Q:  What in the world is a fundie?

A:  FUNDIE (fun'dee) n. and adj. (Var. Fundy; pls. Fundies, Fundys),
    A member of a conservative religious movement that believes
    in biblical inerrancy.  This movement had its roots in the
    nineteenth-century orthodox reaction to the higher (historico-
    literary) criticism of the Bible that originated among European
    theologians and was accepted by American "modernists".
    Fundamentalism owes its name to the "Five Fundamentals", a list of
    five beliefs that the Presbyterian General Assembly drew up in 1910
    as being essential to the Christian faith.  Among those fundamentals
    was the doctrine of biblical inerrancy.

    Fundies (scientifically: Homo nesciens idiotus) come in two
    varieties; (about more later) but are united by the belief that each
    and every word ("jot and tittle") of the Holy Writ (at least, their
    latest authorized version) is unequivocally true.  When they find a
    text convenient to an argument, it is quotable as the ultimate truth.
    But when confronted with an apparent contradiction, however rational
    and logical, they sail away upon the wings of a symbol, an analogy of
    hidden or recondite significance.

    Although two separate and distinct "kinds" of fundies exist,
    (H.n.i. var. ruralensis and H.n.i. var. urbanensis), they can be
    typically identified by their ubiquitous possession of a heavily
    thumped (but seldom read) Bible; an almost cataleptic and
    unquestioned adherence to dated dogma and the extraordinarily
    annoying ability of being able to interject their own personal
    version of ethics and morality into almost any subject, no matter how
    abstruse.  As a group, they are exasperatingly uni-dimensional.

    H.n.i. var. ruralensis can be typified as a backwoods rustic living
    among the 'possums, 'coons, 'dillos and magnolias who is functionally
    illiterate.  Though some may become transplanted to more municipal
    settings; they stubbornly adhere to old habits: mouth breathing,
    barefootedness and brainless Bible-based bleating.

    A macroevolutionary jump (although most would argue that it is
    really a regressive event) is responsible for the other variety:
    H.n.i. var. urbanensis.  They arose from their humbler cousins in the
    deep, dark, dank backwoods but have evolved to exploit the trophism
    of bright lights, television cameras, teleprompters and wireless
    communication.  Basically, a member of this group can be described as
    a country bumpkin of the wacko-right turned religious zealot and
    usually named Billy, Jimmy, Oral or some other familiar sobriquet.
    They drape the mantle of Christian piety around their shoulders
    (which they carefully interweave with the American flag), and
    stomping off on a witch hunt; ferret out "fellow travelers", "one-
    worlders", that archenemy of all right thinking people: the "secular
    humanist", and other assorted bogeymen.  With a primitive view of
    this world and a psychedelic view of the next, they harangue lost
    sinners (and those with the ability to think for themselves) in an
    impassioned and declamatory style to "REPENT!" and be born again.
    Ranting and raving; and spouting smoke, fury, fire, brimstone and
    stained glass blather; they pace whatever stage they can usurp like a
    whirling dervish with a caffeine addiction.  The venue may change,
    but the song always remains the same.

    Usually, such narrowly unspecialized organisms as the ones cited
    above represent an evolutionary dead-end.  In these cases, though, it
    is more of a U-turn.
