It's a m00se file, obviously

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_ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #13| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988 ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Issue #13! Greetings all. Again, a fine issue, ready for your perusal. My project to build my own Spiculum and rule the world is still in the R&D stages; I'll keep you posted. One thing before I let you read the rest of the issue: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me about distribution! We're getting no cooperation, and it's real hard to put together the list.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << DANGER! Got this from Fiben... >> Pickle, I found this in the Philadelphia Inquirer and I feel that all M00SES must be informed with the following warning. BEWARE OF THE FRENCH !!!!! "There are big problems on Route 201 in Maine, big problems. A 50-Mile strech between Bingham and the Canadian Border is called "M00SE Alley" because all to often, M00SE meets car and things get ugly. The problem caught the attention of the bureaucrats with the state Department of Transportation who decided to take corrective action. Bureaucrats can be quite creative with corrective action. They decided to put up some M00SE warning signs along the road. To appreciate the signs one has to take in to account who typically get involved in M00SE accidents besides M00SE. Game Wardens estimates that 98% of the M00SE/Car crashes involve French-Canadians who naturally speak French. The signs are in English. Fiben I would like to claim responsibility for those signs. I knew it would cause great confusion if all the signs were in English, and end up causing a lot of anarchy, so I did it. (That's the REAL reason why I moved be closer to my target) Just wait til you see what I have planned for Central New York State!!! *maniacal laughter* Wolverine -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** --- ---------- -- ----- ----- Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Welcome to Gothopolis, a hustling, bustling city full of all kinds of folks, including mild mannered reporter Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_, also secretly know as Superm00se, doer of good deeds, righter of wrongs, Champion of all oppressed m00ses everywhere, and occasional window-washer (the super-hero business does slow down every now and then, and those sky scrapers are so TALL.) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Mark, get in here!" bellowed Cherri Reddings. Cherri was the Editor in Chief of _The_Daily_Gonad_ and was a sight to behold indeed. Tall and voluptuous, ex playboy centerfold turned EiC, with tumbling locks of flaming red hair. Mark rushed in, out of breath. Mark had a crush on Cherri but was too mild mannered to make a pass at his boss. "Yes Cherri?" "Mark, I want you to get on this terrorist story. I'm taking Lou off it and giving it to you. Here's two plane tickets. Take Biminy with you. You're leaving for Kansas City in three hours." "Kansas City? What kind of terrorist crisis is there in Kansas City?" "Mark, you numskull, don't you read the paper? Seven kids have taken their high school principal hostage and are threatening to blow up the city with a home made atom bomb if their parents won't increase their allowances and let them watch David Letterman." "All that to get an allowance raise and permission to watch David Letterman?" "Yeah. They want an allowance raise of several million dollars and want to watch Letterman via satellite in the Bahamas." "Oh." "Mark, you idiot, get going, and don't forget Biminy." "Yes Cherri." Mark walked out, in a slight daze. Gosh, he loved it when Cherri got mad at him. She was SO pretty when she was mad. Biminy was _The_Daily_Gonad_ 's best photographer. His real name was Johnanthan Robert James Edward Peter Joseph Harold Paul Parker Oppenheimer, but since every one had trouble remembering it all, they just called him Biminy, since that was where he came from. Poor Lou. Lou would be so upset. Lou was Louis Street, and was the best reporter the paper had until Mark was hired last year. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Mark and Biminy arrived mid-evening in Kansas City, and the crisis had become even more tense. The children had made even more demands, wanting two sex-slaves each, while the parents remained adamant that they were going to get sent to bed without dinner and had further promised that television privileges would be revoked for two weeks as well unless they stopped this nonsense immediately and surrendered. "Gosh Mark, this is so exciting!" "I know Biminy. Just take some pictures. Make sure that they're good ones. Get some of the parents, and a few of the principle's wife. I'll get some statements from people." Biminy went around, dutifully snapping pictures, while Mark approached the chief of police. "Excuse me chief, Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_. Could I get a statement." "Mark who of the Daily what?" "Mark Kent sir, _Daily_Gonad_. I was wondering if I could get a statement." "Yeah, sure. Five kids got their principal in there hostage. They got an Atomic bomb. anything else?" "How come you haven't called in the National Guard?" "Because the governor doesn't see this as a serious threat. Spank them, he sez, and they'll behave and go home and everything will be fine. What we need is one of them super hero types, like Chipmunkman or something." "Hmm... Thanks a lot chief." "Stupid reporters.." muttered the chief, as Mark made his way to someplace private. This was a job for Superm00se he thought, not a half rate rodent face like Chipmunkman. Having made sure the rest-room was empty, Mark uttered the fateful word. "Leviam00se." Magically transformed, where Mark once stood there was now Superm00se, replete in his pink tights and blue cape. "Well," thought Mark/Superm00se, "This should be a cake walk. Four kids with a bomb. Easy." Emerging from the rest-room, Superm00se arrived forthwith at the scene. "Evening chief. Heard you needed a super-hero. What can I do for you." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable. A look of incredulity crossed the chief's face when he turned around to see who was speaking to him. "Who the fuck are you? Mickey Mouse or something." The chief was clearly unimpressed. "No. Tis merely I, Superm00se, champion of all m00sekind and oppressed non m00ses." Great, thought the chief. Just what I need. A loony psychopath loose in a pair of tights. "Listen Pal, I don't know where you got the hokey get up, but why don't you give it a break and go home to the wife and kids. This is a dangerous situation we got here and we don't need no crazy kooks who think they've got super powers running around. Get lost." This man was obviously in need of an education. How dare he treat the mighty and righteous Superm00se in such fashion. We'll, I'll show him. Flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se leaped forth at moderate speed and slammed into the brick wall making a nice impression, but otherwise failing to crash through. Great display of m00sieness, Superm00se thought to himself. Guess I'll just have to use the door. In the meantime, several officers were taken to the hospital for treatment of severe hyperventilation from extreme fits of laughter. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% It was dark inside the school, but it did not bother Superm00se, as he merely used his enhanced m00se-ray vision to probe the murky halls. Moving about, Superm00se located the students in the teacher's lounge. His super-m00sey hearing brought him startling sounds "And now from our home office in Scottsdale, Arizona, here's tonight's top ten list. Tonight's list is the Ten most improbable Super heroes in Kansas City. (drum roll) Number ten: Sweat-sock Man. Number nine: Faded Denim Blues Man. Number eight: Tastey-Cake Girl. Number seven: Kansas City Chiefs Football team. Number six: Hair-Spray Woman. Number five: Coffee Man. Number four: Cheezewhiz Lad. Number three: Bill Bixby. Number two: Jake & Elwood. And number one (faster drum roll and a cymbal crash): Superm00se." Good God! What fiendish deviltry was David Letterman working now? And how was it half past midnight when it was only mid-evening several paragraphs ago? Superm00se needs answers, and needs them now. Once again flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se crashed into the door to the teacher's lounge and enjoyed much more success than with the brick wall. However... "greetings Superm00se, we've been expecting you. Won't you come in and sit down?" Holy M00se! How could this be? In with these innocent children sat one of the foulest scourges of m00se-kind in existence. DORITO-BREATH MAN!!! (insert chintzy suspense music here.) "Oh come now, Superm00se, do sit down. Let's have a nice little chat. I take you're here to negotiate the principle's release?" Dorito-Breath man sputtered out in-between handfuls of doritos and swigs of his drink. "No, I think not you foul villain. I'm here to take you in and free the principle and set these children straight." said Superm00se, wrinkling his large m00sey nose at the terrible reek Dorito-Breath man was emitting. "Oh you have, have you? Well, think again m00se brain!" exclaimed Dorito-Breath Man has he gave a mighty exhale in Superm00se's general direction. Superm00se took one whiff and went out like a light. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "OOohhhhh......" moaned Superm00se, as he came to. What was on Dorito-Breath Man's breath to put him out like that. It gave new definition to chronic halitosis. Phew! "Ah, sleeping beauty awakes. I see you like my new Limburger doritos Superm00se. Fiendish, aren't they? Took my head chef nearly a year to come up with them." Dorito-Breath Man gloated over Superm00se, carelessly holding a bottle of Caffeine Free Diet Coke in one of his hands. No wonder I blacked out, Superm00se mused to himself. Half the ingredients to m00se-ite and the fool didn't even know it. I'll just have to humor him for a while. "Well, Simperm00se, I'd like to stay and watch your demise, but I have to be going. Just to let you know how you'll die, pay attention. When all the sand in that hour glass drains out, the ball will tighten the cord that will start the motors on the cranks. The cranks will tighten the Titanium Steel Alloy cables wrapped around you until you're crushed like an egg. Ha Ha ha ha ah ha haaa (maniacal laughter)." Cackled Dorito- Breath Man as he left the boiler room. Looking at the hour glass, Superm00se figured he had maybe five minutes to escape from this one. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Well, It certainly looks bleak for our hero. He's in a real tight spot. Tune in next week, same m00se channel, same m00se time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << Continuing Beez's random babbling until he comes up with those stories... >> The Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing Assn. printed da 1st issue of 'Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing' this Tuesday. The leader of SLaMeD ClAss (???) was happy about the first issue, but was disappointed about the circulation which is currently at 2. He also stressed that the fact that the other member was female, that he may have to change the name to Sauve Lady's Man in Dry Clothing. This shouldn't deter any women from joining the organization and maybe a sister organization could be created. (Debutants You Kan't Escape-- DYKES [just joking...just joking!!] I checked the Syracuse Library (you know the gets shorter every year) for any books on M00sian Geometry, M00sian Physics and M00sian Martial arts.. Does anyone know anything about these or where I can find books? (actually this is meant to spar one of you to write on the subjects, which would give me some ideas to write on) The closest thing I could find is a book on Zen and the art of M00se maintance. Thank you for all your help. Mr. Ed is not a M00se. Wayne Newton is not a M00se. Julia Child is not a M00se. Donna Reed is reported to not be a M00se. I hope this clears things up. Beez 'Jimmy Olsen's best pal' Beeler - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << This from new m00se Spaceman Biff >> Jeez guys, I made it!!! Bloooop! Thanks for my induction to m00sehood; I look forward to my continued and active involvement. (The fiction and fancies in issue 11, having to do with Sat. A.M. physics and Star Trek, and the AT&T memo (see figure 1), came to me from a buddy in Berzerkeley, who got 'em from a pal in Wisconsin, etc., and I forwarded them to my m00sepapa, wolverine, and the rest is history...) There are, however, two corrections I feel I must make: 1: The nick is Spaceman Biff (two effs, thank you), or just Biff for short, and 2: My last name is ZEMANIAN, not ZEMANINA; the latter form will only cause your e-mail to be returned poste haste (sorry, my keyboard doesn't do italics or underlines. If you're a TeXhacker, you may assume there to be an \it command just before the line two oops, three lines above this one. \rm) and I won't get my 'droppings. That, in a nutshell, is my statement upon induction, and you will most definitely be hearing more from me later. Consider yourself warned. (Spaceman Biff) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << Here we have a few unconfirmed Sabre sightings. First, I must say that I *MAY* have seen Sabre in my room this evening, where he mentioned that Niniane could blow up my ship. Well. That's why I've got me 8 g's of thrust, and shields to get away. >> The was a confirmed Sabre-sighting on 9/19/88 by the one and only GypsyLynx....right before he was once again kidnapped by the bookstore slavers....rumors have it that he *might* actually show his face at a miniature thr0ng-a-th0n in Siberacuse this weekend! GypsyLynx - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Quote found scrawled on wall in Amherst, "The best way to deal with an elevator full of hair girls is to throw in a lighted match and run like hell!!!!!" --Sabre (or so it claimed) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fellow M00ses, Thank you for helping me in my search for Sabre! And yes, he is in fact free! I received a telephone communique from him this past weekend, and while at first I thought it was going to be a ransom call from his captors, it turned out he was enslaved by an institution of another type: The Boston U. Bookstore. Plans are underway to organize a store-break. So thank you all for aiding in my search. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the phone number for Abbott's Dairy Products Inc.?? I have to call them and cancel the ads on all those milk cartons..... Wolverine/Trelf -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please add: Hartford thr0ng MELINOSKI @ HARTFORD Slick Jones ROSSI @ HARTFORD Loki U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker Saunacuse thr0ng RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Please remove: Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp


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