FidoNews 5-11 Page 15 14 Mar 1988 COLUMNS YACK Yet Another Complicated Komment by Steven K

FidoNews 5-11 Page 15 14 Mar 1988 ================================================================= COLUMNS ================================================================= YACK Yet Another Complicated Komment by Steven K. Hoskin ( STEVE HOSKIN at 1:128/11 ) Episode 3: The Programmer's Dictionary The orginal version of this that I ever saw was in a photocopied article from a magazine of some kind. I therefore have no clue as to whom I should be giving credit for the initial conception of this collection of fundies, but over the years my friends and I have added to this, and this is one of the later versions of... The Programmer's Dictionary --------------------------- Algorithm - New type of musical beat, known best for being hard to dance to. Analyst - The person who always has an answer. See also, Son/Daughter. Argument - Unpleasant encounter with the instructor after mid- terms. Array - That which comes out of Buck Roger's gun. Assumed Decimal Point - Located two postions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth. BASIC - 1. Adjective used to describe programs to give to rookies. 2. Programming language once erroneously thought to be user-friendly. Backup - Action taken by a programmer when an accident is about to happen in front of his/her car. Batch - A small complaint. Binary - A program missing two program statements. Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. Board - Most common mental state of most programmers. Bucket - An item on a table that catches spare data. Bug - A small German car that runs rampid in your program. Bus - As in Greyhound or PDP, upon which all data commute to work. Byte - 1. What computer science students do to their pencils. 2. An action that programmers teach their dogs to do to operators. C - A lie commonly told by novice programmers; "I see..." COBOL - Fraternity/Sorority mix party. CRT - An adjective that describes the way programmers talk to operators, i.e., "Why are you so curt to me?" Cable - Pay television for programmers and printers. Card Punch - Machine known in this day and age for making good note cards to write memos on. Card Reader - Woman who tells fortunes. Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output. Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary. Close - Description of the constant state of operator's minds. Comments - See Fixed Word Length. Common Language - The first thing a programmer must forget in order to be successful. Comp Sci Instructor - See also, God. Compiler - Program that continuously finds fault with your work. See also, Wife/Husband. Complex - Adjective used to describe problems to be avoided. Computer - Scientific Phenomenon; it is probably the only thing in this world that can understand a programmer. Computer Bank - Where your computer stores the money it embezzles when your accounting program has a "bug" in it. Concantonation - Catholic ritual performed once a year to bless programmers. Copyright - 1. A hacker's self-invested authority to duplicate any software package on the market. 2. Knowledge that such duplication has been performed properly Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. Counter - A device over which martinis are served. Cursor - Someone who Batches a lot. DATA DIVISION - Keypunch section. DIVISION - Partitions between offices. Data Base - Phrase commonly heard by the first base coach of a softball team made up entirely of programmers. Debugging Aids - 1. Insecticides. 2. Computer Science instructors. Decision Gate - What programmers use to choose which computer language they will use. Device Driver - Licensed vehicle operator. Digitizer - Machine that reduces physical objects to computer memory, just like in the movie TRON. Directory - Listing showing where everyone works. See also, Dump List. Disk - Toy used by programmers with nothing better to do. See also, Board, Frisbee. Disk Management - Sensible care of one's back. Disk Pack - The result of lifting too much weight over your head. Dummy Arguments - Discussions between operators. Dump - Slang term for the computer building (i.e., Why do I spend so much time in this Dump?) Dump List - List of office branches in the computer building. ENVIRONMENT DIVISION - The people that scan your office for fire hazards and unhealthy deposits of smoke. Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output. Execution - Punishment for programmers who do not follow the Standards Manual. See also, Network. External Storage - Wastebasket. FORTRAN - Model train set up on the floor, usually HO scale. Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. Flippy Disk - Side two of an LP record. Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but can't leave the computer. Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost. Floppy Disk - The result of driving a Floppy Drive. Floppy Drive - A car with a flat tire. Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom. Format - What you wipe your feet on before entering the computer building. Free - Obsolete expression. Function - What a program never does on the first run, seldom does on subsequent runs, and when it finally does, is a good indication that the program is obsolete. Function Key - Tool required to make a program work. Commonly hidden in Bugs. GOSUB - Polite way for programmers to tell operators where to go. See also, Go To. Gigabyte - The little laugh that comes out of an operator's mouth when he/she bites his/her tongue. Global Variable - Internationally known Variable, such as Anita Bryant. See also, Variable. Go To - Often used in conjunction with Biblical locations. See also, fixed word length. Hacker - Someone who coughs a lot. Hard Disk - The result of much muscle-building work on one's back. Hard Drive - A car with solid rubber wheels. Hardware - Something that, if you play with it long enough, it breaks. See also, Software. Head Crash - Last step before a computer Go To, usually executed by a programmer crashing his head against the nearest wall. Head Thrashing - What programmers do when upset at operators. See also, Head Crash. Hexadecimal - High resolution trick, using a six-sided dot for a decimal point. Hierarchy - Chain of command. High Memory - State of mind a programmer is in when his/her program finally works properly. See also, Function. High Order Language - See Fixed Word Length. IC - Lie commonly uttered by Computer Science students. IDENTIFICATION DIVISION - The security guards for your company's parking lot. Infinite Loop - See Loop. Initialize - First visual input devices appearing on infant programs. Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc. Interrupt - Usually the result of a Keypunch. See also, Head Crash. Jump - 1. Dangerous move commonly made by programmers to get to conclusions easier. 2. Something programmers do when a program works. See also, High Memory Jumper - 1. Programmer with a working program. 2. Suit worn by female programmers. Keyboard - A random series of keystrokes, usually either "asdf" or "l;kj", used when programmers are bored. Keypunch - Error solving technique used by many programmers, consisting of applying his fist to the teletype terminal. Laser Printer - Machine dedicated to producing blueprints for new and better Lasers. Last Pointer - Used by the Computer Science Instructor as deterence. See also, Next Pointer. Light Pen - A pen commonly used by programmers because it is easier to use, due to its reduced weight. Line Printer - Machine that prints lines on blank paper. Also known as Paper Shredder. Local Variable - Closet Variable. See also, Variable. Logical Operator - Extinct Species. Logo - The way a survivalist programmer goes past a window when someone is shooting at him through it. Logorithm - Old kind of musical beat, best known for its lack of motion. Loop - See Infinite Loop. Low Memory - 1. The characteristic a calculator exhibits when the battery is out of energy. 2. Adjectival phrase describing most programmer's ability to remember. Machine Language - Grunts, groans, squeaks, shudders, etc. Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise; "Holy Macrol". Mag Tape - New scientific metallic adhesive strip that can be applied to the hubcaps of your car to make them look "cool". Mainframe - The portion of a film used to focus the projector. Mass Bus - A very large bus, sometimes a GMC motor coach. See also, Bus. Memory Dump - Amnesia. Memory Extension Board - Review of a programmer's ability to remember. Mouse - Small creature that leaves tracks on a screen. Network - Punishment for programmers who do not write efficient code, where they are sent out to tie terminals together as hard labor. Next Pointer - The pointer designated by the Comp Sci instructor to be used when the Current Pointer breaks. See also, Pointer, Pointer Stack. Open - Description of the constant state of operator's mouths. Operator - The person who always rips your program in half when removing it from the line printer. See also, Inefficient. Output - See Floating Control. Overflow - That condition resulting from exceeding the Floating Point. Owner - The person who tells you when you can and cannot use the computer. PASCAL - Frantic shout by quarterback when throwing the football to an unaware reciever. PINBOL - Most widely used language. Terminals often found in pool halls. PROCEDURE DIVISION - The office that tries to tell you how to do your job. See also, Wife, Husband. Pointer - Used by computer science instructors to encourage students to behave. Pointer Stack - Arsenal. See also, Pointer. Post Mortem Dump - Place for dead programmers. See also, Dump. Programmer - Red-eyed mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. RAM - 1. A mountain animal. 2. Usual speed at which a headcrash is performed. RETURN - 1. What some programmers never do when they "lose" it. 2. What some programs never do when they "Go West". RPG II - Artoo's little cousin. Run - Ritual feared greatly by programmers. Runaway Subscript - Delinquint member of your program's family. SNOBOL - What programmers throw at operators in the winter time. Scope - 1. Thing programmers do to a new dump (See Dump). 2. Mouthwash for operators. Screen - Used in futile by programmers to try and keep bugs out of their programs. Significant Digit - Middle finger of either hand, commonly used by programmers while talking to operators. Sin - Not attending Concantonation services. Software - Something where, if you play with it long enough, it works. See also, Hardware. Software Piracy - The act of stealing a programmer's bed. Squash Routine - Pre-planned execution of agile moves in an old British game. Stack - Favourite part on a female computer for male programmers. Standards Book - Instructions for driving stick-shift cars. String - Used to tie data together. Structured Programming - Contradiction of terms. TROFF - What pigs eat out of. TRON - What your mother or wife says when she's found a new suit for you, "Here's something I want you to TRON." TURBO PASCAL - New and powerful car, requiring a special diskette in order to legally drive it. Commonly seen breaking speed limits when traversing Mass Buses. Tape - Sometimes used to chain programmers. Tape Drive - Best known for its ability to have lunch in the middle of reading the only copy of a source tape. Terminal - Status of most programmers, especially after the user sees the programs he/she has written. Text Editor - Employee of a local newspaper. Top-Down Structure - Impressive accidental coincidence when found. See also, Structured Programming. Trapezoidal Rule - Country ruled completely by trapezoids. Underflow - Symptom of an impotent programmer. User - The person who never seems to be able to tell you what he/she wants from the computer. User-Friendly - Synonym for anti-programmer. Variable - Bi-sexual programmer. Vector - The first name of the lowest part of your operating system's memory. Voice Synthesizer - Device used by programmers to communicate with human beings. WATFOR - Statement frequently uttered by computer science students. WRITE Statement - Opposite of Wrong Statement. Word Processor - Machine that makes food out of old computer listings.