From: jsb@b.cs.wvu.wvnet.edu (Jeffrey S. Blatt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Religious Jokes Compilation
Message-ID: <115@h.cs.wvu.wvnet.edu>
Date: 7 Nov 88 16:50:26 GMT
Lines: 1002
Here it is at long last, a compalation of religious jokes:
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From: juniper!graham@cs.utexas.edu (Malcolm Graham)
Abe meets his frind (friend) Isaac on the street.
Isaac: Abe, why are you looking so sad?
Abe: It's my son. I sent him off to college, and now he has come back home,
all full of Gentile ideas. Where did I go wrong?
Isaac: Funny you should mention it! My son, too, has come home from college,
with his head all messed up, filled with Gentile ideas...There is but
one course open to us. We will ask the Rabbi.
So they go to the Synagogue, and obtain an audience with the Rabbi.
Both: Rabbi, our two sons, whom we have raised to be devout followers of
the Law, have come home from college, full of Gentile ideas. What
can we do about it?
Rabbi Bernstein: Funny you should mention it! My son also has come back
from college, with all sorts of Gentile ideas. I assure you my
friends, this problem is beyond human solution. We must go into
the place of worship and pray.
The three go in and spread their hands in supplication to the Lord. No
sooner have they articulated their common lament than the lights go out,
the building is filled with cloud and smoke, and a thunderous voice answers them
FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT.......
------------------------
Job, in all his suffering, discusses with his friends his blamelessness
and seeks their counsel as to why the Lord has afflicted him. They agree
that he, Job, has done nothing to deserve such misfortune. In deep despair,
Job raises his voice to the heavens, "Why, oh Lord of Heaven and Earth,
Why???"
The sky darkens, the clouds boil, lightning and thunder crsh all about Job. A mighty voice comes out of the storm, "BECAUSE,....
YOU PISS- ME- OFF!"
------------------------
Did yhou hear that Jimmy Swaggart is starting up a new magazine? He
has everything set but the name. He doesn't know whether to call it
'Prayboy' or 'Repenthouse'.
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From fredonia!dunkirk!kaws1990@cs.buffalo.edu Mon Oct 24 22:35:53 1988
What's a jewish delimma??
Free ham.
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From evren@wuibc.wustl.edu (Evren Senol)
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted
with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shot the bear was
unsuccessful. Thus, he turned away and started to run as fast as he could.
Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said,
"My God! Please give this bear some religion!"
Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short
of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said,
"My God! What you are about to receive ... "
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From osu-cis!att!mhuxu!cff@tut.cis.ohio-state.edu Wed Oct 26 09:05:09 1988
Why are synogoges round?
So the jewish people have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection
plate.
------------------------
Did you here about the Jewish - Japonese restarant?
Its called So sume.
------------------------
When does the Jewish male fetus become a person (according to religious
custom)?
When it graduates from Law school.
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From: suz@tc.fluke.COM (Suzanne Jurgensen)
CHURCH NOTICES
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the
church. The children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday, at 7:00 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club.
All those wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the
minister in his study.
Wednesday, at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All the ladies
giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will as Mrs. Hooker to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken up to defray the expense of a
new carpet. Will all those wishing to do something on the carpet come
forward and get a piece of paper.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johson will sing:
"Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
The services will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music
will follow.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.
------------------------
PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC
ARIES Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it
right now?
TAURUS Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
GEMINI Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
CANCER Dear God!!!
LEO Yes?
VIRGO Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like
You did the last time.
LIBRA Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other
hand, what do you think is best?
SCORPIO Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,
even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million
times, help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a
long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
PISCES Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch
tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
------------------------
A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he
was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the
floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.
------------------------
Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft
before The Final Masterpiece.
------------------------
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was
a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it
in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses
was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some
doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race
just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and
this time it won.
The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid
of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the
donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local
farmer for $10.
The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the bishop the next day.
------------------------
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT?
A: Because he got nailed on his boards.
Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked,
"Can you put me up for the night?"
------------------------
Jesus and Moses are in Heaven, fishing from a rowboat. As they were
fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they
were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they
each decided to do one of their miracles.
So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of
the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then
lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the
lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.
"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try,"
he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then
began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus
into the boat.
"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"
"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied.
"The last time I did that I didn't have these blasted holes in my feet."
------------------------
Deciding that they needed a few hours of vacation from Heaven, God and
Jesus went down to earth to play some golf. Going into the last hole,
which was a difficult par 5, they are par for par. Jesus walks up to
the tee, swings, and makes a beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot
takes him up onto the green and with a final 20-foot shot, sinks the
ball for a birdie.
God stood there looking thoughtful, then scratched his head, and
finally steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball, and
watches it as it cuts to the left and goes straight into the woods.
About that time, a squirrel stuck its head out of its nest in a old
tree only to be struck squarely between the eyes with a golf ball.
Knocked senseless with the ball lodge between its ears, the squirrel
falls towards the ground and lands on a rabbit. Startled, the rabbit
takes off out of the woods and straight onto the green. Just as it
gets close to the cup, an eagle swoops out of sky and grabs the rabbit
with the squirrel still on its back. The eagle begins circling back
up into the heavens when a bolt of lightening streaks out of the cloudless
sky and strikes the eagle dead. The eagle's prey plummets towards the
green below, and as the rabbit with the squirrel on its back bounces off
the ground for a second time, the golf ball dislodges from between the
squirrels ears. The ball rolls across the green getting closer and
closer to the cup. It then sits precariously on the lip of the cup for
a few seconds and then finally falls in.
Jesus looks over at God and says , "Come on, Dad. Are you going to
fuck around, or are you going to play golf?"
------------------------
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was
doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present
his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving
in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a
regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with
oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it.
Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid that it has
reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmm," God said thoughtfully. "Do you have any recommendations as to
what should be done to put and end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think that we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages
in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what
will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of
activity, " replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead
of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who
refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to
each one these good people.
And do you know what that letter said? NO? You mean you didn't get
one either?
------------------------
Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter
walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your
wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment
and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St.
Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow
Honda over there."
St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank
answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times.
"Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be
driving the red Corvette.
St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause,
Rod answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said,
"Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied.
"Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be
driving that gold Rolls Royce." Grinning from ear to ear, Rod
approaches the car, but when he reaches the car, he suddenly lays his
head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks,
"What's the matter? You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained
entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the
rest of eternity." Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over
there on the skateboard? That's my wife!"
------------------------
After being killed in a tragic auto accident, Fathers Tom and Mike
were met at Heaven's gate by St. Peter. St. Peter walked up to them
and said, "Hello, fathers. Since both of you have been such devoted
servants, for a short time only, you may return to Earth in any form
of your choosing.
St Peter turned to Father Tom and asked, "What form would you like,
Father Tom?" "I have always wanted to soar like an eagle above the
mountains in the bright sunlight," replied Father Tom. "It is done,"
said St Peter, and Father Tom found himself soaring above the
mountains.
St. Peter then turned to Father Mike and asked, "What would you like to
return as, Father Mike?" Father Mike hesitated for a moment and then,
looking rather embarrassed, replied, "Well, I'd like to return as a
stud." "Are you sure?" asked St. Peter? "Yes, sir, I am," Mike said.
"Then it is done," stated St. Peter, and Father Mike spent the winter
in Minneapolis in a snow tire.
------------------------
Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part
of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St
Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states,
"I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful
shot about three feet away from the cup.
Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack
Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and
swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of
the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrives his ball, and
tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond.
"Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter.
"No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!"
This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover
ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to
Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times
to retrive is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who
does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No," replies St. Peter. "Jack Nicholas."
------------------------
Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for
admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriach Abraham
stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the
welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said, "Greetings, blood of
my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you."
Recovering from the awesome splendor of this type of welcome, Eleazer
quickly replied, "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet our God," and
stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.
"Wait, my brother," said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously,
upraised palm. "Before entering God's Kingdom, you must first prove
that you are worthy of the honor."
"But how can I prove my worthiness," queried Eleazer.
"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed
outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"
Eleazer's face brightened as he said, "Yes I can! I remember going to
the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was
surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring
this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a
vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he
was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face.
"Well," exclaimed Abraham, "I am impressed. I must agree that that was
an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and
the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly
earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this
happen?"
"Oh," replied Eleazer casually, "right before you welcomed me."
------------------------
Wanting to convert to the Catholic faith, Sam Goldstein was allowed to
join the Church under the condition that he would, henceforth, obey all
the laws governing the Catholicism.
"Remember," warned the priest, "you also are not allowed to eat meat on
Fridays."
"Yes, Father, I'll remember," Sammy promised as he left his last
class.
The Father, concerned about his new convert, decided to drop in on Sam
that next Friday to see how he was doing. After being admitted into
the house, he was shocked to see Sam eating a huge steak.
"What is this? Did you forget your promise? This is Friday. You're
suppose abstain from eating meat on Fridays. What do you have to say
for yourself?" the priest asked imperiously.
"Meat? Who's eating meat?" asked Sam blandly. "This is gefilte
fish."
"You must take me for a fool!" snapped the outraged priest. "How can
anyone make fish out of meat?"
"The same way the Church makes a Catholic out of a Jew," answered the
convert smoothly. "I sprinkled holy water on it."
------------------------
Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go
to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his
problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams"
said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish
holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish Holiday."
------------------------
One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when
one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in
such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do. Maybe you can
help me. When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of
condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to
tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?"
"Oh my word," said the second nun. "I must have found the same box of
condoms when I cleaned his room last week! Well, I don't know if you
should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did? I poked a
hole in the end of each and everyone of them."
Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted.
------------------------
One day, a very naive, newly ordained priest discovered that he needed
to get something in town. Having never been there before, he was
looking forward to the excursion. As he walked down the street, taking
in the atmosphere of this rather large town, a scantily clad beauty
called out to him, "Ten dollars for a quicky, Father?" Embarrassed and
unsure as to what this woman was talking about, he hurried past her
with his head down. Moving swiftly down the street and pondering the
meaning of the woman's words, he was startled by a voice that said,
"Hey Father, ten bucks for a quicky!" Looking up, he saw another woman
wearing even less clothes than the previous one. Now completely
flustered and confused, the priest ran past the woman and hurried on to
complete his errand so that he could get back to the monastery to talk
to someone about his encounters. At the monastery, he approaches the
Mother Superior and asked, "Mother Superior, what's a quicky?" She
replied, "Ten dollars, same as in town."
------------------------
Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
God gave us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
Q: Why don't Baptists do it standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.
------------------------
Christian:
1. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book
that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
2. One who follows the teachings for Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
Monday:
1. In Christian countries, it is the day after the football game.
Occident:
1. The part of the world west of the Asia. It is largely inhabited by
Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principle
industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call
"war" and "commerce." These are also the principal industries of
the Asia.
------------------------
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion - i.e. none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
"If God wanted us to have a president, He would have sent us a candidate."
-- Jerry Dreshfield
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought that you
didn't believe in God?"
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting into tears, "but the God I don't
believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the
mean and stupid God you make him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
-- Mr. Dooley
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From: blblbl!hilda (Hilda Marshall)
Did you hear about the Unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan?
They burn question marks in people's front yards.
------------------------
Then there was the woman who bought herself a Lamborghini, and
though she wasn't particularly religious, she had worked hard
for the car and wanted it blessed. She asked the rabbi next door
to bless it for her, but he said, "A sports car is really a bit
out of my domain. You should ask the priest." So she asked the
priest at St. Christopher's, but he said, "I really wouldn't
know how to bless a sports car. We're really pretty traditional.
Why don't you ask the Unitarian minister?" So, somewhat exasperated,
she hunts down the Unitarian minister, and says, "You must be the
only person in this town who can give me a blessing for my
new Lamborghini!" The minister replied, "A Lamborghini? That's
a fine car! Have to be careful with the suspension though -
it can be rough on turns. Now, what did you want? A blessing?
What's that?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: will1990@dunkirk.UUCP (SID PSYCHO EAT'EM UP WILLIAMSON)
- and -
From: suz@tc.fluke.COM (Suzanne Jurgensen)
THE FIRST SERMON
The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak.
Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could
relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After
a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly."
The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and
really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he
had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week
but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the
congregation again."
(suz)FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.
(suz)SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12.
(suz)THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10.
(suz)FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
(suz)FIFTH: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as
"The late J.C. and the boys."
(suz)SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
(suz)SEVENTH: We do refer to the Cross as the "Big T."
(suz)EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
"Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
(will1990)NINTH: The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT
"RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"
(suz)TENTH: And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the
Cherry!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: will1990@dunkirk.UUCP (SID PSYCHO EAT'EM UP WILLIAMSON)
Never, under any circumstances, be left alone with a cross-eyed nun
with a bullwhip in one hand and a bottle of Gin in the other.......
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From edsews!roberts@uunet.UU.NET Thu Nov 3 19:36:45 1988
How do we know Jesus was jewish?
Four reasons:
1) He lived at home until he was 35.
2) He went into his fathers business.
3) He thought his mother was a virgin.
4) His mother thought he was a god.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Jon C. Slenk"
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