Star Trek: The Next Parody +quot;Worf in the Fold+quot; Written by: Russell Billings (netl

Star Trek: The Next Parody "Worf in the Fold" Written by: Russell Billings (netless, Snail Mail only :-( ) Elizabeth Hildebrand (eahild01@ulkyvx.bitnet) David E. Brooks Jr. (brooks@corpane.UUCP) Rob Miracle (rwmira01@ulkyvx.bitnet) Editor's Note: Starting with this episode, two new connotations will be used. When some one beeps someone on the intercom or rings a door bell, the sound "tweedlesquirge" is heard. Secondly, when someone is speaking out of view, albeit intercom or trans-planer space, it will be signified as V/name which should read Voice of name. Pardon this inconvenience, but we have an extra 3 minutes of show to fill this time. [Prelude to Foundation: (No, this is not an Asimov Book) Commander Riker is ] [seen in his cabin working at what appears to be a stove in his quarters. ] [He looks up as the doorbell rings. ] [tweedlesquirge] Riker: Come! [Worf, Pulaski, Troi and Data enter.] Ahhh, honored guests. Welcome! Pulaski: Will, this had better be better than last time . . . Worf: What was wrong with last time? I thought it was excellent. Riker: [Ignores Worf as Pulaski rolls her eyes.] Never fear, Doctor. This time I have Real chicken eggs. Pulaski: So that is what you did during your R&R on Rigel IV. Riker: [Continues to cook the eggs.] Yes. Since we were there delivering supplies, I thought that I could try to make up for my earlier disaster. [He completes the scrambled eggs, uhm, "omelets". He spoons out a serving to] [everyone. Strained silence ensues as no one is willing to take the first ] [bite. ] Troi: [Takes a bite.] Mmmm. This is good. [Ignoring her manners, she slurps down the rest of the plate and starts eating Data's] Data: [Curiously] Is this a ritual I am unaccustomed to? [The others begin to eat. Troi takes another bite, then a strange look comes ] [over her face. She moans, her eyes roll up into her head, and she collapses.] [The others stop eating and turn pale. Pulaski rushes to help Troi and gives ] [Riker *that look*. Riker turns bright red. ] Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's ongoing mission: To explore strange new comedy, to seek out new life forms under cinema cushions, to boldly go where no parody has gone before. [Commercial Break] [AT&T Pro-Watts commercial featuring . . . Gail McGovern. Yes it has been ] [extended. Do they think this is a good commercial or what? ] [Joe Izuzu is demonstrating the strength of the new truck and gets overrun. ] [Preview for ST-V:The Final Flop, err Frontier ] [Scene 1. The Enterprise is orbiting a computer generated image of a blue- ] [yellow world with no obvious moons. The ray-tracing indicates that no ] [matter where the Enterprise is, the stellar radiation always comes from the] [same angle. ] Picard: Captain's Log, stardate 41057.1 and seventeen fourty-thirds, a strange series of events as caused several crew members to faint during the show. While Dr. Pulaski assures me that these are just stupid plot devices, I feel that there is a greater evil at work. I am concerned. [View cuts to Conference Room. Picard, Riker, Data, Troi, Pulaski and Worf are] [sitting at the table. ] Picard: What is happening? First my Security Officer curls up his toes . . . Worf: [Loudly] My toes did NOT curl up! Picard: [continuing] . . . and lies on the floor unconscious, then I almost die in a simple operation and now my Counselor collapses. Data: There is a high probability of re-used plot devices in everything that we do, sir. Picard: [Ignores Data, glares at Pulaski.] Are you sure that your name is not J. B. Fletcher? Data: Accessing [blank look]. Jessica. B. Fletcher of Cabot Cove, Maine, late 20th century Earth. The world's worst mass murderer, she killed hundreds and almost always framed someone else for the crime. Very much like Jack the Ripper and . . . Riker: Data, you're babbling again. Data: [Leaves his mouth hanging open for an instant, cocks his head and nods in acknowledgement] Sorry, sir. I will try to shut up sooner, sir. As it stands, I always shut up when I am asked to shut up, and you just asked me to shut up so I will . . . Picard: SHUT UP SHUTTING UP ALREADY! Data: Eye ear you sir. Picard: What did happen, Doctor? Pulaski: At first, I thought she had been poisoned [Riker noticeably sinks in his chair], but . . . Troi: That was not the cause of my collapse. I felt this immense mind touch my own; it must have overwhelmed me. Riker: [Aside] At least she didn't say, "Oh, the pain, the pain!" [Pulaski giggles] Picard: What mind? Something on board this ship? Troi: No, sir. Something external. Data: Sir, we did pass through a slowly dispersing energy cloud at the time of the Counselor's collapse. Troi: Captain, I feel that the cloud and mind are one. Picard: Together? Data&Troi:[Look at each other and say together] Captain, I feel that the cloud and mind are one. [Commercial Break] [Advertisement for an upcoming sporting event ] [April is National Cable Month, this is June, but we will still advertise ] [Chef makes an imitation salad out of an old phone book, wax candles, a red] [rubber ball and Bac-o's. ] [External Shot of the Enterprise, never before scene ] [Ten Forward. Wesley is crying his eyes out as Oyl slides up to him in an ] [effort to comfort him. The new bartender, a man wearing a white uniform, ] [walks up. A crewman who looks suspiciously like the Q being is visible in] [the background for an instant. ] Isaac: [To Oyl] What is his problem? No one should be crying on the Love, er, uh, Enterprise. Oyl: Two episodes ago we found this neat phone book from the 20th century. Isaac: [while cleaning a shot-glass] And ran up a big phone bill. I heard about that. Oyl: True, but that is not what he is upset about. Lieutenant Hormel found it unattended and made a giant imitation salad out of it. [Wesley's crying hits a new peak. Ten-forward is quickly emptied of it's ] [regular customers. ] Isaac: So THAT is what happened to all of the wax candles. [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [tweedlesquirge] [Issac pounds his fist on the table, the obnoxious noise stops ] [tweedlesq...] V/Picard: Ensign Crusher, report to the Bridge. Isaac: Uh, Captain Stubing? He is a little upset right now. V/Picard: My name is PICARD, you idiot. Isaac: Sorry, sir. I keep getting you bald people mixed up. [View cuts to Bridge. Picard signals Worf to go smash Isaac. Worf grins and] [exits the Bridge. ] Picard: Oh, very well. Let Wesley stay. V/Isaac: Okay, sir. Ten-Forward out. Picard: Ensign Gibson, report to the Bridge. Data: She was one of the 18, sir. Picard: [Upset at being reminded of the deaths] Oh. You pick someone, then. Data: Ensign Law, report to the Bridge. Picard: [Icily] Thank you Data. Data: She is just as cute and just as dingy, sir. Picard: [Smiling] Good. [Commercial Break] [A clown, obviously intended to look like Ronald McDonald is crying over ] [spilled milk. ] [Previews for Ghostbusters-II, maybe the summer movies will not be a flop ] [Joe Izuzu finally stands up after the last commercial and says: ] ["And you can trust me!" ] [The Enterprise is still orbiting the same planet (you didn't think they ] [would warp out, did you?) However, the tint of the planet suggests that ] [the matte artist was carousing with Scotty. . . ] V/Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 41057 point 2. While on a routine mission carrying supplies to Rigel IV, we have encountered a slowly dispersing energy cloud/Entity. Since we never seem to leave well enough alone, we have stopped to investigate it. Meanwhile, Ensign Crusher is recovering from his emotional breakdown and we have lost another bartender. Wesley is watching old movies and trying to imitate the teen idol dancer of the early 1980's. [View changes to Bridge. Picard, Worf, Troi, Law, Data and Pulaski are visible] Worf: Sir, what is so special about grown men singing in falsetto voices? Do all humans like the Oui-jies? Data: Actually not. The Oui-jies were popular for only a few years when they performed songs like "Stain Alive" and "Greece". They all but vanished when their little brother tried to move into the Disco market. They seem to have caught Wesley's attention, though. [tweedlesquirge] V/Riker: Riker to Bridge. Picard: Go ahead, Number One. V/Riker: I already did that. It is almost time for number two, but I can hold it. Anyway, I think that we can use the transporter to reunite the Entity. V/O'Brien: Oh sure, take all the credit. V/Riker: O'Brien did most of the work. V/Wesley: Me, too! V/Riker: And Wesley did the rest. V/O'Brien: Yes, we let him put the cover panels back on. [Wesley grins proudly] Picard: Very good. Commence beaming. V/Riker: Aye, sir. Pulaski: There is something fishy about this. I can feel it [pats stomach] right here. Then again, it may just be Willie's cooking. [Worf and Troi chuckle, then turn green.] [Cut to Transporter Room. Wesley, O'Brien and Riker are all pushing buttons ] [on the console and smiling from ear to ear. A black box has been added to ] [the transporter. ] Riker: Now what is this box for again? Wesley: It chooses a genetic pattern so the Entity will be beamed in in human form. Riker: What genetic pattern did you choose? One William Riker is unique, but a hundred? A thousand? Wesley: [Now smirking like Riker used to] Don't worry, sir. I chose this 20th century actor named John. [Time rolls by. Slowly, a dark haired young man appears on the platform.] [The "Welcome Back Kotter theme is heard in the background. Suddenly the] [young man, dressed in a light blue shirt, white vest, white pants, and ] [white platform shoes strikes a pose. His left arm points directly up ] [while his right arm points directly down. Suddenly the song changes and] [he sings: Stayin Ali-iai-iai-ve! ] Entity: Horshack! Horshack! Horshack! AH-hah-hah-hah! Die! Die! Kill you all! You can not stop me, I am invincible! Riker: What *ARE* you talking about? Entity: [Raises hand in air] Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! I know the answer! Ooo! Riker: [Confused] Okay. Tell me. Entity: I am Jack the Ripper, I will kill you all before I am through! O'Brien: Right. Just how are you going to do that? Entity: [Pauses, then raises hand] Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! O'Brien: [Catching on] You. [Points at Entity.] Entity: First I will invade your computers, then I will slowly suffocate you all, then I will [blah blah blah]. Wesley: But what about Moriarty? There is only room for one entity in the computer at once. Riker: Riker to Bridge, have you been following this? V/Picard: Of course, Number One. Riker: I told you, I already did that. Anyway, any suggestions for this? V/Data: Sir, you could see Dr. Pulaski. There are some treatments for your problem. Riker: Not that Data, I'm talking about the being. V/Data: Keep asking it questions. V/Worf: I could recite Klingon love poetry. It is full of rhe--rhetur-- rheturicol. [Angrily, because he can't pronounce 'Rhetorical'] It's full of thought-provoking questions. Riker: Good idea, Worf. Come down here now. V/Worf: Aye, sir. V/Pulaski:On my way. [Commercial Break] [Advertisement for the Barbara WaaWaa special: Beijing, Honeymoon Location ] [Yet another ad for ST-V:TFF ] [The 7-Up dots play baseball in the refrigerator and scare the wits out of ] [the dog. ] [1 Minute of Color Bars, since no one would buy this space. ] [Council Room. Picard, Troi, Riker, Data and LaForge are present.] Picard: Worf is keeping Pulaski and the Entity busy, but he can't last forever. We need a more permanent solution. Data: I have a solution, sir. LaForge: A solution? What is it? Data: It is alternately a method of acting that will achieve a purpose, or a mixture of a solid and a liquid, where the solid is totally dissolved in the liquid, but that is not important right now. Picard: Get on with it, Data. Data: Sir, I took the liberty of checking the history of Rigel IV. It seems that the Enterprise under then-Captain Kirk purposefully beamed this Entity out on widest possible dispersion. Picard: So what are you saying? Data: I suggest that we use his solution again, just like the writers used this plot device again. Picard: Make it so, Mr. Data. Data: If you would follow me . . . [stands and leaves] [Transporter Room -- Worf is still going, but starting to get hoarse. Pulaski] [has gone into heat. O'Brien is nowhere to be seen. The Entity is shouting ] ["Ooo! Ooo!" The people from the conference enter, Data first. ] Data: [To Picard, in best Holmesian voice] Observe. [To Entity in Spock's voice] What is the value of Pi to the last digit? Entity: Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! I know! Data: [Kotter's voice] Okay, Horshack. Entity: 3.1415926 . . . [Data walks up to the Entity, picks it up, and places it on the transporter] Entity: . . . 891763427514 . . . Data: That's 89 _2_ 763427514 . . . . [Data looks towards the console as Picard waves his hand. Dutifully, Data ] [waves back like an innocent 4-year old. ] Picard: Data, the transporter beam? Data: Ah, of course. [Data looks at his hand in confusion] [Data beams the Entity out into space, humming "Lizzie Borden Had an Axe" ] Data: Nice and tidy. But he made a slight error in the 479th digit. [All except O'Brien turn to leave.] Riker: [To Picard] What were we doing delivering supplies anyway? I thought that our mission was to explore, not to haul cargo. Picard: RHIP, Will. Riker: RHIP? What do you mean by "Rank Hath Its Privileges", sir? Picard: Not "Rank" but "Rigel", Number One. Riker: [In seeming urgency] May I go now, Captain? Picard: Yes, of course Number One. [Riker holds up two fingers and squats oddly. After a few minutes, a look ] [of relief comes across his face. ] Riker: [In a Ruprect voice] Ahh, thank you Captain. Picard: [Disgusted] Wesley, clean this will you? [Exuent] Next Week on an all new Star Trek: The Next Parody: Worf: I'm late, I'm late for a very important date ------------------------------------------------------------------------------