There Ain't No Justice Number 062

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO" OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO' OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO" OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO' OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO |-----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | There Ain't No Justice | | | | #62 | | | |-----------------------------------------------------------------------------| - Not Necessarily the Evening News - by A Whole Crowd of Folks "Do not attempt to adjust your Television set. We are in complete control. We control the vertical, we control the horizontal. We have complete control of the satellite, and we're not going to give it back." "This is Ned Copper, bringing you the REAL news, courtesy of the CNN satellite. In our lead story tonight, a nationwide manhunt is currently underway for Mike Lewis, leader of the notorious telecom-terrorist organization P.U.S.S. (Phuck U.S. Squint) According to official sorces, Mr. Lewis entered the headquarters of U.S. Squint last Friday afternoon and entered the office of John Anonymous, Regional Director for Security. Mr. Lewis bound and gagged Mr. Anonymous, and after waiting for the normal business hours to end, wired the building's main computer into the over 2000 phonelines present and proceeded to wardial every 1-900 exchange in the country. Meanwhile, he and his associates spread out though the building, uprooting plastic plants, shredding documents, and engaging in general mayhem. An unconfirmed report (well, a rumor, really) also says that while in the building, Mr. Lewis used one of the telephone lines to personally call up Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Kennedy (that chick from MTV), and Richard Nixon on an international conference call and insult them for over an hour." "When police arrived on the scene Monday morning, they arrived to find the entire Squint building wrapped in used toilet paper. Police promptly surrounded the building, and called for the surrender of Lewis and his companions. Lewis's people responded by firing automatic weapons at the police, killing 4 and injuring 23. Lewis, addressing the police via loudspeaker, demanded a helicopter, ten million dollars in small bills, and the immediate release of all hackers and phreakers held in jails and prisons across the country." "We'll have more on this and other stories in just a few moments, but first, a few commercial announcements." GARBAGE CITY!! Ever in need of some 3 month old used tissues? Or some decade-old egg cartons? Of COURSE you do! Well then here's the store for you! Our shelves are filled with the finest garbage money can buy! That's right, we have in our huge stocks such valuable products as: -dead, rotting, smelly, slippery, slimy, fish. -cans o' spam (unopened, of course) -various tidbits of electronic junk - much much more! Call today at 555-6669 to get a FREE price guide of all our trash! And remember our slogan! Garbage City...We've got da sheeit you need at less! Narr.: "Everyone knows about the fall of communism. The historic breakup of a world power, and a whole economic system. It brought democracy, but also chaos." Narr. "What few people know about, though, are the historic opportunities now being presented to...entrepreneurs." "Thousands of nuclear missiles have disappeared from the former Soviet Union in recent months. Everyone wonders where they went. Except for us, Black Hat Resellers. And, if you act now, one or more of these beauties could end up parked in your back yard! If you call today, we'll even erect a launchpad!" "How much would you expect to pay to become a nuclear power? For a missile that could destroy Hiroshima more than ten times over? $92,031,097,401? Maybe even $829,302,199,234? No! With our special limited time offer, you can get all this for the LOW LOW PRICE of $19,950,000!" "But is that all? If you call today, you can get a free gift of..." "A full squadron of Migs! How could you ever forgive yourself if you missed this INCREDIBLE offer? Call now to order! 1-800-WANT-NUK! Visa and Mastercard accepted." Announcer: "To get your day off to a perfect start, eat the cereal that feeds your spirit as well as your stomach!" Announcer: "Jesus Chrispies, the Breakfast of Believers!" Boy: "I *love* Jesus Chrispies! The wine-flavored marshmallow crosses taste great, and the wafer flakes stay crispy in milk!" Announcer: "And parents love Jesus Chrispies too!" Mom: "I know little George is getting plenty of fiber from the whole-wheat wafer flakes. And Jesus Chrispies uses only natural wine flavoring." Dad: "It gives George complete nutrition and a valuable sacrament too. What more could a right-thinking parent ask?" Announcer: "And in specially marked boxes, you'll find a special surprise gift: Dan Quayle ears, a Scripture Decoder Ring, a fetus doll, or a Desert Storm commemorative coin! Unlike sinful movie memorabilia, these are fun, and won't corrupt your mind!" Lame jingle: Why eat a cereal that isn't spiritual? "Continuing our story: Lewis continued to argue with the police for twenty minutes, brandishing his Uzi and eventually bringing Mr. Anonymous to the window to demonstrate that he did, indeed have a hostage. During the negotiations, Mr. Anonymous was hit by a sniper bullet fired at Mr. Lewis. The terrorists responded by hurling Mr. Anonymous out of the tenth story window from which they had been conducting the negotiations. Police S.W.A.T. teams stormed the building minutes later, only to discover that the terrorists had somehow fled the premises. Eric Swastikka, Regional Vice President for U.S. Squint, estimates the damages to the building to be in excess of 12 million dollars, and was quoted as saying: "We have not, as yet, received a bill for the 900 calls placed over the weekend, but we're sure its going to be a doozie." "It's the latest thing in the late-night wars...late-night shows run by failed Presidential candidates. It's just been announced that George Bush will be replacing David Letterman as the host of Late Night, which will become Late Night with George Bush, while H. Ross Perot is reportedly going to receive his own show on CBS, which will run against Late Night, and for which he is paying the production costs. Although the title is yet to be decided, Perot says he is leaning toward "All Ears". A spokesman for the network claimed they'd drop the show if Perot insisted on that title, but that they'd be sure to think of a better one before it aired. We have here a press release from the former President on his new show." "Wouldn't be prudent to watch Ross's show. I mean, some folks-- a lot of folks say that Dan Quayle, reminds them of Mickey Mouse. I say, he reminds me of my dog, Millie, except that my wife can't kiss the dog, it's unhealthy, but that's OK, she can't kiss Dan Quayle either. But Ross reminds me of Dumbo, with the big ears, even if he can't fly. And my show, we'll have Schwarzkopf, Stormin' Norman, as our bandleader. Can Jay Leno say that? Can Ross Perot say that? Can they say that in Japan? No, of course not. So of course, you have to watch my show. Watch it, then decide if you like it. Then, watch it some more." "Perot, on the other hand, calls for a groundswell of grass-roots support for what he calls "late-night TV for the American people." He refuses, however, to go into any detail about the format of the show." "News Flash! It has been reported to me today that the one and only, Thor the Thunder God, has found his left foot! Insiders say that Thor was sitting on the floor of his jail cell in a puddle of piss playing with his legos and linking logs. It is said that he was trying like hell to get one of the logs to connect up to a red lego brick. Of course, legos & linking logs are not interchangable, so Thor was having a rather difficult time." "Says one observer 'Thor was really determined to make that log connect.. he was really making a big thing of it.. in his frenzy he grabbed his left foot by accident and just froze..'." "According to sources, Thor had never found out that he had feet before. They say he sat there for long hours just staring at the foot, then moving it around with his hand. Dr. James Loffman is investigating." Dr. Loffman: "'For someone with Thor's EXTREMLY low mental-age, it was a truely great accomplishment for him to find out that he had a foot'." "Thor is now being moved to Dr. Loffman's research lab in Outer Mongolia. More reports as they become available.." "In this reporters opinion, Thor is an impotent dicksnot and should be either shot on site or placed as Vice-President to replace Gore. There's no way on earth that someone would DARE to kill Clinton with someone like Thor sitting in.." "More news in a moment, after we pause for a few more commercial announcements..." "Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! SPAM! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!" What's all the ruckus about the world's most famous lunchmeat? Every-one loves SPAM! Jesus: "Spam! I love it!" Madonna: "I love so much, I fuck it!" Off Camera Voice: "Er, you fuck everything, eh?" Madonna: "Yes? Your point?" Stan: "Me and my buddies love spam! We use it to fight crime and uphold the law. And hey, it makes a great pet!" "SPAM-de-de-SPAM! Wonderful Spam!" "So go out and raid your nearest inconvience store and demand SPAM!" ////// ////////// //// // // / // // // /////// / / / / / // // // // // / / / / / ///// /////// /////////// / / / / / // // // // / / / / / // // // // / / / // // // // / / /// /////// // // // / / /// It's the..... DENNIS FOLEY BIBLE Specially translated for the mentally impaired! Taken from the original Hebrew and Greek, this translation is high on accuracy! Read the events of Jesus from a whole new perspective! here's an excerpt from the New Testament: "hay sant pual i fuked yur sistre do me a faver and giv her a nickle fer me she was godo" Or reread the famed Battle between David and Goliath: "hay lok at davideo run away form that big snotliker goliath hay dav got a slingsot whats he doin hay goliath feel" "So go out and demand that your local church begin using the NEW Foley Bible! This newest version of the world's greatest book is only 49.95, so run out and get it TODAY!" And now from Derf Enterprises... The DerfLink..][ ! : "You've heard of the world's greatest invention, the Derflink I, right?" Cameraman: "Well, umm, actually, I...ah.." A: "Shut up!" C: "Um, but.." A: "NOW!" C: "Oh fine." A: "Anyway, the newest version of this wonderful instrument allows you not just derflink computer equipment, but various objects, such as cheese graters, cat tails, Spam, and other household items. For example:" Scientist: "See? A perfectly unusable cow and microwave...but...when derflinked.." S: "Ack, that's not right.." Announcer : "Well, that's all we have time for, so just go out and get this wonderful product of American labor..today!" Ned: "The Pope, missing for over six days, was finally found today in Dublin, where Sinead O'Connor dragged him out on the stage and mauled him with a chainsaw. Before the lynch mob arrived, he had been hacked into thirteen pieces. Before the leaders of the mob pushed her off the edge of the stage with a noose around her neck, O'Connor reportedly stated that it was an artistic statement, quote, "an illustration in reverse of what the Catholic Church has done to the people of Ireland." Sinead O'Connor and the Pope were unfortunately unavailable for comment, but Cardinal O'Connor said, quote, "The world will mourn for the Pope. Hopefully no one will mourn for Sinead O'Connor. Hopefully something positive will come out of this. Perhaps some people will see the light of day and ban rock music, so their children will no longer be exposed to these morally degenerate psychopaths." "In a related story..." "The well-publicized case of Peter Sucht, the boy who was reportedly abducted last week by a known child-molester, ended today when the boy was found exiting his bedroom, where he claims to have been for the past week. However, for Peter himself, the story is far from over. In just one week, it has been discovered that his father, Dick Sucht, forced him repeatedly to have sex with his Saint Bernard, named Cunt; his mother, Annie Dick Sucht, would discipline him with a stun gun, while his sister, Wanda B. Sucht, would force him to perform oral sex on her and her friends at gunpoint. Peter has become a ward of the court until the state can appoint him a guardian." "And now we have a live feed from Kent State University. Reporter Fred Parakeet is live on the scene with this story..." FP: "Well Ned, as I'm sure you're aware, one of the fastest breaking stories tonight takes place in Baghdad, Iraq. Saddam "Fuck the New World Order" Hussein has put 3 Silly-Putty launchers in the so-called UN maintained Peace-keeping Zone. In response, the UN demanded the launchers be surrendered to the UN or the Coalition will launch a mass attack of Silly String, Spam, llama innards, and various other objects. The American General in the Gulf issued a statement today: "I am absoultely positive we can match Saddam at his game." "This news has caused countless debates all over the country. On a few college campuses, like Kent State here, students rallied to stop the silliness in the Gulf. The students took various cans of Silly String and had their fun with the a few professors' cars, saying that this attack was as silly as the current American strategy." "Another celebrity Elvis sighting was reported today. At around 4 P.M., Goldie Hawn claims she saw Elvis as she exited the shower. Our reporter, Clint Torus is live at the scene with the famous actress." CT: "So, you saw Elvis as you left the shower." GH: "Yes, I was just coming out, and I was about to wrap a towel around myself, and I saw him. I screamed." CT: "You screamed because you thought you were seeing a ghost?" GH: "No, no, if he was a ghost, well, that would've been all right. But he was standing there naked and he started to gyrate his hips, and sing Heartbreak Hotel." CT: "Naked? What happened next?" GH: "Well, I screamed, and he ran off. No one could find him." CT: "Now, are you absolutely sure it was Elvis, and not a cabbage or something?" GH: "I'm sure. I called Priscilla on the phone. Ask her. She can tell you. No one ever knew about that birthmark until today." CT: "Thank you, Ms. Hawn. Now back to you, Ned." Ned: "Thank you, Clint. In the past three weeks, "Weird Al" Yankovic, President Clinton, Mike Tyson, Hugh Hefner, Cardinal O'Connor, Fabio, Bill Cosby, and Wil Wheaton, among others, have reported sightings of the King. This rash of unexplained Elvis sightings has prompted a government investigation, which started one week ago. So far the only official comment has been, "We're working on it."" Madonna: "Ned, did you know that this is the first naked Elvis sighting reported since the King's apparent death?" Ned: "That's amazing, Madonna. Hopefully, being sexually harassed by dead rock stars--" Ned: "Well, that was definitely a first on TV News. A dead rock star, on national TV. He IS dead, isn't he? I mean..." : "Are you tired of being awakened late at night by the sound of barking dogs? Of course you are! But you always thought there was nothing you could do to alleviate this common problem. Well, I have good news for you! The researchers at BlastCo have come up with the perfect solution!" "Now doesn't that work a whole lot better than a thrown shoe? This marvelous invention works wonders on other common neighborhood pests as well!" "It even works on cats! So call the number at the bottom of your screen for more information today! Operators are standing by to take your call!" Ned: "In tonights celebrity news, Donald Trump's fortunes have reached an all-time low. He's lost all his Atlantic City casinos, and now is forced to move to the suburban area of Howell, New Jersey, because he's practically broke. Our roving reporter, Bonnie Lasse, has gone to Howell to bring you the story, and an EXCLUSIVE interview." Lasse: "Thanks, Ned. Mr. Trump, how did you lose all this money?" Trump: "Well, a lot of it's the divorce settlement with Ivana. Sometimes I could swear the bitch was out to ruin me." Lasse: "How do you feel now, being one of the working class?" Trump: "Well, frankly, it su--akk!" Lasse: "Oh, SHIT! That's the third time this week that's happened! And he bled all over my stockings! Here, help me out with him." Cameraman: "Those damn trendy killers and their annoying fads. Now EVERYBODY wants to kill somebody on TV..." Lasse: "Damn it to hell, I broke a nail...oops, almost forgot." Lasse: "Back to you, Ned." Ned: "And now here's Goldie Shower Meadows with today's weather forecast." Meadows: "Tomorrow will be bright and sunny in Birmingham, Alabama; Seattle, Washington; Austin, Texas; and the Triple-O-Five-Bar-X-Double- Asterisk-Q-Peace-Sign-Pentagram-Curlicue-Eight-Bleeding-Daggers cattle ranch. Everywhere else will be overcast with scattered showers, snow, fog, T-storms, and the possibility of hail." "Hurricane Billy-Bob Jim-Bob Joe-Bob Jesus Horatio Christ Smith is gradually building up in the mid-atlantic. Let's go to the satellite." "This area here is a low-pressure zone. It's drawing moisture from the sea, and was the beginning of the hurricane's development when it was first spotted three days ago." "Over the last few days, it gradually increased in size. It's expected to reach the East Coast in a few days, and by then it'll be positively huge. It's expected to cause a great deal of..." "Oops...wrong satellite... Back to you, Ned." Ned: "And now, here's Ben Dover, with the Consumer Report." Ben: "According to a press release by the Consumers Protection Union, you should no longer buy ninja weapons such as shurikens and nunchukus, as a recent study has shown they hold considerable danger to the operator, and even experienced operators can be hurt. They also recommend a "Place Out Of Reach Of Children" label be placed on chainsaws and dynamite." "Also, there is a recall out on all bottles of Preparation H dated 2-17-93 to 2-23-93, as they have been found to be contaminated with Super Glue. Check your containers." Ned: "In our final story of the evening, Outer Mongolia, threatened with nuclear annhilation, finally agreed to extradite "Fast" Hans Liebermann to the U.S. for trial. Liebermann allegedly skipped the country with $23,000,000 of imbezzled money, plans for ICBMs, Gennifer Flowers, and a bag of Ruffles potato chips. The Mongolians were reluctant to release him to U.S. custody because Liebermann was their new economic minister, and also because they don't put ridges on Outer Mongolian potato chips. Despite the threat of nuclear annhilation, the U.S. government was persuaded to agree to trade a can of Spam Lite for Liebermann and his entourage." "This concludes the News for this evening. Please stay tuned for more quality programming." Announcer: "In the wake of the nation's biggest banking scandal, people are looking high and low for faces they can trust." Announcer: "We have those faces." : "You've always trusted us with your money. We're the only ones you can trust. We're--" : "--the Church of God. While the agents of Satan have on occasion falsely accused us to break--" : "--our reputations, it is they who proved false in the end. So why trust them with your hard-earned wages--" : "--when there's the J. Christ International Bank? Run for the church, by the church, and open 24 hours--" : "--and all our checks bear inspirational verses from Holy Scripture! Brothers and sisters--Jesus saves, you should too!" ------------------------------------------- I'd like to thank all of the contributors to this issue. I only hope everyone has as much fun reading this as we did writing it and putting it all together. NNTN was written by... Tal Meta Kel'anth Agnostic Messiah & Hairy Leech. � �� ۲�� Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ �۱�� The Syndicate: 908/506-6651 �۱�� The Matrix BBS: 908/905-6691 �� First United Church Kalisti: 602/753-3784 �� The Cell: 817/870-1060 �� ۲��