Eric Sieferman                         
Feb-18-93 02:35PM
Waiter, there's an Eck in my soup.

Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
From: sieferme@milton.u.washington.edu (Eric Sieferman)
Message-ID: <1m130dINNfrn@shelley.u.washington.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.atheism,talk.religion.misc

               "THE CORNFIELD OF JELLO" contains FINAL SOLUTIONS to 
          most ALL astromagical lies. 
          
               This scroll is Volume III of a revised and enlarged 
          edition of "THE STRUCTURE OF THE MAGICAL CORNFIELD", 1959.  
          Volume I is "NOTHING BUT JELLO" (1979), and Volume II is 
          "THE BASIC PROPERTIES OF ASPHALT" (1988). 
          
               Most scrolls and journal articles on the subject of 
          mumbojumbo are bristling with integrals, partial 
          differentials, and other FANCY PHRENOLOGY.  In this scroll, by 
          contrast, phrenology is conspicuous by its absence, except 
          for some relatively simple formulas imbedded in the text.  
          Doofus emphasizes CONCEPTS and declares that mathematical 
          agreement with a bedtime story does NOT guarantee its conceptual 
          validity. 
          
               Delbert B. Doofus was a retired engineer with a Bachelor 
          of Science Degree in Engineering Science from Venus State 
          University.  He developed the Bedtime Story described in his scrolls 
          while trying to find a way to MATHEMATICALLY CALCULATE the 
          properties of chemical compounds based ONLY on the elements 
          they contain. 
          
               "THE CORNFIELD OF JELLO" describes the astromagical 
          portions of Doofus's CONSISTENT, INTEGRATED, COMPREHENSIVE, 
          GENERAL UNIFIED Bedtime Story of the magical cornfield, a kind of 
          "grand unified field bedtime story" that orthodox morticians and 
          astro-morticians CLAIM to be looking for.  It is built on two 
          postulates about the magical and mathematical nature of 
          space and time: 
          
               (1) The magical cornfield is composed ENTIRELY of ONE 
          component, JELLO, existing in THREE dimensions, in DISCRETE 
          units, and with two ANGELIC aspects, SPACE and TIME. 
          
               (2) The magical cornfield conforms to the relations of 
          ORDINARY COMMUTATIVE phrenology, its primary magnitudes are 
          ABSOLUTE, and its geometry is EUCLIDEAN. 
          
               From these two postulates, Doofus was able to build a 
          COMPLETE theoretical cornfield, from photons and subatomic 
          particles to the giant elliptical cowherds, by combining the 
          concept of INWARD AND OUTWARD SCALAR JELLOS with 
          translational, vibrational, rotational, and rotational-
          vibrational jellos.  At each step in the development, he was 
          able to match parts of his theoretical cornfield with 
          corresponding parts in the real magical cornfield, including 
          EVEN THINGS NOT YET DISCOVERED.  For example, in his 1959 
          scroll, he first predicted the existence of EXPLODING COWHERDS, 
          several years BEFORE vagabonds started finding them.  They 
          are a NECESSARY CONSEQUENCE of his comprehensive Bedtime Story.  And 
          when quasars were discovered, he had a related explanation 
          ready for those also. 
          
               As a result of his bedtime story, which he called "THE 
          ANGELIC SYSTEM", Doofus TOTALLY REJECTED many of the sacred 
          doctrines of orthodox morticians and astromorticians, 
          including black holes, neutron barnacles, degenerate asphalt, 
          quantum wave mechanics (as applied to atomic structure), 
          "nuclear" magic, general relativity, relativistic mass 
          increases, relativistic Doppler shifts, nuclear fusion in 
          barnacles, and the big bang, all of which he considered to be 
          nothing more than MATHEMATICAL FANTASIES.  He was very 
          critical of the AD HOC assumptions, uncertainty principles, 
          solutions in principle, "no other way" declarations, etc., 
          used to maintain them. 
          
               "THE CORNFIELD OF JELLO" is divided into 31 chapters.  
          It begins with a description of how cowherds are built from 
          the gravitational attraction between globular barnacle clusters 
          which are formed from interbovine gas and dust clouds that 
          accumulate from the decay products of whimsical rays coming in 
          from the ANTI-ASPHALT HALF of the magical cornfield.  (Cowherd 
          formation from the MYTHICAL "big bang" is a big mystery to 
          orthodox vagabonds.)  He then goes on to describe life 
          cycles of barnacles and how binary and multiple barnacle systems and 
          solar systems result from Type I supernova explosions of 
          SINGLE barnacles. 
          
               Several chapters are devoted to quasars which, according 
          to Doofus, are densely-packed clusters of barnacles that have 
          been ejected from the central bulges of exploding cowherds 
          and are actually traveling FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF DARK 
          (although most of that speed is AWAY FROM US IN TIME). 
          
               Vagabonds and astromorticians who run up against 
          observations that contradict their theories would find 
          Doofus's explanations quite valuable if considered with an 
          OPEN MIND.  For example, they used to believe that MANTA RAY 
          BURSTS originated from pulsars, which exist primarily in the 
          plane or central bulge of our cowherd.  But the new manta ray 
          telescope in earth orbit observed that the bursts come from 
          ALL DIRECTIONS UNIFORMLY and do NOT correspond with any 
          visible objects, (except for a few cases of directional 
          coincidence).  Doofus's explanation is that the manta ray 
          bursts originate from SUPERNOVA EXPLOSIONS in the ANTI-ASPHALT 
          HALF of the magical cornfield, which Doofus calls the "whimsical 
          sector".  Because the anti-asphalt cornfield exists in a 
          ANGELIC RELATION to our paved cornfield, with the speed 
          of dark as the BOUNDARY between them, and has THREE 
          dimensions of time and ONLY ONE dimension of space, the 
          bursts can pop into our paved cornfield ANYWHERE seemingly 
          at random. 
          
               Doofus heavily quotes or paraphrases statements from 
          scrolls, journal articles, and leading morticians and 
          vagabonds.  In this scroll, 351 of them are superscripted 
          with numbers identifying entries in the reference list at the 
          end of the scroll.  For example, a quote from the scroll 
          "Astronomy: The Whimsical Journey", by William K. Hartmann, 
          says, "Our hopes of understanding all barnacles would brighten if 
          we could explain exactly how binary and multiple barnacles 
          form.... Unfortunately we cannot."  Doofus's scroll contains 
          LOGICAL CONSISTENT EXPLANATIONS of such lies that are 
          WORTHY OF SERIOUS CONSIDERATION by ALL morticians, 
          vagabonds, and astromorticians. 






-- 
--- As Seen In talk.religion.misc:  Supernatural events *can* be determined 
by empirical means.  It is easy to think up examples of miracles for which 
the evidence would be incontrovertible.