Scene 1: Transporter Room 3 (what happened to 1 and 2?) Riker: First Officer's Log, starda

Scene 1: Transporter Room 3 (what happened to 1 and 2?) Riker: First Officer's Log, stardate 6.02x10^23. Transporter Chief "Potatoes" O'Brien discovered a serious problem with the transporter after he beamed Wesley down to the planet below for no apparent reason. We are not sure if it is working properly, but we will soon find out. O'Brien: Ready for testing, sir. Riker: Good. Beam up Wesley! O'Brien: Want a disbursement, sir? Riker: Well.... no, it wouldn't be painful enough. O'Brien: I can switch his organs around... Riker: Tempting, very tempting... O'Brien: I can put his heart in his right toe. Riker: Oooh! That would really be painful... but not painful enough. Beam that slimeball I mean, beam that brilliant young mind aboard. O'Brien: Yes, sir. (with an evil grin) Riker: (mumbling) Maybe we should kill two Crushers with one stone... Riker: I don't see Wesley. Bev: Neither do I. O'Brien: Well, he's not on the planet. Riker: Then where is he... Bev: No!!! You didn't... O'Brien: At least, I don't *think* so... Riker: Why was the transporter broken, anyway? What was wrong? O'Brien: Well, Wesley was screwing with it last night, trying to adjust the mass generator... Riker: The what? O'Brien: The little dohickey that controls how big the people beamed in get. Anyway, it didn't work, but then he got another dumb idea about how to defeat the Ferengi using deoderant so he ran off... little scum. Riker: Is there a possibility that he was beamed to another part of the ship? O'Brien: Yeah, I imagine that git could've screwed that up, too... Riker: OK, I'll order security to look around for him. He'll turn up... eventually. ----- Scene 2: Somewhere on the Enterprise. Wesley: Where am I? It looks like some sort of corridor, but I can't tell - it's so huge... maybe it's an alien race hundreds of times bigger than humans! Maybe I can screw things up for *them*, too! Wesley: Hey! They *are* human! Gosh, that dohickey I screwed up last night must've made me smaller! Wowie! Wesley: Commander Riker! Commander Riker! Riker: I swore I heard someone. Hello? Wesley: It's me! Down here? Riker: Wesley! What happened? Wesley: Well, I was playing, er, experimenting with the transporter to make people real small, and look what happened! Wesley: Is something wrong, sir? Riker: You know, I always hated you. Wesley: What? Riker: You always save the ship with your little whiz-kid routines. Nobody likes you, get it? You can't act, you couldn't do a decent action scene if somebody fired a phaser up your stick, and most people on board this ship have been plotting your demise for the past three years! You screwed up the Next Generation for the last time, kiddo. ----- Scene 3: The Bridge Worf: I've searched the entire ship sir. We didn't find Wesley, but in the process, we found about $500 in loose change, a romulan spy, the old gah stand we *used* to have in ten forward before it was discovered that gah causes cancer in Vulcan killer rabbits, and lookie here! My high school prom picture! That's K'tek, boy was she *hot*... Picard: Well, it was a great loss to lose ... uh, Commander Riker, could I see you in my ready room? Riker: Aye, sir. Picard: Is that Wesley on the bottom of your shoe? Riker: Huh, sir? Picard: There are remains of a human being on the bottom of your shoe. Riker: Shit, I thought I scraped him all off... uh, yes, sir. Picard: Good. ----- Tune in for another *exciting* episode of Star Trek: The Next Bad Script, when Kirk, McCoy, and Spock accidently swap places with their comrades on the Enterprise-D, in the first installment of "Seven Years Bad Luck: Get A Life!"