from Earth has brought us within Federation parcel post range.....Ensign Johnson down in the transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you..." Jim: "Ah!...that'll be my new beer making kit....great!" [Sheeesh] [Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package] Jim: [looking disappointed] "Aw!....it's the damned Reader's Digest... 'Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could be on the way to winning a super slimline speedboat, five hang-gliders or a super deluxe home beer making kit.....'" Spock: "Go on Jim....scratch off the panels....I can't stand the excitement" Jim: "Surprise surprise....I've won a major prize....AGAIN......." [He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command chair waste basket and yawns] "Well maybe something exciting will happen in next week's episode...." [How's that for a contrived ending?] *****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....***** Look...don't get all upset...I was only setting the scene this week for the major excitement of the next episode! I've given you time to delve more deeply into the characters' individual personalities and foibles (whatever THEY are). I get so many letters saying "Why doesn't VAX trek deal in more detail with some of the deeper social issues which confront us today?...Why has VAX Trek not addressed some of the underlying injusticies of our society today by parody and obscure metaphor? Why not explore more deeply the personalities and foibles of the crew members themselves? ....Why doesn't Spock take all his clothes off so we can see what a Vulcan looks like with nothing on?" To all these I say: If you want to talk funny and make lewd suggestions then don't write to me....I'm sure there are plenty of places you can get confidential help. ****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps. And thanks especially to our wonderful system security manager who has kindly overlooked this particular breach. Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07 CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their undying support for the author through his most troubled times, and for chipping in to pay for the psychiatric help. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of utter emptiness.... .and it was pretty quiet as well.... THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice.... "Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before..." Woooo-oooo ...woo woo woo woo-eee-oooooo Then something indeterminate flashed past at incredible speed...yes..it was vax trek part 17.... ___-___ o==o======= . . . . . =========== ||// \ \_|//__ #_______/ "Sulu, take us home....I'm dying for a packet of wine gums" Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 2 --------- Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Four --------------------------------------------------------- We are now cruising at warp factor six in the Sirius Alpha Sector... drinks are currently being served in .....Woops....I wonder what made me say that? Anyway...All seems well with the ship and crew ..except for Spock who seems to have developed some strange paranoia concerning tribbles. Spock: "I have not..." Jim: "Then why do you keep mentioning them every ten minutes.....For the last time I tell you..There are NO tribbles on this ship anymore." Spock: "..but Jim...." Jim: "No buts Spock.....I'll not have my Science Officer indulging in petty fantasies concerning small furry creatures.." Spock: "You make it sound as though I LIKE them .......Quite the contrary..I am merely trying to alert you to the fact that the ship will become overrun by the little beggars if you don't take action NOW!" Jim: "There's no need to start shouting at ME Spock..." [..KERRRRUNCH! ...A sudden bum-shattering impact rocks the ship...... Picking themselves up off the floor of the bridge they all turn their gaze towards Sulu....who is pretending not to notice, as he furiously fiddles with his controls] Jim: "....Admit it Sulu....playing about with those controls is a little too late to make any difference....we've already hit the planet haven't we?" Sulu: "....emmm...well..be fair Captain, I almost got the undercarriage down just before impact..." Jim: [Yawning] "..alright alright...let's see what damage you've done..." [Ten minutes later Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, and two guards stand outside the ship inspecting the structural damage to the Enterprise's hull] Jim: "Spock, don't stand there doing nothing, give us a tricorder reading on the atmospheric content." Spock: "Poisonous methane based atmosphere...Oxygen content 0%,...Unbreathable" Jim: [grabbing frantically at his throat and choking violently] "..g..g..get back on the ship now!!" [They all stagger back on to the ship slam the outer airlock door and slump to the floor with sheer relief as the airlock floods with fresh air again] Spock: "......I was only joking of course....." [Later in the sickbay] Bones: "Feeling better now Spock?....nasty set of bruises you had there... I guess that'll teach you not to play practical jokes like that again" Spock: [Very muffled from under his bandages] "...They've no sense of humour at all....." Bones: "....very ironic statement that...coming from a Vulcan.." [Meanwhile back outside the ship] Jim: "What do you rate the damage like, Scotty" Scotty: "On a scale of 1 to 10....11 I suppose would be a good estimate... We'll be here a couple o'days to fix it.." Jim: "Ok...you see to the repairs...I'll wander off irresponsibly with two guards and you'll have to rescue me later" Scotty: "Right..sounds like a good plot to me...see you later" [After exploring the same bit of scenery for about ten minutes, Jim and the two guards stop for a rest] Jim: "Hmmm...There's something familiar about this place...." [Suddenly there is a tap on his shoulder and he wheels round to see....] Gandalf: "I've got a bone to pick with you Kirk!" [A white bearded old man in a pointy hat, flares, and sporting a chic pair of dark sunglasses confronts Jim with a very irritable look on his face. The old man unleashes two deadly firebolts and wipes out the two guards before they have a chance to raise their phasers] Gandalf: "Right..that's the formalities over....down to business..." Jim: "Uh?..Oh...Hey..I like the cool shades!...very trendy..." Gandalf: "...a consequence of your last visit Kirk......We once had an ozone layer on this planet...." Jim: "...Ah....woops....I knew there WAS a good reason for not using warp drive while in planetary atmosphere....Look on the bright side, you can get a nice tan all year round now..." Gandalf: "Grrr.....You'll be laughing on the other side of your face at the TRIAL!!!! cackle cackle!" Jim: "!" [Jim freezes with a look of abject horror on his face.....hmm...I wonder what abject means......] *****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....***** Will Jim be given a fair trial? Where is he going to find a good lawyer at half past three on a Friday afternoon on a barren desolate planet with no ozone layer? Is there a ship big enough to carry the famous inter-galactic lawyer Perricos Masonide to Jim's aid? Can he afford the fees? Find out all this and more in next week's episode of VAX Trek: The Voyage Home ****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps. And thanks especially to our wonderful system security manager who has kindly overlooked this particular breach. Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07 CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their undying support for the author through his most troubled times, and for chipping in to pay for the psychiatric help. The answer to last week's mathematical question was of course: 42 splurgons. (By choosing the splurgon as the unit of speed the sums conveniently come out to the nice round figure of 42. Using any other system of units just makes the calculations unnecessarily complicated (Note *)) First correct entry out of the postbag was Mr.J.T.Wobblebaum of 96 Internal Haemhorrage Street,Swindon. But since nobody likes a smart-ass, we sent the boys round to convince him of the error of his ways. Consequently he has promised not to enter any more of our competitions. Once we'd emptied the sack of entries on to the floor and found the one that contained the largest bribe we awarded first prize to a Mr.D.J.Young, who also incidentally sent in quite an amusing story with his entry which we might run in a future episode. Note *: Indeed the Mathematicons from the planet Calculatus 5, enhanced their reputation as the most downright clever-dicks in the universe when they invented a system of units which ensured that the answer to any mathematical problem always gave the answer 42. This led to them being the first race to solve many of the great insoluble mathematical problems which had until then completely stumped the finest minds in the galaxy. It was finally possible to evaluate PI exactly (42), determine the exact dimensions of the universe (42x42x42), and find out how many former female attachments Captain James T. Kirk has dotted about the universe (42). (Note there is some uncertainty over the exact value of the latter, but the figure 42 (although undoubtedly on the conservative side) is quoted here so as not to upset the Mathematicons) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ..Somewhere out in the depths of space...on BBC2 probably...after Buck Rogers was finished.... ___-___ o==o======= . . . . . ;-) =========== ||// \ \_|//__ #_______/ "Sensors indicate smiley face up ahead captain..." "...Take immediate evasive action Sulu...and arm the photon torpedoes" "It looks friendly enough though captain" "Precisely..." Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 3 --------- Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Five --------------------------------------------------------- I have been taken prisoner, and now stand in some kind of court-room, about to go on trial for some jumped up charge...of which I might add I'm totally innocent. I just hope Scotty can work another miracle and get me out of here before things go too far......which reminds me... [Flicking open his communicator...to the accompaniment of the usual "mating song of the lesser black backed marsh warbler" sound] Jim: "Kirk to Enterprise....come in Scotty..." Scotty: "Aye captain?" Jim: "Scotty....I'm in a 'wee' bit of trouble as you might say....Let's save a lot of time and hassle...just beam me back to the ship please" Scotty: "Right...I've got a fix on your communicator....beaming up now" Jim: [Shouting to the occupants of the rapidly filling court room] "Bye folks.. sorry I couldn't stay for the trial..." [To his horror ...and extreme embarrassment, instead of dematerialising himself, a large potted plant standing four feet away begins to shimmer and fade away..] Jim: "Kirk to Enterprise!!!...SCOTTY!!..Just what the HELL do you think you're doing!!" Scotty: "....Captain...the transporter unit seems to have malfunctioned.." Jim: "So I gathered..." Scotty: "The crash must've shaken up the transporter beam targetting circuitry!!....." Jim: "Look...if I move four feet to the left to the spot where the plant was, and you leave the settings as they were then that should work shouldn't it?" Scotty: "Aye...that'll work....ok..move over now.....energising.." [Across on the far side of the courtroom a burly looking dwarf with a big axe shimmers and fades away........then re-materialises quickly...with a bemused look on his face] Scotty: "....Captain...this ISN'T working is it?" Jim: "You're right Scotty....get round here with some men and some big phasers and break me out pretty damn quick." Scotty: "....on my way sir" [The court room was full of locals now....hoping to see some justice dealt out to this yellow jerseyed maniac who stood nervously before them... In filed the council for the prosecution........but the seats allocated for the defence lawyers remained empty since Jim hadn't had any change in his pocket to make any phonecalls.........well..ok..he DID ...but no-one wanted to take up his case since a) It was hopeless anyway b) They'd been bribed quite generously by a tall white bearded old man with a pointy hat.] Jim: [Shouting out loud again] "I'D JUST LIKE TO STATE AT THIS POINT THAT I AM TOTALLY AND UTTERLY INNOCENT." [The court went momentarily quiet.....(possibly while its occupants rummaged in their bags for the rotting vegetables they had brought along)....Then the first of a hail of tomatoes and bits of turnip rained down on Jim amidst angry shouts and the copious blowing or raspberries] Clerk: "Order!..Order!...Will the court please come to order..." [In strode the judge...and took up his position at the head of the court.. ....Behind the dark shades and the ridiculous wig, Jim couldn't help thinking there was something vaguely familiar about him...] Judge: "Right Clerk...what's today's business?" Clerk: "Ahem...The Case Of Captain James Tiberius Kirk, on a charge of wilfully using warp drive in planetary atmosphere without due regard to the health consequences for the inhabitants of the said planet.i.e.This one" [A titter from the jury at Jim's middle name was quickly stifled by a stern glance from the Judge, who was clearly in no mood for frivolities] [Suddenly though, there was a thump and small white ball landed at Jim's feet....Never having been well known for forking out hard cash to buy balls of his own at the Enterprise's well equipped golf shop, Jim just couldn't pass up the chance of picking up a free ball....So he glanced round to check that no one was looking and pocketed the ball hurriedly] [Just then, two strange characters seemed to just walk through the wall of the court room....One wore a Hawaian shirt...and we'll call him Bob...because that was his name.....and the other trudged along behind him carrying a a huge..and very heavy looking golf bag..] Bob: "You sure it went this way...??" Caddy: "Yup....it was a pretty wayward tee shot I must say...Two more space-time dimensions to the right and you'd have been out of bounds." Bob: "...I know....it's about time I saw the pro. about correcting that vicious slice of mine.......Now where IS that ball..." [Jim sat tight....determined not to own up.....and he thought he'd get away with it too, until a host of fingers from the jury pointed accusingly in his direction] Bob: "Three wood please, caddy..." [Jim was about to hand over the ball when the club came down on his head with some force and he blacked out for a time...] Bob: "Hmmm...not a bad lie.....but what does the rule book say about playing out of court-rooms?" Caddy: [Leafing through his rule book] "..carrots...courgettes...ah!.. court-rooms....yes...Normally a penalty of one stroke would have to be added on...but wait...there's a special clause here: 'Any player hitting the defendent is entitled to a free drop within 2 clublengths of the point of impact'" Bob: "Ha!...what a piece of luck! ....Right...how far to the hole, caddy?" Caddy: "Five space-time dimensions to the left, and approximately 3 light years in vector magnitude" Bob: "Five iron?" Caddy: "Sounds about right to me..." [They play on and saunter off after the ball, again seemingly walking unhindered through the solid wall of the courtroom] Judge: [His mouth hanging open, and obviously incredulous at what he has just seen] "...Personally I think he under-clubbed that one..." Jim: [getting shakily to his feet, and nodding vigorously] "...I'd have played a four iron myself..." Clerk: "With all due respect m'lud I think we ought to start the trial..." Judge: "Certainly...the court is now in session....any questions from either side before we start? No?.....right ok...court adjourned for tea. Case will resume in fifteen minutes....thank you." [Hardly anyone notices the dull thud behind them as they file out of the courtroom.....] *****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....***** Will Jim's fainting spell mean that he misses out on tea and chocolate biscuits? Will Scotty turn up with the heavy artillery in time to get Jim out of his predicament? Was even a four iron not quite enough? All these questions and more will be answered in next week's episode of **VAX Trek: The Voyage Home** ****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: David 'Getting Desparate' Young Sandwiches designed by: GEC Tactical Weapons Systems Ltd. Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps. And thanks especially to our wonderful system security manager who has kindly overlooked this particular breach. Golf Consultant: Curtis 'Pretty Damn' Wierd. Special Thanks to: The Ops,CNBP01,CRAA15,CLIP07 CBAR28, and many others for their undying support for the author through his most troubled times, and for chipping in to pay for the psychiatric help. Anyone requiring the details of the sport of Interdimensional Golf should send for our fact-sheet, by writing to: Like Wow-Man, Interdimensional Golf, Gimme The LowDown, 15 North Underpant Avenue, Chiswick, LONDON. And enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Last week's questions: --------------------- 1. Will Jim's fainting spell mean that he misses out on tea and chocolate biscuits? Answer: YES 2. Will Scotty turn up with the heavy artillery in time to get Jim out of his predicament? Answer: NO 3. Was even a four iron not quite enough? Answer: NO, IT WASN'T ENOUGH. A THREE MIGHT HAVE DONE IT THOUGH. The first correct entry out of the bag was from: Mr.Sodoff Baldrick, 9 Trouser Down Way, Scruffington, England. And his chosen prize of a 16lb turnip will be sent off to him as soon as possible. Second prize goes to a Mr.Manuel Noriega, Cell 3, Florida State Penitentiary, 12 Buttercup Lane, Miami, Florida, USA. And he wins a complete boxed collection of Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits. Hope you appreciate them Manuel! ..Meanwhile, back at the ranch, :-) \|/ ___-___ o==o======= . . . . . -*--- -- -- =========== ||// /|\ \ \_|//__ :-) #_______/ :-) "Great shot Sulu!!!!" "Thanks captain" "...aagh!...look out!..there's three more closing in!" "...The Dylithium Crystals canna take any more cap'n!" "Shut up Scotty..." Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 4 --------- Dear Vaxtrek, I was most excited to see the brief appearance of the camel in episode 1. I have been an avid camel collector for over 20 years and am always on the look out for any glimpses of them I can possibly get. So imagine my joy when one appeared, albeit rather indistinctly in the background, in episode 1. My friends and I have argued for weeks over the exact type of camel you used.... [Jim groans, crumples up the letter and throws it on the ever growing pile next to him] [The last four weeks have been spent in the courtroom getting through various legal preliminaries to the actual trial....In the meantime, Jim had been glad of the 5 credits a week he had earned by taking up the part time job of letter reader for the Vaxtrek Editorial Office..but to be honest he was becoming a bit fed up with it now. It had at first been a relief from the boredom of sitting in the courtroom listening to the interminable legal proceedings going on before him .....Now, luckily this was drawing to a close and the real trial was about to begin....] Clerk: "....and that it may not be resold, lent, exchanged, or otherwise traded without the publisher's prior permission in any other cover other than that in which it was purchased, and that a similar condition be binding upon any subsequent purchaser, herein, outwith, aforementioned, or otherwise before next Thursday." Judge: "Are you SURE it says that? I'd like you to go over it again a bit more slowly if you could. Never could quite get the hang of all that legal speak." Clerk: [Looking a little exasperated] "YES!! I'm sure m'lud. With respect m'lud, I don't know how many times you've asked me to go over that in the last four weeks, but it's about time we got the trial started! If you weren't an eminent and respected judge of many years standing, I'd be tempted to say you're stalling for time for some reason....." [He hands the paperback copy of "Lady Chatterly's Lover" back to the Judge and sits down] Judge: "...uh..emm...Alright alright...keep your hair on. Commence the trial!" Jim: [Looking up, suddenly startled by the movement and bustle in the court] "Oh oh.....Looks like this is IT......" [Flicking open his communicator] "Kirk here, ...Scotty, I seem to remember contacting you about four weeks ago and very politely requesting you to get over here double quick to spring me out of this situation...Your excuse better be damn good..." Scotty: "......Sorry cap'n,..we thought you were just joking...You really MEANT it?" Jim: "......" Scotty: "You did mean it" Jim: "...what the blazes have you been doing for the last four weeks, man!! Surely it's not taken you that long to repair the ship?" Scotty: "Och aye captain, we repaired the ship weeks ago....we've been off on a couple of ..err..adventures since then..." Jim: [Seething] "You went on an adventure without me!!??!?!?! Just you wait till I get back to the ship...there's going to be trouble....Kirk out!" [He smashes the communicator against the wall and tosses it amongst the pile of crumpled letters. Scotty's voice crackles out briefly from the smashed communicator "..Spock's gone missing again by the way capt.." but ends abruptly when Jim's boot finishes it off] Clerk: "Commencing the case for the prosecution.." Gandalf: "Ahem!...The prosecution's case is brief and to the point. This man is GUILTY, and given the hopelessness of his position we fully expect him to plead GUILTY now and save us all a lot of bother. That concludes the case for the prosecution." [This was followed by a hard penetrating stare in Jim's direction which made him feel decidedly uneasy] Clerk: "I think at this point we should really ask the defendant how he pleads...." Judge: "I may be wrong here...but shouldn't we have done that at the beginning?" Clerk: "Yes yes...give me a chance ..this is the first time I've done all this.....anyway....How do you plead, oh guilty man who standeth before us, guiltily?" Jim: "....NOT GUILTY!!" [The court was in uproar!..The council for the prosecution were fighting amongst themselves, the locals were jeering and throwing vegetables again, and the clerk of the court was tearing his hair out in handfuls.] Clerk: [Once things had calmed down a little] "oh bloody 'ell!!!! Call the first witness for the defence!" Jim: "I didn't know I had any?" Clerk: "We..erm..found a few for you..." Jim: "Hey thanks!" [Jim starts smiling as things seem to be going better at last. With someone to support his defence he might just have a chance...though he couldn't quite work out why the council for the prosecution also seemed to be smiling again...] Clerk: "Call Mr.Arnold Johnson" Jim: [Thinking to himself] "hmmm...that name sounds familiar...." Clerk: "Right Mr.Johnson, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Johnson: "Nope" Clerk: "Thanks goodness for that. Tell us some lies about the defendant then." Johnson: "Right!..This young whippersnapper was the son of my next door neighbour Brad C. O'Flaherty..." Judge: "..emm..sorry for butting in here...but ..O'Flaherty??, you mean Kirk surely?" Johnson: "Look, I was paid good money to lie about the defendant, so I had to slip one in there......Not that I need to make anything up about THIS character...." Jim: "Damn...this is going badly....I've had it when he gets round to telling them about the...." Johnson: "...The matter which sticks most in my mind was the time when Kirk here managed to 'accidentally' burn down my home one Christmas Eve as we were all sleeping peacefully in our beds..." [Cries of "Shame!" and "Hang him! Hang him!" went up all round the court] Johnson: [Now in tears] "...and I can never forgive myself for the day I let him take my only daughter out for the evening.....She came back in a coffin....then he killed my dog Snuffles in a shooting 'accident', ran my wife over in his car, and landed me up in jail for 25 years for attempted murder...." [Things were looking bad for Jim...VERY bad....It was looking like he had finally met his end...a public hanging....what could possibly save him now?...] Judge: "What about a legal technicality?" [..yes that'd do....But the combined legal prowess in the room at the time fell short of that possessed by a squirrel...What's more, none of them were on Jim's side....or were they..] Judge: [Who had been furiously studying a little book entitled "Beginner's Guide to Legal Practice" for the last ten minutes] "I've had enough of this. I will hear no more!" [A cheer went up around the court as the crowd sensed Jim's sentence was about to be delivered] Judge: "On a legal technicality I am obliged to drop all charges against the defendent.....The witness for the defence MUST be cross examined by the defence council...This was not carried out properly so I'm afraid all this doesn't count...sorry...collect your hanging ticket refunds from the clerk of the court..thank you." [The court was in uproar! (Not for the first time that day. If you don't believe me see earlier on) The judge ducked under his desk as a tomato splattered on the wall behind him.] [Jim felt someone tugging at his arm...] Judge: "They're all getting highly illogical....let's get out of here!" Jim: [Giving him a big slobbery kiss...yucko!] "Spock!" Spock: "Yuuuech!...come on!!! there's not much time...." [by some miracle they manage to make their way safely out of the courtroom through the crowds of angry locals (Well ok..the miracle was actually due to Spock's phaser which was more than a match for the tomatoes and cabbages being wielded by the locals...EVEN in close hand to hand skirmishes). Not far off they spot Scotty waiting patiently with two red jerseyed guards] Jim: "We better make this realistic..." [He grabs Spock's phaser and shoots the two guards dead] Scotty: "There's no time for frills!...Come on!..ready to beam up? yes..ok..." [They materialise back aboard the Enterprise which then rapidly leaves orbit and heads for deep space] Jim: "What was the big hurry?" Spock: "THAT!" [He points at the viewing screen. Behind them the planet explodes impressively, momentarily dazzling their eyes with the colourful pyrotechnics.] Scotty: "We spent the last four weeks planting charges all over the planet...so you see we weren't exactly twiddling our thumbs." Jim: [Slapping them both on the back] "Good work!" Scotty: [A little embarrassed] "..though not strictly in accordance with the Prime Directive, eh?" Jim: "The WHAT???" [They all burst out laughing...which is a nice, if rather cliched, place to end this episode] ***** MORE VAX TREK SOON.....***** ****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: David 'Getting Desparate' Young Rotten Vegetables By: Bacterial action Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps. And thanks especially to our wonderful system security manager who has kindly overlooked this particular breach. Special Thanks to: The Ops,CNBP01,CRAA15,CLIP07 CBAR28, and many others for their undying support for the author through his most troubled times, and for chipping in to pay for the psychiatric help. Legal Consultant: We didn't have one. Did you notice? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ...A crippled Enterprise limps along in search of a friendly starbase... seeking repair facilities, and the opportunity for Jim to beam aboard his subscription to "Home Beer Making Monthly" ___-___ o=== =========== ||_ \ \_|//__ -)\______/ Scotty: "Where's this starbase then???" Sulu: "Emmm..." Scotty: "...YOU'RE the damned navigator!...can't you FIND it???" Sulu: "...." Scotty: "...silly question, obviously.." Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 6 --------- Dear VAXTREK!, I'm *BLOODY* angry!....The whole premise of vax trek 20 (episode 5 of "The Voyage Home") was absolutely LUDICROUS! Do you expect us to believe that a character, such as Arnold Johnson can simply "turn himself into a pencil" at will??? This was obviously done just to suit your pathetic, unimaginative, stupid attempt at a storyline. My wife Muriel and I have been married for 25 years, have a small dog called Jeremy, and live in a pleasant suburban setting, with ample shopping facilities and easy access to main trunk roads...and we can categorically state that we have NEVER, I repeat NEVER, heard of anyone in our street who has been able to turn himself or herself into a pencil of ANY description...let alone that which you so cynically described in your last putrid episode. You can take it from me that I will no longer be continuing my VAXTREK subscription. Yours, in disgust, Livid, of Bolton. p.s. My wife and I were privileged to be taken on a tour through a large scale mock-up of Spock's trousers on our last visit to our local Activity-Theme-Fun-Park, and can testify that there was no suggestion of ANY "squalid" conditions whatsoever. Surely another telling piece of evidence in my assertion that your last episode was very badly researched, and conceived? It is always our intent at the VAXTREK Editorial Office to give our readers the opportunity to express their views "on-air" as it were...Thus we published Mr. "Livid"'s letter however much we disagreed with his rather extreme stand-point. Here is the reply we would like to make to Mr. "Livid" in our defence. Dear Mr. "Livid", You snivelling little git! We're coming round to your "pleasant suburban setting" to rip your bloody head off! Yours obligingly, The VAXTREK Editorial TEAM. Here is the same letter after our public relations division made a couple of modifications to it: Dear Mr. "Livid", How delighted we were to receive your very interesting letter concerning VAXTREK 20. The point you raise is indeed a fascinating one. There was in fact a logical explanation for Arnold Johnson's ability to turn into a pencil. If you refer to page 56 of the "VAXTREK Episode Writer's Guide" (which we have enclosed, with our compliments) you'll see character background details for Arnold Johnson. In this it mentions his membership of an ancient society known as "Gerald's Gang". This secret society was started by a London gangland boss called Gerald 'The Slasher' Morgan, who had a long running fascination for the practice of obscure Tibetan magic rituals (After a hard day's murder, robbery and extortion a man needs a relaxing pastime). Anyway, Arnold Johnson was a fully paid-up member of Gerald's Gang, and through years of intense study had attained a very high degree of expertise in the use of the more powerful spells from the sacred Tibetan magic spell book. Arnold Johnson was a "Supreme Foorgle Zinger (level 24, Thursdays after 6pm)" to use his full title. Tibetan magic has long been scorned because of its apparent uselessness...Indeed some of the lower level spells are frankly ...well...pathetic, really. Arnold Johnson himself soon tired of being able to turn frogs into toads, make salt look like sugar, and deaden the smell of a pile of manure. The REALLY powerful spells were what he strove for: The ability to magically cause cats and other small mammalian creatures within a radius of 40 yards to explode spontaneously... The ability to convert gold into ANY less valuable substance. The ability to knock up a chocolate milkshake by simply glancing in a strange manner at a glass of milk. The ability to turn a car, van, or large articulated lorry into a side road... ...And last...but not least, of course...the ability to magically transform himself into a pencil. So we hope, that in part at least, Mr. "Livid", this goes some way towards answering your original query. Should you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to contact us again. Yours obligingly, The VAXTREK Editorial TEAM. Now on to the main feature: --------------------------- Jim: [Whirling round in surprise..] "What the...." [Standing in the turbolift door is Arnold Johnson, now in human rather than pencil form, and menacingly pointing a phaser in Jim's direction] Arnold: "That's right Kirk!..it's me...I've got you at last....there's no escape now...." Jim: "Ha!....we'll see about that..." [He leafs through the draft versions of next week's episode for some hint of reassurance.....and his smile turns abruptly to a very worried frown] Arnold: "Something troubling you Kirk!..ha ha!" Jim: [trembling slightly] ".....emmm....there must be some mistake here..... I don't appear to be in next week's episode...." Arnold: "You've FINALLY met your come-uppance Kirk......you're actually going to DIE!!..cackle cackle..." Jim: [almost in tears now..] "I cannot believe this...I just cannot believe it..." [He clutches dramatically at his chest and falls to the floor in a very convincing faint...Arnold Johnson is momentarily thrown off guard and steps back uncertainly into the turbolift...] Spock: "NOW Sulu!" [In a flash, Sulu draws his phaser and fires off a bolt into the turbolift narrowly missing Johnson as he struggles with the lift controls. The door snaps shut just as Sulu lets off another blast ...which then ricochets around the bridge rather terrifyingly for a few seconds .... demolishing a couple of seats, and narrowly grazing Jim's prone form.] Spock: "Sulu!..STOP FIRING NOW!!!!" Sulu: "Yessir.." Spock: "Jim? Are you alright?" Jim: "Sure Spock!...except for this burn mark across my buttocks!" [He glances reproachfully at Sulu, who's studiously examining the remains of his navigation seat] Spock: "A very well worked plan, dare I say Jim....Lulling your opponent into a false sense of security like that...The idea of making him think you weren't in next week's episode must've really made him believe he finally had you!...brilliant!" Jim: "...Ahem yes.....except for the fact that I AM NOT in next week's damned episode!!....But we'll sort that out later...Now we better corner this madman...." [He returns to his seat and flicks a switch] Jim: "Security.....Kirk here....I want patrols on all decks...we've got an intruder aboard ship....Let me know when you've got him cornered." Security: "Aye aye sir" Jim: "Oh and get someone to come up here with a spare pair of trousers from my cabin......Kirk out" [Ten Minutes later] Captain's Log, Stardate Seven Sixty, Point Three Six...and a bit: ---------------------------------------------------------------- I've got a new pair of trousers on and they're feeling pretty tight and uncomfortable, I must say. However, I do like the pockets on this particular pair because they've got little zip fasteners on them and you can put small things in them and be sure that they won't ever fall out and get lost. This is often a worry with my more usual pair of trousers.....which are now consigned to the trash-recycler in view of a rather large and suspicious burn mark across the backside. Supplementary Note: ------------------ We've got a murderer at large on the lower decks somewhere...security have the situation in hand. Just awaiting word from them when they've finally cornered the damned lunatic. [A voice comes over the bridge speakers] Security: "Security to bridge........." Jim: "Kirk here...go ahead" Security: "We've successfully captured those two Italian crew members you wanted to talk to.....Nickedyatelli and Videonasti, pending investigations into illegal jersey dealing on the lower decks" Jim: "That was WEEKS ago I asked you to bring them to me...and you're telling me that you've only just found them??" Security: "Come on..be fair....our resources are pretty badly stretched down here in Security, Captain....We've got a heavy workload of on-going investigations....and our staffing levels are very variable to say the least....." Jim: "That's no excuse!...You can take it from me that I'll be initiating some investigations of my own into gross inefficiency in the Security section, once this current crisis has been resolved... and I trust that you'll now place some degree of priority on apprehending this murderer we've got at large on the ship!... Kirk OUT!!" Security: "oh bugger...." Jim: "What was that, Security?" Security: "oh..eh...nothing sir....Security out..." Jim: [Turning to Spock] "What a pathetic bunch of idiots we've got down there!...Remind me to follow up on that investigation which I threatened them with.....They need a good shake-up" Spock: "Good idea Jim...." Jim: "No doubt it'll be another 4 weeks before they track down Arnold Johnson" Spock: "How about a little game while we're waiting?" Jim: "A game???...of what??" Spock: "..I believe you call it 'I-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye'...but we call it F'r-kyeen-kerip on Vulcan" Jim: "...oh alright...why not....you start then" Spock: "ee-F'r-kyeen-kerip-ya ....err sorry...I expect I better play in English.... I spy with my little eye....something beginning with 'T'" Jim: "....Spock...this better not be the word beginning with 'T' that I think it is.. or else you're going to be shouted at and sent to your cabin at once...and you'll get no supper.." [Spock sighs, gets up out of his seat and makes for the turbolift...thus cleverly avoiding being shouted at] Jim: ".....I think I can see why they call it F'r-kyeen-kerip....And if he DARES mention Tribbles again I'm leaving him ashore at the next starbase....and that's a promise!" Sulu: "...." Jim: "Shut up, Sulu" Sulu: "But......" Jim: "Don't disturb me until Johnson's been caught!!...." [He settles down in his seat and is soon snoring away happily. Meanwhile on the lower decks Security have 'got the finger out' and are mounting the biggest operation in their history....well...the biggest operation since the great Deck 4 Betting Syndicate was broken up in a series of early morning raids conducted by Security personnel dressed in cleaning operative's outfits.......Significant as much for the latter detail as for the overall success of the operation, since any excuse to get out of a Red jersey was worth 10 weeks of careful planning, training and full dress rehearsal dummy runs...] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tune in again soon for the next thrilling installment of VAXTREK VIII... "The Voyage Home" ****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: DJY Unfair criticism by: Bruce "The Dodger" Rodger Hats by: The Hat shop. Jerseys by: The Jersey shop. Rude letters by: Mr. H. Livid, (now deceased). ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: cnbr10@vaxa.strath.ac.uk Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.startrek,eunet.jokes,rec.humor Subject: VAXTREK 22: *NEW* Summary: Jim has a dream Message-ID: <1991Apr15.084901.11379@vaxa.strath.ac.uk> Date: 15 Apr 91 08:49:01 GMT Followup-To: poster Organization: Strathclyde University VAX Cluster Lines: 423 Hot off the presses....VAXTREK 22 .....the continuing story of...well... the format's pretty clear by now ... If anyone wants any or all of the previous parts then contact me at: cnbr10@uk.ac.strath.vaxa ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The story so far: Escaping from deadly peril at the hands of Ming the Merciless by stealing one of his rocket ships, Dale Arden and Dr.Zarkov rush to the aid of Flash Gordon who has been imprisoned by the Clay People. If their demands for the establishment of a fully autonomous free state are not met they are threatening to set fire to three sheep which they stole from their neighbours; the Grassy-Plain-Dwelling-Agriculture-Based- Rudimentary-Market-Produce-Economy People who are peace loving, prosperous and, even more infuriatingly, much less ugly than either the Clay People, the Swamp People, or the Hawk Men. In addition a large spiked contraption suspended from the ceiling above Flash will be activated causing untold physical damage to our hero and ruining his costume beyond all hope of repair. Meanwhile in another part of the Universe where the special effects are slightly better: o==== ___-___ o=== . . // =========== ||_ \ \_|//__ . . . . . . . . . -)\______/ Scotty: "We must be going round in circles...here comes the bit that fell off the other week..." Sulu: "....Ha! How on earth could we be going round in circles???" Scotty: "....Could it have something to do with that big button you're leaning on, Sulu?" Sulu: "Oops..." [He lifts his elbow, and the ship resumes a straight course once more...eventually passing through the usual opening credits and hence allowing the main action to re-commence.....] Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 7 --------- Jim: [Waking up and yawning] "....Any word from Security yet?" Spock: "I'm afraid not, Captain...Still nothing...There's no sign of Johnson at all" Jim: "Well I'm not staying here any longer ....I'm going to my cabin for a proper sleep" Spock: "That's a good idea, Sir.....By the way...have you noticed you appear to be in this week's episode after all." Jim: "Hmmmm.....so I am...." [Looking about suspiciously] "Hey wait a minute, are you sure you lot haven't done an extra episode while I was asleep there?" Spock: "I can assure you, Captain that we would never consider doing any episodes without your full participation" Jim: "Hmmm..alright ...I'll see you later....and don't do anything of any interest while I'm away" Spock: "We won't" Jim: "Promise?" Spock: "We promise.....Don't we Sulu?" Sulu: "Yes Sir, we promise" [Jim makes for the turbolift. Three minutes later he is in his cabin. After posting a "DO NOT DISTURB" notice and securing the door, he settles down in his bunk and is soon fast asleep once more....] [Meanwhile back on the bridge, Spock is hatching a plan....This could be construed as "something of interest", and hence in breach of the promise made to his now snoring Captain. But of course all Spock's mysterious plans always turn out to be to the ultimate good of the ship and crew in the end so we'll let him off with it.] [Sulu is also doing something of interest, inevitably to the ultimate detriment of the ship and crew, but we'll let him off on compassionate grounds.] [.....Some hours later...Jim awakes to be confronted by a strange apparition in his cabin..] Jim: "What the...." [At the end of his bed stands a giant chicken....] Chicken: [In a loud booming voice] "James T.Kirk....James T.Kirk....Hear what I have to say..." Jim: [Trembling slightly] "Y..Y..Y..Yes....??" Chicken: "I come to you with three messages which you must heed" Jim: "Hey..aren't you Foghorn Leghorn, the famous cartoon character?" Chicken: [Angered at the interruption] "NO!...I am simply a giant chicken .....now LISTEN!!" Jim: "..I'm listening..I'm listening..." Chicken: "The first message is this: Do not scorn the advice of the one who hears by differing means" Jim: "...eh?...what's that supposed to mean???" Chicken: [Ignoring Jim's interruption] "The second is this: Your adversary is to be found where the flowers grow" Jim: "...hmm..I think I can just about understand that one....Johnson... he's in the Horticultural Rec.Room, isn't he?" Chicken: [Continuing without reply to Jim's query] "And the final message: The towels are not what they seem" Jim: "...Can't you talk in anything but riddles?!?..that's ridiculous!.. it makes NO sense at all.....hey...come back!" Chicken: "Fare well, Kirk, and heed these three messages well!" [The chicken vanishes] Jim: [Incredulously] "...Well bugger me!...you don't see that very often... I wonder what it all meant???" [He heads off for the bridge] Jim: "Spock...Spock!...I've just had the wierdest dream!" Spock: "Really?" Jim: "Yes there was this giant chi.....there was this giant....emmm....there was this guy....and he came up to me and gave me three pieces of information....All in riddles....." Spock: "I see....." [raising an eyebrow in the usual manner] Jim: "Listen...it's important!....The only one I could work out was that Johnson is hiding in the level 3 horticultural rec.room" Spock: "I'll send a security team down there straight away then....Excuse me one moment........Security..." Security: "Yo!" Spock: "Yo?..." Security: "I mean....yes sir?" Spock: "Get a team down to the level 3 horticultural rec. room and seal off the area. We believe Johnson might be holed up in there somewhere...and be careful...he's probably armed..and he's certainly dangerous.." Security: "Roger...over and out" Spock: "Please continue captain" Jim: "...And the other messages: 'The towels are not what they seem', and.. 'Do not scorn the advice of the one who hears by differing means'" Spock: [Raising the other eyebrow] "Most peculiar..." Jim: "Any ideas?" Spock: "I'm afraid not, sir..." Sulu: "Spock's got funny ears..." Jim: [Losing his temper suddenly] "Shut up Sulu!...Your inane comments are not welcome!...especially when they are blatantly insulting to Mr.Spock here!" Spock: "Let him finish captain....he may be on to something..." Sulu: "....I mean, Spock's ears are different to ours....and ears are what you hear with....so he hears by differing means" Jim: "I hardly think it's THAT simple, Sulu....." Spock: "On the contrary, I think he's right" Jim: "eh?...oh well...it's the best theory we have so far.....I guess it means we've to listen to your advice on some important matter" Spock: "It would appear so..." Jim: "But the last one....about the towels....wierd!..." Spock: "I expect the meaning will become apparent when the time is right" Jim: "Hmmm...I hope so...it's annoying me though.....where's Checkov? I really feel like punching someone to give vent to my frustrations.....besides this episode really needs a fist fight to perk up the ratings" [However, he decides to do the captain's log instead] Captain's Log, Stardate Seven Sixty, Point Three Seven-Niner... --------------------------------------------------------------- I have experienced a strange visitation from a [whispering] giant chicken [returning to normal speaking voice] which gave three coded messages to me. So far we have deciphered two of them, but the third still eludes us. As a result of one of these messages a security team has been sent to the level 3 horticultural rec.room, and I'm now waiting for them to report back. Captain's Log - Supplementary ----------------------------- This is NO substitute for punching Checkov. Sulu: "Did you say something about a giant chicken there, sir?" Jim: "errr....no...of course not!!...ahem.." [regaining his composure] "You should be reminded in future not to listen in on Captain's Log entries!" Sulu: "Sorry sir...it won't happen again...it's just I thought you said something about a giant chi.." [He stops short due to a threatening look from the captain] Security: "Security to bridge..." Jim: "Go ahead..." Security: "We've cornered Johnson in the rec.room...he's holed up behind a shrubbery, and he's got Nurse Chappell hostage" Jim: "...Groan..That's ALL we need......Spock...Sulu...follow me!...Security ...we're on our way!!" [They all head off the bridge at a run, and almost knock over Bones as he emerges from the turbolift] Bones: "Dammit Jim...." Jim: "Come on Bones...we've cornered Johnson......he's got Nurse Chappell though..." Bones: "This I've GOT to see...." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tune in again soon for the next thrilling installment of VAXTREK VIII... "The Voyage Home" And now: A new supplementary feature spawned by our readers' ever eager thirst for more information about the Enterprise and its crew: Jim and Brian's Guide To The Enterprise, No.1 - The Deck 4 Toilet Complex --------------------------------------------- ------------------------- A furious reader wrote in last week saying simply: Don't the crew EVER go to the toilet!??!? I remember in my North Africa campaign, my men had to go to the toilet quite regularly and it severely dented my chances at El Alamein. Yours enquiringly, E.Rommel (Field Marshall, Mrs.) To answer your question Mrs. Rommel, Jim and Brian will this week show us round the main toilet complex on the ship. Sit back and enjoy: ----------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: "Spock, I've just remembered we've got that special feature to do this week" Spock: "Hmm...that's right!....I'd almost forgotten about it amidst all the excitement" Jim: "Sulu....Bones...you head for the rec.room and wait for us there. Spock and I have a small matter to attend to..." Bones: "Where are you going, Jim?" Jim: "Deck 4 Toilet Complex" Bones: "Oh I see......Look Jim, if the thought of confronting Johnson is having that effect perhaps I can prescribe something for you?..." Jim: "...I think you misunderstand me, Bones" Bones: "Jim, I'm your Doctor.....digestive complaints are my speciality" Jim: "Bones, I'm fine!" Bones: [Sceptically] "If you say so..." [Bones and Sulu hop off the turbolift at deck 3 and say their goodbye's. Sulu promises to write or at least send a postcard or something...but is assured by Spock that this is unnecessary as they will only be parted for half an hour or so.] [Emerging from the turbolift, Jim and Spock amble down the corridor towards the toilet complex] Jim: "Incidentally Spock, I never knew your first name was Brian" Spock: [Looking decidedly unhappy] "Hmm....I WAS trying to keep it a secret..." Jim: "Oh sorry old friend......Hey look!...here comes Checkov" Checkov: "Hello keptin.....what are you...unnnnngh" [Checkov crumples to the deck] Jim: [Casually examining his hand and flexing his fingers] "Ahhhh..... that's better..." Spock: [Flicking open his communicator] "Sickbay....send down a stretcher to deck 4....main corridor.....Ensign Checkov requires urgent medical attention" [They walk on...] Jim: "Ah..here we are at last...Will I do the talk this week or would you prefer to?" Spock: "You do it sir" Jim: "Well folks....here we are on deck 4 at the main toilet complex. A very important facility on board a starship with a crew of several hundred, who contrary to popular belief DO require to pay a visit from time to time. Hey what a piece of luck!....Here comes Johnny 'Flusher' Smith...who's responsible for the whole complex. He's the very man to answer our questions." Johnny: "Hello Captain, what can I do for you, if you pardon the expression?" Jim: "Ha..always the joker, eh Johnny?....Actually I was wondering if you'd give the folks a run down on the day to day running of the complex?" Johnny: "Sure Captain.....Well folks, it's a busy little operation we're running down here. I get approximately 200 customers per day. We use and recycle 500 gallons of water in that time, and get through a mile of paper in a week....or 1.7048E-13 light years in astronomical terms" Jim: "Quite an operation!.....And the place always looks so clean and well kept" Johnny: "Well thank you, Captain....I pride myself on running an efficient set up" Jim: "Of course the toilet complex fulfils another valuable role doesn't it Johnny?" Johnny: "That's right sir....the ship's secret door 'sheeshing' mechanism is housed here" Jim: "Which cistern's it hidden behind this week, Johnny?" Johnny: "I can't divulge that sir...that's classified information." Jim: [Smiling] "Just testing Johnny...just testing!...well done!" Johnny: "Can't be too careful you know sir....What the Klingons would give to get their hands on that technology!...There's already been one attempt to steal it, as you know..." Jim: [Glancing around and noticing something odd by the wash-hand basins] "Emmm....Johnny?....Couldn't help noticing something funny about the...towels..." Johnny: "Hmmm..I know I've just noticed it too.....they're looking very fluffy aren't they....nice assortment of colours this week" Jim: "It's not that....it's the strange way they roll up into balls from time to time and move about making squeaking noises...." Johnny: "Hmm..That IS strange isn't it..." Spock: "The towels are not what they seem" Jim: "Eh? what? ah! The third message!...That's it!....The towels SEEM to be tribbles....but the message says they're not...which is just as well because we all know there are NO TRIBBLES ON THIS SHIP!... don't we Spock?..Spock??? ....Brian???" [Jim sighs and flicks open his communicator] Jim: "Kirk to sickbay....send someone down to the deck 4 toilet complex.. Spock's fainted...." ****************************************************************************** Credits: Written by: DJY Using characters from: The ASCII character set Where the characters were really stolen from: Big Uncle Gene Unfair criticism by: Bruce "The Dodger" Rodger The French word for "Plumbing": la Plomberie Please direct all queries and letters of complaint to: The VAXTrek Editorial Office, care of: cnbr10@uk.ac.strath.vaxa Any letters published will win a FREE life subscription to VAXTrek (normal recommended retail price: free) for their sender. _______________________________________________________________________________ /~\ Never Trust An | CNBR10 Corp., VAX/VMS and UNIX Consultants /@@-\____--- Elephant In | "Pay up or we send the boys round to wipe / / / \ Dark Glasses. | your system disk" l/'\ /__\ /\, | \l lll lll | Service with a smile. :-) __~_"""___"""__________________________________________________________________ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The story so far: Flash Gordon lies strapped to a table deep within the Clay People's subterranean dwelling. Normally he wouldn't mind, but overhead is suspended a fearsome spiked contraption ..poised at any moment to fall upon our erstwhile and confused hero. Confused not because he doesn't know what "erstwhile" means, but instead because he is slightly unsure whether he should in fact be Buck Rogers...and whether the Clay People are authentic inhabitants of Mongo or Mars... Then a terrible thought enters his mind...Could it be that he is actually Crash Corrigan???..Surely not......But suddenly all such fears are dispelled as into the cave bursts Dale Arden and Dr. Zarkov. .....inside a Ming rocket ship....Skewered on its long pointed nose are three surprised looking seagulls, a hedgehog and two clay people who had clearly been interrupted doing something strange in a chamber several levels above. Emerging from the ship, Dale and Dr.Zarkov rush to free Flash from his bonds..... "Thanks Dale!...You got here in the nick of time.....Hey Doc?", said Flash. "Yes?" replied Dr.Zarkov.. "Duh...what does 'erstwhile' mean?", asked Flash. \ / |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | ___-___ o=== . . | | =========== ||_ | | \ \_|//__ . . . . . | | -)\______/ | \_____________/^\______________________/ /@@'\------. / /|/ \ 'l/'\ /__\ /\, \l lll lll ~ """ """ Scotty: "ha ha ha!..listen to this everyone!...Sulu's got this theory that the Universe is actually a huge fish tank carried on the back of a giant elephant!" Oh get on with it....or I'll call the police. Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 8 --------- Captain's Log, Stardate Seven Sixty, Point Three Eight Zero... --------------------------------------------------------------- I'm proceeding to the Horticultural rec.room where Nurse Chappell is being held hostage by the renegade, Johnson. Spock and Checkov have been taken to sickbay for treatment. Hopefully now that the tribbles found posing as towels in the toilet complex have been ejected, Spock can finally be cured of his delusion that there are any left aboard ship. One mystery remains unsolved: who or WHAT....was the giant chicken that came to my cabin? and what was its aim in providing me with the three cryptic messages? [Arriving at the rec.room] Jim: "Ok Bones...what's the situation?" Bones: "Johnson and Nurse Chappell are in good cover just behind the shrubbery over there.....He's got a phaser.....We think it's set to kill..." Jim: "How do you know that?" Bones: [Pointing to two bodies nearby] "...well...guard Johnson, and guard..Johnson haven't woken up yet......and dammit Jim if you want a medical opinion, I don't think they're going to" Jim: "eh?..why are they called Johnson?!?!" Bones: "Most of the guards are called that...hadn't you noticed?" Jim: "But this is confusing...Johnson is called Johnson too....how do we know who's on our side?" Bones: "Well clearly sergeant Johnson here and guards Johnson, Johnson, McCoist, Hateley, and Johnson over there are on our side, whereas Johnson behind the shrubbery isn't" Jim: "...right ok....I THINK I've got that roughly.....ok..listen...here's my plan: All we need to do is send someone down the far wall to draw his fire....probably one of the Johnson's will do... then....while Johnson is occupied.....yes what is it?" Bones: "Excuse me Jim..Which Johnson do you mean? Johnson-behind-the-shrubbery or Johnson-running-down-the-far-wall-and-getting-shot-at?" Jim: "....Johnson-behind-the-shrubbery of course!..." Bones: "ah...right....please continue..." Jim: "ok..while he's occupied.....we come round in a sort of one pincered pincer movement and rush him" Bones: "It's a suicidal plan, Jim, ....we'll all be killed unless we're major characters wearing the right type of jersey" Jim: "...and??" Bones: "...and? ....oh I see..yes of course...and we ARE!" Jim: "You got it Bones...Now...Sergeant Johnson?" Johnson: "Yessir?" Jim: "I want you to set off down the far wall and draw Johnson's fire.. and for god's sake man...be careful not to step on the flowerbeds" Johnson: "Yessir" Jim: "Right off you go....." [A hail of phaser fire comes bursting from the shrubbery as Johnson sets off at a run... skirting the wall..and the flowerbeds] Jim: "Ok..ready everyone?" Bones: "Wait Jim!..Johnson's been shot..." Jim: "Damn!....ok..keep calm..hold positions everyone...We'll need to send someone else ....Guard Johnson?" Johnson: "Yessir?" Jim: "I know the Sergeant would be proud of you boy....so do this just for him.....down the wall....draw Johnson's fire...ok? chop chop.." Johnson: "Yes SIR!...for the sergeant!" [Saluting eagerly] [He sets off....to be greeted by a volley of phaser fire] Jim: "Ok everyone get ready..." Bones: "Johnson just bought it too..." [Ten minutes later...] Jim: [Sighing] "OK Bones..who's left?" Bones: "...well we ran out of Johnsons 3 minutes ago....then McCoist and Hateley bought it when you tried that subtle two pronged attack.. with them both weaving in and out of the cabbages" Jim: "So basically it's you, me and Sulu?" Bones: "Dammit Jim...you're right" Jim: "There's only one thing for it then....." Bones: "We all go?" Jim: "No...we send Sulu..." Sulu: "What was that?" Jim: "Sulu, it's very simple....we want you to.." Sulu: "Run down the far wall...and draw Johnson's fire..." Jim: "Right!....and if you want you can weave about a bit...It might help.." Sulu: [Looking a bit happier at the prospect of being able to weave about a bit] "Yes ok, I suppose so, sir" Jim: "Off you go then..." [Sulu sets off and manages to dodge the first few phaser shots...but suddenly all goes quiet again...] Bones: "Gulp.....the shooting's stopped...Sulu's been blasted too!" [They look up though from their cover...and to their surprise see Sulu skipping on down towards Johnson who's now standing up fiddling frantically with his phaser which is obviously now out of charge...] Jim: "Tally ho Bones!...let's get him!" [Jim and Bones make a mad rush towards Johnson, but before they reach him and flatten him, Sulu has already doubled up their adversary with two swift karate hits to well chosen vulnerable locations] Johnson: "oooomph!! ...unnnngh.....eeek!" [thud] Jim: "Well done Sulu!....I never thought you had it in you....or to be more precise I always thought you were a completely useless idiot!" Sulu: [proudly] "Thank you captain" Jim: "Don't mention it.......Ok...let's get this mess cleared up.. Kirk to Security...get some men down here to take Johnson away. Kirk Out...." [He thinks for a moment] "Kirk to Gardening Section.." Gardening Section: "Gardening here, Sir" Jim: "I want you to get your men down to the level 3 Horticultural rec.room.. I'm afraid we've got a few trampled flowerbeds and vegetable plots needing dealt with....Can you handle it?" Gardening Section: "Right away sir...Gardening out" Nurse Chappell: "Hey! what about me?" Bones: "What ABOUT you?" Nurse Chappell: "Aren't you going to ask me how I am?" Bones: "Dammit woman!..all you can think about is yourself!...Get back to the sickbay...We've got two patients needing your attention!" [As security men appear to take away Johnson, and the green jerseyed men of the Gardening Section begin to arrive with their trowels, Jim, Bones and Sulu head for the rec.room exit] Jim: [Clapping Bones and Sulu on the back] "Ah....a job well done don't you think?" Bones: "Not quite...give me your phaser, Jim...." [Bones turns round and blasts the shrubbery to smithereens...then wanders off after Nurse Chappell muttering something about retaining walls...and "Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a bricklayer"] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tune in again soon for the next thrilling installment of VAXTREK VIII... "The Voyage Home" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim and Brian's Guide To The Enterprise, No.2 - The Holodeck --------------------------------------------- ------------ Jim: "Apparently some of our readers have been watching some new fangled series called 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' and are wondering if our Enterprise has a similar 'holo-deck' facility..." Spock: "Interesting question...Perhaps we should put it to Mr.Scott?" Jim: "Good idea......Scotty, have we got a holo-deck?" Scotty: [Thinking for a moment] "Ah!..Aye Cap'n...Follow me..it's on deck 6" [Six minutes later....somewhere on deck 5] [Sorry..that should be Five minutes later...somewhere on deck 6] Scotty: "Here we are, sir.." [Putting his ear to the floor and tapping] "It's definately hollow....." Jim: [Slapping his hand to his forehead in a gesture of despair] Scotty: "But I thought you knew about it anyway.....Remember we used the hidden compartments beneath the floor when we ran 'shine back in '35 during the Galactic Prohibition.... Ah! The good old days!...on the Regula IV to Inebrius Alpha run.. when we used to outrun police ships at warp 8...and get a pretty penny for your home-brew at the markets on Inebrius!...." Jim: "Ssssshh!!!!" Scotty: "It's ok sir...it's legal NOW....." Jim: "That's beside the point Scotty!.....That was all supposed to be kept a secret!!!" Scotty: "....ach Cap'n I'm sorry...Just the thought of a wee dram sets ma tongue a waggin'" [Spock raises an eyebrow] Jim: "..ahem!......never mind...never mind...let's just forget it..." Spock: "It would appear then that we do not have a holo-deck facility aboard ship. Is that correct Mr. Scott?" Scotty: "Ach you're right, I'm afraid....At the last refit we could've had it installed if our computer had the latest operating system version loaded......but Sulu botched up the order for the upgrade and we got 300 boxes of pink thermal long-johns delivered instead." Jim: "I won't even BEGIN to think how he managed that..." Scotty: "However....the good news is, computer is now fully upgraded and should be capable of supporting holo-deck facilities. It'll take a bit of work...but I think I can have something ready for you by next week..." Jim: "You're a marvel Scotty!....Next week then?...Good!" ***Full fab. details of the holo-deck in next week's special edition of*** ***"Jim and Brian's Guide To The Enterprise"! *** ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now some feedback on last week's special feature: Dear VAXTrek, Thank you very much indeed for last week's detailed exposition on the ship's toilet complex. I am much happier now in the knowledge that your crew do indeed possess normal bodily functions, and this in turn has convinced me that my loss at Alamein was not in fact avoidable. Yours, E.Rommel (Field Marshall, Mrs.) Dear VAXTrek, It may interest you to know that the great expense in technical effort which you have incurred by installing a toilet complex in your ship could have been avoided through use of simple hypnotic techniques. I taught such techniques to my troops at El Alamein and they were able to go without the toilet for months on end, hence increasing our battle effectiveness and ensuring ultimate victory. Yours informatively, Field Marshall Monty "Monty" Montgomery, Commander in Chief, British 8th Army, North Africa HQ. p.s. We did incur a small number of casualties through men exploding rather messily from time to time. Our camp surgeon seemed convinced that it was caused by chronic liquid accumulation in the body, but I assured him it was more likely to do with the high explosive shells the enemy were firing at us. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------- And now some more reader's letters: ----------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. D.Boyce, of Farnborough writes: Dear VAXTrek, I utterly REFUSE to waste valuable time, paper and ink writing to you, simply because I KNOW that you will in some way ridicule me in front of millions of people. Therefore I have taken the decision NOT to write this letter and NOT to send it to you, so that you have no chance whatsoever of making a fool of me. Yours Indignantly, D.Boyce p.s. When are we going to get a glimpse of Spock's bottom?!!? Mr. Boyce is currently starring in "Run For Your Wife" playing at the Drury Lane Theatre, London. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editor's Reply: Dear Mr.Boyce, Far be it from me to deliberately set out to make a fool of you. It is not our policy to perpetrate such evil deeds, especially in the presence of witnesses. You can take it from me that the letter you did not send us will not be published, and I hope you will be satisfied with this reassurance. As to your other question regarding the appearance of Spock's bottom: Well, I'm afraid this will not be possible, as Brian Spock's contractual arrangement with us forbids the showing of any part of his nether regions. We fought for months over this contract with Mr.Spock, but unfortunately it was only when our lawyers advised us to drop the bottom clause that he agreed to take part in the series. I hope you will agree that this was a sacrifice worth making otherwise, for example, the cucumber joke in VAXTrek 13 (which I know your wife Norman enjoyed so much) would not have been possible. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr.A.Reid of Glasgow writes: Dear VAXTrek, Hah! You think that just because I waste my time deleting your grotty little sensuous VAXtrek's from my mailbox every month that I have nothing better to do than write you letters. Well, let me tell you, you snivelling little toy-boy you, that... errm, well, you're absolutely right. 10 out of 10 for deductive powers and minus several million out of 10 for subtlety in accusing me, your reader, of dossing off all week: going shopping, train-spotting, rock-climbing and otherwise abusing myself in the sunny weather instead of staying cooped up (twin-peaks-speak for "on a permanent coffee/cherry pie-induced high") in my office while the sun blazes down on all the lithe-limbed young students outside my window. > Letters will be published in the next VAXTrek if they are deemed > appropriate and not too insulting...... Published? You call this a publication? You, who can't even stick to the ISO-standard on ellipsis. To quote: "deletions, omissions and running out of steam (as defined in ISO 8271, paragraph 23) may be indicated by the insertion of precisely three dots (...) or, on reduced alphabet displays, three matched pairs of braces {}{}{}, [][][], <><><>, ()()() or blue and red stripy ones with shiny metal buckles and really powerful elastic which really hurts your nipples when it is pinged (cf ISO 1264, section 2.3) followed by precisely one space at the point of deletion, omission or drop in steam-pressure." - ISO 9462, section 2.0, paragraph 3.14 I'll grant you that your standards are improving but are still far short of professional standards. Could I perhaps suggest that you employ someone on the YTS scheme to write a program to search for the occurence of four or more consecutive dots. I believe you would find that the increase in readership coming from your improved professional standards would more than compensate the time, money and effort required. > They are likely to be subject to severe editing...probably without > your consent. Ah, you seem to be improving: you've got the three dots ok... now you only need to perfect the single space following the dots. Keep up the good work. > Note that spelling mistakes may be deliberately added to > your letters to make you look more stupid if it is deemed > appropriate. I'm sure you will agree that the mere addition of spelling mistakes will completely fail to make me look more stupid. > ... [tedious detail about what to do with my letter deleted] > I look forward to being overwhelmed by a veritable flood of apathy. "a veritable flood"? Where did you learn to speak (or, rather more relevantly, write (or, rather more accurately, type)) English, boy? How can a flood be true? Show me a false flood. It doesn't even type-check you naughty little C-hacker, you. Just for that, I will force my attentions on you by means of sending you this letter. Alastair "anon" Wheeler-Reid -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editor's reply: Dear Mr.Reid, We were previously unaware of the ISO standard relating to usage of dots, and thank you for the information you provided. We are now in the process of drafting a proposed extension to the standard with the aim of ultimately making the standard compliant with VAXTrek rather than the other way around. Our fears about the health risks associated with eating large amounts of Nestle chocolate appear to be true, judging by the following letter from Switzerland: -------------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMO: Stardate 700 Jahre since Federation to : USS Enterprise, diplomatic section from: Swiss Naval HQ (PC & tableware support) We here at CH (Consolidation Helvetica) feel very strongly about the possibility of the USS Enterprise flying over Swiss National Space Space. From within our Summer holiday resort and deep space tracking facility halfway down the Gottard tunnel (railway version), we have recorded numerous violations of aggreeement Bunderstanfkjsa l /008-7862.4 (page 6). If this continues, we have only one choice of action; (1) We will broadcast (very loudly on all channels) Swiss National folk music by the Appalling Appenzeller Alpine Cow Choir (2) Hurl Swiss Army knives (Victorinox, model # 27/O Officer's grade) at the offending Flying object (3) Finally, we will entirely dismantel the United Starfleet command, and force every sentient being to learn Romansch. You have been warned. ========================================================================= David (not quite as "dangerous" as Dan, but still quite dangerous) Wilson Felix (Part time O-ring designer & Ambulance driver; 2nd class) Gross. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************************** Credits: Written by: DJY Using characters from: The ASCII character set Where the characters were really stolen from: Big Uncle Gene Unfair criticism by: Bruce "He's-Got-a-Real-Job" Rodger Letters contributed by: e.rommel@first.panzer.division.mil monty@CinC.allied-command.hq.mod.uk boyce%com.slb.sinet.sifvs3@com.slb.slcs areid@cs.glasgow.ac.uk WILSON@ch.ethz.vmsmail.EZLEDA Please direct all queries and letters of complaint to: The VAXTrek Editorial Office, care of: cnbr10@uk.ac.strath.vaxa Any letters published will win a FREE life subscription to VAXTrek (normal recommended retail price: free) for their sender. Back issues available from above address. -- _______________________________________________________________________________ /~\ Never Trust An | CNBR10 Corp., VAX/VMS and UNIX Consultants /@@-\____--- Elephant In | "Pay up or we send the boys round to wipe / / / \ Dark Glasses. | your system disk" l/'\ /__\ /\, | \l lll lll | Service with a smile. :-) __~_"""___"""__________________________________________________________________