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================================================================================ ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- AN ================================================================================ _ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue 42 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/14/90 ---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITORIALS AND LETTERS Bill says many pointless things IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS A call for thr0ng-a-thons BOOK REVIEWS Daniel Pinkwater -- his works M00se Book of the Month: The Mulch of Aval0n, by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n INTERESTING ARTICLES Survival in the wake of the increasingly improbably nuclear holocaust A classic: The history of the world according to history students The new, official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement (part one) M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE The Oracle speaks MEET THE M00SES Still nobody this time -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Welcome to this, issue number forty-two of "M00se Droppings." Not much has happened in the past week; I haven't had any new news on the Electronic Frontier Foundation (the group formed to fight Secret Service fascism on the Net), or HR 4079 (the pre-bill designed to help further the fascist turn the country is taking). Oops, actually, that's not quite true. I received a test message from the EFF, indicating that I'm on their mailing list, and I received the beginnings of HR 4079 from somebody on the Politics list, with a promise that more would follow. But that's about it. The practical upshot? Sadly, this issue will contain very little, if any, political content. Now, I want you all to know that I'm very disappointed, submission-wise! I have received submissions from b0liver shagnastY iv and Warm00se, and plans from Goblin, but nothing else! We must have MORE! On a lighter note, this issue will be mailed to the David Tarr chapter, currently residing in Dublin, Ireland. Everybody wave to Dave, all one hundred and seventy-five of you! Dave has been overseas for about a year now, working in London, travelling Europe, and now (as I said) working in Dublin. He probably doesn't get enough mail over there, and I'm sure he'd like to hear from you. One can never have too much contact with the United States of America, after all. Dave's mailing address is: David s Tarr c/o USIT Aston Quay O'Connell Bridge Dublin 2 Ireland Don't forget to mark the envelope or package "Air Mail." We want Dave to get it soon, don't we? Lastly, before I start the issue, I want you all to know that you can purchase a plastic ED-209 toy, approximately 5 1/2" tall, at Toys Backwards R Us for $9.99. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The summer is drawing to a close at a startling rate. Time to plan thr0ng-a-thons! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************** BOOK REVIEWS ********************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Recommendations from Warm00se. -WRD] Hi all! I am here to make a recommendation for all of your summer (or other) reading lists, and to nominate somone for Honorary M00sedom. The person in question is Daniel Pinkwater, allegedly a "children's author", but, if you read his stuff, you'll see this is not so. True, his books are found in the Children's section of the library, but...well, read them and you'll understand. :) Pinkwater is brilliant! His stories are amusing, and I'm almost SURE he knows about...THEM (fnord). I've seen stuff in several of his books and I'm positive. I think we should make him and honorary m00se, and perhaps (just to confuse him), actually contact him and notify him of his in(ab?)duction! ;) His books are short, too, so you can usually read most of them within 20-30 minutes. (Now you don't have an excuse NOT to read them! :) ) Anyway, check his stuff out! It's great! I've included a list below of some of his works. Also, if you look at his picture on some of the book jackets, you KNOW he's one of us. :) Books written and in many cases illustrated by DANIEL PINKWATER (a.k.a. Manus Pinkwater, D. Manus Pinkwater, Daniel M. Pinkwater, and others) * Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars * Atilla the Pun Bear's Picture The Big Orange Splot * Blue Moose Return of the Moose * The Moospire The Blue Thing Fat Elliot and the Gorilla * Fat Men From Space * The Hoboken Chicken Emergency The Last Guru * Lizard Music Magic Camera * The Magic Moscow Pete, the Pestiferous Polecat Pickle Creature Superpuppy (with Jill Miriam Pinkwater) The Terrible Roar Three Big Hogs Tooth Gnasher Super Flash * Wingman Wizard Crystal * The Worms of Kukumlima The Wuggie Norple Story (illustrated by Tomie De Paola) * Yobgorgle: Mystery Monster of Lake Ontario * The Muffin Fiend * Slaves of Spiegel * = Ones I've read This list is taken from "The Worms of Kukumlima". Copyright 1981. I've added to it a bit. -Pat Salsbury (DangerM00se) V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET SALSBURY@AUTARCH.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Yet Another m00se b00k of the M0nth Club selection, from b0liver shagnastY iv.] The Mulch 0f Aval0n by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n Just when you thought you'd read the tale of Arthur and his Camel0t from every possible point of view. The Mulch 0f Aval0n (6528 pages, $59.95 from Batman Books) spins an enchanting tale of knights, druids, and all that crap (especially the crap) from the point of view of a blue b0ttled shit fly. A must for the fantasy fan who likes to think he/she is reading real literature and not just another piece of fantasy crap (in fact, the reader is reading not only crap, but ABOUT it). Learn the contents of an Arthurian banquet--0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n has thoroughly researched his material. What grade of hay did a jousting horse eat just before a tourney? 0lafs0ns0ns0n also retells the story of the Crystal Stool of Merlin with a decidedly more human twist. And what was the secret sin of Guinevere that only a shitfly would know? An exerpt: Myllwenquill's wings almost gave out as he finally landed on a clump of dung near the soldier's encampment. Something was wrong in the air. He listened as nearby he heard the boy-king who was now a man making plans with his trusted aides. Myllwenquill's proboscis twitched again. Something was wrong about this pie. It smelled like a croissant--it must belong to that French Knight, who had never been bested in combat. He was now in the service of the King, it seemed. Yes, you too can own this epic fantasy. Regular price: $59.95 M00se B00k Club price $599.50 6 book dividends and 23 CitiDollars Do not send a message to us in 3 days if you want to recieve this selection. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [b0liver shagnastY iv, of the Wilfred Hyde-White Memorial Thr0ng, provides us with this massively useful item. -WRD] SAFETY TIPS FOR POST-NUCLEAR LIVING 1. Never use the elevator in a building hit by a nuclear device; use the stairs instead. 2. When flying through the air, remember to roll as you hit the ground. 3. If you are on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable substances. 4. Don't attempt to communicate with dead people; it only leads to psychological problems. 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavange. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after a nuclear holocaust: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 6. Remember to cover your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 8. Drive carefully when travelling through "heavy fallout" shelters; people could be staggering illegally. 9. Nutritionally, a $100 dollar bill is equal to a $1 bill, and more sanitary due to limited circulation. 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-day. --Author unknown - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Many of you may have seen this before, but those of you who haven't will get a kick out of it. Submitted by Gary Olsen. -WRD] The article below is from "Verbatim" magazine, around May of 1987. The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, "Guinesses," Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accom- plished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Submitted by myself and Mike Harm. -WRD] The world is in need of many things. But it occurred to Mike Harm and myself recently that one thing it needs very badly is a new, standardized system of measurement. Look at the facts: The English system has been rejected almost all the world over. It is old, it is unpopular. Clearly it cannot become the world standard. The metric system, on the other hand, has been rejected by the most powerful nation on the planet (the United States) as well as the most powerful third world nation on the planet (Great Britain). In addition, it lacks personality. Nobody wants to order a liter of beer, or a half liter, or five hundred milliliters. It just doesn't sound right. It's a cold system. So we have taken it upon ourselves to solve this problem. Below is the beginning of the new M00se Illuminati Standardized System of Measurements. Additions to this system will appear in later issues. Everybody start converting! I) VELOCITY For our unit of velocity measure, we have chosen "furlongs per fortnight." This unit will replace the previous standards of MPH and KPH, and all derivatives thereof. Conversion is quite simple. There are 220 yards in a furlong, or 660 feet, or .125 miles. Therefore, there are 8 furlongs in a mile. (Bear in mind, we are only using "miles," "yards," "feet," and any other obsolete units of measurement to help define the new units.) One mile per hour would therefore be eight furlongs per hour. Since there are 336 hours in a fortnight, one mile per hour is equal to 2,688 furlongs per fortnight. From this figure, we can create the following chart: CHART ONE -- VELOCITY MEASURE MPH KPH FPF === === === 0.6 1 1,612.8 01 1.67 2,688 10 17 26,880 20 33 53,760 30 50 80,640 40 67 107,520 50 83 134,400 55 92 147,840 60 100 161,280 75 125 201,600 100 167 268,800 Speed of sound (sea level, 46.72 CaH): 321,994,007 Speed of Light: 1,802,617,506,000 The chart contains many commonly-used velocities. Most figures are rounded, as this is a general-use chart, not a scientific-use chart. Any velocities not shown on the chart can be calculated as above. Change your speedometers. Get bumper stickers that say "147,840: it's not just a good idea, it's the law," and "147,840 saves lives." II) TEMPERATURE As most of you will no doubt agree, the current practice of using a single system of temperature measurement to measure both hot and cold temperatures is silly. How similar is the core of the sun to the antarctic deep-freeze? Not at all, of course! So why do we insist upon using the same system to measure them? We have addressed this problem by creating TWO units of temperature measurement. For cold temperatures, we have created the "Coldashell" (CaH). A single Coldashell is equal in size to 1.37 degrees Farenheit. Zero degrees Coldashell equals -32 degrees Farenheit. To convert from degrees F to degrees CaH, use the following formula: (dF + 32) / 1.37 = dCaH where dF = degrees Farenheit, and dCaH = degrees Coldashell. You will not, of course, have to convert in the other direction (since CaH will from now on be the standard); therefore, no conversion formula is provided for CaH to F. To deal with hot temperatures, we have created the "Hotashell" (HaH). A single Hotashell is equal in size to pi degrees Celsius. Zero degrees Hotashell equals 50 degrees Celsius. To convert from degrees C to degrees CaH, use the following formula: (dC - 50) / pi = dHaH where dC = degrees Celsius, and dHaH = degrees Hotashell. Again, since there is no need to convert in the other direction, no formula is provided. Conversions between all four systems are shown on the chart below: CHART TWO -- TEMPERATURE Far. Cel. CaH HaH ==== ==== === === 0 Coldashell -32 -36 0 -27 0 Farenheit 0 -18 23 -22 Freezing (0 C) 32 0 47 -16 Room temp. 72 22 76 -9 Body temp. 98.6 37 95 -4 0 Hotashell 122 50 112 0 Boiling 212 100 178 16 Well, that's it for now. Stand by for next issue, and additions to the official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Even the Oracle must deal with awkward questions. -WRD] The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I love you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extremely flattered and } If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My address is: } } 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC } } Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean. } } You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There have been many changes to the list, so instead of an update, a new complete list will follow this issue. ================================================================================ SWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ANSW ================================================================================ IL


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