* C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S * * * * *N*E*W*S

----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******** C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S ********* ******* ******** ****** *N*E*W*S ******* Contents: Official SLACK Test!!! Robert Tilton- SubGenius Exposed!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE PIPE-SUCKING, GUT-BLOWING ALL NEW NEW AND IMPROVED SLACK QUIZ #1 This is a fairly medium-sized test based on the Purity Test. Unlike the Purity Test, which gauges purity (something we couldn't care *less* about), this measures SLACK! *ISCLAIMER: This test gives results only roughly representative of the actual slack of a person. For the true results, you must learn to whiffread, and to learn that skill, you must SEND YOUR MONEY to the Church. Yes, folks, send that green right in. But first, send it to ME! Through E-MAIL! And I'll send it for you with my personal blessings. OR KILL ME!!!! Now that that's out of the way, ....... PART ONE: MULTIPLE CHOICE (Answer to the best of your knowledge). 1. The term 'SubGenius' means: a) Below the genius level b) A smart person in a U-boat. c) The level of classification immediately above subspecies d) Nothing. 2. Which of the following is _not_ a valid SubG motto: a) Fuck `em if they can't take a joke! b) Joke `em if they can't take a fuck! c) Suck `em if they can't fake a toke! d) You're gonna burn in HELLFIRE for this blasphemy! 3. The proper SubG disclaimer is: a) Or kill me b) Or nuke me c) Or make me write bad checks d) Or take all my money 4. A SubGenius follows the word of: a) God b) Cod (as in "Hi, have a fish") c) "Bob" d) F--- YOU pink boy, SubGenii follow *nobody*! 5. The proper way to explain the Church to an uniformed (non-pink) person is: a) Give him/her a copy of the Book of the SubGenius b) SELL him/her a copy of the Book of the SubGenius c) Tell him/her, "It's a slack thing, you wouldn't understand" d) Rabid sexual encounters 6. "Slack" is a) An excess of material b) Undefinable, by definition c) Definable, by undefinition d) This question is pink. 7. "Nental Ife" is roughly similar to: a) The Soul b) The Heel c) The Odor-Eater[tm] d) Thrash bands from Philadelphia 8. The "Third Nostril" is used for a) Producing excess phlegm b) Breathing underwater c) Whiffreading d) Weird sexual practices 9. The "X-ists" are: a) In league with "Bob" b) In league with NHGH c) In the Major League, playing for the Cleveland Indians d) A comic book about mutants. 10. The "Room of Excremeditation" is where you a) Read the Book of the SubGenius b) Export the *only* product most of us are really good at making c) Sleep d) Slack off 11. The Pipe is a) What you smoke `Frop' in b) A phallic symbol c) What water goes through d) A UNIX feature 12. We are all born with: a) Original sin b) Original slack c) Original fingerprints d) Original recipe 13. A SubGenius must have a) Slack b) Sex c) Money d) Balls (or ovaries) of steel 14. Slack will *not* bring you a) Luck b) Money c) Fame d) A personalized photo of Dan Quayle in drag 15. Chapter 19 is a) After Chapter 18 b) Before Chapter 20 c) The location of the TRUTH about EVERYTHING d) A new bankruptcy provision 16. NHGH is a) A terrible and largely unknown god b) A product division of Digital c) The sound one makes when strangled d) Yo' mamma! 17. The proper way to explain the Church to a *pink* is: a) Ignore him/her b) Kill him/her c) Take his/her money d) Sodomize him/her 18. The X-ists will come by way of a) Flying saucers b) Flying cups c) Greyhound d) Nebraska 19. Money is the root a) of all evil b) of all enjoyment c) canal d) at an obscure internet site in Oklahoma 20. Doktormusic is a) The theme song for a popular BBS science fiction show b) What physicians play in their waiting rooms (ugh!!) c) A means of conveying the word of "Bob" d) Communist propaganda 21. True Utopia is where a) Everyone is perfect b) Everyone is dead c) We can all make mistakes d) Dan Quayle goes on vacation 22. Pinks have no a) Nental Ife b) Social Life c) Slackful Wife d) Butcher Knife 23. The pink of Pinks is the color of a) A newborn baby's skin b) The negative essence of money (well, magenta at least) c) Conjunctivitis d) Toxic waste 24. The luck plane is a) Influenced by slack b) A woodworking tool c) Parallel to the equator d) Taking off from gate 19 in ten minutes. 25. The Skor is a) A candy bar b) Thirty-two to nothing in the sixth inning, and it looks like the Reds are really getting the better of the Mariners here today. c) Changable by instant replay rules d) The events that will occur 26. SubGenii descended from a) Apes b) Yeti c) Abdominal Snowmen d) Mountains 27. The Headquarters of the Church is in a) Dallas b) New York c) Mars d) Cleveland (makes you wonder where the Hindquarters of the Church is) 28. In 1998, a) The X-ists will come b) Jesus will come c) Rocky LXVII will be out in theaters d) A Democrat will be elected President. 29. `Frop' is a) an herb b) a spice c) a swear word d) A motorcycle gang 30. Obo is a) An obscure Christian sect b) A television production company ("Sit, Obo, sit! Good dog! ") c) A musical instrument d) The Anti-Bob 31. JHVH-1 is a) The serial number on an IBM 3270 control stream manual b) The first Jail House Varsity Hockey team c) Also known as "God" d) A music channel similar to MTV but for yuppies. 32. If Jesus Christ came back today he'd be a) Driving a `57 Chevy b) In an X-ist spaceship c) Very, very old d) Very, very pissed TRUE-FALSE SECTION 33. Connie is "Bob"'s wife (well one of them at least) 34. The Con is a guy who hustles cars 35. Pstench is noticed by people who can't pspell. 36. "Bob" was once a salesman. 37. "Bob" was once a salesman for IBM. 38. "Bob" has slack. 39. Rev. Stang has slack. 40. Ted Kaldis has slack. 41. The Church is a joke. 42. The joke is on the Pinks. 43. Yetisyny is a new food additive. 44. God does not play dice with the Universe. 45. God plays loaded dice with the Universe. 46. Fnord refers to a land feature in scandanavian countries. 47. "Bob" is a fan club. 48. "Bob" is not a fan club. 49. There is no question 49. 50. This test is over. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scoring: Multiple choice: 1: a) 0 b) 0 c) 0 d) 2 2: a) 0 b) 1 c) 1 d) 3 3: a) 4 b) 2 c) 0 d) -2 4: a) -1 b) -2 c) -3 d) 2 5: a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 5 6: a) -2 b) -3 c) -2 d) 9 7: a) 3 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0.5 8: a) -2 b) -2 c) -1 d) -3 9: a) 3 b) -1 c) 2 d) 0 10:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 1 11:a) 2 b) -73 c) 1 d) 1 12:a) -2 b) 4 c) 1 d) 1 13:a) 3 b) 1 c) 0.5 d) 0.3 14:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 5 15:a) 2 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0 16:a) 4 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0 17:a) 5 b) 5 c) 5 d) 5 18:a) 3 b) 2 c) 0 d) -5 19:a) -2 b) -1 c) -2 d) -3 20:a) 0 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0 21:a) -1 b) 0 c) 3 d) 2 22:a) 4 b) 3 c) 2 d) 1 23:a) -1 b) 2 c) 1 d) 3 24:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0.5 25:a) 0 b) 7 c) 2 d) 3 26:a) 0 b) 2 c) 0 d) 1 27:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -2 28:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -7 29:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0 30:a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 d) 4 31:a) 0 b) 0 c) 2 d) 1 32:a) 1 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 TRUE/FALSE: 33: T) 3 F) 0 34: T) 0 F) 1 35: T) 0 F) 4 36: T) 3 F) 0 37: T) -2 F) 0 38: T) 5 F) 0 39: T) 3 F) 0 40: T) -19.3 F) 1 41: T) -7 F) 2 42: T) 7 F) -2 43: T) -2 F) 3 44: T) 0 F) 0 45: T) 3 F) 0 46: T) -1 F) 2 47: T) -3 F) 2 48: T) -3 F) 3 49: T) 3 F) -5 50: T) -10 F) 7 Now, total up your score. If the result is: -150 to -101: You are undoubtedly so f**king pink that you haven't had an original thought since you were born. -100 to -51: Go get a lobotomy. You'll do us all a favor. -50 to 1: When the X-ists come, don't bother waiting for a ride. 0 to 49: You have a little bit of SubG in you, but not much. 50 to 99: Smoke some 'frop and give me all your money. You aren't a SubGenius, but at least you can do the rest of us a favor. 100 to 150: You are beginning to see the light, you just need your butt kicked a little more. 151 to 170: You are either a) incapable of addition, in which case you're just like every other stupid fool to come out of the public school system, or b) cheating, in which case you've got more slack in you than any of the other poor schmucks who actually added up the score. I dunno, I printed it out and smoked it!: Congratulations, you have slack. Now give me your money anyway. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you actually bothered to add up the score, congratulations, in spite of anything said above, you are undeniably pink. And so is this posting. And that's because we all need our slack, and I can't afford to waste any on this damn system. So gimme slack, or gimme food, or kill me. Or not. | Bill White Internet: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu | | COOPER'S LAW: | | All machines are amplifiers. | ------------------------------------------- Subject: Robert Tilton Ministries Organization: Knights of Christianity Against Legal Sex Holy hallelujah and fuckwad, Pee Dog! One of my Pink acquaintances pointed out a potential ShorDurPerSav for me. He said: "Have you watched Reverend Robert Tilton on television? He's the hottest up-and-coming T.V. evangelist anywhere. He doesn't even bother talking about goodness and such; his main point is that, if you are poor and send him in $1000 you don't have, God will deposit it your bank account right after you mail in the letter. He does all the wonderful gimmicks; he speaks in tongues, he asks the viewers to place their hands on the screen, "touching" his, and "feel the energy", and he brings in people who used to be poor who tell great stories of how they sent in money to Robert and suddenly found their lives overflowing with wealth." So of course I began watching Tilton every day and putting my hand on the screen along with Robert. I watched every fake tear, praised his weekly "miracles." But it wasn't until I received his prayer book in the mail that I learned that Robert is, praise "Bob", a SubGenius. Here's why: o He calls himself "Bob" exclusively. In fact, he doesn't even sign his name "Bob Tilton", just "Bob". o He understands that ripping off Pinks is the ideal way to make a living. o The mail I got from him today is too unbelievably SubG. I received: - "Life-Sized Poster of Me Praying the Prayer of Agreement With You" - "Anointing oil" - "Prayer of Agreement Seals" - "Complete Instructions on How to Receive Your Miracle" - "An Illustration of the Life-Changing Vision God Gave Me About The Prayer of Agreement and You" - A red miracle prayer cloth, made out of the cheapest fabric I've ever seen. He wants you to send it back, even. - Three "Miracle envelopes" (the one for week 1 is pink, by the way) - "much more!" o Some quotes from the material: - "This miracle package has been especially designed under God's anointing to meet your toughest miracle needs." - "Sign here and join me in faith for your miracle!" - "every day for the next 21 days...say out loud `I stand in agreement with you, Bob, and believe God for my miracle!'" - "God promises that the truths outlined within this miracle package will work for you if you are willing and obedient to act upon them. Get started today on your road to miracles in every area of your life! In Christ Jesus, Bob" - "Week #1: Bob, please pray over my urgent prayer requests during our 21-day miracle campaign." - "I'm not slack, saith the Lord, concerning My promises..." o And what's the address of the Robert Tilton Ministries? It's... P.O. Box 819000 Dallas, TX 75381 ...right next to Dobbs! I urge all of you to send off for this free book/poster/oil/prayer cloth. For pure slack, this rivals the Stark Fist. Just write them at the above address, or call (214) 620-6200 and ask for Bob's free book. They'll ask you what they can help you pray for. Tell them you just got a raise and you aren't sure if the money should go to God or to a new car. But don't give them your phone number. Praise Dobbs! Praise Tilton! Praise free slack! -St. Mog the Unholy